[00:00:00] Alessandro Frosali: Is your wife criticizing you no matter what you do? Welcome to Shut the Fuck Up and Listen. My name's Alessandro Frassali. This is the podcast where we go from boy behaviors to healthy man behaviors and help you become a better husband.
[00:00:12] Alessandro Frosali: Today, we are in, you know, number two of my little series of reading The Better Husband in two-minute emails because, well, I needed to batch some content because I'm gonna be away for a while as I become a first-time dad. But this is a good idea because these emails were the most [00:00:30] replied to emails in my, email series. Now, what on earth is my Better Husband in Two Minute emails? Well, I send them out every single Saturday. Over twenty-two thousand men read them every single weekend. And I judge whether they're good or not by how many replies I get to the email, and what I, what I reply.
[00:00:48] Alessandro Frosali: Sometimes the men come to me and tell me, "Oh my God, you've got my situation to a T," or they ask questions, or, or they relate to the situations. This email that we're gonna talk about today is one called Task C. [00:01:00] So let's get into it. Hope you enjoy. Hey, first name. Is your wife criticizing you no matter what you do?
[00:01:08] Alessandro Frosali: Like, for example, if you did one of two tasks she asked you to do, she would just be upset that you didn't do the other one. It can feel like that, right? So maybe she's just never happy no matter what, right? Or could there be something else going on? Let's find out. This is Better Husband email Task C. One of the men inside the Better Husband [00:01:30] Academy 2.0 asked a really good question this week.
[00:01:33] Alessandro Frosali: He said something along the lines of, "Whenever I take initiative, my wife criticizes what I choose to do. If I do task A, she says I should have done task B. If I'd done task B, I feel like she would've said task A was more important. So eventually, I stop taking initiative and just wait to be told what to do.
[00:01:52] Alessandro Frosali: Then she gets frustrated that I don't fucking take initiative." Now At first glance, this sounds like a problem about task A [00:02:00] and task B. It might even seem like a problem with a wife's criticism. But what if it is none of these? And what if the real problem is task C? Okay, what the fuck are you on about, Alessandro?
[00:02:14] Alessandro Frosali: Well, you say you are doing task A or task B that she asked for, but you are really doing task C, appeasement. A lot of husbands think they're trying to help or do what their wife has asked, but [00:02:30] underneath the whole thing, they're actually trying to avoid, avoid her criticism, avoid getting it wrong, avoid the look, avoid the sigh, avoid upsetting her, avoid the tension.
[00:02:45] Alessandro Frosali: So what's the problem with doing that? Well, it's dangerous. When we are in avoidance of something, we are not actually trying to get task A or task B done. Task C is the main priority, and that has a dangerous flow-on effect where you [00:03:00] stop thinking clearly. You rush or you second-guess yourself, or literally do task A because it's less inconvenient than task B or vice versa.
[00:03:09] Alessandro Frosali: This rushed, panicky way of doing tasks, women can sniff this shit out fast You and I both know that. And then I give a little like smiley, laughy emoji with a sweat sign on the brow. You know the one. Now imagine this. She might not be able to put into words, but she can literally find out if you [00:03:30] are doing task C, doing the task just to appease her, by simply challenging you.
[00:03:36] Alessandro Frosali: All she has to do is question the decision. "Why are you doing task A? Task B is obviously more important." Now watch carefully. If you instantly get defensive, scramble, em- explain emotionally, change direction, or collapse, panic, it tells her fucking everything. You were not doing task A or task B, you were doing task C.
[00:03:57] Alessandro Frosali: That's the difference. Now compare that to [00:04:00] the ideal better husband who has actually thought things through. She says, "Why are you doing task A? Task B is clearly more urgent," even in a spicy tone. And the better husband calmly says, "Yeah, I get why you'd think that. I started with task A because I wanted this handled first.
[00:04:20] Alessandro Frosali: I've already thought about task B, and I'll get to it after this." Notice what's missing there. He's not panicking or folding. He's definitely not acting like a nervous [00:04:30] employee asking his manager if he cleaned the kitchen correctly. He thought it through, and weirdly enough, that is what creates stability in his marriage.
[00:04:40] Alessandro Frosali: I hope you see this distinction. It's important. If one small line can crumble the tower you built, it wasn't that fucking stable to begin with. I even think in these situations women might subconsciously test their men. How efficient. She might subconsciously think, "I want a man who thinks through things, not based on my mood.
[00:04:59] Alessandro Frosali: Well, [00:05:00] let me alter my mood for a moment and see if he crumbles. Oh, he did? Guess what? I was right. He didn't fucking think it through." The goal is not to avoid criticism. The real goal is to stop organizing your entire behavior around avoiding criticism in the first place. When you do something, do it properly.
[00:05:18] Alessandro Frosali: With love, from a man who always used to do task C. That is Better Husband email, task C. All right. Hope you enjoyed that one. I don't think we have to dive too much into that one. I [00:05:30] mean, look, appeasement is a huge issue in relationships. Anchoring your whole mood into hers is a huge issue.
[00:05:36] Alessandro Frosali: And, and I get it. It's, it's one of those things where, you know, like you really do care about her emotions, and sometimes you wouldn't even doing task A or task B, if, if it wasn't for her emotions or if it wasn't that she was gonna not get upset. But that's a problem, okay? You and her are on a team.
[00:05:51] Alessandro Frosali: if she has standards or if she has ideals of how things should be, work with her, right? Understand what they are so that you can be on the same team, and then you [00:06:00] can care about it as much as she does. It's a much simpler way to get to, avoid task C altogether. We don't wanna just appease.
[00:06:09] Alessandro Frosali: We wanna actually be in our lives and love the things as much as our wives do, so we can love our life as well. All right, hope you enjoyed. if you want to sign up for the Better Husband emails, I suggest you do. I'll make sure my podcast editing guy puts the link right below so that you can join the Better Husband Intimate emails.
[00:06:29] Alessandro Frosali: [00:06:30] That's the episode. That's all I got for you today. I just want you to remember you're not alone in this. Make sure you subscribe to stay connected, of course, and comment your win. You know? 'cause every time a man sees other men winning, they don't feel alone anymore, and I love that tools are in the show notes, starting with the better husband in two minute emails.
[00:06:46] Alessandro Frosali: Let's build this together. I'll see you next week.
