28. How to Feel Safe Being Seen: A Nervous System Approach to Vulnerability

Last week, we explored vulnerability—what it really means and why it can feel so uncomfortable. But today, we’re going deeper into what actually makes vulnerability possible in the first place: courage.

Not the kind of courage that pushes through or overrides your body… but a more compassionate, nervous-system-informed version. Because if being seen once felt unsafe, your body isn’t going to magically welcome vulnerability just because your mind wants it to. In this episode, we unpack why courage can feel so hard, how your nervous system shapes your response to being seen, and how to begin building true, embodied courage—one small step at a time.

Through personal stories, neuroscience insights, and practical tools, you’ll learn how to work with your body instead of against it so vulnerability becomes something you can gently allow, rather than force.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why vulnerability often feels unsafe (and why that makes total sense)
• A new, nervous-system-based definition of courage
• How your past experiences shape your ability to be seen
• The role of the nervous system in connection and protection
• Hyperarousal vs. hypoarousal—and how courage looks different in each state
• The “courage bridge” and what it actually requires
• The power of small, titrated steps toward vulnerability
• Why self-compassion after vulnerability is essential
• The “4 N’s” framework: Notice, Name, Nurture, Navigate
• How to build your personal “courage ladder”
• Rewriting generational patterns around expression and emotional safety

Key takeaway:

Courage isn’t about eliminating fear—it’s about staying connected to yourself within it. And every small moment of honesty teaches your nervous system that being seen doesn’t have to come at the same cost it once did.

APA Citations:

• Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009) – Stress and prefrontal cortex function
• Porges, S. W. (2011) – Polyvagal Theory
• Levine, P. (Somatic Experiencing / titration concept)
• Neff, K. (Self-compassion research)
• Siegel, D. J. (“Name it to tame it” / interpersonal neurobiology) 

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Website → leannahunt.com

Disclaimer:
Although I am a licensed Associate Clinical Mental Health Counselor, The NeuroHeir℠ Podcast is not a substitute for therapy, counseling, or medical treatment. The tools and practices I share are for educational and coaching purposes only. Every nervous system is unique, and what we discuss on this podcast should not replace your own individual therapeutic work or professional support.

The focus of this podcast is my coaching work, which centers on education, nervous system practices, and generational healing tools designed to support—not replace—your personal journey with a qualified provider.

If you are struggling with your mental health or experiencing overwhelming emotions, please seek support from a licensed professional in your area. You don’t have to do this work alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Welcome back to the NeuroAir podcast. There's something I want to come back to from last week's episode because it sets the foundation for everything we're going to talk about today. Last week we talked about vulnerability and how often it's misunderstood. And the definition I referenced comes from Brene Brown, who defines vulnerability in her book, Dare to Lead, as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. And she also describes it as one of the most accurate measures of courage. And I want you just to pause with that for a second because I think a lot of us hear the word vulnerability and we might imagine openness, connection, maybe honesty. But when you really look at that definition, including uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure, it can make so much sense why your nervous system might not immediately say, hey, yeah, let's do that. Let's dive into that vulnerability stuff. It makes sense why a part of you wants vulnerability and maybe another part of you pulls back. Because your body isn't wired for exposure. It's actually wired for protection. And we've talked so much about this. So today, instead of just talking about vulnerability, I want to go deeper into something that sits underneath it, something that actually makes vulnerability possible in the first place. And my friends, that is courage. And not the kind of courage we've been taught to think about, not forcing courage, not pushing through, not overriding what your body is telling you. I want to offer a different definition, a neuroair definition of courage. I want you to think about courage is not something fixed. Courage actually adapts. And I want you to think about how courage evolves based on what your nervous system has needed to survive. So for many of us, the version of courage we inherited is very different than the version of courage we're being asked to practice now. Because in one season of your life or in previous generations, courage might have looked like staying quiet, not needing anything, holding it together, maybe keeping the peace or even keeping family secrets. And now for you, courage might look like speaking up. Maybe it's expressing needs, and maybe it's allowing yourself to be seen as who you truly are, or maybe it's setting healthy boundaries in order to maintain connection. And that shift can feel dangerous to the body. So today we're going to talk about how to practice courage in a way that works with your nervous system so that vulnerability becomes something your body can actually begin to allow little by little. And before we talk about how to practice courage, we have to understand why it can feel so hard in the first place. Because for many of you listening, this may not have started with you. In many families, vulnerability wasn't just discouraged, it was actually unsafe. And not always in obvious ways either. Maybe more in the subtle repeated experiences like emotions not being talked about, needs being minimized, conflicts being avoided or shut down, or expression being met with disconnection. So the nervous system learns something over time. Courage means I need to contain myself. Or maybe it's been courage means don't make it worse. Or courage means stay quiet, stay small, and stay agreeable. And all of this makes sense because if expression led to disconnection, then silence became protection. Okay, let me say that one more time. If expression led to disconnection, then silence perhaps became your protection. And your nervous system is always organizing around one primary question. Is it safe to stay connected? Through what's known as polyvagal theory, we understand that safety isn't something you think, it's something your body feels. So if at any point in your life, being seen or trying to show up as your true self led to rejection, criticism, unpredictability, or emotional distance, your system most likely linked those experiences together. Visibility possibly became associated with risk. So now, even if your life looks different, even if your relationships are different, and even if a part of you wants to open up, your body may still respond as if it's not safe. And this is most likely because your nervous system is being loyal to what it learned. Your system doesn't know you're in a different chapter of life now, let alone another decade or maybe even another century. Your system is responding from those older stories. And we can even see this in the brain. The amygdala is constantly scanning for threat, as we've talked about, including social threat, which I think I mentioned last time. And when something feels risky, like being vulnerable, it activates protective responses in the body. And at the same time, research shows that stress can reduce activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for our reasoning, decision making, and intentional action. So in those moments where you think, why can't I just say what I feel? It's that your system is trying to protect you from something it believes could cost you connection. And when you start to see it this way, something can begin to soften. Because instead of that question that we ponder, what's wrong with me? The question can actually become, what did my system learn about what it means to be seen? And I've really had to sit with this question a lot in my own life, especially since losing my dad last year. Because visibility for me growing up with my dad was not always a good thing. Being seen did not always feel safe to me. It often meant I did something wrong, or I had missed something, or that I wasn't doing it well enough. And the feedback that followed or the lack thereof through heavy weighted silence felt so painful in my body that I learned very quickly to try to avoid that experience at all costs. So I adapted. I tried to keep everything in, to hold it together, to not stand out too much to him, because standing out often felt risky. And what I can see now that I couldn't fully see then is how much that shaped my relationship with myself and especially my relationship with food. There were long periods of time where I felt so out of control with food while at the same time trying to keep my emotions completely contained, almost like my body was expressing what I wasn't allowing myself to feel. And for a long time, this was one of the hardest things for me to talk about, even to admit that I had struggled with an eating disorder for so many years. There was so much shame around it and so much fear of what it meant to actually say it out loud. Yeah, I still get choked up when I talk about it. But when I can look at it now through the lens of the nervous system, my nervous system and the work I do with nervous systems, I don't see something that was wrong with me now. I see a system that was trying to protect me because for me, what vulnerability felt like was so much uncertainty. And it did mean emotional risk. And it was exposure. The very things Brene Brown describes as being at the core of vulnerability. But at the time, the stakes felt too high as a teenager. The uncertainty felt so high, I didn't know how it would be received. The emotional risk felt high because the cost of being criticized felt so painful in my body. And the exposure felt terrifying because being seen often meant hearing, do it again. It's not good enough. So of course, my system didn't want to move towards vulnerability. It moved more towards protection. It moved towards control, it moved towards forms of containment and towards anything that helps me avoid that level of exposure. And this is the part that can be really important to understand. Your nervous system isn't just reacting to what's happening right now, it's responding based on what it has learned. So even if your life looks different, even if your relationships are different now, and even if a part of you truly wants to open up, your body may still respond as if it's not safe. But because your nervous system is being loyal to what it learned, loyal to the environments, loyal to the patterns, and loyal to the experiences where being seen may have come with a cost. So when you feel that hesitation, maybe it's that tightening, that urge to pull back or protect, it can be memory, not always in your mind either, but memory stored in your body. And this is why in those moments, it can feel like you know what you want to say, but maybe you can't access it and the words don't actually come out. Or you say it in a way that doesn't fully reflect how you feel or who you feel like you are, because your system is still organizing around protection. It's organizing around staying connected, around avoiding what it once experienced as risk. And when you can start to see it this way, something can begin to soften. Because instead of asking what's wrong with me, the question can become, what did my system learn about what it means to be seen? And I still notice this in my life now, not in the same way as before, but in those smaller, quieter moments where something comes up in my body where I can feel that familiar tightening, maybe that hesitation and that question of, do I say this or is it just better if I hold it all in? Wow. Catches me every time I think about that. Even recently, I noticed this in a moment where I could feel the activation in my body. There was something I wanted to say to David, but I could also feel the part of me that wanted to hold it back, that wanted to stay safe, to not risk how it might be received. And what was different this time wasn't that the feeling went away. It was that I noticed it with compassion. I could name what was happening. I could feel both parts there. The part that wanted to protect and also the part that wanted to connect with him. And instead of reacting so quickly like I used to, or just shutting it down, I allowed myself to stay with it. I slowed it down and I chose one small honest step, which was to stay with him in the conversation. And I want you to see that courage doesn't mean the fear is going to go away, my friends. It doesn't mean your body suddenly feels completely safe 100% of the time. Courage is what allows you to stay connected to yourself first, even when your nervous system is activated. And what I've come to understand through moments like this is that courage doesn't look the same in every state. And this is where we begin to work with the body instead of against it. So when you're in hyper arousal, which is that fight or flight, that sympathetic energy, this is when your system can feel anxious. It might feel activated, it might feel urgent, like you need to say everything right now. Maybe it's anger, maybe it feels like overwhelm. Sometimes this is where an attempt at vulnerability might show up as overexplaining, emotional flooding, trying to prove or be understood. And that's not actually grounded vulnerability because it's based on sympathetic activation. So courage here looks like actually slowing down, pausing and bringing awareness to your breath. It's letting your body catch up before your words do. Even something as simple as, hey, I really want to share this with you, but I need a minute to settle in my body first so I can get my words out right. That to me is beautiful courage. And when you're in that hypo arousal, that more shutdown state, this is when your system can feel numb, disconnected. Maybe it just feels blank or like nothing's there, or you don't have words, or like you want to shut everything down. And this is where people often think, I'm just not good at vulnerability. But you guys, that's not necessarily true. Remember, your system is trying to protect you at all costs. So courage here doesn't have to be a full expression. What about if you showed up with more micro expressions? These micro expressions might sound like, hey, I don't fully have the words yet, but I want to try. I'm just wondering if you could please extend me a little bit more grace or patience. Or maybe it's even, hey, I feel something here. I want to explain it. I just can't name it yet. Could you give me a minute? And that counts and matters, you guys. And then when you're in ventral, which is also that regulated state, that place where you feel safe enough, that place that's more in your window of tolerance, this is where your connection actually feels truly accessible, where your body feels more grounded, where you can think and feel at the same time. And courage here looks like clear, honest expression. It looks like healthy boundaries. It looks like authenticity without urgency or shutdown. So if vulnerability is the destination, courage is the bridge. And here's what the bridge requires the first is safety before expression. And remember, not perfect safety because that's not a thing, but enough for the body to feel a sense of safety. Remember, you don't override your nervous system. Your job is to support it through safety and what feels safe. And what can you do to increase that sense of safety just in the moment? Number two, we're going to call titration, which means small steps. Healing is not going to happen through your consistent states of overwhelm, but it's actually going to happen through more manageable experiences. This concept is emphasized in somatic work by Peter Levine. So instead of saying say everything, I want you to think, try say one true sentence. I want to say just one thing that matters to me right now. Okay, number three, self-compassion after vulnerability. Because here's something many people don't realize. What happens after vulnerability matters just as much as the vulnerability itself. Because if you open up and then immediately turn on yourself, or you criticize it, or you analyze it, or you wish you hadn't said anything, your system takes that in too. It learns that wasn't safe. I didn't do it right. What's wrong with me? But when you can meet yourself differently with even a small amount of compassion, things shift. Research by Christian Neff shows that self-compassion, including things like being supportive towards yourself in moments of pain or struggle, is associated with greater emotional resilience and well-being. And what that means in your real life is this when you respond to yourself with kindness instead of criticism, you can create a different internal experience of that moment, one that feels more supportive, more grounded, more survivable. So instead of your system learning, don't ever do that again, it can begin to learn. Okay, that was hard, but look, I'm still okay. And as Daniel Siegel teaches, name it to tame it. And what that really means is when you can put your words to what you're feeling, you can begin to create a little bit of space between you and the experience. And this is that next one, naming it to tame it. So instead of being completely inside it, you're now aware of it. And that awareness alone can help to start to shift your nervous system patterns. So remember, courage doesn't always sound like a full expression. Remember, sometimes it sounds like I feel scared to say this, or part of me doesn't know how this is going to be received, or even I'm noticing I want to shut down right now. That is naming and that is vulnerability because you're not pretending you feel fine. You're not bypassing what's happening in your body. You are bringing gentle awareness to it and allowing yourself to be seen in that moment. Even if it's just for one small truth and one small moment, let's bring this into something you can actually use because this isn't just something to understand. It's also something to practice in these real moments. So when you notice yourself in that space where part of you wants to be seen and another part of you wants to pull back, you can walk yourself through it with the four ends. And you guys know by now the first is notice. Start by simply becoming aware of what's happening. And maybe it's I feel that urge to shut down, or I'm feeling a sense of rushing, or I'm trying to avoid this. Remember, you're not changing it yet. You're just noticing and bringing awareness to it. Number two is name that gentle way to put language to it. And it can be maybe it's a part of me learned this wasn't safe, or uh, I'm feeling some fear around being seen right now. This is where you bring that awareness to the experience instead of being fully inside it yet. And number three is nurture, where you meet yourself with compassion. And maybe it's something like, okay, this makes so much sense. Or of course, this feels hard. You're acknowledging that your response isn't random. It was learned. Maybe it's just giving yourself a hug. It's putting your feet in the grass outside, it's taking a minute to breathe. It's putting your hand on your heart. And it's just acknowledging look at me working through this. Look at what we're doing. And then four is navigate. And from that more nurtured, centered place, you choose your next best step. Remember, not big steps, not massive leaps. There's no perfect steps, just small ones. Ask yourself, what is one small step I can take right now? Maybe it's just saying one honest or true statement. Maybe it's asking for that pause. Maybe it's just staying present instead of shutting down. Because this is how courage is built. Remember, not all at once, but in small supported moments where your nervous system learns, I can actually do this. Look, I was able to say what I wanted to say, and I can still feel safe in my body. So remember, instead of thinking about courage as one big moment, I want you to think about it as something you build gently and gradually in a way that your nervous system can actually stay with it. This is what I call the courage ladder. Not jumping all the way to full vulnerability yet, but taking those small supported steps towards being seen. So maybe instead of asking, how do I be vulnerable? Maybe try sharing five to 10% of what you feel, which would just be a little bit more. Again, maybe it's just using one honest statement or sentence. Maybe it's trying to stay connected to your body after it doesn't have to be everything. It just has to be real. Some examples. Hey, I feel a little off today. Or that stayed with me longer than I expected. Isn't that interesting? Or I think something's coming up for me here. Remember, this is how you build capacity because what you're doing in these small moments is something much bigger than maybe it seems. You're not just sharing a feeling, you're teaching your nervous system that being seen doesn't have to come with the same cost that it once did. You are creating new experiences where your system gets to see there is another option here. And maybe you're getting to experience things that you never have before, such as reactions, responses. And this is where this work becomes generational again. And I want to leave you with this. What if the courage your grandmother needed was to survive? And the courage your parent needed was to hold it together? And what if the courage being asked of you now is to feel it? Like nobody else ever has before you? What if the courage now is being asked of you is to name it, to be seen, even in small ways. And remember, friends, this does not make you weak. It makes you the one in your lineage who is doing something different. And courage also doesn't have to be loud. Maybe sometimes it does. But maybe also sometimes it's a pause instead of a reaction. Maybe sometimes it's just that one honest statement instead of staying silent. And maybe sometimes it's staying when every part of you wants to disappear. Remember, every time you choose that, you are teaching your nervous system it's safe little by little to be seen. And that, my friends, feels like one of the most courageous things that we all can do. Just want you to know that I'm thinking about you. I think about you guys implementing this work. I think about the questions that you bring to me and the conversations. And I want you guys to know I really, really ponder those. So if you need anything, please reach out. I'm aligning with Liana on Instagram. And anything that's coming up for you or something that's sitting with you, I would love for you to share it. So make it a beautiful week. And until next time, bye guys.