Throwback Thursday: Casually Ignoring the Red Flags

In this Throwback episode from January, we’re diving into the subtle red flags in relationships. The ones that show up early but don’t feel serious enough to address at the time. Control disguised as concern. Jealousy mistaken for passion. Feeling unsafe to communicate. Being with someone who doesn’t respect your friends, your independence, or your excitement for life.
Red flags aren’t always dealbreakers in the moment, but they’re data. And ignoring data doesn’t make it disappear.

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Follow, like, comment, and subscribe :)

Instagram:  @casuallyspiralingpodcast & @julbishop

Youtube: CasuallySpiralingPodcast

Tik Tok: @casuallyspiralingpodcast & @julbishop12

Share your stories or questions to casuallyspiralingpodcast@gmail.com

Editing by Julie Bishop

Cover Artwork by Angelina Richeson

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SPEAKER_00 0:19

Welcome to Casually Spiraling. With me, Julie Bishop, just a tall girl in this world, trying to make sense of life, dating, money, relationships, identity, culture, you know, all of the things. I've learned that my thoughts don't always land with the people around me, so I'm here to break it all down, talk it out, probably over share, and maybe find some who don't think I'm totally crazy after all. Hello, hello, hello everyone. We are back. Last week we had our first guest episode, and I truly am so excited about it. I hope you all listened. I hope you all enjoyed. I'm literally obsessed with having guests on, obsessed with Emily. So please, please, please tell me who you want to have on, what you want to hear from them, what topics you think would be good discussing with a guest, all the things. And if you haven't listened, go listen. Let me know how you liked it, your thoughts, all the things. Um, I really, really had a good time doing that. So I can't wait to do more. And I do have more guests coming up in the future, so please stay tuned, subscribe to get all the info and first notifications and times of listening for that. And we also had so much fun reading in the stories that you guys have sent in. So please keep sending. They were really kind of crazy, um, but so fun to read and listen to and react to. So I want to hear more. So if you haven't yet already, please share with me either on the Instagram. You can DM me casually spiraling podcast, TikTok, you can DM me casually spiraling podcast or the Gmail, which is casually spiralingpodcast at gmail.com. So easy to find, same name, all platforms. But please, please, please, please share all your stories. I want to hear them all. I want to hear how crazy you are, I want to hear how ratchet you are. I want to hear how insane. Um, I mean, because we all have those days. So it'll make it super relatable for everyone else to hear that maybe they're not alone, or maybe they are just actually crazy, but it'll be fun to listen to. So please, please let me know. And getting sent in your stories, this kind of brings up a prompt or maybe a prompt for you guys to send in your stories about. And that's what's the dumbest or weirdest thing that you got in trouble for as a kid. Recently, I went home for the holidays, and when I'm home, reunited with a family friend that um me and my family and my sisters grew up with, like our moms were friends, and then they had three daughters. I have, you know, three dollar daughters, me and my two sisters, um, we're all similar ages, went to the same school. So we all kind of spent time together growing up, and I feel like whenever we see each other, this one story always comes up, no matter what. So is there one story that maybe always sticks out, even if it's weird or dumb or whatever? It just always happens to always come back up when you're around a certain person or a certain group or certain family, whatever. Cause we definitely have one, and every single time I see them, the story comes up. But it's pretty much like the dumbest and weirdest thing that we got in trouble for as kids that we now we always talk about and laugh about. I don't know why. We just we just have one of those stories. So please, again, share yours. I'd love to hear. Um, ours is ours is a time where um we were home alone. So it was my older sister and the older sister of the other family, and then me and my friend. Um, so the two older sisters were babysitting me and um my family friend who's around my age. So we were home alone, the four of us. Um we are, I guess, six or five years in age difference between us and our older siblings. Um, so they were babysitting us, and we were super young, and I don't know why it was in the middle of the summer, but the older siblings thought that it would be a fun idea to go out on the roof. And what they wanted to do on the roof was they wanted to cook an egg on the roof in the sun. That's what was their big plan for us today when they were babysitting. And then, of course, we see the older siblings go out on the roof, and we're like, well, we're gonna come out on the roof, and that's totally fine. Roof of like, think of a you know, stereotypical suburban, middle class house. We had basements in Pennsylvania, so three stories, slanted roof up there, and decided to cook an egg and hang out on the roof. And then, of course, what happens is the moms come home and see us on the roof. Just their kids hanging out on the roof of the house. And we were typically very good kids, never really got in trouble for much. So I don't know where this idea came from or what urged this day. Um, we blame it on the older siblings because they were babysitting us and we were younger, so I was younger, so really it's their fault. But I don't know why this story always comes up, but they were so mad at us. We weren't allowed to see each other and hang out with each other for a little bit, and like their mom had to call my mom because we were over their house, and yeah, they were like, Oh my gosh, that's what made us such bad kids. We weren't bad kids at all, but of course, yeah, that happened, and our moms were so mad, and we were banned from seeing each other, and that's just one of the stories that just always repeatedly comes up when you see someone. So I want to hear yours and if you have that one funny story that defines a moment in your childhood and always comes back up. So let's get into today's topic. Today I thought it would be fun to talk about red flags, but obviously, red flags gets talked about a lot. It's a very common term, very common topic, but we all know there's like certain obvious ones that I feel like always gets talked about or are very common and you know to look for when starting a new relationship. Like we all know everyone brings up how someone treats a wait staff or customer service. We all know to look out for that, or if someone is just kind or if they're sneaky and hiding things. Like these are the common ones that I feel like always get talked about and like obvious to look for. And yes, of course, those are important, but I thought it'd be fun to talk about maybe the not so obvious ones, or the ones that aren't as commonly talked about, or the ones that maybe they play out over time and may not like show up right away, but slowly play out over time and may not seem like something big at first, but over time probably really unhealthy and just leads to future incompatibility and a lot of issues in the future. So it's not gonna be about the obvious red flags, not this episode at least. It's about the ones that maybe we excuse at first or rationalize or don't notice until we are already much more emotionally attached into the relationship. So let's get into it. I wrote out a few, wanted to discuss, and let me know what you think. And these are all some that I have seen in friends' relationships, other girls have talked about in their relationships, I've experienced in relationships or like dating, whatever. Um, so all ones that I've seen for my own eyes in one way or another. Okay, so the first one is if your partner doesn't allow, and we're already getting off to a strong start, because I hate the word allow. If your partner says they don't allow you to do anything, like cut that out. I'm my own person. No one should be allowing you to do or do not or to do or to not do something. Like that already right there before I even finished my sentence is like no red flag, the word allow, no one should be telling me that they allow me to do this or to do that. You're each your own individual person and make your own decisions. But anyway, I'm already getting distracted. So the first one, they don't allow you to go out with your friends or go out without them. Like if you're going out your friends without them and going out with your girls, they don't trust you to go out, to go to bars, go to parties, whatever, go on trips, girls' trips, whatever it may be without them being there. Now, never ever would I be with someone who doesn't quote unquote allow or want me to go out with my friends on my own. You each should be individual people doing your own thing, having your own lives, but are also in a relationship. And you don't need to every single time be invited or every single time be going with them. If there's no trust there on how they're going to act when you're not there, then why even be in the relationship at all? That's already that's already a problem in itself. You should have your own separate individualities. That's what's so great about relationships, is that you have your own separate individualities and your separate individual lives, and then you come together. But it's still important to maintain your individuality and your relationships outside your like friendships outside of your relationship. So yeah, but that just shows to me that they don't trust. They don't trust how you're gonna act when you're not around them. And just I don't understand why. Why would you want to be with someone who you can't trust? This happens all the time. I've seen so many people be with people that they just don't trust. I'm like, that seems exhausting and a lot of anxiety. And like, even if they're not doing anything wrong, the fact that you don't trust them to not do anything wrong is an issue in itself. So just start there and it's just gonna keep happening and they're gonna isolate you if they're not gonna allow you, uh quote unquote allow that stupid word, to go do things or be in a bar environment or a party environment without you. They should trust how you're going to act, and they should be happy that you have friends that you can go and spend time with. I think a common theme with a lot of these that come up is a trust thing. Um, that's kind of what a lot of these come down to because the next one in a similar way is if you feel the need to check their phone or DMs or location when they're not looking, then right there, like if you think that they're sneaking something, if you have any inclination or if you think that they'd be the type of person to do that, then again, why are you with them in the first place? You shouldn't, you should again trust them and shouldn't feel the need that they would ever be doing anything crazy on their phone or in their DMs or tr not telling you where they are, like not being honest about where they are and needing their location. Now I get like a lot of relationships, once you're much further down in the relationship, people share their locations and it's not like a mistrust thing, it's more of just a oh, like a scheduling thing, like, oh yeah, he's at work right now, okay. Let me do this or whatever, or I shouldn't call him or this or that. So that's not really what I'm talking about. It's more in the sense of like a new relationship, no trust. I need to see a real location to make sure you're not lying to me, this and that. Again, if you have those worries, why would you even be in the relationship in the first place? You shouldn't be worried or jealous. Jealousy isn't passion. A lot of people, I think, confuse that. Jealousy isn't passion, it's more about insecurity than passion and excitement. I feel like there's a lot of crisscross there that people get confused and get excited with this passion, but know what, like, no, it's just based off of insecurity or the fact that you're with someone that has given you reason to not trust them or behave in a certain way for you to not trust them. So again, it's just gonna continue. And why would you why would you want to be in that? Like in a relationship, you like each should freely, like, yes, have access maybe to their phones and DMs if you want, but not feel like that you need to, or there should be no sneaking, no sneaking, no insecurity, jealousy feelings revolving around that. The next one is if they dictate how you dress and look, they should your partner should always, I feel like, be hyping you up, no matter what kind of outfit that is. Of course, everyone can share their opinions on fashion or like oh this or that. I don't I oh he wears crocs and I hate Crocs, but that's who I'm dating or whatever, because yeah, I hate Crocs, and I would make fun of them too if they wore Crocs. But that's not really what I mean. It's like if you want to wear something where your body is tea, where your boobs are looking good, or this or that, or you look really handsome or pretty or sexy, whatever it is, and they have an issue with you going out and looking in the world, how you do, red flag. Stay away. They should be hyping you up and be proud that you are their partner and be like, yes, that is my partner, that is her or him, or whoever it is, and I am proud. Like, damn, you should think she's cute or he's cute or whatever, and that's my girlfriend. They should hype you up and not want to hide you or shame you or tear you down for what you want to wear and how you want to present yourself. They are with you because they, you know, love you or like you or whatever, wherever you're at in the relationship. They shouldn't want to hide you, or they shouldn't be afraid of how you will get approached or reacted to like if you're looking so good, then they may have a fear, oh well, they're gonna get hit on. Okay, so what? So what you go out and get hit on, then they should trust that you will handle that respectfully and handle it with grace and respect of your partner. Again, it comes down to trust if that's the issue or the insecurity on if someone's dictating how you dress or saying you should or shouldn't wear whatever, then if they're afraid of let's say a guy coming up to you because you look good, then they should just trust that you will shut it down respectfully, tell them you have a boyfriend or this or that, and not be flirting with anyone else. You should wear what you want, feel good in what you want, hype each other up, be proud of each other. I've I've witnessed this out with out with some girls, and some photos were posted, and a girl got a call from her boyfriend, and he was like, I cannot believe you're going out wearing like that. And she looked good, she looked good. Why wouldn't she be going out wearing that? And he was like yelling at her and shaming her, and then the girl was in a bad mood the rest of the night and just I'm sure felt awful, and yeah, it's just awful. Notice this, clock this. I don't know if they say anything revolving around that, like ew, get get away, please. Okay, the next one is how they act around your friends. Now, this can be very important, especially at the beginning of a relationship when maybe they're meeting your friends for the first time or they don't know your friends so well, like trying to get to know each other. I think this can be very telling. When they meet your friends or are just hanging out with your friends later on, do they show interest or make effort with your friends? Are they asking, you know, their friends about your friends about themselves, trying to get to know them, show that they care, show that they understand this is a person that my partner cares about, so let me make an effort here. Are they acknowledging that they should probably be making a good impression? Do they care about the impression that they're making on your friends, knowing that your friends are important to you and have been in your life longer than them? Because they should. They should care about the impression that they make. They should want, they should want to make a good impression because they care about you. And this is a person that you care about. They should show interest and make effort and do the best that they can to get to know your friends because these are people that are in your life and they want to be in your life. So that is, I think, really important, especially at the beginning of a relationship. It can really be telling on how they handle themselves around your friends. And of course, some people have social anxiety around new people and takes some warming up too. Like I definitely have been in that scenario before, but it, if you continually don't see any effort, then I feel like that can be an issue. Maybe like the first time they're nervous and nerves get a hold of them, okay. But then what about the second time or the third time? How are they able to interact? How are they able to make that impression and try to be involved in your life with your friends? And some other, you know, things to take notice on, I think a two when they're around their friends, is do they become a different person when they're around your friends? I've seen this happen before. I felt like a certain person acted one way around their own friends, but then when I brought them around my friends, they were so different. And then it's like, oh, well, my friends don't actually understand how you are around me when we're alone around your friends because they see such a different person from you when you're around my friends. And like, why is that? Why is there a change or a shift? Why are you becoming a different person, a more unlikable person when you're around my friends? If I'm making effort, a ton of effort around your friends and we all have a great time, why is that not reciprocated back? Why is there not the same level of respect there? Because there should be, and on top of that, like when you're around your own friends, are they always on their phone? Again, kind of going off, not showing interest, not engaging, ignoring your friends. Are they not showing the same respect? I also feel like for me, it's important that at least like being a woman and being, you know, straight, heterosexual, interested in men, it can go either way. But just from my own personal experience, like I would want my person to I feel like I've said this before, not just respect me as a woman, but respect all women. So like if they're around my friends who are women, it I like that if they would also hold the door for them or care about them or care about you know their safety and all that, and show that respect for them as well. I think that says a lot, and that makes a really good impression on me. Show the same respect, and if they are disrespecting your friends, especially in front of you, they're probably gonna eventually disrespect you. So it's something to take notice of early on, because who knows what it will lead to. It won't lead to anything good, probably. And this kind of goes into a whole other topic that I think I want to touch on one day, but how important is it for your friends to like your partner? This is a whole thing, I feel like, because it's tough because they don't see all the time what the relationship is like behind closed doors, and people can have very different types. So, in one aspect, it it could just be a sense of okay, if they're treating my friend right and my friend's happy, that's all that matters. But at the same time, like friends can see things like these red flags that you may be blinded to seeing at first. So I think taking into account your friend's opinion as well can also be important, and it just it could be really difficult if your friends don't like your partner. If your friends are really important to you or they're close and involved in your life for a lot, it can just it can be really tough and straining, I feel like. But at the same time, I've seen both scenarios where maybe their friends don't love their partner, but you know, there's respect and understanding that they're just not their cup of tea, but they're making my friend and treating my friend well. Make my friend happy and treating my friend well, so it's okay. But then at the same time, when I've seen it where friends don't like their friend's partner, and it's for valid reasons and very good reasons, and probably reasons that their friend should run away. So I don't know, this is a whole other topic of conversation that I feel like is really interesting and a tricky one to navigate. But maybe, maybe if your friends are feeling a little off, maybe try and listen to them or see their perspective or have a conversation about it at least. And even if you're not ready to act on those feelings or those opinions yet, just think about them and take them into consideration. It could be very helpful in the long run. Okay, next one, kind of similar on the friends stance, is who their friends are and who they choose to surround themselves with. I feel like who people choose to surround themselves with can say a lot about themselves. Because if they have friends that, you know, are a certain way or have certain beliefs or act do some crazy things or are super disrespectful or mean or this or that, why would they want to be around that or why would they put up with that in someone else? I think a lot of the, yeah, a lot of the times, you know, it's just an easy thing to take note of is okay, what kind of people do they surround themselves with and why? It can say a lot about an individual person. So I feel like this is always just something I just it's not maybe a deal breaker, but it is, I think, a flag to take note of. And especially it could be, you know, very extremes, but if someone, let's say, had a friend who was, you know, extremely rude, disrespectful, this or that kind of person, and my partner was friends with them and like didn't think anything about it and still liked them as a friend, I guess I would definitely question why and why they put up with that and why they would want that in a friend. So it would definitely, definitely trigger some things for me. Oh, okay. Next one is a good one. Okay, the next one is how they speak about their exes. If all of their exes they say are crazy. Then what's the common denominator? Is every single one of them quote unquote crazy? Or is there a common denominator here? Is there a different issue? Are they always shit talking? All of their exes are every single one of them. They don't have anything good to say, or maybe talk about instead what they learned from the relationship. Because obviously, conversations about past relationships need to be had and you need to talk about what have you learned, how have you grown, how do you want to go into a relationship differently than your past or how you were treated and how you maybe don't want to be treated now? Yes. But if every single one of your exes is quote unquote crazy and insane, mm-hmm, why? How'd they what why were they acting that way? You know, I saw in the movies over the winter break the movie The Housemaid. What's it called? I saw the movie The Housemaid. Now, skip ahead a few minutes if you don't want any spoilers. Spoiler right now. But I was watching that movie and I kind of knew what the plot test was going to be. I'd never read the book or I didn't hear it. I wasn't spoilered to it. But just watching the movie, I had in my mind that usually there's a reason a woman is crazy. Usually a woman is not just crazy. Maybe sometimes, but typically there's a reason. Never just assume I never just assume a woman is crazy. I always think about what made them crazy. Because usually behind that is there's a man doing some crazy shit that makes them act crazy and have whatever issues or are they acting crazy for their own benefit. So I knew watching this movie, I was like, ah yeah, this is suspicious. There's gotta be reasons behind this, and it's probably that man right there. Probably most of the time. I try, yeah. So yeah, I feel like that's very common. So if all of your exes are crazy and you're the one common denominator, maybe you need to do a little self-reflecting, and maybe that's a little bit of a red flag. Now you don't need to praise your ex so much. You don't need to say you love them and want them in your life forever and you'll never stop loving them, of course not. But there should be some accountability, not just blame. I feel like there's always stuff to take and learn and grow from in a relationship. I mean, maybe there's like a standout one where they really were just horrible and it was all them, and that's okay. But every single relationship, maybe it's something to look at if they say every single one, the girl. Specifically, this happens a lot. I feel like men calling women crazy. But sometimes, you know, it could happen the other way around as well. So maybe it's just something to take note of and note maybe a red flag if every single one of your exes you are saying is crazy and this and that, you know? Yeah. Just remember, there's usually a reason behind a woman being crazy. They're usually not just crazy to be crazy. Keep that in mind.

unknown 25:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 25:10

Next one is not allowing for there to be open communication or a safe space to talk through any concerns or disagreements about the relationship or how the relationship is going. If you feel the need to bury things or you're afraid to talk to your partner, then this is definitely a major red flag that I think gets glossed over. Or I maybe I've glossed over in the past. I don't know. Maybe, maybe, maybe, who knows? Who's that? I don't know, maybe. But there should be, you shouldn't be worried about communicating with your partner. Again, communication, obviously, number one thing. So if there's any issues there about being afraid to have any kind of conversations with them, then that's probably not your person, and probably a flag that you should notice as early on as you can. There shouldn't be anxiety or fear around how your partner may react. As long as you're approaching, you know, whatever you want to talk about, or maybe your concerns or whatever it is with your partner in a respectful, calm, you know, appropriate manner, and in a way of just, you know, letting them know, hey, I want to check in and this is a concern of mine, I'd love to talk it through with you, then you shouldn't be afraid of that they're gonna blow up on you or how they react, or even if it's a little, not a serious conversation, you shouldn't have anxiety to have conversations with your partner. There shouldn't be that fear. There needs to be an open and safe space to talk through all that. Because then how are you gonna get through even the small things that come your way? You know, you shouldn't feel like you're walking on eggshells around them with any mistakes as well. This too. But you shouldn't, you shouldn't feel scared of how they may react over a small thing. You should be able to openly and safely communicate, talk to them, feel comfortable around them, to you know, sometimes conversations are hard, of course, and they may be tough and hard to bring up, but maybe the fear it's more revolved around the conversation, and yes, sometimes maybe how they'll react, but not in a way of you're unsafe or you are shamed for bringing up a topic, if that makes sense. So definitely think like I think it's definitely something to take note of when you're at the beginning of a relationship. Like, how what's your comfortability level? And do you feel safe communicating with them and being honest or doing little check-ins with them? The next one is if they weren't involved in something, let's say you went on a family vacation or you whatever, you went out with your friends, or you doing something on your own with your career, if it's something not involving your partner, and then they aren't interested at all or they don't want to know about it. This kind of is like, you know, the bird theory that went around on TikTok. It's kind of like that, in a in a bigger sense, I guess. Of course, the bird theory was kind of like a silly trend. And for those of you who don't know it, what it was, it's where the one person in the relationship, it usually was the girl, would at would go to their partner and be like, babe, I saw a bird today. And they would just say that, and then they would see how their partner react. Like if their partner was like, okay, whatever, like why are you talking to me? Or is the partner like, oh my god, like they showed interest? They're like, really? Like, what kind of bird? Where'd you see that? How exciting, or this or that, or they showed interest or asked questions or continued the conversation. It was just kind of like a silly trend to see um if your partner like cared about what you say or you know, wanted to know, was curious about you and your day, or this and that. It's kind of like that on a that's like much smaller sense, of course, and that was like a fun thing, but maybe this is a personal one for me because I feel like like I if I'm I am a type of person who I love coming home and just talking about my day from the small things to the big big things, like whoever is around me with ears, like I would just start yapping about whatever and anything I did to that day, and like just be so excited to share with others. Or if I go on a vacation or take a new class or I don't know, do a new sport, whatever it is, new hobby, whatever it is, I get so excited to share with the people around me. So if you don't show interest or don't want to hear about things that you're not involved in my life, then I don't know. For me, that's like maybe something to take note of, or maybe a flag. Like you should be excited or interested about hearing about what I'm excited about, just as I want to hear about whatever you want to talk about and share. Just cause and maybe the red flag part of it is if they maybe state or like, oh well, I wasn't there, so like I don't care to hear about that, or I wasn't there, I'm sad I wasn't there, so or involved, so I don't want to hear about how excited or what you love or this or that. Like, okay, that personally has brought me disappointment because even if you weren't there or involved in the moment, I'm trying to involve you now. And I want to involve you in all these parts of my life if even if you weren't there physically in the moment. I want to share with you, share my experiences as if you were there, share my excitement about whatever it is. So I just personally, I guess, would hope that you'd be interested and care to hear as well and try and be involved now, even if it wasn't presently. Okay, last one that I started thinking about about something that, you know, maybe not as obvious, red flag. Um, I talked about it kind of a little bit before with um if you were going out, you know, without your partner. But I think if another potential red flag that's not so obvious is if they want to be invited to everything. Kind of going off of they don't want you doing things on your own, going on girls' trips, going out with, you know, on brunches, whatever, whatever the activity may be. If they want to be involved and invited to every single thing. I think it's good sometimes to have your own girl time. You need girl time, or guys need their guy time to just be with your girls. And no matter how close you are with your partner, I feel like, you know, there's just a way with you and your besties that you talk and how you can act around each other when it's just you guys, when it's just the girls, or no matter like how comfortable or how safe, like you know, your friends may not want to talk about certain things to you if your partner's always there. They may need the alone time to want to chat about certain things or you know, try new things with you. They may not want your partner there as well. But I think both ways, like you need your own time, you need some separation too. And if they feel a type of way or get mad if they are not invited or involved to every little thing, especially early on, red flag. Red flag. Now, I think it's great when you can integrate your friend groups and they integrate so well, and then you all end up having big friend groups and everyone gets along and you love all spending time around each other, and that's great, and I love that, and that seems amazing. And even in those scenarios, again, I think it's good every once in a while at least to have time with just either yourself or your friends, like let let each other miss each other a little bit, at least a little bit of separation, because again, we are our separate individual people who have separate individual lives, and it's good sometimes, you know, to miss miss each other and have that feeling of missing each other. And it's good to have your own people, and you shouldn't have to be worried about if your partner will feel a type of way if you're going and just doing things with your friends without them or if they're not invited to a certain thing. And again, this doesn't have to be like often. I think it's great if the majority of the time you all get along, so you all do group things, but there are those type of people, you know, where maybe you have those friends where as soon as they get in a relationship, you never see them without their partner. And I know for me, like it can be frustrating for the friend because you're like, sometimes I just want to spend time with my bestie who I've known forever, but then they're always bringing their partner or their husband to every single thing. And so it's also good to take note of that again for like the respect of your friends or maybe have that conversation with your friends, like, hey, do you mind if my partner comes this time? Or maybe like, let's not have both of our partners come this time. Let's just do a girl's thing. I think it's important to have that time, and it's important for your partners to be comfortable with each of you doing that, like same vice versa. Like my partner going out and doing things with the guys. I don't need to be invited or want to be invited to every single thing, you know. It's important to have your own individual times with your people. Okay, so that I think is a good like list of things I've noticed. Of these aren't the stereotypical red flags that initially people know to look for, but are maybe smaller ones that build up over time. But like, why do you think it is that people ignore red flags? Maybe it's kind of an obvious question. Like, everyone wants to feel love, right? Everyone wants to be loved and cared for. I feel like that's a universal common feeling that everyone deserves and wants. And it's hard, it's hard to give that up. And it's easy, I think, to find some of these things as a minor instance or maybe a one-off instance that won't recur or cause future deeper issues. Especially when you're in the moment and you're feeling happy and excited about this relationship. I think it's impossible sometimes to take note of, oh, this could continue to cause issues down the line. And maybe this won't just be a one-time thing, or maybe you think that at first, and then it continues to happen again and again, and you kind of forget that, oh, maybe that was a red flag, you forget that that was a red flag in the first place, and it's like, oh, that's just who the person is. Yeah, it's so easy, I feel like, when you just everyone wants to be loved and cared for, it can be so easy to ignore these things, but that's just gonna hurt worse in the end and prolong things. And I feel like a lot of these things that I talked about today, if you're noticing, maybe that person is not in a place to be in a relationship. I think they may need to work on some things and maybe you can revisit the relationship in the future after, you know, working out any of these trust issues, jealousy, insecurities, all of the kind of overwhelming feelings we talked about in these red flags today. I think there's also a fear of starting over. I definitely started to think about this and know, like, if you are already in a relationship for let's say a longer period of time, this isn't a newer relationship, and you start to become clearer to these red flags. The thought of having to start over with someone after you put in so much time into one relationship is really intimidating. It's like, oh my gosh, I would have to start over with someone new who doesn't know all these stories and my life. I'm gonna have to go through that again with someone new. And like I already put all this time into this relationship. So would it just be wasted time if I now notice these red flags and take action and you know end the relationship because of it? That's very intimidating and a huge fear, and I totally get it. And I felt that and I still am like, oh my gosh, the next person that I meet or whatever becoming a relationship with, I'm gonna have to go through so much with them a whole 27 years now. And if we go into next year, maybe a whole 28 years, and that's intimidating and it seems like a lot and it's scary, but oh, but would you rather like stick in these consistencies of these things that we talked about? I don't think so. Like you have to weigh out what's worth it and your happiness and how you're feeling, and that's just not what you're gonna want in the long run. But that fear is strong, and I think that can definitely make people blinded to some of these. I think also a reason people ignore ignore these things is because they're hopeful that maybe the potential of the person that they have in their mind, the potential of this person that they've placed on, will become reality and they can shape them into this quote unquote potential they see in them. And so maybe these red flags come up and it's like, oh, but I know they have potential to be great. So let me hold on to the potential because I don't want to miss out on this potential. But potential isn't concrete and it isn't reality, it's a possibility in the future. So holding on to that potential in the hopes of it becoming the truth is just not the way to go about it. You need to look at what's in front of you for what it is, not what it could be, or what you could shape it to be, or turn it to be. I'm no babysitter or mother or teacher. Like, you gotta take the person for who they are, not who you think maybe one day they could be. Because you're not, you're in the moment right now, you're in the present moment with who they are right now, not who in your fantasy mind that they will be potentially one day. And then kind of going back to talking about the jealousy is not passion and all these things. I think sometimes in a new relationship, people can confuse an intensity feeling or emotion with a strong connection. Like an intensity feeling of jealousy, intensity feeling of butterflies or anxiety. And this may be like, oh, that means I care about the person so much and we have this strong connection, I don't want to lose them. I think there often can be, you know, sometimes this, sometimes this confusion or overlapping. I think this is more for newer relationships, um, of confusing those feelings of maybe anxiety or jealousy or passion or whatever it is, with oh, that must mean we have a really good connection, we're heated, we're we're intimate, we're spicy, we're this and that. When really probably some things to take note of, and maybe you're feeling a little unsafe in the space with how things are going and how they're acting. But yeah, I don't know, those are just some thoughts that of maybe why people ignore these. And look, we all have been there and we all have, but I just thought it'd be fun to talk about, you know, the not so obvious red flags because they're not all gonna be right there out in the open, and they're not all gonna be screaming at you. A lot of them, I think, build over time, and I think you know, sometimes red flags are not deal breakers in the exact moment, but they're like they're like data, and you collect data over time, and ignoring the data or the facts doesn't make them disappear or go away. I feel like it's just gonna make the fallout later on bigger, louder, and worse than if you take things for what they are in the moment and notice them and be like, oh, okay. That's not going anywhere. That is a sign in who they are, and maybe something you should note of and conversate about and be like, okay, I don't want to be involved in that whatsoever. Because usually later on it just builds and builds and builds. Or maybe you think that you've buried it and you don't want to talk about it, but then later on, at least if you're a girl, girls like to overthink, at least I do, it's gonna pop back in your head and it's gonna then be in your head again later on, and now you're years in or months in that or whatever, much longer into it, and you're like, dang, all that time and this thing that I maybe saw a glimpse of in the beginning is still there and hasn't gone away. Don't be a Lucy to Steven to Marco. Tell me lies. I feel like if you're watching season three, all of these probably apply to her and to him. So don't be her, don't be it, don't be that girl. Learn from her and avoid. So yeah, I'm really curious to hear from you guys on if you've ever experienced any of these, if you've ever thought about maybe these not as obvious or talked about ones, if these have come up for you, or what ones do you have? I want to know the more knowledge, the better, the more things to think about, the better. So please share with me maybe some red flags that you've come across that at first you might not have noticed or taken it in or processed or you've seen from other friends, and it's not as obvious, but it builds over time and continues to be an issue and is maybe something to look forward to because yeah, let me know. I want to hear, I want to hear yours. I want to hear what you thought about mine. If you ever experienced any of these, if you're experiencing them now, blank twice. Um, but please, please, please, I want to hear from you. So yeah, follow, subscribe, like, comment, DM, email, whatever. There's so many options, and I can't wait for next week's episode. You know, it may potentially be another guest episode, and I can't wait for more guest episodes, more conversations like these. I hope you're having fun. I am, and I love you guys, and I'll see you next week.