These Men Almost Lost Their Marriages (Here's What Changed) | EP 41

What if your marriage isn't broken and you just never learned what it actually takes?

Alessandro Frosali shares the five things men actually need to become better husbands, and he lets the men who've done the work speak for themselves. Real clients. Real marriages. Real results.

You'll hear from men who were sleeping on friends' couches, getting kicked out of the bedroom, and watching their families fall apart. Men who tried therapy, tried talking, tried everything, and still couldn't figure out why nothing was sticking. What changed for them isn't what you'd expect.

Alessandro talks about the gap between knowing you need to change and actually doing it. He breaks down why information alone never works, why most men are solving the wrong problem, and what it really looks like to take ownership of your marriage without losing yourself in the process.

Chapters:
00:02:18 - This Moment Changed Everything
00:04:07 - Why Going It Alone Is a Mistake
00:05:44 - Tools That Actually Move the Needle
00:08:12 - His Life Was Collapsing in Every Direction
00:10:31 - The Brick Wall Exercise 
00:13:05 - He Was Defensive Everyday BUT Didn't Know Why
00:14:48 - The Hidden Mental Load - Quietly Destroying the Team
00:16:22 - Hours Away From Losing His Family
00:19:09 - The Only Way Out
00:23:14 - Stop Blaming and Start Leading

If you feel defensive at home, disconnected from your partner, or like you're constantly reacting instead of leading, this episode was built for you. Alessandro shares the exact frameworks and tools he's used with dozens of men to shift how they show up, not just for their wives, but for themselves.

Press play and learn  the one shift that men say hit harder than years of therapy combined

Become a Better Husband in Just Two Minutes a Week for Free: HERE

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy. Always seek qualified guidance for your personal situation.

Views shared by Alessandro Frosali and his guests reflect their lived experiences and opinions. Every listener’s journey is unique, and no therapeutic relationship is created.

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Welcome back to Shut the Fuck Up and Listen. This is the podcast where we help you go from boy to man to better husband. And to celebrate the fact that I've literally got my Better Husband Academy launching next week, right? Number two, the second better husband academy I've ever run, I wanted to run through today the five things a man needs to become a better husband. Now I've gone through some of these before, you know, in this podcast, in my content, everywhere else. What I've never done, what I've never done is let other people speak it out loud based on the fact that I've already taught them some of this shit. That's brilliant, right? It's a great way for you to show that it's not just me who's speaking about it. It's like there's there's outside opinions and and and in and that this is so much bigger than just what I'm saying. It's it's out there already in the world. Because I had people go through my coaching, I've had people go through retreat, I've had people go through the Better Husband Academy, and all of these men have found five, I reckon, five major things that make them move forward and step into that better husband husband position. And that's what I want to help you get to today. So, one of these five, let's go through them all one by one, and we're gonna do it by first listening to a guy who just did the Better Husband Academy number one. Uh, this was Max. And uh let's hear what he had to say.

SPEAKER_02 1:22

I was really starting to feel, I guess, that I needed to make a change. I think in the past I I saw that I I needed to make changes, but I didn't really know what those looked like. And so I tried different things, but to no avail, really. And I it just kind of got to the point where it was like, okay, Max, you need help in a different way. I'd done lots of therapy, but it had never quite gone in the direction that I needed someone to kind of hold me accountable. I I had a big sensation of I need to be held accountable. I need to find some external thing which is going to hold me accountable. It's just it's not just going to ask me how I'm doing.

SPEAKER_04 2:00

And where would you say you are now? Like what's shifted?

SPEAKER_02 2:04

I would say just like far more responsibility. I feel such more of a sense of responsibility, one from my own life, and secondly and and my relationship, therefore, with myself, and and then how that impacts my relationship with my partner. But I feel like what the Husband Academy's helped me with so much is just to understand what my role is in the relationship. And when things do get difficult, what do I need to do there? How can I understand my partner better? And like just going through the modules so many times, it almost just kind of aligned with problems that happened in the relationship week by week. And I was like, wow, this is great! Like, um this is happening, and I would bring something in, and I would notice like this really different reaction from my or response from my partner, and like and and I just felt like confident. I felt like I actually knew what I needed to do in different situations, and yeah, so a a huge change in that sense. Um, firstly, as I said, for myself and my own responsibility towards my own life, and then how that impacts on my relationship. Yeah, also like a deep sense of gratitude towards towards you for for this this course, it's really helped me.

SPEAKER_04 3:22

All right, so that was Max. Now, what do you think is the number one thing underneath what he was saying? Well, it's it's this whole idea of accountability and responsibility. And I really see that in his journey. And it's not just something that you find within yourself. You know, the reason why we do this work in men's circles, and the reason why even in the academy, I'm, I, I bring it in as group work is because we as men really struggle when we feel like we're alone on an island and we're the only one dealing with this issue. And the moment we hear somebody else around the other side of the world is dealing with the same issue, in actual fact, their wives are saying the same words, and you realize I'm not an idiot. It's just something is not clicking. And you hear that, the sense of catharsis is huge, right? It's huge. And you can just see this is some other men that have actually written here. I'll read it out loud for you. I asked men what was the number one thing that was great about the academy for them. And they said the group sessions with you. They just tie things in. That's what one guy said. Another one said the most meaningful was when X, and I'm gonna take out his name, uh, was reaching out when I hit rock bottom, getting kicked out of my bedroom for a week. Several other people reached out at that moment also. It helped sanity check me and that it wasn't catastrophic. Brilliant. And then another one, knowing that there were others in similar situations and reading about their experiences. Also, the videos were great. Uh, final one for this one is I think doing it as a group was huge. I really felt connected and motivated to see other men in similar situations as me. If this was just a course that I bought and self-paced solo, it wouldn't have had the same traction as it did. So there you go. It's this, it's this responsibility and accountability for something a little bit more than just indulging in that bullshit and going, how are you doing today? And just saying that you're doing okay, everything that you're doing. Sometimes we need to s have somebody check us, have somebody challenge us, have somebody see us for reality so that we can make that change and take ownership within our own lives. All right. So that that's number one. It's like this accountability, responsibility, and doing it as a group rope, like as a brotherhood. That's number two. Let's have a look.

SPEAKER_00 5:31

But what you have is is amazing. It's amazing content. I really thought it was fantastic. Your your uh metaphors and analogies. I love that, by the way. Very good. Well, they're also really helpful. The regulation aspect of things too, having a lot of those tools in there, the meditations and the breath work. It's a lot. It's a lot of different great tools. So it's gonna have to be reworked and in and processed through.

SPEAKER_04 5:56

So that was just a short video by by Ryan over here. And um, and really what he's talking about is the tools. You know, we men as uh I think something that we need to become a better husband is tools. You know, I had somebody on our community chat even just yesterday say to me, Alessandro, I just wish you could have an AI bot that could tell me what to say to my wife. And sometimes I'm like, I'm never gonna go that level of going there because it has to come from you. But, you know, it shows to the level that we, you know, we men really love these tools. And so that's one thing that I bring up over and again, whether it's through metaphor, whether it's through story, whether it's through breathing regulation, whether it's through um even physical ideas, and then it's meditation. Sometimes everyone's a little bit different as to what the exact tool is going to be that's going to make this all click, but we need a wide variety of them that we can try, test, and then work on within our marriage and then see it happen. It's very actionable, and I believe that's a huge thing that men need. These were some of the other things that were said about it. The when I asked men in the academy what was great about the academy, the video module sessions, AF does a great job. The module about the nervous system. I think the explanations in this module made so much sense to me. Yes, the nervous system is such a huge thing, and once we understand it, we understand the tools behind it. It's brilliant. And then another guy, he just went off and spoke about all the different tools, my shit versus her shit. Helped me to stop trying to make things fair or equal, helped me to take ownership in my part without weighing and balancing my scales, how she was handling hers. The ship and the south side slash northside man were meaningful. It helped me reframe my understanding of my responsibilities for my family and myself. It gave me a clear picture to orient my understanding, regulation and breath work, noticing the red button and not pressing it, the brick wall. It gave me so much more understanding of what my wife has been going through and to help me emphasize more. Can I just pretty much say all of it? Well, that's the interesting thing. When have you ever had a 60 video thing where you can actually even remember so many different concepts that come out? Well, you you don't normally, because some a lot of the times, you know, a lot of people will just give you information. Well, men don't just need information. We need actionable tools that can make things happen. And I believe that's one of the major things that men need when they want to become a better husband. All right, so what's the next one?

SPEAKER_01 8:19

Here we go. It's a game changer. Yeah, I think you you completely changed my life. The past, at the time I was really, really low on energy, I was low in self-esteem. I was not working out. My son was in a bad path, so he was talking very, very badly, especially to me and his mom. With my wife, we are not talking, we are just arguing all the time. It was very, very uh a dark spot. So my company was trying to run and it was more falling than running, and it was very, very, uh, very tough. So on each aspect of my life, everything was was kind of uh collapsing. And uh I send you a message on Instagram, we start discussing, we start having a first session where you start rewiring me, I had feel, and start changing my vision first of myself, and that was a total game changer because I start seeing the pattern, seeing the things that it was not the world's thoughts but mine. So I change my entire vision of the world, my entire vision of myself. I start working out, I start becoming more patient also with my son. So I now he's such a lovely kid saying I love you all day long is uh day and night compared to uh to what it was. I am now more confident with my wife, it's already a total change. And uh and uh my company starts running, we start hiring, we start having some more and more things. Instead of collapsing, we are starting, starting to become a scale-up and starting to uh to uh take out from the ground and and uh and grow. And uh this was uh this was a game changer. You I think you uh you completely changed my life.

SPEAKER_04 9:59

I absolutely love seeing that video. So that was uh a man named Greg, and he did not do the Better Husband Academy. In actual fact, he's speaking about this rewiring and this tool because he was one of my first ever clients. And the reason why I'm even bringing him up in here is because with him, I actually developed something known as the wall, the brick wall. And this was a tool that I um I've been using ever since. And I've I've made it actually the core of the Better Husband Academy because of how much change it made in men's lives, like Greg over here. Because the thing is, it wasn't just about, you know, our marriage. A lot of the times, every area in our life where our life is actually feeling like it's it's closing in, so to speak, right? Is often because of our mindset. And so one of the things we we men need to become a better husband is to realize that we can take action within our lives. In actual fact, the world around us is a direct reflection of our actions, or at least our world around us is a direct reflection of our own actions and it's liberating. A lot of people would say, you can't say that, Alessandra. That's ridiculous because you know, I'm not the one who's at fault. Take away the word fault. You are the one in control of how good or how bad your life is. It's liberating. And that is what I do in this brick exercise in the Better Husband Academy. And it goes a lot more in depth, but it allows you to actually take charge of your relationship, yours and your wife's, right? Even you can see here from other men that they really liked the brick wall. Uh, here's what other men had to say. Realizing the brick wall between us, this is what they loved about the academy, the unmet needs I didn't think of, that I had my priority wrongs, and taking ownership of my pile, the wall of bricks and the unmet needs, because it is so simple, yet it is so uh yet so good fitting. It puts every argument and situation in a different view. It helps to understand the bigger picture instead of focusing on the tiny bits of each single argument. And the final one, the brick wall, the fixed versus growth mindset and the roller coaster analogy. These things really landed, and I find myself reflecting on these tools often. So, yes, this is another tool, but I think it's such a groundbreaking tool that it needs to be uh there as like number three of what makes gonna make you a better husband is understanding that you can change the world around you. And uh and I do that in the Better Husband Academy through this brick wall exercise. It's very, very um important. Very important to do that. We got two more, two more things that are gonna make you a really good husband. And um, let's see what Matt has to say here.

SPEAKER_03 12:42

My name is Matt. I was really struggling with my relationship at home with my wife and becoming the dad I wanted to be. I felt defensive a lot of the time, and our communication just wasn't working well. Conversations would quickly turn into misunderstandings, tension, or overreaction mostly by me. Working with Alessandro helped me to see what was actually getting in the way. We worked specifically on communication, defensiveness, and how to turn up in my home life and be present. He was able to tell me how I could listen, how I could respond, and how I could stay open rather than defensive, and this alone made a huge difference. One of the biggest shifts was starting to see my wife and child as part of the same team as me rather than problems to solve. And again, this changed uh everything. Things aren't yet perfect, but they're real calmer and far more connected. I feel more confident, more present, and much more aligned with the kind of husband and father I want to be. If you're stuck or struggling in relationships, I cannot recommend Alessandra's coaching enough. There we go.

SPEAKER_04 13:40

If anyone's seeing the video version, I love the the the wrong spelling of my name, d'Alessandra. I should keep that for the future. All right. So um Matt here was really great. I actually, um again, he was another one of the coaching clients that I had actually before the academy that helped inform the academy for me because what I learned with him was I I developed a tool called the rug uh exercise. And in that is in one of the modules of the academy. And it helps us actually understand not just our world, but the world of the team, of our relationship beyond us. And it helps us understand what we've been sweeping under the rug, so to speak. And what this does is it helps us understand mental load. Because the thing is we hear mental load over and over again. You've probably even seen some of my content talk about mental load, and yet you still look at it and you go, what is this amorphous blob of a bullshit thing that the world and feminists and women are saying, right? But what I want to do, what's gonna make you a good husband is understanding that it's actually very actionable within your life. It's very actionable if you start looking at it from what's your point of view, her point of view, and kids under the age of 18. And if you start looking at it as the team unit, you can actually make changes that will benefit the team, not just your wife, not just your kids, you included, because you're part of that team. Right? Here were what's some uh here were some of the other things that other men had to say when I asked them what was good in the academy. It helped me clear doubts around how far I want to go in our relationship. I was worried I would lose myself, but the academy helped me gain confidence that the investment and risk taking is worth it. It is, it's worth it to invest in yourself, to invest in your team, your relationship, you, her, and kids under the age of 18. Of course, kids over the age of 18, I explain where they fit as well within the priority hierarchy, but that you know what I'm talking about here. We're talking about better husbands here. Can't make us better in everything right now. Uh, another one said, the first couple of three modules, I've never had any therapy before, nor done any self-reflection. So these modules were a real eye-opener into a whole new world for me. They also touched on many truths for me and conveyed a real understanding of relationship issues. Yes, it's conveying these truths. We are part of a team, and if we understand this, and if we can actually have the right ways of understanding this, we can become that better husband that we want to be. All right, the final one's a big one. So let's get to it. Let's uh let's see what Dan has to say over here.

SPEAKER_05 16:17

So my wife and I were on the edge of divorce a couple of months ago. We have two kids, we were fighting so much to the point where I was getting kicked out of the house, like having to call friends at like 10 p.m. Like, hey, can I come sleep over? The course saved my marriage, saved our relationship. The brilliance of it is that Alessandro is really good at explaining like concepts. Like my wife could tell me something like for six years straight, and I wouldn't understand. And Alessandro could say it in like one session and it it just sticks. It's like very easy to understand. And for me personally, I had no I really didn't understand um the feminine. I didn't understand my wife, like why was she saying this, but like meaning this, or why was she talking about things like way in the past when I thought it was like already good. Once I had a understanding, it's like I could connect more with her and see what she was going through. Before, when I didn't have this understanding, I was always being very defensive, always thinking she was attacking me, attacking my character, attacking me in the soul, and it was so painful or hurtful that I had to attack back sometimes. So just my approach to the relationship is is much different now, and it's less like childish. One more like powerful thing in the course at the end, there's this um basically how to understand how the brain works. And through this framework, I could see where I had some blockages or where I had some core beliefs that were not serving me anymore, and how to pretty much like rewire it so that I was no longer like the little boy trying to defend himself, or and whereas I could just be the man present with my wife. And if we have a problem, then it could be discussed without being like, well, you didn't do that, and I did this, and you're not grateful, and pointing fingers. Is is it's just really helped me be more centered, I would say. This course helped me become more centered, and that has changed everything.

SPEAKER_04 18:21

All right, love what Dan is saying over there. So, what is the final thing that you need to become a better husband? And this for me really is a rewiring of an understanding of yourself, right? It's an understanding of yourself. There's a reason why I always wear the path is within on my chest, is because a lot of the information and all the information that you're gonna find in all of this comes from within you, right? I am but a guide to help bring out you onto this. So it's not even like to be a better husband, it's not to appease your wife. That's what we all think. We think, oh, okay, I don't want to be a better husband because it means I'm gonna have to drop on my hands and knees and just say yes to everything. No, that's probably half the reason why you've gotten into the bad situation in the fucking first place. We're not talking about that. We're talking about making your own judgments, making your own pathway, making your own mark, but at the same time, right, understanding why you've made decisions as you go along. Now, Dan, in in this, he's actually talking about a specific tool that I use because I did an NLP course at one point. And and you know, NLP gets a gets a bad rap because it can very quickly change how you think. And and people, like coaches like Tony Robbins or anything like that, could use this. I mean, whenever there's been any bad press about him, it's always been around the line that he could use it or make you change your mind very quickly on something, right? Because he's using these tools on you. And for me, I actually don't necessarily like that approach. I love to use tools with you because, again, the path is within. So within the academy, I developed a tool and created a tool uh called the mind's operating system. And what this does is it allows you, right, to work on yourself and work on your own limiting beliefs and work on your own things inside. I mean, I had one guy even in the academy, uh, I have it as an example video in there. He says that this one half hour that I did with him did more or got quicker to the actual point of a lot of his issues around avoiding, around passivity and everything like that. It did quicker than six years of therapy. Now, I'm not saying like, don't go to therapy for six years. I'm just saying, like sometimes we just need to use the right ways to understand ourselves. And I truly believe that this work is powerful. And that's why I believe if you want to be a better husband, you've got to find a way. Find a way to understand yourself. Find a way to understand why you get defensive. Even Dan in this video is talking about, you know, he feels like he was that little boy always fighting back. Well, yeah, I mean, a lot of the times we do have boy behaviors within us and we want to move to those healthy man behaviors. But if we one, don't know what they are, two, don't even know ourselves enough as to why we get triggered or anything like that, we're gonna keep repeating the same patterns. And so if you want to be a better husband, you have to know yourself. You have to go back deeper within, find the answer. Let's see what a couple of other people had to say about it. One guy said, becoming aware of the underlying reasons why my relationship was in difficulty, I was oblivious to why contribution to the problem before and the to why contribution, maybe my contribution uh to the problem before, and the way Alessandra presents and explains, separating the person from their behavior, allow me to understand, properly understand, be kind to myself, and now try to move forward. Another one, all the exercises help me to sit back to deep reflections rather than focusing on just surface issues. And finally, the Academy has provided insight into my behavior and how that is seen and impacts my wife. Being able to unlock these insights in a space that is free from judgment, that's also a very important thing, right? They're free from judgment and full of support has been nothing short of life-changing. Right? Now, when I read you all of these, it's not to pat myself on the own back. It's it's to go that these are the certain things that we need to become better husbands. And now, I've just put it gone ahead and put it all into one academy. And I truly believe that if you do this academy, it'll give you those tools to become that better husband that you want to be. I truly believe that. However, if you're not going to go through the academy, you've still got to find a way to do these things, right? Otherwise you're still going to be in a position where you you're you're struggling, the the marriage is is is deteriorating. And you got to find them some way or another. That can be with me or the academy or, you know, continue going along that journey and I truly wish you luck with it. But if you really feel the call and the pull and the urge to to to to step forward, I hope you can see with literally the words of other people, why this is a brilliant option for that. Now let me talk logistically about the Better Husband Academy. I open it two times a year. It's open right now. So if you're watching this before May 14th, it's open right now until May 14th and then the doors closed for another six months and you won't be able to get in until January 2027. Okay, so open it two times a year. Anyway, that's the Better Husband Academy. Would love to see you in there this year and this time round. Otherwise I'll see you a little bit later and good luck becoming a better husband. Take care. That's the episode. That's all I got for you today. Just want you to remember you're not alone in this. Make sure you subscribe to stay connected of course and comment your win, you know, because every time a man sees other men winning, they don't feel alone anymore and I love that. Tools are in the show notes, starting with the better husband in two minute emails. Let's build this together. I'll see you next week.