LMN Ep 14 – Learning to Live Authentically

A real-time breakthrough about shame, expertise, creativity, self-trust, and the life I think I’ve secretly wanted all along.

In this episode, I talk about the pressure I’ve felt to become an “expert,” the shame I’ve carried around not feeling qualified enough, and the realization that I may have been building another box around myself instead of following what actually makes me feel alive.

This one is raw, messy and feels like a very important realization for all of us to be able to live the free and joyful lives we came here to live.

Transcript

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Welcome to LM Men. I'm Leela Morensi. On this podcast, I speak honestly about what it means to live and love as a woman returning to her feminine essence. Some days it's about sex and polarity. Other days, heartbreak, trust, or the quiet moments of growth in between. This definitely isn't a podcast of polished advice, but more of a space for truth. A space without shame where we explore the deeply human experience of loving without losing ourselves and the ongoing dance of feminine and masculine within us all. So take a deep breath, drop into your body, and let's begin. Okay, welcome back to another episode. I am in the middle of a breakthrough, and I gotta document this and share it with whoever's listening. I'm not sure what is gonna come out, but we're just gonna riff. Um, and I'm very excited about this. I was listening to a podcast earlier by a woman named Shoshana Raven who is crushing it. Like, crushing it as a woman, as a mother, as a business person. Like, she's just crushing it. And I've been so inspired by her and really trying to find those people that are living the kind of life that I want to live. And the main theme that I'm finding out in all of these people is that they've overcome shame and they've overcome fear, and they're just doing it. They're just doing the thing, they're doing what lights them up, they're following their passion. And this woman started her podcast um essentially to talk about all of the things that she was most ashamed about. And she was talking with this woman about how we all have those secrets, we all have those things that we're trying to hide from the world because what we believe is that if if the world knew who we were really, they wouldn't like us, they wouldn't accept us, and we would be outcasted and die. So it got me thinking. I was like, what's my thing? Like, obviously, I'm not living the life that I want to live right now yet. What's that thing that's holding me back from doing that? And I was kind of going backwards in my life, and it's like, oh, what's what was it when I had a business with my partner? It was like, oh, this isn't fully my passion. This isn't, I don't feel like a storyteller. I don't feel like I I want to do this. And there's parts of me that I would like to talk about more that aren't welcome here. And then I was like, okay, well, that burned and I left that. I end up in Bali and I'm going through my trauma. I'm healing from certain things, I'm having these massive revelations of nervous system stuff, and I'm also in a place. This is like back six months ago. It's like I'm in a place where I am alone again, I don't have a job, I don't know who I am. I have to figure out a way to make money and survive and take care of myself. After doing all of this healing, having these massive nervous system revelations, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna build a course. Essentially, this is a course that I made for me. So I make the course and I use Chat GPT to try to figure out like, how do I sort my thoughts into modules and how do I figure all this out? I launch the course, the course is great. Then I need to get into cohort two. And I'm talking about the course, and I'm trying to sell this stuff to a cold audience. Nobody knows who I am, nobody seems interested. I just keep doubting and doubting and doubting, and I'm like, oh fuck. I'm not a psychologist. I didn't study all of this nervous system stuff, and I feel like a total fraud. I just know my own experience. So I'm listening to this podcast earlier today, and the shame thing that they're talking about. It's like, what is that secret? What is that thing that you're keeping to yourself that's just keeping you blocked? It's that. It's like, oh, I'm not an expert. It seems like I, from my whole life, I've wanted so dearly to be seen as this intelligent woman who had it all figured out, who was perfect in everything that she did, and it's just not working out. I've been running away from the only thing that really, really makes me feel alive, which is creating things like art, like crafts, like baking, like interior design stuff, like making jewelry, like making clothing, all these things that I have deemed silly and stupid and brainless. Oh, if I lean into that, of course, I'm never gonna be anything because artists are nothing and they're starving and no one can make a living. So this has been a massive revelation. It's like I keep building myself another box to lock myself up into so that I could feel shame and unworthy and just not good enough to be in that box. Oh, why am I continuing to build these structures that just keep me limited? The other day I was making I was making art for two days. I was making a goddess portrait, and it's awesome. It was so much fun, and I lost track of time, and it made me feel so alive. It's like collaging, and so it's layers upon layers, and uh studying the themes of the goddess and like why certain things should be on my portrait versus others and what they mean to me, and it just felt so fun. I'm just so tired of not living my life following my fun. I'm so done with it. This this is why this feels like the massive breakthrough. Because also the podcast idea was just this platform to be able to share my voice, to be able to share whatever I wanted. That had come to me in meditation. It was like just start talking, just unblock yourself, just say whatever you need to say to free yourself. Then for two, three months I have not been posting because it's like I'm a fraud. I'm supposed to talk about self-abandonment when I'm not a specialist on self-abandonment. And I start educating myself on all of this trauma research and all these things, and I get so depressed because I'm not here to do that. I'm grateful that there are people that are doing that and they're that they're loving it. Not everybody can be an artist, not everybody wants to be an artist, and I want to do that. That's what I want to do. It feels really exciting to finally be understanding that I'm not going to listen to anyone or take advice from anyone that is not living the kind of life that I want to live. Which is why I've just been on the lookout for women like this woman on the podcast who are living the lives that I want to live, that are free, that are creative and fun and surrounded by amazing communities, living in financial abundance and limitless. Because that's where that's where I'm going. That's what I'm supposed to do here. Anyway, I am thrilled because I'm finally understanding that I don't need to be ashamed that I'm not a nervous system specialist or a psychologist interested in trauma. I can allow myself to just be an artist and just create. This is what makes me forget about time. What is that for you? And what can you do to follow it a little bit more? Because the world needs us to do that. It needs us to be able to courageously step into whatever our gifts are. Okay, for now I think that's all. Peace out, guys, and let's go. It's time.