Episode 8: Caregiving, Capacity, and Choosing What Works with Katina

Episode 8: Caregiving, Capacity, and Choosing What Works with Katina

Episode Description:

There’s no one “right” way to care for someone you love.

In this episode of Parental Advisory—In Reverse, I talk with Katina, who is caring for her mother at home—and getting paid through a Medicaid program to do it. For her, this is the right choice. It allows her to be present, to provide consistent care, and to keep her mom in a familiar environment.

And in this same moment… my sister and I have made a very different decision.

We recently moved our mom into an assisted living facility after navigating the realities of her diagnosis, safety needs, cost, and our own capacity to provide care.

This conversation isn’t about which option is better.

It’s about how different families make different decisions—with the resources, support, and circumstances they have.

Inside this episode, we talk about:

• What it looks like to be a paid caregiver for a parent
• How Medicaid programs can support family caregiving
• The emotional and practical realities of caring for someone at home
• The decision-making process behind choosing assisted living
• Why caregiving is about more than love—it’s about capacity

If you’ve ever questioned whether you’re making the “right” decision for someone you love… this episode is for you.

👉 Want to learn more about getting paid as a caregiver through Medicaid?
Start here:
https://www.usa.gov/disability-caregiver#:~:text=Become%20a%20paid%20caregiver%20through%20a%20state%20Medicaid%20program&text=Many%20states%20call%20this%20a,Medicaid%20office%20for%20more%20information.

Different families. Different choices. No judgment.

Take care of yourselves, everyone. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You're listening to Parental Advisory in Reverse, a new podcast from a Gen X daughter caring for both her aging parents, finding her way, and sharing unique and inspiring stories with new and old friends. Because you just can't make this stuff up. Hi, I'm Alison, your host of Parental Advisory in Reverse. And this episode is about decision making and what is good for you. My sister and I recently made the decision to move our mom into an assisted living facility. We recently moved her to Indianapolis from two hours away, which is a really easy decision, and she was okay with that. But this one didn't come quickly or easily, if I'm being honest. Our mom has lung cancer that has spread to her brain, so this isn't something that's going to get better. Treatment might slow some things down, but we're really making decisions now around safety, comfort, and quality of life. At home, we were running into some real limitations. She lived by herself, and the kind of care available through in-home caregiving companies just didn't really match what she actually needs. And when I started looking into assisted living facilities, because a friend of mine works in one with nurses and skilled staff, it opened up a different level of support. But what surprised me is that assisted living isn't really what I expected. It's not that clinical nursing home we all picture with the hospital smell and food that looks like it gave up before it even got to your plate. It's more like an apartment, a really nice one with support available when you need it, but also space and some independence and some dignity. And for my mom, that really mattered. She didn't want someone in her house all day following her around and going to the bathroom with her, talking to her constantly and being in her space, but she couldn't be by herself. So this gives her a different kind of balance. And honestly, when we visited, her biggest complaint, she wasn't totally sold on the neutral blue and tan color scheme on the walls and on the carpet. That was it. And I'll take that as a win. She's always been very particular about her decorating style. So over time, we can increase the level of care, add more support, and even bring in hospice when the time comes, all without having to move her again. There's also the reality we had to face around cost. Without the long-term care insurance, 24-hour in-home care just is not sustainable. What we found was that assisted living, the rent plus the nursing care is about a quarter of the cost of having someone in her home 24 hours a day. And then there's us. My sister and I love our mom, but we are not skilled caregivers and we don't have the physical setup for her to live with us. And that's just the truth. So we made the best decision we could with the information, resources, and capacity that we have. And here's why I'm sharing all of that. Because today's conversation is with someone who made a completely different decision. Katina is caring for her mom at home, and through insurance, she's actually able to be paid to do that care. And what you'll hear in this conversation is how grateful she is for that opportunity and how clear she is that her mom will never be in a facility. And both of these things can be true at the same time. Different families, different resources, different capacities, and different choices. This is parental advisory in reverse, where we're all just figuring it out as we go. Let's meet Katina. Thank you so much, Katina, for joining me.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

No problem. Thanks for having me, Alison.

SPEAKER_00 3:58

Yeah, when Hadea said she knew folks, I was like, yes, I will take the connection. So she mentioned to me that you actually live with your mom and you have the special um program where they pay you actually to help take care of her instead of paying somebody else?

SPEAKER_01 4:19

Yes, my mom lives with me. Yes, so she lives with me. Um and yes, and her insurance paid me to take care of her.

SPEAKER_00 4:25

That's great. How did you learn about that program?

SPEAKER_01 4:30

Um, we learned about it because my mom started getting uh real sick, like um she would have to go in and out of the hospital, and um and it I always had to take off work. Like, because I was an adjudicator for a state of Indiana for about 15 years. Um, and when, you know, when mom when mama gets sick, I would have to take off work, and then I had to do FMLA with my job. And uh somebody, somebody just mentioned to me, hey, have you ever thought about just um just taking care of your mom? And I'm like, Well, I'm doing that now. What do you mean? I didn't understand that I could get paid for it. And um I found out that I can get paid for doing it, and that's how I got into it. Somebody just mentioned it to me.

SPEAKER_00 5:12

Oh, that's great. I know one other person that's done that before, and it just seems like such a way to take the pressure and stress off of having to take time off work or losing pay, or you know, worst case, getting fired because you miss work.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

How long have you been taking care of her?

SPEAKER_01 5:30

Um, probably for about um, well, she she lived with me. Uh I would say I'll I'll again it's been probably about, let's see, my daughters are fifteen and seventeen. I'd say about twelve years. Oh wow.

SPEAKER_00 5:46

How long have you been um staying at home and getting paid to take care of her?

SPEAKER_01 5:51

About two years.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

What kind of things do you do for her?

SPEAKER_01 5:55

Um, mom does not drive, so she doesn't know how she does, she never learned how to drive. Oh wow. Run her errands, like if she needs something from the store, I'll do that, or she wants me to, well, I'll pick her medication up. Um, I also take her around. I can visit like her siblings or take her out shopping. Um, as far as in the home, she is uh she uses a wheelchair and a walker. Uh and she has um arthritis real bad and uh COPD and and chronic heart failure. Um so she can't do a lot, but she can do a lot. So I just help her. I just assist her um with like cooking, cleaning. Uh we try to uh do a little bit of walking, whatever she can handle. Um I help with her bathing, I help with uh her laundry, um, I help with uh just anything that she needs me to help her with with her mail. Like when she gets mail, I'll help her navigate those those uh items and and I also handle her money. Um so I pretty much do everything for her.

SPEAKER_00 6:59

Yeah, it sounds like you're doing everything. Is there um kind of like a funny moment that's happened in your whole caregiving role?

SPEAKER_01 7:11

Yeah, when she won when she wants to do stuff for herself and you know it is 'cause she'll cause she'll drop something on the floor and want to pick it up. I'm like, mom, what are you doing? And why are you bending over like that? You can fall. But you know, she's very, you know, she's very uh you know, she's very independent, so she wants the dirty thing herself. And I understand that part too, but yeah, she'll she'll she'll try to bend up and pick up stuff when she knows she's not supposed to.

SPEAKER_00 7:36

Is there anything that you know now that you wish you had known, you know, two years ago or twelve years ago before you started?

SPEAKER_01 7:45

Um That's a good question. Um I just I wish I could have started this sooner, you know, because um I love my mom and I'd do it even if I wasn't getting paid. Um, but um I I I guess we'll do this soon because I I never want to see my mother go to a nursing home as long as I'm alive. My mom is not gonna be in no nursing home. So um that's all I can think of. Um that's it.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

Yeah, I think that program sounds wonderful, and I bet that there are more people who don't know about it. I will put information in the comment section of the podcast for anybody who wants to learn more and see if their parent qualifies. Is there a time that you felt like really proud or really sad or really, really guilty? Are there any feelings that it stirs up for you taking care of her?

SPEAKER_01 8:37

Oh, yeah, definitely. Um, when she has to go to the hospital. Yeah. That's my that's the worst time for me because she's not wispy. So it's like, I I because I want to be with her and you know, and I have to leave and come back home and leave her at the hospital. And honestly, that is the hardest time for me is when she has to be admitted to the hospital because I because she's away from me. That's it, because I like to make sure she's okay. I'm that's just that's me, that's my mom.

SPEAKER_00 9:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

Um, so that is that's when I feel the guilty. It's it's it's um when when that happens.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

Since she's been living with you, is there anything you've learned about her that surprised you or you didn't know?

SPEAKER_01 9:18

Um, it's it's crazy because we're actually just alike. Like we like to be by ourselves. Um and I did not realize that she I didn't know, I didn't know that she liked sports. Like I'm a physical education major, so that brought the friend with uh college with a physical education degree, so I love sports, and I never knew that mom loves sports. She likes sports too. Like she'll be happy, like I'll have the game on that. She'll say, See, the turn the game on a here with me, you know. Like, I never knew that she actually liked watches sports. Did she she likes watching sports? That's that's just oops of mine. I didn't tell that. I never knew that about mom.

SPEAKER_00 9:51

Oh, that's funny. So you guys have more in common than you thought.

SPEAKER_01 9:54

Definitely, yep.

SPEAKER_00 9:56

Is there anything that you wish people understood about what you're going through? And I know you're enjoying it, but like, is there anything you wish people understood about everything it takes to take care of your parents?

SPEAKER_01 10:09

Yeah, you you're gonna give up a lot of uh, you know, personal time um because you know, it because they're getting you're uh they're getting older, so they're gonna require a lot of help. And it's a lot of sacrifice that you have to make, but it's the sacrifice that is the blessings are to make because I'd rather sacrifice this and you know than to not have my mom around. Like I don't care about that kind of stuff. I that's just kind of person I am, but um just know that you will sacrifice a lot of personal time and you know, maybe you won't be able to go out of town sometime, or you might not be able to go here and that uh because of that. But I I welcome nope, I welcome that stuff because I'd rather be with my mom anyway than go than going out of town and doing that kind of stuff in life.

SPEAKER_00 10:54

So that's really great that you guys have a close relationship.

SPEAKER_01 10:57

Yes, yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

Do you have any siblings?

SPEAKER_01 11:01

Uh brothers or sisters? Yeah, mom had um a little brother. We lost my little brother about two years ago. Um, so it's just me.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 11:09

Um, so yeah, so just me.

SPEAKER_00 11:11

Yeah, I've I've talked with a lot of people about how it, you know, how you end up being the one. And so, yeah, right now you're the only choice, right? And um, that's great that she has you.

SPEAKER_01 11:23

Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:24

Um, what kinds of things do you do to protect your sanity, right? Like to take care of yourself either when it gets really hard to take care of her, or like you said, when she's away from you at the hospital. What do you do to take care of yourself?

SPEAKER_01 11:38

Mm-hmm. Yep. So I uh go to church. Um, I I believe in God. I do a lot of playing. Um, I also enjoy like uh just uh riding my bicycle, playing basketball, playing football, playing video games. Um I do stuff like that just to just to maintain my sanity. Yeah. And then and then to talk to my I have a sister. I talk to her on rent basis. Um and um and yeah, that that's what I think.

SPEAKER_00 12:06

Are there other ways that you like to celebrate or have joy or you know, be grateful for the good times with your mom?

SPEAKER_01 12:15

Yeah, yeah, I like to look at pictures with her. She loves um looking in movies. Um and then just just pictures. I'll I'll find some pictures, you know, maybe of one of her one of her siblings or you know, her cousin or something like that. She enjoys looking at pictures. Um, so I like doing that with her. Um and just talking with her, praying with her, and you know, and just cooking together. We definitely love we love cooking together too. She was a cook before she uh became this sailor. She was uh cook.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

Oh I think that sounds like a fun tradition. Any other traditions you have together?

SPEAKER_01 12:49

Uh we we sometimes we play cards together. Um and we watch like the like Wheel of Fortune and stuff like that. Those those shows I like watching shows like that with her in in the stories y'all gonna rest. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 13:03

Yes, my parents watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy and the nightly news every day.

SPEAKER_01 13:09

Yes, ma'am, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 13:11

It's like a competition. It's kind of funny. My mother is, you know, forgetting things and she she has a she has a lung cancer that's spread to her brain, but like she can still answer those Jeopardy questions.

SPEAKER_01 13:23

Yeah, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_00 13:25

Yeah, like those that information is still in there somewhere.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

Oh, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

Has anything special happened that you were really grateful that you had the opportunity to do for her?

SPEAKER_01 13:36

Um just just uh just having a place for her to go, for her to stay, you know. Um it's just it's just a blessing because where she used to stay at, she just was not being treated, right? She was staying with one of her s and then uh one of her nieces, and they just mistreated my mother, and and that really hurt me. So um it it was it's just been a blessing just having her come over here and live with me. I just feel so much better.

SPEAKER_00 14:05

Yeah, that's great that you can keep her safe and that she has a great quality of life and you guys actually enjoy spending time together.

SPEAKER_01 14:14

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 14:15

Um, anything else you want to share that I haven't asked about?

SPEAKER_01 14:18

Make sure you um when you're put in in, you know, if you are in this position, just make sure you uh allow, allow your parents to be independent, you know, whatever they do for themselves, allow them to do it. I know I had a hard time doing that for a while because I would want to do everything for her. Yes. And and and mom had to tell me, you know, Tina, I I you know, I might move a little slow, but I can do it. Let me do it. Yeah. Um, and that part is challenging because it's like you don't want nothing to happen to your mother. You're like, well, my well, you know, I can do it, I could do it faster. But, you know, she's like, no, let you know, it's gonna take me a little time, but let me do it. And I think that that is so important that you let, you know, let them continue to be independent with everything. Whatever they could do, let them do it.

SPEAKER_00 15:01

Yeah, that's great. My mom can't drive anymore, and it's only been a couple months, and so she wants to ride everywhere with me. And I might just think I'm running around the corner, but she wants to go because she doesn't get to be out of the house as much. She doesn't get to ride around as much. It takes longer for her to get in the car.

unknown 15:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

And that's okay. I I'm with you. Like the things that we could just so easily do, we kind of have to respect their independence and their dignity.

SPEAKER_01 15:30

That's that's that's that's that's it, right? There, you, you, you get the you get.

SPEAKER_00 15:35

Is there anything you've had to tell her no, she can't do?

SPEAKER_01 15:40

Um, yeah, just eating a lot of junk. She likes to eat, yes, likes to eat a whole lot of junk. So, and it's some some things I'm like, mom, like we had to give a pop. That was very hard because mommy's drink pop all the time. And and I and I even said, Well, mom, I'm not drinking no pop anymore. And she she was like, Well, you're still gonna get me pop. So I'm like, No, I'm not, yes, you are, and and I see it. And and then I finally think, you know what, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna bring no more pop in the house. She's gonna get bad at me. And she did. You want, yeah, she was mad. But um, but she was like, you know what, Tina, I'm glad that you uh you you did, you know, that we haven't drunk pop because I am like because of not drinking pop.

SPEAKER_00 16:26

Oh, that's great. But you can add nutritionist to your list of things that you're doing now.

SPEAKER_01 16:30

Absolutely. Exactly, yes.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

I don't want to tell somebody that they can't do something that they've done for 75 years. I'll take care of your money, I'll take care of your laundry, I'll do whatever, but I really don't I don't want to have to tell them no. I think the the pop makes sense, right? But I don't want to have to tell them no. I don't like that part of the role reversal. Right.

SPEAKER_01 16:54

That's right. And do you have any siblings helping you with your parents?

SPEAKER_00 17:00

Um, I do. I have a younger sister, and we both live here in Indianapolis, and they live two hours away, but she has two teenagers, and we both um work from home, but she has some times that she has to go to the office. So it just made more sense that I did it. And when they would come to Indianapolis for their doctor's appointments, they would stay with her because she has the grandkids. And so I felt like maybe I should do this for a little bit. Now, when it gets more intense, I don't know. We'll have to have a different conversation. But thankfully, you know, we agree on everything. We get along really well and have agreed on a plan. Any other suggestions you would give to maybe someone like me who's just started taking care of their parents, we're not living together yet, or someone else who can see that coming down the road?

SPEAKER_01 17:51

Yeah, just just prepare yourself and just realize um, I always think back to how my mom took care of me when I was a child. Yeah. Like, you know, she sacrificed a lot. Um, and then and and and it's like when you when you look at it like that, you're like, you know what, I I can do this for my parents. Look at what my parents done for me. I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for my parents. And once I started looking at it like that, it made it a little easier.

SPEAKER_00 18:17

That is a really good perspective, like a choice that you can make about how you look at it.

SPEAKER_01 18:23

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 18:26

After talking with Katina, what really stayed with me is how clear she is. Clear about her choice, clear about her capacity, and clear about what matters most to her and her mom. And I think that's the part of caregiving we don't talk about enough. Not just love, but clarity. Because the truth is, there isn't one right way to do this. What Katina is doing, caring for her mom at home, being present every day, and making that sacrifice, that's beautiful, and it works for her. And at the same time, the decision my sister and I made to move our mom into assisted living, that works for us right now, too. And we're not the only ones. In a previous episode, I talked with Tracy, who also made the decision with her sisters to move her mom into a facility. Different families, different situations, but a similar kind of clarity about what was needed. Caregiving isn't a one-size-fits-all experience. It's shaped by your resources, your relationships, your capacity, and sometimes really hard realities you did not ask for. So if you're listening to this and weighing decisions for someone you love, you're allowed to choose what works for your situation. You're allowed to change your mind as things evolve, just like we thought moving her to Indianapolis into a house would be the best decision. But over time, moving her to assisted to living has evolved. And you're allowed to respect someone else's path without needing to follow it. That's what this space is for. Real stories, different perspectives, no judgment. This is Prental Advisory in Reverse, and we'll see you next time. You've been listening to Prental Advisory in Reverse. Real stories about Gen X adults taking care of the people who raised us. If you are in the thick of caregiving or just curious about what it looks like, you are in good company here. Follow the show wherever you listen, and ask along with someone who's needed to the community right now. Because caring for them starts with caring for yourself.