Episode 7 - You Can Rewire Stress By Understanding Your Mind–Body Signals

Stress can feel like a wall you can’t climb—until someone shows you where the footholds are. We open by challenging a common myth: stress isn’t the villain. The real harm comes from the “red stuff,” the unnecessary layer created by unhelpful language, confusion, and habits that keep the alarm system switched on. Through honest listener questions and a powerful story of loss, we map a calm, practical path forward that swaps overwhelm for understanding.

We dig into what people secretly want from help but rarely get: a clear explanation of what their mind and body are doing, and a framework they can use the same day. D shares why a particular therapy approach left her more stressed, not less, and how empathy plus common sense changed everything. From there we lay out three core principles—positive thinking, personal responsibility, relaxation—that turn stress from a runaway train into a set of switches you can control. You’ll hear how tiny language shifts stop “feeding the bear,” why can’t often hides learned helplessness, and how breath-led relaxation calms the body faster than rumination can ramp it up.

We also tackle the missing piece in many mental health journeys: practical mind–body education. Once you understand how thoughts prime physiology and how physiology colours thoughts, you can intervene early, shorten spirals, and rebuild confidence. The conversation stays grounded, human, and hopeful, with examples, metaphors, and lived experience guiding the way. By the end, you’ll have a simple mental model for reducing unnecessary stress, plus a handful of changes you can make this week to create breathing room—at work, at home, and in your relationships.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with someone who needs a lift, and leave a quick review. Your support helps more people find a calmer way through.

Transcript

Setting The Stakes On Stress

Caz 0:00

Stress is the biggest killer in the world.

D 0:03

Welcome to D-Stress with D and Caz. Both o ur crowning achievements where not urending o lives. So we're talking about mental health.

Caz 0:15

Too many of us are suffering silently. So go grab yourself a couple.

Recap: Stress And The Red Stuff

D 0:20

And let's get real and raw because you are worth so much more. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode. I'm D. And I'm Caz. We are going to recap this week to start with what the previous six episodes have been about to reinforce the reality of 21st century stress, which is what the world is full of at the moment, and it's this stress, the way we are describing it, that needs to be managed and reduced. So the first thing we're going to do is recap for you, which is the most important part is stress is not our enemy. It's a perfectly natural response to change, challenge, and threats, which affects four areas of all our lives.

Caz 1:09

It affects our health, our working lives, our relationships, and social, personal, and financial lives. It affects everything.

D 1:20

We have explained the problem itself is actually not stress, but the unhealthy and very unnecessary component of stress, which we call red stuff.

Caz 1:32

And it's this unnecessary red stuff which reduces human quality of life and affects our happiness.

D 1:41

It's becoming more crucial than ever. We must learn to recognise, eliminate, and manage as much of this red stuff as we possibly can.

Caz 1:50

And if we want to live healthier, happier, and who doesn't want to live healthier and happier lives, feel full of as much quality as we can manage.

D 2:00

And also have good, healthy relationships in there somewhere. That's always a good thing, isn't it, Caz? 100%. However, few or many, as long as they're good relationships. Some of you may not have heard all of that information in those episodes. So it's a really good opportunity for you to go back and listen to them in your own time, as and when. They're they're a really good listen, and they make a lot of sense and will explain a lot more of what we've just explained in this recap. So do have a listen.

Caz 2:35

It's a great understanding about what actually stress does, how it makes you feel, where it comes from, who's affected, and so on.

Listener Questions Begin

D 2:46

Which is nearly everybody. Yes. So this week we've decided this is as good a time as any to answer some of the questions we've been asked by our listeners over the past few weeks.

Caz 3:00

Yeah, this is a great one. Andrew says, Once you discovered stress was killing you, how did you think about solving this problem? That's from Andrew.

D 3:10

It's a really easy one to answer in many ways because it was my light bulb moment, as I mentioned in episode one, I believe. And I really wanted to scream out loud at the top of my voice that my problem, and most likely the vast majority of others' problems, was simply our complete lack of understanding of how our own minds and bodies communicated, and that stress was simply raising its voice trying to tell us things weren't right. I just knew if everyone who felt like me knew this mind and body connection thing, there would be so much less mental suffering. I honestly couldn't believe any, in fact, none of the medical professionals I saw even mentioned mind and body communication to me, apart from my lovely Dr. Toington, of course, my psychiatrist.

Caz 4:01

Okay, here's another question from Julie. It says, What did you try that really didn't help you?

D 4:09

Psychotherapy, specifically, for me, was the most frustrating thing. I was in a really bad way and was desperate for somebody to give me some answers as to why I felt like I did. And I literally felt worse every time I went because all I wanted was someone to explain to me why I felt why I felt like I did, and what was it that was inside me. I knew that if that wasn't there, I would begin to feel better, but the psychotherapist wouldn't even talk to me. He used to just stare at me across the room. I would leave there each time and be so much more challenged and full of stress hormones than before I went in, and they were already through the roof before I went in. So psychotherapy and me did not work at all. But I do really I appreciate now fully that that's not their job. That's the problem I think with things like psychotherapy. You need people, I think you need people to talk to you.

Caz 5:20

But from the first time I came to see you, D, within from the first session, I knew that you understood me, you guided me, you listened to me, and most of all, I trusted you because you explained to me your pain, and I felt your pain.

D 5:42

That's why I probably didn't get on with the psychotherapist. I didn't trust him. He he was so difficult to connect with.

Caz 5:50

Whereas I trusted you from the first, and we our first session was two hours, and within them two hours, I trusted you completely with what you told me, and which D's going to explain about, because I actually felt that wow, you know, this lady really has suffered, and I felt her pain, and I thought she's not a textbook, she's not a computer, she's a real human and understands the levels of pain that I was in. That whoever's listening, she understands your level of pain.

“In Your Eyes” And Acceptance

D 6:28

And I suppose that's where you know I lived this experience. It wasn't from a book. I didn't learn like that psychotherapist from a book, probably. I don't actually know his life story, but it just felt that he didn't have that ability to connect, and therefore I didn't trust him. So the in your eyes bit, uh it's not something I don't want to talk about, but it's actually a really deep and meaningful experience that I had, which in fact I actually talk about it very rarely as a result of what it was about. So my husband and I, my late husband, um, our song was Um In Your Eyes by George Benson, and uh it was our wedding song, etc. Like you have one of these songs, and when he died in the hospital, his machine was turned off, and I went to the chapel of rest, I think it's called, um, to say goodbye. I really wasn't here, I think I've explained. I was totally dissociated, really not feeling anything at all, and I didn't even respond to any of it. Nothing, not even when his machine was well, that's a fib actually. When his machine was turned off, I actually wailed for the first time in the whole event of what happened. And because our song was in your eyes, I decided I had to look at his eyes one last time. And uh I um I lifted his eyelids to say goodbye, forgetting that his eyes had been donated as organs for a recipient and there weren't any eyes there. And I took a breath and realised it was probably the first feeling I had, and it was of complete horror of what I'd just done and witnessed and seen. But it was that point I totally accepted that he had died, he wasn't there anymore. And I think to this day I probably have never really grieved in the way that people grieve because I accepted his death straight away, having seen that and experienced that. And I think I told you, I didn't tell everybody that story, but I think with in the future you'll get to learn about Caz's experience and and how deep and meaningful were her experience and CCTs were that it was something I really needed to share in terms of what you can experience and recover from and come back from and get your life back together. And so that was the experience of our story when we talk about in your eyes.

Caz 9:22

Well, thank you, Dee, for sharing that.

Helping Others And Building Trust

D 9:24

We've both got tears rolling down our faces. Sorry, wipe that one down. So, anyway, um, that psychiatrist was definitely not somebody who we feel I feel, and having talked to Caz about it as well, was somebody who had the empathy and compassion that we truly believe you do need when it comes to helping people with this kind of experience or managing this kind of impact on your brain and body when it comes to stress? No criticism to psychotherapists out there, it just wasn't for me. No, it just wasn't for me. It wasn't for me either, and and I think there's lots of people who it isn't for, and there's lots of people who perhaps it is for, but it certainly wasn't. So I hope that answered your question.

Caz 10:08

Yes, it did. And I've also got another question here from Tom. What was most evident when you started to reach out and to help others?

D 10:18

It was how so many people felt the same as me, and were going through the whole no one seems to truly understand what I'm going through, or could explain why I feel like I did. I had no control over it. Like me, they felt no one had any answers to why this was happening to them or what was going on inside their bodies.

Caz 10:41

But that's how exactly how I felt until I met you, and you explained your process.

D 10:48

Because as we know, it is the bottom line without understanding that perfectly natural response that builds in your body, you're never really going to be able to manage it. It's the lack of understanding that's the problem.

Caz 11:02

So actually, there's there's actually two questions here from Tom. It's cheeky, but we'll let you have two questions. What do people usually think or believe about you when they first meet you?

D 11:15

Most of people that come to me have been recommended by friends or associates, and they tell the person as you will understand, because you were recommended, weren't you, Caz? Yeah, that um this woman will really help you and understand you, but nobody believes that. No, nobody believes that. They honestly think she won't understand me. There's no way she can help me. I've been through therapy, I've taken antidepressants, I've been on retreats, I've done massage, I've had all the alternative therapies available. Nobody understands me, she's not going to understand me. I get to learn this after we work together. Of course. Because they truly believe that, you know, I think they truly believe that. Yet, they must have the hope that I can because they wouldn't come, they wouldn't make it through the doors.

Caz 12:04

Well, when my friend recommended me to you, I was thinking, okay, well, you've helped my friend with her problem, that problem, but my problem is actually something completely different. How can this lady help me? And my friend was like, Caz, honestly, go and see her. She can definitely, definitely help you because of the process and the format.

D 12:27

Did she explain anything to you? Absolutely not. She just said I always say to people, please don't pass any of this on because it a lot of people think, Oh, that's too simple. That's not gonna work.

Caz 12:39

To be honest with you, I think that I was so overwhelmed I wouldn't have been able to actually process anything other than the words, Caz, she can and she will help you get through this.

D 12:55

I've got to say that it was one of the best days of my life. You turning up. You have been a wonderful part of my life, I have to say, darling. 18 years later. Yeah, it doesn't seem it just seems like yesterday, really, doesn't it? Yeah, I don't know. So, yes, thank you for coming through my doors and believing in me. And I've said that to you so many times over the years, and I still feel that now.

Caz 13:18

Ditto? Well, you saved my life.

D 13:20

Mm-mm. No, I didn't. You did that yourself. With your help. I just guided and supported you.

The Three Core Principles

Caz 13:29

You did. So well, she's my hero, guys, but you are to me. Okay. So when do you actually when you're sitting there, you could talk about me, or do you actually notice that people, you know, or you often realize they're getting it, they're understanding it.

D 13:49

Yeah.

Caz 13:50

Was it the look on my face or it's body language?

D 13:53

Right. It is actually body language, because um there's a term called the pennies dropping, or you know, you can see the pennies dropping, and which is literally you can see the process in someone's brain working, and it's all s falling into place. And because physically, in terms of body language, there's no words to be spoken, it's as it's as loud as speaking. So um, yeah, I can see that process happening all the time, and it's when the signs that they're getting it is you know, you can feel the realization, as it were, that things are beginning to actually make real, perfect, common sense. Because that's what it is. It's absolutely true, you know, that you don't have to be anything but open and willing to listen because this is such a simple process, everyone can understand it. Especially me. I was gonna say you did, didn't you, guess? So that's really a good sign. If Caz can get it, anyone can get it. If I can get it, anyone can get it.

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Caz 15:28

Okay, I have another question for you, Dee, and this is from Lucy. And she has asked, what would you want someone listening to you to know right now, especially if they're feeling very overwhelmed by unnecessary stress?

D 15:44

Firstly, I'd like them to know all the answers they're looking for lie within themselves, as yours were within you, mine were within me. And the minute they start to understand how their mind and body communicates, they will know exactly what direction they need to go in. But that's what the process is about, to guide you in the right direction, anyway. So you haven't got to do a lot of work there. And I'd also like them to know how everyone can understand and benefit from the three basic core principles that I discovered and learned very early on, which were responsible for the vast majority of the unnecessary stress I experienced, and all those people out there are experiencing now. I realize, and they will too, that not knowing or understanding these basic principles is exactly what is destroying theirs and countless others' lives, and in some cases nowadays, sadly, more frequently than ever, not just destroying lives, but cruelly ending lives.

Caz 16:59

So, can you explain to our listeners, Dee, what are these three basic core principles?

D 17:06

They are the three most important things anyone really in this world should know and understand. Not just when it comes to unnecessary stress, but life in general. And most people know think they know all about them already, and that is the actual problem that they actually don't know what they need to know about them, and those three core basic principles are positive thinking, something called personal responsibility, which we hear a lot about a lot of the time, yet people don't really understand what it is, and the third one is relaxation, which again people think they know most of what it's about, or in fact, some people know think they know everything about what it's about because they think meditation, for example, is the relaxation that their brain and body needs, whereas with what we're doing and what I'm explaining, they need a bit more information.

Caz 18:13

Do you think um that our listeners actually realise how negatively um they're thinking in their brain? Because when I came to first see you, I couldn't believe how negative my thought process was. And one of Dee's um big things that she teaches is about how many times you say to yourself or say the word can't. And when in one of my sessions with Dee, I actually said the word I can't or can't 17 times in the space of three minutes. You've got such a good memory.

D 18:52

I had so many people doing that too. So you can imagine how many times I heard the word can't over the years. Yeah. So um, yeah, exactly. And I think we talked about this in one of the episodes about the mechanics of language and how over time we do not realize how unconsciously we repeat negative words, terms, and phrases that instigate the stress response continuously, consistently, over and over and over. And a vast majority, well I say the vast majority, out of the three core principles that I discovered were causing me the most stress, unnecessary stress, I I broke them down into, you know, they were each responsible for 33 and a third percent of the unnecessary stress in my body. However, some people think more negatively and relax more, some people think uh more positively but don't relax, and responsibility touches the edges for some people and so on. So it's a bit of a mix and match, is that the word?

Caz 19:54

In terms of I think the key point for me was I was so unaware of my negative thinking. How many times I said I can't, you know, that's what really resonated um with me.

Language, Can’t, And Feeding The Bear

D 20:09

Yeah, well that that's the word that I use as my go-to example of the mechanics of negative thinking specifically, as people who have listened to those episodes will understand, but it will never stop because I very rarely use that word, even today, because it is my core anchor word that I realise, oh, if I've ever let that slip out, it really has to be that I can't do that thing, otherwise I've just let that negative slip in. And things like I can't jump to the moon is an absolute fact and truth, and therefore using the word can't in that context is not negative, it's reality, you know. But anything else that you are reinforcing that's a problem or you don't want to be doing or you feel challenged or threatened by, then that word is reinforcing what we call feeding the bear. Yeah, and the feeding the bear scenario is literally uh you know a map uh so simple a concept once you understand it, and it's that 100% visual. If you can imagine every time you say a negative word and you become aware of it, it's literally like walking up to a cage with a bun in your hand and giving it to the bear in the cage to feed, and that negative word which represents that fear or obsession or worry or doubt or stress problem in your brain, you're just making it fatter and bigger, and you're feeding it, and that's what we call feeding the bear.

Caz 21:39

Feeding the bear, yeah.

D 21:40

So, what our process is about learning how to not do that, but visualise this bear feeding scenario, and it it just works. It definitely works, definitely works. So, positive thinking in the context we're talking about is not all this airy fairy language that makes everything all you know road. Roses and bowls of cherries and life's wonderful. It's nothing to do with any of that. It's to do with saying things using words, terms, and phrases that don't install the stress response, and that is it. There is nothing else to it. But there has a be there is a process and an understanding that needs to be put into place and a consistency and an application and a method that doing this on a consistent basis changes, we call it neuroplasticity in the brain, it changes patterns in your brain, and eventually you can overcome that. So that's positive thinking, and it tends to be what I teach people first, unless in some people's cases the other two I feel are more necessary to bring forward. It's a rare thing, but mine was relaxation. I learnt relaxation before anything else, before I even knew anything like this existed. So that's why, you know, that for me was first.

Caz 22:56

So Dee, how did the three basic core principles start to take shape? And were they intentional from the start or did they emerge over time?

D 23:08

They certainly weren't intentional from the start because I didn't even know what was going on. I didn't even under it was only on reflection with the relaxation, for example, I realised that that saved my life at the time. Because if I hadn't used relaxation and the breathing techniques that I use to slow down and calm my own stress system down, I wouldn't have made it through the majority of that first year. But I didn't know anything about stress really then, didn't even understand it. It makes me laugh now to think that I didn't even know what meditation was.

Caz 23:51

I don't think many people did.

How The Principles Emerged

D 23:53

Not back in the 90s, no, not in the early 90s. However, um, when you say were they intentional from the start, no, for that reason I just said, but they did emerge over time with each lesson that I learned about stress, the reality of it, where it came, what was happening, how it affected me, you know, how it affected the physical, emotional, and behavioural side of my life. I started to get that my thoughts about my health and how negative it was. I started to realise that this thinking thing is massive, you know. And then I did start to come across in people will laugh at this if they're my age. Uh, around that time, I think it was eight late 80s. Um, a magazine came out called Here's Health. I started to buy it and I started to see things about this single positive thinking. It was like, hmm, that's interesting. And it started to feel like these are exactly the things that my brain needs to know and learn. And then, of course, it didn't take long for me to start really when you take an interest in something, when somebody says, like, look out for red cars, or every time you see a red car, I'll give you a tenner, you start to see that red car more.

Caz 25:09

I was hypnotised with that. When you know, when you see something red, um a bus or a real post box, that was to give up smoking. And you did? No.

D 25:22

It didn't work. Um but anyway, that was how I started to recognise and and catch and start clocking anything that there was about positive thinking. And um, it was the personal responsibility bit that took the longest to really get to grips with because it has the most depth, and there's the most learning comes from that, the most application in terms of managing stress and you know, dealing with your mental health and all the issues that go along with your mental health suffering. This personal responsibility stuff is the big one, you know, it's the daddy.

Caz 25:58

So, what do you still see people struggle with today, despite all the mental health information that is out there?

Why Mind–Body Is Still Missed

D 26:06

Do you know what Kaz? This is an understatement when I say it still completely baffles me why people, anyone, is still struggling to understand the mind and body communication concept. That's because no one's ever explained it. Well, I'm sure people are explaining it out there. You know, doctors know this stuff, psychiatrists know this stuff, mental health professionals must know this stuff, mustn't they? But anybody who's ever come to me, that's the first thing I say to them, what do you understand about your mind and body connection? They haven't got a clue. They wouldn't know the first thing about it. And listening to all the things that I do listen to, I'm kind of like accepting that people don't understand it the way they need to in order to get some benefit out of what it is, how it works, what the process is, what you can do to intervene on this process, which is exactly what we're all about. So, you know, it's that issue about the mind and body connection. And I'm more passionate than ever to not only raise awareness of this what I call life-threatening fact, which it very much can be, um, and I will continue to educate as many people in this area as is humanly possible via this podcast, De-Stress Podcast, for as long as I'm on this earth. In fact, Kaz, this is the perfect time to say what I'm gonna say next because obviously we have to edit and listen to these podcasts. And when I was editing episode one, I can remember, well, I heard it enough times, that I got to the stage where I was about to explain after leaving Dr. Tollington's office that I was I did dedicate the rest of my life to, and then you stepped in with something very relevant, I have to say.

Caz 27:55

It's not like me to interrupt, guys.

A Life Vow To Share Knowledge

D 27:57

Uh huh. And uh I never actually got to let our listeners know what it was I dedicated the rest of my life to. D, the floor is yours. So my vow when I left Dr. T's office in 1991 was to dedicate the rest of my life to sharing whatever knowledge I gained with as many people who would benefit and grow from it, even save some lives in the process if I could, and that's exactly what I've done.

Caz 28:28

Save my life, and you've saved many more.

D 28:30

I appreciate you've said that, but you've got to get your head around. I didn't do that. You did it. I was just your guide, darling. Your guide.

Caz 28:42

I had the tools, but I didn't know how to use them tools until I met.

D 28:48

And everybody has the tools within them. And if they want to use them, it's not that difficult when you know how.

Caz 28:57

But who doesn't want to live a happier, healthy life? Everybody, everyone that's listening, everybody on this planet.

D 29:05

Well, you'd like to think that, wouldn't you? But there seriously are people who would not ever believe. And I would like to think we could make a dent in their lives. Um, but that's why we're here. To hopefully do what we're doing in the way we're doing it, to give people that experience or that understanding that we really do understand how it feels.

Common Sense As A Lifeline

Caz 29:27

When I um after my first session with you, I came home and um I was asked, you know, what was the session about? And the most that the words that came out of my mouth was, do you know what? She actually teaches common sense. Now to me, I don't know why, but common sense seems a bit of a taboo word, or maybe that's just the way it you know resonates in my brain. And I actually felt like I'd kind of lost my common sense with um being so overwhelmed with pain and anger, um, you know, sort of the common sense was no longer there with me. I was in too much suffering and everything, you know, nothing was clear anymore, especially the common sense.

D 30:17

So when you say you'd lost your ability to have common sense, are you saying that when you sat in my room, what I said to you at the rate and pace I said it, how I delivered it, it made common sense to start with, and you Absolutely you got that.

Caz 30:35

Yeah. 100%. 100%.

D 30:40

Well, let's hope our listeners can take something from that and keep listening, because we've definitely got lots more to say and lots more to share, and we love having you there. So thank you for listening to this week's episode. And thank you for your questions. Yes, thank you very much, you lovely listeners, and uh we'll be back again next week. See you soon. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Stress is everywhere, and it's winning if we stay quiet.

Caz 31:12

If you or someone you know could benefit from hearing our podcast, please follow and share.

D 31:18

Because everyone's breaking these days, and silence can kill.