Why Your Marriage Feels STUCK (The Spaghetti Method) EP 47

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What if the problem isn't your wife? It's your pattern.

Host Alessandro Frosali breaks down what he calls the spaghetti method. It's a brutal, practical mindset shift that exposes why you feel trapped in the same loop with your wife, the same arguments, the same walls, no matter how hard you swear you're trying. 

He gets real about a moment in his own marriage where his pattern of avoidance almost ended everything, including the night he had to admit he'd quietly drained thousands of euros from their wedding fund.

You will hear why your brain might be choosing to keep you stuck. You will learn why staying in a dysfunctional pattern can feel safer than facing what scares you. And you will hear the two specific shifts that pulled Alessandro and his wife back from their worst moment as a couple.

Chapters:
00:01:03 - The Marriage Loop You’re Stuck In
00:03:06 - The 30-Minute Money Challenge
00:04:11 - Your Brain Goes to Roadblocks First
00:05:51 - What the Spaghetti Method Actually Means
00:06:42 - When the Old Pattern Stops Working
00:07:30 - The Mistake That Broke Trust
00:08:17 - Avoidance Became the Real Problem
00:09:56 - What Finally Broke the Loop
00:11:48 - Your Behaviors Are Trapping You
00:12:09 - Why Change Feels More Dangerous
00:14:23 - Why Men Avoid the Hard Truth
00:15:30 - The Thing You Don’t Want to Face
00:17:14 - Change the Frame of Your Life
00:20:24 - Stop Repeating What Doesn’t Work
00:21:00 - There Are Infinite Ways to Get to 10
00:23:08 - The Rat Experiment About Hope

If you've convinced yourself you've tried everything and nothing works, this episode is going to challenge that belief hard. Alessandro lays out exactly why repeating the same move guarantees the same outcome, and what it actually takes to throw something new at the wall.

Stay for the rat experiment near the end. It sounds insane, but it might be the single most important reframe you hear all year.

Press play and learn why trying harder isn't the answer. Trying differently is.

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Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy. Always seek qualified guidance for your personal situation.

Views shared by Alessandro Frosali and his guests reflect their lived experiences and opinions. Every listener’s journey is unique, and no therapeutic relationship is created.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Alessandro Frosali: What if every single problem in your marriage, and maybe even in your life, was just you not trying hard enough? Well, okay, let me take that back. Maybe it's not you trying hard enough, but maybe you not trying enough times. It's kind of like that image or that metaphor that we've always seen online, you know that little guy that's digging and digging and digging, and just before he finds the diamond, he turns back around.

[00:00:22] Alessandro Frosali: Well, today I wanna give you some practical ways that we can actually use this analogy, because you might be saying, "Alessandro, I've fucking tried it all, [00:00:30] so shut the fuck up." Well, now I'm gonna tell you to shut the fuck up and listen to this, because this might just be the thing that helps you with your marriage, gives you that mindset shift, and also helps you with every other area of your life.

[00:00:42] Alessandro Frosali: Welcome to this spaghetti method. Let's do it. I'm Alessandro Frasali, and this is Shut the Fuck Up and Listen: From Boy to Man to Better Husband. I truly believe that at the end of this episode, you'll see that life is not necessarily just about, the, the loops that you're in right now.

[00:00:57] Alessandro Frosali: Because let me, let me paint a picture for you. If you're on this [00:01:00] podcast, and specifically if you're in any kind of, difficulty within your marriage, you're probably within a cycle. Now, let's even paint that picture a little bit further. Maybe you're in a cycle where your wife is criticism and contempt, right?

[00:01:12] Alessandro Frosali: And you are defensiveness and stonewalling and difficulty to have emotional regulation. You both aren't regulated, and you both don't see eye to eye, right? Am I getting a little close to the mark? Okay. Let's imagine even in your work life, you're in a loop where you're [00:01:30] feeling like work is getting a little bit stuck.

[00:01:32] Alessandro Frosali: It's getting a little bit... You know, you're not really progressing anywhere, or maybe you're not even focusing on work. You know, whatever it is, you're in these patterns that have been lasting for years and years and years. And you can say, "But I've been trying, Alessandro. I've been trying. What's going on?"

[00:01:46] Alessandro Frosali: Well, let's open up our mind a little bit today, because I truly believe if we have this mindset shift here of the spaghetti method, then we can do anything. So I want you to imagine [00:02:00] that, everything in life is about motion and is about the action of throwing things on the wall and seeing if they stick.

[00:02:10] Alessandro Frosali: So I had a business circle the other day. I, I run the Mallorca Men's Community, so if anyone ever listens to this and, um, and uh, and is in Mallorca, you can try and send me a message. I get a lot of messages, but I, I will see it. If you tell me you wanna join the Mallorca Men's Circle or the Mallorca Men's Community, let me know.

[00:02:26] Alessandro Frosali: But I run this community, and I ran a [00:02:30] business circle the other night, 'cause one thing about me that you might not know is like I... Don't get me wrong, I love my relationship. I also love business. I freaking love business. I, I... And not in a sense of like I love money or, or this. I love solving problems. Like it's so exciting for me to solve- Problems.

[00:02:46] Alessandro Frosali: That's, in actual fact, that's one thing that I think most people don't realize about me is, like, everything that I'm doing here, right, even in the relationship stuff or anything like that, it's, it's solving problems. It's like finding a problem and solving it. I think that [00:03:00] came back from my filmmaking days because I used to be a director there, and I found like, like filmmaking was just solving problems.

[00:03:06] Alessandro Frosali: So anyway, let me get back to, get back to this, this business circle I ran. And I, I gave everyone, like, an exercise. I was just like, "So if you had to make a whole bunch of money in 30 minutes, what would you do?" Right? And almost every single person-- I saw this from Jamie C Official. she's a great, like, money coach or whatever.

[00:03:25] Alessandro Frosali: And I liked it because it's a lateral thinking exercise, so we start thinking outside the [00:03:30] box. I remember when I... Like I've had a lot of lives, you know. I, I, I, I ran a, a bunch of different companies. I've, I've been a musician, I've been a filmmaker, I've been... Uh, I ran an NFT company. Oh, God, never fucking talk about this NFT company.

[00:03:43] Alessandro Frosali: Worst thing I ever did in my life. I've, you know, run social media agencies. I've run a whole bunch of different things. Everything is, like, diverse and broad, okay? And so my brain was really trained in lateral thinking. And then I think this is, was my superpower when everything happened in the relationship because [00:04:00] essentially, well, I kept having to move forward and think laterally to how we were gonna solve this problem, getting back to the loops and everything there.

[00:04:09] Alessandro Frosali: I gave this exercise to the business circle, and I'm like, "Okay.

[00:04:11] Alessandro Frosali: Guys, I want you to think laterally. How could you make a lot of money in a, in a certain period of time?" And nearly every single person went to roadblocks, right? the exact, question was, "If you could make 10,000 in 30 minutes, what would you do? How would you do, make 10,000 in 30 [00:04:30] minutes?"

[00:04:30] Alessandro Frosali: And everybody thought of like, "This is impossible. It's impossible. There's lack, lack, lack, lack, lack," right? Uh, one person even went to prostitution. Another one was like, "I would rob a bank." And yet, interestingly enough Only one person I think out- in the group was like starting to think of what they could do within their business that would actually create this kind of money.

[00:04:49] Alessandro Frosali: Now, the point is not to try and make 10,000 in 30 minutes. For most people in the world, that's actually incredibly difficult. But the point is to start and change and think laterally, because [00:05:00] the moment we think laterally, right, we can start to come up with other solutions that we never thought of. And I was just like, did none of us actually think of calling the richest person that we know and asking them how they would do it?

[00:05:14] Alessandro Frosali: Because you would learn something from that, right? And it... And now, anyway, at the end of all this, everyone sort of started looking at their businesses from like a, a different point of view, and a whole bunch of, uh, guys sent me a message afterwards going, "Oh my gosh, I thought about a lot of different things, and that's exciting [00:05:30] for me 'cause I can think of all these different things."

[00:05:31] Alessandro Frosali: Anyway, how does this relate to your fucking relationship? Well, the same has to happen in your relationships because what you're doing is you're getting stuck in that defensiveness, criticism, contempt cycle, okay? And you're, all you're doing is doing the same thing over and over again and saying, "Look how hard I'm trying."

[00:05:51] Alessandro Frosali: Now, let's get back to the spaghetti method. What is it? Well, I truly believe that what we do is we throw spaghetti on the wall to see what sticks. That is what life is. [00:06:00] We can only have a life of trial and error. Our whole life is trial and error. We try something, "Mm, that didn't work. Let's try something else."

[00:06:08] Alessandro Frosali: Okay? That's what everything in life is. The unfortunate thing is we can get stuck doing certain things when life requires something else of us, okay? And so when we're getting into this loop and you say you're trying something, well, that spaghetti that had been stuck on the wall for your relationship, which was maybe you being, absent or maybe you [00:06:30] not really, pushing through with everything, if we're, if I'm speaking to the men here, that spaghetti has fallen to the floor, but you're standing there going, "Maybe that spaghetti will crawl itself back up onto the wall one day and it'll stick again."

[00:06:42] Alessandro Frosali: No, you have to find something else. You have to throw something else on there. I'll give you now an example from my marriage. Before Julia and I got married... Oh, fucking I'll talk about the fucking NFT company. Why not? 'Cause I hate this thing. I, just a bad lesson, [00:07:00] but I needed to learn it. I, um, I tried to run an NFT company and, I got allured by all the, the hype from everyone saying, "Oh, you're gonna make money doing this."

[00:07:09] Alessandro Frosali: And so I, I, I built this company, which was a really good idea, but essentially I had invested of my own money, like 60,000 euro, and I got investors to invest 50,000 euro each. And then on the launch day... Well, so what happened in that I actually, Oh, fuck, like On launch [00:07:30] day-- 

[00:07:30] Alessandro Frosali: the 60,000, I was supposed to only do 50,000, but we had a wedding fund, and I started investing from the wedding fund 'cause I was just believed in this product so much. I believed in what we were gonna do. I believed in how it was gonna set us up for the future. I believed in all of it. And so I started using our wedding fund without Julia know-knowing about it, and awful.

[00:07:51] Alessandro Frosali: Worst thing I did, right? And essentially, what had happened from this was the day we launched, we got hacked and [00:08:00] everything was gone. And it was only in the weeks after this that Julia found out about, about it 'cause I told her and, and we were at our worst stage ever. So not only had I failed like completely, absolutely completely in the business, I'd failed the trust within Julia and I, in our marriage.

[00:08:17] Alessandro Frosali: Um, she was completely-- Yeah, it was just awful. And you know what? The major reason why I didn't even wanna tell her about it in the first place? 'Cause I was scared. I was scared of her reactions. [00:08:30] I was scared. So avoiding everything under the rug, and I was scared that she would be upset rather than even just having a conversation.

[00:08:38] Alessandro Frosali: So this pattern of avoiding and avoiding, avoiding just got so big that it was just like, it, it turned into this. So everything happened, and Julia and I were gonna break up. She literally was like, "I'm out the door." And then she had this, this moment and, and something changed within her. So here's an [00:09:00] interesting thing.

[00:09:00] Alessandro Frosali: What we had done from that point, like the whole point, I would say the spaghetti that we'd thrown on the wall, I'd thrown on this avoidance spaghetti and like, "Look, if I avoid it, we're gonna be okay." And she'd thrown on this like, "You know what? When I find something, I'll, I'll criticize," kind of spaghetti.

[00:09:17] Alessandro Frosali: And she changed things up. She actually said, "I feel like there's stuff that you're not telling me." And so she threw a different spaghetti onto the wall. She actually came and listened to me in that moment, which was something which was amazing within our marriage. [00:09:30] And I was able to share with her all the feelings and everything that I'd felt over the last couple years, the mistakes I feel like we'd made that I hadn't been able to feel like I could share.

[00:09:38] Alessandro Frosali: And This was beautiful, but then I threw a different spaghetti because of that as well. I threw a different spaghetti on the wall, which was, "You know what? I'm gonna take on what she says, and I'm gonna face my avoidance patterns and my lying patterns and things like this." And so we started throwing new things onto the wall rather than the old ones.

[00:09:56] Alessandro Frosali: And what this did was it started allowing me to see that [00:10:00] those two different actions, one different one from me, ownership, and, you know, complete seeing, and from her, this ability to actually hear me, right? When those two things happened, we both were able to start changing this up a little bit, start thinking laterally.

[00:10:17] Alessandro Frosali: I started looking at the rest of my life and started seeing, "Oh, shit, if, if I just sweep under the rug," which was part of that old pattern, "we're gonna have the same thing happen over and over again. So let me try something new. How about when I [00:10:30] actually feel something awful, when I actually wanna s- like when I, when I feel like, I want to hide and run, how about I actually try something else, throw a different piece of spaghetti on the wall, which is trust?

[00:10:42] Alessandro Frosali: How about I actually trust that she's not gonna get angry at me? And how about I actually try something else? Even if she does get angry at me, I'm, I'm gonna allow myself to not ever close up again, because that was what led to the, the past," right? And so we trained ourselves in lateral thinking, and we trained [00:11:00] ourselves in doing different things, and then eventually, right, these different behaviors got us out of that loop.

[00:11:05] Alessandro Frosali: So what you wanna look for is, are you standing at a wall where you threw an action at that wall, right? And y- the aim is to get the spaghetti to stick to the wall, right? Are you doing the same action? The spaghetti's not sticking. And are you standing looking at it going, "I just hope this will fix itself.

[00:11:24] Alessandro Frosali: I just hope it will change." Right? Are you doing that? If so, think [00:11:30] laterally. Start breaking outside of your usual behaviors. No more of the insane pattern will make it less insane. Do you know what I mean? Like it's... Stop trying to do the same thing over and over again to achieve a different result. You have to think outside the box.

[00:11:48] Alessandro Frosali: Have to think outside the box. Now, this is the thing. You are not trapped in your situation. Your behaviors are trapping you in that situation. So change your behaviors. Change your [00:12:00] behaviors. It's like, yeah. And what I really wanna end up with this is like, why are we stopping this? Like, why are we not moving forward?

[00:12:09] Alessandro Frosali: Why are we not changing our behaviors? All of these kind of things. Now, there's a couple of reasons, right? There's a couple of huge reasons why we don't throw more spaghetti onto the wall, so to speak. Number one, there's a book called "The Courage to Be Disliked," which teaches you about Alfred Adler and his Adlerian, like, psychology, and I really like it, and it makes the case that Essentially to be in a [00:12:30] situation that we're in right now, it is more comfortable than what you perceive the change, uh, is gonna be for you.

[00:12:37] Alessandro Frosali: Okay? I, I might give a couple of examples to try and help us understand this. So let's say, so he-- In this book, "The Courage to Be Disliked," they give an actual really beautiful example, which is this, that a guy, a young guy, he becomes a hypochondriac, and he gets stay-- and he stays inside his house the whole time.

[00:12:53] Alessandro Frosali: And the, the philosopher makes the point that he actually wants to be a [00:13:00] hypochondriac. And then the, the person who's bringing the, presenting the case going, "Why the fuck would somebody want to become a hypochondriac?" I, I hope I'm using the word hypochondriac right. I might have to check that out because I have no idea.

[00:13:09] Alessandro Frosali: But essentially, he's a guy that, like, gets terrified of the, the rest of the outside world, or at least creates a condition that he's terrified of the outside world, or is inflicted with a condition that he is terrified of the outside world. But the, the schools of thinking is that the mind is so strong is that it wants to keep us safe.

[00:13:27] Alessandro Frosali: Okay? So let's imagine [00:13:30] you all of a sudden say, "I can't leave the house. I just can't leave the house." Like, "Whenever I leave the house, this happens to me." So the philosopher will make the point when you're dealing with Adlerian psychology, very different to what the person would. The person would say, "I'm a victim of this."

[00:13:45] Alessandro Frosali: Right? "I am stuck in this. I can't do anything about this. My body involuntarily does this." Right? Whereas the philosopher would say, "Well, no, you, you kind of choose that, or you subconsciously choose that because [00:14:00] subconsciously

[00:14:00] Alessandro Frosali: you believe, right, that it is safer to stay inside the house than it is to face the outside world. It is safer to stay inside the house than it is to face the outside world." 

[00:14:11] Alessandro Frosali: The Adlerian psychology is basically that you are saying that it's safer to be in your predicament rather than going past it. Now let's, let's equate this to marriage relationships, right?

[00:14:23] Alessandro Frosali: How can you say, "Well, I'm safer to be in a dysfunctional marriage than to, to get a functional marriage"? That, [00:14:30] that's bullshit, Alessandro. Well, it's not. It's not

[00:14:32] Alessandro Frosali: I speak to men that rather than facing the discomfort of whatever's happened to them in their past, rather than facing their shadows, they would avoid everything under the rug, right? Let's even look at the story that I told at the beginning, right? Why didn't I tell Julia? Why didn't I tell Julia that I had put over 10,000 euros of our wedding funds into a company that was exceedingly volatile?

[00:14:58] Alessandro Frosali: Why didn't I [00:15:00] not do that? Why did I not do that, right? Because that would be what would creating function within a relationship, truth and honesty. But I didn't do truth and honesty because it was harder for me to face potentially being wrong or judged or a failure within the business

[00:15:18] Alessandro Frosali: In her eyes, it was harder for me to face that than it was to actually do the right thing. So this is very beneficial for you as men right here, right? Why do we not go and throw something else onto the wall? Why do we not try something new in the relationship? [00:15:30] Because you're not wanting to face something you don't like about yourself.

[00:15:34] Alessandro Frosali: So you don't wanna face something you don't like about yourself. I don't like to be judged. I don't like to be told I'm not enough. I don't like whatever this is. I don't know what it is for you. And you know what? We could have a coaching session, and we could fucking bang around for 10 years. You could do it with a therapist for 10 years trying to find out exactly what it is.

[00:15:52] Alessandro Frosali: Or you can know there is some shit you don't wanna face, and you can start facing it. Now, how the fuck do you face it? Now, that [00:16:00] sounds incredibly hard, right? Well, facing it is one, acknowledging that it's there, and moving in spite of it to the thing you know you need to do. Okay? You don't have to name what this deep, dark shit is from your past.

[00:16:14] Alessandro Frosali: You just have to acknowledge and recognize that it is there. It is there. We all have it. If you constantly know you should do something, but you do something else instead, you have some shit you gotta face. You have some shit [00:16:30] you gotta face. Full fucking stop. Okay? Full fucking stop. So that's one thing that stops us from the spaghetti.

[00:16:38] Alessandro Frosali: Shit, I blended the two in. I was gonna have two things. It was gonna be, like, this whole thing that it's safer than, than the, the, that, and the other thing was we're all paralyzed by fear. But I've noticed, 'cause I've r- just looked at my notes here, and I've got the two things. One is the Adlerian psychology, the other one's fear.

[00:16:53] Alessandro Frosali: It's, it's all fear. The other part of it is fear, okay? The other thing stopping you from doing that is, like, the perceived fears of what a new [00:17:00] action will bring, which is kind of the same as what we just explained, okay? I even just did the previous podcast episode, I think, on this one, was based on fears.

[00:17:08] Alessandro Frosali: And so if you, if you're still struggling with fears, go, go, go back to that one. That'll be a good one for you. Look

[00:17:14] Alessandro Frosali: You gotta change your frames in life. You gotta change your frame in life. And, and what I mean by that is like There is always a way through. There is always a new spaghetti you can throw on the wall to try. If you feel like you are stuck in your marriage, if you feel like life [00:17:30] is over, if you feel like it's repeating, I'm sorry, but every other person in the world has gone through the sh- same shit that you're going through.

[00:17:39] Alessandro Frosali: Here's a liberating thought: you are not special. I am not special. You are not special. We all go through the same problems. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you go, "You know what? If somebody else can solves this fucking marriage," or something like that, "I can solve this, too." When you start doing that, you will [00:18:00] find solutions because you're already starting to think laterally.

[00:18:03] Alessandro Frosali: Gotta think laterally. Change up the board game. You are not stuck in your situation. The amount of times I hear men and women specifically, fucking hell, if y- I've got any women listening to this as well, this is for you as well. "Oh my gosh, I've been in my relationship for 30 years with my husband. You don't know what it's like."

[00:18:22] Alessandro Frosali: Yeah, well, for fuck's sake, how many women in life have also gone through that same situation and lived up to the standards that they know they should live to? [00:18:30] You can change your reality. It is within your hands. Now, I know we all want to make the other person change, but the first way we do that is by looking at ourselves.

[00:18:43] Alessandro Frosali: Look at yourselves. You do not know-- It's one of my fundamental fucking cornerstones of my theory in relationships. You do not know how much of your shit affects the relationship dynamic until [00:19:00] you change your shit. You will never know unless you own entirely all your shit. It's what I tell every man that walks in through the door.

[00:19:08] Alessandro Frosali: Change your shit, and then you'll see whose shit is whose. Until you change your shit, you have no fucking clue. No clue whatsoever. Change your shit. Own your shit. Deal with it. And that goes for the women as well. Don't get me wrong. I speak to men because I'm a men's coach. I would say ve- something very similar to women, something very similar.

[00:19:29] Alessandro Frosali: You [00:19:30] know what? 'Cause, you know, I'll, I'll give you an example. I, I had a couple of women reach out to me. So Better Husband Academy is doing really well at the moment. We're in the, like, 30 days into the 70-day process of, of Better Husband Academy number two, and, uh, I've had some wives sending me messages of like, "Thank you.

[00:19:46] Alessandro Frosali: Oh my God, behaviors have changed so much. I love it, but I'm scared that he might revert." I've had other wives go, "He's actually gotten, like... He's a little bit more emotional, like things are actually opening up within him. Oh my gosh, what's going on?" And I've had even [00:20:00] more, wives, like four wives say, "What do I do?"

[00:20:05] Alessandro Frosali: Is there a WhatsApp group for wives? Is there a this? Is there a that? You know, like, I need to know interesting thing that I kind of tell all of them, 'cause I don't-- I'm not coaching women. I'm here to coach men Is that during any kind of process, you've got to look at you and focus on you in this moment, right?

[00:20:24] Alessandro Frosali: There's gotta be a moment where you bring it back to, what can I own? What can I try? What [00:20:30] can I throw on the wall? What can I do in this situation? And if you've been doing, men and women, if you've been doing the same thing over and over again, and the same thing doesn't work, change the fucking thing.

[00:20:44] Alessandro Frosali: Change the fucking thing If you've tried everything, right, then step out of the situation, look at it again, think laterally. There is a million ways... Last one I'm gonna say about this. When you throw spaghetti on the wall [00:21:00] for the spaghetti method, right, what sticks is the number 10. Let's imagine it's the number 10.

[00:21:05] Alessandro Frosali: AskVin was brilliant. He, he had this as, like, an Instagram reel ages ago, and I've shamelessly taken it, but I mention his name every time I say it. He says, "You gotta be aware of somebody that tells you the only way to get to 10 is, is eight plus two," for example, because there are a billion infinite ways of getting to the number 10.

[00:21:25] Alessandro Frosali: You can go one plus nine. You can go two plus eight. You can go three plus seven. You can [00:21:30] go, uh, 100 minus 90. There are a million ways to get to 10. If the answer of 10 is satisfaction, fulfillment within your marriage, if the answer of 10 is finally the result of something sticking on the wall that you know is gonna work within your marriage, if that is the answer, right, there are infinite ways that you can get to it.

[00:21:52] Alessandro Frosali: And when you throw another person into this, there are another infinite ways. Keep trying. Keep [00:22:00] throwing things on the wall. I'll come back to what I said at the beginning. What you want to get to with getting and keep throwing things on the wall is to go, "You know what? I believe that there is a way through this."

[00:22:12] Alessandro Frosali: Because the only thing that will end your relationship fully is checking out and saying there is no options. And that's okay. I'm not saying you can't check out and say there's no options. You know, fuck, I, I remember being in a relationship for three years, and two y- one year into the relationship, I knew I wasn't in love.

[00:22:28] Alessandro Frosali: And with this, I was young. I was [00:22:30] 21 years old, and, and, and I tried for two years to fall in love, right? But there was no love. I, I'm glad I ended that relationship. But there's other relationships. My one with my wife is the biggest one, right? Actually, the only one really that I can think of in this scenario where you know it's the right thing.

[00:22:47] Alessandro Frosali: It's just hard. Sometimes it's hard. But there are an infinite way around that you can go and find new results, new answers, new things. You can find an infinite ways to get to satisfaction. You have to [00:23:00] think laterally. You have to keep trying and throwing things onto the wall. And if something doesn't stick, you try again.

[00:23:08] Alessandro Frosali: If something doesn't stick, you try again. If something doesn't stick- Try again. I'll leave you with one thing here. I read this in the book called "The Wealth Ladder," and it's about a study on rats, and it's a very interesting one.

[00:23:20] Alessandro Frosali: And he said that there was a study where-- And I think I've even mentioned this in, in, in my podcast before, but let's put it this way. This might be another reason why [00:23:30] you wanna stop trying, right? Within your relationship, you wanna stop. So, yeah, you wanna stop it, trying in your relationship because you might believe that there is no hope.

[00:23:39] Alessandro Frosali: Let me tell you, there's hope. If other people can fucking do it, you can do it. So this will give you this example with the rat experiment. It's an awful experiment. Do not condone it. I'm glad it was done once, so I can tell you this analogy. Glad it'll never be done again, or I fucking fingers crossed it'll never be done again.

[00:23:53] Alessandro Frosali: So rats were thrown into a bucket of water, and it was average time on how long [00:24:00] that rat would survive in the water. Now, there's nothing on the sides for the rat to climb up to, nothing like that. It just literally gets thrown into the water. On average, the rat will survive for around 14 minutes, 15 minutes, right?

[00:24:12] Alessandro Frosali: 15 minutes, let's say, for this example. Uh, it'll survive 15 minutes without, you know, anything. And, and, and after 15 minutes, it gives up and it drowns. Fucking awful, right? But what do you do? What happens when you throw a rat in there, but then at around the [00:24:30] 13, 14 minute mark, just before it gives up, just before it gives up, you come in and save the rat.

[00:24:37] Alessandro Frosali: What do you think's gonna happen? The rat gonna last longer next time if it, if it has a little rest time and gets thrown in, or is it gonna last less? Well, the answer is, the rat actually, because it now knows that it, there is a way through, it knows that it could be saved, it knows that there is a possibility of success, the rat survives the next time when it's [00:25:00] thrown in again, up to 60 hours.

[00:25:04] Alessandro Frosali: 15 minutes to 60 hours. So what I'm trying to say at this is, like, you might have your biggest chance of, like, why you feel like you're stopping in your marriage. It's like you're only at the 15 minute mark, because you feel that there is no way through If it's just hard, if it's just hard, but it's the right thing, but it's hard, it's harder than anything you've ever faced, my [00:25:30] advice, keep fucking trying.

[00:25:33] Alessandro Frosali: New things, lateral thinking, more spaghetti on the wall. That's the episode. That's all I got for you today. I just want you to remember you're not alone in this. Make sure you subscribe to stay connected, of course, and comment your win. You know? 'cause every time a man sees other men winning, they don't feel alone anymore, and I love that tools are in the show notes, starting with the better husband in two minute emails.

[00:25:53] Alessandro Frosali: Let's build this together. I'll see you next week.