6 Lies Keeping Husbands Passive Until She Checks Out | EP 38r | EP 38

What if the thing you’re most proud of is actually sabotaging your marriage?

Most men think passivity is just part of their personality, that they're easygoing, that they're keeping the peace, that they're being the bigger person. 

Host Alessandro Frosali breaks down the six self-lies that keep husbands stuck, passive, and losing respect at home. These are the exact thoughts running in your head every time you avoid stepping up.

Chapters:
00:02:37 - The Thought That Makes You Quit Early
00:06:12 - The Excuse That Sounds Justified
00:09:25 - The Trap Disguised as Peace
00:14:00 - The Story You Keep Telling Yourself
00:18:30 - The Move That Keeps You Stuck
00:22:36 - The Most Dangerous Belief of All

What makes these lies dangerous is how true they feel. Some of them even sound like wisdom. That’s why they keep working… while nothing actually changes.

You’ll hear the lie that sounds like self-awareness but kills action.
The one that quietly shifts the blame off you.

Press play and learn the one Alessandro calls the most dangerous… because it convinces you there’s nothing to fix.

Become a Better Husband in Just Two Minutes a Week for Free: HERE

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy. Always seek qualified guidance for your personal situation.

Views shared by Alessandro Frosali and his guests reflect their lived experiences and opinions. Every listener’s journey is unique, and no therapeutic relationship is created.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Shut the Fuck Up and Listen. This is the podcast where we help husbands go from boy to man to better husbands. In this podcast today, we're gonna deal with the six self-lies that are keeping husbands, men in general, passive in their marriages and in their lives. Now, I I look at passivity as one of the worst traits, one of the worst traits for husbands. And I think, you know, a lot of other husbands will think, oh, uh, you know, being passive is not that bad. I'm just easygoing. I'm just a good man. I'm I'm like, but what I see that the biggest problem with passivity is passivity over time builds up. I've got uh quite a few reels that I've posted about this, and this is one of those things that, you know, seems to be something that I'm I get known for online. But what I usually say in them is that, you know, um, easygoing men are safe at the start for women, but then over time, you know, when you're in the relationship, mental load comes up because men, you know, become so passive. And so instead of just hammering on and going, you're a boy, you're a boy, I actually want to deal with the lies that men often tell themselves, right? That keep them stuck in passivity. Because there are some very clear things that you as a man believe are the reasons why you're easygoing or the reasons why you cannot step into self-leadership, ownership, responsibility, or things like this. And I want to tackle those because I think as you hear them, you'll be like, oh God, I I I actually see myself in that, you know, and that's what we want to tackle. That's what we want to tackle. So I think you should stay around, especially, you know, if I look at these, number one's pretty bad. We're gonna get into that straight away. But then all the way at the end, number six, do not miss that one because that one's the kernel. That's the thing that you got to stay for. Let's get into it. Let's deal with number one. Before we jump in, make sure you are subscribed to this podcast. I've got to tell you this now. You know, it's one of those things I always hear, you know, my podcast manager is gonna be like, come on, you gotta make sure everyone subscribes. I've also got to make sure that we, you know, make a living here on this channel, on uh this podcast. And also I want to make sure that men around the world can actually listen over and over again. So if you haven't already, make sure you've also reviewed. Shut the fuck up and listen if you're a regular. That would be really great. I've only got a few reviews on Spotify, and it would be really nice to get those reviews up and and get this podcast a little higher in the lists so that more men can listen to this, more marriages can be saved, and that's my whole aim. That's my whole aim. All right, let's jump into them. Number one, the lie that is keeping you passive. Oh, that's a big one. Nothing I do is ever good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough. This one, oh, this one. I hear this all the time from men, and and I think there's a real danger in it because I really believe that whatever you tell yourself, whatever you tell yourself is what actually actuates, you know, what eventuates within life. And, you know, you can you can just look at something like um Victor Frankel's Man's Search for Meaning. He talks about how men in concentration camps, you know, if they didn't have a meaning to get through, they would often find themselves die within a few days. You know, the moment somebody lost meaning, they would die very quickly. And I even think like if you look at um 1950s, there was a study by Kurt Richter, and he had like rats in containers of water. And quite literally, he would put them the rats in the container of water, and the rat would swim and swim and swim and swim, and roughly around 15 minutes, the rats would survive. But, you know, that was like averaged. So some rats would die earlier, some rats would die later. And what he changed in the study, right, was that he actually saved some of the rats, right, at around the 14-minute mark. Okay. And then let them recover, let them wait on the side, and then put them back in the container. And when they got put back in the container and were swimming for their lives, they would last hours, not 15 minutes, hours. Now, why did that happen? We can only theorize why that happened. It happened because these rats genuinely believed that they would get saved, or they even knew that there was a possibility or an eventuality that they would get saved. Now, I bring that up because I truly believe that a lot of these lies that we're telling ourselves to keep passive are around identity and meaning. And the moment we say something like, nothing I do is ever good enough, you will never look at the times where things are good enough. You will never look at how life is actually good right now. You will only see the negative. Nothing I do is ever good enough is a frustration that just doesn't actually eventuate into anything. It removes your responsibility as well, because the moment you look at something, you will also not look at yourself within a linear line of growth. You don't look at your efforts towards something as growing and getting better over time, because again, everyone starts off at a shit place in life, okay? No one's ever good at everything all the time. So if you start off and you're starting to do something in the household, and all of a sudden your wife tells you off for it, and you go, well, nothing I do is ever good enough anyway, right? That's you just drowning and capitulating and not going, you know what, I'm actually going to work on this. Right. So that becomes an identity thing. It is not a truth. This is a lie that you tell yourself. Nothing I do is ever good enough anyway. If I actually broke it down and came into you and asked you specific questions, you would be like, okay, well, there are times things are good enough. Okay, well, there are times I can get better at things. Okay, there well, there are times where, you know what, like if I actually work on it, she goes, you did fucking well. Like, and also you eventually don't need to be told that you've done well like a like a boy. I'm sorry, I told you I wasn't gonna hammer the boy line, but here we are. So essentially it's like nothing I do is ever good enough anyway, is is the line that makes you stop trying before you even start. You stop trying before you even start. So you've pre-lost, right? And that is beneficial to you because it means you don't have to try. You can your brain can go, you know what, we don't actually have to expend effort on this because nothing is ever good enough anyway. That's a fucking lie. All right. It's not the truth. Things are good enough, and you you you're you're working on a growth scale. Okay. You're working on a growth scale. Next lie that we tell ourselves is I am tired. I am tired. I'm tired. So that's why I'm passive. I'm tired. Yeah, you probably are tired. And now, guess what? It's your identity again. Oh, I'm just tired. I'm just tired. I can't do anything because I'm tired. So you use that tiredness to lower your standards, to not allow things in. And uh you stop doing the hard things first, and then you expect life to require less from you. Can I say that life in general does not get lighter? Life in general does not get lighter. You either lower your standards in life, or you raise your abilities. You lower your standards in life or you raise your abilities. And I'm sorry, whenever you're with a wife that actually wants to have a good life, she's not gonna lower her standards and your life standards. You need to build better skills. Reminds me, I remember Jay Shetty saying one thing like this a while back when he was talking about health. He was talking about growth and and what he wanted to do in his world and he and he he was struggling with some health. And he he thought, either I have to do less or I have to look after my health more. And I look at I look at life like that. It's like either you, you, you know what, go and go and find a lesser woman. Or find a lesser woman, right? Or, you know, actually work on yourself and and and get better. And and the thing is, tired is such a passive fucking thing anyway, right? And like I know women even are are really tired, but there's and men, you know, when you say you're tired, there's a there's a lot of I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired. I get that, right? We're ironically, it seems everyone in this world is tired. And everyone in this world has a reason why they're more tired than you, or you're more tired than them. And you know what? We can have a sliding scale and some are true and some are not. But I have I'm a huge believer. I'm a huge believer in your life, it is your responsibility. It may not be your fault that everything happened. It may be your fucking fault. Okay, I don't know here. But it is your responsibility to change things. So I'm tired is not a strong enough excuse. It's it's not a strong enough excuse to s to stay passive. In actual fact, it's the thing keeping you passive. It is entirely within your control. If you're tired, set up things that you make sure that you go to bed earlier. Do you doom scroll at night until the end of the night? And then guess what? You have no fucking energy to do any of the housework, to do anything that's a lightning mental low, to to to be present within your house. You have no effort for connection and intimacy. Ha, what a convenient excuse your tiredness, right? Again, it's an excuse. It's a lie you tell yourself so you can continue to stay passive. It is not a real thing. It is something that if you want to fix, you can exercise more, work your body more, like learn that you are able to look after yourself better and you will be less tired. That is a fucking excuse that you know keeps you passive. Next one. Oh, here we go. I just want peace. I just want peace. Right? I just want peace. Why does she take away my peace? And passive because I just I just want things to stay the same. All right. It's it's avoiding tension, it's avoiding actually making decisions, it's avoiding, you know, keeping the peace is uh let's put it this way. Life itself is not it never gets easier. Very similar to what I was saying about the tiredness here. Like life is life is something that if you imagine that you're in a car, right, and you have a certain gear that you're driving in, and you're driving along and and and it's worked for you for a certain period of time, right? This is like this is the peace that you have in life. You it's working for you, you're driving along, and then all of a sudden you're finding that the car is going slower, right? And it's it's you you you're going and you're like, why the why is the car going slower? I'm in the right gear, you know. I've been in this gear, I've been doing this the whole time. And you keep driving, you keep pushing it at that gear, and the car's actually starting to make like some sounds now. It's like starting to go, it's like getting really struggling to go up this freaking hill. And your wife's complaining and and and the kids are complaining at the back, and you're like, what the fuck? What the fuck? Like, ah, you know, like um, what's going on? I I don't know what's going on. Guess what? Life is not a straight road. Life has hills in it. And if you're gonna drive the same gear, you have to change things up. You have to go down a gear so you can go faster up the hill. Are you gonna like work on yourself? Are you gonna stop on the side of the road and get uh fix the tire, or I don't know. There's only so far that this fucking analogy can stretch. And I hope you you guys can actually understand this. But peace doesn't happen in life. Life will always invariably throw things at you. So the I just want peace, and my wife is not bringing me peace is different, you know, it's it's a line that you cannot throw there. I mean, you know, I'm sitting here this morning. I've got to like I've got a whole bunch of shit that I got to do. I knew I had to do the podcast episode, I knew I had to do like uh, you know, a whole bunch of things for the academy, a whole bunch of things for the new retreats that are gonna happen next year. I got a whole bunch of things that I got to do for the better husband community that's gonna come up. I've got all these things I'm doing today. Then I've got to do like personal stuff, like uh I gotta get my new passport, gotta get the emergency passport out and everything like that. And then still, you know, there are things that are gonna come drop up, drop up on the top of that. You know, the landlord calls and says, Well, we're gonna get somebody to look at the dishwasher at, you know, at this time. You've got the cleaner coming and you're like, oh fuck. Like I had all my things I had to do. I just wanted peace, right? And and now all life is like dropping more and more things on me. And then even my wife says, Well, the chain you got for me, right, for my birth, uh, for my birthday is broken. Can you now, you know, can you contact them and email? The the passive man way of dealing with this sort of shit is to go, ah, I just wanted peace. I have my work enough already. Like, why don't you just leave me alone? Right? It's not gonna work. Life is not like that. Life has these moments where they get more and more difficult. And it it it stresses you, yes, but it's only stressing you because you haven't dealt with the pressure of each day. So every single day there is invariably pressure that's gonna happen. Every single day there's that pressure, and you need to handle that pressure and to the best of your ability. Sometimes you can't handle it all, right? Sometimes you cannot handle it all. But if you leave it alone and you just say, I just want my peace, and you leave it and you avoid it, it becomes stress. It becomes stress. That is the only thing that stresses. So again, you stay passive by saying, I just want peace, and why can't you just give me peace? You know? I look at it as a challenge. Every single time I've got really difficult things to do and things are getting stacked up, you just go, you know what? I'm gonna get through it. I'm gonna I'm gonna test myself to see how well I can just get through today and just apply myself for the certain time. And you you sort of find that you get good at handling pressure. You really do. So I just want peace is a lie. You don't get peace from life and life. That's not how life works. And if you want peace, I'll give you this caveat. If you want peace, go and become a monk. Go and move to India, Sri Lanka, Cambodia, wherever, right? Go become a monk and you'll have peace. You'll have peace. You can meditate all day. But the guess what? You probably have to deal with the frickin' pain of just dealing with your own fucking mind. Nothing's gonna make it easy. There is no such thing as making it easy. If you want really, really easy, go freaking move to Thailand. I don't know. Uh it doesn't work that way. Life doesn't work that way. It's it's not about easy, okay? It's about your ability. All right. What's line number four? Line number four is she's always on my case. She's always on my case. She always does this. She always. That's why you stay passive. You know, I'm passive because she's always the one that's on my case. Okay. So that feels true, but let's look deeper. You only notice this when she's frustrated. You also ignore all the moments before that. And also it's quite convenient that she's always on my case now, becomes she's the problem, and you don't have any problems anymore. And you you're not passive. You're not passive, she's the problem. That's why this is a lie. Because what it does is it removes your self-ownership. It removes the, oh, I have actual ownership within this case and I can actually change things. She's always on my case is not fucking true. You know, the thing is, let's put it this way. I've always I've spoken about this a lot in in my coaching, in in the academy and everything that I do. I talk about this a lot. Men and women often think in two different realms, right? Men will usually deal with the realm of the moment. So if if something didn't happen a month ago, a week ago, an hour ago, in an hour, in a week, or in a month, like it's not really a thing. Like we don't really look at it. We sort of deal with the moment, right? Whereas women, for some reason, they're like, they will bring up something from 10 fucking years ago. It's they they deal in the realm of the infinite. Okay. These are the two different realms. So what I find is that what I find, even in this moment, when she's always on my case, men are often like just looking at the moment to moment, but they're ignoring that there are a whole bunch of patterns that have gotten them here. I'm pretty sure I've got another podcast episode about this, uh, like unmet needs. Like, think about the, the, the, what's going on underneath. Because if she's always on your case, number one, there might quite literally be a pattern that you're ignoring. Okay. And that is like she's reacted to a pattern that you don't want to look at. So it could be your lack of initiation, it could be a lack of presence in the house, it could be a lack of connection, it could be a lack of trust, could be a lack of priorities because you're prioritizing the world and everything else instead of your wife. Could be her overload, it could be what are the other three or two, what do we got left? Uh security, financial or emotional security. And I think there's one more of my eight unmet needs that I usually talk about, but you get the fucking point. You get the fucking point. There's a pattern underneath that you're uh avoiding. So that's number one, why she could be always on your case. And the other reason why she could be always on your case is because you've actually anchored your emotional state, as in, you know, women change. Women have hormones, women have, you know, like a lot, it's a lot easier for an emotion to come through someone, like uh through a woman very quickly, right? And they also feel like they need to share things. And so if they're angry at something, they'll share it out loud. Whereas men, we kind of go into a little cave and off we go into our little cave. We think about it, okay, we're good, we come back. Okay. And so when she's coming up and she's sharing something out loud, often we're like, oh my God, what the hell? Why is she always upset right now? Oh, she's always on my case about this. But she actually just needs to get this fucking out. Okay. And you anchor your whole emotional state into whether she's happy or sad. And funnily enough, if you say the line, she's always on my case, I'd like you to really ask yourself, am I actually annoyed the moment she gets annoyed? Because if you're annoyed the moment she gets annoyed, even if it's not at you, right? You like think that her moods are too much and you start going into that phase, then you have completely anchored all of yourself to her emotions. And you should be anchoring into your own sense of self. Her emotions or her fears are not a reliable thing to anchor into. Like often she looks to you for stability, and here you are fucking anchoring your emotional state into her. It's not gonna work. It's not gonna work. So that I would, I would like really, if you're gonna have that lie that you're saying that she's always on my case, start questioning yourself and asking yourself whether or not it's like at other points, even when her mood just shifts slightly, if you're actually like you feel your whole you you're starting to walk on eggshells and everything like that. Because that has more to do with what you are making her emotions mean than it has to do with the truth of her always being on your case. It has more to do with what you are making it mean. There we go. Lie number five. I don't want to make it worse. Or I don't really I don't want to make it worse. I don't want to make it worse. I don't want to make it worse. Oh God. You know, and like or even there's there's even a better way of saying this. Let me let me try and find the right ways. Like, if I, you know, did it, she would always she would always come up with something why it's wrong, right? That that's a lie that you get here often. Like, I don't want to do it wrong, or if I did it, she would always make like say that it's not good enough, right? It goes back to similar to the first one, nothing I do is ever good enough. But again, it's separating yourself from it's separating like yourself from actually handling the discomfort of growth. So when you say I don't want to make it worse, or when you you say like if I do it, then then it's gonna be wrong, so I may as well not do it. Let's imagine you are trying to get better at uh discipline for your food and and your diet and and working out, and then you know, you eat a cookie and well, you ate one cookie, so you may as well eat the rest. Like, no, you ate one cookie, get fucking back to it. You know, like don't do this whole either-or mentality. It's like either she handles fucking everything because I suck at everything, you know, or like I have to do it right, or like this everything in life is growth. Everything in this in life is growth. So this whole lie of I don't want to make it worse is you just avoiding discomfort and you just avoiding growth. And because you think that she's better at it, you're just gonna keep the same dynamic. Well, I'm sorry, that dynamic is actually leading to you and your relationship deteriorating quite fast. So if you want to learn how to change things up, fucking deal with the discomfort of it. You know, you may be making it worse or you may be fucking it up, and her actually saying, why don't you just do it properly, which is true, right? But it doesn't mean, you know, if she says to you, why don't you just do it properly, that you just throw everything in the bin and go, you know what, I'll I'll never do it anyway. It's like, no, you just you learn and you do it a little bit better next time, you do it a little bit better next time. I'm a huge believer in, you know, again, this is back to the anchoring thing. Don't anchor everything into your wife's words, right? Anchor into your own sense of like ability. So if you have always sucked at something in the house, let's imagine it's um putting the toilet seat down, or let's imagine it's taking the bins out and putting bin liners back in. Let's imagine it's like these are the simple ones, right? Let's imagine it's one of the simple ones. And your wife looks at you and like, you should really be fucking better at this. You should be so much better at this. Like, I cannot believe that I've been doing this for years and you cannot do this, right? You might look at that and go, Well, like, I shouldn't do anything. Like, this feels so demoralizing when I do it. And then you go and do the bins and then you leave the bin liner. You don't like refill the bin liners, and then your wife is so upset at you. What I would do is like, anchor into your own sense of growth. Don't worry what she says. Literally just go, well, I am gonna make sure. What is what would be my way of making sure that that happens so that I get better at it. Now, yeah, it's it's not about what she thinks in that moment. It's like you know that the goal for the household is that you get better at that sort of shit so that you she doesn't have to worry about that. And her way of doing it doesn't have to be your way of doing it. You just have to get the end result, okay? And you might that night might not be a single day for you. That might take a little time for you. And if that does take time for you, measure yourself and your ability to get better. Measure that. Measure into your own integrity, and that is a strong way for you to continue that change. That's a strong way for you to continue that change. And I know, I know your wife along this will be difficult for you because she is fed up. Let's put it this way she is fed up, she has been dealing with this pattern for a long period of time. And you might be asking her for peace. You might be asking her for grace, but she doesn't have any peace or grace left. I just want you to understand that. She doesn't have any peace or grace left. So don't anchor into her peace and grace because you're doing it then to appease her. Anchor it because the end goal needs to fucking be made, needs to be achieved. The end goal needs to be achieved. Your behavioral growth. So it doesn't fucking matter if you do it slowly, as long as you actually are doing your to your best of your ability. Don't worry about what your wife is saying. So yeah, that's lie number five. We're gonna get the biggest lie. We're gonna get the biggest lie, which is the biggest lie that is keeping you passive, right? The self-lie that's keeping you passive is this is just who I am. Very similar to you're just trying to change me. It's a very dangerous one. I would say it's the most dangerous one because you're turning your patterns of behaviors. Patterns and behaviors are separate to you. They are not you. Your behaviors are not you, right? If I pick up this pen, I am I a man that always picks up pens? No, I just picked up the fucking pen. If I take out the bins now, am I a man that can or cannot take out the bins? No, I have a behavior of taking out the bins or not. It is not my identity. So if you start going, this is who I am, who you are can change. If you got hit on the head and forgot everything about your life right now, and then woke up in somewhere else and realized that you had to live a very different life, somebody would meet up with you and be like, whoa, you're so different. Why are you so different, right? Because you're fucking used to doing different behaviors. Your behaviors are actually set based on your memories, your beliefs, your past. Okay. And they can change. They are not fixed things. Really, really, like I'm a stickler on this. It's like your behaviors are not you, right? So your ability to be a good husband actually can happen, you know, because they're just fucking behaviors. Work on them one by one. Work on them one by one. So this is just who I am, is the most dangerous lie that's keeping you passive. You turn that pattern into an identity, and there's no reason to change. Again, you save yourself from the ability to change. Why change? That's just who I am. I am the easygoing guy who doesn't mind things. Well, it's not fucking working for your marriage. Do you want your marriage? Yeah. Well, then change it. Change the behaviors, all right? It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. It means she doesn't like or love your behaviors. And those things can change. Fantastic, right? Don't lock yourself in. You are just who you have been practicing. You are just who you have been practicing. So practice a different you. Ta-da! There we go. I'm sorry. I told you no SAS. I got to the SAS. Let's connect the docs. Dots, not docs. There are no docks to connect. Every one of these lies does the same thing. It removes the pressure from you. In the moment, it feels like relief, right? Over time, it kills your respect. You slowly stop showing up and you call it being realistic. You can actually use it to be defensive, right? You can you can fight back and you can tell her, well, I didn't do it because, you know, what are they? Nothing I do is ever good enough. Great, great response back, you know? Uh, I'm tired. Great response back. You know, it's a great way to save yourself from from from the pain of of being called out, right? I just want peace, right? Great response back. She's always on my case. Oh, wonderful one to get manipulative and turn it right back on her, right? Why do you always do this? That's that's why you say that in the first place. Because it's a fucking, you know, really beneficial excuse for you because guess what? Then you can turn it on her and and you can a little bit gaslight her. And you don't think you're doing that, but that's what we're fucking doing. And then we got, I don't want to make it worse, you know, delay your pain until later. And then you've got the so this is just who I am. Oh, the most dangerous altogether. So your life is shaped by these sentences that you do not question. What I would suggest for you, if you want to stop being passive, is start questioning these. You are not your behaviors. Like you are like you are just who you practice. Practice being somebody else. Practice being the husband that you really would want to be. And if you practice that and start getting better at that, fuck, life can get amazing. You can do that, or you can stay exactly where you are. That's up to you. Like, I don't mind either way. My preference is that you grow through it, but hey, it's your life. All right. Shut the fuck up and listen. I think next week we're gonna have a really nice podcast interview uh with someone really good for this. Hopefully that comes through. I don't know when these are recorded or when these are edited. Nonetheless, I just want to say thanks for listening today. Make sure that you have subscribed to Shut the Fuck Up and Listen wherever channel you're on. And make sure you give us a review, whatever platform you're using, and make sure you give us a review, whether it's Spotify or even if you're listening and you've you've you've liked me on from Facebook or something like this. Reviews really help because the more reviews that we get, right? The more reviews that I get on this sort of thing, the more marriages we can save in the end. That's the whole thing. Because we get ranked up higher, and getting ranked up higher means more people can get these tools to actually save their marriages. Thanks everyone. Take care. That's the episode. That's all I got for you today. Just want you to remember you're not alone in this. Make sure you subscribe to stay connected, of course, and comment your win, you know, because every time a man sees other men winning, they don't feel alone anymore. And I love that. Tools are in the show notes, starting with the better husband in two minute emails. Let's build this together. I'll see you next week.