High-Functioning Anxiety

Today we're talking all about high-functioning fear and anxiety. What's behind the choices we're making, and how do we live a more free and open life? Living with high-functioning anxiety can hide some of our motives from even ourselves, and today's episode highlights what that can look like and how to get out of the loop. Enjoy! 

Get your FREE Fear to Freedom Guide here! 

 TikTok: @heyamandaklay

Instagram: @heyamandaklay

YouTube: @heyamandaklay

Email: amanda@amandaklay.com 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:22

Welcome back to the 18 Minutes Podcast. I'm Amanda, and I'm happy to be chatting with you today about high functioning fear and anxiety. Before I get started, if you have been listening to this podcast and you find it helpful, please hit follow or subscribe wherever you're listening. It's really helpful in other people finding this show and getting help themselves. And that is my only intro. I'm keeping it quick and simple today. I wanted to talk about high-functioning fear because a lot of people don't consider themselves to have high anxiety or to be fearful people. But there are anxious, fearful patterns that are hiding someone in their lives, being sneaky, affecting the way that they think, feel, and behave. And they maybe don't even realize that's what's going on. When I started sharing my story and giving people tips and telling people that they should go to therapy to seek out an exposure or a therapist who specializes in exposure therapy, there have been several people, a handful of people in my own life who have come up to me or sent me a message and told me that they have fear and anxiety, or that fear, anxiety, nervousness, worry is affecting their life to a degree that they are not totally comfortable with. And it's really interesting because as someone who experienced panic disorder and agoraphobia and these very intense feelings, it seemed like from the outside, it would have been so obvious to the people in my life that I was struggling with something because it's so intense. The feelings are so massive that, you know, how could somebody not know that I'm feeling nervous or feeling anxious when I am feeling these really intense feelings? But all of these people in my own life who have told me that they struggle with these things, it's the same situation. I had no idea that these people were anxious or fearful or had um avoidant behaviors like at all. So that's why I'm calling this episode high-functioning fear, because so many people have these patterns of avoidance and they make decisions based on fear without even realizing it, and they end up looking and really being very high-functioning. People who can hold jobs, can go to social events, maybe who are even overachieving at those things. But fear is still a driving factor in their life. So I do believe that this practice, these practices I talk about that helped me overcome things like panic disorder and agoraphobia can help anyone. And I mean that because we all have some level of avoidance or negative patterns that are affecting our lives that we want to change. So I want to talk about this specifically. It really broadens it. So if you have um people in your life who don't necessarily have like panic disorder or generalized anxiety disorder, um, but maybe are overachievers or kind of like eldest daughter syndrome, like moi, then this would be a really good episode for those people too, because it's about um more general fear and anxiety and nervousness and worry in the patterns underneath it all. So before we get started, I want to remind you that I am not a therapist or a medical professional. Everything that I share on this show is based on my own experience with disordered anxiety, my experience and journey overcoming those things, and research that I do for this show. It's not a replacement for therapy, so please take only what's helpful to you, leave anything that isn't, and talk to your medical and mental health professionals first. Okay, so I have a little list here of things called what it can look like. Um there are a lot of ways that high-functioning fear, anxiety, worry, nervousness, whatever you want to call it, can present itself. So the first one that I think um is just really common, and there can be lots of reasons for this, is saying something that starts with, I just don't and then blank, whatever, fill it in with whatever applies to you. I just don't do crowds, I just don't uh fly on airplanes, I just don't like eating at restaurants, things like that. And I think this goes hand in hand with the like introversion, extroversion, extroversion conversation, which I've talked about before, and before I say anything about it, introversion and extroversion are real things. Some people are introverted and they have um, they're more drained by social activities being around people and they get energy from being alone, and vice versa, with extroverted people, they get drained by spending too much time alone and they get energy by being around people. Those are real um patterns that people have. My only extra little caveat to that is that I think some people who say they're introverted or say they're extroverted are actually behaving in patterns that are based in fear. And again, this is my hot take as someone who is not a therapist. I have not gone to school for psychology at all. I'm just fascinated by it, and I have a lot of experience with uh mental health issues, so that's where this is coming from. But I do think that when somebody says something like, I just don't do crowds, what is the reason behind that? Does it, is it something that um you can't do, something that you just don't really like, or is it something you are avoiding from a a desire or a need within you to not feel anxious or afraid? Because if that's the case, that is something you can undo. That's something you can practice rewiring your brain to adjust to, and that's what I talk about all the time. The overarching theme of everything that I did to change my life in a complete 180 um is building the tolerance for discomfort. So I used to hate crowds. I used to hate crowds, I used to hate traveling, I used to hate eating at restaurants, I used to hate, I mean, I used to hate leaving my house um altogether. And now I love those things because I rewired my brain, I practiced new behaviors and then um subsequently made new neural pathways in my brain to have a higher tolerance to discomfort, to the point where certain things do not make me uncomfortable anymore. And not only that, I love doing them. They make me very comfortable and very happy. So this is really for people who are not happy with the level of avoidance they currently have in their lives. If you're somebody who doesn't like crowds, doesn't like traveling, doesn't like eating at restaurants, and you're good with that, then that's great. This is all about workability and living the kind of lives we want. So I was not okay personally with not tolerating crowds well, including um concerts, sporting events, restaurants, um, things like that. I wanted to be able to participate in those things, and I found them so stressful that I was unwilling to participate, and that is why I decided to make a change. So anything that you're avoiding, like crowds, flying restaurants, whatever it is, and it's negatively impacting your life in some way, you can practice increasing your tolerance for the distress that those things are causing you. And I'm getting a little ahead of myself because I decided that I'm not gonna use AI anymore to organize my outline. And I just have like a little list of notes here, like talking points, so that it's more organic and free-flowing. And I realize the cost of that is this is gonna be a little bit more chaotic than normal. But I just want to be more real and authentic with you, and I'm trying to use AI thoughtfully. On that note, since the episode I put out a few weeks ago about using AI when we're feeling anxious, I feel like I have learned so much more about AI, which is how it goes. I was like looking into it, I was researching it, I was reading things, and now everything that comes up is about AI, and I've watched more YouTube videos and I've read more articles about AI and chatbots and all kinds of things. So um I'm using it even more thoughtfully than I thought I was previously, and one of the ways I'm doing that is taking any of my work that is creative or relational, and I'm doing it myself and I'm not using AI. So if this episode is crazy to you, I apologize, but it's important to me. So thank you for sticking with it. Back to my notes. Okay, the next way that high-functioning fear can present itself that I've seen is sticking heavily to routines. So if you are someone who has a daily routine, you have a morning routine, you do the same thing in the middle of the day, and then you have an evening and nighttime routine, and you have to stay within those routines. And you tell yourself, or maybe you tell other people, like, I'm just really type A. I love things to be super, super organized. I love things to be the same every single day. That's great. Why are you doing that? I think there are a lot of reasons why you're doing that. That could be really healthy. If you're doing it because you like organization and it makes you feel good and it helps you maximize your productivity and that's one of your main goals right now, then that's great. If you're doing those things because you are terrified of how you will feel if one of those things is out of order, if you don't wake up at 6 a.m. and get out of bed, if you don't exercise at 7 a.m., if you don't eat your same breakfast at 8 a.m., how you're worried that you're gonna feel anxious, maybe worried, nervous, off, and you don't think you can handle that. That could be something you want to work on. One of the reasons I think it's good to take a look at how, because I'm an oldest daughter, I'm very, I consider myself moderately type A. I love organization, I love routines. I started bullet journaling again recently. I just my my closet is color-coded. Like I love organization. However, I think it's good based on my own experience to test these things out because a lot of times when we are someone who is really type A and has these strict routines, we often say no to other things that don't work within these routines or these organizational systems. And those things could really benefit our lives. For example, you might have a really strict weekday routine and you say no to anything that is like a social event in the evening, or maybe you say no to alcohol on every single weekday, no matter what if you're a person who consumes alcohol at all, and you're actually then missing out on potential connection and fun and enjoyment with people you care about if you say no to something because you have a rule or a principle about it. And it can be really good for you if saying yes to something that doesn't fit into your routine causes you a little bit of stress. It can be good to move through that and accept that feeling and that potential negative outcome for the sake of the potential positive outcome. You end up with probably having a good experience if it's people that you like. And then you also have the added benefit of rewiring your brain to handle that level of distress better in the future when something that is necessary comes up, because we've all had situations, we all will have situations where we have our week perfectly planned out and something completely unexpected happens that we have to change our routine for. So if we don't have that built-up tolerance for change and flexibility and discomfort, that kind of unexpected event that interrupts our weekly routine is going to be so much harder for us than if we're occasionally willing to break out of that and do something that pushes our boundaries a little. Okay, another one is having a safe person that you do everything with. This used to be me, big time. I, at a certain point when I was agoraphobic and had full-blown panic disorder, I found that I could do certain things if I had my husband with me or a close family member. So I could go to the grocery store if he drove me and walked through the grocery store with me. I he couldn't even leave my side in the grocery store. Like I wouldn't walk down another aisle from him because I was severely agoraphobic. But uh having somebody to go do things with, even if you're a person that doesn't have what we call monophobias, like the fear of being alone or separation anxiety, um, you might only be willing to go certain places or do certain activities if you have a friend with you. This could be something that really opens up a whole new category of things for you if you are willing to test that boundary and do things alone. And this is a really exciting one for me because it's something I'm personally working on right now. I am a nervous flyer, I've said that a million times, but I've overcome flying used to be my biggest fear, and I refuse to do it. And now I do it several times a year. Um, I just always get nervous. Well, not even always, but usually I get nervous to fly to some degree. And I've never flown by myself. I've always gone with my husband or no, always with my husband every time. So um anyway, I'm working on building up my um tolerance for doing things alone. And I think it's really opening up a lot of fun opportunities for me. Going to a coffee shop to work just by myself in the quiet. Um, and then obviously like working my way up to traveling alone. There's gonna be a bunch of steps in there that I don't have planned out yet. But um yeah, I think that being willing to spend time by ourselves in places maybe we typically refuse to can open up a whole world, expand our world, expand our comfort zone in a big way. Okay, if you are somebody with high functioning fear or anxiety, this is something you might be doing. I'm not trying to call anyone out. I just know that I used to do this, and so I want to mention it because you're probably doing it too. It's making up excuses about why you can't do something. And I mean making up excuses like fabricating something that isn't true. Saying things like, I need to get to bed, like I have to get up early in the morning when you don't really, you're just anxious and you want to go home. Saying that you have other plans, like, oh no, I'm busy, that's not gonna work for me. Like, that is such an easy lie because nobody can check you on it. And the truth is you are probably afraid of something if that's what you're doing. You're afraid of participating in the thing in the first place. Maybe you don't want to go eat at a restaurant, or you don't want to travel, or you don't want to go to a concert, or maybe you're afraid of hurting that person's feelings by saying, that's like just not really for me. Um, but have a great time, you know? That's something that I struggled with as well, letting people down and disappointing people. The question is when we do this, like make up excuses to get out of things, who is that helping? We are not being our authentic to ourselves by lying to people. And in most cases, it's probably people we care about. It's our friends, our family, our coworkers. And lying to another person and saying you have plans when you don't, like it's not helping them. So the then it causes more stress and confusion when we make up excuses to get out of things that make us nervous. The best option, I think, in this case is actually to tell people that you're anxious about it. I know a lot of people are scared of that, but I have coached some people in um bringing up to their friends or family that they are anxious to do something they've been asked to do. And every time it has gone positively. I'm not saying that 100% of the time it does or will, but it can be a really great way to one, get out of the thing you don't want to do if it's absolutely that important to you that you not do it. You can just say, I'm feeling really anxious about that and I'm not feeling up for it. Okay, cool. Like, how is someone gonna argue with about that? Um, and then also it can be a great way to connect with people who care about you. If you are willing to be vulnerable with somebody, that like opens up this pathway for connection that's very deep. So um I think that's best case scenario. Second best is to just like say no, thank you. You know what I mean? Like, just don't lie about it. Being inauthentic is so bad for us, in my in my professional opinion. Um, it's just it causes, like I said, it causes stress, it causes confusion. We don't feel connected with ourselves when we're untruthful and like not living honestly. And that's a whole other podcast episode. There's a lot there, but yeah, be honest with people who care about you. Okay, a couple more. Um, the next one is something that you I think is really just a good opportunity if you have some time to just ponder. Maybe you're a journaler like me and you like to just write out some thoughts. This could be a good one to think about, and and it's attaching morality to things. So obviously, we all attach morality to things. We we call some things good, we call some things bad. So some of that can be a um come from a place of fear, and I think those are the things worth checking on. So, for example, I've heard a lot of people say, well, not in my personal life, but on the internet. A lot of people talk about how they don't travel, like they don't fly on airplanes because flying is bad for the environment. And I think most of us can understand and agree that that's true. Flying is not a net positive for the environment, it's bad for the environment. And so we attach morality to that. Going back to the excuses thing, if we are saying we don't fly because it's bad for the environment, and the truth is we're afraid to fly, and that is just a really easy way to get out of it. That might be something we want to work through and change and rewire. Another good example is alcohol. Drinking alcohol is bad for our bodies. That's true, it's been proven a million billion times, it's not good for us, and so some people choose not to do it, and that can be just fine. Some of us, I have done this, tell people that we don't drink alcohol because it's bad for us. And the truth is that we are terrified of the lack of control that comes with drinking alcohol or the bodily sensations that come with drinking alcohol. I hated when I was uh in my severe panic disorder era, how alcohol would make my heart race and I would have more heart palpitations. That is something that alcohol can do. And so I avoided it completely. I never drank alcohol for I don't know, a good period of time because I was scared of how it made me feel and my reasoning to other people or really to myself. I sort of tricked myself into saying, I don't drink because alcohol is not good for us and like I'm trying to be healthy. It started because I was afraid. And those other things are true, and that's a good reason not to do it if that's if that's how I actually felt, but it wasn't. I wasn't being honest about that. It was coming from a place of fear. You might even think that you shouldn't ask for a raise at your job because that would be greedy. That's a greed is bad. It's a bad thing to do. I should be happy and content with what I have and grateful for what I have. So asking for a raise is bad. I've attached morality to it. And that might be true. You can live that way if that's really what you believe. But maybe you want to ask yourself, is that really how I feel? Or am I afraid to ask for a raise? So all of these things, I'm clearly, I hope it's clear that I'm not saying that you should throw away all of your morals and just do whatever all the time because absolutely not. But what I am saying is that if you haven't analyzed why you hold certain morality, maybe it's a good opportunity to do that and ask yourself, am I doing these things? Am I am I attaching morality to these things because I believe that it's true? Or am I afraid of these things? And the morality is a convenient reason to not participate and avoid the things that I'm afraid of. So if we analyze all these things, we take a look at our lives, we do some journaling, we look at what do I say I just don't do? Like, oh, I just don't do crowds. Um, do I have a heavy routine that I stick to constantly? Do I need a safe person to go to these specific places? Um, do I make up excuses excuses when I'm afraid of something? And do I attach morality to things out of fear? We analyze them, we you know, we find out, okay, this, this, and this are actually based out of fear and I'm avoiding things, then what's next? Well, I think the next step then is to think about and picture the kind of life that you want to live. If you weren't afraid to do anything, what would you be doing? Would you have a different job? Would you participate in a specific hobby that you gave up a while ago? Would you have different friendships, a different relationship or a new relationship? Would you travel more? Would you, I don't know, there's all kinds of things that maybe you're not doing. And it could be because of this hidden fear that looks very high functioning. So think about what you want your life to look like. What are you actually working towards or dreaming of? And then once you do that, figure out if any of these hidden fears are actually hindering you from having those things. When I was agoraphobic and had severe panic disorder, dreaming of the life that I wanted to live was hugely motivating for me to practice this rewiring and facing my fears. When I thought about the kind of life I wanted to live, it involved a lot of traveling. I hadn't ever left the country, and that is something that I wanted to do. I will I love meeting new people. I love art and architecture, and there's only so much art and architecture in like the one mile radius that I would allow myself to go. Um, and so traveling was a huge deal to me when I thought about the kind of life I wanted to live. It involved a lot of leaving my house. And so the fears I had around not driving my car, not going to restaurants, not traveling out of the state, things like that, those very clearly were hindering the kind of life that I was trying to live. So if you imagine the kind of life you want to live, then you can analyze these different high-functioning fear patterns and see which of them are actually keeping you from living that dream life. If you're new to my content, you might be thinking, This is just who I am. Like I've always been this way. I've never liked crowds, I've never liked socializing, I've always been introverted. Um, I've always needed very strict routines to function. And what I would like for you to hear is that I felt the same way. I was an anxious, fearful child. I needed uh my expectations to be met to feel okay. I needed my routines to happen the way I wanted them to to feel okay. I needed to be familiar with my surroundings to feel okay. That is not true for me anymore because I have put in the work, the evidence-based work of exposure and response prevention specifically, to change the way that my brain responds to triggers and build my tolerance for stress and discomfort. And so, for my whole life, as far back as I can remember, until I was 27 years old, I would avoid things that made me uncomfortable. And so over time, my brain learned through my behavior of avoidance that more and more things were not okay for me to do, and my stress levels actually went up to the point where I was extremely agoraphobic, scared to leave my house. I had major health anxiety, very intense health anxiety. Um, I had a lot of obsessive-compulsive behaviors as well. It was completely unmanageable, and I was not living a full life or a semblance of the kind of life that I wanted to live. Even that level of fear and avoidance is overcomable. I am proof of that. I am not, I don't have all of the fears that I listed, I don't have anymore. Like I said, I'm a nervous flyer. I still fly. I've been on several planes this year, I'm going on another plane in a week. I'm not scared of crowds, I'm not scared of restaurants. I love those things. In fact, I love socializing, I love exercising. Like I said, I had major health anxiety, and now I really enjoy intense exercise and how it makes me feel. So if I can overcome that intense, disordered anxiety and fear, you can do it too. I'm not special, I'm not exceptionally strong or disciplined or strong-willed or intelligent. I'm a very regular person and I share my story because I know that you can do these things. If you want to, I don't know how you want to say, upgrade your life, um, change your life, live your dream life, do the things you've always wanted to do. I think you can. I really, really think you can. And so that's why this is so important to me. And I think with high-functioning fear and anxiety specifically, it's a much broader swath of people because you might not have agoraphobia like I did, and you might be like, um, not being able to drive your car is crazy. Yeah, it is. And I overcame that. So if you don't have that fear, think of all of the things you can overcome if you are willing to put yourself in situations that are a little scary to you and accept those feelings of fear and move through them. You will overcome all of your fears that way and live exactly the life that you want to live. And I think I'll end my rant there. Um, yeah, okay, thank you so much for being here today, you guys. I know a lot of you listen every week, and I appreciate that so much. This work that I do is very important to me. I hope that's obvious, but uh I just believe so much in the ability of people to change and to do the things that they want to do and to grow and adapt and learn, and it's something that I didn't know was possible seven years ago, and it completely changed my life, and I want that experience for everybody. So thank you. Because when you listen, when you follow, when you subscribe, when you interact with anything I do, it helps other people find these resources and hopefully inspire them to start making changes too. So if you interact with anything I do, you are helping the mental health epidemic crisis. How's that? Okay, so follow or subscribe wherever you're listening, um, rate the show if you find this helpful. That is a big way to help other people find this podcast specifically. And if you haven't already gotten the free Fear to Freedom guide, which is essentially my boiled down story of how I overcame panic disorder and fear in general, um, you can head to amandaclay.com and put me in an email in and then I'll send it up right to you. So um, oh, that'll also sign you up for my weekly newsletter. I send you one email a week with some specific encouragement, or if you do the podcast, or just my random thoughts for the weekend. So um that comes up every Monday as well. Thank you again so much for being here, and I'll see you next time.