DSTRESS Podcast

Episode 6 - How Quality Relationships And Inner Work Shape Real Happiness

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What if happiness isn’t something you chase, but something you protect by lowering unnecessary stress? We dive into the real mechanics of feeling good, moving past quick highs and surface wins to build a steadier baseline through honest self-work and better relationships. Drawing on the long-running happiness research, we unpack why a few strong connections beat a crowd of casual followers—and why social media signals often mislead us about what actually makes life feel rich.

We get practical fast. Feelings are biology in motion; they’re the body’s stress language. When you can read those signals, you can act before spirals take over. Kaz shares a raw health scare that triggered fear and future-tripping, then walks through the reframe that changed her day: the “Stop” technique, telling the exact truth, and taking simple, protective steps. That shift didn’t just calm her mind; it prevented stress from leaking into family dynamics and preserved the quality of her closest relationships.

We also talk masks and mindset. You can stack habits and quotes, but if you’re pretending while your body sounds the alarm, the mask eventually cracks. Pair mindset with mechanics—breath to downshift arousal, presence to widen perspective, and daily choices that cut stress at the source. Think better sleep, tidier spaces, and short gratitude breaks that reconnect you with the present. Happiness becomes less about conditions and more about capacity: your ability to intercept red stuff, tell the truth, and nurture the bonds that make life worth living.

Less unnecessary stress, more happiness. That’s the throughline, and it’s achievable. Listen, try the “Stop” technique this week, and invest in one relationship that truly matters. If this helped, follow the show, share with a friend, and leave a quick review so more people can find these tools. What spiral will you stop today?

Setting The Stakes: Stress And Happiness

Caz

Stress is the biggest killer in the world.

D

Welcome to D Stress with D and Caz. Both are crowning achievements for not ending in lines. So we're talking about mental health.

Caz

Too many of us are suffering silently. So go grab yourself a cup up.

D

And let's get real and raw because you are worth so much more. Hello and welcome back to another episode with me, D. And me, Caz. Hiya. And what we're going to talk about today, Caz? Happiness. Yeah. That's the thing, isn't it?

unknown

Yeah.

D

How happy how happy are you?

Caz

I'm very happy. As happy as I can be.

D

How about if I'd have asked you six months ago?

Caz

Ooh. Now that's a whole episode in it.

D

Yeah, I mean, that's up and down, isn't it? And things that are going on in life at the time. So your level of happiness, degree of happiness, is very much according to the state of play of your world, really, and what's going on.

Caz

Absolutely. With the you know, crisis with the world going on at the moment, with the food prices and everything going up, it you know, it's a it's it's a tough time for everybody. Um so, but thanks to what you've taught me, D, this is why I'm the happiest I've ever been, even in these financial difficult times that we're all facing.

Defining Happiness Amid Hard Times

The 75-Year Happiness Study

Quality Over Quantity In Relationships

D

Yeah, we just had a conversation before we came online about how things are the most difficult they've been. And that actually we're probably the happiest we've been. And it's a really good sign that it's not always about what's going on on the outside. It is sometimes very much to do with how you process it, process what's going on, as it were. So, on the subject of happiness, research has been done, and the research I'm talking about is something called the um happiness project, the 75-year happiness project. It was done over 75 years, as stated, and the most fantastic thing about it is for 75 years, following the same people as they've grown up, you know, changed their jobs, changed their relationships, had families, what they've come to, the conclusion is that happiness is very much to do with um good relationships. And obviously that loneliness is harmful and that it's um quality over quantity when it comes to relationships. So if you've only got one or two people in your life that you have a really good relationship with, over having hundreds of people and having hundreds of relationships, it's the quality of the relationship that counts having happiness. So the happiness that we're talking about today is very much about the feeling of quality of life that we talked about in previous episodes. And at the end of the day, the more good relationships you have, healthy relationships you have, will determine the degree of happiness you experience. So yes. So basically cut the BS out. Oh, all the time. And the thing is unnecessary drama. If you think about social media, it's become very evident that most people on social media are focused on the amount of followers they have and friends they have, and it's given us a false sense of security with regards to happiness because you think the more you've got, the happier you should be. But actually, that's not what's happening. I'll take your word for that on social media. Yeah, well, we but neither of us do it. But what we know and the evidence that we've got from having relationships with people that do have it, it's not difficult to see, or even if you've you've only got to look online and see the problems that social media is creating. But again, the point I'm making is the more friends you have, the more relationships you have doesn't mean the happier you'll be, it's the quality of the relationship that you have.

Caz

Isn't social media more about sort of rather than connection, it's more about trying to impress?

D

Well, I would say that there's an element of that, definitely, because um, yeah, nobody wants to be seen on there with although have you ever seen somebody show me something on one of them about rate my plate. I'm sorry I've got to mention it, and it's about your food. And people will serve up a dinner and it looks absolutely fantastic, and then somebody's perception of their dinner thinking that it's really good. I mean, we're going off scale here, but uh yeah, yeah. So being good is um or being better, and yeah, it's very much part of social media, I believe, but none of that really counts. None of it really matters about any of it because the bottom line is, as I believe, is the quality of the relationship that you have with whomever you have as following you or your beans on toast on a plate on social media. It's even worse than that. It's even worse than that, I think. Some of them pictures that I've seen anyway. So coming back to happiness, Caz, um which which way are we gonna go with this to portray our take on it?

Caz

Well, I think you know, if you explain what you say that happiness, what it does, how it feels, how it's the perception is with happiness. Because some people think, oh, winning the lottery would make me happy, and then realizing that's just a quick fix that, you know, you can only laugh for so many minutes.

Social Media’s Illusion Of Connection

D

Yeah. So winning the lottery, um, getting a new job, finding a new relationship, um, having a baby, getting married, all of those wonderful things in life that we do, have, experience, are around um or sorry, are focused, or we focus on the feelings that we get from them. You know, and and feelings are something that we take for granted that we don't really take notice of. We talk about how we feel, but nobody really understands what feelings are about.

Caz

Yeah, because our feelings are a perfect indicator of what's really going on inside, aren't they, D? Oh, yes, very well put. Very well put.

D

Did you did you steal that from me somewhere along the line?

Caz

I might have done it. Yeah, I might have done. 2017?

D

Yeah, they they really do indicate what's actually going on, and and unfortunately, people still, the vast majority don't appreciate what feelings are, and they are just hormones and chemicals in our bodies that uh I believe and I teach that um it's the language of stress. Our feelings are utilizing the stress hormones and the stress um system. Um, they are the language of the body having issues, it's our body telling us from the inside our feelings, saying what needs changing, what doesn't need changing, but we don't really understand. Very few people, even though there's lots of information out there at the moment about our inner worlds, very few people are able to interact with their inner world, and that's the skill, that's the thing that we need to learn to do.

Caz

But do you think that's because you know it's almost taken over with technology and screens that we hardly we ever never really reflect and look inside ourselves and get in touch with our feelings.

Feelings As The Body’s Stress Language

D

They're frightening, aren't they? You don't really want to understand, you don't really want to engage with thinking about them or understanding them because nine times out of ten, the way we feel is not good in this world today, which is what the problem, the problems of mental health are all about. It's all about our feelings, and of course, being on the inside, they're easy to mask, they're easy to cover up. He was looking at me so lovingly then I thought you had something to say.

Caz

I was just going into my happy moment of all feelings and bubbly. Thinking about how good you feel, yeah.

D

I do, I feel very good. So happiness, if you think about the way you feel, as Caz said, it's a good indicator as to what's actually going on inside you. But getting back to what people perceive as happiness, like you say we talked about winning the lottery or getting married, I mean that they're they're wonderful things and and they give you feel-good chemicals in your body because it's a nice thing to feel. However, if, as with the case of trauma, for example, which is a very debatable subject in the world today, if you have trauma that hasn't been resolved or managed properly, or even let's come away from trauma which is quite heavy, just overstress red stuff that we talked about as well in a recent episode. If you have lots of that, that's coming from the process of your brain dealing with what you've logged and stored and filed in your brain since that experience, and all the happiness that you have in that interim period, say getting married or having a baby or winning the lottery, they're short-lived. It's all short-lived because everything will just revert back to the content of your brain and what we call your inner world. And that's the issue with happiness today is it's all very quick fix, quick fix, but they don't last. Nothing lasts because you're not actually getting in and changing the content of your brain, which is the backdrop to the threat and the challenge and the the stress that we're experiencing. So you can have all the money in the world, you can win the lottery, you can marry the most wonderful person, you can have 20 kids, but you're still unhappy. And that's what happened to me. That's what I think I remember telling you when I had my experience that I wasn't happy, but I did think on the surface that well, I've got what have I got to complain about? I've got everything, I want nothing to complain about. So you kind of mask it, and this is the thing. It's like we're all portraying happiness on the surface because we don't know how to deal with the reality of how we actually feel on the inside.

Caz

Being honest with yourself, yeah, yeah.

Quick Fix Joy Versus Inner Work

D

So um it's really important to sort of get your head around the fact that being happy here and there with things that are happening are great, but you soon realise that actually that happiness is short-lived when you start to get the feelings, which is the problem of the stress that we have now, the red stuff, and that's all the you know, the it's not always about emotions, it can be physical, it can be tiredness, fatigue, you know, skin complaints, etc., digestive problems, irritable bowel. That's kind of the beginning, like we've talked about.

Caz

I know when I'm happier inside, um, you know, my house is tidier, I sleep better, I'm more focused. 100%. She's given me that look. Focused. I'm more focused, and it's just everything seems so much clearer when I'm feeling happy.

D

So, as you said that, were you thinking about why you're clearer?

Caz

Because it's about managing the red stuff and keeping my stress levels down. And then when I have what we call a challenge at the CCTs, um I manage it um straight away. I've actually had one that's been niggling at me. It's a good example. It's a very good example. How are we prepared to share it? Um, because you guys as I've explained to you, I'm a type 1 diabetic, and for 18 years I go for my retinal screening, which is to check my eyes, and it's the first time ever, and I'm at a stage one of retinal neuropathy, um, which can lead to blindness.

D

I can see the CCT in you talking about it's like you're not breathing. Breathe, skill, breathe.

Caz

You feel see my shoulders driving.

D

Yeah, what a brilliant example, though, of how your brain's producing and dealing with stress hormone because again, it's about surviving and thriving. Your brain unconscious is all it wants to do.

Kaz’s Health Scare And Reframing

Caz

But yeah, sorry, I interrupted you there. That's okay. So I'm feeling very happy inside, the happiest I've ever been. And then all of a sudden, yeah, the red stuff creeps in and says, Oh my goodness, you could go blind. But what it's actually really telling me, and what D helped me with, was it's actually a reminder to keep on top of my sugar levels, make sure they're not spiking all the time, because this is what starts you know the blindness off or this eye disease off. So it's actually, even though um I saw it as a challenge or a threat, it's actually a really good reminder. And it's also protecting me. You must manage your levels, you must stay on top of things so that you don't go blind. And that makes me feel happy to for something that I got through the post which felt so negative and challenged me, and now I flipped it, and D's helped me to turn it around.

D

Okay, I think that's a really good example to actually use that now to actually talk about catching it, becoming aware of what happened, and then what I've suggested to Caz is literally remind yourself that this is not a big deal. I'm not there. That's my brain thinking ahead that I'm gonna get blind straight away, I'm gonna lose my sight. Whereas it's not that at all, it's just warning you that there's a chance here that if you don't work at managing your levels, your sugar levels, that this could get out of hand. So you just quite simply tell yourself the truth. It's early days, it's an opportunity for me to work harder, it's doing yeah, and it's literally you can end up saying, Um, you know, so use the word stop so you're aware of that thought in your brain, and you say stop, it's not that bad. This is how it is, with whatever it is you're gonna tell yourself how it is, what we've just explained, and then before long, within a day or two, even a few hours, you will only have to use the word stop, and your brain automatically knows that that stop word means all of those things that you said before, uh-huh, and then you don't have to really work at it, it's just stopping it, but reminding yourself all the while that you must do it, you must stay consistent with breaking the pattern of that negative phone.

Caz

I think as well, still quite raw. So it jumps into my mind and says, Oh my goodness, I'm 50, I don't want to go blind, and then it's a case of stop because you're not going to go blind. This is at early stages, this is to make you very aware and to keep on top of things so you don't progress to the next stage.

D

And a really good opportunity here to mention the fact that had you have not done that, we didn't have the conversation about it, you could have easily, unconsciously, without knowing you were doing it, fed that file all day long, which then ramps up your stress hormone, which then takes away or becomes, you know, you talk about being clear and having clarity, then you become murky and and your thoughts become fuzzy, and then before you know it, you feel ten times worse than you did when you got the letter because you've got yourself into such a frenzy about this negative CCT that you've received, and you didn't consciously intervene on those thoughts and break the pattern.

Pattern-Breaking: The “Stop” Technique

Caz

And if I carried on escalating throughout the day, that could when I say jeopardise, that's a bit of a harsh word. But if my kids come in, which they're older, um, I could end up snapping at them, not meaning to, um, just where my, you know, I'm feeling challenged, the red stuff, my levels are raised. It's not their fault, but if I don't catch it and manage it, I could end up snapping at them for it's no fault of it.

D

Affecting the relationship you have with your children, or whoever it would be, your poor husband, if he came home in the middle of that, and so on.

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Protecting Relationships From Red Stuff

D

Again, so yeah, quality of life, relationships. Not married, guys, happiness. She keeps saying that. I'm sure she's after something in the telling now. Either way, whichever way we look at it, happiness is in the eye of the beholder. Let's say the perception of the individual according to what experience of life they've had, how they've logged and stored and filed it, is actually what determines your degree of happiness. So it's not all about having this. Is why people who have everything, or this is why lots of people who have everything, you would think that they would be happy. And while we're on the subject of it, I think it's safe to say that we can mention Madonna. Yes. Right now. Both of us have just watched a video of Madonna talking about her experience of Kabbalah. Her first interview in nine years. Ever. Outside of promoting an album or something. Talking about. And um, it's a great watch. Listen. Um, yes, Madonna, you can thank us for promoting you there. Um and it's just the perfect example if you watch that to s to to to to see about, sorry, to experience what she's talking about with having everything, and yet she still has issues with happiness and feelings and behaviour. So it's all around, you know, everybody, even Madonna has these things. Yeah, whether you like her or you don't, it's a great example.

Caz

Well, like Madonna says, every day is a lesson.

D

Yeah. Well, we've been living that, haven't we, darling, all these years? You know, it's an opportunity. So every time we have a CCT, a change, challenge, or a threat, um, we are very much we're we're pretty good now on on um and listen, people that know us know that we're not perfect. And we can such thing as perfect slip off that pedestal very easily when it comes to CCTs, according to obviously where you are, red stuff and it's a lot of things.

Caz

Change, challenge, and threats.

D

Yeah. So when you have those, they we see them as perfect opportunities to continue. Practicing, applying, and maintaining our approach to managing red stuff. Because why wouldn't you when you know what we know and you know that you can be really affected by a CCT and your happiness, as it were, if you're thinking about happiness in itself, um, just disappears. All it does is get swallowed up by red stuff that you're allowing to happen because you're unconscious and unaware of what we just said with Caz's example. It's the same thing, and millions of people are doing this all day, every day. Every single person with mental health issues, every single person with depression, every single person with anxiety are going through.

Caz

All day, every day. All day, every day.

D

And it's not it's not necessary. It doesn't have to be because we are all capable of intervening on this inner world when you know how, of course, um, in a way that actually 100% immediately can stop that excess stress hormone in your body being produced. And it is just a wonderful thing to know how to do.

Caz

Absolutely. For me to say I'm one of the happiest I've ever been and received a letter like that, you know, how quickly you can flip it up and change it into a positive. Yeah. A positive way that sits comfortably.

Even Icons Struggle: The Madonna Example

D

I mean, this is another way of really talking about mindset. People talk about mindset, and that's you know, there's lots of things, meditation, you know, relaxation, um, you know, self-love, all of those wonderful things that are out there to promote having a better frame of mind or a better frame. We did. That was fun. Um it's really it's difficult to say that it's not I'm really I don't mean to sound like I'm struggling, but there's so much to say about it. I'm trying to think of saying what is going to make the most impact today, and I just want you to know that you can have or perceive yourself as having the greatest of mindsets, but if you feel like you're pretending and pulling a mask over and it's not real, and that if you were being blatantly honest with the person next to you about how you actually feel, it's not right.

Caz

Yeah, but because you always taught me, D, that the most important relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves.

Mindset, Masks, And Self-Honesty

D

Absolutely, and that's exactly what we've just talked about being able to understand and recognise when we're having excess stress activity in our bodies, if we aren't able to get in to our own selves in inner worlds, then you know, how can we possibly have the greatest relationships that we can have with those around us if we haven't even really got a relationship with ourselves, and we're telling ourselves lies, yeah, being in touch with our own feelings, yeah. And that's the thing today is and this isn't a nice thing to say, but everybody knows somebody who's doing everything they can to make their life better, but you've only got to hear them talk, and they do nothing but moan about life and criticise everybody, you know, that they're not the happiest of people to be around, their negative, their negativity is um, you know, it's I wouldn't say it's catchy if you don't allow it, but it's easy to be brought down by people, and yet they are all going to the gym and they're all eating as healthy as they can, you know, they're they're all making the effort to be full of self-love, but deep down they're not at all because they're not portraying that in their overall um expression of their day-to-day life, and it's it's it's no fun watching that.

Caz

I can hear the brains ticking with the listeners going, oh yes.

D

Yeah, we all know people, we all know people that are doing everything.

Caz

We all do we all we've all done it, it's about learning, yeah.

D

And there's there's no criticism here, it's literally about bringing or raising awareness so that everybody can say to themselves that we can all improve, we can all make a difference in all areas of our lives. So, for example, we've all got relationships throughout our lives, in you know, our self-relationship, the one we have with ourselves, is most importantly focused on our health, for example, our mental and physical health, because nobody else really can interject on that and make that change. You've got to do those things. But when it comes to relationships with others, like I just said, how can you have a great relationship with those around you or those that you see on a regular basis at work, for example, if you don't really understand yourself and don't know how you tick inside and what's going on and what makes you uh react and respond unnecessarily? This is why it's so important to get to know yourself, more important than knowing anyone else or having a relationship with anything else or doing anything else for yourself in any way, shape, or form with your physical or emotional health. Sorry, your physical health, not emotional health. Um, because if you're not in touch and in tune with you, how can you actually connect with and communicate with others in the best way you possibly can?

Caz

Well, I think most people um are at war with themselves, aren't they? Um with you know, we're both with peace, with peace, we've got purpose, we have connection with our friends, our relationships. But people that are at war with themselves, you know, how do they manage to work all day?

D

It's called masking, isn't it? You know, and this is where the trauma side of things, there's lots of terminology and phrases and and and words that trauma uh management uses, which is very, you know, go, it works very well with the stuff that we do, but they're just perfect examples like masking is that putting on that brave face that everything is okay, and it's not.

Caz

I wonder the percentage of people that are doing that, which takes a lot of energy to mask um themselves, how that might change their their work if they was happier, how much you know easier work might become while you're not fulfilling, you know. Yeah.

Know Yourself To Connect Better

D

I mean, straight away you just think about how many people are not at work, they're all signed off because of mental health issues, stress, you know, stress in the workplace is just as um damaging and oh, in fact, it's uh well I I I keep doing this because I've got so many years of understanding that um you know stress is everywhere and and all of those things are, yeah, very much so. You brought that to the surface. If you want to get better in these places, then you need to work on your inner worlds and your inner self.

Caz

And be honest with yourselves.

D

Totally. So actually, thinking about it, we really need to wrap this up because it's getting to the point where it's quite a long episode. And we need to do something about that, as in bring it to a close.

Caz

So to round up today's episode, D, about happiness and how important it is to us for our future and for our listeners' future, is that if you're not honest with yourself and get to know yourself and the way you tick on the inside, and change that thought process and manage your red stuff, excess stress, unnecessary stress, it will contribute and determine the degree of happiness that you'll experience in all areas of your life.

D

So, really, the nutshell of this is the less unnecessary stress you have in your brain and body, the happier you're gonna feel in all areas of your life. And that is it. There is no more to it. Less stress, more happiness.

Caz

More happiness requires less stress. And you know what, even the word happiness makes me smile, and we're so easy to forget that word with with the way the world is going, you know? Because to me, happiness is you know, it's a warm feeling inside.

Workplace Stress And Masking

D

As you said that makes me smile, yeah. As you said that, Caz, you know what came to mind? Children, three-year-olds, four-year-olds, no stress, no, or obviously the the ones who don't have trauma and childhood, adverse childhood experiences, but the general three-year-old's brain with the least stress it's ever gonna have in its life, and just gauge the happiness of a three-year-old child, you know. That's what we're talking about, and that's why it's so important to manage your unnecessary stress and get to know yourself and the way you tick and what your feelings are about, and how we log in, store, and file CCTs that are the instigator of the stress response being switched on unnecessarily, virtually all the time.

Caz

We do all need to get to understand that, even if you can spend, you know, a couple of hours a day just pausing, taking a minute, and smiling. Um, it doesn't have to be you could be looking at the sky, um, you could be looking at a nice tree, a nice plant, and that just makes us feel, you know, grateful and makes us slow down. And that brings me happiness.

D

And that's the word presence that's banded around all the time, and that's why presence works. And we're kind of giving you an explanation of the mechanics of presence. Yes, we're all about the mechanics and explaining that, as you all get to know as our podcast evolves and develops. So, hopefully, you've got an understanding now of what happiness is and how you can be happier, become happier, and why you are perhaps not as happy as you would like to be. It's been lovely speaking to you, and we look forward to seeing you again on our next episode. So, bye from me and bye from Caz.

Caz

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

D

Stress is everywhere, and it's winning if we stay quiet.

Caz

If you or someone you know could benefit from hearing our podcast, please follow and share

D

Because everyone's breaking these days and silence can kill.

Contributor

D

Host
Contributor

caz

Co-host