Who Are You Trying to Be Perfect For? Breaking Free from Perfectionism and Showing Up Authentically

Perfectionism can look like ambition, but more often it feels like pressure. It pulls us out of the present moment, disconnects us from ourselves, and convinces us that who we are right now isn't quite enough.

In this episode, I'm sharing my own journey with perfectionism as an actress, performer, and mother. We'll talk about how the pursuit of getting everything "right" can actually keep us from showing up authentically, whether that's in an audition, on stage, at a social event, in motherhood, or in our everyday lives. We'll also explore the connection between perfectionism, self-doubt, confidence, and the fear of being judged.

I also share a recent moment when I almost skipped a Hollywood event because I didn't feel polished enough, and what shifted when I chose to lead with my values instead of my appearance.

If you've ever felt like you need to be more prepared, more accomplished, more put together, or more perfect before you can fully show up, this conversation is for you. Together we'll explore practical mindset shifts to help you release the pressure of perfection, reconnect with your heart, build greater self-confidence, and remember that your presence will always be more powerful than perfection.

Thank you so much for being here! If you are enjoying the show, it would mean so much if you please follow Essence Embodied, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a rating and review! Thank you!

You can keep up with Tyne on instagram here:

https://www.instagram.com/tynestecklein?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr 

View her website here:

https://tynesteckleinartdesigns.com/

Join Tyne's email list here: https://shy-band-100.myflodesk.com/mrxyszsu5h

I'd like to say a massive thank you to my editor and dear friend, Nikki Dalonzo, for supporting me on this journey! 

Transcript

Why Perfectionism Feels So Heavy

Tyne Stecklein 0:00

Welcome back to Essence Embodied by Tyne Stecklein. I'm your host and I'm thrilled that you are here with me today. We are talking about perfectionism, being a perfectionist. I know that I am guilty of this. My whole life I have suffered from trying to be and appear and seem perfect in not just my work and my career, but in many facets of my life. And I have learned how this is stealing my energy, my joy, my sense of self-worth. And I want to share what I've learned with you today in case you also struggle with being a perfectionist. I created this podcast for myself and for others as a reminder that when we are being authentic to who we truly are, life is going to work out for us. The more we can take ownership of our authenticity, of the unique, incredible individual that we are, and just bring that person forward and out into the world with a lot of confidence, I think the easier life is going to get. And it's easier to do this as you get older. Lived experiences are the greatest teachers. I really believe that. But I have learned so much from teachers who are willing to share about themselves and their stories with me, which is why I created this podcast.

The Pressure To Look Perfect

Tyne Stecklein 1:23

That said, if you've been enjoying the show, if you would take time after this episode to leave me a rating or a review, I can't tell you how much it would mean. I really want to continue making this. There are so many conversations with so many incredible guests that I want to have. And to be able to do that, I need to grow this heartfelt passion project of mine so that it can continue to be shared with others. Let's dive in. I do believe that it was passed down for women to need to look and appear and behave a certain way. So I started asking myself lately: who am I trying to be perfect for? Why am I trying to appear perfect sometimes in my career when I'm showing up for an audition or when I'm showing up for back to school night? I once heard a producer say it's very important that the main character of the film is flawed. Because otherwise, if they are perfect, the audience is not going to be able to connect to them and they're not going to want to root for them and cheer them on because they're a perfect specimen and that doesn't exist. And yet, how often do we put that pressure on ourselves that we should appear perfect? I do it all the time. I think about auditions that I used to go to, acting auditions, and I was so concerned with needing to be word perfect, having the script perfectly, which you should do. You want to honor the writer's words that they have put so much time and heart and thought into. But sometimes that would take precedence over honoring the emotional life of the character, which is the whole point of acting. Embodying the character, owning their unique essence. And I made getting those words more important sometimes than I did the essence of that person. And who was I doing that for? Well, casting, right? The producer, the director watching. I wanted to show I can do this perfectly. And when that is my motto going into it, well, that's completely unattainable, first of all. And second of all, it's just going to make me stuck up here in my head and so disconnected from my heart and my body. And that's the same thing for when we're showing up for a social occasion or event or back to school night with your teacher and the other parents. When we're showing up because we think someone expects us to be perfect or we want to seem and appear perfect, if anything, if we actually kind of somehow pull that off, it's gonna rub people the wrong way. It's not going to make anyone enjoy us more because it's not realistic. If you are a mom like me and you are juggling work and kids and keeping a house somewhat functioning and somewhat clean, there's not time for all of it. And there's certainly no need to pretend that we are these things that we are not. I do not keep a perfectly clean home. It just is not possible. It is also not my first priority. I would rather work on things that I'm passionate about than clean my floors to each their own in that regard. But I remember times where someone would be coming over for a play date, and I felt like I needed to make it seem that I keep a perfect home. I'm shoving things into the closet, I'm cramming things into the drawers, I am rubbing the spots off the floors that have been there for who knows how long, but it's never bothered me before to appear that I keep a perfect home. And then I can remember in doing that, when they walk in, you feel pretty good, like, wow, my house looks good like this. I should, I should really do this more, but you're also just like so afraid that they're gonna open the wrong drawer, God forbid they offer to help you get, you know, some things out of the refrigerator that you didn't have time to properly organize because that's not so organized either. And they're gonna see the mess, see the way that you really live because you tried to put on this appearance on the exterior, and if they actually see the truth, the reality, then like what was it all for? Can you relate? Gosh, I hope someone listening can. And maybe you keep a more organized house than I do. But my point is that there are so many areas of our life that we could do this with. If you're an artist, if you are a creative, this concept of needing to have

When Perfection Blocks Real Expression

Tyne Stecklein 5:59

the choreography perfect, the lines perfect, get the composition of the painting perfect. I think it's actually just a form of protection for our brain, so that instead of allowing ourselves to do the more vulnerable thing, which is drop into our body and allow ourselves to express from our heart, we're in our mind, we're just in our ego. And there is a level of safety there. If I'm just trying to do it perfect and I know that's really not attainable, then I don't have to feel badly if I fail. If I focus on being perfect, then I don't have to focus on what's really going on in here. I'm gonna give you an example. I got invited to go to an event in Hollywood recently. I haven't been out in that way in a very long time, and I started judging myself and picking apart all the reasons why I shouldn't show up at this thing. I'm blonde, I hadn't had my hair highlighted in a very long time, my roots were too grown out, I hadn't had time to get my nails done, a pedicure, I didn't have the right outfit, nor did I have time to figure out the right outfit. I'd been working so much, like all of a sudden the date was just here and on paper, I wasn't ready. There was no way for me to show up and feel that I looked or felt perfect. So why would I go? And I almost didn't. And then I took time to remember all of the work that I've been doing on myself lately. All of the work about knowing that I am not defined by exterior things, from the way my hair looks to the job that I do or do not book. And I sat with myself and I realized what I do know is who I am. I know who I am. I know what my values are, I know what's important to me. I know that I'm proud of the person that I am aiming and striving to be every day of my life. I'm proud of that person. Why don't I show up as that person? Why don't I stop worrying about if I look perfect, if I appear perfect to people on the outside. And I show up proud of the person that I am working really hard to be and see how that feels. And I did it. I went and I had fun. I actually had more fun than I ever have at these sorts of things. And again, I'm I'm out of practice at going to stuff like that, but I had fun because it wasn't about the whole time, like, oh, my hair looked perfect at the start of this, so let me continue to stand in a certain way and prem it so that I continue to look this way. I didn't feel that I looked perfect when I showed up. Now, don't get me wrong, there's a difference between not feeling good about yourself, not putting any effort in, or feeling the need to be perfect, right? So of course I put effort in. I did my makeup, I painted my own nails, right? I put the effort in, but I did it for me. And I made the most important piece about showing up from the inside. Having my heart, my unique essence on display at this event. That is the part of ourselves that people are drawn to. That is the part that is infectious. That is the energy that people want, that they will feel, that they will be inspired by, that they will be drawn to. If we are in our head wondering if we wore the right thing, if our hair still looks good, if we're aging quicker than other people, then we're not allowing ourselves the opportunity to have fun and to be present. Have you ever been to a high school reunion or thought about going and you spend so much time on what you're gonna wear and what the appropriate thing to wear is, and then you show up and it's like people are wearing every sort of thing because they're being them to a certain extent, and people have different styles as they should. And have you ever had that experience where you tried so hard to wear the perfect thing that you weren't even comfortable in it? And you showed up and you saw, oh my gosh, other people wore pants, or if you wore pants and you wanted to wear a dress, other people wore a dress. But it said this, but she wore heels, even though it said heels not required. You tried so hard to wear what you thought was the appropriate thing, and then you get there and you realize I could have worn anything I wanted, and had I worn the thing that I wanted, I would be more comfortable standing in my two feet right now. I would be more confident and I would be able to have fun, I would be able to enjoy this moment of my life. Have you had this experience? I have had this experience, or I've witnessed it, or I've shared in stories with friends or family. And it's like, when do we get to just give ourselves permission to be who we are? To show up as we would like to. And again, I'm not gonna show up to record for this podcast having completely just rolled out of bed. In fact, the irony of getting ready to record a podcast where I'm talking about being a perfectionist is funny because I'm like, well, I want to get ready, but I shouldn't spend too long trying to look perfect because I'm talking about how we don't need to be perfect, but I'm also getting ready for me. This makes me feel good. This is a color that I love. It makes me feel good. I've got a piece of jewelry on that makes me feel supported. So again, we could talk about this in so many aspects of our life, be it the professional work side, be it going to a social event, be it just showing up for yoga class. Oh, I don't have any makeup on or my hair's a little greasy, or I didn't realize that there was food on the back of my leggings that my toddler wiped on me on the way out. And really, what does it matter? When we make the experience the most important thing, I want to show up and enjoy this experience because if I am enjoying myself, it's more likely that that will rub off on others. Or if I can witness someone else really enjoying this experience, I can be present to that and admire it and allow it to infect me. It's a totally different way of thinking about how we show up for things, especially the things that make us feel a little nervous, a little rattled, a little uncomfortable. But as I've said, we don't need every friend in the room. We don't need everyone to approve of our outfit, of our choices. We just need to be authentic. We need to make the choices for ourselves, and then we are going to feel more confident in them, and then the right

The Hollywood Event Turning Point

Tyne Stecklein 12:24

people are going to be drawn to you for it. I could go on and on about this topic, especially being a woman. If you saw The Marvelous Miss Mabel, what a fantastic show. But that idea that a whole generation or more of women went to bed ready for the next day because that is how they felt or how they were taught that they had to show up in the world, that they had to show up for their husband, that they had to show up as the perfect housewife or even to work. It breaks my heart. It has been a passed down thing. Thankfully, I don't feel that I see it as much in the younger generation. I don't feel they care as much. That it is easier for them to show up as themselves and kind of with an air of you can take me or leave me. I did not have that. My younger self just desperately wanted to be liked. It desperately wanted to please people, and it wanted to be viewed as maybe not perfect, but pretty darn close. I think it's important to do things that make ourselves feel good. If that means you get ready every day, you put your full face of makeup on, you have an impeccably clean house, great. Commit to it. Do it for you. Do it because then you feel more confident in who you are. And you feel that when you show up in the world, in the spaces that you have to show up to and the ones that you want to show up to, you feel good. You feel proud. And also, no one else is judging us for the things that we judge about ourselves. Our deepest insecurities, most people would never know. We teach our children that their heart matters most, that being kind, their words, and how they say them matter. And yet, do we show up for ourselves in the same way? Am I kind to myself? Do I remember that my heart matters more than the exterior, than how I look, than what I'm wearing, than what people perceive to be true about me? So the next time you feel the need to be perfect or appear perfect or have a perfect kept home, be easy with yourself and know that the world is not judging you the same way that you are. And know that the more we appear perfect, that can actually make other people feel that they need to be that as well. If I allow a mother to come over with her kids and see my mess, maybe that can bring her comfort too. Maybe that can make her remember, oh yeah, this is a lived-in home. And it's okay that it looks lived in at this moment, that it looks a bit messy. So the next time you feel the need to look perfect or be perfect, try to remember this conversation and think about how your heart wants to feel. Think about what's going to make it happy. Think about what's going to make you feel the most competent showing up and lead from that place. And I do know that it takes off a bit of that need to feel perfect, and it actually allows you to feel more like you. And if I need to remind you, you are unique, you are special, you are so worthy of a life that you love. And that, my friends, is the mission of this podcast to remind you. Thank you so much for being here with me today. It's wild to me that people want to spend a little bit of their time with me on this podcast. It means so much. And as I said at the beginning, if you're enjoying the show, if you would leave me a five star rating or a written review or even share this episode, just send it to someone. It will help me continue this path and I would so appreciate it. I hope you have a beautiful day and continue to embody your essence.