Doing Everything and Still Feeling Behind

You're doing the work. You're showing up. You're saying yes to the right things and trying to say no to the wrong ones. And somehow you still end your week feeling like you failed.

This episode is about that feeling, the one nobody really talks about because from the outside everything looks fine. We're getting into the checklist that never gets shorter, the weeks that were supposed to be chill and weren't, and the guilt of actually living your life while also trying to build something big.

Whether you're pursuing a dream career, trying to hit a fitness goal, figuring out your finances, or just trying to keep up ,this one is for you. Because I think a lot of us are following a blueprint that was never actually built for our lives.

You're not behind. You just borrowed someone else's timeline.

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Editing by Julie Bishop

Cover Artwork by Angelina Richeson

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Yeah, my list only grows and never gets shorter because even if I do get one thing done, I've heard about ten other things that I had need to be doing right now. So before I even accomplish the one thing, I've already added multiple other things onto my plate. So it's like, oh, still not doing enough. You still got more ahead, and you're still not there or in that content place. With me, Julie Bishop, just a tall girl in this world trying to make sense of life, dating, money, relationships, identity, culture. You know all the things. I've learned that my thoughts don't always land with the people around me, so I'm here to break it all down, talk it out, probably over share, and maybe find some who don't think I'm totally crazy after all. Hi, welcome back to Casually Spiraling. We are back again for another week. Thank you so much for coming back and listening. I seriously love you all. Um, yeah, it's been a very busy, very busy time, very busy few weeks. Another week full of working and dog sitting and podcasting and just all the things, trying to keep my head afloat. Seems like a lot of weeks get to that point. Um, yeah, have your weeks been? Have they been as full as mine? Um, the World Cup is going on. I'm not really into soccer that much, but I'm here for the vibes, you know. Like everyone is out and about for the games, bars are packed during the daytime to watch the games, energy is good. So yeah, I've been definitely here for the vibes, even though like soccer isn't my sport, but that's okay. Um, it's been a good time. I've been trying to get outside as much as I can, you know, enjoy the outdoors and the sunshine and all the things. Um, but I I don't know. We're just gonna get right into my spiral, I guess, because you have are you ever felt like you're doing everything and you're doing everything maybe you're supposed to be doing, but you're still just walking around feeling like it's not enough and you're never doing enough. Um yeah, because that's just how I always am feeling. And for me, it shows up in, let's say, my acting career and mainly that and things like that that I'm pursuing, but I feel like it could be any version. Um, for whoever's listening, whether that be your job or your fitness or your finances or your work, your career, your passion, um whatever that may be, or whatever thing that you're working towards, it's just like always there in front of you. And you're trying really hard, but it just never seems like it's enough or that you have time to do enough for it. And it's just always a mental game and a question game of am I doing enough? Am I working hard enough? Um, and just that constant feeling. And I know that I work hard, like I genuinely do. At least that's what people tell me, and I get an outsized perspective hearing that. Of course, it's like weird for me to say myself or admit or even really believe coming from my own mouth, but like at least that's the feedback I get, and I know how many years and time and all the things I put into pursuing the things that I want, but it still just seems like I walk into every week with feeling like I didn't do enough the past week, things are carrying over into this week. I'm just like, I don't know. I'm just not feeling content at accomplishing what I want to already have or be accomplishing and just failing all life at the same time. Like I I just that balance of like not feeling like doing enough for career and work-wise, but then also never entirely um feeling that in like being a human and life-wise either. I'm like, well, I have other life things too that I should be doing and want to be doing and need to make time for, and just never feels like there's enough time, and I don't know. This is this is my spiral and what I'm spiraling with, and definitely have come up lightly in previous episodes before, or in like just like light ways when talking about other topics, but I found wanted to today like fine fully get into like life and feeling enough and what you're doing, and yeah, and just being content and trying to get to that place and what does that even look like? And yeah, what am I doing with my life? You know, you know what's really funny. Um, that I that moment that that came up this past week was when my therapist, I told my therapist that I have a podcast, obviously, and she asked, What's it called? And I just had this moment of pause and laughter of okay, I have to answer that my podcast is called casually spiraling to my therapist. And it's like, Julie, Julie, no, that's not what we're supposed to be doing. And I'm like, I know, but it's my brand, it's what I do, I spiral. Um, yeah, so it was just a funny moment having to make that admission and like what a girl's a girl's gotta spiral, it's gotta happen, and that's that's me, and here we are again. Um, so yeah, I guess just to start where this feelings have been coming from of um never feeling like I'm like doing enough or always questioning, I guess. And one aspect of this is uh I'm such a list person and definitely to a fault. Like I have a list in my phone of things that I need to do, right? And it this list could look like a bunch of different things, like it could be a list of things that you need to do or you think you should be doing to pursue your goals, or like day-to-day things, like I need to clean my bathroom or the kitchen or grocery shop or this or that or whatever you're working towards, and this list could be physical, or it could be in your head of like just knowing, like, oh, I gotta do this kind of thing to reach my goals or this or that. And where does what's on this list come from for you? Like for me, certain things on this list for acting is like casting director workshops, researching casting directors, continuing to submit to agents, continuing to um film content for um my profiles and for my agent, and film like specific little things, and this kind of research and that it's like all so many different things, right? Or you have to take this kind of class, or like I need to uh train with this person at some point, or I don't know, it's just a list that builds and builds and builds, and I like plan to check when I make the list, my intention is to obviously start checking things off. But and I'll get into more of this, but it yeah, it just seems like I have all these other things to balance, so it's hard to then make the time for this specific list. And where my these ideas and these pressures to do every little thing and so many things, where does that come from? For me, it's like I'm listening to like acting podcasts, and they say you have to do this, this, and this, or other industry people, and that's how what they did, and they did this, this, and this, or other actors who maybe further along. It's like you have to do this, this, this, this, and this and this and this. And then the list just builds and builds and builds all this information that's just always being thrown at me. But at the same time, was this list, was their list, are they in the same position as me? Was this list for someone who is working multiple jobs to survive and trying to be a human and has a podcast and this or that? Like maybe our lists need to be more tailored specifically to our situation, you know, because sometimes there's this pressure to do exactly what other people are doing to get to a certain spot, but we're not all living the same life, and it may not translate exactly from one person to the next, and there's just this constant pressure of needing to do everything all at once all the time, and that is very overwhelming and can feel impossible, you know. But for other people, maybe this list of all these things that they feel like they have to do and they're not doing enough, maybe it is coming from a mentor, or you just see like a post on LinkedIn regarding something with your career, and you're like, I need to be doing that and that and that, or from an influencer, and it's like, oh, I need to be doing this, this, this, and this, and this, or a family member who's like in your ear about something. I don't know, wherever it may be, so I think in different forms, you know, whatever goals you have, it could come from some kind of people, some kind of content. And then I think from consuming this kind of content and hearing all this, and you're listening to someone give this advice, there's this guilt feeling that comes after. And before, you know, if I'm listening to a podcast, let's say, before the episode is even over, I'm feeling like shit about myself and I'm feeling so behind. And I feel like I'll just never be in this place where I can do it all and get to the outcome that I desire. It seems like every week I just have so much other stuff going on. It just seems impossible to be in a place where I can always be doing all the things all the time. And but it seems like I'm not getting to the outcome that I desire because so many things on this list just get pushed to the next week and to the next week and to the next week. And it's just feeling like you're never that person that's the example person right now that someone is like, yes, they have everything teed up for them, everything perfectly is coming for them right around the corner because they were doing all the right and exact things. And I'm like, how do you get to be that person? Because I see, I see those person, I see those people in classes and whatever podcasts, workshops, whatever environments I'm in talked about. But anytime I try to get to that point, it just seems like you know, a life thing comes up. There is a different priority that has to be prioritized because of life and surviving and other passions and just trying to be a human as well, you know? And it just never seems possible to get to that being that person of oh, I did all the right things, all of them, I got them all done, I had enough time and money for all that. So yeah, I'm right where I want to be, and it and that's it, and that's working out for me, and then I'm gonna see the results. It just always seems like I can never get to that place, you know? And this can definitely translate into whichever kind of career someone is pursuing or goals that someone is working towards. And I don't know where this list building started, even. I definitely know like in school, I was always like had a planner, had a wrote out, okay, each day um what I'm like for school for sure. And this was very helpful for school. So maybe this mentality just continued after, because but because I would get stressed in school about like having enough time to get all my schoolwork done, I would plan it out. So it'd be like Monday, I'm writing the first page of this paper. Tuesday, I'm gonna write the second page, and Wednesday the third, and I'll be done my first draft Friday. So then I know, like, oh, I'm gonna have it done at time, you know. So I plan out each day and a list and of each um thing that I have to get done that day regarding school, right? And then you go into outside of school and the real world, and your life isn't just based around this one thing. You know, when you're in school, your whole life is just based around being in classes and being in school. So you have all the time to just focus on that. So it's not like each day other things are coming into play that then pushes your to-do list back a day and then pushes it back another day. But then you try and keep up this list and this idea and this mentality after school, and it seems like every day and every week something is coming up that is then pushing the list back and pushing the list back, and it seems really hard to reach and to have everything checked off. And like maybe I'm being dramatic, it sounds like, but I don't know. I'm trying over here and obviously spiraling about out about it, and it also like seems and it definitely does nowadays. The list only grows, it never gets shorter. The point of a list is to check it off and complete it. Yet my list only grows and never gets shorter because even if I do get one thing done, I've heard about 10 other things that I had need to be doing right now. So before I even accomplish the one thing, I've already added multiple other things onto my plate. So it's like, oh, still not doing enough. You still got more ahead, and you're still not there or in that content place, and it just always, always fills up. And is everything on there necessary, or is it some of it just noise? And that's definitely a question to ask yourself. That's a question I need to ask myself. In whatever kind of lists or tasks or things that you feel like you need to do because you don't feel like you're doing enough, is everything in your head or on that list is it necessary, or is it just background noise or pressures that you're hearing from other people and other things? I don't know. Maybe not, maybe I think maybe it's not all necessary. I think we all have different paths and we all have ways of accomplishing a same goal, and we all have different ways of getting there. So maybe it's not the same for me that it is for someone else. What what may work for me in the future may not work for the next person, or vice versa. What exact structure worked for someone who's already there where I want to be, maybe that's not gonna work for me. But maybe I'm putting my pressure on myself to make sure I do every single thing, otherwise I'm not gonna see the results. And maybe at the same time I'm feeling this way because I am not quote unquote there yet, right? I don't have the results yet to verify that what I'm doing right now is enough and is working hard. You know, because I haven't gotten to that outcome and that results yet. But who knows, it could all change in whatever amount of time. Just for example, let's say six months from now, I have results. So then I'm feeling content because I got the results, so then all this work that I was putting previous would then show me it is enough. But because I don't have those results yet, it's like this question mark and this uncertainty space that I'm in. So then it's immediately in my head, like, okay, well, you don't have the results, so it's not enough, and there's so much more to do, and you gotta figure it out, you know. It would be really nice, and maybe I need this, and let me know if you have this and your goals, having some sort of mentor, someone that you trust fully that is further along, that can you have some kind of relationship with and can just tell you yes or no, you're doing enough, you're doing the right things, or no, you need to be doing more, or yeah, they can let you know you are doing the right things and your time is coming and the results are coming, and I can see it, or know, like these are important things on your list that you do need to get done when you can, you know, but it's hard to find someone in any field that you can fully trust like that, or even have a relationship with like that, where it's not like weird, or someone's taking advantage, or you know, just finding that genuinely, it's it's not something really I think that you can seek out. I think it's just something that has to come along. So then again, it's not like something tangible that you can just go and choose from. It's like you just have to meet someone and build that connection and relationship with and things just align, you know. Because like at least in my instances, it's not like like you have your classes and your teachers, but they have their outside life and their outside career. They're not there to like be your friend on the outside and like know you on the outside and really do that. It's I don't know. I don't know, it's weird. And this is an active spiral, so hopefully I'm coming across and making sense. But yeah, it yeah, I guess it would just be nice to have someone to really like fully trust and confide in and to let me know yes or no, because really I'm just out here raw dogging life and raw dogging figuring shit out and just doing it on my own, and like I really hope this is the right thing. But yeah, because I don't have that certainty yet, it never feels like it's enough, or it is the right thing. And during this period where you're questioning everything and not feeling like you're doing enough, or you have time to do enough, or you're like, what am I doing with my life? Seriously, where does your identity fall in that? Or how do you feel about yourself doing that? Your sense of self when you're in this spot of feeling like you're constantly failing short. That's kind of what I feel like constantly fall stop failing, sorry, constantly falling short is what the phrase that I meant. And it's just like I just start feeling kind of like I'm saying we never feel like enough, I never feel like I'm doing enough or doing the right things, and that things just keep slipping away from me, and time keeps slipping away from me. Another week goes by, another week goes by, and it just slips and slips and slips, and before you know it, like months pass, a year pass, another year in a certain place, and it's like, how do I stop that from happening? How do I get to a place of feeling so content? Who am I in this period? You know, how am I feeling on a day-to-day basis when so much is changing externally and there's so many pressures, and pressure is high, at least the pressure I'm putting on myself, of course. How am I staying connected to who I really am underneath it all? I think what helps me, at least during times of this kind of these spirals, and the whole what am I doing with my life and ever am I ever gonna get there, is remembering the gram scheme of life and everything. Cause yeah, at the end of the day and at the end of life, what's really important and what's really important is like who you are and the people you have and you know, other life experiences. It's not just this one thing in the gram scheme of your whole life, like what is make you happy, what part of parts of it, how much parts of your life are you happy versus other stuff that you're going to, right? In the whole gram scheme of things, everything's okay, and it's all gonna be okay. And of course, if you're working hard, like things are gonna work out, and I do believe that, but yeah, so that's what I just try to remember remind myself and like ways to think about it to make sure I don't lose myself when I am always questioning, am I doing enough? Am I working hard enough? Am I doing the right things? Um, because I know in the grand scheme of life I'm doing enough and I'm a good person and this and that, and I'm happy in so many aspects and doing so many cool things. So that's really what's important and what's really gonna be important when I'm on my deathbed. Um, but you know, of course, you still do want to have your goals and you still don't do want to have your passions and pursuits and your finding your purpose and this and that, you know. But I don't know, maybe I'll ask it to you. Have you ever felt like you didn't recognize yourself during one of these uncertain seasons of your life or periods? Not that I haven't necessarily not recognized myself per se, but I do always think about like times in my life where maybe things were running more smoothly and I was feeling like I was doing enough because I was like actively auditioning and I had an agent. Back in Atlanta and this and that. So I felt like I was caught up on things and like working towards it more. And I do think about, and I don't even know if I have really changed or not, but the thing for me personally that I question is like, was I more a more bubbly, bubblier person during those times, or am I just tripping? Am I like really just psyching myself out? Because I do do I do really like when the compliment or any time anyone has ever told me like you're a positive or bubbly person, right? Or you're um, you know, a chill and you know, don't let things make you more upset or annoyed or whatever. Half half glass full type of person. And I do pride myself on trying really hard to carry myself that way. So that is one pressure that I think about personally. I'm like, was I more bubbly back it went during a phase where I felt more content with what I'm doing than I am now, or am I just getting in my head about it? Not that I'm not bubbly or whatever now or positive now, but was I different? Am I still that way? Am I smiling as much? Am I making other people feel as seen as I once was when I was feeling that way? I want to get to that person again if a certain day I don't feel that I'm accomplishing that, you know? So it can definitely during these phases make you tr uh question your identity and who you are and how you are because of this uncertainty. And are you different or are you just in a different circumstance right now? You know, I wouldn't say I'm fully a different person, this or that, but I think when you are content with a lot of things in your life, um you can come across a different way and exert different energy than of course when you're stressed or sad or this or that or constantly have something else on your mind, like you're just naturally gonna put out a different energy, you know? So that is always on my mind. I'm like, oh, am I am I being as much positive and bubbly as I once was, or how do I get back to that if I haven't? Or I hope it's coming across, you know? I yeah, I'm in my head a lot if you can't tell how this whole podcast started, but she has got a lot of thoughts always going on up there, you know? And yeah, definitely too much of trying to reach a certain perception of who I thought I was when I felt like I had my shit together, versus when I feel like I don't have my shit together, you know? And as I touched on why I'm always feeling behind or like I'm not checking things off the list. One reason is that I'm I've I see a week ahead and it's supposed to be a chill week, and I'm like, yes, today's Sunday, look at this week I have ahead. I do have extra time to get start checking some of those things off. It's gonna be chill, and then before you know it, it's like Monday or Tuesday, and the week that was supposed to be chill has got really busy, and even like if I'm waking up super early, like there just isn't enough time to physically function and get everything done. Every time I think I'm gonna have a chill week, before I know it, that week gets full, and then before I know it, I'm putting off not doing something on that list until the next week. And then the next week comes along, and I think it's gonna be more chill, and I'll have more time to check things off on that list, and then it fills up, and then it get puts off to the next week and the next and the next, and it's just a constant pattern. And I am someone who does wake up at 6 30 or 7 to start getting stuff done, like it's not even like I'm sleeping in or this or that, it's just literally the physical amount of time and energy that you have, and it seems like it keeps getting filled up with all these things like work and picking up extra shifts to make money and also dog sitting because I need to make enough money to survive, and then also I have this podcast that I love and I'm working on, and then also I do need to work out and move my body to feel better, and then also I do want to say yes to a social plan every once in a while. That would be nice, and then I do either have an audition or an acting class, and then it's just one thing after another and after another of all these things that have actual deadlines and that are necessary to functioning and surviving and paying rent and this and that, that it then the the end of the week comes and it's like I didn't have a moment to to go back to this list and check something off, and the one thing that maybe I had set to do, let's say on Thursday, it got pushed to Friday, and then it got pushed to the next week, and yet more and more life things just come up, and it yeah, it just seems like any chill week that's supposed to be chill just gets so crazy, and every single one of those things that I am doing during the week is legitimate, and it's none of it is just like time wasters, or none of them are wrong or a waste of time, and yet together they create this feeling of I'm constantly running and never arriving, always running and never arriving at the place that you think you're supposed to be at or feel, and I never just continue to feel caught up enough to give myself the extra time to even do things like clean my room or my kitchen or do the little things. I never feel caught up enough to do those other little tasks that are needed. Trust me, it needs a clean. But yet I never feel caught up with everything else that I give my time to do that because I'm like, I got so much other stuff that actually has to get done. And if I have a slight minute of time, it feels like it should be that time to research that casting director or send that email or make that phone call and whatever thing you have on your list to do. So it everything just ends up always getting put off then, and then I never feel in the right place, doing all the right things all the time. And one of the scariest parts is sharing what you're trying to achieve when you're in this transitional period, you know? It's hard to figure out what to share and when. Thank you very much. Um, because what if you never do get everything you said you set out to do? It's scary because you don't know. You don't know what the outcome's gonna be or the results are gonna end up being, but yet you're sharing pieces of yourself and what you're trying to do to other people, and it could feel like there could be some judgment if you don't get there. It could be embarrassing or this or that. Like, yeah, absolutely. I have like held back from sharing a lot, a lot of what I do on the day-to-day basis, actively working towards my goals. I don't just constantly tell people all the little things, and people ask me what I did today. I'm not telling them, oh, I sent this email, I listened to this podcast to learn something. I all the little things that I am always trying to actively do, I don't always share with people. I don't always immediately want to say everything that I'm working towards and my dreams and my goals, because what if you don't ever get there? And who really gives a fuck what other people would think, honestly? Like, so it doesn't even matter, but it's still scary because yes, who gives a fuck if you don't end up doing a certain thing you set out to do and someone else may have some comment or judgment? It doesn't really matter because yeah, they've never tried and they're not doing whatever thing or goal you're trying to achieve. So it really doesn't give a fuck, but it can be scary, and I never instantly tell anyone that I'm an actress or pursuing acting. That's never gonna be something that I that has been like my one of my first things that I um go out of my way to say unless I'm in like intentionally asked. Um, but a lot of the times I do feel like I like sweep it under the rug and I'm like, let's talk about something else, or I don't want to advertise that, right? Because it's always followed up by, well, what have I seen you in? And then it's an immediate feeling of okay, well, I'm not doing enough. It's that feeling, I'm not doing enough because I don't have an answer to that. And again, I'm using my own personal experiences, but this can I think relate and go into whatever career you're pursuing or goals or job or passions. And people ask you, like, how is it going? What success have you made? And you don't have an answer for that yet, and then it just immediately makes you feel like shit because you don't have that answer that they are looking for and that they want you to have yet. And then it like ends up being a reflection on yourself, and I'm just then get stuck back into that, okay. Well, I'm not doing enough. Again, I don't have the answer they want to this question. Again, I don't feel like I want to talk about it because I don't feel like I have the, yeah, yeah, yeah, all this amazing results and outcome yet. And they don't, they don't know all the work that you're doing and all the little things that you're doing or trying to do every single day to get to that answer and have that answer of results that they want, but they're not gonna understand that. No one's gonna understand that, no one sees what you're doing, all those small things on our day-to-day, just you know that. And yet, with you knowing that and myself knowing that, it still is hard to convince myself that I am doing enough and I am, you know, making progress. So, yeah, it's especially crazy that I'm on here sharing all this publicly because yeah, that's just crazy to me. And I'm in development. I am currently in development. It's not like I started this once I've reached a certain goal and had the platform and people to start it with. I am in development of all my goals and pursuits, and it could never happen. And who knows what life will bring and what changes come. I like to believe it is gonna happen, but who knows, you know? And hopefully I'll have this to look back on, but yeah, I am in the middle of all of this currently. I'm not on the other side, so we are gonna see what happens together, I guess. And then even just not publicly, like the family members or people in l in your life, do you always tell them everything you're working towards on your day-to-day and all your goals? Or do you wait to open up? Like, let me know how you handle this. Um, because yeah, even people that are in my life more like family or friends or whatever, I'm not always open and saying exactly every single thing. And I definitely feel very hesitant, and that's okay. I think it's okay to keep things to yourself and have things for you, and you know what you're doing, and that's what matters. So, and that is what matters, but here I am spiraling about me not knowing if I'm doing enough. So that's what we need to fix first, because it doesn't matter if other people know, it matters if you know, if you believe it, and you feel content with yourself. So that really is the root of where my spiral is, and it's personally, and it's not about what other people think, because yeah, fuck that. And that doesn't really matter, and that's not the important opinions that matter. But yet somehow there still is this pressure to maybe exaggerate what I'm doing or throw in a little white lie here or there if someone asks to make myself feel better and not feel like shit, and to make them like happy and the answer that they're looking for, you know, and to satisfy them, and then as a result, it satisfies yourself a lot. It's hard to resist that. It's hard to resist to exaggerate or a little lie here and there, and maybe sometimes in the moment you need you gotta do that for you to keep yourself positive and keep on truck and keep on moving, and hey, don't knock it, I guess. But yeah, there can be a lot of pressures from other people day to day on where you're at and where you're at in life and your goals and this unknown, uncertain middle ground period. So when I'm in one of these weeks, which it seems like every week, that so many things have added up and it all of a sudden got so busy and ended up not being chill. I think the first things that get dropped off of my list to do are those things on this external list, because those things don't have an exact deadline. They're just things that I need to be doing, right, to pursue a certain thing, or that I think I need to be doing for a certain goal. But other things in my life don't get dropped, like going to work or this podcast, because there is a deadline. I I need a new episode and everything to be done by Thursday. I have to go to work so I don't get fired, and then so I get a paycheck, you know, and like working out. I like to do that five days a week, so that is where I need to fit it in to feel better in myself and my body and to let stress out, you know. So there's other things like that that have a deadline, or like I am booked on a dog sing job from this day to this day. I have to be doing that every single day between that period. There are exact deadlines for these certain things. But when you are pursuing something on your own without a deadline or an exact time frame, then that every week is what seems to be dropped. And yet that could be the thing you're most passionate about, and that could be the thing that you want to achieve the most. But life has all these other circumstances that makes everything else more of a necessity. So then when every single week gets very busy, unfortunately, those other things is what get pushed and pushed and pushed, and something always seems to just fill up your space and push those things back more. And I don't even know like what would it feel to feel caught up or quote unquote caught up. Like, can you even picture it if you're in this state? Can you picture it? Do you know what that would feel like? Cause I just feel like I'm always chasing it. And maybe yeah, I have felt it before. But at this point, I know I've used this like I don't know if metaphor is the right word, but like where you just feel like you're on a hamster wheel and you're running, you're on and running, you're working, you're working and working, but are you moving at all? Or are you just running in the same place, you know? So I don't even know what it would feel like to feel caught up. And I'm sure once you get to that place, then there's a million other things on your plate. So then you don't feel caught up, and then once you achieve that goal, there's a million other things that come along with it, you know? So who knows if anyone actually does feel caught up, but I just have this idea where I don't know, it just seems really hard to get there, and it seems hard to feel satisfied with everything that I'm doing, and that I'm doing enough, and that I'm doing all the right things, and that there isn't more things that I need to be doing because of this very stagnant feeling, you know? And it just it just gets in my head, and then there's just always this dream of like feeling caught up and feeling like, oh, I'm in the right place, and now everything's just gonna fall into place. And maybe one day I will have those results and I will have those outcomes, so then I can report back and I can report back saying everything she was doing then was enough and it was working and it was working hard. But I just again, we just don't have those results yet when you're in this weird period of your life where you're like, what is life? What am I doing? What am I doing with my life? Are things falling into place? Are things moving forward and progressing? And yeah, so I can't wait. I can't wait to one day have the results and hopefully I can look back and I can confirm, yes, you're doing enough, you're doing the right things, but you just don't know at this point, you know, when you don't have the results or the outcomes yet. It's it's a big old question mark, and that's the scariest place to be in. And then I keep I keep coming back to this feeling of guilt in different ways. The guilt of saying yes to a social plan and feeling like, oh my gosh, I wasted my time, I could have used that time for this, this, or that, and feeling like, oh, did I waste time and I'm now setback on my goals? Or how messed up is that? And then is living your life a setback? But at the same time, I feel like there's more things that I need to be doing to living my life and exploring at this time. So I'm not even satisfied in that part, but then at the other hand, I'm not satisfied in the career part, so I'm never feeling like I'm doing either side justice, and I'm always like half-assing or going back and forth between the two, and feel like I always need to be doing more in both aspects. Like I do think it's really important to be a human and live your life, but then I also think it's important and that I want to go after my goals and pursue it. So will I ever also be content in both aspects or feeling satisfied in both aspects? I don't know. I don't again, I think maybe one period of your life you're feeling content in one aspect, and then you're like, okay, I'm satisfied, so let me go now to the other side and live my life and then go back and forth. But when you're in this transitional period, it seems like both are never, both are never complete and actively growing. It just seems stagnant and weird and just in this I don't know, and I don't know what's right, and I don't know what's wrong. And with all of this comes this like psychological weight on your brain that maybe not everyone talks about, but it's this specific feeling of I am showing up and I am doing work and I am checking off some boxes, but then I'm still walking away and I'm still not feeling like it's enough. And there's still all these other boxes on the list that haven't been touched ever in so long. And but at the same time, I don't feel like I'm being lazy. I don't feel like I'm not doing nothing. I do feel like every day I'm doing something, and it's not a lack of drive because I've been working at this one thing, at least me personally, for years and years and years, or whatever that one goal you may have in any aspect, it's is something that you're probably passionate about. So it doesn't seem like it's a lack of drive, and it doesn't seem like it's laziness, and I do think I would be real with myself and self-aware, and I would check myself if it was those things. So I don't think it's those things, but yet at the same time, it's not feeling like enough, and I need to feel like I'm doing more. But I'm struggling to find the balance of getting to that place and being able to do more, and it's it's just this gap of effort and certainty, you know. I do feel like I have the effort and I have the dreams and I I'm not waiting around for things to happen, I'm going after them, so I'm putting in the effort, but with that, there's still the certainty didn't come with that, you know? And you may think like the certainty comes with that, and I try to like remind myself and tell myself like there is certainty that everything's gonna work out because of those things, but when you haven't gotten there yet, it's hard, it's hard to make yourself believe that it is certain that it's gonna work out, you know, because I'm in the spot of being like, I don't know, is am I am I this or that? And that just can really take a toll, you know, in your head and your day-to-day and how you carry yourself. And you you can control the work, you can control the work, you can control the work that you're putting in, but you can't always control the outline or the timeline of the outline, and that gap between what you can and can't control is where the spiral lives and breathes and goes off, you know, because you're putting in all this work that you're trying to put in, but yet the outcome hasn't come for you yet. And it maybe it's not your timeline, you know, maybe it's meant to come at a different point in your life, but you don't see that yet. You don't see that until it's already happened. So when you're in this period yet that it hasn't happened. You feel so out of control. At least I do. And I hate feeling out of control in that aspect. I like to have tangible control at what I'm doing and the results. Like, like in school, like back to school, you you put in the work, you study. So then your results, you're sorry, your results are that you get in A plus, right? But here when you're pursuing outside dreams and passions and goals, you're putting in the work and you're putting in the work, but your results, immediate results, might not be a plus. It might not be all put together and right there in your face. You know, it might not be what you're picturing right now and at that time. It may take more time and take for other things to align. So this gap in between is where my head is fucking spiraling at, you know? And it can be such a comparison too. You're seeing other people ahead of you, and you're trying to just reverse engineer exactly what they did to get there and what they did to where they are at now, but yet it might not apply to you, and you don't have the same results and outcome. You know, you may watch your coworker get promoted. So then you're like, what did they do? Let me do, try and do the exact same thing, but you might not have the same results, or you see your friend hit some milestone in their life, but you haven't yet. Or not everything, you know, works the same for everyone, right? So if you're seeing other people do what you're doing and yet they have the results, or they have the quote unquote outcomes that they have made it or are there, whatever that means to you and what you're pursuing, then it can be tough because yeah, life just doesn't work linear for everyone, you know? You have to stick to your own path and and figure out what works for you, but what ends up working for one person may not work for you, and vice versa. So that can be tough to accept and tough to witness, and that can just fuel the spiral more because you're being you could be like, I'm doing all the same things, but I'm not in the same place as that person. So what the fuck does that mean I'm not doing enough again? But I think there's a realization that needs to happen, and there's a distinction between actually being behind and feeling behind. And are they the same thing? I don't think so. You know, there is a difference between the two, and it's hard to just not always have that feeling. Feelings aren't facts, right? Feelings aren't always facts. You can feel behind and feel like you're doing not doing enough, but that might not be the fact. But it's hard to know whether it's the fact or not, because you don't have the results yet to let you know. So you're just stuck in this place trying to figure out the distinction, right? But I don't know, if you think to yourself, if a friend described to you your worth it what your worth ethic and said like that was them, would you tell them like they're not doing enough? No, I don't think so. You know, if a friend described to me how I work as if they were the ones doing it, you would be so supportive of them, most likely. And you can recognize that, but it's hard to make yourself really believe it inside of your like body in your head and not spiral about it. And it can be hard to pinpoint where this feeling of not enough actually comes from. You know, what is is it from reality of what you're doing, or is it from the story that you're telling yourself in your head? You know, it's hard, it's hard to distinguish and tell when you're actually in the middle of it. You kind of need, or it would be nice to have an outside perspective person, like I was saying, I need someone to just who has no other like malicious intent and just is pure and just knows exactly and can just be like, yes or no. I need I need that person in my life, right? It would be nice to have someone you can put 100% faith into. And maybe there is someone for you. If you do have a mentor in your goals or someone in your life you can lean on, then I would definitely reach out to that person if you are spiraling with this and find that person, maybe an outside perspective, because it can be really hard when you're in the middle of it to be so clear in what you're seeing and what you're believing, and if it's just a feeling or if it's actual facts, right? And I think it's always important to ask yourself, like, is there a version of this where you are doing exactly what you're doing and it is enough. And you are doing what you need to be doing, but you just can't see it yet. It's enough, but you just can't see it yet, you know? At least when I'm in the middle of spiraling out, hopefully you can, you know, somewhat calm yourself down by asking yourself that. And now I am in the middle of this myself. So I'm trying to reframe things a little bit. It's not a solution or a fixing it episode, okay? They're there, I'm in the middle of it. So I'm trying to just do a reframe for myself and think about things differently. But I'm just gonna start by like starting from the beginning, questioning the blueprint, the people that I'm quote unquote like hearing things from that make me add more and more things to my checklist. Are they in the same spot as me? Do we even want the same exact things? Do they have a job? Do they have a podcast? Do they have a dog sitting business? Do they have a social life? Or no? Are we completely down different paths? So maybe they're not the ones I should be writing down my checklist from, you know? What are they all maintaining? Or maybe they're not successfully maintaining all these things, all those things. So is that the route that I want to be taking, you know? Start from the beginning and question things and don't always just take things right off the bat, you know? Or were their rules for their path, were they just for their circumstances? Or are they written for my circumstances? They could, or we could have completely different circumstances. So just from the beginning, trying to reframe those things and think about those things before creating an overpowering, unrealistic expectation for yourself. Maybe that certain checklist was built for someone who has a different life than yours. That doesn't mean you're doing it wrong or they're doing it wrong. It probably just means like you might need to build the list based off of your life and what can be handled and what is sustainable for you. And I think another reframing when I'm going through this kind of spiral is remembering that my full life, the relationships I have, the spontaneous social plans I make, the human experiences I'm going through, all that isn't necessarily separate from this other dream that I have, but it all feeds into it and it all encourages it and it all builds it. You can't bring anything real into your work if you're not living a real life outside of it, you know? It's important to bring in those experiences just outside of work, and it'll fuel it and make it better and make it more real and make it more true to you. So even if you do have a week where you said yes to one or two social plans, it's not taking away from your work because it's fueling into yourself as a human being, it's fueling into yourself as how you come across, and then hence it fuels into your work and will make it better. So it's not a waste of time and you're not not doing enough because of it. And then lastly, before I leave you, I think just remember to try to give yourself a little credit for what you have done and be like, damn, am I okay? Maybe I don't feel like I'm doing enough right now, but what have I done this week? Remember what you are checking off instead of only focusing on what you're not checking off. Because it can be caught up in your head, and then that really fuels until I'm not doing enough. When really there are all these little things that are making you progress and moving you forward. So make sure to give yourself credit for that too. But yeah, when you're in the middle of it, it's tough. And even if you have to force yourself to believe it, you know, sometimes you have to lie to yourself or fake it to your make it, even if you don't actually believe it. Tell yourself you do, right? Keep begging it until you make it. If you are working hard, you're not behind, even if it doesn't feel like it, you're building something real inside of a real life instead of a perfect life, you know. Everyone has life circumstances. Not everyone's life is gonna go linear and just go in an upward, progressing direction, you know. We're gonna have moments where we're going up and then we might go down and then we might plateau and we might go up again, you know. I don't think anyone's really projection is just straight up, you know? It's balancing those different faces. And, you know, it's actually harder and braver following your own instincts and your own path than someone else's blueprint. And I think it'll work better and more beneficial for you specifically. So as we go into this next week, this weekend, and then into the next week, hopefully I don't spiral pushing things off into the next week, but just remember whose checklist are you actually following? Is it the one meant for you? What have you been working towards? Pat yourself on the back for that. And what is actually fit for the life that you were building for yourself and the life that you want to have? You know? You know? Alright. Hopefully the next time you hear from me, I won't be questioning everything that I've done and everything that I'm doing. And I hope maybe you do a little bit less of that as well. Um, but yeah, Dang I was talking for a lot longer than I thought I was. Um, so I'm gonna head out. I'm gonna leave ya. I hope you have a great rest of your week, and I hope you like, I hope you subscribe, I hope you follow, I hope you do all the things. Um, and yeah, I'll see you next Thursday.