Relationship REELS: Is Her Saving Your Marriage | EP 40

What if the reel your wife just sent you is NOT an attack, but actually the thing that saves your marriage?

Most men tense up the second a relationship reel pops up on their phone. The defensiveness kicks in fast. You tell yourself you're not weak, you're not gonna do whatever she says, and you're definitely not listening to some influencer tell you what you're doing wrong. 

But that reaction, the one that feels like strength, is exactly what's costing you.

Host Alessandro Frosali breaks down why the way you respond to what your wife sends you says everything about where your head's at. And understanding what those reels are actually telling you, and how most men are completely misreading it.

Chapters:

00:02:19 - The Reaction You Think Is Strength Is Damaging Your Marriage
00:05:23 - Why Listening to Her Makes You More of a Man
00:09:29 - When She Goes Quiet You Should Be Scared
00:13:33 - She Already Told You What She Needs, You Missed It
00:18:41 - The One Reframe That Stops the Fighting for Good

You'll hear why dismissing her reels puts you closer to a conversation you don't want to have. Every man who messages Alessandro after a separation says the same thing. You need to hear it before you're one of them.

Press play and learn what she's really trying to tell you before it's too late.

Become a Better Husband in Just Two Minutes a Week for Free: HERE

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy. Always seek qualified guidance for your personal situation.

Views shared by Alessandro Frosali and his guests reflect their lived experiences and opinions. Every listener’s journey is unique, and no therapeutic relationship is created.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You know that moment your wife sends you a reel? You see it pop up, maybe you even half watch it, but you don't even finish it. And straight away something in you, oh, it tightens. Here we go again. Another thing I'm just doing wrong. Or worse, if I start listening to all the shit that she's sending me, I'm just gonna become a weak man. And just like that, what was actually an attempt from her to connect with you turns into resistance, defensiveness. It turns into another thing that creates more of a wall between the two of you. Now, men seem to think that the problem is her sending reels. But that's not the problem. It's the problem is what you're making those reels mean. Let's dive into today's episode, which is turning relationship reels into relationship gold. And the four things that you should get excited about from relationship reels. So if you're new here, this is Shut the Fuck Up and Listen. This is the podcast where I bring people from boy psychology, boy behavior to man behavior, then to better husband behavior. Our whole aim here at the podcast, my whole aim as a men's coach is to help you become a better husband. Because I truly believe, I truly believe that if we have a world where we have men and women more united in marriage, we can have a better world for all. Because I truly believe that if if we can unite men and women in this world, if we can actually have better unions, better marriages, the world in general will be better. Now, how do we do this? I think we need strong male role models, and we need, well, we definitely need stronger male role models. I don't think we've had strong male role models for a very long time. And that's what this podcast is trying to solve. So that's if you're new here, make sure you're following. And if you're returning, thanks so much for listening and supporting the podcast. Let's get into today's episode. So we're talking about relationship reels here. Now, you know, women were always going to send you reels, whether it's one of mine, whether it's another person's reel out there. And I want to attack four main angles. You know, some of them are mindset shifts for men, but some of them are really clear points, you know, for husbands out there to actually listen and make your relationship turn into gold. That's my whole point with this episode. So the first point that I want to make about relationship reels being absolute gold for you, and the first little mindset shift here is that, you know, a lot of men out there think that when they have to do everything their wife says, or when they get sent reels from their wives, like they think that it equates them being weak. They think it's emasculating, they think it's like pulling their sense of self down. You know, when she asks you to do something, you're you're like literally you have no power, and I have to do exactly what's said here. But that is such a fixed mindset. Now, if you've in my sphere, in my world, you know, I love growth and fixed mindsets. Growth and fixed mindsets are, you know, one mindset is everything is the way that it is, because that's just is the way that it is, you know. Like I grew up uh being like understanding that when something happens, that is just the way that it is. And a growth mindset goes, well, no, we can we can actually build towards something, we can actually change something here. So, you know, I I always look at this and and it's really, I mean, I go through growth and fixed mindsets in a little bit more detail. There's a whole lot more, but I don't want to make this whole episode about it, uh, the philosophy. But do have a look at it. Carol Dweck, growth and fixed mindsets there. There, it's amazing. But what's essentially happening here, and what I see, is you know, when she sends you something, you're just like, oh, nothing I do is ever good enough, or you get hit with this and you feel like it's an attack on your character. But the thing is, that I believe, or you know, that it's a thing that you feel makes you feel weak. But I believe here, what makes you weak is actually not being able to see the truth underneath it. Not being able to see the truth underneath it, not being able to actually ask more questions, not being able to turn this and go, you know what, like what is deeper in this? And we're gonna get to that in point number three is turning into talking about, you know, communication. But it's just not the case, you know, it's not the case. Like, I get this kind of comment all the time, like, ah, doing everything my wife asks me will make me into like a beta male, or you're a weak man if you just do what your wife asks you to, or I bet uh this the the one that really gets me is you know, like when people use language like uh simp, cuck, and you know, I bet you let other men have the way have your way with your wife, or things like this. Now, I think this line of thinking, you know, it's just this interesting thing where they where we we think, oh, if we listen to our wives, we're weak. But I actually think that's the weakness, right? Because what you're doing is you're actually putting your wife and you up into competition. You're going to you versus me. And, you know, if I listen to her, she wins. It's this whole boy thinking of fairness, right? If she sends me something, you know what? And this is another thing I see all the time with relationship reels, is like as soon as a woman sends a man a relationship reel, a boy here will then send her 10 relationship reels that say the opposite because he goes and finds them, not because he believes them, but because he finds them, because he doesn't like the fact that he's been attacked or his character has been attacked. But that comes back to the fixed mindset. We've got to get out of this fixed mindset. It is, it is not that. You want to look at this as an opportunity for growth. We're gonna talk about what that growth looks like in point number three in this podcast, but look at this as an opportunity for growth. This is and looking at things as an opportunity for growth is the greatest way that you can have strength. Where do you think strength comes from? Strength doesn't come from an inert talent from the beginning, strength comes from building the muscle of understanding this over time, right? Building the muscle of understanding this over time. There's a post I think I'm gonna put out uh, I think tomorrow or something like that. I've got the the script on the side here because this inspired me for this episode. But I've got a couple of points to a man that thinks that he is weak because his wife sends him things or asks him to do things. Like, number one, buddy, dude, you actually have a choice in your in in who you choose as a partner, right? So this whole thing of I'm gonna be emasculated and I have to do whatever she wants and I'm gonna have no balls, like you have a choice in that. If she is abusive or requests you to lose yourself or requests you to become someone you don't want to be, then leave. That's your fucking choice. But guess what? Most of you don't even have the balls to choose yourself, if that's the case. But here's where it's actually getting interesting, right? Where it's we're really interesting. Most men are not in that situation. When I pose that question to them, to the men that says, Oh, it sounds like she's abusing me. Nothing I do is ever good enough, I say, okay, fucking leave, right? And then they think about it and go, I would never want to leave. I would never want to leave. Aha. Stop thinking of you two as opponents, competitors in a ring, then. You must understand that your wife is your greatest team member and asset in your shared life team. You are her greatest asset and team member in her shared life team. And so anything that you two can do to get better as a team is going to make you better as a team. It's going to make you better. You've got to get to a place where you can actually trust that there is a reason why your wife is sending you these reels in the first place. Right? There is something underneath it. And I'm sorry, it is a weak line of thinking to dismiss a relationship reel and say, oh, what now? What is she gonna want me to do now? Without actually asking, why is she sending it to me in the first place? At least ask that question. At least have some respect for the team. Otherwise, you don't give a fuck for your team. And you may as well go. But if you don't have the balls to go, freaking grow. Go or grow. You have a choice, right? You always have a choice. There is and I think I think it's the weakest, most emasculating thing to think that to be that plastic bag man that just goes along with the wind and says that I'm a victim towards life. No, you are not a victim towards life. But you have chosen a partner who is trying to invest in your growth together, and you are actively trying to avoid that growth. I think that is one of the weakest things I know. I think that is one of the weakest things I know. I I think you should not, you know, when she sends you something, you don't want to assume she is emasculating you, you don't want to assume she is criticizing you, you don't want to assume she is attacking you. Okay? She is your greatest asset. Now, there's a lot of other things we want to talk about, but I'll go to point number two here. And point number two will be like why relationship reels are relationship gold. A woman who sends you reels, right, means that she's actually still interested in the relationship. Means that she's actually still interested in the relationship. This week alone I have had seven messages from men. This week alone I have had seven messages from men where they say, I just separated with my wife like last month or this week or three months ago, something in that kind of timeline. And you know, I've been now seeing your reels, and now it makes sense. And I've been to a therapist and and I tell her that I'm gonna change because I see it now. I see that I fucked up and I know that I fucked up, I know that I didn't give a shit about this. What do I do now? I'm sorry, buddy. Most of the time, 80% of the time, it is too fucking late to bring her back when she has checked out. You see, a woman, when she's trying to send you reels, she's still in the place where she's invested in the actual relationship. If she does not send you reels, I would be very worried. Because guess what? She's not invested in the growth of the relationship. She's most likely feeling one pretty fucking low, okay? And when a woman feels really low, like on self-esteem or thinking that anything that she says is gonna come up with defensiveness, anything she says is going to be, you know, brought in with you saying that you're having a personal attack, she also finds that exceedingly unattractive, and she doesn't want to find you unattractive, and so she just holds things inside. But then she holds it inside long enough that after a while she goes, you know what? I think I would be better without this. Then she gets quiet, and in that moment, you think, oh my god, we have peace. We're doing well. We're finally doing well. We're finally doing well. And then guess what? The divorce comes out of nowhere. That is the thing that I see. And so, you know, like I don't want to talk bad to the men that send me messages once they're separated. You know, there is growth that you can have in separation for your family, for your kids, future kids, for your future wife. That is lovely. But I would ideally, ideally hope that you would want to work on yourself before you get fucking separated. I would hope that, right? And if you don't want to, and if you think, oh, and if you've somehow listened to this and think that I'm talking shit, that's okay. But don't be surprised when or if it does happen. Don't be surprised, right? Now, that comes to a core thing here is women are very, very, very good when they're invested in something, they'll want to pull it forward. I believe from what I've seen and the patterns that I've seen, you know, and there are some scientists who back this up, some scientists who fight against it, but women do have a lot more forethought than men. You know, even if you look at uh when men do dangerous things, the studies show that if you ask, oh, men and women do dangerous things, let's say when they're even younger, and you ask a woman, did you know that this was the wrong thing to do? And she would be like, Yeah, I knew it was wrong, but I don't know why I did it. You know, I but I did it anyway, because I maybe I didn't have self-confidence, maybe I didn't have this, but I knew it was wrong, right? Whereas you ask a man sometimes if you knew something was wrong and he's like, nah, had no fucking idea, right? So there is there is often a forethought thinking that happens with women that doesn't happen with men, okay? And so that's one thing. We're gonna put that to the side. But if that is the case, right, that is going to mean that when she sees things that are wrong, relationship patterns that are wrong and things that they need to you you need to fix, she's going to send them to you because she believes in where the the the the the your your life ship or your your together plan, your journey together. She believes in where it's going. And if she sees it falling off a fucking cliff or being destroyed, she's going to want to change that. And she's going to send you reels to help you understand that. Okay? That is what she's going to do. And that is what I've seen over and over and over and over and over again. Now we're going to go to number three. This is a really important thing. She's going to send you reels, and how you can make relationship gold here is because you can use these reels as outsourced communication. You can use them as outsourced communication. So, one thing is like a lot of men and a lot of women, we we're not all studying relationship dynamics. I can tell you right now, one thing I know for a fact is that by studying relationship dynamics, by reading as many books as I can, by working and teaching and and sharing what I learn, I get into the space and I spend so much time in this space that it that you know like I'm informed by it. Okay. And so I form a language, and and my wife and I can benefit from that language, and it's brilliant, you know, it feels great. Not everyone's going to have that ability. You know, you you fucking might be a software engineer and your wife might be a nurse, and I don't know, like you just have don't have the time to be able to emotionally work on your language skills, right? And so what do you do? Use reels, relationship reels as outsource communication. So remember the point that I said in the first point. It's like, I think it's weak of a man to get defensive of a relationship real that's coming in without asking, where is this coming from, or what do you see in this that relates to you, right? Because you want to understand her language here. She's actually sending you that reel because it touched something inside her that resonates. That resonates. Okay. And so, like, really great questions for you to ask is is this how you feel? Right? What part of what I do in my behavior makes you feel this way? And you know, what part of this impacted you? Is this something you want more of? Right? Things like that. Those are wonderful inquisitive questions that show one that you're on the same team, two, you give a shit, three, you're not being defensive. You know, it's so easy. Or, you know, actually the four, number four, the big one, avoiding. You know, it's just hoping whatever she sends will stop and she will just stop being fucking crazy. It's not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen. These relationship reels are wonderful for outsourced communication. They're really going to help you start understanding better. Now, here's the big one. What about all the reels that you have, right, in your back pocket from from other influencers who say that women must just be soft? Yep. Women must be kinder to their men. Women must inspire their brilliance, inspire their magnificence, inspire their alpha male shit. Because there's a lot of noise out there in the world, right? A question I would ask you here. Question I would ask you here. Does this feel like it has verbalized something I've been feeling for a while? Number one. Because I can tell you from her, this would feel like something she's been verbalizing for a while, but you haven't listened to. So that's a big part. Or is it something new to you that you're like, oh, that would be convenient for me? Right? So you want to look at like, is this actually something you have felt before the reel, but now it's just given you the words for it? Or is it just a convenient counter-angle? Right? Because if it is just a convenient counter-angle, that is defensiveness. That is you completely trying to avoid what she is saying and win competition. But if it is the words that you had not been able to articulate until that point, that is communication. One is true, you know, using the tools that you have to communicate and be more on a team. The other one is attacking like a little fucking boy. That's the difference between those two. Now, if you hear something from someone and it is actually something you've communicated in and you feel this, then of course you want your wife to be able to have her ability to say, you know what, I would love to hear what part of that hits you too, right? And you'll be able to talk about it. But if you can't even talk about it without like being snarly, think like literally think about your body language as you send it. You like send it, are you sending it in anger or sending it in hope with love for the future, like for the for the further movement of your relationship? Are you sending it in a way that you want her to just shut the fuck up, right? That is not teamwork. You gotta look at you two as a team. And if you're not sending reels as a as a way to to get close together, you're sending them as a way to draw to like win. That's uh defensive boy behavior. We don't want that, right? I hope you see the difference there, and I hope you see how you can turn that into gold. Okay. Now the last thing that's gonna turn relationship reels into relationship gold is your interpretation of these, right? The strongest thing that I can see within a man is is like I said at the beginning, is his ability to want to grow. His ability to go, you know what, I think, you know, I think there's there's movement for us moving forward. I think there's there's a space where we can grow and and be build our lives together. And um, you know what, you you sending me these reels uh will actually sharpen me as a man. Will sharpen me as a man, right? You don't want to think the lines, she's criticizing me, she's she thinks I'm not enough, she's trying to control me. That is all internal. And that's what you're making this mean, right? Because if you actually were to ask her her point of view, she would say that it's for your relationship, right? Or she's really fucking pissed off that you've done, and it could even be for her, but she is 50% of the relationship. Like that's a large fucking percentage, right? So it is for the relationship. Change the angle. If she is sending you reels, there is something wrong with your relationship, and if there's something wrong with your relationship, there is work that you both can do to make it better. That is a much more powerful frame if you actually want to keep your relationship. It's a much more powerful reframe. Reframe, reframe, reframe. She's not criticizing you, she's not attacking you, she's not pulling you down. You don't have all of a sudden life is now shit because she just sent you something. No. These are just opportunities for you to grow. It is the most powerful thing you can do as a man. It makes you more attractive, it makes you more powerful, makes you have strength, makes you more endearing, it builds connection. There's nothing weak about it. Nothing weak about it. Last thing I want to say about this whole topic is like a lot of men, they always talk about how, oh, you know, I I'm not a mind reader. I'm not a mind reader, I have no idea what she wants. Uh, or just write me a list or anything like that. She's literally if she's literally sending you like content explaining what she wants, and you just think it's bullshit, you you you do not have any right to say that I can't read your mind or or you know, write me a list. Because she's already fucking given you the words, she's already given them to you. All you have to do is listen. All you have to do is listen. That is how you turn relationship reels and posts into relationship gold. That's the episode. That's all I got for you today. Just want you to remember you're not alone in this. Make sure you subscribe to stay connected, of course, and comment your win, you know, because every time a man sees other men winning, they don't feel alone anymore. And I love that. Tools are in the show notes, starting with the better husband in two minute emails. Let's build this together. I'll see you next week.