LMN Ep 15 – On Trust, Provision & the Feminine

A chat about feminine and masculine dynamics, survival mode, creativity, receiving support, and what might happens when we stop building our lives entirely around fear, control, and self-protection.

In this episode, I talk about my relationship, my resistance to being provided for, the difference between creating from survival vs expansion, and the realization that maybe softness, beauty, art, joy, and creation are not distractions from life…but part of what we’re actually here for.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to LMN. I'm Leela Morensi. This is a space for truth, for aliveness, for laying down the armor and learning what it means to stay open, which is often easier said than done these days. Some days we'll talk about sex and polarity. Other days, heartbreak, devotion, shame, love, freedom, or those little moments of realization that change who we are without anyone noticing. This isn't polished advice. It's real life. Messy, tender, sensual, confronting, alive. So take a breath, drop into your body, and let's begin. I wanted to talk about something that is very important to me. I'm so passionate about this. It's about relationships, it's about the masculine-feminine dynamics, it's about how we support one another in relationship. And I'm just understanding all of these things recently. It's amazing. The thing that is on my mind now is that Robert and I decided to commit to one another and move forward together in life. Robert came to Bali in March for a month. And during that month, I was building my online course. I was trying to script all the things. I was having to record and load everything on the platform that I use and create all the thumbnails and all of these things. And I felt so overwhelmed. Not to mention that we were trying to figure out our marriage. We were trying to figure out like, are we staying together? Are we not? What does this look like? What is happening in our lives? I ended up getting sick as well. So I was super stressed out. It was the last week that we were together. And he shared with me that he had a little bit of resistance with me having a business. And with me having this course. And it wasn't necessarily the course and it wasn't necessarily the business. But he said he's seen me again just grinding myself into the ground. And he can see that that's not my true essence. That's not what I want to do. And that's why it's so it was so challenging. At first, I I didn't like hearing that because it's like, oh, here we go again. We split up because I needed to find a life. I needed to do something for myself. And now I've created this, and maybe he's jealous, or maybe he's threatened. So that's how my brain first received that piece of information. Was like, okay. Then I asked him why. He just said he could see that this was not, it wasn't lighting me up. It's so interesting because it was created from a place of kind of survival, needing to create some form of income for myself, not from a place of expansion, but very much from a place of fear and from a place of survival. So yeah, we had that conversation, and the next day I was like, okay, let's for one second say that I don't do the business. What would you see me doing with my days? The response he gave me was uh really eye-opening for me and surprising. He said, Whatever lights you up, whatever makes you happy, anything. You can travel, you can bake, you can do crafts, you can make clothing, you can decorate the house, you can go play in the park, do all of the fun things that light you up. Because when you are lit up, and when I see you creating, I want to provide for you more. And this was confirmed again when I was I was making a a baby mobile. My brother had a baby, and I had made one for my sister for her first baby, just out of like these little felt animals. I was creating this inspired with um themes from Bali. I showed it to Robert on Zoom when we had a call, and I was like, look, this is like the little gecko, and like this is the little monkey, and this is the little uh scooter, and yeah, I probably use that voice too. Um afterwards we had that call. I'm showing these things to him, and I'm feeling kind of silly as I'm in the cafes with my you know needle and thread and my felt, and I'm making these little creatures, and I feel like a grandma. Like I don't feel sexy or or feminine, uh, but I'm having fun. I am having fun. And after we had that conversation, Robert sent me a message saying, You showing me your creation makes me want to work harder to provide for you so that you can make more of that. And I was like, really? That gets you going? That's so crazy to me because my whole life my system has been programmed to believe that I need to be doing something productive, something that is valuable in the world. And I've defined that as what society mostly defines that as. So making money or doing some research that's moving the world forward or helping people out, or all of these things. And I never really considered that doing art is also something that brings joy, and that joy and creation is needed in the world. Not everybody knows how to make things and wants to make art. But anyway, what I want to talk about, I think I'll get to it. No, it's it's all of this, but it's just so interesting to me the dynamic between the feminine and the masculine, and how the feminine is flow and beauty and slowness and that sensitivity and connection to source and to God and to whatever flows through her and that wildness. I've just squelched that for most of my life, but now there's a man that wants to help me fully step into that, and I'm realizing how much surrender and how much trust that takes. I've been working with my nervous system to really lean into because I also see that if I continue to want to provide for myself and be an independent woman, like I was raised to be in the classic ways of thinking, as in like she's got her own money and she can flee whenever she wants. Because if she doesn't have that money, then when she wants to run away, then she can't. She's trapped. But there is this other level of relationship that we are entering, Robert and I, which is I'm not trapped. We're choosing each other, like we're not trapped. We we proved to one another that our relationship can end and we're both gonna be fine. So the fear of that happening, since it already happened, is no longer there. So I don't feel trapped. And the more that I can trust him to provide for me and just really surrender and be like, all right, I'm in your hands. You're gonna take care of me. He's like, Yes, I'm going to take care of you. For me to be able to trust that and not need to know, okay, well, where's your next client and where's all this stuff? And like micromanaging his experience, it's just like, no, he's got it. He's going to take care of me. I trust that. The more that I can trust that and just flow in my own creation of art and allowing myself to do what lights me up, then the more he's allowed to be lit up by what lights him up. So I'm just thinking about relationships in general and how we support one another and we inspire one another to become those better versions of ourselves, but it requires a lot of trust. It requires a lot of surrender. It's something that I I hadn't understood before this. I'm still in the process of understanding it. But if I have one foot out the door, aka, I'm still trying to make money here, grinding in some way that doesn't feel fully aligned because I don't fully trust that he can take care of me, then there is no way for him to be able to step into that role fully. It just needs to happen. It needs to happen, and I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't have all the answers. Probably for the first time in my life, I'm actually okay not having all of the answers. It almost sounds silly. It's like, oh well, how are you gonna make it? Like, what's gonna happen? How are you gonna survive? Well, I don't know. I don't know. And part of me also knows that this is the key. This is it. I hope it's helpful. And I'll talk to you real soon.

unknown 9:33

Okay.