27. Why Vulnerability Feels Like a Threat (And How to Work Through It)

Vulnerability is often talked about as something we should do but rarely do we pause to ask why it feels so hard in the first place. 

In this episode, we’re exploring vulnerability through a nervous system and generational lens, breaking down why opening up, taking risks, or being seen can feel unsafe… even when we deeply crave connection.

Inspired by Brené Brown’s work on the myths of vulnerability, this conversation bridges science, somatic awareness, and real-life experiences to help you understand what’s actually happening in your body when vulnerability shows up. Because the truth is, it’s not a mindset problem. It’s a protection response.

Through the lens of the Notice, Name, Nurture, Navigate framework, you’ll begin to see vulnerability not as weakness but as a nervous system state shaped by your experiences, your environment, and even generations before you. And from that place, you can start working with your body instead of against it.

In this episode, we cover:

• Why vulnerability can feel unsafe even when it leads to connection and growth
• The six myths of vulnerability and how they show up in your nervous system
• How generational patterns and family systems shape your relationship with vulnerability
• The connection between vulnerability, uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure
• What “not doing vulnerability” actually looks like (hint: it often shows up as avoidance, overworking, or reactivity)
• How hyper-independence and self-reliance can be nervous system adaptations
• Why discomfort isn’t something to avoid but something to build capacity for
• The truth about trust: why it doesn’t come before vulnerability, but is built through it
• The difference between true vulnerability and oversharing and how to find safe, aligned expression
• How to use the Notice, Name, Nurture, Navigate framework to move through vulnerability with intention

This episode is an invitation to shift the question from “What’s wrong with me?” to “What is my nervous system trying to do?” and to meet yourself with more compassion in the process.

Because you don’t stop feeling vulnerable…
You just stop abandoning yourself inside of it.

Resources:

Barbara Markway, B. (2019, May 6). Brené Brown’s Netflix special busts six vulnerability myths. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shyness-is-nice/201905/bren-browns-netflix-special-busts-six-vulnerability-myths

Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: Brave work, tough conversations, whole hearts. Random House.

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Website → leannahunt.com

Disclaimer:
Although I am a licensed Associate Clinical Mental Health Counselor, The NeuroHeir℠ Podcast is not a substitute for therapy, counseling, or medical treatment. The tools and practices I share are for educational and coaching purposes only. Every nervous system is unique, and what we discuss on this podcast should not replace your own individual therapeutic work or professional support.

The focus of this podcast is my coaching work, which centers on education, nervous system practices, and generational healing tools designed to support—not replace—your personal journey with a qualified provider.

If you are struggling with your mental health or experiencing overwhelming emotions, please seek support from a licensed professional in your area. You don’t have to do this work alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Welcome to the NeuroAir Podcast, the show for cycle breakers, parents, young adults, and helping professionals ready to understand their nervous system through a generational lens, heal what isn't theirs to carry, and consciously choose what comes next. Hi, I'm your host, Leanna Hunts, an associate clinical mental health counselor and certified performance coach. Each week you'll get stories, science, and somatic practices plus my signature form and framework. Notice, name, nurture, and navigate to help you honor resilience, break silence, and build deeper connection with yourself and those you love, all while shaping a legacy of safety, freedom, and possibility. Welcome back to the NeuroAir podcast. Lately, I've been rereading Dare to Lead by Brene Brown as part of my year-long brain spotting consultant training, where I'm not only deepening my understanding of neurobiology and somatic work, but also learning how to teach and certify others in this work. And something that's been really interesting is how much this training isn't just about the nervous system in isolation, but it is about leadership. It's about how we show up and it's about how we relate. It's about how we hold ourselves and others, especially in moments that feel uncertain. And as I have gone through chapter one again, where she talks about the myths of vulnerability, I had this moment of like, this is nervous system work, like all of it. And I felt so many connections and related to it in a whole new way since the first time reading it. Because what she's really describing to me is what it feels like in your body when there is uncertainty, when there is risk, and when there's emotional exposure exposure, as she talks about. And that is vulnerability. And from a nervous system perspective, this is why vulnerability can feel so hard. Because as we've talked about, your brain is always scanning for what is safe. And anything that feels uncertain, anything that feels exposing, anything that feels like a risk can be interpreted as a potential threat. Not because it is dangerous, but because your nervous system is trying to protect you. And again, that's its number one job in that ancient most primitive part of your brain is scanning for threat and safety. So even when vulnerability is actually what creates connection, what creates growth, what creates change, your body might still respond like this doesn't feel safe. And that's what I want to break down today. And I also want to say that this episode is me taking what Brene Brown teaches and viewing it through the lens of nervous system regulation, of generational patterns, and my for N framework that I use often. And this is how I'm choosing to understand it and how I'm integrating it into the work that I'm currently doing. And if this resonates with you, I highly encourage you to explore Brene Brown's work directly because it is incredibly impactful. I've read several of her books, and one of my other favorites, besides Dare to Lead, is The Gifts of Imperfection. But let's go back to as I was rereading this book through the lens of the nervous system, one part really stood out to me. One of the things she says early on is that vulnerability is not weakness. It's the most accurate measure of courage. And I want you just to sit with that for a second. Because for a lot of us, depending on how we were raised, vulnerability most likely didn't feel like courage. For many I know and have worked with, being vulnerable meant feeling unsafe. It maybe meant feeling exposed, and it was maybe even dangerous. And so over time, your nervous system had to adapt. It learned how to protect you from that feeling. Because at one point, that feeling was probably really scary. So when we talk about vulnerability today, I don't want you to think about vulnerability as just sharing your feelings or opening up emotionally. I want you to think about it like this: any moment your nervous system is outside of certainty, anytime there is that risk, any moment there is that emotional exposure, that is vulnerability. And your nervous system will always respond to that. Not because, again, something is wrong with you, but because it's trying to protect you. And the reason I want you to think about it this way is because when you only define vulnerability as emotional expression, you might miss what's actually happening in your body. You might miss that tightening in your body or maybe in your chest, your hands, your jaw, your stomach. You might miss that urge to pull away, that need to shut down or speed up or avoid things altogether. And when you miss that, you don't get a chance to focus on the response. But when you can start to see vulnerability as a nervous system state, you might begin to be able to work with your body instead of against it. And here's where this can become really important because the way your nervous system responds to vulnerability often didn't start with you. Remember, it was shaped in your environments. It has been shaped in your relationships, and it has been shaped in your family. And when you can zoom out for a minute and really look at your own unique family system, you might be able to start to understand a little bit more why. Maybe it goes back to when your family came to the United States from another country, not speaking the language, having very little, trying to just survive in a completely unfamiliar place where being vulnerable may have actually put a family member or family members at risk. Maybe your family lived through something like the influenza pandemic at the turn of the century, like my great-grandfather, and lost a lot of his family. Or maybe your family survived during the Great Depression, or maybe you lost family members during that time, where decisions had to be made just to have food on the table and just to stay alive. And in those environments, vulnerability wasn't always safe. Sometimes it could mean loss. Sometimes it could mean not having enough. And sometimes it could even be life-threatening. So when you could look at it through that lens, it might make more sense for you. These are all very valid reasons for why the brain and the nervous system made the decisions they did to survive. And this is also where compassion can start to come in. Because as you sit here now trying to understand why vulnerability feels so hard for you, there is a good chance that at some point not being vulnerable was actually what kept you safe. There wasn't always the luxury of certain types of courage throughout time because the consequences felt too high. And this is exactly why when you start doing your own inner work, when you start slowing down, when you start feeling more and when you start naming things, it can feel really confusing and maybe even uncomfortable for the people around you. Because what you're doing is stepping into vulnerability in a way that maybe has never existed in your family system before. And sometimes that doesn't just feel unfamiliar to them. It can actually feel unsafe. So I want to walk you through Brene's six myths of vulnerability. And as I share them, I'm going to bring in what this can look like in your nervous system, how it can show up generationally, and how you can begin to move through it using the four ends. Hopefully you know them so well by now. Notice, name, nurture, and navigate. And this isn't in any sort of step-by-step way, but in a way that helps you start to understand what maybe is actually happening in your body when vulnerability is showing up. And once you understand that, you can stop asking, what's wrong with me, and start asking, what is my nervous system trying to do? So let's dive in. The first myth is that vulnerability is weakness. And honestly, this one makes so much sense because if you think about vulnerability, it is often defined, it's described as being exposed to harm physically or emotionally. And of course, your nervous system would hear that and go, yeah, no, thanks. That doesn't sound like something we should move towards. It sounds like something we should actually avoid or run away from. And then on top of that, a lot of us were raised to be brave, but only in ways that didn't involve actual rejection or failure or emotional risk. So we learned how to perform strength without actually having to be vulnerable. But what Brene talks about and has found through her research is that vulnerability is actually made up of those three things I've already mentioned: uncertainty. It's made up of risk. And the third is emotional exposure. And when you look at it that way, it can start to make a little more sense why your nervous system responds so strongly to it. Because those are the exact conditions your brain is wired to scan for. There's a story she shares where she was talking with members of the special forces and she asked them if they could think of a single example of courage that did not involve vulnerability. And one of the men who had served multiple tours said he could not think of any. And that's the reframe. There is no courage without vulnerability. And when you start to bring this into real life, vulnerability doesn't always look like some big emotional moment. It can actually look like just a lot of everyday things. And I love how this was broken down in an article on psychology today by Barbara Markway. She said even things like saying no can help you practice vulnerability, saying I love you first, trying something new, asking someone for help, sharing something you created with someone you love, and even just being honest about how you feel. And this is where I want to bring it back to your nervous system. Because if vulnerability includes uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure, then of course your body might respond with tension or hesitation or that urge to pull back or shut down. Again, not because this is a weakness you have, but because your nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed to do, which is to protect you from what could feel like potential harm. And if you can start to see it this way, you can begin to shift the question from why is this so hard for me? To maybe saying something to yourself, like, of course this feels hard. My nervous system is trying to keep me safe. And I want to invite you to get a little curious here and maybe ponder on this question today and come back to it anytime. Where in your life might vulnerability be showing up right now? And what is your nervous system trying to do with it? That's the question. Okay, myth two, I don't do vulnerability. And this is something I have heard a lot over the years and seen in my own work. But the truth is, you might not express vulnerability, but your nervous system is still responding to moments of those things that Bernays talked about, uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Avoidance can be a response to vulnerability. Overworking might be a response to vulnerability. Numbing out might be that response to vulnerability. And in my experience, this often connects back to environments where emotions weren't talked about or didn't feel safe to express. So if the family system learned, or your system learns, hey, just deal with it. We sweep these under the rug, push it down, we stay busy to avoid, or we just keep moving to not have to face. You might notice this in your own body showing up as restlessness or anxiety or distraction or a constant need to stay occupied, or even feeling uncomfortable when things get quiet. And something she also talks about in her book is that we tend to have two paths here. We either choose to move forward toward vulnerability or we move away from it. And what that can look like is when something feels uncomfortable or exposing, you can either stay with that experience, acknowledge it, or your system may try to move away from it, sometimes without you even realizing it. And this is where you might see things like snapping or yelling at someone you care about and not meaning to, shutting down completely, again, that busyness or complete numbing out. Not because, again, something is wrong with you, but because your nervous system is trying to respond to something that feels uncomfortable or overwhelming. So imagine this: you have a really hard day at work, you get home and you get some feedback from your spouse that hits you pretty hard. Maybe you even feel shame towards what was said. Maybe you feel like you're not good enough. So your system gets activated and without realizing it, you say things you don't mean. You yell or try to defend yourself and you don't actually try to hear what the other person is saying. And then you shut it down completely. And again, this is just for your understanding that what might be happening underneath the surface is something that needs to be addressed. And this is where things can start to shift. Again, this isn't to try to force being vulnerable, but by becoming more aware of it, by noticing something feels off in my system right now. And by being able to say, I don't actually feel okay by allowing yourself to pause instead of pushing through. Because what can look like not doing vulnerability may actually be your system trying to protect you in the only way it knows how. And I want to invite you to get curious about this. Where might vulnerability be showing up in your life, but possibly coming out as avoidance or distraction or reactivity. Okay, myth number three is I can go it alone. And this might be what we would consider hyper-independence. It's a nervous system that learned it had to rely solely on itself. And maybe for you growing up, maybe support wasn't consistent or it wasn't even available from a caretaker at all. Maybe asking for support didn't feel safe to you. So for over time, your system adapted to, I'm just gonna handle this on my own. And generationally, this can also run really deep. Maybe those in your family had to learn things like, we don't need anyone. We figure this out ourselves. We don't rely on other people because we can't trust them. And again, this can also make sense because if connection didn't feel safe or wasn't reliable, your system learned that depending on yourself was the only option. But even if independence has been the strategy for a long time, we are not meant to do everything alone. And this is something I talked about back in episode 25. We don't actually heal in isolation. We are always in relationship, relationship with other people, but also in relationship with ourselves, with our own past experiences and with the different parts of us that carry those experiences. So even when you're quote unquote doing it on your own, you're still in relationship. So the question here is what kind of relationship are you in? Is it one where you're pushing yourself, you're ignoring yourself, you're expecting yourself to just handle it? Or is it one where you're beginning to listen, to understand, and to respond differently? And that doesn't mean you suddenly have to trust everyone or share everything all at once. But it might look like noticing when you start to pull away or when asking for support feels uncomfortable. And instead of trying to judge that, you might begin to recognize there's a part of me that doesn't trust support yet. And that part likely learned it for a really good reason. And from there, you don't have to force anything. But maybe you choose to take some small steps. Maybe it's letting someone in a little bit that you have never allowed to before. Maybe it's asking someone for something simple, allowing support in a way that feels safe enough for you. Because remember, the goal is that you're not trying to do all of this alone. And I want to invite you to notice where might you be trying to do this on your own right now? And what would one small step towards support look like? Okay, moving on to myth four. Myth four is that we can avoid discomfort. And this one shows up a lot in different ways because your nervous system is wired to move away from discomfort, especially when discomfort feels like danger. So, what do we do? We distract ourselves, we scroll, we overwork, we try to control it. And honestly, this also makes sense because when something feels uncomfortable in your body, your system is going to look for a way out. And something that Brene talks about, especially in leadership spaces, is how often we try to solve this. We try to take the discomfort out of vulnerability, to make it easier, to make it less messy. But what she found and what I see also is that there really isn't a way to remove discomfort without also removing the growth that can come with it. So the shift can become not how do I get rid of this feeling, but how do I begin to stay with myself inside this feeling? So remember, healing isn't about removing discomfort, but it is about increasing your capacity to be with yourself when the discomfort shows up. So you might start to notice that urge to escape, that impulse to reach for something that takes you out of the moment. And instead of immediately acting on this, you pause and you recognize, oh, this feels uncomfortable in my body. And this is where support comes in. Because staying with discomfort doesn't mean forcing yourself to have to sit with it alone. You can also bring in what I call resourcing or grounding, something that actually helps your body feel a little more supported in the discomfort. In nervous system work, this is something often referred to as pendulation, where you can allow your awareness to move between the discomfort you feel in your body and something that also feels more neutral or supportive. So instead of getting stuck in the discomfort or trying to avoid it completely, you begin to move between both. And this can look like maybe you notice that tightness in your chest, but then you also notice your feet on the ground. Maybe you notice that anxiety. And then you also start looking around the room and orient to where you are. And the goal in this pendulation isn't to just get rid of the feeling, but it is to help your system stay within a range that feels more manageable for you. And over time, this is where capacity begins to build. This is what we often talk about as your window of tolerance expanding. And again, even when your window of tolerance expands, it's not the discomfort is going to disappear, but it is your ability to stay present with it longer as it starts to grow. And even in relationships, this can look like not rushing into have to fix everything, not trying to immediately take the discomfort away, but allowing space for it to exist while also staying connected. Because sometimes the most supportive thing is not removing the discomfort, but it is being able to stay present with it longer. So for here, I just want to invite you to notice what do you tend to reach for when discomfort shows up? And what might it look like to stay with yourself while also giving your body a little support? Okay, myth five is that trust comes before vulnerability. And this is also really important because a lot of us think, I'm gonna open up when I can trust them. I'll share when I feel 100% safe, or I'll be vulnerable once I know it's okay, or they've given me evidence it's okay. And that also makes sense because your nervous system is always trying to assess safety. But what I've seen, and also what Brene talks about, is that trust isn't something we think our way into. It's something we experience. Trust builds over time. Trust builds through small moments of vulnerability that are met with safety through being seen and not rejected, through sharing small things and it being held with care. So if you're waiting until you feel 100% safe, you might find yourself staying closed off. Again, not because you don't want connection or you're not craving that, but because your system is waiting for certainty that often isn't going to come first. And this is also where boundaries can really be important because vulnerability, again, doesn't mean sharing everything with everyone. It means learning over time who feels safe enough to share with, even starting with the small things. So instead of forcing yourself to open up, it might look like noticing that hesitation. It might be recognizing I don't fully feel safe yet and letting that be okay. And this is where you begin to navigate, not by pushing yourself too far too fast, but by taking small intentional steps. Maybe a step looks like sharing something a little more honest than usual. Maybe it's letting someone see you just a little bit more. Again, not all at once, but over time. Because remember, you don't think your way into trust, you experience your way into it. Let me say that one more time. You don't think your way into trust, you experience your way into it. And I want to invite you to notice here do you tend to hold back or share quickly when it comes to vulnerability? And what might it look like to move just slightly towards the middle? And the sixth myth is that vulnerability is disclosure. And this is where things can get a little confusing because sometimes what looks like vulnerability is actually or might be something else. Oversharing isn't always vulnerability. Sometimes it can be your nervous system trying to find relief, trying to move something through quickly, trying to feel seen, trying to release what feels overwhelming in the moment. And what might happen after is that uh oh feeling. You're like, oh my gosh, I feel exposed here. I feel regret, I feel unsafe. And again, this isn't about shame, but it is about understanding what might be happening in your own system. Because what we sometimes call vulnerability can actually be a moment of dysregulation where your system moved faster than your sense of safety could support. And this is where intention and boundaries are important as well. Because vulnerability isn't about sharing everything, but it is about sharing in a way that feels safe enough for you right now. It's also not about what you share, but maybe why you're sharing it. And this is something Brene talks about as well: that vulnerability isn't about the amount of disclosure, but the intention behind it. So before sharing something, you might pause and ask yourself, why am I sharing this? Or what am I hoping for here in sharing this? And what am I feeling right now? And even underneath that, is there a part of me that's trying to feel seen, to feel understood, to feel connected? And when you start to slow that moment down, you get to create space for choice. So when that uh feeling shows up, if it does, you might begin to notice it and recognize it might have been too much for my system. And instead of judging yourself, you nurture that part. You let yourself know I was trying to feel seen. And from there, you can navigate not by shutting down, but by learning what safer sharing might look like next time, who feels safe enough, what feels appropriate, and what feels supportive to your system. And this is where we can slowly zoom out again, because in some family systems, there may not have been space for expression at all. Or on the other side, there may not have been clear boundaries around sharing. So your system may not have had a model for what safe, connected vulnerability actually looks like. And this is part of the work now, not to stop sharing, but to begin sharing in a way that feels more aligned, more intentional, and more supportive to your nervous system. Because vulnerability isn't sharing everything, it's sharing safely. And this reminds me too of something in a brain spotting one of my trainings that one of my mentors shared is that sometimes the one who learns the most is the one who doesn't share at all. And that's more directed for those people like me who maybe overshare and thinking, could vulnerability for you actually be in not sharing? Just some things to think about. So when you look at all of this together, you might start to understand a little bit more why this work can feel so different, not just for you, but the people around you. Because when your family doesn't understand your healing, what they're often responding to is vulnerability they were never taught how to hold. Not because they don't care and they don't love you, but because their nervous system learned something different. And this is what becoming a neuroheir can look like for you. You notice what's happening in your body a little sooner. You are naming the patterns without shaming yourself. You are nurturing the parts of you that feel exposed and you're navigating with intention instead of protection. You don't stop feeling vulnerable, you just stop abandoning yourself inside of it. Let me say that one more time. You don't stop feeling vulnerable, but you just stop abandoning yourself inside it. And that is what begins to change things, not just for you, but for the generations after you. So if this resonated with you, I'd love for you to share this episode with someone who may be trying to understand your healing a little bit more. And if you want to go deeper into this work, this is exactly what we're doing inside the NeuroAir membership, learning how to be with your nervous system so you can live, lead, and love from a more grounded place. So thanks you guys for being here. Thank you for all the conversations, for the work that you're doing, for your listening, for your implementation, for your practice, for your patience, for your compassion for yourself and for those around you that you love and so desperately want to join you on this journey. So I'm just thinking about all of you today and hope you have a beautiful rest of your week. So until next time, bye guys. Thanks for joining me on the NeuroAir Podcast. This work is about honoring resilience in yourself and also those who came before you, all while finding freedom from what was never yours to carry. With the help of stories, science, somatic tools, and the four ends notice, name, nurture, and navigate, you have a path toward deeper connection with yourself, your loved ones, and the legacy you want to pass on. If today's episode spoke to you, share it with someone who is ready to step into this work too. And follow the show so you never miss an episode. Remember, you may not have chosen what you inherited, but you can choose what comes next.