You’re not the only woman in that relationship. S2 Ep8

You’re not the only woman in that relationship.

In this episode of SUITT and Boot, we break down the mother wound in men and how unresolved family dynamics show up in love.

If you’ve ever felt like you were competing for space in your own relationship, this episode will give you the clarity you’ve been missing.

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Transcript

Speaker 0:00

People say men are unavailable. But what if they were never taught to be emotionally available in the first place? Welcome back to Suitt and Boot, where we stand up in truth, transformation. When people think of mother wound they usually think of women but men have mother wounds too they just exhibit it differently. Now, a man with a mother wound may have experienced inconsistency emotional absence overdependence control or emotional enmeshment, and all of that shapes how he shows up in love, how to communicate, how to separate love from obligation. Then what you call emotionally unavailable is often someone who was never trained. They were just never shown how to be a man, how to function. And I didn't just learn this from theory. I lived it. I could see that he didn't have a consistent foundation. When I look back now, I can see that he didn't have a consistent foundation growing up. He lived in different places. For example, with his grandmother, his aunt, his father at one point, and then his mom for a few years. He only lived with his mom for about seven years. Pieces of structure. Our foundation was built upon the sand. Then, as an adult at forty something, his mother re-entered his life in a different way. Her marriage had ended, and she came into our space, not gradually, not intentionally, just inserted. Because this is something people don't talk about enough. We don't talk about this enough. Because we think that to take in the in-law, we're just supposed to just drop our lives. And there was no discussion. Because when she came into our home, it felt like I was in a threesome sense, but in a relational sense, my husband building a life together. Her rules, her traditions, her expectations. And here's the thing: she came in from a place where her life had shifted. Because since her marriage ended, and instead of rebuilding her life on her own, separate and apart, in her own space, she stepped into ours. If I didn't wake up early, if I didn't make breakfast, there was judgment, not in words, in looks, in mannerisms, in whispers to others. There was commentary. There were conversations about me, what I didn't do for him. All this behind my back. Even things like washing my clothes. My personal things, my underwear, things I never asked for were invaded. And what that invasion does, let me just tell you what it did to me. It slowly removes your autonomy as a woman, as a partner, as an adult. You are being treated like someone under supervision. Roles get confused. She doesn't know I'm a grown man. Moons Domo, I'm not a baby. But he would never say it to her. Yeah. Publicly. That is emotional enmeshment. That is when a man knows something is off, feels it, sees it, but doesn't have the tools to separate from it. And when you combine that with pressure, with infidelity, with outside dynamics. Now you don't have you now you don't have a relationship. You have a sister. They don't function. They collapse, they fall apart. There was a point where everything escalated, and I reached a breaking point from all of us being in the house and everything that was going on. And I reacted in a way that I'm not proud of. And I share that because this is what happens when you stay in something. That pressure, it didn't stop. The demands didn't stop. The dynamic didn't stop. Why would it? Nothing has changed. Where there are no boundaries, distance doesn't fix the problem. This is why some men struggle to commit. Now let's score finagle this situation because why not? Right says to state, avoid, don't confront insight. Choose differently. In law dynamics like this without boundaries are difficult to sustain in a relationship. Let that permeate. Because in my experience, it did not work. Not once, not twice, it ain't a work. And I don't recommend it. I don't recommend ever stepping into that. And even then, there's no guarantees because it's not meant to be that way. Because in the Bible it says in Genesis, when a man and a woman are married, they leave their father and their mother and cleave to their wife. Now, if you're a man listening to this, this is not about blame. This is about awareness. You can't give what you were never taught how to hold. But you can learn it. Yes, you can definitely learn it. And if you're on the other side of this, understand something. Just choosing a person. You're stepping into their pattern. This has been suit and boot. Standing up in truth, transformation, and breaking out of trauma. Now, if this episode resonated with you, go to scorfinago.com and take the quiz. Find out how you've been dealing with your survival patterns. And I'll be doing my first Scorpionagel workshop on May thirteenth. So after you take the quiz, you feel free to join the workshop, Nagel. I scorphenagle. Do you?