You Saw the Red Flags... So Why Did You Stay?

You saw the red flags.

The inconsistency. The emotional distance. The excuses. The breadcrumbs.

So why did you stay?

In this powerful episode of SUITT & Boot, Tshai Wright explores the hidden survival patterns that keep people trapped in unhealthy relationships long after they recognize something is wrong.

From father wounds and mother wounds to overfunctioning, self-abandonment, and trauma-driven loyalty, this conversation reveals why awareness alone isn't enough. Sometimes the issue isn't that we missed the red flags—it's that we explained them away.

If you've ever found yourself holding onto potential while reality was standing right in front of you, this episode is for you.

Because healing begins when you stop asking, "Why did they do that?" and start asking, "Why did I stay?"

Take the free Survival Pattern Quiz at scorphenegle.com and begin your journey from survival to sovereignty.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

You saw the inconsistency you saw the emotional unavailability.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

You saw the disappearing acts. You saw the mixed signals. You saw the excuses. You saw the lack of effort. You saw the bread crumbing. And then you explained it.

SPEAKER_02 0:51

You justified it. You renamed it. You negotiated with it. The problem was not that you missed the red flags.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

The problem is you saw them and stayed anyway.

SPEAKER_02 2:33

Where we stand up in truth, transformation, and we break out of trauma. Where we score for an eagle and break every chain and take back our reign. Now, the last time we were here, we talked about the chemistry of a woman with a father wound and a man with a mother wound. And we talked about what happens when the woman, when that father wound and the man with that mother wound, they get together and they form what they think is chemistry. They form what they think is a bond and what they think is magical. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's a pattern and a familiarity that we're used to from our past that we were trained to think is love, that we were thinking to associate certain things with love that necessarily don't move us forward and don't support our interests. And let me tell you, judging from the messages and the comments about last week episodes, I think the conversation hit a nerve. I've gotten instant messages, DMs about this episode. And let me tell you, I get it. A lot of people started realizing something. The same way that I started to gradually realize something. Maybe I wasn't in love. Maybe these feelings that I was having, they weren't love. Maybe I was falling into familiarity. Like you've seen this before. Maybe in your childhood, maybe in your friendships, your professional relationships. It's a pattern. Now, if you saw the red flags, why did you stay? That's what we're going to talk about tonight. Why did you keep investing? Why did you keep hoping? Why did you keep explaining things?

SPEAKER_01 5:13

And why did we keep giving second chances?

SPEAKER_02 5:21

Why did you keep waiting for potential while reality was standing right in front of you?

SPEAKER_01 5:49

Because this is what I learned.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

Most people they don't ignore red flags, they rename them. And let me tell you what are some of these red flags that we rename. Disrespect becomes stress. Neglect becomes I'm too busy. Emotional unavailability becomes independence.

SPEAKER_01 6:26

Breadcrumbs become potential. Control becomes protection.

SPEAKER_02 6:39

People pleasing becomes kindness. Self abandonment that becomes loyalty. Because if we call something what it actually is, we may have to do something about it.

SPEAKER_01 7:16

And that's uncomfortable. Now let me give you some examples.

SPEAKER_02 7:31

Okay? Let's say, for example, he disappears for three days, and men, I'm not picking on you. Okay? No text, no call, no explanation. Then he comes back and he says, I've just been busy. Now, instead of saying, no, this is not respectful to me. I'm not okay with this.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

That doesn't work for me. You say I understand.

SPEAKER_02 8:17

You have a lot on your plate. I know you've been busy, and thank you for respect taking the time to spend with me. No, you don't understand. You abandoned yourself in that scenario. Now there's a difference. Maybe every time you bring up an issue, they turn it. They turn it around on you, and now somehow it's your fault. Somehow you've been doing something wrong.

SPEAKER_01 8:57

And now you're apologizing for the thing, that very thing that hurt you. Make it make sense.

SPEAKER_02 9:13

Now you leave every conversation with that person totally confused. And now you're questioning yourself. What did I do wrong? What did I say wrong? You're questioning your memory. You're questioning your feelings, even though, honey, you know something feels off.

SPEAKER_01 9:41

And instead of calling it manipulation, you tell yourself, maybe I am too sensitive.

SPEAKER_02 10:09

Or think about this other scenario. You are the one carrying the entire relationship. Have you ever thought about that? You're planning, you're calling, you're checking in, you're fixing, initiating, holding everything like Atlas with the weight of the world on your shoulders. And you're just holding everything together.

SPEAKER_01 10:43

Just hoping that everything is going to change.

SPEAKER_02 10:51

And then one day you stop, and the entire relationship collapses.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

You know why? You were not in a partnership.

SPEAKER_02 11:11

You were in a life support system. You were in survival mode.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

We don't ignore red flags. We rename them. And every time we rename these red flags, you're renaming the pattern. And the pattern, it survives.

SPEAKER_02 11:51

Now, let me just tell you, honey, the attorney in me, beam, bim. Now let me put that attorney hat on, okay? So because some of us, we have been conducting a whole kind of investigation into a relationship. A whole wrong kind of examination. Yep. Now, as lawyers, when we see inconsistencies, we're supposed to cross-examine, we're supposed to question further. We challenge, we verify, we test. But for some of us, when something seems off, we ain't cross-examining these red flags. Instead, we are directing them. We are letting them tell a story, tell their story, and we're helping them.

SPEAKER_01 13:19

We're filling in the blanks for the red flags.

SPEAKER_02 13:27

How are we doing that? We're making excuses. We're strengthening their case for them.

SPEAKER_01 13:46

For example, he had a difficult childhood. She's been through a lot. She's very emotional. He doesn't know how to communicate. Or she's just stressed. He'll change. She means well.

SPEAKER_02 14:26

And baby, let me just tell you what we're doing here. You're building a stronger case for their behavior than you're building for your own peace.

SPEAKER_01 14:52

You are acting like opposing counsel against yourself. This is what losing yourself looks like.

SPEAKER_02 15:06

Now, let me just talk about the ego in scorfenagle, because you knew we were gonna get there. We're gonna scorfenagle our way through life, and this is what it's about because I'm putting this into perspective. Because right now, what we're talking about, this is eagle territory, insight, awareness, observation territory. So put your thinking caps on, baby. Because the eagle, it sees everything. The eagle sees the contradiction. The eagle sees the broken promises.

SPEAKER_01 15:48

The eagle sees the inconsistencies. The eagle sees the effort, the imbalance. The eagle sees the emotional distance. The problem isn't seeing.

SPEAKER_02 16:21

The problem is moving. What is the next step? And that's where some of us get stuck. Some of y'all don't need more awareness. I certainly didn't. I don't need more awareness. I know what's up. You need more courage. Because let us be honest here, you already knew I already knew. I saw the text.

SPEAKER_01 16:57

I felt the distance. I noticed the excuses. And so do you. But here's what happened. We fell in love with potential. And potential? That has trapped a lot of good people. Because, honey, potential is seductive. Potential is hopeful. Potential is whispers.

SPEAKER_02 17:58

They'll grow, they'll heal, they'll become who I know that they can be.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

And before you know it, you're no longer dating reality. You're dating a possibility. You are loving somebody for who they could become while they keep showing you who they are. You fell in love with their future. They kept introducing you to their present.

SPEAKER_02 19:19

Now let's just talk about this fantasy that a lot of us have. The rescue fantasy. And this is for us overfunctioners, and baby, I know I'm an overfunctioner.

SPEAKER_01 19:34

The father wounds, the helpers, the fixers, the ride or die crowd. You think if I love them enough, if I support them enough, if I stay just enough, if I understand them enough, then you think eventually they'll transform. But now you're exhausted. You're overwhelmed. Because you're not in a relationship at that point. You're managing a renovation project. You're dating blueprints. And you're not building anything. You in love with potential, not reality.

SPEAKER_02 21:24

Now I always gotta talk about this marriage, honey, because it was most of my life. And now looking back at it, I see a lot of things that I couldn't see then. And it wasn't because I was an idiot or I was stupid, no, and neither is anybody else that's going through this and experience any of that. No, and it wasn't because I was blind either, because I saw the red flags, and it wasn't because I wasn't aware.

SPEAKER_01 22:03

I saw things. I felt things. I knew things. I felt emotionally alone. I felt exhausted. I felt like I was carrying more than my share. But I kept telling myself marriage is hard. Relationships take work. Nobody's perfect. And all of those things are true. Absolutely one hundred percent true.

SPEAKER_02 23:09

But eventually, I had to ask myself, am I working on a relationship?

SPEAKER_01 23:20

Or am I working around a pattern? I had to I had to really think about it. Because those are two different things. And let me tell you, that question changed everything. It changed everything for me. So here's the question. Why do we stay?

SPEAKER_02 24:04

Familiarity that feels safe. Because hope feels better than grief, so we cling to hope. Because letting go of the full-inish feels like failure. Because we've already invested so much time and we remember the good times.

SPEAKER_01 24:39

Because we're waiting for the version of the person that we originally met. We're waiting for those that person to come back. Huh?

SPEAKER_02 24:56

But here's what healing eventually asks a different question. And the question is not whether you love the person or not. Nah. But the question is this does staying cost me myself? Does it cost you?

SPEAKER_01 25:25

Because at some point, loyalty becomes self-abandonment. And that's a price that is too hard to pay. And here, let me tell you.

SPEAKER_02 25:52

When I look back now, do you see all these accolades I have? When I look back now, I had lost to myself. That's why scorfinagle matters so much to me. I had to find myself and take it back, take back my reign, take back my autonomy. Because scorfinagel isn't really about red flags. It's not really about relationships. It's not even about trauma. Baby, let me tell you, Scorfinagle is about autonomy. It's about sovereignty. It's about putting on the mask on the airplane on yourself first before you assist others.

SPEAKER_01 26:49

It's about taking back your reign. Because here's what shocked me.

SPEAKER_02 27:03

I didn't realize how much of myself I had really, really lost. Nobody wakes up one day and says, Today I'm going to abandon myself.

SPEAKER_01 27:18

No. That's not how this happens. No.

SPEAKER_02 27:30

It happens slowly, gradually, piece by piece, crumb by crumb. One compromise, one excuse, one accommodation, one justification, one act at a time, one act of self abandonment.

SPEAKER_01 28:02

And then one day you wake up. And then you realize you're still here.

SPEAKER_02 28:17

But you're no longer driving. You're not in the driver's seat anymore. Somebody else is at the wheel.

SPEAKER_01 28:24

Somebody else's decisions are driving this. Do you know that this is a pattern that you have?

SPEAKER_02 28:36

And let me tell you, that realization, boom, that hit me hard. Because I thought I was making my own choices. Come on, I'm a lawyer. I have a few degrees, please. I thought I was being understanding, you know. I thought I could handle everything.

SPEAKER_01 28:57

I thought I was being loyal. I thought I was being loving.

SPEAKER_02 29:07

I thought I was doing it differently than my ancestors did it, than my mom and my dad. I thought I was doing it 100% different, and there's no way that the outcome would be what it is. But all of that, my survival patterns, those were making the decisions for me. My fears, my anxiety, those were making the decisions. What are the things I didn't want to relive that I saw my childhood see? My wounds, those were making the decision, my daddy wounds, my mommy wounds, because I got some of those too. Those were driving me. Because I was thinking, I don't want to be like so-and-so, I don't want to do that, I don't want to be that. And in that, my need for familiarity was making those decisions. Because if I'm choosing just because I want to do the opposite of what they did, is that your choice? Is that my decision? And if something else is making your decisions for you, you've surrendered your autonomy, you handed away on a silver platter, and you didn't even realize it. But what happens when you become aware that you've handed out? Nothing is gonna change. You you surrendered it, and now you've realized it. You surrender your power, you surrendered your ray.

SPEAKER_01 30:39

And once you know, what happens? This is why I created this scorfinagle.

SPEAKER_02 30:49

And this is what scorfinagle asks. Are you choosing? Or are your patterns choosing for you? We don't even realize how important it is. We gotta find out first. And let me tell you something: the goal is not perfection, honey. Ain't nobody perfect. The goal is sovereignty, the goal is becoming conscious enough to take the steering wheel back.

SPEAKER_01 31:35

Get up and drive.

SPEAKER_02 31:41

The goal is recognizing when survival is driving.

SPEAKER_01 31:48

And then you gotta choose differently.

SPEAKER_02 31:57

That is what taking your in is all about. Cause sometimes we don't even know because we think we got it.

SPEAKER_01 32:06

Cause the patterns, familiarity will trick us.

SPEAKER_02 32:14

Now the lesson is not spotting the red flags. The lesson is trusting yourself when you spot these red flags. Because lit the issue is not awareness. You saw it, honey. You know what's going on. You feel it, you see it. The issue isn't that you're smart or you're intelligent. The issue is why does your survival pattern keep talking you out of what you already know? If this episode resonated with you, go to scorefinagle.com, S-C-O-R-P-H-E-N-E-G-L-E dot com. And I'm dropping it here. And take the journey from survival to sovereignty. Discover your pattern.

SPEAKER_01 33:20

And then you'll see the framework in action. And it's time to take the next step back to you. Because every single step you take is a step back to you.

SPEAKER_02 33:42

Thank you for watching suit and boot. Standing up in truth, transformation, and breaking out of trauma. I am Tishai Wright, your host. And it's time to suit up, boot out, and take back your reign. Until next time.