Fear Is Good For You

This week we're flipping the script on fear. Fear is not just the enemy we've been treating it as for years. In this episode of The 18 Minutes podcast I walk through the reframes that helped me come to love this work, including how fear builds your tolerance for discomfort, what it actually takes to move through fear (instead of around it), and how fear shows us what really matters to us. Plus a quick update on how the very first RECLAIM cohort is going (spoiler: incredible). Enjoy! 

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Transcript

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Welcome back to the 18 Minutes Podcast. I'm Amanda, and this is the show where we take everything that is confusing, scary, and isolating about fear and anxiety and worry, and we turn it into something you can actually work with. I'll admit up front that the title of today's episode was designed to catch your attention. Fear is good for you. Coming from the person who spends hours every week talking about how to overcome our fear problems, I get it. But I really do mean it. And I think by the end of this episode, you'll believe it too. For most of my life, my relationship with fear was awful. My perspective was that fear was the thing that was ruining my life. This thing that was like at war with me every single day. And as long as I saw it that way, I stayed stuck. I couldn't move forward when my entire orientation around fear was this thing should not exist. I can't handle this. I need to escape this. I need to fight against it, or otherwise just not experience this at all. But I came to understand something that I think is really important and I wanted to share with you. And that is fear is not the enemy. Fear is information, and fear is a teacher. So today we're going to walk through some of the ways that fear, even a fear that you've had for a long time, that you might have every single day, can actually be used as a tool to help you live the life you want. As always, I'm not a therapist or a medical professional. Everything I share on this show is based on my own experience with fear, my journey through overcoming fears, and the research that I do for the show. This is not a replacement for therapy or medical care. So please only take what's helpful to you, leave what isn't, and listen to your medical and mental health professionals first. If you're new here, welcome. Go hit follow or subscribe wherever you're listening because there's a new episode of the 18 Minutes Podcast that comes out every Friday morning. And I don't want you to miss the next one. If you're a regular listener, welcome back. Okay, a couple quick reminders just before I get started. If you ever have a question about my story, about how to move from a perspective of fear to one of freedom, or you just want to chat about things you're going through, I go live on TikTok every Thursday at 3 p.m. Central Time. And that is a great place to do just that. I would love to see you there. And while you're at it, if you haven't done so already, you can head to the18minutes.com and grab your free copy of the Fear to Freedom Guide. It's a one-page quick guide that talks about moving from fear to freedom, how I did it, and just sharing my experience and some tools that I learned with you. Grabbing that guide also signs you up for my weekly newsletter. I send one email a week every Monday morning with some encouragement, maybe some stories, a preview of the podcast. And I really love writing that letter every week. And a lot of people really like getting that first thing Monday morning too. So getting the free guide also gets you signed up for that newsletter. And that's the place where you'll find out first when the next reclaim group coaching sessions are coming up and any new resources or updates as well. Okay, let's talk about why I think fear is actually good for you. First, I want to acknowledge something really important, and that is that there is a type of fear, a type of fear experience that is useful. Your nervous system did not develop a fear response to torture you. It developed a fear response to keep you alive. If you're about to step into oncoming traffic, that spike of fear is going to save you. That's a good thing. If you are in a situation that is actually dangerous, your body sending you a signal to leave is a useful tool, right? That's helping you stay alive. That kind of fear is information that you want and need. The kind of fear that we usually talk about on this show is the kind that shows up when there's not actually danger present. Places like the grocery store, um, driving across town, even just laying in your bed, going to a restaurant, your body sends you the same kind of signals that it would if there was real danger present when there's no danger or no threat happening. And I want to point out that I don't believe that that's um an entirely broken system. I was living in that system for a long time. So I understand how that feels and what that's like. Um, what I believe is that that system, if that's what you're experiencing, um, your system is just miscalibrated. There are things that you can do to recalibrate that um that fear response. So when I say that fear is good for you, I'm not saying that I think every single alarm that your brain sends to you is useful or something that you should listen to. Some of those things are firing completely unnecessarily for sure. But the fear system itself can be used as a tool. And once you start using it and working with it instead of against it, I think your life will start to look a whole lot different. The first mindset shift that I want to give you is that fear is one of the best teachers for learning how to tolerate discomfort. And in my opinion, tolerance for discomfort is one of the most important life skills you could develop. Almost everything that's worth having that is outside of your comfort zone is going to require some level of discomfort, discomfort to get or to achieve. If you can't tolerate any discomfort or very little discomfort, you don't get access to those things. Or you grit your teeth and try it, but it doesn't feel rewarding because you were stressed and exhausted the entire time during the experience and afterwards. People who have lived with these major fear problems, people like you and me, have actually had kind of a crash course in tolerating discomfort. We have felt a lot of it. I'm sure there have been times where you have um stayed in a situation that made you feel very afraid that objectively was not dangerous. Um, and whether you did that intentionally or because for some reason you were stuck there, you stayed in a situation when your body was in full-on fight or flight mode. Every time you do that, you build a capacity for tolerating discomfort that a lot of people don't have. When you learn to use that capacity instead of just suffering through it, it becomes a real strength in every other part of your life as well. The thing that has been so hard for you is also the thing that's been teaching you a really valuable skill. The second reason I think that fear is good for you is because you have to feel fear all the way in order to move through it. This is closely related to tolerating discomfort, but I want to give it its own moment because I think that this specifically is where a lot of people tend to get stuck. The instinct when fear shows up is to fight against it in some way, to run away from the situation, um, to try to think your way into a different mindset or force yourself somehow to feel differently, um, or otherwise just avoid feeling afraid, feeling fear at all costs. And we build our whole lives around avoiding situations that make us feel afraid, and then we wonder why we never get free from it, or even that it feels like it's closing in on us. The truth is you can't go around fear and also leave it behind you. You have to go through it, you have to let it come up in your body and feel all the feelings-the heart racing, the chest tightening, um, the racing thoughts. You have to sit there um long enough to teach your brain and your body something different, which is that you are okay, that nothing terrible is happening, that these sensations, these feelings, however awful they are, are not something that is actually wrong for you. When you allow yourself to be taught a new lesson, something crazy happens. The fear loses its grip on you. Not because it goes away forever. I say this all the time. If you've listened to any of my content, you know that it's important that important to me that you understand that no one on earth never feels fear. Um, but it loses its grip on you because you're not scared of it anymore. And the version of you, your future self, who's not afraid of fear, is also the version of you who feels the most empowered, the most confident, and the most able and capable to try new things. Because there's no longer this big wall that you have to navigate around in your life. Um, you know you can be in the situation, feel what you feel, and come out on the other side. Okay. That is what feeling fear all the way through gives you. It gives you your own life back, and you need fear to be present to be able to feel it. And so, in that way, I think that fear is good for you. The third reason that I think fear is good is that it tests our values. It's easy to say what you value when there's nothing on the line. I value connection, I value adventure, I value showing up for my friends and family, I value honesty and authenticity. We all have a list of things that we say we care about. Fear can reveal to us what we really care about. Situations or circumstances that make you feel afraid are where you find out whether or not you're actually willing to live out the values you claim. Because when fear shows up and tells me, don't go do that thing that your friend invited you to, that is a moment where my value of showing up for my friends actually is on the line. When I feel fear around traveling to a new part of the world, and my fear says, I don't know, maybe we should just stay home. That sounds like a lot right now. My values of growth, adventure, curiosity, exploring are all tested. Every time you choose your values over fear, you are proving to yourself that you are the kind of person that you hope you are. When you choose fear over your values, you're telling a different story. Fear is where you find out which one of those things you're doing more often, and it can be a huge motivator to overcome fear in your in your life and grow capacity for living out your values, even when it's nerve-wracking. And honestly, this is one of the reasons why I love this work so much. Because fear isn't just trying to limit you, it's showing you what's actually important to you. The things you want most to do or to have or to experience are usually at least a little scary. And where that fear shows up is usually pointing at something really important. The fourth reason is one you've probably heard a hundred times, but I really want you to think about it in the context of your own life story. And that is that hardship is a growth opportunity. When I look back at the hardest stretches of my life, the years with uh living with panic disorder, agoraphobia, and the days where I was sure I could not handle another moment of it. Those are the stretches of my life that built almost everything I value about who I am now. The compassion I have for other people who are struggling, the grit I have to do hard things, the curiosity I have about the world, the self-trust and the self-confidence that I've built. Almost none of that came from the times of my life that were easy. It came from going through the hard times. And I also want to add that I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. Some hard things are just hard, they're not lessons in disguise or whatever. But what I do believe is that we have a real ability to extract growth from hardship if we choose to. Because it's not the hardship itself that grows us, it's our relationship to the hardship that does that. What you do with what you went through is what builds the version of you that comes out on the other side. So, fear, once you start to work with it instead of against it, becomes one of the most reliable growth tools you have. Another reason I think fear is good for you is that it is one of the clearest maps you have of the boundaries of your comfort zone. If you want to know where the edges of your life are right now, take a look at where fear shows up for you. Look at what makes you nervous just thinking about it. Think about what you're avoiding without totally admitting that you're avoiding it. That is the edge. And here's why this is a good thing. You can't expand your comfort zone if you can't see it. Fear, as uncomfortable as it is, is showing you the exact lines you would need to cross to grow. And knowledge really is power in this context. Knowing exactly where fear is showing up in your life, can maybe feel like you're just highlighting your weaknesses, but it can also be really empowering. It's great information. Every time you notice, oh, I'm afraid of that, that is data you can use to plan your next steps. So when fear shows up, even just a little bit, before you try to talk yourself out of it or make it go away, just notice what is it pointing at? What is right on the other side of it? That might be the next step to work toward expanding your life. Here's the last one I want to leave you with because it's my favorite and it's something that I would really love for you to carry with you for the rest of the day. Fear shows you what matters most to you. If you start paying attention, I think you'll notice that fear doesn't just show up randomly, it shows up around things you care about. We don't feel fear around the things we're indifferent to. We feel fear around things that matter to us. You might feel fear around a job interview that could literally change your life. You might feel fear around your physical or your mental health. You might feel fear um going into a first date with someone who you really like, or around a trip that's far away from home that could really stretch you and grow you. Fear tends to show up where there are real stakes. So when your fear is extra loud, that's actually a piece of information about you. It's telling you what's meaningful to you. So when you start to pay attention to moments that fear is the loudest, you might start to learn what really matters to you. And a lot of us spend a lot of energy trying to make fear go away so we can finally get to the things that we want. But what if it's the other way around? What if fear is a path that's leading us to the things we want most? You don't have to wait for fear to leave before you go after them. The fear is part of how you find them in the first place. This gets me so excited because for me, the same fear that was making my life smaller when I finally started using it as a tool and viewing it as a tool in my life, I realized that in a lot of ways it was actually pointing me toward what I wanted and who I really was deep down. And I think your fear might be doing the same thing. Okay, so to recap, we need fear to keep us safe. Fear is a tool to help us build our tolerance for discomfort. And we need fear to be present to be able to feel it all the way through and move through it. Fear tests our values, maps out our comfort zone, and offers us a major growth opportunity. It also acts as a compass to show us what matters most to us. All of that is why I believe when it really comes down to it, that fear is good for you. And that is all for today's episode. I wanted to give you a quick update on the Reclaim group coaching sessions. Um, we just had our first session, and it was incredible to say the least. We are doing this exact work. The four shifts that I talked about on last week's episode and these frames from today. In real time with real support with real people. I am loving it. I'm so excited for next week. And honestly, this cohort is going to keep me more accountable than I realized to keep doing my own work over coming here. It's been a very unexpected but very welcome thing about doing this with a group. If you're kicking yourself for missing out on this one, I will be announcing the next cohort soon. If you want to be the first to hear about it before it sells out, you can head to th18minutes.com and sign up for that newsletter. If you have questions about today's episode or you have a topic you want me to dive into on the show, feel free to reach out at Amanda at the18minutes.com or send me a DM on TikTok or Instagram at the18 Minutes. As a reminder, I do go live on TikTok every Thursday, 3 p.m., and I would love to hang out with you there too. If today's episode meant something to you, please follow or subscribe wherever you are so you don't miss the next one. If you have a second, please consider leaving a rating or review. Those are super helpful in other people finding this show. Thank you so much for being here, and we'll see you next time.