25. Nervous System Healing in Relationships: Why Change Feels Like a Threat to Others

Healing doesn’t happen in isolation—it happens in relationship. In this episode, we’re diving into what it really looks like to bring your nervous system healing into your relationships… especially when the people you love aren’t ready to meet you there.

If you’ve ever tried to share your growth, your awareness, or your story with family only to be met with defensiveness, shutdown, or misunderstanding—this conversation will feel like a deep exhale. 

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why healing in relationships can feel harder than doing the work on your own
• How family systems naturally resist change (even when change is healthy)
• Why your nervous system prioritizes familiarity over safety
• What’s really happening when someone reacts defensively to your vulnerability
• The concept of the “second wound” and why unmet moments can feel so painful
• How to use the Notice, Name, Nurture, Navigate framework in real-time
• Why not everyone will be ready to grow with you and what that means for your healing
• How to stay connected to yourself without forcing connection with others

If you’ve been feeling stuck in the “messy middle” of your healing journey where things aren’t the same, but they’re not fully different yet this episode will remind you that you’re not alone… and that what you’re doing truly matters.

Research Link:

Eisenberger, N. I. (2012).
The pain of social disconnection: Examining the shared neural underpinnings of physical and social pain. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 13(6), 421–434. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn3231

4Ns Practice: When You Feel Alone in Your Healing

If you’re feeling like the one who is “early” in your family or relationships, try this short 4Ns check-in:

1. Notice
 What’s happening in my body right now?
 Do I feel tight, heavy, hot, tense, or shut down?

2. Name
 What am I feeling?
 This might feel like rejection, grief, anger, or loneliness.
 Maybe even: “I feel like I’m the only one.”

3. Nurture
 Can I offer my body a moment of support before doing anything else?
 Slow your breath, place a hand on your chest, soften your shoulders.
 You’re not fixing it—just reminding your body you’re here.

4. Navigate
 From this place, what feels like the most supportive next step?
 Do I continue this conversation?
 Do I step away and come back later?
 Or do I recognize this may not be the person I process this with?

Remember:
Not every conversation needs to be pushed through.
Staying connected to yourself matters too.

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Connect with me:
Instagram → @aligningwithleanna

Website → leannahunt.com

Disclaimer:
Although I am a licensed Associate Clinical Mental Health Counselor, The NeuroHeir℠ Podcast is not a substitute for therapy, counseling, or medical treatment. The tools and practices I share are for educational and coaching purposes only. Every nervous system is unique, and what we discuss on this podcast should not replace your own individual therapeutic work or professional support.

The focus of this podcast is my coaching work, which centers on education, nervous system practices, and generational healing tools designed to support—not replace—your personal journey with a qualified provider.

If you are struggling with your mental health or experiencing overwhelming emotions, please seek support from a licensed professional in your area. You don’t have to do this work alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Welcome to the Nervo Air Podcast, the show for cycle breakers, parents, young adults, and helping professionals ready to understand their nervous system through a generational lens, heal what isn't theirs to carry, and consciously choose what comes next. Hi, I'm your host, Leanna Hunts, an associate clinical mental health counselor and certified performance coach. Each week you'll get stories, science, and somatic practices plus my signature form and framework. Notice, name, nurture, and navigate to help you honor resilience, break silence, and build deeper connection with yourself and those you love, all while shaping a legacy of safety, freedom, and possibility. Welcome back to the NeuroAir Podcast. Today I want to start somewhere just a little bit different because everything we've been talking about, including the nervous system, your patterns, and your healing, remember it does not happen in isolation. It happens in relationship. We are actually always in relationship to something, in relationship to our parents, to our kids, to our partners, to our past, to our work, even to the environment, and even to our own internal world. We're also in relationship to the younger parts of us that carry our experiences, our emotions, and our memories. We are constantly relating. And our nervous system is responding through all of it all day long. In the conversations we have, in the ones we avoid, in the tone of someone's voice, in a look, a pause, and even a shift in energy. Our nervous system is always assessing and asking: Am I safe here? Do I belong here? Do I need to protect myself here? So healing was never meant to happen in isolation because the very patterns we're working to understand were shaped in relationship. And they continue to show up in relationship, which means at some point this work leaves the internal space and it meets real people. It meets our real conversations, our real history, our real dynamics that have been in place for years. And that's where things can sometimes start to feel complicated because it's one thing to understand yourself, and it's another thing entirely to bring that understanding into your relationships. And for a lot of people, there's a moment when that shift happens where you start to see things more clearly. You begin to understand your nervous system in a deeper way. You start to connect patterns from your past to what you experience now. And naturally, you want to bring that up in your relationships. You want to talk about it. You want to share it. You want to feel understood. And that's where I want to go today because I know so many of you are at that point right now. And I also want to say something else. This episode is for all the Druze out there. If you listened to my episode last week, you know I interviewed Coach Drew. He talked about trying to explain to his own family about his childhood and how that got shut down. So this episode is for all of you Druze out there, the ones who are doing the work, who are starting to see the patterns, who want to look at the past so the future can feel different, and who are finding that the people they love aren't always ready to go there with them. If that's you, this space is for you today. Because what you're wanting, it totally makes sense. You want your family to understand you. You're wanting to make sense of your story within their stories. You're wanting to shift patterns so that your kids don't carry the same things that you've had to. All of that makes sense. And remember, this isn't that you're being overly dramatic or that this doesn't mean you're creating problems. This isn't that you're trying to dig things up that have been hiding or been swept under the rug. This is because you are trying to create awareness. This is because you are trying to create change and you are trying to do something different with what you inherited. And I want you to really hear me when I say this. There is nothing wrong with that. But here is the hard part. Just because you're ready, it doesn't mean they are. Just because you can see it, it doesn't mean that they can. And just because you have language, it doesn't mean that they do. And this is often where so much of that pain comes in, because the gap between what you can see and what they can hold can feel really wide. And understand why this happens, we have to zoom out for a minute. Remember, families are not just groups of people, they are nervous systems that learned how to function together. Over time, roles in that family system get formed. There's roles for those that keep the peace. There's roles for those that overfunction. There's roles for those who avoid. And there's those that carry more responsibility than others. And without anyone consciously deciding it, the system over time somehow stabilizes. In family systems theory, this is called homeostasis, which simply means systems will try to stay the same. Remember, even if the same isn't healthy, even if the same includes things like avoidance, silence, or disconnection, because familiar feels safer than the unfamiliar, even when familiar hurts. And this doesn't just show up in families. We see this in relationships all the time. We see people going back to partners who aren't good for them. We see people staying in environments that feel heavy or very limiting, recreating dynamics that on the outside do not make sense to other people. And from the outside, it's easy to say, why would they go back to that? Why would they go back to that person, to that environment? Or why would they stay in that? But from a nervous system perspective, it can make sense because the nervous system is not looking for what is healthy, it's looking for what is familiar. The nervous system is looking for what feels predictable and it is looking for what it already knows it needs, how to survive. So sometimes the nervous system will choose a familiar chaos over an unfamiliar piece. Did you guys hear that? The nervous system will often choose a familiar chaos over an unfamiliar piece because that unfamiliar piece requires something different. It actually requires a lot of different things. It requires vulnerability to choose that new unfamiliar piece. It requires being seen in new ways. It often requires the possibility of rejection or disappointment or not knowing what will happen next. And the brain is wired to avoid that level of uncertainty. Remember, your brain wants efficiency, it wants predictability, it wants the path of least resistance. And unfortunately, that can keep people connected to environments that don't actually support them. Not because they don't want better, but because their system doesn't yet recognize that better could be safe. So when we say a system wants to stay the same, we're not just talking about families either. We're talking about nervous systems that are wired for what is familiar. Even when what is familiar comes from places of hurt, pain, and fear. So when you begin to change, when you begin to step outside of what's familiar, the system feels it. When you start doing this work, you are starting to slow down. You're noticing more. You're trying to set healthy boundaries so that you can protect your own energy first. You're stopping over functioning. You're beginning to name patterns that were never named before. And even if you do it calmly, and even if you do it with respect for everyone around you that you love, and even if your intention is to stay connected, the family system feels it. Because from the system's perspective, you're no longer playing the role that you used to play. You are not responding the same way that you always have, and you are not absorbing things the same way. You're no longer participating in the same patterns. And so to the system, that can feel like a threat. And remember, this isn't because you are bad or doing something wrong, but this is because you are finally doing something different. And remember that different to the nervous system often feels unsafe before it ever can feel safe. And remember this about the nervous system. When someone feels threatened, their brain is not focused on understanding you. It is focused on protecting them. And research shows that when we experience social threat, like feeling criticized, rejected, or exposed, the brain activates some of the same neural pathways, even involved in physical pain, which means that the body begins to register that experience as something to avoid and not something to sit with and reflect on. So when you do say something vulnerable and they respond with defensiveness or shutdown or anger, remember, it's not always about your delivery or that you did it a wrong way. It's about the other person's nervous system trying to reduce that sense of threat for them. And this leads into something that can be really hard to accept in this work. When someone is outside their window of tolerance, they cannot receive what you're saying. And it's not because they don't care or because they don't love you anymore or that they're unwilling. It's actually because their nervous system is not in a state that they can take it in. So your clarity isn't going to land and your insights aren't going to land. Even your calm voice, your calm tone, and your calm body language might not register to that other person. Because in the nervous system, safety comes before understanding. Safety comes before reflection and safety comes before truth. And so until the body actually feels safe, the brain is not asking, is this accurate? It's asking, do I need to protect myself right now? Which means that what you're saying can get filtered through defense instead of being received as an attempt to connect even deeper. And this is often where things start to feel even more painful because a lot of the pain in these moments is not just what happens in the conversation. The pain in these moments can also be connected to what you hoped would happen, to what you hoped they would understand and to what you hoped that they would listen to. You hoped that they might even say, I didn't realize that. Or wow, I'm open to learning more. And for most of you, you hoped it would bring you closer. And then when it doesn't, it doesn't just feel disappointing. It can feel like something I call a second wound. Because now it's not just the original experience, it's the experience of not being met in it. It's the moment where you risk being seen and it's not landing. And for many people, that touches something much deeper than the conversation itself. Let me give you an example of what this can look like. And this is, again, just a composite of conversations I've had with so many clients over the years. So if you hear yourself in this, remember too that you are not alone. You can adapt this, but here's just a base version. Okay, so someone, maybe this is you, starts doing their own nervous system and generational work. They begin to understand their nervous system more and they are starting to notice how they shut down in conflict, how maybe they overfunction and how they realize they have been caring more than they even knew. And at some point, after a lot of practice thought, they decide to talk to a parent. Again, this isn't to blame their parent or to attack them, but to share their own life experience, kind of like Drew shared on the episode last week. So to say something like, hey, I've been realizing how some of these patterns started for me. And before they even finish, parents can get defensive. They might say things like, hey, that's not how it was, or you're remembering it wrong, or we did the best that we could, and suddenly the conversation shifts. And the person who came in wanting more connection leaves feeling shut down, confused, or like maybe they shouldn't have said anything at all. And at that moment, that's what we're talking about. And if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you've heard me talk about this before, using the idea of a frequency shift. It's like your family system has been tuned into that certain radio station for years. The ways you respond, the role you play in your family, what gets said and what doesn't. Everyone knows that station because it's familiar. And then you start doing this work and slowly you begin to shift and you notice more music out there. You notice more radio stations than you ever thought possible. You notice this in your own body and your nervous system work. You're starting to respond differently to your partner and with your kids and at work. You start to say things and feel things that you've never said before. And it's like you're starting to turn the dial on that frequency. You're not doing it all at once. And remember, we don't just arrive at a completely new station and live there perfectly. We move back and forth from the familiar to what's new and still unfamiliar. Sometimes you're back on that old station, especially when you're playing your family role in your family system. And then other times, maybe with friends or family, maybe some extended family or your work family, you're starting to experiment at new frequencies, like these new higher radio stations, leaving and learning what it feels like to leave the familiar of the old station and learning what it feels like to be at the new. And as you're learning what life is like at this new frequency, the people around you, remember, are still used to where you've been. So when you show up differently, even with love, even with gentleness and even with consideration, and even when you're trying to be totally intentional, they don't always know what to do with you there because it is unfamiliar. And this is that moment we've talked about before where your healing starts to look like an invitation, not something you're forcing and not something you're trying to convince people of, but simply how you're showing up differently. And as that shifts, some people will meet you there. Some people are gonna open your invitation and be so excited to want to join you in this healing journey. Some aren't gonna even open them, remember? And some invitations are gonna get lost in the mail. And again, this doesn't mean that you did something wrong. This means oftentimes that they are not ready to receive what you are inviting them to see. So as you're learning what it feels like to be on a different frequency and simply living that out, you start to see who can meet you there or who cannot at least meet you right now. So as you're learning what it feels like there at this new frequency, and as you're sending out these invitations, you're also learning something really important. Not everyone is going to move with you and at the same time. And this is where I want to offer you something. If you are the one in your family starting to see the patterns, you are the one starting to name things and starting to slow things down for your own healing. Remember, you are just earlier than everybody else, and that is okay. You are the one beginning to shift from that familiar family frequency, even if you're still learning what that feels like. You are the one sending something different in your invitation simply by how you are showing up and being the early one or the one that goes first in a family system. You guys, I know it can feel incredibly lonely because you're standing in a place that others haven't stepped into yet. And that doesn't mean that you're too much. It doesn't mean that you're the problem. It doesn't mean that you're creating something that isn't there. It means that you are seeing something that hasn't been seen before. And that, my friends, takes courage. And this is where the four ends begin to shift, not just as a way to understand yourself, but as a way to stay connected to yourself when others don't understand you. So I want to invite you into a moment here if it feels okay. I want you just to bring to mind a recent situation that felt just a little bit hard in some way. And if you need to pause to allow yourself that moment, go ahead and do so and then come back when you're ready. Maybe it's a conversation that didn't go how you hoped. Maybe it was something you tried to share that just didn't land the way you were hoping for. Maybe it was a moment where you felt alone in what you were noticing. I just want you to gently bring that to mind. And as you do, let's walk through the four ends together. Of course, first is notice. I want you guys just to notice what's happening in your body right now as you think about that moment. Is there heaviness or tightness in your chest? Is there a pit in your stomach? Does your body maybe feel hot or tense? Maybe shaky, or maybe it feels like it wants to shut down. Remember, no need to change it in this moment. We're just noticing. And then number two is name. Just take a minute and ask yourself, what is this? Can I put a name to either this sensation, this feeling, this thought? Or does it feel like rejection? Does it feel like grief? Maybe it feels like anger or loneliness. Maybe even it's something like this feels like I'm the only one. And take your time with that if you need it. And number three is nurture. Before doing anything with the current situation, can you bring a little bit of support to your body? Maybe it's just that intentional slowing of your breath in and out through your belly. Maybe it's just placing a hand on your chest or somewhere else, like your legs, or crossing your arms and giving yourself a hug. Maybe it's softening your shoulders just a little bit. This is just the moment where you get to let your body know that you are here for you. And then number four, navigate from this place. What feels like the very next small supportive step? Ask yourself, do I want to try this conversation again? Do I need some alone time? Do I need some support from somebody else that I can co-regulate my energy with to help me settle down? Do I need movement? Do I need to go for a walk? Do I need more stillness? Or do I want to set the intention that I'm going to come back in a few days and try again? Or maybe it's recognizing this may not be the person I can process this with right now. Because not every conversation needs to be pushed through. And especially when you're the one who is early in your family, this can become really important because staying connected to yourself matters more than forcing connection with somebody else. Let me say that one more time. Staying connected to yourself matters more than forcing connection with somebody else. Does that make sense? And this is where we kind of see that rhythm that we talked about two episodes ago, I think. Regulate, repair, and rise. It also still applies in relationships. Remember, regulating, meaning you're not forcing connection when your body is activated. Repairing, if it's appropriate. But hear this repair does not always mean resolution. Some people will not be able to meet you there yet. And that is not something that you can force. And then rise, not from how do I get them to understand me, but from what is this showing me about capacity boundaries and where I even feel safe showing? And this is where discernment can become really important. Just because something is true doesn't mean it's safe to share it with everybody. You can ask yourself, does this person have the capacity to hear me right now? Is there a history of repair here with this person? Like, do I have evidence that repair is currently possible? Maybe it's asking, do I feel emotionally safe opening this up? And this might be one of the most important things I can say today. Your healing is not dependent on their awareness. Remember that you can understand your story. You can learn to regulate your body and shift your patterns, even if they never meet you there. And I know that that can sound super painful. And you guys, I promise that is not what I want for anybody. But I want you to remember that there are so many things that you can do to learn this and to deepen your understanding of your own story and your own healing journey, even if nobody else is ready to come on board. And this is where the work becomes bigger than just you. You might be the first person in your family again to name the patterns, to prioritize regulation, to practice repair. And yes, I know that that can feel lonely, but it can also mean that things are changing and that they are changing through you. And as we start to close today, I just want to take a moment and speak directly to you. If you are someone who is trying to bridge these gaps in your family, if you are the one trying to understand yourself, trying to show up differently, trying to bring language to things that were never named, I want you to know that I truly feel your heart. I see your effort because I talk to you guys and the conversations that we have and I see your courage and I know how much you care. I also know how hard it can be to hold that awareness when the people you love aren't meeting you there yet. My heart truly does go out to those of you who are trying to bridge these nervous system gaps in your relationships, to the ones who are slowing things down when everything in this system wants to speed back up, to the ones who are choosing awareness in spaces that have lived for years and decades in avoidance. And my continual prayer is that the people you love will open those invitations sooner, that they will start to get curious, and that they will choose to. You there, that healing becomes something shared. But even if that doesn't happen right away, remember that I see you. I honor your work and I applaud you for being the one who goes first, even when it's messy, even when it's lonely, and even when you're still figuring it out as you go, because that matters way more than you probably realize. The goal of this work is not to break up families. I want you guys to hear that. There's way too many other people and therapists that are supporting that. The goal of my work is to bring awareness where there hasn't been awareness. It's to create the possibility of healing instead of staying stuck in patterns that were never questioned. And sometimes, actually oftentimes, there is what I call a messy middle, a space where things don't feel fully connected, but they're not completely disconnected either. And that messy middle might be exactly where healing actually begins. So if that's where you feel like you are right now with yourself or in relationships, remember that you're not doing anything wrong. You are just in it, and that matters. Remember, it's about one moment at a time. It's about continuing to notice, to name, to nurture, and to navigate what is right in front of you. And as you do, you are shifting something deeper than just this moment. You are changing what gets carried forward. And I hope you always remember that because sometimes we actually won't be able to change the people that are still around us and our family system. But you always get to have the choice of what you pass forward. And that, my friends, is powerful. Thank you again for being here. Thank you for doing this work. And thank you for being willing to be the one who goes first. Remember, I see you, I hear you. I'm praying for you, and I'm cheering you on. Okay, guys, until next time. Bye. Thanks for joining me on the NeuroAir Podcast. This work is about honoring resilience in yourself and also those who came before you, all while finding freedom from what was never yours to carry. With the help of stories, science, somatic tools, and the four ends notice, name, nurture, and navigate, you have a path toward deeper connection with yourself, your loved ones, and the legacy you want to pass on. If today's episode spoke to you, share it with someone who's ready to step into this work too. And follow the show so you never miss an episode. Remember, you may not have chosen what you inherited, but you can choose what comes next.