The Present Moment Project

Ep. 13 - Two Liver Transplants a Kidney Transplant List and Still Showing Up

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Liver transplant survivor and ICU nurse Melissa met host Jill Bershad at a spa just six days before this conversation. The connection was immediate, and the conversation that followed feels just as natural.

Melissa’s life has asked a lot of her from a young age. After losing her father at eight, she stepped into a caregiving role for her mother and younger brother by nine. Since then, her path has been shaped by responsibility, resilience, and a series of life-altering health challenges that would stop most people in their tracks.

What runs underneath all of it is not performance or positivity. It is something quieter. Melissa talks about her Christian faith the way she talks about everything else, plainly and without pressure. She references the book of Job not as a metaphor but as a framework she actually lives by. She also talks about what she has never done well, grieving, slowing down, letting people see the fragile parts, and she says it without apology.

Jill does not turn this into a session. She just listens, asks the questions most people would be afraid to ask, and lets Melissa be exactly who she is. The result is a conversation about survival that does not feel like a survival story. It feels like two people talking honestly about what it costs to keep going, and why most of us do anyway.

Contact Jill K. Bershad, LMHC, CAP



SPEAKER_01

Hi friends, I am Jill Burshad, and this is the Present Moment Project. Come with me on a journey of healing, transformation, and curiosity. I'm a licensed mental health counselor, a Reiki master, hypnotherapist, a sound healer, and an EMDR trauma therapist who also is a widow. I have learned how to move through life with grace in the aftermath of tragedy. I have learned how to use these modalities through my own healing journey. I hope you're listening, and I know this podcast will help you on your healing journey as well. It's not always easy, though you too can laugh again. I look forward to having you along this wild ride with me. So here we go. Let's get started. Hello, friends! I am here today, Jill Bershad with the Present Moment Project, and I'm here with a new friend. Her name is Melissa. Hello. And this is the craziest story. And I have to share how we met. Absolutely. I mean, it's crazy. I literally barely know Melissa's last name. But we I took my friend Lisa to the spa last week. It was a belated birthday. And we met Melissa. And wait, let me see if I can remember your friend's name. Oh, she was so beautiful. And it was her birthday. What was her name? Ashley. Ashley, that's right. And we start talking in the locker room at the spa. Randomly. Random. Because let's give you a plug, you're gonna have to say what your tick no TikTok name is.

SPEAKER_00

Okay, so Ashley was wearing a beautiful uh bathing suit setup that she bought off my TikTok shop at just Jupiter1925. Did y'all get that?

SPEAKER_01

It was beautiful. And I said, Oh my gosh, where did you get that? I mean, she was like marketing. She was like a walking advertisement. I was doing a video for my TikTok.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, oh, I didn't realize. It's because she got it to go to Vegas, where she is also going to celebrate again her birthday.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, that's beautiful. I hope it's a big birthday for her. Or not. It can be a big thing. Every birthday is a big birthday, right? It is. Every year to be alive. You would know that. And you would totally know that. And that's why you're here today, but we're going to get to that in just a few minutes. So I said, where did you get that beautiful? It was like this whole ensemble with a bathing suit, but it had like sleeves and then like this skirt. And you could wear it literally out to dinner. Yes. I wasn't sure what it was. And then I said, Where did you get that? That's so beautiful because I'm going to be going on a cruise to Greece. I'm so excited. I have never vagulation. It has been on my bucket list. Thank you. I have my youngest daughter's graduating c uh high school and going to college. So I have three kids. I mean, you don't know anything about me. I don't know anything about me. You know nothing about me. So I have three kids, and I thought a cruise would be the best because, you know, in case somebody needs space from the other, and you can't do it.

SPEAKER_00

There's so much to do on cruises.

SPEAKER_01

Right. So we're going to do that. And I was like, oh, that would be perfect for a Greek, you know, a Greek cruise. And we just got talking. And I just, your energy, I loved your energy. I knew that you were like a real person, if you know what I mean. Yep. Like a real person and your friend. And you know, you can count on me to really talk to anybody anywhere. I I knew that right away when I met you.

SPEAKER_00

Very outgoing and friendly. But would you believe that I'm actually a true introvert? You know what? I would because I'm friends with introverts that you would never know they were because they're so personable with people. They needed an enormous amount of time to themselves to unwind and regroup. That's me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I love people for sure. And like I'll need a nap after this. You know, I can be the I can be so social, but oh my god, talk about like a baby shower or bridal shower. After that, I I need to just go home and not talk to anybody. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I think most people can relate to that. I really appreciate quiet. A lot of quiet for sure. Um, so where were we? So anyway, we we met and and then we saw each other again at the pool. And I mentioned I was going through something and you said I have to have you on my pocket. This is funny, actually. I forgot this. Okay. We talked for like a minute out by that pool, and you said something, and I said, I don't know you at all, but I know you have a story. Yeah, and you said I know there's a lot to know about you. And I know there's a lot to know about you. That was it. Yeah. And you said, Well, I've had two liver transplants. I said, Do you want to be on my podcast? That, my friends, was on Saturday. Saturday. It's been six days since I met you. And you just drove here from Jupiter. You don't know me at all. And I don't know you at all. Like, you could have not shown up. Right. But I just, and then Janine would have been like, oh my God, we booked the set, and there's nobody even here. And then I would have had to do a podcast by myself. Well, no, because she has like a broken arm over there. No. And she we need somebody to run the cameras. But anyway, um, so that's how it happened.

unknown

Isn't it?

SPEAKER_01

Is it crazy? And so I've never wanted to do TikTok. I never wanted to go down that rabbit hole.

SPEAKER_00

And I said, you absolutely have to do TikTok. I did not want to do it either. And now I'm obsessed with it.

SPEAKER_01

And I really don't want to do TikTok.

SPEAKER_00

I understand. I really don't. However, how many followers did you say you have? I got up to 10, over 10, like 10,300 followers right now. And pretty quickly.

SPEAKER_01

So I started to talk with you about I don't want to go on a TikTok. I don't want TikTok. I don't want any of that. I don't want to be any part of it. And you said it would be so good for your business. Yeah. Didn't you say you could just put the you could put on TikTok, you can set it up, and it will record your whole thing.

SPEAKER_00

So TikTok does lives and they're really popular. So do other platforms as well, like Epic Studios, and I think there's even another one that just started where literally you just start talking to the camera and you can have one person in the room, you can have a thousand people in the room. Right.

SPEAKER_01

So I haven't, I haven't uh taken that step yet, but I think uh I wanted to talk to you more about it. So I want to get to know everything because I literally I remember saying to you, I know there's a lot, a lot to you. You have a story. Yes. You have a story, and I know and so I want to hear it. Okay. Yeah. And what I really want to hear, what I always want to hear is you went through some terrible times. Continue, you know, to deal with some pretty heavy things, most of which I don't even know, by the way. I only know a little bit and it's a lot.

SPEAKER_00

And it was just like two minutes before we started this. We did a real quick For 30 seconds. 30 seconds.

SPEAKER_01

30 seconds. Yeah. So and so what's important to me though is what keeps you moving in a positive direction. That's what I want to know. That's I mean, I want to know your whole story. Right. And I'm gonna ask you questions. And I I want to know what keeps you moving forward.

SPEAKER_00

Well, if I had to just pick one, you know, one word that keeps me moving forward would definitely be my faith. Definitely. Um and I would think that's where my hope, my strength comes from in general. Um, we all go through hard things in life. I don't think anybody has well, there maybe are some people out there that have an easy life. Maybe. But I think everybody has some kind of story to tell.

SPEAKER_01

I think it's on a spectrum.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. For sure. I would say that my life has had some a lot of hardship come along, but somehow, and I do believe it's my faith, has just kept me uh gliding through it with some hope and still some joy in my life. I I genuinely love people and try to look at the positive. I have my dark moments, I have my fear, I have anxiety. I mean, who doesn't? Um, but in the big picture, I know where I'm headed at the end of my life. So that is where I stay calm and joyful. That's beautiful.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Thank you. Do you believe that the universe is always showing up for you? I don't believe in the universe. I'm or something bigger. Yeah. But whatever. Yeah, I believe.

SPEAKER_00

Whatever you want to call it. Yeah, I believe in God. Okay. You know, Jesus. I believe in, you know, traditional Christian faith, which has got me where I am right now.

SPEAKER_01

I shouldn't use the word universe because it we're talking about the same thing, but it's very different. Yeah. Right? We just call it something different. But okay, do you believe that God is right there guiding you and that you're listening so that you can go down the best path for you as guided by God? Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00

Yes, it does. I my my belief and my faith is an actual personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Like an actual relationship with him where I spend time getting to know who he is by reading what he said. And I spend time listening to him, I spend time listening to music and singing praise songs to him, and that's where I think the foundation is for my life of joy and peace amongst the turbulence that comes.

unknown

Wow.

SPEAKER_00

And you know, and the Bible says, we're not promised. You know, everyone says, Oh, God won't give you more you that more than you can handle. Actually, it doesn't say that anywhere. It actually says, um, life is gonna be pretty hard. It says, pick up your cross and follow him, and that the world's gonna hate you because they hated him first. So, you know, that's really uh what I believe. And I just I don't go around screaming about my faith only because you asked me, but it is I would say a defining factor in my life.

SPEAKER_01

But do you feel like you're hearing what he's saying to you, like keep going or go get that transplant? Or I can just speak for myself. I feel like since on I mean, I've always been pretty connected, but not like I am now. Um in the last you know, my God, I have to stop say th saying three and a half years because now we're really almost closer to four years since we lost my husband. And I feel like I and I call it the universe. Whatever, I mean, whatever we call it. It's just I feel like I it is really guiding me and providing me opportunities so that my soul can elevate and evolve, you know. But a lot of people I I mean uh that happens for everybody, but a lot of people aren't listening.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, you have to be able to listen. Right. I think and it's not always easy. No, it's not easy. Distractions and uh things around you can definitely keep you from hearing. So quiet time, and for me, you know, praise songs and the Bible helps me to hear what he has to say. It's not audible. Some people say they hear audible. For me, it's more of an internal dialogue. People say they hear audible. Sure, there's a lot of all kinds of people out there that hear audible. And Janine's over there shaking her head. Wow.

SPEAKER_01

I think he meets us where we're at. Right. Right. So interesting. So I love that. So we jumped ahead a little bit. We did. We really jumped ahead. So give me a give me some background. Okay. But you sh you just shared a little bit with me. So you mentioned that you and your brothers were both orphans at a very young age. You've been divorced, you had two liver transplants, and okay, I will let you tell the story.

SPEAKER_00

So um, yeah, typical Gen X girl. I'm from Miami, actually.

SPEAKER_01

As am I. Wait, wait, where did you grow up?

SPEAKER_00

Kendall.

SPEAKER_01

Me too! No way. Where did you grow up?

SPEAKER_00

Uh actually Kendall Lakes.

SPEAKER_01

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00

Did you go to Don Carter's? I left in 1983. I went to Kendall Lakes Elementary School. Oh my god, with how and you're 52, yes, right? Well, I will be, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

We probably know some of the same people.

SPEAKER_00

We might, because we're similar in age and obviously location. But my mother and her mother were born in Miami. As were mine. Amazing. I mean, we really have these Florida roots. I love Florida.

SPEAKER_01

Me too. I grew up in Miami. I grew up in Kendall. I grew up by Baptist Hospital. I was born at Baptist. Me too. I used to go there. I've been talking about this a lot lately. It's such a great memory. I used to go to the lake on North Kendall Drive and feed the ducks and have my little like Pan Am purse. I was probably like three or four.

SPEAKER_00

My grandfather worked for Pan Am.

SPEAKER_01

Really? Yes. That's so you probably have the purse too.

SPEAKER_00

I don't, but I have some other Pan Am stuff.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, wait, do you have the wings?

SPEAKER_00

I might have the wings. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01

So wait, where did you move after Kendall?

SPEAKER_00

We moved to Ocala.

SPEAKER_01

Oh.

SPEAKER_00

And that was uh for me a big culture shock at the age of 12, going from a city with a lot of diversity to really a one-horse town. With I was like the Hispanic girl in town, and you can see I'm yeah, I don't even speak Spanish, unfortunately. It's different in Ocala now. It's grown a lot. I love Ocala. I was there recently. At the time it was really small. We actually moved to Dunellin for a year while while our house was built. A little smaller. They had one stoplight at the time. My grandparents had moved there. And then I have family in Gainesville and Lakeland, so everyone has really navigated out of Miami.

SPEAKER_01

You don't have anybody left in Miami?

SPEAKER_00

I have my dad's younger brother still lives on Miami Beach.

SPEAKER_01

I have so my mom went grew up on the beach. My dad grew up, he went to Miami High. You know, his older sister, who probably my family's gonna laugh if they hear this. She could have been like a hundred by now. She passed away many years ago. But she, I mean, they were all born in Miami. Yeah. My grandmother said it in Miami. My dad too! I've mentioned that. Janine, I've said that on this podcast. Yeah. Haven't I?

SPEAKER_00

He always Many times I say, I'm from Miami, and people are like, What?

SPEAKER_01

Yep. And my father is still very close with like the people he grew up with on the street, like when he was one, two, three, four years old. So we do sometimes still go to Miami a little bit. I have a cousin there. Not too much. No, it's the traffic is nuts. But there's there's things I miss about Miami. I mean, there's still some really great restaurants. Coconut Grove is amazing. Beautiful. I just don't get there. Being closer to the Keys. I love the colour.

SPEAKER_00

My nephew drives to the Keys almost weekly from Jupiter because he loves it so much. I know I love the Keys. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I grew up a lot too on the Keys. My family had not my I mean my not my immediate family. My aunt and my uncle had a house in the Keys.

SPEAKER_00

And we would all go, all the cousins. Wow. My grandmother's father owned a key and lost it to the taxes after the depression. What key? I don't know. You don't even know what's in the key. It's a government-owned key now. It's just a small key with nothing on it.

SPEAKER_01

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

So tell me about like a small, one of those little islands down there. You know there's some random ones.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember when they put the pink islands in the water? Well, you had moved. You had moved already.

SPEAKER_00

It vaguely sounds familiar, but I can't picture.

SPEAKER_01

It was on the way to Miami Beach off the Causeway. There were like pink islands. I kind of remember that. It was very interesting. But anyway.

SPEAKER_00

So And then my dad immigrated from Miami. He was a very interesting guy. He died very young. He died at 32. He had a heart condition he was born with, and left my mom widowed at 32. And uh my brother was six. I was eight and a half. So there's your typical Gen X kid, right? We were instant latchkey kids. And um walked, I don't know, it was pretty far to get to elementary school. We either got a ride in the morning, but we walked home every afternoon. I remember having a lot of anxiety as a kid. So I'd get up really early because my mom was a nurse, like I'm a nurse, and she started giving me jobs. So she'd say, Well, iron my clothes for me before I go to work. Uh go ahead and go cook some breakfast for you and your brother. Do this load of laundry. So here I was, nine years old.

SPEAKER_01

Prentified.

SPEAKER_00

Very parentified.

SPEAKER_01

We were so parentified. So when you just said to me before we started to record that you and your younger brother were orphans at a very young age, I'm so curious, and I know you're gonna get to this part of the story, but do you mean that like just there were no parents around? So or did you actually have to like go to foster care? No, no, gosh, no. Thank God.

SPEAKER_00

Okay. Um, I guess I I consider when I lost my mom still very young. Um fast forward a lot.

SPEAKER_01

So I understand why you would say that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Fast forward, we moved to Ocala, and my mom was diagnosed. Now I'm 16 and my brother was 13. She was diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer. Oh my god. And this all kind of ties into why I had a liver transplant. It's crazy. So um I was even more parentified. Then she had started a business I took over. I worked went to high school part-time and worked for credits. So I had my job, high school, our family business until we sold it, running her to doctor's appointments, chemotherapies, my brother to sports. I did everything. And she was um a very faithful Christian woman, and she prayed to live till her children were grown. She died right after my brother turned 18 and graduated high school. And I was 21. So I still feel like you need your parents then. Maybe I wasn't, you know, eight years old when I lost both of them. Of course. It was of course felt like a huge loss.

SPEAKER_01

Absolutely. That must have been so difficult.

SPEAKER_00

It was, it was, and you know, be I don't know if it's the Gen X thing or if it's my personality. I never really took the time to grieve in a healthy way. I think my grieving was a little self-destructive. That makes sense. Of course. I did the same thing after my divorce. I got a little self-destructive, and I think we were just a wing and a prayer in this world. We were just trying to figure it out.

SPEAKER_01

Can I ask, did you have people, you know, aunts, uncles, cousins, family, friends, godparents that were like, don't worry, we're gonna make sure you guys are okay.

SPEAKER_00

We had all of those things. I have godparents that are wonderful. Um, I had an uncle who's since passed, and an aunt who's still alive. I call her every Monday. We have our Monday morning calls.

SPEAKER_01

That's beautiful.

SPEAKER_00

I don't think we were easy kids to reach out to because we were like, everything's fine. You know, we really didn't show you. How did he pay the bills? Um, well, every my mom had everything paid off. My father, at 32 years old, was such a good provider. He was such a hustler. Um, they both worked at American Hospital at the time. He was a top administrator. When he died, he had two houses, a few cars, a camper, money put away for my mom. Okay. He did well and very young. I mean, 32 is still a baby, really. Yes. And my mom was a good steward of her money, so we had some money.

SPEAKER_01

That's actually um pretty impressive at 32 years old. Wow. Yes. And and there's some okay, well, we won't go there. But I'm just thinking of, you know, some of my clients and some people I work with. I mean, there's a lot of 32-year-olds still living in their childhood home. Yeah. And no judgment. It's just I don't think it's healthy. I think kids need to I think it's a different time now. Yeah. It is well well, no, that is true. In terms of, I mean, I don't think kids can even afford to live on their own anymore. The ability to get ahead is really difficult. It is. And it is a it is a different time, but that's not really the what what I was thinking about. I was thinking about the kids who just want to sit home and smoke pot.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, well, yeah. And it's a little bit of a Peter Pan generation right now. They don't want to grow up. My nephew, who's 23 and lives with me, he's about to be 24, he said, I I look at you and my dad, and I don't want to live like you guys have lived, where you're working all the time. That's my son. He's 23.

SPEAKER_01

And he he's uh, you know, it's very interesting that uh, you know, uh he went to a really good university and he studied business and he uh is only this is his first year out of college and he has a fantastic job in New York City. Good for him. And uh in the midst of all that, uh my husband passed away and now he looks at things differently. I mean, my son always wanted to make a lot of money. He definitely enjoys the finer things in life. And uh but now he's like, I that's just uh clearly look at dad. Yeah, but look where it got him. That's what he says, right? He wants to he wants to he does. It's not that he doesn't want to work, he's very driven, but he also wants balance, you know? To enjoy life. Right, right.

SPEAKER_00

My nephew's always trying to encourage me to enjoy life. Well, it is very important. I think it is very, very important. I will say a little side note uh to bring up the TikTok thing. I I got into this little group of in TikTok called uh the A Town Baddies. I know it sounds silly, but I love that. That's hilarious. There's about 20 of us in the group. Uh woman on TikTok started it, she goes live, and we all met in there and we all talk privately all the time. I'm the oldest one in the group. They're all young, they're all millennials and uh Gen X or Gen Z. Right, right. But you know what? I'm gleaning from them a lot. A lot on accepting myself more, body image, um enjoying life more, not working so much. And in ways, you know, we can make fun of them because they're they don't have the grit that we have. But maybe they do in a different way of what's more important in life. So I'm really trying to embrace these other generations instead of criticize them.

SPEAKER_01

That's one of my that's one of my favorite words, grit.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I love that word. But I have I have to clarify, I don't mean I don't mean what you just said. I mean I I know what you just said, but I mean in terms of I'm talking about like failure to launch. That's do you know that term? The failure to launch, where the the parents sometimes don't want them to leave home. So they enable the kid to just live at home, not work so hard, smoke pot and play video games all day. That's what I'm talking about. And I and and I have to say, I mental health. Health. As I'm saying you're talking about it, I mean people are just lost. Yeah. And at every age. At every age. So I'm seeing a lot more of that now. And I and I do understand why that's happening. So like escapism. It's like a scary world out there. It's like a safe little spot, you know, in their family's home, you know.

SPEAKER_00

Not to deal with what's going on out there.

SPEAKER_01

And and not have the responsibility. The responsibility. Not have the responsibility. Right? Which is a big piece. That really hit you.

SPEAKER_00

Why? Yeah, it does. Because I really see myself as like extremely responsible. Me too.

SPEAKER_01

It's funny. I just thought I was in a therapy session for a quick second because you, when I said that, you closed your eyes for a moment. I could tell you were processing, and that is exactly what I would say with the client. What what what just happened there?

SPEAKER_00

Well, it's funny. When I was being worked up for the transplant, I had to meet with a social work and she asked me to describe myself in one word, and I said responsible. Responsible.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I always had to be responsible. But I have to tell you, I always had to be responsible in my my family of origin. It was more of a maybe a um uh an adaptive behavior, um uh like a coping mechanism. Like I just became very responsi I became the responsible one. Like I was I think that's where I was trying to get my like worth. Do you know what I'm saying? And then, you know, and then I got married and I have three kids and I had to be responsible and my husband passed away and I've had to be very, very responsible. Step up and do everything. Very responsible. But I have to tell you that as my daughter is getting ready to go off to college and I'm gonna be an empty nester, I don't really want to be all that responsible anymore. Okay. Yeah. I haven't had that yet. I mean, I know that I will still be responsible, but like I don't want to be excessively like I just want to be in the moment. I just want to enjoy my life. Not everything has to be checked off, like at all times.

SPEAKER_00

And yeah. So anyway. I felt a little bit like that coming down here. I'm like, whoa, this was not on my schedule. I didn't look into this, I'm just gonna go for it. It felt uh very, uh, what's the word? When you do something without preparing for it. Like impulsive. Impulsive, yeah. Spontaneous and impulsive.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Yeah. It felt good. But I trusted, I trusted the pro I I trusted myself that I would I just what I saw in you, I knew you were gonna be here. I didn't worry about it even for a second. Uh which I'm glad I didn't, because if I had thought about that, I would have been like, Yeah, I better work on a backup plan. Is she really coming? You know what I mean? But I just knew you were coming. And then you like you've been a good communicator. We've been you've communicated back and forth. You let me know like what time you left Jupiter and everything. So, and I had just gotten here a couple minutes before you. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, anywho, so let's go back. So you're in O'Cala, you're your mother your mother passes away.

SPEAKER_00

You're 21 and 2 and 18. Yeah. So while she has the cancer, I go on birth control pills, and this is part of the journey to the transplant. And I went on the birth control pills at the time, I had really horrific periods, which is why I went on them initially. But as the years ticked by, I would start asking, should I still be on birth control? Now I'm 25, now I'm 28, now I'm 30, never had kids, went through my divorce. Every um practitioner would say, it reduces your risk of ovarian cancer. Just stay on it, keeps your periods nice. I wasn't trying to have children, I wasn't trying not to have children, but I wasn't like, I need to have a baby. Right. So I stayed on it. Um, then I was a night nurse and I had a big belly and I was tired all the time. I had no idea how sick I was. I hurt my back on a patient, and when I went to have my back scanned, it was an incidental finding finding, and I was discharged from the hospital that I worked at where I knew all the doctors and all the staff and with metastatic cancer. They thought I had Mets. That was my diagnosis. I had a liver full of tumors, and so I went home, read my remote. Oh my god, you hurt your back. Thank God I hurt my back. So I went home. I'm 39 now.

SPEAKER_01

We need to pause there for one second because a lot of people, right? There's lots of people in the world, and a lot of people would handle um hurting their back like that differently, right? Like we would all react differently. And a lot of people, I'm assuming, would be pretty pissed off at themselves or be complaining their back hurts or whatever, right? And you're grateful.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I'm grateful. Yeah, I didn't go get my back scanned right away. I was super stubborn. I actually laid on the floor of my house for eight hours before I called 911 because I thought I could actually get up. I was always a very strong young woman, not just personality, but physically. And so I kept trying to, I couldn't get up. I really hurt my back. I ended up having back surgery. So nobody would look me in the eye. And one of the girls I worked with printed the report out for me and drove me home. So I'm in bed now. Just to rewind a little bit, my dad died at 32. My brother had had a horrific accident at 32, where we thought he was gonna die. And his son was six. So I almost lost my brother a few years before he uh if he was here, I wish he could tell you the stories better out than me. But he hit his head in a motorcycle accident. He had like 13 different brain bleeds. It was bad. He survived it. You would never know it. He's so kind, handsome, very successful in his work. And I prayed and prayed and prayed when that happened, just begging God to spare him, and he did. And Turner was able to grow up with a father. So now, fast forward, now I'm 39. My mom was diagnosed at 40, and I'm almost 40. It's like getting close to 40. And I called my brother. We're both in the medical field, and I read him the report. I said, I'm gonna die just like mom. Oh my goodness. And we had a cry. I mean, my brother's not a crier. I can cry. We had like a cry. It wasn't like a boo-hoo, but you know, like you were what we were welled up. It was like, this is it. After we had his this is it moment a few years before, and he made it. Okay, so it took a few weeks, and it was actually something called hepatic adenomatosis, which is caused by birth control pills. What's the incidence? I don't know. Very low. I had a l, I had a liver lottery. It's very low. I I'm in a group on Facebook of people who have what I had, and it's a small group worldwide. And most people have one adenoma or two. I had over 30 or 35. It was a lot. I had no healthy liver. Yeah, it was really bad. So that was a little bit of a journey. I went through my uh back surgery and got on the transplant list. And they did call me for the transplant.

SPEAKER_01

You had to have back surgery too.

SPEAKER_00

Like it was a real It was a real back injury. Okay. It's just a dissectomy. I had perniated a disc really bad. It was a simple surgery. Now at this point, you know, I'd had a lot of surgeries as a kid. Actually, I was a sick kid. I guess I I my first time I was sick, I was like five weeks old or 15 weeks, really young. I got my baby book out a few years ago. I was a sick child my whole life. I had five sinus surgeries. I was in the hospital a lot. I had pneumonia. I just had really bad sinus and lungs curved.

SPEAKER_01

Did you get Baptist Hospital?

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

I was at Baptist Hospital for pneumonia.

SPEAKER_00

Did they put you in the tent? I did not get put in the tent, but I did walk around the lake, and one of the kids there, a duck pulled their IV out and it traumatized me. No. Because they were so used to being fed bread. They and they had it wrapped. They the duck jumped and ripped it right out of them. Oh wow. So but I do fondly remember the ducks and being afraid of them. Yes, yes, yes. So um, you know, two years go by, I get called for the transplant. Uh oh, I go through the back surgery, get called for the transplant.

SPEAKER_01

What did you do for two years? You had tumors.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I never work, missed any work through all of this. But what did you do about the tumors? Weren't they like growing? Weren't you getting sick? Well, actually, it's that was the weird thing about this type of liver disease. And the liver transplant doctor said to me most people, when their liver is sick, they're very jaundice and they're very sick. Of course. I was sort of a well sick. I was tired and I my skin itched. Those were my only real symptoms. So you were on no treatment. I was on no treatment. That's really interesting to me. Yeah, it's the type of disease that it was. And not a lot of people have liver transplants that don't seem that sick. I worked all the way up until they called me. And I went right back to work pretty much afterwards.

SPEAKER_01

I don't I just I've known you now for two like I believe that about you. Yeah. Do you do you um do you feel like you are more of an intellect or emotion emotional person? I think emotional, probably. Really?

SPEAKER_00

I think people would say emotional, but maybe not.

SPEAKER_01

I don't know. That's not what I would say so far. I mean, again, I don't know you that well, but you're talking about all of this very, very and I know you've been dealing with this for a long time. It's so matter of fact.

SPEAKER_00

I was like that with my parents dying too.

SPEAKER_01

And and that's a protection. It is. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And I thought about that on my way down here. I'm like, I know I talk about it like it's not me. And I my weak moments where I'm really sad or nervous or scared, I only really show that to certain people, truthfully. Yeah. You know, a couple close girlfriends, my boyfriend, my brother, they see, and my nephew, they see the fragile side. But it's like, you know, are you?

SPEAKER_01

You just seem like a very also just a strong person. I clearly you are, you've dealt with so much.

SPEAKER_00

So you get the transplant. Get the transplant. They will they called me for the transplant on a Sunday, and I said, Oh, I don't want this one. And and I said, Let me talk to the doctor. So the doctor, they called the doctor, they never called the doctor, they called the doctor, but I'm a nurse. And he gets on the phone with me, and I said, I don't want this one. You told me I could refuse the first one if I wanted to. I could get the next one. You know, I don't have to take the first one. He said, Well, Melissa, this is a very young liver. It's a good liver. I really think you should take it. I just had a bad feeling about it, but I did it. My brother had a bad feeling about it, my boyfriend had a bad feeling about it, but I still did it. Um, went down there. They took me in at like 11 o'clock at night. I later found out it was a 26-year-old gunshot victim. I don't know anything else about the donor. So the donor was probably brain dead, and the family probably decided to donate the organs. Very grateful for that. Right. I'm I'm very grateful for it. Um, so, anyways, I go in for the transplant. They told me I'd probably be home in a week and maybe be out of work a month or two, and I'd be able to go back to work. Okay, great. Twelve days later, they're taking me off of a vent. I mean, it was really traumatic. So, what happened was they did the transplant, they videoed it for my brother. He came, he was there, my boyfriend came. He was at school at the University of Iowa at the time on a biomed engineering degree. He dropped his program, flew down, and um, they videoed the actual liver in my bro body, showed it to my brother, looks great, she's doing wonderful, stitched me up back in my ICU room, and then my lab started getting worse. Something wasn't right. Well, apparently the liver wasn't filtering, and I went very close to death very fast. And I needed another liver transplant. And then I needed another liver. Well, liver matches aren't things that happen like that. It takes time. Right. So my poor brother is watching. He said at one point there must have been 30 people in your room. They estimated you're about two hours away from dying. Is he is he local? Oh, of course he's local. He's visiting right now. He travels for work.

SPEAKER_01

I was gonna, I mean, he sounds like such a lovely man. He would do it if there were no cameras. I was gonna say, is he single? He is. He actually is. I am not ready.

SPEAKER_00

He's so wonderful.

SPEAKER_01

Okay. Like, even just the idea of dating. We'll see about that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

He went through a hard divorce. So anyway.

SPEAKER_01

He just sounds wonderful.

SPEAKER_00

He's wonderful. I will never say. I'd feel honored to stand outside in the trash at my brother's house.

SPEAKER_01

Oh.

SPEAKER_00

You know, that's how much I respect him. I love him so much. He's gonna be like, I can't believe you said that.

SPEAKER_01

You two really had to be a team.

SPEAKER_00

We're very close, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

You had to work as a team.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So here he is, he tells me later, I'm sitting in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth. He's like, I thought a mom, I'm the same age as my mom, pretty much. I was about 42. She died at 46. And um, he's like, I thought I was gonna lose you. You had were on all the pressers and fluids trying to keep your pressure up. I was really sick. They get another liver. This is crazy. It's statistically, you couldn't even calculate this. It was another 26-year-old gunshot victim. Insane. It was insane. Do you think that's true? Yes, I do. Because I later talked to the nurse. And I unless they lied to me. I I mean, I don't know why they would, but she that just seems so bizarre. Yeah, she gave me some like little inside stuff way later, months later. Right, right. Um, because even she actually said she punched the wall, the nurse. She was very, they were very attached to me because I was also a nurse. I was young. A lot of people that have these transplants, you know, unfortunately drugs or alcohol cause it. And so they had me listed as a non-ETOH liver transplant. So I think they were like, wow, you know, she's an ICU nurse, you know, her parents are gone. You know, it's kind of like a sad story on the outside looking.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

They felt connected to you. Yeah, they felt connected to me. And they felt like they needed to probably mommy you a little bit. Maybe a little bit.

SPEAKER_00

She did a lot to help me. This particular nurse, she won all kinds of awards after because I wrote some letters about her.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, wow. Good.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, like it the the transplant process was so brutal. I had a near-death experience. That's like a whole thing. I'll I'll go into it a little bit, but I won't go into a lot of it. But I did have a near-death experience during this. And coming out the other end, I mean, I had no hair in spots. I had to take all my hair off. And the recovery was so brutal and traumatizing remembering everything I went through because, you know, they open and close you for the first liver, then they open me because they want to see what's going on, then they close me back up, then they open me again and left me open while they waited for the other liver, got the other liver, closed me back up. So my brother tells me it was four times. I was open and closed, and it happened.

SPEAKER_01

How long did you have to stay open till the last liver came? I don't know.

SPEAKER_00

This all happened in a matter of like maybe a 24 40 hour period. So in and out of the house.

SPEAKER_01

How did they get a liver so quickly?

SPEAKER_00

I don't know. All this stuff, I've never actually gone back and asked a lot of questions. I was, it took years to really physically and mentally recover through it all. And I went back to work after four months, right back to the hospital. I'm crazy. And and I didn't even just go back to work in the hospital. I was at at the time, gave me a desk job. So I had this really fantastic, easy job. Two years after my liver transplant, I went and took a really hard job at a different hospital as the nursing supervisor. So I run an acute cardiac hospital at night. And I started that that's where you are now, right? That's where I'm at now.

SPEAKER_01

And where are you?

SPEAKER_00

Um can you say it? I don't want to say it. Okay, I just whether or not. No, that's fine. Yeah. So I um I went there in September, kind of soon after my transplant. Two years is soon. You're immunosuppressed, you're taking meds every day, you're at risk, and COVID hits. Oh my god. I can't even make this up. So I just felt very fragile and like, but also very strong. I've said when I'm on my deathbed and I look back over my life, I think my favorite part of my life out of all the jobs I've had, because I've had four careers, is gonna be the time I was a COVID nurse or a COVID nursing supervisor. Um, I've never worked with better people, stronger people, more compassionate people. We were terrified when it hit. We thought we were all maybe gonna die. Right. You know, we were using one mask for a week and you were like on the front lines. We were on the front lines. We were on the front lines. And I was only two years after my transplant.

SPEAKER_01

Do you think those masks really work?

SPEAKER_00

I think they help. I do.

SPEAKER_01

You know what really um confuses me is when people wear a mask, but it's below their nose. Yeah, that's not helping anybody. It covers the mouth, but it's below the nose. And I sometimes I want to like ask, but I'm like, that's not my biggest thing. Of course. But there's no point in even wearing the mask.

SPEAKER_02

I know.

SPEAKER_01

So anyway, that we don't need to go there.

SPEAKER_00

I do I'll tell you why I think the PPE works. Because for the first, I don't know, year or two of COVID, I never caught it. I never vaccinated. But that wasn't just one of those paper masks. No, no, I no, I wore an N95 and I wore a face shield. Oh, okay. And I went to all of the emergencies. So when these COVID patients, unfortunately, that's another reason I don't want to say where I work in case anybody died at the hospital. Then these people were, we called it crumping when they were falling to the ground or rolling out of bed or maybe having a seizure or whatever it was that was happening because they were so sick. I was there. I wasn't a bedside nurse, but I was there for the emergencies. And I was terrified, honestly. In my heart, I prayed a lot to make it through, and I did. And I ended up getting COVID way later when the masks came off, and I got a little loosey-goosey with it, and I was fine with the COVIDs that I've experienced. Thank you. Did you get all the vaccines? I got none. Wow. Something told me not to. Wow. And I want to say I'm not an anti-vaxxer because prior to my liver transplant, they revaccinated me from the childhood vaccines. All of them I had to retake.

SPEAKER_01

I'm not an anti-vaxxer at all, just to be clear. However, I am, and you can definitely chime in on this. I did not get all the COVID vaccines. I got a two, I think. Maybe three, but I think it was two. And that was because I was going to Israel and I had to, I couldn't go to Israel without the vaccine. They wouldn't let me in. And I have not gotten the shingles vaccine. And I'm so conflicted because I know if you get shingles, it's terrible, terrible, terrible. But it's also like just putting that in my body. I just don't like it.

SPEAKER_00

I might get the shingles vaccine. I haven't decided yet. I'm going to discuss it with my transplant team.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, let me know what they say.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I will. I'll give you a text.

SPEAKER_01

So you went back to work four months after that. And how many years ago are we now at? How many years my tenure mark? No, no. Oh, so 10 years since since then? Since my transplants. So then are you like going along with life?

SPEAKER_00

So go all through COVID, just going along with life. I'm a little bit of a workaholic, I think, because I never had kids. And earlier, you know, what what do you do for fun? It's a hard thing for me. So like, well, I work. I have always, maybe it's my, I put my identity in work. I don't know what it is, but I am a worker. I love to work. I'm always good at what I do. Um, everywhere I've worked would take me back. I've never been written up, fired, any had any problems ever as an employee. I just love to work. So I went through work. COVID was hard on my body because of the hours I put in. I mean, one July I worked 24 12-hour night shifts in one month. Wow. Because there was no staff. Right. It was wild. It was the wildest thing I've ever seen. So, anyways, um, about a year and a half ago, September, my household got sick. First, my nephew, because he had been fishing in the keys, he got real sick. And then my boyfriend. My uh nephew's girlfriend did not get sick. She was living with us at the time, and I didn't get sick right away. I had my nephew go to the ER. I said to the ER doctor, check him for everything, because he goes out in the swamps. You know, he's a rural Florida boy. And he he he checked him for like mono. And then I I'm at work and I got real sick. I had to call my coworker. I said, You need to come in. I have to go home right now. I'm not gonna get into the symptoms because they were disgusting. Anyways, I spent the next two weeks in the hospital and went into acute kidney failure. My nephew and my boyfriend had dengue fever. It's a very rare disease to get in the States. Um, I believe it was eradicated for some time and it's caused by a mosquito bite. So my nephew gets a bit in the keys, he gets sick. We're having my master bedroom remodeled so the doors are open, and we did have some mosquitoes in the house. And one of them must have bit my nephew and bit my boyfriend. So then now he's sick, but we're not putting all this together yet. And I'll never forget, I was in my bedroom and a little tiny mosquito bit me on my finger. I thought, ooh, that's weird. And then I got sick. Now I tested negative for dengue. They both tested positive, but I'm most certain I had it. I think I tested negative because of my immunosuppression. Um, but I went into acute kidney failure, had to have blood transfusion, spent two weeks in the hospital. It was awful. And now I am on a kidney transplant list and living a very cautious life. Kidneys are much more delicate. No, I'm really careful now. And and dengue fever is in South Florida. People don't realize it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I was gonna, I'm like wondering, not that we can ask our listeners, but like I'm wondering how many people are aware of this.

SPEAKER_00

I don't think that many. Um, you'd have to look it up with uh department maybe.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that would be easy to find out. I'm just so curious about it. So is this kidney, this kidney transplant is all a result of you being bit by that mosquito?

SPEAKER_00

Well, I think it's a mix because when I went through my liver transplant, I did have an acute kidney injury. I actually was on dialysis for five months afterwards. It was a real brutal recovery. That transplant was brutal. Um but my kidneys recovered and I was normal all these years.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, wait, I'm sorry, say that one more time. After your last liver transplant, you had to go on dialysis?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, so when I was going through the double transplant process when they were trying to get me off the ventilator, which I was on for 12 days, that is a very long time. I guess I wouldn't move one side of my body, so they thought I had a stroke. And they did a brain scan, and the dye that they use to do your scans, very important, everybody. They always ask you if you're allergic to iodine or shrimp before you get a contrast dye. There's a reason for this. Um, you can have a bad reaction, but also it's very hard on your kidneys. It shut my kidneys down because I was in this really fragile state. And I was, I was on dialysis for five months at a catheter right here.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_00

And it was um a horrible experience, and I wasn't peeing. I was in Neurick, but and I prayed a lot during this time. I mean, I prayed for God to restore my kidneys, to allow me to keep working, and He did. He gave me everything I asked for. I started peeing again. I got off dialysis. I love it. I went back to work, went through COVID, and um, you know, then this Dengay fever thing happened, and now my kidneys are really sick and they're not gonna recover. And they're fine?

SPEAKER_01

Your boyfriend and your nephew? They're fine. And so now you have to have a kidney transplant. So I'm curious about something because you have such a deep relationship with God. I'm curious. Do you know where I'm going with this? Maybe. Like where do you ask God like why like I'm curio you know, do you you know what I mean? Like why does all this happen to people? Yeah, like why why is this happening to me? Why are you giving this to me? Or you know what I mean? And and did and did you and did you struggle with your with with your relationship with God because of all of that?

SPEAKER_00

No. There's a book in I think it's the Old Testament, Job. I don't know if you've ever read Job. I know it, but I've never read it. Job, I'll tell you, Job was a man who loved the Lord. And when you read the story, I'll condense it. Satan, who's the accuser, the liar, our enemy on earth, he went to God saying, Well, of course Job loves you. He's got a great life. Look at his wealth, look at his wife, look at his kids, look at his cattle. And I don't remember the exact order, but God had to give Satan permission, said, Well, go ahead, take his wealth, take his cattle, took it. Oh, look, Job still worships God. Oh, of course he still worships you. He he lost his wealth, he lost his cattle, but look at his wife and kids. God said he can take his wife and kids. This story continues, right? Job keeps worshiping God. It got to the point that Job was full of sores. Nobody in the town would talk to him. He had nothing. His own, whoever family at the time that was left said, Turn on your God, look at you. And he wouldn't. And God restored him. So the story is, you know, to me, and I on I often relate to Job, you know, there's been a lot of hardships in my life. There has been.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

SPEAKER_00

I mean But I still trust God. I still will worship him. I still know that Jesus is God. I still know that he's the creator, he's the ruler, he's who I follow. I try to be like him. I fail. We all do. That's why we need him.

SPEAKER_01

It's just interesting. You know, I have clients who are, you know, very religious and go to church. And when they go through these hardships, they that's a big, uh, a big piece that needs to be processed because they s get really mad w at their God.

SPEAKER_00

I don't know if I've ever really questioned him.

SPEAKER_01

And I'm not saying every I mean everybody. I don't I don't know that I was ever like a why me person. Like, why did I get Crohn's? Right? Because I was really sick as a child. Like you would not you wouldn't believe it from seeing me today to how I was when I was younger. I was very, very sick. It was it was um a big part of my life. So anyway, but I never said why me. It never occurred to me to say why me. And I haven't gone through the same kind of hardships as you did growing up. And I mean it was difficult for other reasons, but now I look back and I I know why these things were put uh on my path. I know exactly why.

SPEAKER_00

I've never really asked why. I don't think I maybe I am logical. I'm like, you know, things happen. People get sick, people die, bad things happen. I think we can only control uh our response to it.

SPEAKER_01

That just made me think of this book, uh a rab I wrote called When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Very interesting. It's just it's just an interesting conversation. So this is what I want to know. You're waiting for a kidney transplant. It could be seven years.

SPEAKER_00

And what's gonna happen in those seven years? I'm gonna do everything I can not to go on dialysis. So I eat a very um disappointing diet. I don't eat protein, can you imagine? You can't eat any protein. Well, I can have maybe a tiny bit, but I eat as very uh occasionally I'll let myself have some chicken or an egg. Not every day. Fish? You can't have any fish? No. So unfortunately, and I don't want to get too much into the details, but because my kidneys aren't filtering, I have a very high uric acid. So I can't have any purine. So no seafood. So what do you mean? What'd you have for lunch? Today I've had some green grapes so far. And I had a small little peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which I probably shouldn't have the peanut butter, but that's protein. Yeah, I had a little bit. I let myself have a small small amount.

SPEAKER_01

But don't, but don't so explain this to me, like really briefly, just from a medical perspective, because you're a nurse. Doesn't your body need protein? Like, doesn't your brain work more effectively with protein and all your organs?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I have some, just very low.

SPEAKER_01

Do you have to take a lot of supplements?

SPEAKER_00

No, I can't really take anything. Oh yeah, you can't. I take my transplant meds, which are very hard on my kidneys, and I take some blood pressure meds because your blood pressure and your kidneys are tied together. High blood pressure will destroy your kidneys. So I I have to keep my blood pressure down. You can't be so calm. I can't take an exeterin, I can't take anything.

SPEAKER_01

I understand. I've I have never taken an aspirin, an advil, ibuprofen, none of those things my entire life. Yeah. That part's hard.

SPEAKER_00

Like right now, my wrist is inflamed from like a carpal tunnel or something, and I can't take anything for it, and it's just throbbing. But you know, it's just go through it, deal with it.

SPEAKER_01

Talk about that. Talk about it, you just go through it.

SPEAKER_00

Tell me what that looks like for you. I think um, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? You're gonna stop? You're gonna stop living, get you know, crawl into bed while the world around you collapses. You can't. You have to keep going. I have to pay my bills, gotta pay my mortgage, you know, gotta keep going. What are you gonna do? And some people do that. I've seen people do that. Of course. I've seen people escape with alcohol and drugs and stop doing it, and I've watched their lives fall apart around them.

SPEAKER_01

I I don't know if you know this. I think I told you I was a a therapist. I read that about you. Okay. It's so funny. It's just funny, right? Hi, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Um so I work a lot with trauma and I work a lot with um complex trauma, both PTSD, I mean and con and CPTSD. And I'm not explaining this stuff to you because I know you know what it is, right? Yeah, I know what it is. Okay. And um, well, I CPTSD complex is more when it's repeated exposure. Okay. So the people who end up not feeling good enough and feel worthless and who, you know, because they felt neglected or for whatever reason, you know, like it could be a million things, but I'm not gonna go into all that much detail. But um oh my god, I totally just lost my my train of thought. What did you just say to me? Just keeping into it is that oh, and then I also I mean, I started my career as an addictions counselor. Oh wow. So I've watched a lot of people. Yeah. I mean, I I did work in a treatment center for a couple years. I did my licensure hours in in the 90s at a treatment center, so I would see all of that, you know, and the self-medicating. I I mean I've seen so many people die from overdoses.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it's escapism. They can't deal. What whatever the pain is, whether it's physical pain or emotional pain, I think it's on a spectrum. I can handle a lot of physical pain. I don't know why. Another person, a small amount of pain cripples them. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01

It well, it's because of all of our experiences. And it doesn't just have to be happening to us. It could be something we saw in somebody else, it could be a movie that we watched, it could be anything, right? So I used to have the highest pain tolerance until I was in Mount Sinai in New York City. It was the one and only time I had to be hospitalized for my Crohn's. I haven't had surgery, thank God. Knock on wood. And um, but I was very sick. I was taking steroids, it was terrible, I couldn't leave my house. And, you know, it affected like, and I was a kid, like my social life, my academics, my my everything. So I oh my god. So I feel like I'm telling you like three different stories. It's all right, roll with it. You know, the addiction, yeah. So I've just seen a lot of that, and so I get it. So you weren't part of that, but seven years. So do they think, do the doctor so do you live every day? I'm just gonna ask you the question. Sure. Like, do you do you live your life knowing like you don't know when you're I mean, nobody knows when they're gonna die. I'm at peace with death.

SPEAKER_00

I don't want to die. I don't want my brother to have to go through another loss. I don't want my nephew to have to go through a loss. My nephew and I have an unusually close relationship for an aunt and nephew. He's been living with me since he was 17. Oh. And I might be a little bit of one of those enablers. I want him to enjoy his life. I had a very high stress life. And and I think part of like I understand that. I think the reason why my brother and I, because he's a lot like me in ways and nothing like me in others, but I think that responsibility thing is when you have all that loss and disaster, you have to find some control in it all. I'm sure you know this as a therapist. So you control what you can control, and you can be kind of controlling. I can be controlling, you know. I want everything a certain way, want it done right. You have to be. Oh, yeah. I mean for sure. Yeah. Or somebody could die. I mean, my phone rings hundreds of times.

SPEAKER_01

I bet you're gonna have like 30 calls.

SPEAKER_00

Well, no, for my job. My job is very much of a phone job. So as a supervisor, when I'm the highest in authority at night over the hospital, so everything that happens, I get called for. Everything. It could be a toilet is clogged to I'm not sure what's wrong with my patient. Well, let me come take a look. Sorry.

SPEAKER_01

So that's okay. So so when you said you work the night shift, are you having to go into the hospital or you just have to be awake for all these calls?

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I run around. I'm in the hospital. Oh, okay. I'm in scrubs like all the nurses. Okay. And no, I'm in the hospital. I go to every code blue, rapid response, code gray, everything you hear, I'm at it. You know, plus doing the administrative side of things.

SPEAKER_01

Did you used to have a fear of death at any point because your dad died young?

SPEAKER_00

And I had a fear of losing my mom. I would cry and beg to her never to die after my dad died.

SPEAKER_01

And would you say to yourself, I don't know how I would ever go on or live without her if something happened to her? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. I have so many of my younger clients say that to me. And the reason I'm bringing this up is because maybe one of them will hear this. Because look how strong you are. And you are okay, and you have gone on with your life. And you haven't had your mom for how many years? Oh my gosh, now 30.

SPEAKER_00

Wow.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Wow. I still miss her. It's funny, right? When I was around 50, I was sitting at a light, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, because I don't think I ever took the time to grieve. You know, I just kept on foraging forward. It just hit me, and I called my brother. I'm like, man, I was just sitting at a light and I just overwhelmingly wanted to cry. I didn't cry. But I wanted to cry, I really miss mom. He's like, Yeah, that happens to me sometimes. I think we just like stuffed it down and moved on. But wait, have you grieved yet? I don't know if I've ever like really grieved. I think I've always talked about it very openly. But have you felt it? So the night before I took my mom into hospice, because she was a nurse and, you know, very faithful Christian. She didn't want to die in our home because our dad had died in our home and it always bothered us. So the night before I took her in, I was, you know, 21, I cried. I laid on the floor next to her bed and I sobbed so hard that she said, Mel, please stop crying. It's physically hurting me because she was crying. I just kept telling her, you know, I can't live without you. It was just like like you're about to go over a cliff, you know.

SPEAKER_01

And how did you move, how did you move through that? Well, you said, I mean, you were busy, you never really grieved. You know, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00

I was there when she died. It was a terrible death, it was a slow death. She But how did you move forward in terms of I don't know. I just got in the car and drove and she left us a Justin Case book, and I pulled the book out, and we would me and my brother sat down. Number one, called the Social Security Office to tell them I died.

SPEAKER_01

I'm glad that she did that. That was so incredibly important.

SPEAKER_00

Just so everyone knows, those books. You know those books they sell now for No, she didn't. Well, yeah, it was she died in 1996. She made that book probably in 1991 because she was afraid if something happened to her and nobody would know what to do. I've seen them. Yeah, you've seen them. She didn't actually invent that book. Oh she came up with the idea. The concept. The concept. There was no internet back then. Oh, there was, but not.

SPEAKER_01

But I do think it's a really good idea because I mean Oh, we followed it to a T. And it and if the parents don't do that, it leaves the kids like in a real situation.

SPEAKER_00

We lost a piece of property to taxes because we didn't stay on top of one thing maybe she didn't have written in there, a piece of property in O'Callop. But it's like uh, you know, she tried to think of everything. I'm sure she was terrified. I will say she did say this to me. She said, um she had to give us to God at one point in her process. Her process was awful, knowing you've already lost your husband and now you have to leave your kids. She was probably terrified for us. And she said, I just have to realize you're not my children. You are God's children, and I was just here to guide you.

SPEAKER_01

That just gave me like a little bit of It actually makes me well up a little bit.

SPEAKER_00

Like I could almost cry.

SPEAKER_01

Well, you can cry, but what it's not making me want to cry, but I felt a heaviness on my chest because my three children only have one parent. And my kids say to me all the time, you have to take care of yourself. Yeah, like to a hundred and fifty percent because you're our only parent. Yeah, they feel like they can't live without you.

SPEAKER_00

I felt like that.

SPEAKER_01

But but that's what I want to know. When I say to you, how did you move forward? I don't mean that day or taking care of her stuff. I mean emotionally. Like clearly you lived without her. Or and you are living without her.

SPEAKER_00

So, like, how did that what did that look like? I I would say, like, you know, if I tap into the emotional side of things, there's definitely a pit. You know, there's a longing for that relationship with your mom. But what are you gonna do? You have to move forward. I I think the first time I realized that when I was in high school, I was dating a guy whose twin brother died in an accident. I lost six friends in high school in one year to foolishness. And I remember the next first I remember the screams of his mother and the devastation of the family, and I was over at his house, and I just remember looking outside and like seeing an ambulance drive by and cars drive by, and I'm like, the world is still going on. Wow, this world has stopped. Right, their world came to a complete halt. Right. But the rest of the world is still going on. The rest of the world did not lose my mother. I lost my mom. And I just didn't let my life stop, even though I had my moments, sure. And I've had some dark moments, mostly when I went through my divorce. The my husband leaving the marriage, honestly, was the worst um pain experience of my life. That rejection was really, I had nightmares of it for years. During that time, there were times I was on the ground crying, sobbing, just couldn't understand how he could leave me. I put my whole identity into him, and he knew that everything I had been through and he was my family, that was really hard. But even that I moved through.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, so I have two questions, and we actually our our time is just about up. I can't even believe it. But I have two questions. So I know that your faith is so important to you, and that is sometimes enough for people. But do you do other things? Like I know for me, I really need community, I really need to be in nature, I listen to music, I have my dogs.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I have four dogs.

SPEAKER_01

What kind do you have?

SPEAKER_00

I have two chihuahuas, monkey and moose, and I have two mini aussies, cove and canyon, and they're about eight years apart in age, so the chihuahuas are 12 and 13, and the aussies are six. And what are the little ones called? Co um monkey and moose. I mean the other ones. A cove and canyon.

SPEAKER_01

Cove and canyon.

SPEAKER_00

Like a beach cove. Uh trying to name them after them.

SPEAKER_01

So are there things like that? Like, do you journal? Do you you like do you read the Bible every morning?

SPEAKER_00

I don't have any like routine. My dogs. I love my dogs. I get a lot of joy with my dogs. I bark with them, howl with them, talk to them, love on them. I love my dogs.

SPEAKER_01

You know, if you let your dog sleep with you, they we both live longer.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, they do.

SPEAKER_01

I just read that.

SPEAKER_00

There's a ramp. They can come and go as they please. My dogs are treated like humans in my house. They're really my babies.

SPEAKER_01

Mine too. We were just joking at earlier. I was at lunch with my daughter and a cousin, and she was telling us about her four-year-old and four, right? Not five. I think four. And she's a great age. She's so freaking cute, and but sometimes she's really naughty. But when she's being naughty, she's really cute, and she's like getting away with this stuff. And I was like, oh, that's exactly how I am with my dog. Like, so naughty. And I'm like, oh my god. Come here, you little stinker. You know?

SPEAKER_00

That's how I feel about them. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I love them so much. And I do some beating and crafting. Oh, but that's important. That's meditative. TikTok stuff. So now TikTok's my new thing.

SPEAKER_01

This has all been very therapeutic for you. That's good for me.

SPEAKER_00

I think beating is very meditative. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

You know, just to kind of zone and, you know, or beat.

SPEAKER_00

Not think about anything else. I don't really watch TV, not into it. I do listen to praised music. I don't listen to any secular music anymore. I don't. I don't even know what's out there anymore. Wow. I realized one day what you're singing over yourself, you're singing over yourself. Be very careful. Words are powerful.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I agree.

SPEAKER_00

You know, and Hollywood is not I don't listen to any of that. Yeah, Hollywood is weird.

SPEAKER_01

I don't listen to any of that. I don't like any of that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, I listen to like old stuff.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that's nice. Or like the Grateful Dead. I can still enjoy the older stuff.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, but like I love Billy Joel and I love classic rock and I love who do I love? Like Kansas and Sticks. I love it. I do like the music of Pink Floyd. I mean, all that. So anyway, there's many, many more. But my last question for you is what would you say to people who are watching? Right, because you are a great example of resilience. Thanks. And I want people to learn from you right now in this moment. So look into that camera and tell them what you think they need to know in order so that they know that it's not like you thought you were gonna die in two hours.

SPEAKER_00

I still could. I mean, it's possible. Okay, go ahead. I I really believe this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And use my hope.

SPEAKER_01

No, but and every like things change, right?

SPEAKER_00

Like it's it doesn't necessarily have to be for me. The whole world could disappear. There's nothing I'm attached to on this earth, except for people. I love people. Everything can disappear. Really, all that really matters to me is that I'm I am pleasing God in a way that He's happy with the life that I'm living, and He says to love people. I and I love on people. I didn't even talk about that. I love on people. And really my ultimate goal is just to pr please God. And then whatever happens, the rest doesn't really matter. My life doesn't even matter. That's what matters to me.

SPEAKER_01

Though how what but I'm talking more about and I think that's beautiful, by the way, and I love that you have that. And maybe that's my surrender.

SPEAKER_00

I I don't know. Right. Maybe it is. And that's maybe what keeps me going is that my focus is on him instead of myself. And I'm more concerned about what he thinks about how I'm reacting to everything than you know what's actually happening to me. Right.

SPEAKER_01

I want people to have a message from you of hope. Okay. Because you have been through a lot to liver transplants, being the parent at nine years old, losing your mom and dad, divorce. And I there was another big one in there you said. I don't remember. My brother's accident. Oh, the kidney, your brother's accident when he was almost on death's door. Yeah. And you're sitting here talking with me. I see you at the spa. You're living your life. I would like to know that you one day are having a little bit more fun and getting out. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00

I think that's really important. My fun definition has changed. I I went out when I was younger. I have no interest in that now. I like real connections with real people. I would rather get on the phone with a friend and listen to what that's going on in their life, maybe help them work through it. I have a degree in psychology, also, actually, background. And I would just, you know, that's the person is serving people. Just serve people. You know, serve people, and you won't really focus on what's going on in your life. Help the people around you.

SPEAKER_01

You are such a beautiful human being. I just want to tell you that. And I looked over at Janine when you said um my definition of fun is very different than it was. And I agree with you a hundred percent. I just want to be with people that are real, real, and that we can have real conversations, we can be vulnerable, we can have this powerful connection. Support each other. Have some music in the background. Yeah. And maybe the dogs running around. And the dogs. Don't forget the dogs. And maybe the dogs running around. I mean, I do like to go listen to music. I like to be at the beach just because the nature is a lot. Do you? Oh, that's great. I mean, to me, nature is so healing. Um I actually have access to private beach in Florida.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and I I value it.

SPEAKER_01

Nice. Jupiter is so beautiful. It is beautiful. It's really beautiful. One of my best friends lives up there, actually in Jupiter Farms. Oh, okay. But I love that whole area around, oh my god, what is that restaurant called? It's on the water. Bonabanas. Yeah. That's the one. I don't love their food. Yeah. But I love sitting there. It's so pretty. One time I was there with my daughter, and one of her like sorority sisters just like went by on the um Oh, on the paddle board? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

It was hilarious. Yeah. I don't go on the water. I'm afraid of sharks. I've seen too many. You'll have to tell me about that another day where you're seeing sharks. Um, have you been in a shark tank? No, no, just all the years I worked on Jupiter Island. I worked on Jupiter Island for almost 10 years. Okay, got it. And saw a lot of sharks just from the beach.

SPEAKER_01

Well, I brought up Janine, by the way, I'm going back to this one thing. When you said about I just want to be with people where we can be real and connect and deep, I looked over at Janine and she was shaking her head yes, and I was shaking my head yes, because I I I know, and I just that resonates so much with me. Anywho, it has been such a joy, and again, I have to remind everybody, I met this woman six days ago. And this is what it is when you just can connect with somebody and it's about being it's energetic. Yeah, it's I just trusted that you were gonna be here, it was gonna be great, you were gonna share an important story, and I just I really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00

Proud of myself, I didn't think I could do it. I was really nervous about being on camera and being interviewed.

SPEAKER_01

And thank you for saying that. We're still rolling, and thank you for saying that because you're being real, you're being authentic and vulnerable and saying that. And I have to tell you, you did a fabulous job. Thank you. Melissa never even listened to a podcast. Nope. Before today. You still haven't listened to it. But you've never even listened to a podcast. You're uh what do I do? How do I prepare? What am I gonna need? I didn't know there was gonna be cameras till I texted you, so there's no cameras, right? I know. You know, I should have told you that, but I haven't been thinking about it because my YouTube videos aren't up yet. So what's out now is only audio. That's okay. You know? I'll be honest.

SPEAKER_00

You did fabulous. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you inviting me. You were wonderful. You are wonderful. Thank you so much. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01

And remember, folks, the Present Moment Project is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only. The views and opinions shared by the host and guests are their own and do not constitute medical, legal, or professional advice. Please consult a qualified healthcare professional before making any medical or wellness decisions. This podcast is not a substitute for professional care, no matter how wise we may sound in this present moment.