26. When Someone You Love Is Healing: Understanding Nervous System Work & Relationship Shifts

What happens when someone you love begins their healing journey… and you don’t fully understand it?

In this heartfelt and deeply grounding episode, Leanna speaks directly to those on the outside of the healing process—the partners, parents, friends, and family members who may feel confused, uncomfortable, or even disconnected as someone they care about begins to change.

This conversation is not about blame or pointing fingers. It’s an invitation.

An invitation to better understand what nervous system healing actually looks like, why it can shift relationship dynamics, and how you can stay connected even when things feel unfamiliar.

Leanna shares both clinical insight and personal experience, including the profound impact of losing her father and the reflections that followed. Through this lens, she gently explores how unspoken patterns, emotional responses, and generational experiences shape the way we relate and how healing can open the door to deeper connection instead of separation.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why healing work can feel confusing or disruptive from the outside
• How nervous system responses (like defensiveness or shutdown) are actually protective
• The role of generational patterns in relationships and emotional responses
• What it really means when someone invites you into their healing process
• Simple ways to stay present, open, and curious in difficult conversations
• Why healing doesn’t have to create distance and can actually deepen connection

This episode is a reminder that healing is often messy, imperfect, and deeply human. But within that mess is the possibility for something new—more understanding, more connection, and a different path forward.

If someone shared this episode with you, take a moment to honor that. It likely comes from a place of love and a desire to grow closer.

Because healing isn’t about having all the answers.

Sometimes, it’s simply about being willing to stay. 

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Connect with me:
Instagram → @aligningwithleanna

Website → leannahunt.com

Disclaimer:
Although I am a licensed Associate Clinical Mental Health Counselor, The NeuroHeir℠ Podcast is not a substitute for therapy, counseling, or medical treatment. The tools and practices I share are for educational and coaching purposes only. Every nervous system is unique, and what we discuss on this podcast should not replace your own individual therapeutic work or professional support.

The focus of this podcast is my coaching work, which centers on education, nervous system practices, and generational healing tools designed to support—not replace—your personal journey with a qualified provider.

If you are struggling with your mental health or experiencing overwhelming emotions, please seek support from a licensed professional in your area. You don’t have to do this work alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Welcome to the Nervo Air Podcast, the show for cycle breakers, parents, young adults, and helping professionals ready to understand their nervous system through a generational lens, heal what isn't theirs to carry, and consciously choose what comes next. Hi, I'm your host, Leanna Hunts, an associate clinical mental health counselor and certified performance coach. Each week you'll get stories, science, and somatic practices plus my signature for and framework. Notice, name, nurture, and navigate to help you honor resilience, break silence, and build deeper connection with yourself and those you love, all while shaping a legacy of safety, freedom, and possibility. Welcome back to the NeuroAir Podcast. Today's episode is for those of you who may not fully understand the personal healing work of someone you love and care about. If someone has sent you this episode to listen to, I want you to just pause for a moment and recognize something really important. This likely comes from a genuine place of love. It's not about calling you out or pointing fingers, but it is an invitation, an invitation to take a few minutes to understand a little bit more about what they're experiencing, what this kind of work actually is, and how nervous system healing can impact growth and change. And before we go any further, I want to briefly introduce myself so you know who you are hearing from. My name is Liana Hunt. I'm a nervous system informed therapist and a coach. And I spend my work helping people understand how their experiences, especially within relationships and family systems, shape the way they think, feel, and respond. I created the NeuroAir framework, which is all about helping people understand what they've inherited, how it lives in the body, and how they can begin to shift those patterns in a way that creates more safety, connection, and intentionality in their lives and relationships. So if you're here listening today, you're in a space that's not about blame, but it is about awareness, about understanding and creating the possibility for something different. And as we move into this, I want to help make sense of something that can feel confusing. When one person in a relationship starts doing healing work, things can begin to shift. The way they respond, the way they communicate, even what they start to notice can change. And from the outside, that shift doesn't always feel clear or as easy to understand. When someone begins to understand themselves, it doesn't always look like what others expect. You might notice them slowing down a little bit, becoming more aware of things they didn't see before, or responding differently in situations that used to feel more automatic. They may be starting to set boundaries that they hadn't set before. They may start asking questions about their past or bringing things into conversations that were never really talked about. From the outside, this can feel totally confusing. And it might be like, why are they bringing this up now? Or why does this suddenly matter? Or why are they acting so different? And this can feel especially hard in families where things weren't really talked about, where difficult moments were moved past quickly, where emotions were kept quiet, or where certain topics just weren't opened up. In those kinds of environments, bringing something up later can feel totally unexpected and really uncomfortable. And I want to offer something just very gently to you here. Most of the time, remember, they're not trying to instill blame. They're trying to understand themselves. They're actually trying to make sense of patterns, to understand their own reactions, and connect the past to what they feel in the present. And when they bring something into a conversation, it's usually not about attacking. It's about asking, can you see me? Are you open to understanding me at a newer, deeper level? And are you open to making sense of this with me together? At the same time, I also want to acknowledge that this can feel really uncomfortable, as I've already said. When someone begins to change, it can naturally shift the dynamic of the relationship. Even if nothing is being said directly, something feels different. And unfamiliar often feels uncomfortable before it ever feels safe. Let me say that one more time. Unfamiliar often feels uncomfortable before it ever feels safe. So sometimes conversations do get tense and defensiveness can show up. Things can get misunderstood or people can shut down completely. And I want you to hear this part. Those reactions don't mean you're doing something wrong either. Often remember, it is your own body's nervous system trying to protect you in a moment that feels unfamiliar or uncertain. Because remember, and maybe this is new to you. So maybe this is something you're hearing for the first time. Your brain's number one job is to protect you and keep you safe. And if something feels uncertain or it feels scary to the nervous system, remember that brain's job is protection. It's going to shut it down. And it's not going to allow you to see that this person is coming from a place of compassion and love. And it might turn the nervous system to come into a place more of threat. So remember, in that moment, your nervous system is trying to protect you, especially in times that are new or feel unfamiliar. I want to share something really personal here because I have experienced this from multiple sides. Many of my listeners know the story, but if you're new here, I lost my dad when he was 68 last January of 2025. He passed away during surgery for melanoma cancer. And I got to San Diego about two hours too late to say goodbye. And there were so many things left unsaid between us. But after he passed and through my own healing and working through my grief, I started reading some of his own journals when he was a young adult. And what I found was that he had written about his own anxiety and his own self-doubt, things he had been carrying since he was really young. But those were never things that we talked about when I was growing up. Like so many families, those parts just weren't shared. And I found myself wondering how different could it have been if those conversations had happened. Because I'll be honest, I was often so afraid of my dad because I didn't understand him. And now looking back and through all this work, I see so much more. Losing him shifted so much for me. It brought up things that I haven't fully processed in my own life. And it made me look at our relationship in a deeper way. It made me wish that there were conversations we had been able to have. And at the same time, it's also helped me understand how hard those conversations can be. Because sometimes we don't actually have the language to have those types of conversations yet. Sometimes our nervous system doesn't have the capacity. And sometimes we don't even realize that there's even something there to look at. And this doesn't make anybody bad. It makes us and it makes everybody human. So if someone you love is doing this work, what actually helps? Remember, it's not about having a perfect response or knowing exactly what to say, but it is about you creating presence, being aware of yourself, your presence, and how could you show up in that presence in a deeper sense of it with somebody else in your family? It can look like listening without immediately trying to fix it. It can sound like, I didn't realize that, or can you help me understand a little bit more? It might look like taking a slow deep breath before responding, or allowing space in the conversation instead of reacting right away. Remember, you don't have to agree with everything that the other person is saying, and you don't have to see it the same way. But staying open can make a meaningful difference. And there's also some deeper things that matter here. What we don't understand or work through, remember, doesn't just disappear. It often continues in patterns. Let me say that one more time. And especially think about this through your own family system. What we don't understand or work through doesn't just disappear. It often continues in patterns that get passed down. It shows up in how we respond. It shows up in how we communicate and how we relate to the people around us. Research even shows that stress, coping patterns, and emotional responses can be passed down across generations, not just through behavior, but through the nervous system and biology as well. So when someone starts to honestly look at their family patterns, the ones that resonate the deepest with them and the ones that they're experiencing, they're not just focusing on the past. They are trying to shift what gets carried forward. And if you're listening to this and realizing that you haven't really explored your own patterns or your own family system before, remember, it's all it's okay. All of it is okay. You do not have to dive into everything all at once. And I'm actually asking you not to. This kind of work can start very, very simply. You might begin by just noticing your own reactions. I want you to think about right now, if someone has tried to approach you, let's, such as your spouse or one of your adult children, or maybe you're an adult child trying to approach it with your parent or with a dear friend or a sibling. I want you to think about can you just recall a time when somebody brought something to your awareness that they wanted to explore with you and what you did in that those instant moments when they brought that up and how those reactions showed up for you? Do you remember what it felt like in your body? Did you try to defend yourself, protect yourself? Did you get really mad? Or did you want to completely shut down? Noticing your own reactions can be so powerful for you to begin to deepen your awareness into what this healing can also be like for you. And I want you to think about what tends to trigger you just in general. Can you think about triggers? What makes you want to shut down? And also what makes you feel defensive. I want to invite you to really get curious about where these patterns came from. Is this something that started with you? Or do you remember seeing this in your parents, maybe even your grandparents? And remember, trying to get curious about where patterns came from is not to assign blame, but to help understand yourself a little bit more clearly. You might also reflect on how emotions were handled in your family growing up. Were things talked about? Did you see repair happen? Or was there this sense of we just sweep things under the rug and we don't talk about it? I want you to think about what was talked about and maybe even what wasn't. Even asking yourself, what feels familiar to me in relationships? This question and these other questions and these things to ponder on can be such a powerful place to start. In my work, this is what I help people do. I help people understand their nervous system, recognize the patterns they've been carrying, and learn how to respond differently, not just for themselves, but for their relationships and for the generations that come after them. And this isn't about being a different person either or trying to change everything all at once overnight, but it is about becoming more aware. It is about becoming more grounded in our own body and becoming more intentional in how we show up, how we show up for ourselves and then how we show up for everybody else. If you are listening and you feel even just a small sense of curiosity, remember you don't have to have everything figured out at once. You don't have to do it perfectly. And honestly, none of us will ever do this healing work perfectly. But you can simply start by being open, open to noticing, open to listening, and open to understanding that there may be more beneath the surface than what you've seen before. And if you want a place to begin, you can explore some of the earlier episodes of this podcast where I talk more about the nervous system and how these patterns form. There are also incredible resources that walk through this in a really accessible way, like one of my favorite books, It Didn't Start With You, which helps you begin to look at how patterns and experiences can carry across generations. So honestly, if you're in a place and you want to learn more, I would encourage you to get that book on Amazon or audio. It didn't start with you. And just go back and start to explore the earlier episodes of my podcast. If you can start from the beginning, I try to keep the episodes super short, a few points, share some research, and do it at a pace that feels sustainable for you to be able to integrate the information. And also remember, you don't have to agree with everything or go deep all at once. And this is also true when you're having a conversation with someone that's trying to explore what healing is looking like for them and how they want to bring you into it. It doesn't mean you have to be open for everything or go deeper with them if you don't feel ready. But even just being willing to ponder what might not have been talked about again in your family, what might not have been explored or faced in your family over the last few generations can be a powerful place to start. And as you do that, you might be able to start to notice patterns in your own body. Again, as you reflect on what it was like when this person tried to come and present something to you. If someone in your life is doing this work, this healing work, this nervous system work, or this generational work, remember they are not intentionally trying to create distance. Most of the time, they're actually trying to create deeper connection, even if it doesn't come out perfectly and even if it feels messy, because honestly, there is often a messy middle to this healing. And even if it feels unfamiliar, remember the ultimate goal is to actually try to connect at a deeper level. And this is something that I don't know if everybody agrees with out in the world, especially even in the therapy space. I see all types of things happening, especially with those young adults and this huge population that are spending so much time going, no contact with their family. Remember, healing doesn't have to separate people. Sometimes it does, right? Sometimes healing is not possible with the people that are closest to us because boundaries have been ruptured in severe ways and safety is not actually accessible for that relationship based on different types of abuse. But remember, for a lot of people, healing doesn't have to separate us. It can actually bring people closer together. But that closeness does require a willingness to stay open by both parties or all parties involved. And that closeness does require you and all of us to stay curious and to practice not shutting down the moment something feels uncomfortable. Also, if you're listening to this because someone sent it to you, I want to leave you with this. There's something meaningful in the fact that they thought of you. Not because they're trying to change you, but because they want connection with you. And that matters deeply. Maybe just gently ask yourself, what might they be trying to share underneath how it came out? What had been their goal of trying to come to me and share? Remember, this isn't about perfectionism, and it will never be perfect and it will often be messy, and you don't have to understand everything right away. But staying open is a powerful place to start. And I want to leave you with a little bit of hope. Remember, changing doesn't happen all at once. It happens in small moments. Moments of curiosity instead of shutdown. Moments of listening instead of overreacting. Moments of choosing to stay when things feel uncomfortable instead of pulling away. And those moments matter more than you think because even one shift, one conversation, and one deeper moment of understanding can begin to change something that has been carried for a long time. And often remember too that healing doesn't look like having all the answers. Sometimes it's simply just the decision that we become willing to stay. We become willing to stay in the uncomfortable. We become willing to stay in the conversation just a little longer. We become willing to stay curious instead of defensive. We become willing to stay present instead of shutting down, to stay open even when you don't fully understand yet. And to set the intention to stay connected even when it feels unfamiliar and unknown to you. And that kind of staying is so powerful because over time, these small moments of choosing to stay with that other person can create something different. You guys, I have seen families begin to shift. I've seen relationships soften and I've seen conversations open up that once felt impossible. And remember, it will never happen perfectly or a certain way, or maybe even the way that you think, but it does happen through awareness, through openness, and through small, consistent moments of choosing something different. And when that happens within a family system, remember, it does not just impact one relationship, it can ripple outward further than you ever imagined. It creates something stronger, more open, and more connected. And that, my friends, is truly my hope for the world. And one last thing I want to say is there is power in saying sorry and asking to try again. And I know that for so many of us, saying sorry, asking forgiveness or receiving forgiveness was not modeled for us growing up. I know that one all too well. And that shows up in my own relationship with my husband, where it's still super hard for me to say sorry. But I want to challenge you to be the one that says sorry first, to practice that and see what is possible if you are the one that chooses that. And some powerful, powerful words that I've implemented with my own children once I learned them is after this sorry is saying two questions actually. What can we learn from that? First for ourselves, okay, what can I learn from that? And then with the other person, what can we learn from that? And then truly asking that other person, can we try again? And I cannot think of anything more hopeful than that, than two people or a family or multiple people both deciding to try again. Remember to, one of the most painful things about this work is the realization that we cannot heal a relationship on our own. And so many people that come into therapy feel like there's more that they can do to then change the other person. One person cannot change a relationship, but remember one person can heavily influence it. So if you're listening to this and feeling very lonely on this journey and feeling like that repair has not been happening, there, that's sorry, has not come about. You've never even heard those words before. I just want you to remember to keep doing that work yourself, my friends, and keep envisioning, sending that invitation to the ones that you love. And if you are one of those that's gotten this invitation from somebody that loves you, just take that as a great honor. And that is truly my hope for the world is that more of us can do our own work and do it in a mindful, powerful way that invites our other family and our friends to look at it. And that they will be willing at some point to do their own work. And then in relationship with that other person, as we're both doing our own work, we can heal and we can heal forward, which means we can change the trajectory. No matter what has come from the past, we can change the trajectory of those that come after us. Thank you guys for being here. Thank you for listening. Please send this to somebody that you feel could use that today. And as always, make it a beautiful week. Let's make it a reflective week and a week of pondering and deep awareness in ourselves and our patterns and in those moments that we want to try again with somebody else. And we want to be able to create deeper connection than ever before. So until next time, bye guys. Thanks for joining me on the NeuroAir Podcast. This work is about honoring resilience in yourself and also those who came before you, all while finding freedom from what was never yours to carry. With the help of stories, science, somatic tools, and the four ends notice, name, nurture, and navigate, you have a path toward deeper connection with yourself, your loved ones, and the legacy you want to pass on. If today's episode spoke to you, share it with someone who's ready to step into this work too. And follow the show so you never miss an episode. Remember, you may not have chosen what you inherited, but you can choose what comes next.