Throwback Thursday: The Big D

this week I am off being my sister's maid of honor on her big day! yay! that means we have a throwback thursday!

today we’re diving into the big D—dating, obviously. I’m talking about what dating looks like in 2025, my own experiences with apps, the chaos, the friendzone, the fatigue, and the constant struggle between being open, having fun, and not wasting your precious time.

From dating fatigue to standards, from personality over looks to friendzoning by accident—this episode is all about finding that sweet spot between enjoying the ride and knowing what you deserve.

Let’s get into it.

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Editing by Julie Bishop

Cover Artwork by Angelina Richeson

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Free audio post production by Alphonic.com. Welcome to Casually Spiraling with me, Julie Bishop, just a tall girl in this world, trying to make sense of life, dating, relationships, you know, all of the things. I learned that my thoughts don't always land with the people around me, so I'm here to break it all down, talk it out, probably overshare, and maybe find some people who don't think I'm totally crazy after all. Hello, hello, hello, hi, welcome back. Episode four. Honestly, I don't even know how to start these episodes anymore because after releasing the first episode and just certain promo clips I was posting, I kept hearing them over and over again. It was just me going, hi, and I I cringe hearing my voice. I don't know if you're listening through all the episodes. I don't know how you do it. I don't even know how to start this anymore because I can't stand hearing that over and over again. Me going, hi. So here we are, episode four. Did you guys think I would make it to episode four? Be honest. Be honest. I did, but I don't know about you. But I'm so excited. This has been so fun. So let's keep going with this, shall we? I have some updates to share first. First, if you're watching the video clips, you can see I'm in this new sweatshirt. It just arrived at my door. I opened up the package, completely shocked. Someone sent it to me. I texted so many people, and no one has claimed sent this to me. So many people that uh know my address. I'm like, who else knows my address? So please, if you sent this to me, please stand up and reveal yourself. I would like to thank you. I love it. I'm literally obsessed. It's so cute. And I wanted to cry opening it. I'm like, whoever sent this, I don't know, but I'm getting so much support and love and getting all the cheers from everyone. So tell me who you are, please. Please, please, please. But it's literally been insane. The amount of messages and texts I've received, phone calls and DMs and emails. Did you guys know we have an email as well? Casually spiraling podcast at gmail.com. If you want to send in your anonymous stories, stories, questions, hot takes, whatever it is, please do. I've already received a bunch of DMs and messages and stuff, and I love to keep petting more. So either DM me, email me, whichever, and send in anything you want to hear. Send in a story, send in a hot take, question, whatever that might be. Okay, please and thank you. I appreciate it. Also, today I am dog sending. So if you hear any dog noises, whatever that may be, that's what that is. So we're just gonna roll with it. And hopefully Oliver here isn't too loud, but he's doing good. So we shall see. Also, another update since episode one. I have I have held a baby. I know episode one. I've never had a held a baby before. I don't hold babies. That was me. That was me. And then last weekend, me and my cousins went to visit my other cousin who just had a baby. And guess what I did? I held the baby. I did, and I was a natural, if I say so myself. Now the little baby does cry a lot, but she's a baby, and it wasn't because of me. But no, I'll insert the photos, check out the social medias, see the photos, the proof. I did it, and she is so cute, and I wanted to keep holding her and I loved her. And maybe it's just because she's in the baby stage, you know. She can't talk or be a toddler yet. So I really like I like the baby stage, I think. They're just so cute to hold, you know? But I did it. We gotta update some progress from episode one. Also, after last week's episode, did anyone happen to, I don't know, maybe break up with their partner and move or decide to move? Anyone? Cause that would kind of make me really happy in a crazy way. But was anyone inspired? Did anyone make any rash decisions? Cause I love you for that. Also, last week was Thanksgiving. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. I did release an episode still on Thanksgiving, even though it was a holiday. You're welcome. Hopefully, if you were driving between families' houses and needed somebody to listen to, you could. Or if you're someone who spends Thanksgiving alone like I do, if you can't go home or you don't have family to go home to, it could provide some entertainment or something. I hope so. And I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Also, when I was with my cousins when the other weekend when I saw them, we just all these like stories that either have happened to me or I told them or have happened to us or I grew up with just kept coming up and coming up. And I have so many fun stories that I'm wondering if I should just do a whole episode of stories or if I start each episode with a story and then we get into whatever the topic is. I think that could be fun. I have a lot of funny stories and crazy things that would be fun to share. So also let me know what what version of that do you think you would like? All one episode, just a bunch of stories, or sprinkle them throughout multiple episodes. So today we're gonna be talking about the big D. Dating, of course. What did you think I meant by that? You little pervs. Just kidding, we can talk about that another day. There's plenty of to say there too. But today we're talking about dating. And dating, obviously, there's so many topics in that one topic to discuss, but I just general dating culture, dating in 2025 today with the apps and the culture and how much it's changed over the years, and also the like the balance between being picky and knowing what you want and not wasting your time versus having fun with it and knowing it should be fun and you should just be enjoying your time being single. So let's get into it. Honestly, where do we even begin? I just re-downloaded Hinge, you know, we all go through that on it, get a few matches, excited, and then just downhill, downhill, downhill, fatigue, fatigue, fatigue, pause, delete it a few weeks or a month later, redownload, start again, and cycle and cycle and cycle over and over and over again. The delete, the redownload, delete, re-download. I'm on a redownload. And quite disappointing. Yet again, surprise, surprise, surprise. So I'm pretty pretty much always saying I'm open and I'm open to dating. I just haven't met guys that I want to date. I want to be dating, but I don't know how so many of you find guys to go on dates all the time with. How do you find ones you actually want to go on dates with? Because that's where I struggle. I see some girls on TikTok do these challenges like let me go on a date every week for so many months or every day for so many days. How do you find that many guys that you actually want to go on dates with? Because mine is very limited. I did go on one kind of recently, and it did remind me that these aren't all so bad and it's fun, and even if they're not your person, it's still not a bad time sometimes. He did like plan our whole future before we even sat down and I just met him. So, you know, that's that's not my cup of tea, that's not my person for me. But the night itself wasn't so bad. It was nice to get out, it was nice to have a conversation, and it did remind me that even if they don't end up being your person, they're still not so bad after all. But at the same time, I don't have a lot of time. I am very selective with my time and who I spend my time with because you know, a girl's got her normal hosting job, a girl's got this podcast, girls got dog sitting, or girls got acting, girls got modeling. I'm I always book myself up fully. So, and I got so much things that I want to be doing for myself, so and but I also want to be dating, so maybe I should prioritize that in a sense, but I also don't want to waste my time and energy and effort. So then I tend to be pretty selective. Can we now just before we even really get into it though? Because me being newly back on hinge, I'm just seeing certain things over and over again, and I'm like, what are you guys doing? Like, what goes through your mind when making your profiles like this? Like, what are you doing, please? There's so many recurrences. For one, so many guys have so many photos where you can't even see yourself. You can't see what you look like. You're either looking away in every photo, looking at the ground in every photo. It's a photo of not you. This is a dating app. How am I supposed to know if I want to date you if you're not even in the photos or if I can't even see you? Like, come on, so many profiles are like that. I'm like, I have no idea who you are based off of this. And then, too, going off of that, can you show some personality, please? How like I'm trying to take anything I can get from your profile to make me want to go on a date with you, and you're not helping whatsoever. There's no personality. Can you smile at least once? How am I supposed to know if you're not a serial killer? So many guys have profiles where every single photo, you're not smiling. You're no smile whatsoever. Please show me your personality, anything. I'm trying to get anything about you off of this. And when it's all photos of either I can't see you, you're looking away, there's just no personality whatsoever. How am I supposed to know anything about you except for what you look like? And let me tell you, looks are great and all, but they only get you so far. In the end of it all, they only get you so far. I think me, and I would say a lot of people will probably agree, personality makes it. You can be, you can be subjectively, or what is it? Subjectively, objectively, whichever one, uh standardly attractive. But if you are an asshole and your personality sucks, then you suck and you aren't attractive whatsoever. Like please, like, just so show some personality. God, it's so frustrating. And I know guys say that they don't take pictures like girls do, so they don't have as many photos. I don't care. Figure it out. Spend a day, make sure when you're out with your friends to like get a photo. Ask someone to take a photo of you, or if you have a friend's girlfriend, help a girl help you, or a sister, or someone. Like, I don't care. Just just figure it out, please. And don't even get me started on hat fishers. All my friends know this is a big thing for me. If you are wearing a hat in every single one of your photos, what are you hiding? What's under the hat, Larry? You can't have every single photo you wearing a hat. I'm intentional about making sure that every single photo my hair isn't pulled back. I'm like, oh, I have so many slick backs. Let me make sure I throw a few in with my hair down. Same thing goes for you. You can't be a hat fisher and have every single photo wearing a hat. And then mirror selfies. Listen, some things are just for the girls, okay? And that's okay. Some things are just for the girls, and mirror selfies is one of them, especially the gym ones, okay? Like maybe you can get away with a one single normal one, but usually it's never done right. I don't even know if there is a way to do it right. Just accept the fact that some things are just for the girlies and let us have that. Like, get that off your profiles. And oh my god, if you are above the age of 30 and you still have on there that you are still figuring out your type or figuring out dating, what do you have to still figure out? You 35-year-old man still figuring shit out. I'm sorry. What have you been doing with your whole 35 years of existence? What haven't you figured out yet? I matched with a guy one time who it had that on his profile and I just asked him straight up, what do you still have to figure out? I don't think he liked that very much, but like honestly, honest question, what do you still have to figure out? What are you still figuring out? How old are we? Can you please stop making it so hard on us? Thank you. And then if I see one other guy do the prompt that it says how I pronounce my name, and they just say their name John, and they think they're so funny, please. Please, the amount of people I say that on, please, you're not funny. You're not fun, John, Luke, Harry, Kevin, you're not funny. Leave it alone. Get s more personality again, please. And then photos also for not being able to see you. I see so many photos of guys in like full ski suits or some kind of costume like that. Like maybe you're trying to show your hobby, but again, if all your other photos I can't see your face, and then your photos you're wearing a ski mask and or a snowsuit and a mask over your face. I have no idea who's inside there. So maybe if you want to show that as your hobby, put one of those, but then the rest of your photos, I better be seeing you. Also, the rest of your photos, if they're all group photos, you better make sure I know which one you are. Like all group photos, who are you? Cause usually 99% of the time, we wish the profile was for your friend. I'm just gonna say it. That happens all the time. We're like, oh, is it this guy? And then no, that was the friend. Come on. That happens to a lot of people. I know it's just not me. I know it's just not me, and you want to be like, hey, is your friend single? Yikes, but it happens. And if you're not showing me your personality or what you look like or any part of you, then how am I gonna want to root for you? Another thing I so commonly see is guys posting photos 10 years apart from very different ages. And I'm like, I'm sorry, which one are you now? Who who is this person? Which which one are you now? I don't need to see what she looked like 10 years ago. I need to know I need updated current photos. Like the okay, maybe a year or two variants, but guys will have photos from very spread out different ages, and it's like, whoa, which which one's current and which one's not? Cause what? What who are you now? Please. We're trying so hard. You see how frustrating this is? We're trying so hard, and you don't give us anything to go off of so many times. And then the memes. You're wasting one of your blocks for a meme? Again, you only have such little time to show us who you are, and you're using it for a meme or some animation, cartoon, something. Please stop. Please stop. Just stop. And that's my hinge rant right now. That's what I'm seeing. That's what I go on and see. So when my friends are like, Julie, why do you only have two matches? Well, it's not me. No, it could be me. It could be me. But but also like I'm trying so hard for with what I'm given, and they're not given much. It's all these repetitive things over and over again. But you may then ask, Julie, so why do you even have hinge? Well, let me tell you. Every single person that I know that's either married, like have just gotten married, engaged, or in a long-term relationship, they've met on a dating app. My friends who just got married, my cousin or my sister who's engaged, like everyone I know who's in a relationship has met off the hinge. And also recently when I don't know if it was my sister or someone else that I know, I forget, but they were wedding dress shopping and they asked the like consultant, what is the number one way that the women who come in here say that they've met their husband? And the number one answer is hinge. So it has to work. It has to because everyone that I know, that's how they met. So maybe it's just sticking it out, but that is what keeps me coming back pretty much. Also, what keeps me coming back is look, I'm trying to meet my person out in the public. I'm as I had talked about in the making friends, like I'm going out and doing activities. I'm going out and I swear I'm just where I I can't find the guys my age. I swear every time I go out, it's like a bunch of 22-year-olds, and like I'm not here to be anyone's mother. So I just can't find them. I feel like they're at home. So I am trying to meet people in per obviously meeting someone in person would be ideal because there's been a lot of times where I met someone in person who I probably would not have swiped right on or matched with just based off of their not that, you know, just based off of, you know, they may not be my normal type, right? But since I met them in person and knew could like get a sense for their personality and vibe and like our banter back and forth or whatever it is, then on uh automatically I'm like, oh, I'm so attracted to them. And then that's just so much more fun. And I guess that goes on to me being a personality person, as I mean, who isn't, unless you are just looking for um something not serious. But if you are in the sense trying to date, seriously, I'm sure for most people, personality is huge for that. So the main struggle or something that I go back and forth on whenever I'm newly on the apps or actively dating would be finding the balance between having fun, like you're single, go on a bunch of dates with a bunch of different guys, staying open. You never know what, like like I was saying, what the personality could be like. So finding that staying open, and you know, going on dates with a variety of guys to get a sense of more of what you're looking for, versus being selective, not wanting to waste my time or get dating fatigue because I do know what I want. I do know certain qualities and things that I am looking for that I know long term I'm not looking to settle on. So the balance of being open and having fun versus I know what I want. So I'm gonna be selective about that and not waste my time because dating fatigue is such a big thing. That's why we go through that cycle of deleting hinge and redownloading it, deleting it, because we get that fatigue of going on so many just first dates that don't turn into second dates, or so many situations where you're talking to a guy you matched with and they say they love to talk. Guys love to talk and not do any actions, they love to tell you the world and say all the things and then do nothing about it. Nothing about it at all. They love to say I want to take you out and this and that, and then make no effort or plan to do so. They ask for your number and then they don't use it or this and that. They love to talk and never to act on their words. So all of that over and over again and over again can really give you fatigue. So when I so when I'm swiping or matching or whatever, I'm always conflicted on which route I go. Do I match with this guy and talk to him and go on a date with him? Or like what's the point if I already know probably not what I'm looking for? And something that I'm really excited about is the fact that from previous relationships or dates is that I've learned what I want and what I don't want in a sense, and I'm really I was really excited to take what I learned from previous relationships and put it into a new one and act on it and practice on it and learn how I could do better and how I have grown and what I can do differently. So that was kind of exciting to me to like be intentional about that, but I haven't found a guy to be intentional with, so it's just here in my head and in me, but it has not been active or in youths. A lot of my friends tell me that I am being too picky, but I don't think I'm I don't think I'm being too picky. I wouldn't say picky, like I just want a nice guy who I'm somewhat attracted to and that lives near me and is genuinely nice and funny and fun and mature. Is that I don't think that's being picky. I really don't. I just don't find it. I don't I haven't found it. I also am kind of known for my friends for friend zoning a lot of guys. Oops, and maybe that's why I think I'm being too picky, but I have moved around a few times like I talked about, and I have prioritized making friends sometimes over dating. And a lot of time, guys, when you're nice to them, sometimes they assume that you want more and that means more, but sometimes I just want to be friends. Sometimes I just want to be friends and I don't see you romantically. And there have been many instances where I've called my friends and be like, Welp, I had to do it again. But but again, like that's just knowing knowing what I want, and that that's not what I want. So why would I why would I make things awkward in my friendship or waste my time if I already know what I want? And if it is just for fun, then save that for someone who's not already a friend, because then that just makes things even more messy, you know. I save the The just for fun times for people who aren't already a friend. I've also never been the person to have a boyfriend just to have one. I don't need one. Just to have one. I want I want someone who I want, not that I need, you know what I mean? So again, it's not something that I need just to be there. It's then me being selective on who I actually want as a partner and to grow with and be with. But then again, dating should be fun. And I think when you're having fun, then that brings out the best sides of you. And you can use it as just an opportunity to, hey, maybe meet someone you never would have before. And you're going out and getting out of the house and maybe trying a new restaurant or place. And you shouldn't put so much pressure on every single one because that probably does not bring out the best sides of you. But when you're just having fun and taking it lighthearted, then it probably brings out better sides of you and it sets your expectations. So then there's no disappointment. Well, there probably is still disappointment, but they're not there's nothing, there's no pressure put on on it or the person. And it should be something to enjoy and the time should be embraced because once you get into a relationship, you're not gonna be doing this anymore and meeting all these new different people. So I don't know. It's just hard to it's hard. It's hard for me to use the apps. I I've not been good at it. I barely match with anyone because I'm just always going back and forth between like, ugh, I don't know, I don't know what they're like, and and and I just I'm just not sure. So then I don't wanna don't wanna go down there, and then there's certain things I'm looking for that I'm just not finding, and maybe they're not on the apps, but I haven't met them in person, and then it's like I wanna be dating, so I should be making effort and putting myself out there and being intentional, but at the same time, not put like not putting too much pressure on anything. So partially people are like, oh, it happens, you know, you find your person when you're not looking for it, and you're just out living your life, and trust me, I'm doing that. I'm doing all these things for me and doing myself, but then there's the other side of it where it's like, well, if you want to be dating, then you need to be actively doing things to be going on dates and putting yourself out there. So again, it's like if you want to be dating, do you just wait around, not do anything, because it whatever happens when you least expect it or you're not looking for it, but then then that's just seems like a waste of time a lot of the times, and like if you want to be meeting people that you wanna be around, then you need to be getting on the apps or looking around or joining different groups and clubs and stuff, which I don't know. I've tried both, and who knows? Dating, if you're dating in 2025 and soon to be 2026, like I'm so sorry. We're in it together, we're in it together, but it's interesting, it's interesting and weird and different, and I don't know if because social media and the apps, everyone just seems like they have so many options, so no one like takes one seriously, or they just move on to the next, or if now just more commonplace that people don't want to um like take this seriously or settle down until much, much later. Oh my gosh, the amount again of profiles of 35-year-old men who are like, I'm just that state, you know, where it says what you're looking for, and it's like just having fun or short term, not looking for anything serious, still figuring out my dating type. So many say, still figuring out your dating type at the ripe age of 35? What what more do you have to figure out? Have you not what have you been doing? Have you not figured it out yet? Ugh Oh my gosh. Don't let me go on about this again. But it's it's really interesting these days to be to be going through all of this and trying to figure it out. But again, I just stay open. Sort of. I keep saying I stay open. I try to stay open when I'm like out and about in public, but then I guess I get pretty selective on the apps because I'm like, um, um, but then also everyone knows like they gatekeep on the apps, they have a paywall, there's so much algorithm, because it they say you it's to be deleted, but really it's the opposite, and they do everything to make sure you still have the app and are on it. So it's all that stuff combined, and then the insane stuff messages that you get sent. I could make a coffee I I want to make a coffee table book of all the insane like I don't know if they're trying to rage bait, probably to somehow get you to match with them, but say the most insane things. Someone like sent to me trying to get like sent with one of my photos or something, you know, and can you send a comment when you send a like? And it said he said to me that I better hurry up on here because I'm running out of time to have kids at my age. That was his opening message to me. Do you think, Paul, that I want to match with you when you say that to me? Like what is your point? Also, go listen to episode one, because Paul, we're unsure about that, okay? But the amount of insane things that and the audacity that people have to send when they're also at the same time sending them alike, it's insane. Like I said, oh, I'm simple. We're just the nice people that live around me and are my age or older or around my age. It's really just the simple things in life. But somehow somehow this dating culture has made the simple things quite hard to find. It's quite atrocious out there sometimes. But also, you also have to can't have that scarcity mindset because there are, let's be honest, obviously, there's a lot of great people out there, and there's no use in having that scarcity mindset. But ugh, it is rough out there. Get me out of these streets, ASAP, please, please. But yeah, so yeah, just me constantly always going back and forth between being selective, knowing what I want, don't waste my time, trying to not get the fatigue. Yeah, it's kind of inevitable, but also just have fun and enjoy it and what's meant to be will be, I suppose. I suppose, but it's it's a really interesting time and has changed a lot these days. And also I think just the amount of times like getting approached in person, I think that has changed a lot too. I think that has definitely gone down. There may be a little more fears for that. Um, guys approaching. I'm not really sure. Share your thoughts on that if you have any, but I feel like it is it's not as common anymore. So there's a lot of like taboo about when is the right time and where and if it's appropriate. So yeah, I think that too as well has made an impact on people meeting in person or people actually doing something when they see someone they think is cute, instead of just being like, Oh, there they are, and then not doing anything about it. I mean, guilty, we all do that sometimes. But I am one to try and stay optimistic. I want to be optimistic about dating, but there are just these frustrations, and I am happy being single, but at the same time, it's also okay to want to be in a relationship, but it's also okay to not want to settle, and you can you can be all those things at once. You can be happy with your life and happy being single, but at the same time, it would be nice to have a partner and not be single and have someone to live your life with. It's okay to want it all, love both things, want both things, be happy where you're at and be okay, but also want a relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I feel like people, when someone's trying to date, they're always like, you need to just be happy, be single, and enjoy this time, and I have and I am. But at the same time, it'd be nice to have someone as well. And I feel like a lot of people feel that way. And a lot of people do try really hard to stay optimistic about it all, but also then experience all these frustrations. And I'm never one to a lot of people love to be like blame like a whole city or something, and be like, oh, dating in LA is the worst, no, dating in New York's the worst, no, dating in Florida's like everyone says their city is the worst. And I at least right now, maybe soon I'll blame it on a whole city, but I feel like I've found these themes wherever I've lived, so I'm not one to just blame it on a whole city. I am one to know, like, and keep in mind and know that my person's out there and that good people are out there, but all these frustrations just come up. Well, I can I can I can know that and be optimistic and know like everything's gonna work out and know all these things, but at the same time experience these frustrations and want to rant about them. We can be both, we can live both of that life. But yeah, if you're single right now, good luck. We need it. We need it and have fun and know who you are and know what you want, but also have fun and you're not being too picky, don't let people tell you that because I don't believe in that. I don't believe in that for me. I don't think I'm being too picky as all my friends tell me or people tell me. I just think yeah, I really learned from a previous relationship certain things I want and don't want, and I'm not gonna waste any time with what I don't want. So so that's that, and my conclusion is I don't have one because I'm still single. But maybe one day I'll have a conclusion. I'll let you know. I'll let you know, but for now, I don't have one, and all I can say is good luck. Bye. Please like, follow, subscribe, comment, listen on all platforms, send me DMs and emails. Okay, now bye for real.com.