Why Fatherhood BREAKS Good Husbands ft. Eli Weinstein | EP 51

Become a Better Husband in Just Two Minutes a Week for FREE: HERE

How much longer are you going to pretend you're fine while it quietly eats your marriage alive?

When a baby arrives, everything about your life changes overnight, and nobody ever handed you a manual for it. You feel pushed out of your own home, like a third wheel while your wife and the baby have their party without you. So you throw yourself into work, you start keeping score, and the resentment builds until it lands on the one person you swore to have.

Host Alessandro sits down with Eli Weinstein, therapist, host of The Dude Therapist, and author of From I Do to We Do. Eli opens up about the panic attack that dropped him to the floor and the trap that swallows good men who think staying quiet makes them strong. 

Alessandro also brings up the question his wife fired back that cut clean through his excuses and forced him to grow.

Chapters:
00:02:20 - The Feelings He Buried
00:05:24 - Why Fatherhood Hits Men Differently
00:09:02 - The Quiet Postpartum Struggle
00:11:16 - Your New Role After the Baby
00:13:15 - When Dad Finally Takes the Lead
00:14:17 - The Three Questions Couples Need
00:18:13 - Why Good Husbands Become Resentful
00:20:00 - The Expectations Destroying Connection
00:22:11 - When His Pain Gets Dismissed
00:24:01 - How to Speak Without Attacking
00:27:22 - The Scorekeeping Trap
00:29:24 - What Being All In Actually Means
00:31:11 - The Question That Exposed His Love
00:33:36 - Turning Judgment Into Curiosity
00:40:54 - Two Tools That Prevent Recurring Fights
00:50:52 - Find Your Own Way to Be a Father

You will hear why you need to throw yourself in the rotation, the three-part check-in that heads off fights before they start, and the one word that lets you air a grievance without torching your night. 

This is the stuff no one taught you about being a husband and a father, and every day you dodge it, it costs you more.

Press play and learn how to stop bleeding out in silence and start showing up all in for your family.

Connect with Eli: https://www.eliweinsteinlcsw.com/

Become a Better Husband in Just Two Minutes a Week for Free: HERE

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy. Always seek qualified guidance for your personal situation.

Views shared by Alessandro Frosali and his guests reflect their lived experiences and opinions. Every listener’s journey is unique, and no therapeutic relationship is created.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Alessandro Frosali: You think you're giving everything and getting nothing back. But that resentment in your chest, look, it isn't necessarily proof that she's failing you.

[00:00:08] Alessandro Frosali: It may be proof that you've started to expect a return on everything that you give. Now, the second you start keeping track of that fairness, you know, I do this, then you must do that and give that back to me in your marriage, look, you've already dropped out of team thinking. You're now in you versus me thinking, and that you versus me thinking can kill the whole marriage.

[00:00:28] Alessandro Frosali: Now, look, the marriage may not be [00:00:30] over, but your mindset has definitely shifted into a place that's dangerous. 

[00:00:34] Alessandro Frosali: I'm Alessandro Frassali, and this is Shut the Fuck Up and Listen. It's the podcast for men who are done with boy patterns and ready to take radical responsibility and want to become the husband and man that their family actually needs 

[00:00:47] Alessandro Frosali: today I sit down with Eli Weinstein, a therapist, coach, and author of "From I Do to We Do: Navigating Marriage in the Parenting Years," who works with both men and couples in the part of fatherhood, 

[00:00:59] Alessandro Frosali: where the [00:01:00] baby arrives, the whole world tilts, and you're sort of standing off to the side wondering where the hell you fit in. I heard a stat actually that a third of divorces happen in the years straight after first child. Crazy. So that's why I wanna talk to Eli here.

[00:01:14] Alessandro Frosali: Eli learned this the hard way. Two months after his daughter was born, he had a panic attack. he called an ambulance. He thought he was dying, and it came from a pattern many fathers, oof, they fall into without even realizing it. I'm about to learn this myself when I have my first child in the next few [00:01:30] days.

[00:01:30] Alessandro Frosali: But they shove every fear under the rug, and they focus entirely on protecting wife and baby, telling themselves that they could deal with their own needs later. Look, that stuff doesn't disappear when you put things under the rug. It always waits, and it comes back at the worst possible time. We can't put anything under the rug of life.

[00:01:50] Alessandro Frosali: You both matter, but the relationship only works when you stop standing on the outside and you choose to go in all the way, right? You-- It's you, it's her, and the kid. In this one, you'll [00:02:00] hear why you can feel like a third wheel in your own home after the baby comes.

[00:02:04] Alessandro Frosali: while doing everything for her only on the basis of expecting something back, oh, that's gonna create resentment that you cannot get rid of easily What full communication actually sounds like and why the half sentences you keep giving each other create fights neither of you needed to have Why accepting your wife means showing up even for the parts of her you do not like, and how curiosity can replace judgment and [00:02:30] stay to the end as Eli walks through a three-part check-in he uses with his wife at night, along with a one-word tool that lets either of you air a grievance without turning it into one of those fucking wars that we all know about within the relationship.

[00:02:44] Alessandro Frosali: Look, they're simple tools that you could start using this week to communicate more clearly, reduce resentment, and start acting like teammates again. I'm excited for this one. I know you're gonna enjoy it 

[00:02:53] Alessandro: And welcome to the podcast, Ellie

[00:02:54] Eli Weinstein: Thanks for having me. Super pumped to talk about, you know, masculinity, manhood, fatherhood, [00:03:00] parenting, all the fun stuff, and see where it goes and just have a party with it. I can't wait

[00:03:06] Alessandro: So talking about having a party with it and all the fun stuff like masculinity, parenting and all of that. How did you get into-- Well, it's a lot of fun, but how did you get into it? What was the, what was your way of going, "You know what? I wanna, I wanna be in that space"?

[00:03:19] Eli Weinstein: it came from having-- not to get too heavy too fast, having a panic attack after my daughter was born, and before that, going through IVF fertility things [00:03:30] and feeling like no one was talking about just, like, being a human, as a man. And looking around on the internet, looking at books and trying to find answers or direction or just thoughts, support, something, other than just celebrities or influencers talking about it.

[00:03:49] Eli Weinstein: But, you know, more mental health things, and I couldn't find it. So I said, "Okay, let me start posting about it." And, um, that's where I find myself today, talking about it a lot and also living it a lot. So [00:04:00] it's, uh, a beautiful balance of, of the experience that you have yourself, but also realizing that you're not alone.

[00:04:07] Eli Weinstein: That when you say something... I was on a fatherhood podcast a couple months ago, and I said something, and the guy looked at me. He said, "Do you have a camera in my house? How'd you know that happens?" I went, " 'Cause I'm doing the same thing. Like, I'm living the same thing." So it's just nice to be in that space and in that world.

[00:04:24] Eli Weinstein: But, uh, I'm not just in the masculinity, fatherhood, men's world. I'm also in relationships and parenting world, and that kinda [00:04:30] coexists together. But it is a wonderful thing to have a voice that is different than just all the moms, which is also very beautiful and needed. Um, but it's a really, uh, a magical space and a wonderful space to be in

[00:04:41] Alessandro: How do you go from panic attacks to wanting to speak about this? Like, what was your journey from that, and what actually helped you through that?

[00:04:50] Eli Weinstein: the journey was painful, right? They're not fun. it was basically me putting aside all the feelings that I was having in [00:05:00] a white knight kind of thing to be able to like, "I'm gonna protect my wife and the baby. I gotta be there for them, them, them, them." Postpartum depression, worry about my wife, worry about my wife, take care of the baby, and never listening to myself.

[00:05:13] Eli Weinstein: There's actually a really amazing psychological thing called, under the rug, which was like coined or really made famous by, uh, Dr. David Burns in his book, Feel Good Therapy. And he says like a lot of times, uh, there's two different reasons we have panic attacks, right? There's a trigger, there's danger, and we freak out.

[00:05:29] Eli Weinstein: [00:05:30] Our brain goes, "How the hell are we gonna deal with this?" The other times is that we kind of like shove everything under the rug or that closet that we hide everything in until we open it by accident, and everything comes flooding when there's no trigger, and that was my body. My body was basically yelling at me and going, "Excuse me, you're not paying attention to me.

[00:05:50] Eli Weinstein: You're not paying attention to what you need to for yourself." And, uh, I had a massive panic attack. Started going to therapy, taking medication, and just getting [00:06:00] a little better help to control it and understand it, a- and kind of help myself going forward. And then I just realized when I was talking to some other dads and friends of mine, they're like, "Oh yeah, I freak out every day."

[00:06:12] Eli Weinstein: Or... And I was like, "Oh, okay. So let's, let's be honest about this. Like, why are we hiding this idea?"

[00:06:18] Alessandro: I've never had a panic at- panic attack. What does it actually look

[00:06:21] Eli Weinstein: Oh, it feels like you're dying.

[00:06:23] Alessandro: Okay

[00:06:24] Eli Weinstein: is basically your nervous system totally getting overridden and, and, and glitched out beyond belief, [00:06:30] that imagine you get anxiety and stress, but your heart is pounding, your breathing is very quick. It feels like sometimes you're having a heart attack or even a stroke because your nervous system is just basically haywire.

[00:06:45] Eli Weinstein: there's no eq-equilibrium. Nothing is calm. I remember actually when I went into the-- I thought I was having a stroke. I actually went to the, you know, did all the things. I looked in the mirror and smiled and s- like, asked my wife if I was, you know, slurring my words, on the floor, like huddled [00:07:00] up, like, oh my...

[00:07:00] Eli Weinstein: You know, like I couldn't-- I felt like my skin was crawling.

[00:07:04] Alessandro: 嗯

[00:07:05] Eli Weinstein: So I actually called nine one one. I didn't know what was happening. And the, the EMT's like, "Dude, dude, I need you to just listen to me for a second. Normal breathing rate is about, I don't know, thirty to sixty times per minute." Probably 25 to 40.

[00:07:18] Eli Weinstein: You're double that right now. Like, I need you to just slow your breath down because you're breathing so fast, your heart thinks you're in danger, and your system thinks you're in danger, so your heart's pounding [00:07:30] faster, so your breathing's pounding fa- And everything just feeds off of each other. I need you to calm down.

[00:07:34] Eli Weinstein: You're okay. I'm right here. it was like this awakening to go, "Oh, I need to pay attention to myself just a little bit more, just a little bit focused." And then there's this... And then I had to... I happened to collaborate with someone, uh, Dr. Cassidy Friedes, who her dissertation work is in men's mental health postpartum. And it was just a very, like, a, a I see you [00:08:00] moment. And it's just a, a beautiful thing to realize, like, everyone struggles. Everyone has moments where they go, "Oh, crap, this is hard. This is overwhelming. I don't know how to deal with this." And you shouldn't. Like, no one prepares you. Don't be afraid. It's gonna be okay.

[00:08:17] Eli Weinstein: no one prepares you for fatherhood or motherhood. But at least moms are connecting with the baby-

[00:08:23] Eli Weinstein: Nine months. A father is just a dad in three seconds. Baby's out, and now it's [00:08:30] yours. There's no, like, pro-- physical ability to process. It's not there, and then it's there. A mother feels the baby, connects with the ba-- the kicking, the, the symptoms. "Oh, it's there." so it's a big shock to the system, so it should take some time, and it's a huge adjustment for both parents.

[00:08:48] Eli Weinstein: So it's gonna be a little shocking. So make sure you pay attention to yourself, not selfishly, where you don't pay attention to the other people, but, like, throw yourself in the [00:09:00] rotation is something that I learned. Throw yourself in the rotation once in a while to make sure that you're just giving yourself a little nod of approval, a little nod of, "I see you," a little nod of, "You need a little this and a little that."

[00:09:10] Eli Weinstein: And, uh, hopefully, that won't happen to you

[00:09:14] Alessandro: And so what then happened? What happened after that? So this is how long after the

[00:09:19] Eli Weinstein: About two months after, two months, like two or three months after my daughter was born.

[00:09:23] Alessandro: Yeah.

[00:09:24] Eli Weinstein: And then I, started going to therapy and started like, focusing on myself and just paying attention a little bit better, and haven't had a panic [00:09:30] attack since. Maybe one. Maybe one. But like, it was just a realization of the importance that dads and men need to also care about themselves.

[00:09:43] Alessandro: was, was your panic attack the one where you, where you try and put the, everything under the rug, so, so to speak,

[00:09:49] Alessandro: And w- was, was it then a process of taking things out from under the rug?

[00:09:55] Eli Weinstein: Yeah. It was basically the, uh, you know, it was an emergency C-section. My [00:10:00] daughter was an emergency section, so it was like, like, go, go, go, go, go. Rush, rush, rush, rush, rush. Am I gonna walk out with my wife and child? Is someone gonna die on the table? Like, I didn't know. It was a lot of just built up unknown emotional things of the ups and downs of that experience, and then going right into going home alone with your baby and your wife and going...

[00:10:19] Eli Weinstein: And then not getting sleep and not knowing how to do it, and all these changes without knowing how to talk about it, without knowing how to process it, without knowing how to deal with it [00:10:30] smarter with your person. So that was a very good learning experience of, like, learning how to talk, learning how to-- And I'm a talker.

[00:10:38] Eli Weinstein: Like, you can put a face on the wall, and I would talk to it for four hours, no problem. But this was more talking about real things, about real things, and, uh, the fears and the worries and the concerns and the, "I don't know if I'm good at this," or, "I don't feel like I belong. I feel like I'm on the outs while you two are having a little party.

[00:10:56] Eli Weinstein: I'm just over here on the side going, 'When you need me, I'm right here, you know. Hi.' [00:11:00] Uh, like a third wheel." So it was a good just reset, like a shock to the system, which I do not wish on anyone,but a good shock to the system to go, "Oh, okay, you need to pay attention and start talking a little more and healing a little better, and diving into what you were hiding or what you weren't-- it's really what you weren't processing and dealing with in a healthier way."

[00:11:21] Eli Weinstein: So it was a good, eye-opening experience looking back now. And now I'm on my third, so

[00:11:28] Alessandro: Yeah. Yeah. [00:11:30] So you, you said, you had that, moment, what was the woman's name that you mentioned? That,

[00:11:35] Eli Weinstein: Dr. Cassidy Freitas

[00:11:37] Alessandro: Dr. Cassidy Freedas. And you had this moment where she said postpartum, you know, depression for men, you know, there's, there's, there's... Or not depression, but at least there's, there's things for men that go through.

[00:11:47] Alessandro: What are the major things that, that you've seen men experience straight after that period that maybe they don't talk about or nobody talks about?

[00:11:55] Eli Weinstein: And there's a lot of pushback when she says that term. She just posted about something like a week ago, and people were, [00:12:00] like, jumping on her, and I was like, "Hey, I'm here to..." You know, she said, "What do you think about this?" And a lot of women get very offended when we talk about postpartum in men because they're not birthing the baby.

[00:12:13] Eli Weinstein: But there's no other terminology. It's just post-birth, the time period of post-birth. So anyone listening, uh, if you're a woman, and you're like, "That's a term for us," good. Keep it. You know, it's not a, not a term for you, but it's just a time period of post-birth. What happens, uh, for a lot of men is [00:12:30] this quiet struggle and quiet loneliness of not knowing their role or knowing where they fit or belong in this new trio, quartet, however many kids it is, right?

[00:12:44] Eli Weinstein: Especially when it's your first kid. The second kid, you have one kid to focus on while the mom is dealing with the other one, so there's a little more purpose. But there's this very natural thing called the pushout that happens with a lot of... unconsciously, a lot of moms, [00:13:00] where they are the default parent.

[00:13:01] Eli Weinstein: They are the ones who can breastfeed. They're the ones who can take care of certain things that dads cannot. So it just becomes like, "Stop it. I'll just take care of it. Like, I don't need you right now." And then you go, "Okay, I guess I'll just sit here waiting till I'm needed. Maybe I'm not enough." Right?

[00:13:19] Eli Weinstein: That, that starts spiraling. "Maybe I don't matter, or I don't belong." Right? It's a very lonely, potentially, feeling. And then it's this huge shift of the [00:13:30] relationship between the husband and the wife, right? So they go, "Hey, we used to be best friends and do everything together, and now I barely talk to you and see you." That feels weird. I don't like that. I don't know what that's... I don't know what is happening. So it's all these changing, all these changes happening all at once that really shock both people's systems. But the mom has something to distract herself with and focus on, while the dads, for the most part, even the most helpful fathers, don't have as much to distract themselves with.

[00:13:58] Eli Weinstein: It's a lot- why a lot of men [00:14:00] then, like, throw themselves into work or throw themselves into other things because they- they're just trying to do something with that energy and do something with that, that focus

[00:14:09] Alessandro: I've heard it said that the, the major primary focus of the mother is to look after the baby in that moment, but then the major primary focus of the father is to look after the mother. What would you say to that?

[00:14:21] Eli Weinstein: I love it, and I think that's super important, and that's where your role can be and, and embracing it and go, "Hey." You [00:14:30] know, something we have to realize is that your role or your need is gonna shift. Like everyone said, there's seasons to it, right? There's ups and downs. You know, there's gonna be days where your wife can't deal with the baby, and guess what?

[00:14:43] Eli Weinstein: Step up and do it. It's your time to shine. It's your opportunity. It's a very, I love comedy specials, and Chris Rock had a comedy special a couple of years ago. By couple, I'm probably saying seven years ago. and he talks about the tambourine player, right? That sometimes you're just [00:15:00] the guy in the background hitting the triangle or the cymbals.

[00:15:03] Eli Weinstein: You're the backdrop, and someone is the lead singer or the lead guitarist, whatever you can think of as the spotlight being on them. It doesn't mean that you don't matter. Without you, that part of the, you know, beautiful piece of music will not exist. That little cello or violin or the flute or whatever instrument you're thinking of plays a huge role in the totality of the piece of [00:15:30] music.

[00:15:30] Eli Weinstein: It matters. You might not be the spotlight, the first chair or the lead singer, but there's gonna be times where you get the spotlight, and are you paying attention? Are you watching? Are you gaining knowledge to know how to step into the spotlight when it's your chance? And a lot of people get resentful that they are just the tambourine player, and then they're brewing and hate their partner or even hate their baby for, like, taking the spotlight, [00:16:00] or they're not paying attention to how to be in the role with themselves, to embrace it and go, "Oh, when the opportunity comes, I got this."

[00:16:08] Eli Weinstein: It's why I really suggest to any dads, take paternity leave, but take paternity leave when your wife either is going back to work or is not around as much for the baby, so you get your chance to learn how you can shine in the role of taking care of that kid versus [00:16:30] someone else hovering or feeling like you get upset or frustrated or don't know how to do something and you just hand off the baby to the mother Get your chops, right?

[00:16:39] Eli Weinstein: Get your, get your opportunity in. So a lot of times that changes, but yes, if you can support your wife, you should a hundred percent. If that means getting the bottles ready, if that means making sure your wife has water while she's breastfeeding, getting her dinner, surprising her with her favorite [00:17:00] meal, constantly asking, "What can I do for you?

[00:17:02] Eli Weinstein: What do you need?" Like you did before we recorded the check-in. Something I do very often with couples that I work with, and even in my own relationship, is I do something called the check-in, which is a three-part question. It's what's on tap for today or tomorrow, depending on where you're asking, right? I like to ask it the night before 'cause I'm scrolling anyways in bed and I'm not doing anything, so I might as well make the opportunity.

[00:17:26] Eli Weinstein: Some people like to do it in the morning when it's quiet and calm, [00:17:30] potentially, depending how many kids you have and when you wake up. but what are you doing? What's on tap for tomorrow? The logistics of the conversation of the day, right? You're doing drop-off. You're doing pickup. I'm going to work at this time.

[00:17:40] Eli Weinstein: I have a meeting then. Who's do-- Take it all, just do it right then so no one gets upset that you didn't remember or realize. The second thing is, what do you need from me? That could be emotionally, that could be something that's not a logistical thing or on the regular scheduled routine, but something extra.

[00:17:58] Eli Weinstein: If you have time, [00:18:00] can you pay attention to this? Throw the laundry in. I really need you to take care of this. Or what do you need from me? I really need you to just go X, Y, Z. Okay. The third question is, what do you need for yourself? Like that's the question for them to answer, and it's a two-way street.

[00:18:17] Eli Weinstein: You're asking these to each other. So that could be, "I really would love if you could take the baby in the morning after I breastfeed so that I can get an extra half an hour, hour of sleep and go back to bed, and, and that would really help my whole [00:18:30] day while you go to work, so I don't feel like I'm, I'm losing my mind." "I would really love if you could make me a coffee. I'm a little busy right now. That would mean so much to me." "I'd really love to be able to go to the gym today for thirty minutes and just get out of the house." "I would love a massage." "I would love to get my hair done, nails." And vice versa, right? "I would love to go watch Spain."

[00:18:52] Eli Weinstein: I know you... Win, right? "I would love to go to the gym." "I would love to just have a [00:19:00] quiet moment with a cup of tea or go read my book." Right? Those are the things, the communications that we can do with each other, that we can support each other.

[00:19:08] Alessandro: Mhm

[00:19:10] Eli Weinstein: You matter, and so does she.

[00:19:12] Alessandro: Yeah

[00:19:13] Eli Weinstein: The baby, of course, matters. That's an obvious.

[00:19:15] Eli Weinstein: Like I said before, throw yourself in the rotation. Don't forget about yourself, but of course, don't forget about the mom. But that's where the trick happens. How hard are you gonna go in the paint? That's a basketball term, sorry. How aggressive are you gonna go on just focusing on the mom [00:19:30] not looking back at yourself and going, "Oh, what do I, what do I need today?

[00:19:33] Eli Weinstein: Oh, I need to take a shower." Just simple. "I need to cut my nails or brush my teeth. I need to eat breakfast." That's really... "I need to hydrate." Like, those are really important things. "I need to get outside and get some sun. I haven't been outside in four days." Right? "I need to change my clothes. I've been stinking in the same clothes for a week."

[00:19:52] Eli Weinstein: Right? Those are things that are really simple ways to just care about yourself and throw yourself in the rotation, and it does feel good, and it matters. So that-- [00:20:00] those are the things that you can do, is really care about the mom, but you caring about yourself helps the total package, the whole family, just like the mom caring about herself helps everyone.

[00:20:10] Eli Weinstein: So it's just really important.

[00:20:11] Alessandro: Yeah. I mean, I always look at it like, I have an analogy that I use, specifically when I do coaching or whenever I do my academies or things like that. I, I, I use this analogy called the life ship. And essentially, if you imagine your life as like you, your wife, and kids under the age of 18 are, [00:20:30] are on your own ship, and it's your responsibility to make sure that the ship is running, and it's your wife's responsibility to make sure the ship is running.

[00:20:37] Alessandro: It's not all hers, and it's not all yours. It's, it's both of you. You're both responsible to make that, that go. And I think it's a beautiful thing to, to realize that like when, I don't know, m- men get really stuck up and they go like, "I'm giving everything that I am to, to my wife," and then they build up this resentment, not realizing that they are part of this life ship.

[00:20:59] Alessandro: It's them, [00:21:00] their wife, and the

[00:21:00] Eli Weinstein: I'm so glad you just said that

[00:21:03] Alessandro: It's not just the wife and the kids under the age of 18

[00:21:06] Eli Weinstein: Yeah. I'm so glad you said it that way. That's, like, so important. I hear so often when I work with men the undertone of, "I'm doing so much," or, like, "I'm doing everything for her."

[00:21:23] Eli Weinstein: And something I-- I c- I'm a very sassy, no BS type of therapist and coach. I'm not here to beat around the bush.[00:21:30] 

[00:21:30] Eli Weinstein: I'm here to be, like, in your face, but with love. No BS with lots of compassion is my vibe. And the thing I say is, "Good. You're doing your part. You're caring about your partner and caring about someone who just birthed your child. Good for you. Show up. Stop getting-- complaining and being resentful of them for caring for them.

[00:21:52] Eli Weinstein: They just freaking pushed out a human being. Grow up." Does it mean that you shouldn't care about yourself too? Of course not. Care about [00:22:00] yourself, but don't get angry at

[00:22:01] Alessandro: really important to, to, yeah, it's understa- it's, it's important to understand why you're getting resentful in the first place. You're getting resentful because you haven't given

[00:22:08] Eli Weinstein: the resentment is coming that feel like, yeah, you're giving yourself and you feel like you're not getting anything back or you're not getting anything in return.

[00:22:13] Alessandro: Yeah. Or you have an

[00:22:14] Eli Weinstein: I have is, are you asking

[00:22:15] Alessandro: wife

[00:22:16] Eli Weinstein: Mm-hmm.

[00:22:18] Alessandro: you

[00:22:18] Eli Weinstein: Ooh, I love

[00:22:19] Alessandro: at, at a point where she's literally at her, like, like lowest hormones she'll ever be in her fucking life, you have this expectation that she should give as much as you do, and that's built off of [00:22:30] this reciprocal kind of thing. 

[00:22:32] Eli Weinstein: Mm-hmm. 

[00:22:32] Alessandro: But, but, you know, that doesn't work that way.

[00:22:34] Alessandro: You've got a teammate down, you don't then expect the teammate to come up and, and give you 50/50 back. You know? It's, it's understanding the moment

[00:22:42] Eli Weinstein: I, and I, ugh, I love that. And I, I think... Oh, this is why I'm so happy to talk to you. You're just amazing. This is why, this is why you're good at what you do. and, and something I say a lot to, to couples and even, and a lot of men is, like, there's something I, I, I work on often. I call it the Holy Trinity.

[00:22:58] Eli Weinstein: It's the idea of the interplay [00:23:00] of expectations and perceptions and how it impacts our reality. I think it's, like, my first or second chapter in my book, From I Do to We Do, which is, like, the relationship side of being a parent. And it's if I have an expectation that is set how it should be and life changes, and I keep that expectation, my perception now of you is negative.

[00:23:24] Eli Weinstein: If I expect that we have sex ev- twice a week, three times a week, every [00:23:30] day, whatever is in your, your marriage or relationship, you do you. And now things change, and you're like, "Well, you're a failure. You suck. What's wrong with you?" But you never really, like, adjusted and pivoted the expectation to match what the reality actually is.

[00:23:47] Eli Weinstein: The, the joke I always give or the, the, the example I always give is, like, house chores, right? Someone work... I work from home. So does my wife, but I work from home, and my schedule's a little more flexible than hers. And it's like, "Hey, I expect that dinner should be done," like, if [00:24:00] she's saying that to me, or, "I expect the dishes should be done because you're home."

[00:24:03] Eli Weinstein: And I don't do it, and she doesn't know the context or the reality that existed in my day, she's gonna... her perception of me is that I didn't do enough, and I didn't, you know? But if we have conversations and communicate, or I have a benefit of the doubt and a positive understanding and regard for you as a human, taking into context reality, things slip through people's minds, my expectation kind of falls a little bit less aggressive, and I can have a little more [00:24:30] space of grace to go, "Oh, you just had a baby.

[00:24:34] Eli Weinstein: You d-" My wife is gonna have a C-section. She's not gonna be able to move that much. Things are going to fall on my shoulders. I'm not gonna get upset at her for that.

[00:24:44] Alessandro: Or that quiet, like resentment, you know? That,

[00:24:46] Eli Weinstein: Yeah, of

[00:24:47] Alessandro: of like sulkiness.

[00:24:48] Eli Weinstein: me. Yeah.

[00:24:49] Alessandro: That

[00:24:49] Eli Weinstein: what am I doing here? Like, why am I getting sulky? But it is very natural, and that's why it's important to communicate and talk about it a- and, and air out the grievances of I'm not upset at [00:25:00] you, the situation is bugging me,

[00:25:02] Alessandro: Hmm.

[00:25:03] Eli Weinstein: right?

[00:25:04] Alessandro: I think there's, But,

[00:25:05] Eli Weinstein: the change is hard to handle

[00:25:07] Alessandro: that's another thing though. It's like, um, and I see it a lot and, and, you know, I get a lot of flak online from men. they don't give me the flak when they work with me 'cause they understand it and, and, and I, I make it. But like on- online, you know, there's, there's a certain one narrative that you kinda have.

[00:25:21] Alessandro: It's like men seem to go that, "Oh, you're just speaking about the woman's perspective." Because in that specific situation, let's imagine that specific situation where, you know, where, [00:25:30] where postpartum or, or something's happened to the wife and it- it's the expectations have changed and all of a sudden they feel sulky.

[00:25:36] Alessandro: A husband then would wanna, let's say, share this with his wife, but the moment he would share that with his wife, nothing compares to the, the thing that his wife just went through. His pain, like, will never compare to the, to what his wife just went through. And so him and all other women, and pretty much everyone in society is gonna say, "Fuck your pain right now.

[00:25:55] Alessandro: My pain is bigger." And so then the man will almost entrench within [00:26:00] that pain. Now, I am of the belief, and I'd love to hear what your thoughts are this, I'm of the belief that it's like, yes, that pain matters, and yes, y- your wife's pain is also bigger in that moment. Doesn't mean that your pain is invalidated, it just means that if we start to understand all of our pains and actually can start seeing outside of ourselves, we start to build an internal clock or an internal ability to go, "Let's prioritize what we need to prioritize right now."

[00:26:28] Alessandro: And their [00:26:30] pain, it's not that their pain is not priority, it's just not in that moment. We can hold out for a little bit longer and, and push it through in a different way

[00:26:39] Eli Weinstein: Yeah. And I think that idea of like-- So are you asking or, or suggesting like the idea that a lot of men feel like they can't because it's not comparable? Okay. So

[00:26:51] Alessandro: yeah. You know, and also because they would get pushback as well, you know, straight away

[00:26:55] Eli Weinstein: Yeah. So the whole thing is all how you come... Now, again, it depends on the person, [00:27:00] the couple, the communication skills or whatever.

[00:27:02] Eli Weinstein: It's all about how you come at it. So if you're coming from a place of, "I'm gonna attack you and put you down because I'm pissed off," no one's gonna accept that or like that. But if you're coming from a place of, "I get that you're struggling, and I'm just here to say that there are struggles that I have in my camp too, and I'm not comparing and saying that I'm better than yours or mine matter more than yours."

[00:27:25] Eli Weinstein: It's that when we say, "Hey, I'm struggling. Why don't you care? You suck. [00:27:30] Your struggles are nothing. I did the dishes for four days in a row, and you haven't got up once 'cause you're dealing with a baby. You think you're having a hard time? Look at me." Like, we're not doing that. We're not doing that game. But there's something in, in, in, in a lot of work that I do where I have a, like, a code word to use.

[00:27:49] Eli Weinstein: Mine is rompus because it's my favorite word, um, because of Where the Wild Things Are. It means to prance and to dance around. "Let the rompus begin," as in the, in the famous book. And so to me, [00:28:00] rompus is let's buy-- we're buying into this moment. What is the moment? I just need to let out some steam without judgment or attack.

[00:28:08] Eli Weinstein: I'm not attacking you, and I'm not judging you. I just need to air out a grievance that is a situational frustration, not a you problem. I'm having a hard time adjusting to this right now. No one's doing anything wrong, though. That's the vibe you're coming from. That's the expression or the communication backdrop that you're coming from, [00:28:30] is, "I'm just having a hard time shifting or pivoting or moving with this new change of life, and I'm battling something right now, and you're the only person who's here with me battling similar ideas of life shifting, and we're in this together.

[00:28:46] Eli Weinstein: We're a team. So I wanna air it out with you." Talk about just, uh, the rompus is of understanding and respect for the fact that I have a struggle. The example I give, and I, and [00:29:00] I, I ask my wife for permission to tell these stories. One time I asked my wife to go, "Hey, can I clean this off of here? I wanna just put this away if you're done."

[00:29:06] Eli Weinstein: She yelled at me, walked away. I was like, "What the hell? I offered to help and clean and someone yells at me? That's..." Hour goes by, she comes down, she goes, "Rompus. I just need to explain myself or air out grievances. When you pointed out the dishes, there are the dishes that I made a mess of, and I thought you were putting-- shoving my face in it.

[00:29:27] Eli Weinstein: And now I realize you were just trying to help. [00:29:30] I'm really sorry." All done. Doesn't have to be a whole conversation. Thanks for sharing. We let it out, and now we can move on.

[00:29:37] Alessandro: Mm-hmm. One

[00:29:38] Eli Weinstein: And you come up with a silly word or whatever, where you're coming from a context of, we're talking to the situation.

[00:29:43] Eli Weinstein: I'm not here attacking you. And if you do take an attack, that's a different conversation and a different thing. But I'm not trying to, and I deserve a spotlight to just say, "Hey, I'm struggling." I'm not struggling, and it's not... I'm not comparing and playing a tit for tat scoreboard here. [00:30:00] I'm just saying a simple statement.

[00:30:01] Eli Weinstein: I'm having a hard time.

[00:30:03] Alessandro: Hmm. One thing I love that you opened up there is, you know, there is an ability that I believe that we need to have within relationship and especially teamwork dynamics, 'cause I, you know, I, I love that we... I'm gonna talk more about your book in a second 'cause I love, you, me, and the problem, not you versus me.

[00:30:18] Alessandro: That's like the core. It's fundamental. But, one thing that you opened up there is like the ability to even do rompus or the, the safe word, and share something when you were [00:30:30] wrong, and then have the other person be able to actually have the humility to listen to that rather than then rubbing their nose in it again, right?

[00:30:39] Alessandro: That's, that's a, a, a big step because it's really difficult to, to be within a relationship, and this is for both sides. This is man and woman. It's really difficult when you share, and then if you were to admit a mistake, your nose would be rubbed in to the admitting of the mistake

[00:30:56] Eli Weinstein: I knew it. You suck."

[00:30:59] Alessandro: [00:31:00] And, and I think that's...

[00:31:01] Eli Weinstein: And it doesn't mean that I don't do that, by the way. Sometimes I do

[00:31:04] Eli Weinstein: make a mistake. We all do that

[00:31:06] Alessandro: like, I think that's the moment where when you do that, and like I-- if I do that with Juliet, we do that through humor now. Like, we literally play it with humor because it's, it's... We, we just know the dynamic happens over and over again, and, and it's hilarious.

[00:31:22] Alessandro: But, um, I heard it, you know, Jordan Peterson said a beautiful line once. He said that like there is no winning against your wife in that case [00:31:30] because the moment you win, you have a broken wife, and then both of you have lost. You've both lost. So you've gotta win together or not at all

[00:31:39] Eli Weinstein: Mm-hmm. My, my whole thing is, though, I, I have a sassy line where I say, you know, "Once you start keeping score, you've lost the game already." You lost the game. Once you start playing that game, you've already lost. There's no winning in that. You're done. Not that the relationship is done, but your mindset is now shifted to be a negative head space that is going to, to hurt the [00:32:00] relationship.

[00:32:00] Eli Weinstein: And, uh, you have to be-- There's no, like, half in, half out in the relationship. Once you're half out, you're al- it's over. You have to be all in and showing up all in for your person and for yourself. If you're kinda like wishy-washy and not fully committed to that, it's not gonna last very long. But

[00:32:15] Alessandro: All right,

[00:32:15] Eli Weinstein: with scorekeeping.

[00:32:17] Eli Weinstein: If you start

[00:32:18] Alessandro: all in?

[00:32:18] Eli Weinstein: All in. Ooh, all in means the commitment to, of course, being there for the happy times and the good times, that's easy. But being able to look at your person and choose to be there [00:32:30] when it's rough and tough. Choosing to be there with no malice and no hate and no aggression because life is hard and the relationship takes effort.

[00:32:41] Eli Weinstein: All in means you signed up for a relationship, and didn't mean it was gonna be easy, and it didn't mean that it was gonna be magical. It meant it was gonna be real. So it means showing up for the realness of what relationships expect of you, which is daily efforts, making, you know, [00:33:00] sacrifices, showing up with love, making commitments, being respectful and kind and loving and trustworthy with each other.

[00:33:07] Eli Weinstein: That's being all in. When you're like, "Well, I don't wanna do it today." Okay. W-what? You don't wanna do-- What do you mean? I, I, I get pushback a lot of like, "Elliot, you're asking so much of us in relat-" Yes. Relationships demand a lot of work, and you're the one who wanted it. [00:33:30] You're the one who asked for the relationship.

[00:33:32] Eli Weinstein: You're the one who dated. You're the one who went on all the apps. You're the one who was looking for that life partner, and you got someone. Why wouldn't you commit, and why wouldn't you work on it and try your damnedest every day to do the best that you can? And some days, your best isn't perfect. Good.

[00:33:51] Eli Weinstein: It should never be perfect, but at least you're trying. At least you're putting in the effort. The second you stop putting in the effort and you stop trying, it's [00:34:00] a, it's a, a downward spir-spiral of things failing and ending up in my office

[00:34:04] Alessandro: Hmm. It's funny when you-- when, when we talk about what's all in, reminds me there was a time when, um, when Julia and I weren't doing well at all, and I remember feeling underneath it all, I just wanted to be heard and understood. And I felt that she just did not understand me. She wasn't listening to me, and it was the, the biggest pain I had.

[00:34:27] Alessandro: And I, I remember almost throwing a tantrum, [00:34:30] like a, like a foot stomp. I literally felt the foot stomp as I, as I was like, "Why don't you just accept me for who I am?" I said to her very loudly. And she stopped, and she looked at me with... I can remember the exact look. It was this, like, sharp look that cut like a fucking knife.

[00:34:50] Alessandro: And she said, "Well, do you accept me for who I am?" And she gave me that look that it just cut through everything. It literally cut through everything, and it made this huge realization [00:35:00] that I did not. I accepted happy Julia. I accepted, content Julia. I accepted excited Julia. I accepted fun Julia. I accepted the Julia that gave me peace and didn't tell me when my behavior was shit. accept, I didn't accept pushing Julia, like pushing me to be better. I didn't accept her when she was overtired and when she actually didn't have a good night's sleep. Didn't accept that Julia. And realizing that, you realize that that [00:35:30] is an expectation you have of someone. It's exactly what we were talking about before.

[00:35:33] Alessandro: It's this expectation, "I need you to be this way." It's conditional love. It's not unconditional love. It's conditional love. I-- You are-- I will love you as long as it feels nice, and, and that is something no person can ever, ever live up to

[00:35:51] Eli Weinstein: Yeah. And on top of it, I love that you made that distinction in that example. On top of it, it doesn't mean you have to like that version of the [00:36:00] person, but you're still gonna show up for them and have their back. I'm not thrilled when... Well, I'll, I'll throw myself under the bus. My wife is not thrilled when I am upset and angry and sad.

[00:36:11] Eli Weinstein: She doesn't like that if I'm yelling and screaming or I'm short or sassy, but she's there. She doesn't like it. No one's saying you have to like that. But it's that I'm not gonna hold it against you. I'm not gonna throw you under the bus. I'm not gonna make you feel terri- I'm gonna do my best to be there for you and to have your back.

[00:36:28] Eli Weinstein: And

[00:36:29] Alessandro: Well,

[00:36:29] Eli Weinstein: it's a [00:36:30] very wonderful thing of that like, but do you accept me? And a lot of people have a hard time. I love that she did that to you. I love that she called you out

[00:36:37] Alessandro: beautiful thing is, the beautiful thing is it's actually, it's, it's helped me, I mean, it helped me go through this whole journey, like, and now being able to teach it. But I had to try and understand, and I find that, like, one of the biggest things I also believe is that love is curiosity.

[00:36:52] Alessandro: It's because the moment you are in love with somebody, and, and so I even, I use a line where I, I ask some, some clients, I'm like, "Look, what's the [00:37:00] worst trait about your wife?" And this is from David Deida, "The Way of the Superior Man." It's probably the, the strongest line he actually has in that whole book, and it's, it's...

[00:37:09] Alessandro: He, he says, "Think about the worst trait, the absolute worst trait that your wife has. Now think about that and, and imagine it. Imagine it's never gonna change. Never. Would you leave her if it never changes? And if you say yes," okay, he says, "You should go." Right? Because that, that is something [00:37:30] that otherwise there's an expectation that, you know, that.

[00:37:33] Alessandro: But if it, if it's not enough to make you leave, then you must love her for it.

[00:37:38] Eli Weinstein: 嗯

[00:37:39] Alessandro: You must love her for it. Not around it, not in spite it, but for it. And when I thought of that, I was like, "Fuck, how do I love Julia for the things I don't like about her?" And it actually got me to go one step further from just not liking it and holding to the side. I went to understand her. Ah, [00:38:00] why does she get overtired in those moments? Because when you understand something, you can love it. Like I realized, oh shit, she had a huge upbringing of having to make sure everything was nice in the house if, o-otherwise she got scolded from people. Ha, that's where that comes from.

[00:38:16] Alessandro: And then you learn, you learn, you learn. You realize, that's my person. And I, I, it's, it's such a beautiful thing to get to this place where y-you know so much about them that even when they're triggered and you, the thing you don't like the most about them, [00:38:30] you can still love them and smile and go, "Oh, here's that pattern

[00:38:32] Eli Weinstein: I get

[00:38:33] Alessandro: Here it

[00:38:33] Eli Weinstein: Yeah, and I get it. And then-- And my wife is very similar, and I think it's a beautiful thing. I always say to people that it's very easy to go like, "What the hell is wrong with you?" For asking, "Hey, are you okay? What's going on? Explain me. Explain it to me."

[00:38:45] Alessandro: 嗯嗯

[00:38:46] Eli Weinstein: And that's the curiosity versus judgment.

[00:38:48] Eli Weinstein: It's very easy to go like, "What's wrong with you? Why do you do this? What's wrong with you?" And just attack them versus, "Hey, let me understand. Give me a good context, so I can get you better." Again, [00:39:00] doesn't mean that I'm happy that that happens. It doesn't mean that I'm thrilled that that's your reaction or that's how you behave, but I get it more, so I can have a little more understanding.

[00:39:09] Eli Weinstein: There's a very famous, economist, I always forget his name. I really should remember. and he always talks about the idea that there's always-- there's, there's always trade-offs in life. There's no thing that just solves all. So the thing with relationships is there's always gonna be pros and cons to each person that you're with. And the question is: Are you willing to choose [00:39:30] the pros despite the cons? Are you willing to say, "I love this person. This is all the pros I need. Yes, cons will exist no matter who I'm with, but those cons I can live with because there's so many good pros. There are so many worthwhile, valuable pro to this person."

[00:39:48] Eli Weinstein: The second you can't make that choice, it's not the person for you. The second the cons consistently outweigh and the pros are not loud enough to help you say, "I can see this person for [00:40:00] the pros, even though the cons exist," that's when we have to start working on things and talking about why it bugs you so much or what changed or why this person isn't the right fit.

[00:40:10] Eli Weinstein: Similar idea to what you just said of the idea of being there

[00:40:13] Alessandro: Yeah, for sure.

[00:40:14] Eli Weinstein: with it.

[00:40:15] Alessandro: Yeah, I, I see that. I see that. And it's, you know, it's the cards that you have. It's the cards that you have, you know? Like we, we've all been dealt cards, and this is also in our own self-ownership too. It's not just in the relationship. You know, I, I often get-- I even use [00:40:30] that kind of language when somebody comes to me and says that they have ADHD or, or bipolar or something like this, and they go, "But how, how can I, you know, do housework when I, when I have ADHD, Alessandro?

[00:40:40] Alessandro: I have ADHD, so I, I won't remember everything." And I was like, "Why is this such a totality of either I do nothing or I do all and I'm the perfect husband?" It's like, what are the cards you've been fucking dealt? You are this, this, this, and this. Know yourself, and then go where would you like to [00:41:00] get to, and start walking the steps to get there, right?

[00:41:02] Alessandro: That is the cards you've been dealt. Play with the cards you've been dealt. And it-- from hearing what you're saying, it's exactly the same in the relationship. That is her strengths and her weaknesses. This is your strengths and your weaknesses. What do they combine to be? Play the best hand you can with that.

[00:41:17] Alessandro: Don't look for cards that are not in this fucking deck that you've got. And

[00:41:21] Eli Weinstein: Yeah. Yeah

[00:41:23] Alessandro: it's, it's there. That's all you've got.

[00:41:25] Eli Weinstein: Yeah.

[00:41:26] Alessandro: It's all you've bloody got. Oh, gosh. [00:41:30] So tell me about your book. How, how... What was the process to, to write that?

[00:41:32] Eli Weinstein: hell, I hate, I hate writing. Writing's my, um, my biggest nightmare. but I did it, so that's a huge win. I'd rather speak and have like a TV show and, and, and make millions of dollars just speaking to people and, and having, you know, a Dr. Phil type show or whatever. But, um, for me, it was because of my podcast, The Dude Therapist.

[00:41:52] Eli Weinstein: someone reached out and said, "Hey, you know, we don't have a lot of male authors about relationships and, and parenting," which I know, and I never thought I [00:42:00] would write a book. I thought I was gonna wait till I'm like in my sixties or seventies to be like, "Okay, now I'll write a book." It was like a 10-month grueling process of, uh, really putting my heart and soul into the book.

[00:42:08] Eli Weinstein: It's called From I Do to We Do: Uh, Navigating Marriage Through Parenting Years. So it's, it's a, um, lot of stories from my own marriage and life. client examples that are an amalgamation of 10 years of working with different couples and different people all in one. humor, relatability with every chapter having advice, [00:42:30] a tip, a takeaway, a tactic, something too that you can hold onto and try, whether it's a question, a conversation starter, or a practical thing to put into place.

[00:42:40] Eli Weinstein: all things from, like I said, the Holy Trinity, the expectations to how to be a better teammate, to how to communicate when it's hard during, uh... how to resolve conflict. Uh, there's a chapter for moms called Mama Magic. There's a chapter for dads called From Dudes to Dads, and it's just this love letter to parents to go, [00:43:00] the relationship matters, too.

[00:43:02] Eli Weinstein: Don't forget about that 'cause that's gonna help you be a better parent and have a better future together. and it's natural. And the thing I say often in the book is it's a skill. Relationship is a skill. You are not-- You don't wake up one day and just know how to do it. No one does. And it's a constant effort to learn the skills to implement into your relationship that it makes it work for you guys.

[00:43:23] Eli Weinstein: And just tweak it. Don't give up. Keep trying at the skills that it takes [00:43:30] to build a healthy, fulfilling, good foundation of a relationship that gets through a lot of things in life, the ups and the downs.

[00:43:37] Alessandro: Beautiful. Beautiful. I'd love to know, like you talk about tactics and, what's your, what's your favorite one that, that seems to work the best for your clients?

[00:43:47] Eli Weinstein: Hmm. So I, I already talked about the check-in, I talked about the ROMPUS. Those are a few tactics that I have in the book. Something that I think a lot of people don't do, and this is what, is something I call the import/export list. So [00:44:00] this is just a... not a game, but it's a fun activity you can do with anyone in your life, any relationship, but specifically your partner, where you, you sit and you talk about the values, whether it's your cultural values, religious values, how you grew up, your home life.

[00:44:14] Eli Weinstein: Maybe a fr- a best friend's family does something that you like. And what are you importing into your unit, into your home, and what do you want to export? So an export of mine is no slamming doors. We do not slam doors in my house. It's, uh, like it [00:44:30] just, it's unacceptable. We don't call each other names when we're fighting.

[00:44:35] Eli Weinstein: Yeah, we have cutesy stupid names and silly names when we poke fun and, and with love. But if we're in an argument, there's no name-calling, no, no undercutting. uh, for my wife, there's a few things like, uh, the tone or the way we talk to each other when we're upset. And there's also imports like having an open home.

[00:44:53] Eli Weinstein: Our door is always open in our house. sitting down as a family and eating dinner every night if we can, [00:45:00] right? Uh, take-- how do we take advantage of Sun-- And it's this constant thing of talking about values. I've worked with too many couples where they don't talk about things that matter to them because they have chemistry, or the sex is great, or they have a good relationship, and then all of a sudden, y- like i- uh, the example I give in the book is like I have a client of mine that is Muslim, wife is not, and they never had a boy, so they never talked about circumcision.

[00:45:24] Eli Weinstein: And all of a sudden they have a boy, and the wife goes, "Hell no, we're not doing that." And he goes, "What do you mean we're not doing that? This is like [00:45:30] something integral to my life and my religious beliefs and my family values and everything that I believe in." " Well, we're not doing it." How do you think that's gonna go down?

[00:45:40] Eli Weinstein: Not very well. That's not an easy conversation. But while you're dating or when you're earlier on in the relationship to have these full conversations about values and put them... My wife and I, we still have a list. Every anniversary, we pull the list out and we go through, "Are these things still applicable?" Like living in [00:46:00] New York City with no kids to one kid, two kid, third kid, living in Las Vegas, this type of job, that type of job, this schedule, this things, life changes. Are these values, are these things that we have for our import/export list, do they still apply? Do we have to get rid of some of them? Do we-- Have we accomplished them?

[00:46:22] Eli Weinstein: We don't have to work on them anymore. Are they still good? Or we were so naive when we were dating, and we did this, it was a joke like That doesn't [00:46:30] matter. So that's one tactic. The other tactic I'm a very big fan of, is the idea of something called full communication, which is saying what you mean, how you mean it, when you mean it fully.

[00:46:41] Eli Weinstein: So a joke I always do with couples is, I say, "Okay, take out the garbage." That's all I say. And I look at the man, and I go, "What does that mean to you?" And he says, "When I have time." I said, "I didn't say that." And the woman usually rolls her eyes and laughs. I said, "What does it mean to you?" And they say, [00:47:00] "Right now."

[00:47:01] Eli Weinstein: But no one said that. No one added the backup, like the left-- the, the, the rest of the sentence. So full communication is, "Hey, can you please go pick up the kids because I'm gonna take care of X, Y, Z so that A, B, C can happen," versus, "Go take out the kid. Go pick up the kids." "But it's not my night. It's not my day.

[00:47:20] Eli Weinstein: You're supposed to pick up the kids." And there's an argument. Nobody-- there's an explanation. There's a full communication. I get where your head's at because I'm not supposed to know why you're thinking something or why you [00:47:30] are coming from that angle or where you're coming from or what your mindset is.

[00:47:34] Eli Weinstein: Full communication is letting all the stuff that you have, all the finishers of a sentence, the whys, the hows, the what, the who, all those things out. And people get pushback. "Ellie, that's so difficult. So much work." Yes. Would you rather have half a sentence and get into arguments every time? Isn't that also a lot of work?

[00:47:53] Eli Weinstein: So having full communication is just explaining yourself fully of why it matters. "Hey, can you take out the-- can you clean the dishes tonight?" [00:48:00] "I'm really tired. I had a long day. I had a lot of meetings. I need to sit down." " Of course. I got your back." Now, it would be easier if someone said, "Hey, can you just do the dishes?"

[00:48:09] Eli Weinstein: And I said, "Yes." But sometimes, especially men, need a lot more direction, a lot more explanation of the whys and the hows and the who's and the what's so that I can be on board, not have resentment, not hate on you, not get upset at you, but understand what and why and how you're coming from an idea [00:48:30] and have your back.

[00:48:32] Eli Weinstein: So those are the two things that I haven't said yet that I think are just, just important, easy layups that we can really

[00:48:37] Alessandro: Beautiful.

[00:48:38] Eli Weinstein: Start implementing.

[00:48:39] Alessandro: Beautiful. That's really beautiful. And, people can just get it on Amazon online?

[00:48:44] Eli Weinstein: Amazon, Barnes & Nobles online, Books-A-Million, my website. It's on my website with all the links that you can find, which is ellieweinsteinlcsw.com. And, yeah, it's a fun time

[00:48:58] Alessandro: Writing is like, [00:49:00] uh, uh, it's like drawing blood from a stone sometimes. It's, uh, it's a, it's an interesting process to write

[00:49:07] Eli Weinstein: And, and I'm already crazy enough to think about writing another book, but the process itself was like giving birth to a baby

[00:49:14] Eli Weinstein: It is. It is. is a lot of effort and pain

[00:49:17] Alessandro: like ages ago. I wrote a feature film and it was one of the most painful things I've ever done. But, it's, it's just interesting 'cause like writing-wise, it's good to talk to you about a book.

[00:49:26] Eli Weinstein: I'm not going anywhere, you know? You can always talk to me another time too

[00:49:29] Alessandro: [00:49:30] I love, I just love, like the, the drive and the passion to be able to write a book, you know? I, I, I have some ideas and, and things that I wanna write about, but I'd love to know, you know, and this is good for the listeners, why was this book needed to be written? Why go through that hard process and actually write it?

[00:49:49] Alessandro: Why not just wait for that TV show one day, like your Dr. Phil style? Why write that book? Why, what, what made you have to draw blood from the [00:50:00] stone?

[00:50:00] Eli Weinstein: So, uh, I'll give the sassy answer and not sugarcoat it, um, 'cause I don't know what the hell's gonna happen in the future. I had an opportunity now. Someone called me... A publishing company called me and said, "We want you to write a book." First of all, the fact that that happens is unhear- is not very normal.

[00:50:14] Eli Weinstein: Usually, you have to write a book, write a lot of the book, go to book agents, pitch it to companies. They analyze how many followers you have and all those things. They go, "You're not worthy of a book ' cause you are not worth the investment." I don't have a lot of [00:50:30] followers. I wish I did just so I can help and impact more people.

[00:50:33] Eli Weinstein: That's really why. Maybe get a little extra money here and there and pay my bills better, but it's not for fame. If fame happens, awesome. It means I wanna help-- I just wanna help more people in a real, honest way that's practical. So someone reached out to me and gave me the opportunity that I could have never gotten ' Cause who knows what's gonna happen?

[00:50:51] Eli Weinstein: The show, the fame, all that stuff might not happen, but I knew what I had in front of me, which was an opportunity. So I grabbed it with a lot of fear, [00:51:00] a lot of anxiety, a lot of pain. I mean, I cried a lot. I even went back to therapy to help work through it because it was so much self-doubt of, "Why me? I'm not worthy.

[00:51:11] Eli Weinstein: This is not enough. This is not gonna be good enough." 'Cause when I write, I write very personal, like I'm talking. I don't write academically. I don't write... And that's the book is a very personal me to you, like how I'm talking to you now. I talk about poop explosions and vomit and diarrhea. My publisher even said, "I think there's enough poop [00:51:30] explosion stories."

[00:51:30] Eli Weinstein: I'm like, "Nope. That's what it's like to have a baby." I talk about the crying and the pain. I talk about the human side of what it is to have a marriage. Why now? I don't know. It's not for me to answer. I don't know why z- G- you know, God, whoever, karma, gave me the opportunity. The opportunity came, and I wasn't gonna let it pass me and then regret that.

[00:51:49] Eli Weinstein: I was gonna give it a shot. So when I got the opportunity, I even asked for a little extra time. They asked me to write it in, like, seven months or eight months. I asked for 10 months. I said, "I wanna do this right and well," [00:52:00] and I took my time, and I went through a lot of ups and downs with the process.

[00:52:03] Eli Weinstein: There were some days that it just flew from me. I was writing for hours. And there were days where I couldn't even write a sentence while... but also basically having two kids, a private practice, and a podcast. It was late nights, a lot of effort, and my amazing wife to have my back to say, "I'm gonna take the kids for four or five hours on a Sunday.

[00:52:21] Eli Weinstein: You sit and write." And that's what we did, and it took everything from me, like every part of my soul. And the hard part is, for anyone who's listening who might be going through a process [00:52:30] of creating something, the high of that effort, when it comes out, there's a massive depressive drop afterwards because then you go, "Well, now what?"

[00:52:41] Eli Weinstein: And, you know, that's the stage two of publishing a book is, okay, it's the consistency, the showing up how you feel comfortable, the being kind to yourself, and the grace for yourself. And the same thing goes for having a kid, right? You're waiting and waiting and waiting, putting the thing together and all this stuff, and the baby comes, and it doesn't hit all the markers that you hope or [00:53:00] click the way you hoped, and you go, "What was this all for?

[00:53:03] Eli Weinstein: This is hard. now what?" Now what is the daily grind of showing up when it's hard, when it's tough, when it's good, when it's great, when it's cute, and just doing the best you can and giving yourself the kindness when you struggle through that. A- and I'm in that battle right now. I'll be honest. Some days I feel like I'm winning in that battle, and a lot of days I don't.

[00:53:23] Eli Weinstein: But, uh, the battle's there, and I'm showing up for it, so nothing more I can do about that.

[00:53:29] Alessandro: [00:53:30] Thanks, Sally. It's really, I appreciate you and I appreciate everything you've come on for. You've, come on and been real and, really brought yourself to, to shut the fuck up and listen. So if you could say one last thing to our aspiring better husbands out there in this world, what would it be?

[00:53:45] Eli Weinstein: You can. You can do it. You don't know how yet, and you will figure it out. And the biggest thing I will say is don't try to be like your wife in how she does things. Figure out what it's [00:54:00] like to be a parent with your energy, your soul, your skills. I'm a silly guy. I read books with voices. I play with my kids in ways that my wife does not.

[00:54:10] Eli Weinstein: It's not bad or good. Find your way of doing it that is within the guidelines, of course, safety and health and all those things. But just enjoy the process of finding your connection, your way of doing parenting with your kid. Have your inside jokes. Have your cutesy things. Do your things without [00:54:30] shame and embarrassment.

[00:54:31] Eli Weinstein: Be you with your kid, not someone else, and enjoy that process of finding what that looks like. 'Cause once you do, it's the best. It's the best

[00:54:40] Alessandro: Thanks so much for coming on, Ellie

[00:54:42] Eli Weinstein: Thanks for having me 

[00:54:43] Alessandro Frosali: That's the episode. That's all I got for you today. I just want you to remember you're not alone in this. Make sure you subscribe to stay connected, of course, and comment your win. You know? 'cause every time a man sees other men winning, they don't feel alone anymore, and I love that tools are in the show notes, starting with the better husband in two minute [00:55:00] emails.

[00:55:00] Alessandro Frosali: Let's build this together. I'll see you next week.