Gay Math: The 5 Minute Lie

This episode is a complete fever dream. We tried to talk about Gay Math—the social logic of time, dating, and "just one drink", and ended up on about fifty different tangents that had nothing to do with anything. John and Dakota are spiralling through why gay time isn’t real time, the math of "ex-boyfriend proximity," and why we’re both completely exhausted by our own brains. It’s messy, it’s loud, and we definitely lost the plot five minutes in. Grab a drink and try to keep up.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to House. Welcome back to House Tour. My name is John. I'm Dakota. And today we are breaking down gay math. The ridiculous calculations of queer life. Girl math, but for gays. That's it. From drinks required to text your ex to how long it takes a grinder conversation to become emotionally devastating. I am so excited for A. Alright, let's do it. Let's jump right in. Let's start with the real questions. Why do gays say they're leaving the bar in five minutes and then an hour and a half later they're still there? Okay, if you ask my boyfriend who you sometimes picks me up from the bar, this is very classic V. I will tell him a time, and then I'm pushing it back every five minutes. Like, oh no, I just want another 20 minutes or another hour. And he's waiting outside? No, he waits to leave. Okay. But he like, sometimes we have to agree upon a time while I'm sober before I go. And like he's like, no, I'm not changing that time no matter how many times you text me. Because when I get out with my friends to Tony's to Tony's, which is cool. Wild. And getting a couple beers. Beers at Tony's. Bro. No. I you didn't like that one? I just like beers at Tony's. Like, we're talking about being gay. This is not. Sorry. Like you're straightening yourself up. Okay. Vodka crayons at Trappers. Okay, now you're 21. More like 17. I'm dead. Anyways, yeah, I don't know. I think it's just like once once the drinks get flowing, once you're out having fun, I just want to stay longer. Well, and also, like, there's a big thing of like the saying goodbye, like the like going around and saying your goodbyes. Like if you're if you are committing to saying goodbye to all your friends and all the if you go to Pablo's, you've made 12 new friends that night. If you want to do the whole goodbye circuit, that's not five minutes. Here's the thing. Here's where we differ. I do not do a goodbye circuit. I am an Irish goodbye fella. But that doesn't sound like but how are you an Irish goodbye if you're taking 20 more minutes, 20 more minutes? Like because I'm not even telling my friends that I'm leaving soon. I'm like, you guys want to grab another shot before we go?

unknown 2:03

My God.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

And then all of a sudden I'm just gone. I don't always like an Irish goodbye. I mean, I sorry. I don't always like a goodbye circuit either. But I'm like, if I want to leave a place, I can be out of there in 30 seconds. Like, ask Ultraviolet. There have been multiple times when we have been drinking downtown Guelph. And one time there was a person that I do not did not care to uh um spend any more time with who then was trying to get me to let her sleep on my couch. Oh no, who was it? You can leave that in. And okay. So she would we're at the bar, she's like, Can I please sleep on your couch? And I'm like, I don't know you like that. You're not sleeping on my couch. Yep. So you know what I'm like? I will avoid conversation if possible. Yes. I just got an Uber and headed home. I just noticed you're wearing Crocs. Sorry, go ahead. It's spring. It's yeah, you're right. It actually is worn in the middle. And these are now like I do need to get a new pair. I need 2026 Crocs. What's the little emblem there? Um, so I found it and it looks like Glinda's. Okay. Sorry. I also just got Guelph Storm um Croc Tarn, so I have to put those on. Oh, I see you're wearing a Guelph. Okay. I was at the game last night right behind the bench. Not sleeping on my couch. Not sleeping on your couch. So she's like, Can I sleep on your couch? And I'm like, that's bold. Yeah. I will like there are there's genuinely one person that I would be like, can I crash on your couch? And it's my mom. Yep. Like I would just never be so bold. Like I would say, like, oh, we're we're drinking if someone offers, yeah, would you like to sleep in my guest room? Sure. I'm never going to be like, can I sleep at your house? Correct. Ever. So no. So she's like, Can I sleep on your house? Like, I drank too much. I'm like, that sounds like a you problem, babe. Like, I also what was her plan beforehand? I think that was her plan.

SPEAKER_01 3:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:49

So she parked in my driveway. So I'm like, she needed to come home to my house. So then she leaves. I leave the bar. I text Violet. I'm like, I left, sorry. Your problem now. And then all of a sudden, half an hour Ubered to my house and is now ringing my doorbell. Can I come in? And I bitch, I just ignored it. You just left her. What ended up happening? She slept in our car. No. I'm not you're not coming in my house. Gag. Okay. Neither do I. Girl meth. Girl meth. Do not. Wait, do we we haven't oh yeah, so we did we did start the episode. Yeah, we did. We just got on tandem. Yeah. Why does one drink at home equal four drinks at the bar? I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means either. One drink at home, like you you feel one drink at home? I don't know what that makes sense. I don't uh that doesn't make sense. Because one drink to me feels like one drink. Okay. I do think that I feel alcohol more when I'm at home. Fair because I'm distracted by dancing and doing things with my friends out. Fair. And also like I'd love to see you dancing. That would be fun for me. You never see Tony's. Yeah. Okay, Tony's is not a dancing. That's where I'm like killing people at pool. Okay, but where do you dance? State of Maine? Yeah. You go to two places. So you state of Maine and Tony's. So where's the dancing? That's not true. I was at Envy a couple of weekends ago. I always forget that you're still kind of young. Because like I can't go to Envy. Envy is totally you could go to Envy. Envy is not what you think it is. Really? Yeah. You could go to Envy. Is Envy like Pablos? Yep. I love Pablos. I love Envy. It's like a chill. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Envy's chill. It's not an idea. Well, maybe if you ever invite me out with you, I'll go.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Alright.

SPEAKER_00 5:24

I mean, I invited you on Saturday and you said no. When? I'm just kidding. You invited me on Saturday. Yeah, exactly, Mitch. Like I our text thread is full of you saying no thanks when I invite you places. Because I'm a busy guy. You were in your bed all day yesterday. It was my only day off this week. And I needed to relax. Fine. The storm lost anyway. It's disappointing. Who did you go with? Do you want to hear something depressing? It was just all so you you never agreed to go with me, so you're fine. But Anne and Violet were both supposed to come with me. You went by yourself. I went by myself. Jonathan, that's crazy behavior. Why did they bail? Anne bailed because she's a bailer. She's a bailer. I'm a bailer. And Violet was at a baby shower and then it went late, and I think she got drunk. Okay. Okay, what is the most incorrect gate calculation you've ever made? Like, for example, I can totally do just one drink tonight. Or I'm not drinking tonight, or okay, this I feel like this doesn't apply to either of us. This situation ship will just be casual. I've never been in a situation ship. I don't think well. Okay, I have. I have when I was 19. In 2017, I was in a situation ship. Yeah. Oh no, I definitely thought it was casual and then caught feelings. See, I was always the opposite. I would go on two dates and fall in love. Like, I would be like, I love like not love, but I'm like, oh, we're dating now. And like looking back, like they were obviously like seeing multiple people. Here's the issue. Back then, I strictly dated straight men. So it was always a situation ship. And I always thought I could be casual about it, and I never could. And here we are. Yeah, see, I've never dated a straight man. Well, you're kind of married to one. A straight man? My husband is a drag queen. It's like the opposite. Shut up, Mark. Um, okay, so I'm gonna present you with ridiculous equations and we're gonna debate if they're accurate. Fair. Okay, confidence equation. Two vodkasodas plus one Lady Gaga song equals texting your ex. And this is hypothetical. Not that you would do it. No, but like generally. No. Not Lady Gaga. What Lady Gaga song is making you text your ex? Fair. Except for that one that's like What song is making you text your ex? Um Dancing on My Own? Robin? Yeah, or like some of that Ellie Golding songs. Not that one, but like I I can't. Love me like you do is the one. Love me like you do. La la love me like Oh. I'd be tech if I had like oh I've been married for a long time. Six minutes. Six minutes. Um no, I also would need more than two vodka sodas as well. Oh yeah. This is the real equation. This is like that's that equation is for like a 19-year-old twink with 0% body fat. Right. For me, it's 10 vodka sodas. Yep. I was gonna say seven, but and the Diana the musical soundtrack. And just any, yeah. Yeah. Okay, this one I feel attacked. I love it. But the Dreg Show timing formula. Doors at 8, show at 9, actual show start 9.47. True or false? I don't think this is true for me. I think I'll say what I think and then you say what you think. Yeah, fair. I think for me it's more like doors at 8, show at 9, actual show start, like 9.20. Yeah, okay. So we used to get really okay, we hate being anywhere late. So we used to get really anxious if we were running behind coming to dollhouse shows. And now you don't. And now I'm like, if it starts at 9, we could be there by 9.15 earliest. Okay, but so that's not 9.47. No, but I think that sometimes it does. Or like sometimes you'll be like, okay, let's take a five minute break. Everyone go get another drink, and then 45 minutes have gone by. Oh, the break 100%.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:20

I don't know about 45 minutes, but definitely like half an hour for sure. Well, I don't know. I've been outside when we're smoking and some time has gone by, and then I'm like, oh yeah, we should probably get it. Has it started? No. Like, especially with Guelph's next jack superstar. I remember a couple times we would go out for a break, and then all of a sudden we were yappy, and I was like, it's been 20 minutes. Yeah, oh yeah, we were yappers. So there's this tick- No, I'm kidding. Um Okay, the grind, not that you would know because you are um not a grinder gay. And were you ever a grinder? Oh, you you have been in the past a grinder gay. Yeah, I I have had a grinder account in my life. I've explored the grinder. I wouldn't consider myself to be an expert. Okay, well, let's I'll say this is apparently the grinder timeline. Okay. Hey, two minutes go by. What are you into? Five minutes go by. Ghosted. Is that yeah, that's that seems like it's a good idea. But like in this scenario, it's like, is the same guy asking both questions? Because that's not being ghosted. You have to like it has to respond to being ghosted. It has to be a two-sided conversation to be ghosted. For me, it's like the the really embarrassing one is like, hey, hey, what's up? Like, oh you're cute, blah blah blah blah. Send more picks, then you send blocked. Mama! I honestly think that if that happened to me, I would never send anyone a photo again, and I would probably end my life shortly thereafter. So that happens on like to normal grinder people, that happens like once a day. I would not say that there's anything considered to be a normal grinder person. That's true. Sometimes I do miss it. It's chaos. Um, okay. The gay bar line formula. One bathroom stall times 30 drunk gays in a line equals a 25 minute wait. I don't know what like I would say even longer because gays go to the bathroom for like five minutes each. Because you're what now? Because you're chatting. Oh, chatting. Yes, yes, not what I thought you said. I didn't know what you said. Did you think I said frauding? I have heard that term. You don't know what fraudding is? I don't know what it is. So you haven't watched Heat of Rivalry. I have watched Heated Rivalry. Do they fraud in it? That one scene where they're like one straddling one on the couch and they're rubbing their. That's what frauding is. Got it.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:33

Um okay, moving on. The situation ship calculator. This is the math of queer dating. Both of us have a ton of experience having been in long-term relationships with queer dating. For seven years. Well, let's see. Yeah. Well, I've been dating uh Mark since 2017. So I've actually been um April is our nine-year anniversary of the card. Oh my god, you're close to a decade next year. That's crazy. And that's like when we April, April 2017 is when we officially became a couple. Like we had been like seeing each other before that. For a minute. A minute. Like how long's a minute? Two years. Like on and off for like a year and a bit. So two years, got it. Yeah. The situationship timeline. Three amazing dates, plus two weeks of testing, plus one emotional overshare equals they suddenly aren't ready for anything serious. I feel like that's you. That seems accurate. That's you when you were dating the straight man. Yeah. That's also like sometimes that's me too. I'm a bad oversharer. No, you I do not share anything about my life unless I'm drunk or I will. Well that's really close to the point. When when else do you overshare? Never. That's that's what I'm saying. I I overshare when I'm drunk. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I think you overshare when you're sober sometimes. That's fair. Not like overshare. But I'm talking about like with someone I'm dating, not like you. Like, do I share too much about my life? Yes. No, I wouldn't say too much, but more than the average person. But I appreciate it. But you also share. You're a share. 100%. Am I a share? Look at me because. I don't think you're like, I don't think you're like me, but you're like, you're not like a a a closed book at all. Like I know how many times your basement's flooded. I can only imagine the metaphorically part. The dating app paradox. 100 matches, 92 people who never reply, six conversations where they say one word, two actual conversations. I think that's true. I used to have Tinder as well back in the day. I never once had a successful date from Tinder. Ever. Did you? Mm-hmm. Uh one of my situationships was from Tinder. Okay. So he was straight. No, well, he was bisexual. And that and that this is nothing against our bisexual queens. It's what we have an issue with is the straight men who are claiming to be bisexual. Yes. And they don't actually bisexual men and their girlfriends.

unknown 13:59

Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

Um yeah, like you're just like, if you're actually bisexual, fine, but if you're just like, oh, I might be bi, like I'm DL. Someone said this to me the other day, and this person is a part of the community, so I feel like I can say this. They said that they thought bisexual men were just very horny men who would fuck anything.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

Oof.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

Uh yeah. No, see, I think that it's just like there's so many straight men who ruin the image of bisexual people for everyone. Here's the thing. I also think there's like there's a big difference that we're getting really off topic here, but there is a big difference between bisexual men, DL men, and closeted men. Oh, yeah. I think those are very three separate categories. Actual, like, because bisexual men are valid in their lives. A hundred percent. DL men get it together. Figure it out. Right. And what's the third one? Closeted. Closeted, even worse. Because it's like, okay, closeted men know who they are. They're just denying who they are, and they're not sharing that. But I So that's better. Than DL. Yeah, DL men are just like, no, I'm just hooking up with guys on the side, but like it's never actually gonna go anywhere, and I'm gonna marry a woman one day. Like it's it's totally Or they're already married to a woman, which is better. Mm-hmm. Yikes. Yeah. Anyways, we can we can break that down on a different episode. Okay, these are two questions. Um you are, I think, bad for both of these things. Yeah. Maybe just one. First one, how long before you would do a double text? This is not the one you're bad for. Um, like with someone I'm like dating or if you're dating, like, how long would you double text? Uh I'm a double texter. If you don't respond to me, I'm gonna double text you. So like you'd be like, hey, what do you have to today? And then how long would go by before you'd be like, oh no, you're right. In this context, I would not ever double text. If I didn't get a response, if you're if the bare minimum of responding to my text is not something that you're able to do, goodbye. I wish I had that strength. I I I think I do now. I didn't when I was dating before. Okay, no, this is you. What's the acceptable time um that you would allow someone to respond before getting annoyed? Are you implying like I take a long time to respond? Oh, I'm a very bad texter. Um I don't know. Like sometimes I'm married to a bad texture though. Fair. Mark is terrible. I think like 24 hours, maybe. You think 24 hours is a is a valid time to respond to someone's text message? Yes. Oh, wow. Okay. Do you think that's long or short? I think that's ridiculously long. Really? If I'm okay, sometimes I take like four days to respond to your text. I know. Oh, but also like Felix said. No, no, no, no, no. We're talking about in a dating situation. Got it. Like, it's it's it's a it's like when your friends don't respond to your text about whatever that doesn't matter. But if like if I'm dating someone, like I'm hanging on that response. So like a day to me is giving like I I can't respond in the right away because I can't, blah, blah, blah. And like people when people play the games, I can't deal with the games. Like, if I when I'm talking to somebody, I'll respond when I get a text. If I if I see the text, I'll respond. I'm not playing this like, oh, he waited four minutes, so I have to wait six minutes. Like, I think that's dumb. Okay, no, those are ridiculous and childish and not definitely who I was as a teenager or as a young adult, not who I am now. If I was to start dating again, I would not no, I would just be responding when I can. But I think as a realtor, my phone, like I get way too many texts a day, and sometimes I just need a break and I just don't check my texts for like six hours. That's fair. And sometimes I'll respond to like I'll have like 15 texts I need to respond to and I'll respond to like four. And then I'll come back in a couple hours and respond to four more. Unless, of course, it's like a client or something that's like time sensitive. But for my friends and for someone I'm dating. Yeah, for me, it's like if someone if I'm seeing someone and they take 24 hours to respond to my texts, they're not interested in me to the level that I would like. Yeah, it's just hard for me to put myself in that mind space, I think, because I haven't dated in so long. Um, but yeah, I think 24 hours is a long time, especially if you've been dating them for like more than a couple weeks. But if you're like just talking to someone, like just got off talking on the apps and now you're texting. See, I think that's even worse. Like, I think if it's just fresh, in order for the relationship to progress, you need to talk more than once a day. I think. But maybe that's where I'm different. Yeah. Maybe that's where we're different. I don't know. Discussion topic. The exact night. Sorry, the exact moment when the night goes off the rails. What is it? I don't know if I understand the question. So like if you're what the night goes off the rails. I don't know if I do either. Like is there a tipping point where like it can go from a good night to a to a not so good night? The second someone starts crying, I'm out. You're out. I'm out. You're you're in an Uber home. I'm gone. Yep. Unless it's like one of my like best, best, best, closest friends. I do not deal with emotions well. Um obviously I'm not leaving someone by themselves crying, but if like we're all like consoling someone because some they're emotional. Or something, I'm like if it's a real thing, like if grandma just died at the bar, yeah. But if sure, that boy hasn't texted me back, it's and we're crying about it. Yeah, let's go home. Yeah, yeah, I agree. Yeah. And you are this friend, I feel, but like you really want to go home, and that friend says, just one more drink. What do you do? I'm the friend who really wants to go home or the friend who wants another drink. I feel like you are the friend who wants another drink, but what would you do if you were the friend who wanted to go home? I would go home. We're doing what I want. I don't know. I love that. Sorry, I'm not trying to play footsies with you. Um okay. What would you do? Would you have another drink? I'd probably have another drink. Sometimes, okay, I'm I've gotten to a point where I know where I'm at the point where I can't drink anymore, and I don't push myself anymore. Oh, if I'm at the point where I can't drink anymore. But I Or even like if I know like one more drink is gonna make me feel slightly grosser tomorrow, I'm not doing it. See, I don't know that I be due to owning a drug company and drinking more than I used to, I it takes a lot of alcohol for me to get hung over the next morning. So like that's not really a consideration. For me, it's like, am I feeling sick or going to feel sick? But like I very rarely get to a point out of the house where I am drunk. Fair. Because I have to drive everywhere. Yeah. So like I usually have my like two to four drinks at an event. At a brunch. But then when I actually am drinking, I'm I know that I'm drinking, and then I'm throwing up in caramel's car on the way home. Yeah, that is a two-story. I can't do that anymore. I can't throw up anymore. No, I don't want to throw up, but like I can't get away. We went to Cowboys. Have you been to Cowboys? I've been to a show at Cowboys, one of your shows at Cowboys. Think about the absolute opposite vibe, and that's what Cowboys is on a normal Saturday. Gotcha. All straight people, but there's a mechanical bull and three dollar drinks. So we go sometimes. When I tell you, I was just buying drinks for me for people who was in the because when they're three dollars, it's like that's practical. Give me 17. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Um, and then they bring out the dollar beer. Oh. It's a tiny cup, but still. I can't do, yeah. So anyway, Caramel is so sweet. She like saw our stories that we were at Cowboys and was like, they don't look good to get home. So she came down to drive us home. Isn't that like she's just the nicest I know? She's just the nicest person ever. I love her so much. Okay, the dance floor formula. This is like so stupid, but song nobody knows, empty floor. Song Everyone Knows, Stampede. Like, obviously, you're not gonna dance to a song you hate. Right. As soon as that like throwback Taylor Swift song comes on, I am on the floor. What song makes you want to dance the most? Bad romance, hot to go, or put om? Oh, hot to go. But padabadab is like a good second. Yeah, for sure. Um, okay. Solve the gay equation. There's a game. Okay, so we have to answer the problem. Two tequila shots plus running into your ex, plus hearing a sad Taylor Swift song equals what? Me going home. That's that's the night, that's the point in the night where I know things have gone wrong. See, the the possibilities are crying in the bathroom, trauma bonding with a stranger, texting someone you shouldn't, going home's not on there, and also hooking up with your ex in the bathroom zone on there. And those are two both very realistic options. You're hooking up with your ex? Like, I'm not in this scenario. But if I'm single, yeah, and I'm at a bar and I'm tequila drop and my ex is here and we're both willing, I'm probably hooking up with the bigger. What's that one song like tequila makes her clothes come off? Isn't that a country song? Oh, you bet it is. We are way too gay to like country as much as we do. Okay, drag brunch plus bottomless mimosas plus the straight bachelorette party that's making it all about them, equals Drag Brunch has been ruined. Drag Brunch has been ruined. Um, the options here are see, I'm of two minds because I am producing the drag show, so I've got the money from the the women. Yep. But it's still like, know your place. Like you didn't hire a this isn't a private event. If you want to hire us for a bachelorette, we will do that. If you paid $10 a head and you're at a brunch at $18.81, it's not about you. It's not about you. No. What you can do is when Ann or Violet says, is anybody celebrating anything? You can say Bachelorette! And then we'll make it about you for three minutes. 30 seconds, and you'll get a little shout out. But it's not about you. No. And I so you're ruining the event for everyone else. You're ruining the event for everyone else, but they never care. They're always wearing their sashes and their stupid hats, and they think that it's all about everyone. Yeah. And I love a bachelorette party. We we have a lot of bachelorette parties. Most of them are fine. It's the ones that are like touchy. Okay, rapid fire gay bath.

unknown 24:00

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 24:02

How many drinks? Oh, this is so good for me and Violet. Um, how many drinks before you start randomly complimenting strangers? Oh, one and a half. I when I am drinking, I love to talk to people and I will be the nicest person ever. 100%. And I, especially especially a woman, like like a beautifully dressed woman. Yeah. I'll be like, you are so beautiful. And I'll always do it with the limp wrist. I am the gayest person when I'm giving compliments with my own. Oh, because you have to be. I don't know if you can is crazy. Do you think you can pass for straight? Yeah. I open my mouth and people know, but like I feel like looking at me sometimes, like you wouldn't know that I'm gay with a s with a guelph storm. I'm currently wearing a guelh hockey sweater and the daddest of jeans I've ever seen. So don't I look straight without the dollhouse hat? Yeah, he's wearing a bright pink hat, but other than that, um, maybe you could nails aren't painted, so that's nails aren't painted. Do you think you pass for straight? I think if I walk into Tony's. Yes. Okay, well, Tony's, because no one's expecting a gay at Tony's. Who do you think passes straight for more straight? You or Ryan? I don't know. You tell me. You look straighter, but Ryan like does his hair like a straight person. Well, he is, yeah. He's a he like does that like dad really like strongly. Yeah, so that that's giving straight. Yeah. But I dress nicer, so that makes me seem You dress nicer than Ryan. Yeah. Do you disagree? I don't think I've ever seen him dress like like I've only seen him dress for like drag shows and always looks nice. Yeah, yeah. But like when what else does it mean? But I don't know. Because he wears probably scrubs to work. What? Doesn't he wear scrubs to work? He does. So like you can't judge him for that. And then the rest is just around the house. Yeah. You have to dress nice. You sell houses for a living. Yeah, I'm always dressed nice. But like even if I come to a drag show, do I am I not dressed nice? Yeah, you dress nicer. Yeah, you are. You're fine. I'm fine. It's not about whether you dress nice, it's about like whether you present straight. And I think like the question was, do you think you or Ryan dress nicer? Oh, sorry, that was. So dress nicer? Okay. Sure. You dress nicer. Ryan dresses straighter. Ryan Ryan does his hair nicer. Well, you didn't do your hair. He's always got his hair a little sprayed with a little comb. That's true. I mean, I do do my hair, but it's just not for a Monday podcast viewing. I did my hair this morning, which is crazy. But it's like messy. You did your hair. Do you not like there's gel in my hair right now? It's just like the this the right side of it's kind of standing up a little bit. See this this little poof over here? Oh yeah, like it's just it's just messy. But I wouldn't say that I didn't do my hair. Says the one wearing a hat because he didn't do his hair. For real. Like I this is a little bit more. I'm just gonna stop coming for you. Um second one. What percentage of gay friendships start in either a smoking area or a bathroom? Every single one. Every single one, yeah. 97% of the city. The people that we like, we've been producing high quality, high caliber drag events in the Guelph area for five years. You've been producing drag events for sure, but go fuck yourself. And the people that we have become friends with that comes to our shows, that come to our shows, we've either become friends with like after the show, like like a bathroom center, or outside of the smoking. Like that's where you're serving you at State in Maine. Or they're serving us at State in Maine on Anne's birthday. On Anne's birthday. Happy birthday. Me being like, oh my god, we got recognized. That's so exciting. Right. Wild. As if we hadn't spoken before that, I'm pretty sure we had. I think you came to an event before that. Oh, I definitely had came to an event before that. I knew who you were. But we hadn't spoken like personally. I don't think. Maybe like like a casual DM. Maybe, but like then I I can't I I didn't know that you were like the realtor that I taught. You know what I mean? Were you a realtor at that point? Yep. Oh. How many times this is you. How many times will someone say I'm leaving before they actually leave? Seven. I usually give myself seven times. I just made that up, but yeah, quite a few. This is so real. This is apparently the universal gay equation. One compliment from a drag queen equals confidence for three weeks. It's so true. Oh, it is. 100% it is. And I I watch it happen. Like there was a twinkit came to our brunch on Sunday, Saturday, whatever it was, the Irish brunch. Side note, what is an Irish brunch? Like, yeah, well, I didn't understand what that was. I thought there was gonna be green beer and maybe There was green beer. Okay, perfect. That's that's another sprunch. The Queens wore green. That's all that that's that's exactly what I thought it was, and that's what I was. But like Kara didn't, and neither did Anne, but Anne wore red hair. So one queen did, then, is what you're saying. Violet wore green. Okay. The queens wore green and it was violet. Um Kara did a song from Titanic. Let's just also point out that green is one of Violet's colors. So whatever. Um, but anyway, there was a twig who was like, I saw him like meet the queens, and then all of a sudden, like he was I could see him getting life. Yeah. Like just from and I was like, ugh, this is Did one of the Queens call him cute? And he's like, I did not hear, but probably. Probably. Um, okay. Last few, there's rapid fire. So one, like one or two word answers. How many drinks before you become the bathroom therapist? Uh one and a half. Two. I have a psych degree. Uh, what drink number will you say I love you so much to someone you just met? Four. Five or six. What's the conversion rate of tequila shots to bad decisions? Mine's one to one. I was gonna say one to one. Tequila comes right back with me. I can't. Yeah. How many days does it take before someone requests a remix to put on put on? Like that's my first one. Yeah. On a dating app, how many messages before you ask for like number or Instagram? We're so out of the 12. We're so out of um the dating game. I don't know. I like I don't like to talk on the apps if I was dating. I'm very much like, hey, hey, how are you? What's your phone number? Like number, not Snapchat. Also, I want to know that they're a real person. Right. Not Snapchat. Give me their Instagram. Why not Snapchat? I don't really use Snapchat. But maybe if I was dating on the internet, yeah, but for dating, it's good because like I feel like you see the person. You know that the person actually looks like verified. Okay, yeah. But I feel like with the gays, it would just turn very sexual very fast. That's true. And I'm scared. I run I this is okay, so I once had a I guess this is a situation shift that I had. Um, and it was before I was before I was dating. And he's now like a um he's like an actor. Like on a phone. You'll be showing me a photo after, but go he's an actor. He is a dancer, actually. But anyway, like we were it was a situation where we knew each other, and then like he's like, What's your snap? And I was like, Oh, like I had a huge crush on him, but I didn't know he had shared back. All of a sudden, the Snapchat went to like a picture of his body, and I was like, Oh, so this is where this is going. Yeah. So you're right, it does turn sexual, but also But also do people talk on like do people talk on Snapchat as just friends, or is like Snapchat just like a like a dating thing? So I feel like I'm the wrong person to ask because I have You use it as a dating thing. No, I don't. I literally like the people I snap the most on here are like if I look at my top friends, where are your top friends on Snapchat right now? Okay, so do you remember when you used to be able to see people's best friends on Snapchat? That was so messy. Can't bring that back. I miss it. Okay, where how do I see my top friends? Shit. Go to send a snap and it'll show you. Okay. Okay, so my number one best friend, my husband. Yep. Then um my friend Laura. Laura, yep. Then my straight friend Bryson is um straight.

SPEAKER_01 31:35

Is he a theater guy?

SPEAKER_00 31:36

No, he's a softball guy. Oh. Then a gay guy that I met in Buffalo. Got it. Then you. Then me. I'm below the gay Buffalo band. You're gonna below gay in Buffalo. Then um my straight friend from work, and then um one of my straight softball friends, girlfriends. That's my best friends. Okay, the straight friend from work, boy or girl, don't tell me Mark. No, that's your husband's name. John. That's your name. Tyler. David. David! I would have been. He's got red hair. Yeah, so so to answer you, yes, I use it for friends more. But like, I use it for friends, but also like also like, you know. But like I do both. Got it. Okay, how many you won't know this because you've been in a release here for seven years, but what percentage of grinder conversations end with do you host? I I as someone who is not involved in that, a hundred percent I would say. Most. Yeah. Um, how many times? This is kind of funny. How many times can someone say haha before the conversation dies? Once. If you text me ha ha and that's the only reply, you are not getting a response from me. You will have to double text. And that's for anyone. Okay. If you were dating and you weren't really feeling it, and you were about to stop texting him, yeah. I would say ha ha. No, no. That we moved on. And he sent you like a mirror pick, like a shirtless mirror pick, and he was like, built. Would that be enough to like keep you around? Correct. Same. Unfortunately. Drag show math. This is kind of American, but how many dollar bills equal a good tip? Like if you were in here, we tip fives. But like if you're at a bar in the States, would you just tip a dollar? Or would you tip like multiple dollars? I feel like a dollar is offensive. I think so too. I would never. I see like Jan going around at a runce and someone holds up a dollar. I'm like, no. No. If you're tipping, especially like a really good performer, like five at least. You can tip like buy a dollar, like just throw a dollar up, but like you better be throwing that dollar up every 30 seconds. Like, you know what I mean? Fair, but then you're just making the girl work for work more. Yeah, that's a lot. You just want more attention. Just give her the money. Yeah. Um, how many times does a drag queen say, Are you ready for the show before the show actually starts? A drag queen or John? Fuck on. Standing at the front getting ready to start the show. Killing time because the queens aren't ready. Correct. Or Anne hasn't shown up yet, or on the Uber here. Today, um, the last brunch, Ann showed up at 12.57 for the 1 p.m. brunch. I was gonna say for the 12 p.m. show. No, no, for the 1 p.m. brunch. Um honestly good for her. She's early. If Anne arrives before the show starts, it's a good day. Yeah. Okay, how many red flags does somebody have to have before a gay will not say that they can fix him? One. One red flag? For me. No. Sorry, you're saying one red flag and you're done. Ten. Seven? I don't know. I know for a f you're trying to say Ryan has a lot of red flags. No, I'm not trying to say Ryan has any red flags. You're saying that I have a lot of red flags. I'm saying that you sometimes are a fan of red flags. Oh wow. T clocked it. I will I love a red flag. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:59

Depends what the red flag is.

SPEAKER_00 35:01

Yeah, like hates women. No. That's why. Like, I would like I'm done. Is it bad texture? That's like I'm not. Is it bad texture? I am a bad texture. Yeah, I don't like that's not a red flag. No. That's not a red flag that I'm getting rid of. Like has kids. Is like Republican, conservative? One. Bye. Um, any of the phobics? Biza bye-bye. But just like bad texter. Homophobic is fair. I could do it. Homophobic is fair. Okay, last one. I'm nervous. How many iced coffees before our gay becomes fully functional? So currently I'm at two for the day, and I am excited that we're about to order a third in a couple minutes. So I would say three. And on that note, I would say zero because I don't drink coffee, but I do love an Alani New. That's crazy to me. But if Alani New would like to sponsor us, we would really love that. We would love that. We're gonna do a podcast episode about all the different flavors of Alani New. And I know exactly what. What's your one, you know? The one you brought. Actually, no, I saw one in the store the other day and it was like creamsickle. Love creamsicle. And it looked delicious. Cherry bomb is my favorite. I don't like cherry. Do you like Dr. Pepper?

SPEAKER_01 36:10

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 36:10

So it tastes like Dr. Pepper. Okay, maybe I would like it there. Okay. Thank you for stopping by the house tour. Come back soon. The kettle's always on and the tea's always hot. Bye. Bye. I knew it was coming.