36. When Connection Feels Safer Than Authenticity: Understanding the Appease Response

Why is it so hard to say no, disappoint someone, or put your own needs first?

In this episode of the NeuroHeir Podcast, we're continuing our exploration of the nervous system's survival responses by diving into the often-overlooked appease response—sometimes called the fawn response. While fight, flight, and freeze tend to be easier to recognize, appeasement is often praised and rewarded, making it one of the most difficult patterns to identify in ourselves.

Using beloved films like Runaway Bride, Barbie, and Encanto, Leanna explores what happens when the nervous system learns that staying connected feels safer than being authentic. You'll learn how people-pleasing, perfectionism, chronic caretaking, conflict avoidance, and self-abandonment can all be rooted in a nervous system strategy designed to protect connection and belonging.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• What the appease (fawn) response is and why it develops
• How people-pleasing and self-abandonment can become automatic survival strategies
• The connection between appeasement, attachment, and nervous system regulation
• Why appease is often the most socially rewarded survival response
• How these patterns can be passed down through generations
• The physical, emotional, and relational signs of chronic appeasement
• Somatic practices to rebuild self-trust and authentic self-connection
• How to stay connected to others without abandoning yourself

Whether you've always been the peacemaker, the helper, the overachiever, or the person everyone depends on, this episode offers a compassionate framework for understanding your patterns and beginning the journey back to yourself.

Because healing isn't about caring less—it’s about learning that connection doesn't have to cost you your voice, your truth, or your authenticity.

🌿 Somatic Tools For Appease

🌿 Tactile Anchoring

Cross your arms over your chest or place a hand on your heart and another on your stomach.

Appease energy often pulls awareness outward toward everyone else.
 This practice helps gently anchor you back into your own body and nervous system.

🌿 The Micro-Pause

Before automatically saying “yes,” practice pausing for 3 seconds.

Take one slow breath and ask yourself:

• What do I actually feel?
• What is my capacity right now?
• What do I genuinely want?

Small pauses help interrupt automatic people-pleasing patterns.

🌿 Orienting Inward Instead Of Outward

Notice what is happening inside your body before scanning everyone else.

Ask yourself:

• What emotions are here?
• What sensations am I noticing?
• Do I feel open, contracted, tense, tired, anxious, resentful, or overwhelmed?

Appease healing often involves reconnecting with your own internal cues.

🌿 Grounding Through The Feet
Push your feet firmly into the floor.

Notice the support underneath you and allow your posture to gently expand.

Appease patterns often physically shrink the body. Grounding helps create more stability, embodiment, and presence.

🌿 Boundary Breathwork

Take a slow inhale and imagine gathering your energy back toward yourself.

As you exhale, gently press your hands outward with a steady breath.

This can help the nervous system begin learning:
 “I am allowed to take up space too.”

🌿 Voice & Throat Work
Appease often lives in the throat, jaw, and voice.

Try:

• gentle humming
• jaw massage
• low vocal tones
• practicing small “no’s” in safe spaces
• saying: “Let me think about that.”

This helps rebuild nervous system safety around self-expression.

🌿 Noticing Preferences

Practice noticing what you actually like.

Food. Music. Rest. Pace. Activities. Boundaries.

Self-trust is often rebuilt through small moments of preference and choice.

(Yes… very Runaway Bride egg scene energy 😂)

🌿 Practicing Small No’s

Healing appease patterns does not require huge confrontations.

Start small:

• “I can’t tonight.”
• “I need some rest.”
• “That doesn’t work for me.”
• “I need a little time before I answer.”

The nervous system learns through repetition.

🌿 Mirror Work & Posture Expansion

Practice taking up physical space:

• standing taller
• relaxing the shoulders
• soft eye contact in the mirror
• allowing your body to remain open

Physical expansion can help support emotional expansion too.

🌿 Safe Anger & Emotional Expression

Many people in appease suppress anger for years.

Healing may involve gently reconnecting with:

• frustration
• disappointment
• truth
• boundaries
• honest emotion

Not explosive anger—authentic emotion.

🌿 Co-Regulation With Safe People

Appease healing often happens in safe relationships.

People who allow you to:

• have needs
• disagree
• say no
• be imperfect
• remain connected without self-abandonment

Sometimes the nervous system needs repeated experiences of:
 “I can be fully myself here and still be loved.”

🌿 Reflection Questions

• When do I notice myself prioritizing someone else’s comfort over my own needs?
• What happens in my body when someone is upset or disappointed with me?
• Where did I first learn that keeping the peace felt safer than expressing myself honestly?
• What emotions feel hardest for me to express in relationships?
• What preferences, needs, or desires have I disconnected from over time?
• What would it look like to stay connected to myself while still staying connected to others?
• What is one small boundary, honest response, or act of self-trust I can practice this week?
• What happens when I pause long enough to ask:
   “What do I actually want?”

💬 Have a Question You’d Like Answered on the Podcast?

If you have a question around the nervous system, healing relationships, or generational patterns, you’re invited to submit it anonymously using the link below.

There’s also an optional box you can check if you’d like to be considered for a short audio coaching conversation on a future episode.

👉 Submit your question

Connect with me:
Instagram → @aligningwithleanna

Website → leannahunt.com

Disclaimer:
Although I am a licensed Associate Clinical Mental Health Counselor, The NeuroHeir℠ Podcast is not a substitute for therapy, counseling, or medical treatment. The tools and practices I share are for educational and coaching purposes only. Every nervous system is unique, and what we discuss on this podcast should not replace your own individual therapeutic work or professional support.

The focus of this podcast is my coaching work, which centers on education, nervous system practices, and generational healing tools designed to support—not replace—your personal journey with a qualified provider.

If you are struggling with your mental health or experiencing overwhelming emotions, please seek support from a licensed professional in your area. You don’t have to do this work alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to the Nervo Air Podcast, the show for cycle breakers, parents, young adults, and helping professionals ready to understand their nervous system through a generational lens, heal what isn't theirs to carry, and consciously choose what comes next. Hi, I'm your host, Leanna Hunts, an associate clinical mental health counselor and certified performance coach. Each week you'll get stories, science, and somatic practices plus my signature for N framework. Notice, name, nurture, and navigate to help you honor resilience, break silence, and build deeper connection with yourself and those you love, all while shaping a legacy of safety, freedom, and possibility. Welcome back to the NeuroAir podcast. I'm so happy to be with you guys today. So I've talked about several different movies over the last several weeks. And so I figured I would continue the trend, talked about the movie Inside Out when I talked about Fight. We talked about The Devil Wears Prada for Flight. We talked about Frozen for the movie Freeze. And honestly, when I started thinking about appease, I couldn't even pick just one movie example, which is kind of funny because that is a very appease thing to do. Appease energy is often scanning for what will people like? What will keep connection? What will make everybody else happy? So I almost use Encanto because so many of the characters survive through roles, caretaking, and try not to disappoint the family. But then I thought about the movie Barbie that came out a few years ago because so much of that movie explores identity, approval, and trying to become what everyone else needs you to be. But honestly, one of my all-time favorite movies, and I kept coming back to it, is Runaway Bride. Runaway Bride is an all-time favorite because underneath the romance storyline with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, the movie is really about someone who learned to shape herself around other people. And Julia Roberts plays a character of Maggie, and there's that famous scene where Maggie realizes she doesn't even know how she likes her eggs. Because with every relationship she was in, she adapted herself to match the person she was with. Different eggs, different interests, different versions of herself. And that's what appeasement can look like too. And it's not always in big ways, sometimes it is, but it's often in a whole bunch of smaller ways, like over-accommodating, small ways of people pleasing, conflict avoidance. Sometimes it's saying yes when your body means no, becoming what others need becomes more important than what you need. And sometimes it's slowly losing connection with yourself over time because appease is also a survival response. And today we're going to talk about what happens when the nervous system learns that connection feels safer than authenticity. Or if I keep everyone else okay, maybe I will stay safe too. And the thing about appeasement is that it's often the most socially rewarded survival response. Because unlike fight, which can look like being too reactive or too angry, or freeze, which can look like complete disconnection, appeasement often gets praised. People may describe you as so kind, or maybe the person that is just always willing to drop everything to help everybody else, or maybe the one that is just so selfless or easygoing, or the peacemaker, or the dependable one, or the one everyone can count on no matter what. But internally, the nervous system may be organizing around one very deep question. How do I keep connection? Or maybe it's how do I avoid rejection? Or how do I make sure everyone else is okay? Because appease is relational survival. Fight says I'll protect myself through control. Some version of that. Flight says, I'll escape. Free says, I'll shut down. But appease says I'll keep everyone else happy. And that's how I stay safe. And this response over time can become incredibly automatic. Not because you are fake or manipulative, but because the nervous system learned to scan relationships for safety. And I think you've heard me say this before. We do not heal in isolation because we do not live in isolation. We are constantly in relationship to something else, to other people, and even to the past parts of ourself. So when we think about that, appeasement over time can start to look like more involved people pleasing, difficulty saying no, or immediately trying to smooth things over when tension shows up. Sometimes it looks like becoming hyper-aware of everyone else's emotions while barely noticing your own. It can be walking into a room and instantly sensing who's upset, who's uncomfortable, who needs something, and then automatically adjusting yourself around it. Maybe you become quieter around certain people. Maybe you notice that you become more agreeable or more helpful or more accommodating. Or maybe you laugh when you actually feel hurt or scared. Or maybe you say it's fine when your body deeply knows that it isn't. Maybe someone asks you where you want to eat or grab food, and your immediate response is whatever you want is fine. And honestly, sometimes that sounds small, but over time those moments can add up because eventually people can lose connection with their own preferences entirely, just like Julia Roberts, who played Maggie, as I said, in Runaway Bride. The egg scene is kind of funny, but honestly, it's really deeply sad because she became so used to adapting herself around relationships that she no longer knew what she genuinely liked for herself. And a piece can look like that too. Sometimes it might even be called shape shifting, depending on who you're around. Sometimes it can look like perfectionism, and I know that one all too well. Overfunctioning, chronic caretaking. Sometimes it's suppressing anger because any type of conflict resolution feels unsafe. Sometimes it's smiling while inside your system is feeling completely overwhelmed. And sometimes it can feel like prioritizing everyone else first while slowly disconnecting from yourself. And sometimes a piece becomes so practiced that people stop asking, what do I actually feel? Or what do I actually need? Or what do I even want? And begin asking, what will keep everyone else happy? What version of me will keep connection? Or what do I need to become so I stay safe here? And I know this one personally too. Like as I as I just said a minute ago about perfectionism, there were so many years where I felt physically uncomfortable disappointing people. Even when I knew my body was exhausted, and even when I knew I needed rest, and even when I knew I needed some healthy boundaries, because somewhere along the way, my nervous system learned keeping connection felt safer than risking conflict. And I think that the more I've talked to you, especially most of my conversations are with women, which doesn't mean that this is just for women, but I noticed this a lot in the women that I talk to have learned versions of this too. And just like the other survival responses we've been talking about the last few weeks, appeasement lives in the body too. And I want to pause here for a minute because if you look online, you might see this as the fourth F, bite, flight, freeze, and fawn. And I think I've said in past episodes that I like appeasement. That's Deb Dana's term. She is a therapist and has written all about Pollyvagel. You can look her up. I think appeasement to me is easier for my clients to relate to when I'm educating them and talking about it. And we kind of just think appease rhymes with people, please. So that's why I'm using the word appeasement instead of fawn in this episode. Okay, so let's go back to that. So appeasement again lives in the body too, just like our other survival responses, because the nervous system is constantly trying to read. Am I safe here? Is this person upset? Am I about to disappoint someone? Or do I need to fix this? And over time, that can create a body that feels chronically on edge. Can anyone relate to that? I know I can. Even when someone looks calm on the outside, because a peas is often a really interesting combination in the nervous system. There can still be that sympathetic activation underneath it with things like anxiety, alertness, hypervigilance, while at the same time the social engagement system is trying to maintain connection and keep everyone okay. So outwardly, this sometimes shows up as maybe the someone that's still really quote unquote happy all the time, smiling. You just see them as this helpful person. They, you're like, wow, they always say the right things. While internally, their body is working incredibly hard. And a lot of people I know and those that I have worked with know what this feels like. Sometimes it feels like that tightness in your chest when someone is upset with you. Or maybe that immediate stomach ache after disappointing someone. Or maybe you feel tension that rises in your body when you need to say no or set a boundary or express a different opinion, but that is not what comes out of your mouth. Sometimes people notice their muscles becoming rigid or shaky when conflict shows up, or they feel their nervous system instantly scanning the room, watching people's facial expressions, reading tone changes, trying to figure out are they okay? Did I do something wrong? Or do I need to fix this? And sometimes people in a peas become experts at reading everyone else while slowly losing connection with themselves because so much energy goes into monitoring others. It goes into adapting and maintaining connection at all costs. And over time, this can take a real toll on the body. There can be chronic exhaustion from overgiving. There might be symptoms of chronic tension. There might be digestive issues from ongoing stress activation. And there might be feelings of physical depletion from constantly carrying the weight of so many other people's emotions. And sometimes appease can even create moments of disconnection too. Sometimes it might look like zoning out during a conflict or emotionally leaving the room internally while still physically present. Sometimes it might be smiling while completely feeling overwhelmed underneath. Because often the body is suppressing authentic emotional reactions in order to maintain safety and attachment. And emotionally, a peace can carry so much underneath it too. There might be guilt. There might be this fear of rejection or conflict or disappointing people. Or maybe there is this shame around having your own needs and not knowing how to speak up for yourself. And maybe there's even a sense of loneliness while constantly being surrounded by other people. Sometimes there is even resentment quietly building underneath the kindness, too, because the nervous system has spent so long prioritizing everyone else that there's very little space left for the self. And this is important to remember because long-term appeasing is so exhausting, you guys, for the nervous system. Because eventually the body starts carrying the weight of chronic self-abandonment because it's always adapting, it's always monitoring, and it's always accommodating and trying to keep connections safe. And over time, many people stop asking, what do I need? Because the nervous system became became organized around what will keep everyone else okay. That makes sense. And that question, what will keep everyone else okay, is often at the core of appease responses because appease is deeply connected to attachment and relational survival, as I mentioned. The nervous system learns if I maintain connection, I stay safer. And yes, sometimes this does develop through very obvious attachment trauma. Sometimes it does develop through abuse or neglect or really painful childhood environments where conflict or unpredictability felt dangerous. But I also want to say something that's important here too, because appease responses do not only happen in families with attachment trauma. And that might surprise you. I see this all the time in people who deeply love their parents, who had parents trying their best, who genuinely came from caring homes. I believe that because I hear your stories, but because sometimes these patterns still develop in smaller, more normalized ways. You have parents with very positive intent who still parented through messages like do what I say, or because I said so, or don't talk back, or don't upset people, or keep the peace, or just make people proud. And sometimes we're environments where approval, love, or emotional connection felt available when you were easy, you were successful, you were agreeable, or you were helpful, or emotionally low maintenance. Does that make sense? So you you saw it and realized the best way to get emotional connection was when you showed up as successful or overly helpful or just did not need much. And over time, most of the time, these patterns showed up in our parents too, you guys, because it was what had been modeled for them. Many of them genuinely did not realize there were healthier ways. And so, again, over time, the nervous system starts organizing around what version of me keeps connections safe? Children become incredibly attuned to their caregivers. We can see this in psychology and research throughout time. We there's videos of children watching their face, their parents' facial expressions. Uh, we know listening for their tone changes in their voice, noticing their energy shifting, paying attention to body language. And as children, from a very, very early age, we learn to predict. Is mom upset? Is dad stressed? Do I need to be quiet here? Do I need to do more? Do I need to make things easier right now? And over time, sometimes that hyper attunement can become more automatic in the system. Some nervous systems learned I need to manage everyone else's emotions before I'm allowed to have my own. And this is part of why runaway bride works so well as an example. Because Maggie became so focused on maintaining connection that she slowly disconnected from herself. And again, we wouldn't look at her and say she's a weak person. She was really strong. She was talented. She tried a lot of different things. But because somewhere along the way, adaptation for her felt safer than her being herself. And it wasn't just her preferences she lost connection with. It was her own internal knowing, her own voice, her own needs, and her own sense of self. She became so externally organized around relationships that she kept becoming different versions of herself, depending on who she was with. And we see that in all the different relationships in the movie. And I think a lot of people in a peas response understand that feeling, that feeling of becoming what's needed, the feeling of smoothing everything over, the feeling of keeping everyone else comfortable and trying not to disappoint anyone. Again, while maybe slowly losing connection with yourself in the process. And what's interesting in the movie Runaway Bride is that Maggie literally keeps running at the altar, which honestly makes so much sense through a nervous system lens because eventually the body can only abandon itself for so long before something internally finally starts saying, This doesn't feel true. This doesn't feel like me. Even if the person can't fully explain it yet. I think healing from appease often looks like slowly rebuilding that connection back to self again. Learning what do I actually feel? What do I actually need? What do I actually like or want? And what feels true with me and for me, even if someone else may not fully like or agree with it. And we see this at the end of the movie with Maggie as she takes time before she goes back to Richard Gere, I can't remember his character's name at the moment, and she tries out all these things on her own before she goes back to him and realizes he is the one that she wants to be with all along. And appeasement patterns also show up really strong in people who have survived all forms of abuse, including emotional abuse, physical or sexual abuse, religious trauma, or very controlling environments. Because when conflict, rejection, or disapproval feels dangerous, the nervous system absolutely learns to adapt around maintaining safety through connection. And we can also see this culturally too. We can see this in environments where pleasing others was rewarded or obedience was praised, or self-sacrifice was idealized, or where people were taught that their worth came from taking care of everyone else first. And we see this throughout time, especially for women. And again, I want to say this too: appeasement, I don't believe it's a form of manipulation, but it is protection. It is the nervous system trying to reduce conflict, to maintain attachment, to stay emotionally safe inside relationships. And many people don't even realize how much of their identity became organized around keeping connection stable until one day they finally start to ask, as I mentioned before, what do I actually want? And they don't even know it yet. And I think this is probably the survival response I've had to become the most aware of in my life because I think when I first learned nervous system language, I really started understanding fight or flight. Freeze was kind of that next one. And then appeasement was one I've really had to sit with as I've started to dive into my own patterns, to my own childhood and life to realize how much of it actually showed up. Growing up, I really struggled with people being upset with me. And I can see that now, whether it was my parents, my friends, whether it was intimate relationships, or even later in professional settings, if someone was mad at me, my nervous system immediately would move towards some version of how do I make this better? How do I make sure they're okay? And how do I fix this? Even if internally I felt like I was the one that was hurt. I remember saying things growing up like to my friends, I will do whatever so that you're not mad at me anymore. And looking back now, that is such appease energy because what I really meant was let me bypass whatever I'm feeling, whatever my experience is to make sure your needs get met first. Sorry, just as I say that, it just brings up a lot of emotion because again, as I was like, I don't really connect to appease. And then as I've thought about it and I've really been contemplating about it and worked with it, I started to see these patterns of where that was so common for me, where I was just like, okay, it doesn't matter in this moment. Whatever I feel, I'm not gonna allow myself to feel it. I just want to make sure that your needs get met first. And I became so practiced at doing that that I barely even noticed that I was abandoning myself while it was happening. I don't know what I thought throughout all the things, but as I've thought about different times in my life that some of my thoughts maybe were, okay, so maybe this is how love works, or this is what being good looks like, or this is what keeps relationships safe. And this showed up so strongly after I got married too with David. I would over-explain things, I would over-process, I would try to smooth things over and prioritize everyone else's comfort before my own. And honestly, so much of my chronic health struggles throughout my 30s were connected to this pattern of self-abandonment, where I was overriding my own body, my own needs, my own exhaustion. And the hard part is a peace.

SPEAKER_00 20:42

A peace can look so loving from the outside because it is helpful. We look at that person and we think again, they are just so giving and they are supportive and they're willing to give me the shirt off their back. But internally, for this person, it can be that their nervous system is caring so much, including anxiety, suppression, and disconnecting from the self underneath it.

SPEAKER_01 21:07

And I still notice this pattern show up sometimes when people are upset with me. You guys, it's not like these patterns just disappear, but one of the biggest shifts for me started happening when I began learning more deeply about alignment, about body awareness, and about nervous system work, especially when I started studying and training under Dr. Karen Parker and learning about quantum human design. And there's an earlier episode, I don't remember which one, but with Karen where we talk more about human design. If you guys want to go back and read that or listen to that. And for anyone unfamiliar, quantum human design is a system adapted by Dr. Parker that blends several ancient systems, including astrology, the Chinese Aiching, and the Hindu chakra system, along with modern concepts around energy and quantum theory. And while everyone has different beliefs around it, for me, it became a super powerful tool for self awareness and understanding. How I naturally make aligned decisions, how I process energy and how my unique energy helps, like what the more I know about that, how that helps me reconnect with my authentic self. But one thing that really impacted me was learning that my human design as an emotional generator, which basically means I'm meant to feel into alignment through my emotional and my gut responses over time, that as I learned about that, I realized I did not know how to do that yet. I did not know how to check in internally to see if something felt good or not, or to see if I should make that decision or not. Because so much of my life had been organized around what does everybody else need, what keeps everyone else comfortable, what will make everyone else happy. And I had spent years disconnected from my own internal compass. And you guys, we all have an internal compass. Every single one of you listening, even if you feel like you're like, I don't know what that is, I don't know how to access that. I want you to know that we all have one and it just works a little bit differently. So because I had I didn't know what my internal compass was, no wonder by my late 30s, I was finally able to say, my body is exhausted. I had had all these chronic patterns. And it was really because I didn't know how to trust myself internally yet. And the last several years of healing for me have been about slowly relearning that. I have been relearning what feels true for me, what feels aligned for me, what my body is actually saying to me. Because you guys, our bodies are talking to us all the time. And I've been learning how to stay connected to myself, even when someone else may not fully like it, may not understand it, or agree with it. And if you guys are interested in your own human design chart, you can Google quantum human design and go to Karen's website and find a free human design chart. There are so many people that read, we'll give you a human design session based on your chart. And I'm not currently doing those now, but if you need somebody, please reach out and I will connect you with somebody so that you can learn more about your internal compass. Okay. And just like the other survival responses, too, that we've talked about, a peas can also be deeply generational. Maybe you're already thinking about that because there were many environments throughout history where survival depended on keeping the peace, on staying agreeable, and on not disrupting the system. Also, I want you to take a minute and think about women over the last, I don't know, one to 200 years, especially. Generations of women who were taught to be polite, to be accommodating, to be helpful, to not challenge authority, to say yes and to keep the family together no matter what. Women who often survived through compliance because they had very little financial, social, or physical power available to them. Maybe you can think about women in your family and what that was maybe like for them through different periods of time. There were generations where speaking up could cost women safety, could cost them reputation, community, their family, or even survival itself. And if we zoom out historically for a minute, we can see how deeply some of these appease patterns became conditioned in entire generations. Even let's take a minute and look at the Salem Witch trials. Many of the women targeted were often women who disrupted traditional expectations in some way. Maybe they were independent women or widows managing property on their own or women carrying influence outside traditional male authority structures. There were there were healers and midwives with knowledge around herbs, around the body, around birth, and around self-care. And there were women who started to show up differently, who made themselves more visible. They were powerful in ways that society did not fully know how to control. And even women who were emotionally expressive, social outsiders, or lacked male protection became easier targets when fear and panic spread through communities. And in a deeply patriarchal environment, that kind of difference could become threatening. And it did. And so across generations, many nervous systems learned, as we've said, to stay agreeable, to stay compliant, to not be too loud or to be emotional and not to be too powerful or to challenge authority or draw attention to yourself. Because we learned over time what this cost. And oftentimes for many women, it was their lives. And we've seen throughout history what happens when people fully express themselves, when they try to stand up, when they try to create change and make a difference. And I think that still shows up today if we think about women in particular, women still being labeled maybe as too emotional or intense or demanding, or for expressing the same assertiveness that's often maybe normalized in men. And we can see this culturally and relationally too, in environments where pleasing others was rewarded and obedience was praised, or maybe self-sacrifice was idealized, or where people were taught that their worth came from taking care of everybody else. And I think too, many children growing up in volatile homes learned very quickly how to become emotional caretakers. And maybe you resonate with that role where you had to read the room and manage tension and had to try to prevent conflict before it happened. And some children growing up became the quote unquote the good child or the helper or the peacemaker or the overachiever. And not because they were, again, trying to be that, but because the nervous system learned over time if everyone else is okay, then maybe I can be okay too. And for families surviving things like war and poverty and migration and religious suppression or generational hardships often relied heavily on duty, on sacrifice, and emotional suppression just to survive. There was not always space for individual needs, if you think about that. There was not always space for emotional expression or for nervous system awareness. So throughout time, and like my ancestors and probably many of yours, they just learned to keep going to be grateful, to not burden others, and to take care of everyone else first. And over time, those relational survival patterns can get passed down too, not only through words, but through modeling, through family dynamics, through family expectations, and again, through nervous system conditioning. And some nervous systems learn that being agreeable felt safer than being authentic. And this is important too. Understanding this is not about blaming history or culture or religion. And maybe in your family, maybe you want to blame something about history, and that's okay too. And this is not also about blaming families from my perspective. But for me and what I'm sharing with you today, it is about recognizing how survival patterns got shaped over time and how healing sometimes looks like slowly learning I can stay connected without abandoning myself. And if you've listened to this series, you've probably noticed too that I keep coming back to the same question over and over. Instead of asking what's wrong with me, we can begin asking, what is this pattern trying to do for me? Because this question can change the entire relationship we have with our patterns. And appease is often trying to do something really, really important for the nervous system. I believe appeasement is trying and has been trying to preserve connection. It is trying to avoid abandonment, to reduce conflict, to maintain a sense of belonging and to stay emotionally safe inside relationships. Because for many people, connection became linked to survival. And this makes sense to me because we need our communities, we need connection to stay alive. And if, especially if someone in your family or you learned along the way that your nervous system learned disconnection feels dangerous, rejection feels unsafe, or conflict feels emotionally overwhelming. This is why a peace can feel so automatic. Because the body is not consciously thinking, I'm going to abandon myself now. It's not thinking that on the outside or the inside. Or maybe they have learned or are starting to see when they see these appeasement cycles and say things like, I'm just too sensitive, or I care too much what people think, or I need too much reassurance, or why is it so hard for me to disappoint people? But when we can slow it down and start to understand appease through a nervous system lens, we can begin realizing that this does not mean we are weak. This is how we have adapted. Because I do not believe appeasement is weakness. I believe it is a survival strategy, again, organized around connection. And this awareness to me matters a lot because we cannot gently work with the patterns that we only criticize, that we only judge, or we only shame. I truly believe healing starts when we begin meeting these responses with curiosity instead. It's not what's wrong with me, but it can be some self-reflection of what did my nervous system learn about safety, about connection, about belonging. And this part is important too, because people in a peas responses often become incredibly skilled at reading everyone else while losing connection with themselves. And they may know what everyone else needs, what everyone else feels, what everyone else wants, while struggling to identify their own needs and their own emotions and their own limits. And so that's why this is so important. So that as we slow it down and become aware, we can start to see why healing appease patterns can feel uncomfortable at first. And for many of us, self-connection wasn't something that was modeled or felt safe. So even small things can activate the nervous system, things like saying no, or knowing that you disappoint someone while maintaining a boundary, or even expressing a different opinion, or feeling like you are taking up space, or starting out with the setting a new healthy boundary. Choosing yourself can feel uncomfortable. And sometimes it's because those emotions like guilt or anxiety come up in the body. And so as we start to work with appeas, we can start to shift that. We can start to shift away from prioritizing connection over authenticity, which is why healing often requires slowing down enough to actually notice yourself again. So that you can start to notice your body's signals, to notice your exhaustion, and to start to notice your body saying, that doesn't feel right, or that feels like too much, or I actually don't want to do that. And so healing sometimes has to be small so that the nervous system feels safe enough to start practicing. It can be tiny pauses before automatically saying yes. It can be starting to practice checking in with your body before responding, practicing smaller boundaries first, just starting to tolerate the discomfort that comes from prioritizing your wellness. It can come from learning that conflict does not automatically equal abandonment. And over time, the nervous system can slowly begin learning something new. It can begin learning I can stay connected without abandoning myself. And this may be one of the deepest forms of nervous system healing that there is. And this is where the four ends can become really supportive with appeasement patterns. Not because we're trying to fix something, but as a way to slowly reconnect with yourself again. Because appeasement, as I've said, often pulls the attention, attention outward towards everyone else's needs and their emotions. And the four ends can help gently bring awareness back inward. So the first is notice what happens in my body when someone is upset with me? Or what happens when I think I disappointed someone? Do I notice tension? Do I notice conflict? Do I notice disapproval in other people? Do I immediately want to fix it? Or do I immediately want to make myself small? Do I find myself ignoring what I actually feel? Do I feel anxious or frozen or panicked? We just want to start noticing these things in our body with notice. The second is name. We begin naming what's happening with compassion instead of shame. Maybe for you, it's a part of me feels unsafe disappointing people. Or a part of me learned connection had to be protected. Or maybe it's a part of me is afraid conflict could lead to rejection. And sometimes just naming the response helps bring a little more awareness and regulation online. Because now we're no longer completely inside the patterns. We are beginning to witness it. And the third is nurture. And this part matters so deeply to me because this is what I had to spend so much time practicing because appease responses often carry so much self-judgment. And so this is where we start to shift that away from things like, why is this so hard for me? Or I shouldn't care for so much. And instead, we begin offering the nervous system other things like this pattern developed for a reason. Or my nervous system learned this response to stay safe. Or it makes sense that this feels really uncomfortable. Sometimes nurturing yourself in appease means allowing your own needs, your feelings, or your limits to matter too. And maybe this is going to be the first time you've ever done that, or the first time in a long time. And then the fourth step is navigate. We gently begin practicing something new. And again, with appease, we want to start small. So we want to slowly start helping the body experience connection without self-abandonment. And maybe this looks like pausing a little bit longer before immediately saying yes. Maybe it's taking a slow breath before responding or feeling the need to overapologize. It's starting to check in with your body before agreeing to something and asking yourself, does this feel aligned to me? It's practicing small, honest responses. It's letting yourself have choice and have preference. It's letting someone be mildly disappointed without immediately feeling the need to fix it. And I know that this can feel incredibly vulnerable at first. Because for many nervous systems, authenticity once felt less safe than adaptation. But over time, as I've said, the body slowly begins learning. I can stay connected while still staying connected to myself too. And I have a list of somatic tools for appease, as I've listed with all the other states. And so if you guys need those tools at any time, make sure to go to the snow show notes of the other episodes and you will see all of those. And some of these tools for appease might feel really new, some might be familiar because appease is not usually about too much intensity outwardly. It's often about that disconnection from self. And so many of these tools focus on boundaries and um and embodiment and reconnecting inward. They focus on grounding identity and helping the nervous system learn that authenticity and you being you and you putting yourself first can be safe too. And appease healing often begins with learning my needs matter too. So the first tool I have for you today is called tactile anchoring. And it's pretty simple. Just cross your arms over your chest, place a hand on your heart, and another on your stomach, because appease energy often pulls awareness completely outward. So maybe you like the arms over your chest more, or maybe you want to put a hand on your heart and somewhere else on your stomach or your legs. And this is just helping you connect to your body again, almost like reminding your nervous system I am here too, and I matter. Then the next is called the micropause. Appease responses are often incredibly automatic. And so we want to start taking little pauses to slow down, just asking for a few seconds, like three seconds, one breath, one moment before responding. And during a pause before a response, just ask yourself, what do I actually feel here? Or where is my capacity? Or what do I genuinely want? And that tiny pause can be incredibly regulating over time. Now, some of my clients that I've worked with for a long time have gotten so good at the micro pause that those micro pauses have gotten bigger. And they have learned that they need 24 hours sometimes to make a bigger decision. And so they'll use their words and say, thank you so much for asking me to do that. I'm going to get back to you by tomorrow to make sure that that's something I have the capacity for. And it is so beautiful to watch how these small micro pauses improve and increase capacity over time. Okay, the next is orienting inward instead of outward. Appease patterns often scan everyone else first. So this practice helps shift awareness inward. And it kind of goes back with notice. What is happening in my body right now? Noticing that. Does that tightness feel familiar? Is there another sensation that you're like, oh, I have felt this before? Do you feel more activated or do you feel more open? Because many people, again, in a peas, learn to read everyone else before reading themselves. So as you notice yourself first inward, that then helps you be able to establish what you need to say outward. Okay, another favorite is grounding through your feet. So just think about pushing your feet firmly into the floor. Feel the support beneath you. Notice your posture. A piece energy often physically shrinks the body. And sometimes there's collapsed posture, collapsed chest, just trying to be smaller instead of standing up nice and tall. So grounding through the legs and feet can help the nervous system feel more anchored and supported inside the body. You can do this on the carpet, any other surface. Also, invite you to get outside with dirt or sand or grass and try grounding with different ground surfaces and see what you notice in your body. The next is called boundary breath work. Just invite you to take a slow inhale. And imagine gathering your energy back towards yourself. And as you exhale, gently press your hands outward, like push them out in front of you, almost like you're creating space around your body. This can help your nervous system begin to feel that I'm allowed to take up space too. Another favorite for appeasement is voice and throat work. Because appease often lives in the throat and in the jaw and the voice. Because some so many people learned to not say what they feel or to talk quieter. So just things like gentle humming, jaw massage, where you're just gently have your hands on each side of your face and just gently massaging your jaw and opening and closing your mouth really, really slowly. Also, you can practice saying no in safe places, or even saying no in front of a mirror to yourself. All of these things can help rebuild nervous system safety around using your voice. And sometimes the first boundary might simply be saying to somebody else, let me think about that and I'll get back to you. Another one is noticing preferences. This one sounds small, but it's huge for a peace healing. Like what kind of food do you actually like? What music? What pace to things? What rest feels supportive? Not what Instagram tells you you should need or your friends or the books you've read, but what type of rest feels supportive for you? Are there things that you realize you want in your life that you haven't even allowed yourself to think about? Because for many people, self-trust gets rebuilt through very small moments of preference and choice. And this is why the egg scene in Runaway Bride, I feel like is so important because healing sometimes starts with relearning what you actually like. Just like Maggie having to choose which way she likes her eggs. Another one is practicing small nos. And we talked about practicing small nos to yourself, but these would be in small ways to other people, such as nope, I can't tonight. I'm so sorry. Or I actually need rest, or that's not going to work for me tonight, maybe another time. Or I'm wondering if you could give me a five, five minutes before I get back to you. And like some of my clients now in the bigger nos or the pauses, it's coming back and assessing 24 hours later as they've allowed themselves to sit with their energy. So I want you to think about that. What would that be like to say no? And another one is mirror work and posture expansion. So a pease often physically minimizes the body, as we talked about, where that posture becomes really collapsed and small. So even small posture shifts can matter to you, like standing taller, relaxing your shoulders, but having them upright, even making eye contact with yourself in the mirror and practicing eye contact with other people. Also practicing taking up space physically can help slowly help the nervous system tolerate taking up space emotionally too. Another favorite is safe anger and emotional expression. Because many people I've worked with, I you start to see that there is suppression of other emotions like anger underneath. Because the anger probably once felt unsafe or selfish or threatening. So healing may also include gently reconnecting with emotions that were never allowed space before, but honest emotions, those that you felt have you've been holding in. Some clients with anger suppression will start with the silent yell. I think I've mentioned this one before. You can go to my Instagram aligning with Liana and watch me do that because sometimes we don't feel ready to yell out loud to use our voice that way. Sometimes it's yelling in a pillow. Some of my clients love to drive their cart by the canyon, sit by the river, and let it all out. Okay. And another really favorite, a really cool one is co-regulation with safe people. Because we know appeasement and all other states heal inside safe relationships too. So people who allow you to have needs to say no, to disagree, to take up space, those people you will notice if you already think about somebody like that that comes to mind. You will just even notice what happens in your body when you think about how safe you feel to be with them. So even being around, intentionally spending more time around people that your system feels safe around. And this can often be some people don't realize we can often co-regulate with our pets too, which is really powerful. I believe we can co-regulate with nature, right? Getting outside, being by the mountains or the ocean or a lake or a river, you'll notice that the supporting nature elements can help your nervous system feel safe. So some of these things you might want to start practicing in places that feel safer for you. And before we close, I want to offer you a few reflection questions to sit with this week. And as always, these questions and the somatic tools from today's episode will be included in the show notes for you to come back to anytime. So the first one, when do I notice myself prioritizing someone else's comfort over my own needs? What happens in my body when someone is upset or disappointed with me? Where did I first learn that keeping the peace felt safer than expressing myself honestly? What emotions feel hardest for me to express in relationships? What preferences, needs, or desires have I disconnected from over time? What would it look like to stay connected to myself while staying connected to others at the same time? And another really powerful one, what is one small boundary? The honest response or act of self-trust that I can practice this next week. And the last one, what happens when I pause long enough to ask, what do I actually want? I want to leave you with this, my friends. Your kindness is not the problem. Your tenderness is not the problem. Your ability to care deeply about people is not the problem. The problem is when your nervous system learned that love, connection, or belonging required you to disappear inside yourself. Because eventually chronic self-abandonment becomes exhausting for the body. And I think so many people know what this feels like. And maybe you are just connecting with this today for the first time, or maybe it's something you've actually been thinking about for a while. Maybe you realize you've said yes too many times when your body was trying to tell you no. Maybe you realize that you keep showing up for everyone else while quietly disconnecting from yourself. And remember too that healing is not about becoming less loving. It is not about becoming more hard or callous or emotionally unavailable, but it is about learning that connection does not have to cost you your voice, your truth, your energy, your body, and your authenticity. And I think that's what we see at the end of all these movies, too. We see that in Runaway Bride, Maggie finally becomes reconnected with herself. And she does that first before forcing herself into another relationship, but she begins learning who she really is. She begins seeing what she likes, what she feels, what feels true for her. In the movie Barbie, there's this deeper realization that worth cannot come only from performance or from approval or from being what everyone else expects. And in the movie Encanto, the family slowly begins healing when love is no longer tied only to family roles, to doing things a certain way, or what everyone can do for each other. And I think that that is so beautiful because that's what nervous system healing looks like too. It is not becoming selfish. I want you guys to make sure you hear me say that. I do not believe that, but it is slowly learning and being able to think to yourself and be able to say, I matter too. My nervous system matters too. My feelings matter too. My body matters, my truth matters. And maybe part of generational healing is realizing that many of the people before us survived by staying quiet, staying agreeable, staying helpful. But we also come from generations of incredibly powerful people too. And if you're a woman, I want you to think about how many women you know in your family who did speak up, who did lead, or if they're not in your family, women in society and throughout time who have healed, who have created change, who have kept families alive through impossible circumstances. There are women all over the world who have broken barriers, who have challenged systems, who continue to use their voice and slowly have helped reshape what future generations believe is possible. We have come so far from the days where women's power, where their wisdom or independence automatically had to be feared. There are still places we are healing, though. There are still systems that we are entangling and still nervous systems learning that visibility and authenticity can be safe. But every time that someone chooses honesty over self-abandonment, anytime that any one of us chooses boundaries over burnout or authenticity over performance or self-trust over constant appeasement, I truly believe that that healing ripples forward and into relationships and into families and into future generations. And maybe healing from appease is not learning how to care less. Maybe it's finally learning how to stay connected to yourself while caring for others. And that is a very different kind of freedom. So thank you so much for being here through this series. It has been a pleasure. I would love for you to share what you've been learning about yourself through fight, flight, freeze, and appeasement. And let's continue those conversations. Please reach out to me on aligning with Liana on Instagram and share with me. And I would love for you to send this episode to someone today that you know has worked so hard or is working hard to care for others and remind them that it is also okay for them to care for themselves. Make it a beautiful rest of your week. Until next time. Bye guys. Thanks for joining me on the NeuroAir podcast. This work is about honoring resilience in yourself and also those who came before you, all while finding freedom from what was never yours to carry. With the help of stories, science, somatic tools, and the four ends notice, name, nurture, and navigate, you have a path toward deeper connection with yourself, your loved ones, and the legacy you want to pass on. If today's episode spoke to you, share it with someone who is ready to step into this work too and follow the show so you never miss an episode. Remember, you may not have chosen what you inherited, but you can choose what comes next.