Throwback Thursday: Am I the Devil's Advocate?

This Throwback Thursday we are taking it back to where it all started...

This episode is a deep dive into uncertainty, specifically, my uncertainty about having children. While so many people seem sure about what they want, I’m still figuring it out. I share my spiraling thoughts, the “what ifs,” and how it feels to exist in that in-between space of maybe.

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Editing by Julie Bishop

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Free audio post production by Alphonic.com. Welcome to Casually Spiraling with me, Julie Bishop. I am always casually spiraling. I am just a girl in this world, a tall girl at that, trying to navigate life, dating, money, relationships, identity, culture, all of the things. I found that my ideas are not always felt by those I come across, and I'm here to break it all down, rambling all about them and finding what others may think, and hopefully finding others that agree with me, and maybe are also between different ideas so they can make me think I'm not so crazy after all. Hi! Welcome, welcome everyone. My name is Julie Bishop, and this is the first episode of Casually Spiraling the podcast. Thank you all so much for being here. I could not do it without anyone listening, so I hope you stay tuned and enjoy. I am a tall girl in this world with so many thoughts, so many ideas, and really I'm just here to use you as my potential part-time therapist. I hope that's okay. Thank you very much for your service. Um, hopefully, I can find some people that relate to what I am thinking or have some similar feelings. I am always trying to find that. Um, I'm always just rambling about so many different ideas on certain topics that my brain just goes off on. So that's pretty much what's gonna be going on here. So get comfy, cozy, lay back. Let's talk all about all the shit that rattles around in my head, and I'm sure hopefully some of yours heads too. Okay, to start it out today, I'm gonna be sussing kids and whether to have them or not to have them. Cause what a load of question that is. That I truly, I truly do not know. I don't know if I want to have kids or if I don't have kids. I am potentially 50-50, and I feel like everyone that I know, or everyone in my life, is either 100% yes or a hundred percent no, like clearly on either side, and I'm like, I don't know. I have so many thoughts around it, I have so many fears, but also obviously there's so many good things about it. How am I supposed to figure this out for my life? It's a big decision, a big thing, and I don't want to later on regret either like not having them if I decide that, and yeah, I just I've always felt like anyone I talk to is like yes or no, and I'm like, where are the other people who are like, I don't know? How am I supposed to figure this out right now? Please tell me, some of you females out there, friends, out there, sisters, anyone, please tell me, you guys, some of you are like, I don't know, because that's me. I'm I'm truly not sure. But my sisters, my female friends, cousins, all of them, it's either yes or no. So first to start out, just like thinking about being a woman and growing up as a woman, that in itself, I feel like you're just initially taught that this is your projection in life, this is what you do, this is what you are here for. You are here to get married, have babies, and be a mom to the babies, and that's it. That is, I feel like just what you're taught as a kid. So in my head, I'm like, how do I know if this is just what I'm taught and what I'm told I'm supposed to do, or is this something that I actually see for myself and actually want? Additionally, I grew up in the Catholic church. I my family, I grew up in middle school and like elementary school, junior high, going to a Catholic school, and I felt like too, it's just imprinted on you that this is your duties as a woman, and that's that's your life pretty much. You get married and you have babies, and that's what you're here for. And I am I'm so excited for marriage and love. I'm a big lover girl for sure. I I'm single right now, we're working on it, trust me. Um, but but I do love love, and I am so excited for marriage and getting married one day. Like that, that I know for sure I want. It's just this other aspect after that. As I've gotten older, you know, my experiences of the church have changed. You know, I grew up going to a Catholic school, you go every Sunday, you go holidays, you go in school, this and that, and then you go off to college, you know, and you decide things for yourself and experience what you experience. So, no, I don't consistently go now or practice, but I still struggle of like what was ingrained with me, ingrained of me as a kid and in school, and versus knowing if I actually want them or not, or is this just or is it just uh you are a woman, so yeah, this is what you do, you have kids, and I am the youngest as well. Um, I have two older sisters. I'm also very young in my family of cousins, one of the youngest. I didn't grow up around kids. I never babysat before. I didn't grow up being around kids because I always was the kid. I haven't even held babies. I don't hold babies, I haven't held a baby ever. So I'm just like not around them or I've spent much time around them. So I feel like that may also play into me not knowing because I don't know how I am around them really, and if I am around them, I'm kind of awkward and I don't know what to do with them. I just don't know if I'd have the patience to have my own kids, you know, because when I am around kids and it's very rare, I'm like, dang, how do people have the patience to be around them for long periods of time? Because anytime I'm around either kids or teens, teens, I'm like, dang it, they kind of suck. Not all of them, not all of them for sure, but just not being around them consistently, I feel awkward around them, and I just don't know. They do say it's definitely different with your own kid. Like if you don't like other kids, you like your kid at least. I feel like maybe that would be me if I had a kid, you know. Of course, of course, if I had kids, let me get the record clear, I would love them for sure, and like them. But I think yeah, I may be one of those parents when it's like, well, I like my kid. I love my kid, but I may be holding a baby soon. My cousin just had a baby, the first like grandbaby of the family, and the rest of the girl cousins have a trip planned coming up to go see her and see the baby, so stay tuned. I may be holding a baby soon for the first time. We'll see how it goes, and we'll see if I have any updates on that and being around them. Okay, the second like area or thought process that my brain goes through on when deciding how do I know if I want to have kids or not, is a lot of the fears that I have that revolve around my personal life or my own just life and someone's life that would change if they had if they had a baby or babies. And the first off is right now, well, I'm okay, I'm 27. I should have said this. I'm 27, and I'm just in this phase of being very selfish for myself and my life, and I know that's what you should be in your 20s. You should be selfish, you should be making decisions for yourself, making decisions so that you are experiencing life in many different ways and have that freedom right now, and that's what your 20s are for, right? And that's just how I'm feeling. But a lot of people can feel that right now, but know, like, oh, later on, they don't want to be that selfish. But right now I'm just feeling very selfish. There's a lot of things I feel selfish about, and and one of those things is my career. I'm already in a career that's tough enough to break into. I am pursuing acting and modeling, blah blah blah, yada yada yada, boring. But it's already hard enough to be successful and make money on those careers, and it's hard enough as a woman, it's hard enough in general, and I feel like it's even harder if you're having a baby, as it should not be, it should not be this way, but we all know like the same benefits aren't given to women, and a man can just have a kid and then go back to work like normal the next day, and that's just not the same for a woman, especially in an industry when it's revolves around your appearance a lot. It's just not the same, it's not the same. But I know there's instances where it can be good, and it is good, and women do it all the time, and I know I could be one of those badass women that do do it, but right now I'm just so selfish in me pursuing my career and putting everything into that. I can't imagine adding a kid on top of that. Hopefully, like by the time that I get to the point where I if I want to have a kid or not, I will be further in my career, maybe more established where I have my feet in the ground there, so I know that I can take time off to have a baby and I know that I could bounce back. But right now, just no. I'm just so so selfish. But me pursuing my career and putting everything into that, and if that requires travel or if it requires long periods of time where I need to be away or working 12 plus hours a day, like right now that's what I want to be putting into. And you know, there is this pressure, not pressure, but kind of pressure, of a time clock on us. I am 27, so I'm still young, but time just keeps going faster and faster. And there is this pressure and isn't of women when they're able to produce and not, and I feel like there shouldn't be this pressure on women, but at the same time, you have to be realistic about your body and consider your options. And I would like to be married, and if I do have kids, I want a couple years after getting married to just enjoy the time with my husband without kids if I were to have kids. So I would want a few years of just being married and not having that, so that adds more time. And like I said, I am I'm single, so I haven't even met my person yet. So I haven't even started dating them and taking that time and getting to that place. So yeah, I don't know. It's a weird thing of this thing you have to think about getting older as a woman, but you don't want to put that pressure on yourself, but also you have to think about the reality of how a woman's body changes. So it's it's a lot, it's a lot to think about. The next aspect of my life that I'm kind of selfish about, and what I don't want to lose would be, speaking of getting married, would be my relationship with my future husband. And losing that once you have a kid. We all know things change in your personal relationship once you have a kid. You have less time for yourself, you have less time to be still dating each other. You're wrapped up in just trying to keep this baby alive, first of all, and things inevitably will change. You won't have all that selfish time together, and s you know, sometimes your days are just revolved around this kid, and you have less time to connect and date each other, and like I said, I love love and I am excited for marriage, so I would be selfish with my time with my my future hubby, but I know of course you have a kid, you're it's gonna bond you in ways as well. You have to be a team against keeping this child alive, so it bonds you, of course, but then like you know, you don't have as much time to take for yourself and that relationship. You have to be more intentional about it and setting aside a time and it gets hard. Babies keep you up all night, they keep you tired, they keep you moving all the time. So yeah, I do I do think about that. That might be a weird thing to think about, but but I like the idea. I am a hopeless romantic. Ugh, it's so annoying. But I do like the idea of yet that still like once you get married, you're still dating each other. You know, I never want to lose that lose that aspect of being in a relationship. And additionally to this, something else that changes once you have a kid is your sex life. Okay? Let's just say it. I like sex, I love sex. Who doesn't? Well, some people I guess, but most people do. No shame, no shame. It's an amazing part of a relationship and part of life, but things change when you have a kid, your body parts get a little more loosey-goosey, they're not as tight and together. Additionally, the time that you have to have sex and plan for that. You now have a kid, you don't have much time for that for yourself, and I would be worried, not worried, but it would be a thought that I would want to intentionally remember post-having kids is keeping up a sex life. I do have dreams of being, you know, that older couple, they still are so in love, they still see each other so hot and sexy. I want to be so hot and sexy to my partner for forever, and still like hopefully getting it on later in life, and as consistently, consistently as we can. I know there's probably like so many laughing at me right now, but but right now in my life, obviously that's something that that I would think about how things change in that regard once you have a kid, because they for sure do and they will. And that is a part of a relationship, is part of a bond, that intimacy. So I definitely have seen it in couples where they're so busy, they're so busy with work and having a kid that they they don't have time for sex anymore, and then that really builds a wall and divide in between them and hurts the relationship in itself. So that would just be something that is something that I I think about. Additionally, to losing, you know, those aspects of a relationship with your partner and my future partner. I think about when you have a kid losing your friendships. Right now, it's it's hard enough to as an adult to keep making time for your friendship as is. Everyone gets older, everyone moves away to different cities, everyone gets new jobs, and it's harder the older you get to keep, you know, prioritizing time. Not harder to prioritize time, but to find time, you know, life happens. And it's important to me to maintain my friendships, and that can change when you have a kid. When each of your friendships are at different phases, some have kids, some don't. It can be it can be difficult to maintain them and maintain the strength of them once kids are involved, especially when your friendships are long distance. I have a lot of long distance friendships right now, most of them are across the country. It's hard enough for me to already find the time to fly out and see them, but we make it work, but add a kid on top of that, that makes it ten times more difficult. And friends are important, especially girlfriends, so yeah, it would just definitely be a change that I would think about, and especially how your friendships change. But I mean, I'm not worried about my friendships at all. If you have the good, strong girls in your life, you go through all these different phases, right? And then of course there's the positive, like your kids can, you know, be friends as well and spend time together and create even more of a family, but it is something that I think about because I love having the time to just go off on a weekend with my friends somewhere, plan a trip, be crazy, do whatever we want, and have that time to see them and see them without bringing a child along. I think all this kind of wraps up into your freedom, the freedom that I have now being 27, single and no kids, living in a new city. That brings me a lot of freedom, so I'm just I'm afraid to lose all those freedoms and those luxuries. But again, again, I am only 27 and this is not even an issue right now, but it's just I think about all these things all the time, all these aspects of my life that I don't want to lose, and that I would they would be losed lost, sorry, they would be lost or modified if kids were involved. So these are things when I'm asked if I want to have a kid or not. These are all the things that come to mind and how my life would change if my answer is yes to that, and how my life would be if my answer is no to that. Okay, not only do I think about all of those life aspects, I also think about the body and the mental when it comes to my thoughts around whether I want to have kids or not and around my fears. Some of those, you know, obtain to what happens to your body and what happens to you mentally. Now, first off, again, this goes back again um to previous thoughts, but your body changes, like I said before, sex changes, your body changes, your parts change, your boobs change, so your pea stream changed, your everything changes after you push a child out of you, or you have a C-section, or whatever way you have a child, your body changes. And right now, again, it's probably because I'm young and um I'm just selfish, but I would be I would definitely like take into consideration how it changes your body. It's a big deal, it affects your body for the rest of rest of your life. And I'm just so selfish with my body right now. I've said selfish so many times, it's gonna make me sound so bad, but that's just how I guess I am explaining how I'm feeling right now. And yeah, your your body's gonna go through changes, so it's definitely something that I take into consideration. And additionally, your mental health for sure gets affected. We all know about post well, we don't all know about postpartum depression. It actually needs to be talked about more. It's starting to get talked about more, but I think it needs to be discussed even more. That's scary to me. Thinking about depression after having a kid and it can last years, that is scary to me. And I also recently, which I didn't even know much about, but I'm recently new to learning about prenatal depression. I heard about it on um the sex no, not the sex. I always say the sex. It's the secret lives of Mormon Wives. That show in their season two reunion, uh, I think it was Jen. Jen talked about prenatal depression. I was like, wow, I'm always concerned and thinking about postpartum depression, but I never even thought about there being a prenatal depression. And that that's one of the biggest fears to me. I had previously gone through a time where I was very sad and depressed, and that lasted a few years, and that obviously sucked. It really sucked. And ever since I got out of that and you know, found my happiness, I live my life never taking my happiness for granted, because I know what it was like to not have that for so long. And it scares me to think about being in that place again. If it does, you know, it affects everyone differently, so it may even not, but it is so common. And it may not last so long, it may last longer, but it is something to think about. I of course no one wants to choose being depressed, but it it comes along with it a lot of the times, either pre or post or both, and that is something that I think about and is a fear of mine, because yeah, I just remember how hard it was during that time, and thinking about being in that state of mind again freaks me out. But again, I got through it once, you can get through it again, plus you would have lots of support around you. Hopefully, not everyone does. I would hope that I would. I know at least people in my life now who would, but yeah, you just you don't know and how that may affect your your mental health is a big consideration to me. Okay, my final thoughts around all this that goes rambling around in my head. is more present day thoughts that affect me currently instead of this whole time. I know I've been like, this literally isn't a now issue, but for some reason I think about it now all the time. I think because as a woman we get asked all the time, do you want to have kids or not? And like, girl, I I'm literally like girl, I don't know. I wish I knew. Anyway, I keep I I'm like literally saying that to myself if I have not said that already. It's just such I wish I knew which way. But anyway. But a present day factor that I take into consideration on me not knowing if it's yes or no is this affects dating sometimes. I sometimes would say is this my red flag? The fact that I don't know. I don't think it's a red flag if you don't want kids. I don't think it's a red flag if you do want kids. Either way, those for sure are not red flags. I just say that it potentially may be my red flag because I don't know. And when you are dating if you are in a spot dating intentionally you know some people date not intentionally and go through those periods and that's great. But once you get to a certain point like me where when I date it's pretty intentional and a big factor when people are intentionally dating is if they align on the fact if they want to have kids or not. You know people who don't want to have kids tend to find someone else who also doesn't want to have a kid and people who do find someone else who does. But what about for me when I don't know? You know it's this this gray area that may scare some people away. And I wouldn't I wouldn't blame them because it's a good thing to be intentionally dating and knowing what you want. So if someone does want to have a kid that may be scary to get in a relationship with someone who isn't sure because then later down the line you could still be disagreeing and then it would probably end the relationship. So I understand how it could be scary for someone to date me who is so one way or the other and I'm just here like I don't know yet like how are they supposed to take that on and continue? Is it bad this may be bad it kinda is I don't know you let me know your thoughts is it bad that I kinda hope that maybe I'll meet someone and then that will that will give me clarity on if I'm a yes or no like if I meet my person it may clear things up for me like seeing either someone else who is so confident in no I don't want to have kids that's okay or seeing someone who does want to have kids and I'm like damn I want to have your babies because you know I love them and I want to have a family with them and make make babies with them. Is it bad that I hope well obviously I hope that I figure this out for myself but if I don't that if I meet my person that'll help me give me clarity on if I'm yes or no or is it bad if I just go into a relationship and I'm like I could go either way because a lot of times I truly think I could go either way. I could be very happy with having you know maybe two kids. I wouldn't want one because I would want them to have a sibling but I wouldn't want too many. So is it bad if I go into it being like I could go either way I could be very happy having kids and I could be very happy with my life if I never have a kid or do I need to know? These are the things I think about do you see how my brain just goes on and on with what is right and what is wrong here? But I don't I think there's a lot of this there isn't necessarily a right and a wrong you know what I mean there just is what it is and both sides are are so okay and fine. Because for me I I do think about all these things that I've been rambling on about and all these fears that I have but I also think about down the line like say say when you're retired you're in your retirement era and you go home and you have your kids to go home to and they've created a life and family for themselves so I do think about the positives as well I feel like a lot of this might have been my fears and the negatives but I do think about the positives like making little kids and them being so cool and being your best friend and teaching them to be respectful amazing humans and see what traits they get for you and seeing them grow with your partner and seeing them create a life for themselves obviously that would be so cool and then down the line in the future when they're you know we're empty nesters they go off with their own lives around that age is that when I would be like oh I would regret not having kids because I don't have any like family like that to go back to I mean hopefully you would have your family with your partner but who knows who knows what would happen. I see my parents right now and they are empty nesters and they got retired a year ago or two years ago I forget and they're just living their best lives and it makes me so happy they're doing so much traveling they're doing so many activities within their day this morning they went on a hike I talked to them on the phone today they're going on bike rides they're going to the beach all the time they're working on house projects and they're traveling all the time they just did a full week going to different areas in Arizona one time last year they called me and they were like oh yeah we're in Vegas I had no idea they're just doing all these trips they went to Canada living their best lives together in this new era of freedom and it seems really exciting and it seems really happy but then at the same time they have us kids to call and tell all their stories and share their trips with they have us coming home and visiting them and they love they love that time. They have our group chat my mom takes a million photos any trip she goes on but she loves sending those photos and sharing them with us so they they have their kids to share these experiences with. So I do I do think about long term and down the line and what that looks like I just need to take a big sigh and deep breath because yeah I hope you can see now how my brain works and how it just goes off on all these different tangents and how I'm truly swinging between either way yes or no and that's okay it's okay that I don't know and I know that I know that for sure maybe I'm just a hypocrite to myself you know because if I had a friend who was confiding with me that they weren't sure I'd be like oh my gosh and that's okay you're so young and have so much life ahead of you you don't need to know yet but yet thinking about it to myself I'm like I wish I knew I wish I had an answer like why don't I know why isn't it so clear to me as it is for other people why do I think about all these fears and thoughts when I could just think about the positives I don't know. But it's important to take in those fears and thoughts as well I don't think there's something to be ignored. So yeah I would I would for sure tell someone else that it's okay to not know but then for me I'm like uh why don't I know? And are there other people out there who are I don't know because I truly I truly feel like anyone I've talked about this with it's like yes or no for sure. And they're like oh I love kids or like no like I don't I don't want kids. So yeah my brain just goes off in so many different directions and I don't know it's it's hard sometimes convincing myself that it's normal to not know just because I haven't I haven't really spoken with other people who are in the I don't know phase and I see such the pros and cons of both sides. So anyone please if you're out there in the I don't know just let me know let me know I'm not alone and also if you see me one day out there popping out some kids don't judge me. Don't judge me for not knowing one moment and then I do have them it's gonna be okay I don't need the judgment or the slander thank you very much anyway thank you guys so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed I hope you could relate to some of the things I said I hope you could understand my ramblings because that's truly how my brain goes so I hope I find other people out there who think this way who you know have these confusions these these back and forth these debates with themselves and let you know you're not alone and hopefully I'm not alone but I do have so many ideas with this podcast there's so much I want to do I would love to do interviews I would love to hear your stories hear what you guys like debate on what topics you guys debate about in your heads and then maybe I could see like if I'm a person that is strictly one way or the other and I'm like wait I see both sides I would love to hear from you guys or maybe give advice not that it's you know I don't know what kind of advice it would be but I could do my best I would love that um but yeah interviews pop culture I'd love to talk about some shows and stuff like that that I watch so yeah let me know what you guys like what you don't like what you want to hear and thanks to all you guys listening and I will see you next week that's it for episode one thank you bye free audio post production biolphonic.com