Episode #19-Capacity

In this episode, Don and Greg discuss the concept of capacity and the impact that taking on too many obligations can have on our lives in a negative way. They emphasize the importance of maintaining a reserve in order to serve, recognizing that we cannot effectively care for others if we are running on empty ourselves. The conversation also explores the role of mental hygiene and self-care as essential practices for staying whole, healthy, and capable of supporting the people in our lives.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to this episode of Greek Integrated, The Journey of Transformation. This is a podcast hosted by Greg Jacobs and Don Lipstick. Well, Don, we were just discussing about how we are thankful that we don't have an agenda in front of us. How we can keep these podcasts organic. Um, it's not something that we have to have questions even uh prepared for our guests. We can kind of get some guardrails and different things and suggestions. Um, but uh today is just one of those days. It's really a matter of just you and I. We don't have a guest on today. And we're going to kind of talk about something that can prohibit you from turning your grief into growth, and that is capacity. I guess with that, you can kind of add the word anxiety, worry, fear uh in there as well. Uh, maybe that's an offshoot. I don't know. Uh, but taking on uh too much stuff. So uh what are your thoughts on that?

SPEAKER_02 1:02

Well, you know, you just talked about um uh how we like to have this organic. And when I think of uh my stress levels, um if we had a um if we weren't organic with our conversations, if we had a script that we were following, I would feel so uncomfortable and I'd be really stressed out. Um so uh you know I think that right there tends to uh lead to you know discussion about capacity. Um I really uh am a firm believer that when we pour our uh selves into other people, um that there's so much that we need to do to pour into ourselves. And there's no one that's going to do that for us. We have to decide to do that for ourselves. There's been times throughout my grief journey that I definitely did not take good care of my mental hygiene, and I um you know I could feel myself just kind of falling apart and not being able to do the things that I can do when I am at full capacity. So I think uh there's a lot of really good discussion that you and I can have because I know that you've you've had those times too.

SPEAKER_00 2:45

And I am having those times currently. Life is ongoing, it's it's not really even a past tense when it comes to capacity or anxiety for me. Uh, you know, there's a word that you mentioned, and that is mental hygiene. Uh, it's probably not a term um that most people are familiar with. Um I I like to stay stockpiled on toiletries. So I'll usually have a couple cans of shaving cream, you know, in my uh reserve closet uh where I have supplies. I might have, you know, two or three you know sticks of deodorant um type aspect. And I was thinking this morning how uh I am down to my last stick of deodorant, and nobody sees my deodorant, nobody sees that I put it on or don't put it on, uh, but they can't smell the after effects of it if for some reason I run out and and I don't I don't have enough to put on. I'm not wearing it that day, right? So uh so there's aspects to our mental hygiene that do seep out per se and can turn smelly to others that are on the receiving end of that. Uh it's not just detrimental to us, it's detrimental to others around us. So there's there's really an incumbency upon us to make sure that we are not being above capacity. And I'm gonna explain that term, I think, here in just a second, uh, as well as making sure that our anxiety and our worry or fears, our anger, whatever you know, personification of emotions that might come over us and exude from us because of having too much on our plate. So for years, um, I've always been a giver. I've always been somebody that would, you know, throw my hat in the ring per se and help others on boards, on uh committees, different things. There was a time uh in my life over a five-year period of time that I sat on 17 nonprofit boards. Uh during that time, I chaired them, most of them. Um, I got so stressed and so overcapacity that, you know, and this is on top of being a you know a full-time financial advisor at the time.

SPEAKER_02 4:59

Um you are what an overachiever for the the classic. Yeah. Yeah, yep, the epitome of it. Because that I could I know I could never do that.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

Yeah. So well, so I went to my chiropractor because my back was hurting so bad. A good friend of mine, Dr. Tim Lee, is my chiropractor. And I remember him telling me, Greg, you've got to cut some stuff out. You were wearing this um this stress in your back and your shoulders. It's so knotted up and tight. And that was my first indicator. Somebody actually cared enough to call it out and to tell me. Um, so at this point, I don't serve on a lot of, I don't serve on any boards per se. I do have a lot of irons in the fire mentoring people that are going through grief and things. But um, my capacity level has changed. And that is what am I able to handle in life with a glass full and not run over in a negative sense? Um, sometimes I think maybe I should keep my capacity at 50% or 75%, because there's always ancillary aspects. There's there's always an adult child who's trying to figure something out. There's always a parent who needs something, a geriatric parent. There's always um, you know, a friend who is in need or their marriage is struggling or whatever it might be that will tend to just like throw water into my my glass when I'm not expecting it, and therefore all of a sudden overcapacity. So uh wanted to kind of just pick your brain a little bit on that as far as you know, kind of capacity. Can you keep yourself at 100% of what you can maintain in control and learn not to let others uh fill your vessel even fuller?

SPEAKER_02 6:47

You know, uh this brings to mind, and I wish I could remember this story that I used to share with the peer mentors at TAPS about a professor who um held up a glass and um was uh the glass was um half full or half empty. And he held it up and he said, I bet you you all think you know the question I'm about to ask. And um and they then and I'm gonna do my best to to tell this story with my memory as it is, but um they they said you know it's a glass half four or half empty, and um and he's like that is not the question I'm gonna ask. Um it's how long can you hold if I hold it for three seconds that's okay. But if I'm holding it for a minute, the arm begins to get a little you know more difficult. If I hold it there for two minutes, it's even harder. So it's not about the glass being half full or half empty, it's about how long we're carrying whatever it is that we're carrying. Sometimes we just have to put the glass down to let it go, um without dropping it so that it doesn't fill all over the place. But but the the point is um you know we we can all carry these burdens, these you know heavy, heavy loads, um for as long as we wish to, but we can also decide to put uh put it down. And um and that especially when when we're talking about grief, uh you know, we're we are going to like that doesn't come when we want it to come. I think um and and that's where capacity is really important because when we're dealing with grief, are there other things that we can let go of that we don't have to carry with us um to so that we can really take care of our grief? Um and and in most cases the answer is yes. Um so what do you think of that?

SPEAKER_00 9:41

Well, so you know there's there's several things you said there. First off, whenever you were talking about the glass, not really a matter of half empty or half full. And for our listeners, we're not talking about optimism uh when it comes to that. We're talking about capacity of being able to handle things. So I would say that there's a real aspect of the fastest is on the wrong syllable versus the emphasis being on the right syllable. So sometimes we take our our uh vision off of why we're doing things to begin with. There's a lot of good things that we do that are good intentions that can bring us down because we don't have the ability or capacity. And I've seen a lot of people get watered down by taking on too much stuff and doing five things not so well versus if they would just focus on one thing and do it well, uh, they would have more of an impact. So I do think there's something else you call it out there, and that is timing. When it comes to grief, because that's what this podcast is about, turning grief into growth, the journey of transformation, then there's this whole aspect of us thinking that we can control the time that grief comes upon us. Uh, maybe there's a milestone coming up that maybe you understand that it might be the the date of death of your loved one or their birthday uh is two things that come to mind. If you're a military person, it might be, you know, or your you know, loved one served in the military, maybe Memorial Day as well. Um, but the other times it's really impossible to really uh feel or search those waves that come and go with grief. So with that, I think that the whole topic of this was apropos for us to really explore because there's there's so much good intentions, there's so much good things that we try to do to help progress ourselves along. Um, you know, we did a podcast recently uh with chaplain uh Colonel William Spencer, and he was talking about how he does not like the term closure when it comes to grief. And I agree with that because I think that a lot of times we're trying to fix something that maybe will never be fixed. Maybe we'll learn to bear that burden. Uh, maybe our love for that loved one that has passed gets even stronger and we learn to bring them along with us uh in our memories, uh, in our actions every single day. But I think that we have to be careful on not overloading ourselves where we have that seepage, kind of like not putting on that underarm deodorant, not exercising physical hygiene, the same for not exercising mental hygiene.

SPEAKER_02 12:30

Yeah, yeah. And you know, you bring up a a lot of good points. Um, I think it's important for uh us, uh all of us, our listeners as well, to just recognize um what what is that point where I am you know not I I lose control, okay, where I'm not taking good care of myself. Um and and honestly, when I am at my capacity, I the first thing that goes is that self-care piece, or as I like to call it, mental hygiene, that I just let go of the things that are taking good care of me to so that I have that capacity. Um and and I find it funny um you and I look at this glass half full or half empty. You are looking at this level as overflowing like it, which is not good. I I want my cup to be full um so that I can pour into other people. If if it depletes, I'm not gonna have as much to pour into other people. Um but I understand the way you see it as well, and I think it's you know I I get it. We we do have to be concerned with you know, let's let's save a little reserve for those emergencies that we don't expect. You know, my wife on uh three days after uh we just had a wonderful New Year's and and um she got a call saying that you know her contract uh with the place that she worked for 18 years was not being renewed. You talk about you know bleeding that the reserves, right? Uh that hit us really hard. Um and it's you know still it's still impacting us. But now that I have gotten to this place where I understand how important that mental hygiene is, I think that's the first place I go now. As soon as extra stress hits, it's like, alright, I'm I'm gonna be walking more, I'm gonna be, you know, I I started um physical therapy um to just help help keep my physical health all the way around. Um and uh I'm feeling so much better and and like I played nine holes of golf on Friday that that uh it was probably the best golf I've ever played. Um but that's because I'm recognizing the need to keep filling that cup for me so that I have it.

SPEAKER_00 16:03

So let's uh and I I agree um different definitions. I think we're talking the exact same thing. Like I fully believe that my cup has to be full if I'm going to pour into others. Couldn't agree more. Um, I call that gifts uh and blessings that we have that we're able to help others with, um, stuff that we've learned along the way that we're able to help impart to others and maybe just love on them a little bit. Right. Um, with the capacity aspect, let's talk about what are some signs or indicators that maybe you've taken on too much, maybe you have too much capacity or too much anxiety. I like what you talked about with reserve, and I'm gonna close this out later with uh a story on reserve. Um, but what are some indicators of too much capacity? And also what does a reserve look like?

SPEAKER_02 16:53

So for me, the very like I said earlier, the first thing that happens to me when when I uh am completely stressed or or getting to that that level is I start to to uh reduce my self-care. So when when I recognize that, okay, you know, I I like to take at least 10,000 steps a day, at the very least. Um, and if I start to go under that, it's like, all right, I I it almost tells me what's going on. Like, I am I stressed about something in particular. Um I I just find uh and I like to read, I like to um uh walk my dog, I love spending time with my dog. Uh when these things start to diminish, uh then it's like it's it's like, okay, Dom, what's going on? Why why are you not giving this the attention that you're so it's it's almost the absence of with the diminishing versus maybe something else portrayed.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

The things that I exercise in self-care, therefore, don't happen, and then they go away.

SPEAKER_02 18:14

That's that's the first sign for me that I'm I'm stressed, and that's when it's like it's almost like you need to do these things.

SPEAKER_00 18:25

So I've been stressed this week. Um, I have been beating myself up for not going to the gym. Uh, have a membership of Plan of Fitness. I go pretty regularly during the week. Um, but then I have to give myself grace in knowing that, hey, I I've walked at the cemetery two or three times this week for about two to three miles uh each time. Um place I like to go and like to walk because there's all different roads and kind of serpentine around. But, you know, that's just something that is different for everybody. And it and it changes for the seasons. Like, for example, in the spring, summer, and fall, I really enjoy getting outside. I really like that vitamin D. So am I taking the time to get some sunshine and to let some nature rub on me? Um, or am I just so busy inside that I can't even do that? A friend of mine told me the other day, he goes, Man, I came home from work. I was so stressed and so exhausted. I went up to my bedroom. I sat in my chair in my bedroom and just stared straight ahead until it was time to get in the shower and go to bed. And I was like, man, I can relate with that some days. Um, so I think those indicators, I think it's interesting when you said it's almost a lack thereof. If you exercise good self-care to begin with, it's it's a lack of what does a reserve look like for you as far as being able to have a reserve? You mentioned that.

SPEAKER_02 19:43

Yeah. So I know that uh my journey, my my goal in life is to serve others. Um so if I'm gonna do that, I have to have enough uh reserve uh to be able to serve and reserve to serve.

SPEAKER_00 20:15

Um just come up with something. I think so. Reserve reserve.

SPEAKER_02 20:21

Um so I have to take care of myself, and that is you know, I I have routines. Um you know, you mentioned um personal hygiene. Uh that's certainly you know important, uh, but the the things that I do for my mental hygiene, um, you know, qigong movement, walking on the beach, walking through the marsh, um and looking at nature, just being mesmerized by nature. Um even in the dark, walking at night and just seeing all the stars and and just the wonderment of you know this creation. Like, and we know so very little about all of it. Um you know, we we have scientists that are are learning, but every day they're finding out new and new things, and sometimes it it some of the things they're learning you know changes some of the beliefs that that we have had for years and years. So I I get intrigued by all of this. And um you know, I'm I'm looking out my window right now and and the wind is just blowing. Uh and the the leaves and the trees are just like moving all around and I that is part of where I get my reserve just from thinking about that we are just a small little drop in this very big ocean of life. And we know so little. So for me uh learning and and growing uh is what really helps me with my reserves.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Yeah. I love that. I used to be an avid hunter, an avid fisherman um growing up, and I would much rather get out there and take pictures of wildlife uh than shoot them anymore. Um nothing against hunting, nothing against eating uh animals or anything like that. I just really enjoy watching nature. I enjoy, I never knew how many red tail hawks uh were around here, or barn owls uh that you know nested in my back trees, or raccoons that had a nest in one of my you know um falling down trees, just different things like that. When it comes to reserve, I want to bring this full circle to what we started with, um, with the question of maybe having the capacity with the definition I've been using of 100% capacity and flowing over being too much, uh, not like you know, the Psalms passage in the Bible about my cup runneth over in a good way, full of blessings and abundance. Um, but the capacity definition, maybe it's not a matter of keeping it at 50% and therefore allowing yourself if uh ancillary outside, you know, things uh push you over the limit, you'll still have that ability to be able to be at you know the top. Maybe it really comes down to staying, you know, full and in uh gift giving and helping others, and putting it that way, gift giving, not really an obligation or committee or board necessarily, it could be. Uh, but then having that reserve. So maybe the reserve really, by definition, looks like self-care and and just giving yourself a little extra self-care during the week, then maybe what you think you need to get by in order to know that that will be need to be used in some capacity in the near future.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

Absolutely. You hit the nail on the head.

SPEAKER_00 24:25

I solved it.

SPEAKER_02 24:26

Um yeah, and you know, you you were talking about um nature and and you know, on my walks, there there's a a bald eagle nest that's like I we don't really have blocks here on the island, but uh it's probably a block away from from where we we live on top of a water tower. And every morning walk in the dog, you know, there's eagles that are looking down upon us. Uh there's there's this is a natural um habitat for wildlife, so there's tons of deer, and I'm so glad to hear that you know you don't shoot them anymore. Not that there's anything wrong with hunting, uh, but on this island, um we have so many bucks that hunters would love to you know have the their antlers on the wall. Um but uh I I I didn't realize so this this is something and this is what I'm talking about that I love learning. But until I moved here, I didn't realize that um bucks would shed their antlers every year and then grow new ones. And I I just never knew that um because I haven't been a hunter. Um but like that that's the kind of stuff that fills my cup when when I'm learning about these things that our universe uh provides for us, and like how little did I know before and and and I still don't know nearly enough, but it's my learning. Yeah, learning is is something that really does uh help my reserve.

SPEAKER_00 26:16

You know, and for our listeners out there, don't worry, I also get jealous when I hear Don talking about living on an island and walking on the beach every morning. So you're not the only one. You're not weird as a listener that uh you're like, man, that must be really nice. So um I I also have those feelings. Uh no, and and also to our listeners, I'm fully aware that terms like self-care and mental hygiene might be totally foreign to you. Um, it's something that I've had to grow into and I've really embraced and adopted it uh because I think that um it's life is lacking if you don't have those two aspects in there. Uh, because it's absolutely important, especially if you're a caregiver, uh, to really make sure that you are taking care of yourself and to Don's definition of refilling that vessel uh before you pour yourself back out. So I wanted to share a little story. Um, when I was probably 12 years old, my brother was probably almost 15 years old. Um, my mom and my brother and I went to a neighborhood yard sale. It was an estate sale, the man had passed away, and the wife had a bunch of fishing equipment out. And there was this illustrious jockey stow um uh scuba tank with uh one of those uh jockey stow regulators and a weight belt. So after my brother and I begged mom to buy it, uh, she did, and we went down to my neighbor, Mr. McCurdy's farm pond uh next door to us. And um my brother said, Well, I'm the older brother, so I'll go ahead and put the uh scuba tank on and the weight belt and uh put the regulator in his mouth. There was a little dock there, and he jumped off the dock. And at that point, we thought the water was like 30 feet deep, but it was probably only about 10, 12 feet deep, probably at the end of the dock. And it was a farm pond, so it was just solid, you know, mushy mud, you know, down at the bottom. And my brother jumped off and he uh went straight to the bottom, obviously with the weight belt on. And a few minutes later, I see him walking up the bank of the farm pond uh next to the dock. And I'm laughing at him because I'm like, why is he walking in that mud? You know, why is he not just swimming? Well, he gets down there and he takes one breath. He turned the oxygen on, but didn't realize that it was out of oxygen. And there was a reserve uh valve that he could pull on the side of the tank and he pulled it, you know, and the reserve oxygen was also out. Uh so he had to walk up the bank with his shoes got stuck in the mud. He had shoes on. He was able to get out of his shoes and he had to walk up the bank with the weight belt on because he couldn't figure out in the murky water and the heat of the moment how to get it off. And he almost died. And I'm laughing because I had no idea. Um, so I think that that is uh sometimes we're that scuba diver. Sometimes we're without oxygen, and those watching us from the outside think that life is just funny and and grand, and they might be totally experiencing a whole different thing than us. So I do find it very um satisfying as an illustration for what we're talking about to make sure with the self-care aspect that one, you have oxygen in your tank, and two, that you also have a reserve like we've been talking about.

SPEAKER_02 29:41

Love that. Uh great metaphor for what we're talking about. And I mean, as I was listening to your story, it um I mean it makes perfect sense that this is what we need to do. Um and you know as caregivers, that's one thing, but even as grievers, um you know, weavers are caring for other people too. Um doesn't go away. Um you know, you're weird it's just something that we have to maintain our mental hygiene. Um I'm glad that you explained it, Greg, because it's it is important. Uh and it's when we're in grief, it's something that we easily can forget to do.

SPEAKER_00 30:44

So in summation, Don, we always bring it full circle, turning grief into growth. Kind of hard to turn it into growth if you're over capacity, if you're not experiencing or expressing um mental hygiene, experiencing self-care in your life. So, again, uh we've gone over some of the facets of what we do from nature to the gym to breathing exercises, uh, to not to learning to say no, to not taking on too much stuff. Um so just encourage everybody in this episode take inventory of your life, take inventory about uh what is worthwhile and what can you cut out, um, and make sure that you are um also selflessly thinking of yourself but others as well, and uh try to put others above yourself, but not at the cost of your mental hygiene. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:42

Yeah, it's vitally important that we if we're gonna be there to to care for anyone else, other people, uh we have to we have to take care of ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 31:55

Put that oxygen mask on yourself first. All right, until next time.

unknown 31:59

Bye.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to listen. We hope turning grief into growth spoke to your heart and becomes a part of your own journey of healing and transformation. If you know someone who could use a little hope, please share this episode with them. And don't forget to follow, like, or subscribe on your favorite platform so you don't miss what's coming next. Don and I can't wait to share more conversations to help you keep turning your grief into growth. Until next time.