[00:00:00] Alessandro Frosali: Have you ever thought, "Oh, my wife is just so negative"? If you've ever thought that, this is the episode for you. I'm Alessandro Frassali, this is Shut the Fuck Up and Listen. Now, this is actually a special episode. I am doing a little series where I'm going to read the most replied to Better Husband in Two Minute emails that I ever did, right?
[00:00:23] Alessandro Frosali: Now, let's answer what the fuck is a Better Husband in Two Minute email. If you've only just been listening to the podcast, [00:00:30] well, I've actually been running a email series for the last year. Over 75 emails, over 22,000 men read these emails every single week, and they're some of my best fucking work. I've got some great written pieces there.
[00:00:46] Alessandro Frosali: Like, I literally just spend my Friday nights or sometimes Saturday mornings writing these emails out and, and I think they're gonna be the basis of what I ever do too, 'cause I, I tease out my ideas here. And often I'll create an email that just gets, gets it [00:01:00] so right that I just get a wall of replies from men going, "Holy fuck, how did you get that right?"
[00:01:07] Alessandro Frosali: So I thought, "Okay, well, my wife is going to give birth to our first son in either an hour or two weeks. We don't know at this point, and I am going to have like six weeks where I don't actually have content for the podcast." So instead of just getting guests and doing this and, and doing that, why don't I actually do something special for you, which is reading these emails out [00:01:30] and then expanding upon them.
[00:01:31] Alessandro Frosali: So that's what we're gonna do right now, and we're gonna start with the three-day rule. So let's dive in. Let's read this email, and then I'm going to talk about it. Let's talk about it Hey, first name. One of the biggest things I hear from husbands is, "My wife is just so negative." It's usually the sighs, the frustration, the short answers, the bad mood that somehow s- seems to leak into [00:02:00] everything.
[00:02:00] Alessandro Frosali: And of course, you start thinking, "Does she have to be like this all the time?" Well, welcome to the Better Husband Email, the three-day rule. P.S. today's edition should probably be called Better Husband in Two Minutes, give or take seven. Turns out this one needed a lot more room than usual. I reckon your marriage is worth the extra five minutes.
[00:02:19] Alessandro Frosali: And then I give a little wink emoji. All right, here we go. Let's paint the picture. Your wife asks you to stop reacting defensively, maybe to stop taking everything personally, be more patient, and [00:02:30] actually show up differently. You decide to take her up on it. I mean, you've sent, uh, you've been sent so many fucking reels by coaches and influencers at this point, you may as well see if these fucking idiots are right.
[00:02:40] Alessandro Frosali: So you're on day one of the new good husband, and you're fucking on it. Two fire emojis. You're like, "I've got this." You're making dinner. You're remembering all the things on the list. You're paying attention. You're catching yourself before you get defensive. She points out something you forgot, however. No problem.
[00:02:59] Alessandro Frosali: I see it. [00:03:00] I got it. You're actually being a really good husband. Then day two rolls around. This one is pretty similar, but your resolve isn't quite as strong. She wakes up after another shit night's sleep, and inside you're already thinking, "Oh, for fuck's sake, another day of this?" But you catch yourself.
[00:03:20] Alessandro Frosali: " Nope, I've got this." Then she says something. In hindsight, not even a huge thing. Maybe she says, "Why didn't you do that?" Now, you know she's literally not [00:03:30] asking why. At least that's not what your brain hears as well, right? What you hear is, "You're a fucking idiot." So you bite your tongue, you let it go. Your words in your head spoken through gritted teeth is, "You're being good.
[00:03:43] Alessandro Frosali: You're being good. You're being good." But something chipped away for sure. Then comes day three. She wakes up unhappy again, and here comes the internal snap. "What the fuck? I've been doing this for two days. Why do I always have to be the one staying calm? Why do I always have [00:04:00] to be the one being nice?" You steel your resolve, but you're slightly grumpy while doing the dishes.
[00:04:05] Alessandro Frosali: Then she says one more thing that feels like criticism, and that's it. You fire back. "You've been at... You've been like this for three fucking days while I've been doing everything." And now you're fighting And somehow by the end of the conversation, she's telling you that you're the problem, that you need to change, and you're sitting there thinking, "Are you fucking serious?"
[00:04:28] Alessandro Frosali: That sound familiar? [00:04:30] God, I could make 10 emails about what's going on here, and if enough of you reply and tell me that this situation is familiar, maybe I will. By the way, I got like 30 replies to that email, so I probably should have to write some more emails about it. Anyway, here's what I think is actually happening.
[00:04:46] Alessandro Frosali: When your wife asks you to be a better husband, she's probably asking for something completely different to what you think. Let's look at your thir-- thoughts versus hers. When men ask wives to be better, [00:05:00] men in general want more peace and ease. So when they are asking for better from their wives, usually They're asking their wives, "Can you be nicer?
[00:05:11] Alessandro Frosali: Can you not talk to me so badly? Can you not ask so much of me? Can you relax? Can you want me more? Can you have more fun with me? Can you not worry about all the little fucking things? Can you hear and understand me?" So why does this fucking matter, Alessandro? Well, your version of what a [00:05:30] good husband is, is directly related to what you think a good wife is.
[00:05:35] Alessandro Frosali: In simpler terms, you will try and be a good husband based on the actions you wish your wife would do for you. So you spend three days trying to manage yourself around her mood and be a good husband based on what you believe a good husband is. But I don't actually think that's what she's asking. Most wives I speak to aren't asking their husbands to become happier.
[00:05:56] Alessandro Frosali: They are asking him to become more [00:06:00] involved. Think about this. Being a good husband based on your standards of being a good wife will not last more than three days because it is the wrong metric, and you do something dangerous. You judge your ability to be a good husband on her emotions. Without even realizing it, you make your ability to stay grounded depend on whether she's having a good day.
[00:06:24] Alessandro Frosali: Think about how fucking fragile that is. If she sleeps badly, your day changes. If [00:06:30] she's frustrated, your day changes. If she's overwhelmed, now you feel overwhelmed. So what is she actually asking for? When women ask husbands to be better, women in general aren't asking for more smiles. They're usually asking for more shared responsibility.
[00:06:48] Alessandro Frosali: Can you notice what needs to be done without me asking? Can you actually carry some of the mental load? Can I stop feeling like a project manager of this household? Can I trust that when something needs doing, you'll own it? Can you stop [00:07:00] waiting me for hit breaking point before you realize something needs to change?
[00:07:04] Alessandro Frosali: Can you be a part of where we are going with me instead of me having to drag you? Can you hear and understand me? You see the mismatch at all? You're trying to become what you want in a wife. She's asking for what she needs in a husband. Those aren't automatically the same thing, and that's why your good husband only lasts three days, because you're using the wrong metric.
[00:07:29] Alessandro Frosali: You're spending all your [00:07:30] energy trying to tolerate her mood. Meanwhile, she's wondering whether you'll notice the overflowing washing basket, whether you'll remember the school form, whether you'll see she's exhausted before she has to spell it out, whether, for once, she won't have to be the one holding the whole bloody thing together, initiating, seeing, managing, doing, delegating, tracking whether it's done well.
[00:07:54] Alessandro Frosali: I added that bit 'cause the email needed that, and the email was a little bit too long anyway. [00:08:00] Anyway, that's a completely different conversation I remember saying to Julia once, "Why don't you just accept me for who I am?" Without even blinking, she shot back, "Interesting. Do you accept me for who I am?" That one sat with me for a while because honestly, it was a big fat fucking no.
[00:08:16] Alessandro Frosali: I accepted the version of Julia that made my life easier. Playful Julia, relaxed Julia, Julia that laughed a lot and wanted to hang out. But tired Julia, overwhelmed Julia, a bit shorter than normal because [00:08:30] she had a bad night's sleep Julia, I wanted that version to disappear as quickly as possible. I wasn't accepting Julia, I was accepting the version of Julia that made me feel comfortable.
[00:08:40] Alessandro Frosali: These days, I don't judge whether I'm being a good husband by Julia's mood, I judge it by me. Did I stay curious? Did I lean in instead of pulling away? Did I look for the truth before getting caught up in the tone? Did I actually share the responsibility of our life together? Now for the ending to this email that completely ignored the two-minute [00:09:00] rule.
[00:09:00] Alessandro Frosali: Maybe what you've been calling negativity is actually just a human being having a bad or hard week. The three-day rule for men isn't really about surviving three days with a wife who's in a mood. It's realizing that if you can only commit to something for three days before you burst, it's probably the wrong types of change.
[00:09:19] Alessandro Frosali: That change was conditional on your expectations of her. The better way is to look at the last line of what both men and women wanted. The last line from what both men and [00:09:30] women wanted was exactly the same. Do you remember it? It was, "Can you hear and understand me?" Yep. It is so much more efficient to work to understand your partner at their level, not yours.
[00:09:45] Alessandro Frosali: Then the change will last more than three days. Sending love to you all, Alessandro. That was Better Husband email, the three-day rule. You know, there's not much more to share on that. I think that fucking email was fire. So if you wanna jump on the Better [00:10:00] Husband emails, I'll make sure my podcast guy puts the link below so you can join them.
[00:10:04] Alessandro Frosali: All right. Next, next week on Shut the Fuck Up and Listen, I'm gonna read another one of our best emails. That's the episode. That's all I got for you today. I just want you to remember you're not alone in this. Make sure you subscribe to stay connected, of course, and comment your win. You know? 'cause every time a man sees other men winning, they don't feel alone anymore, and I love that tools are in the show notes, starting with the better husband in two minute emails.
[00:10:27] Alessandro Frosali: Let's build this together. I'll see you next week.
