Does Sex Get Better After 45? The Truth About Intimacy, Desire & Middle Age

People often celebrate the passion of young love, but what happens to sex, desire, and intimacy as we move into our 40s, 50s, and beyond? In this honest and thought-provoking episode of Ella Podcasts, we explore one of society’s most overlooked topics: sex in middle age.

Many assume aging means declining libido, less intimacy, and fewer opportunities for connection. Yet for many people, midlife brings greater confidence, deeper self-awareness, and a richer understanding of pleasure than they ever experienced when they were younger.

Joining me are Dr Jonathan Marshall, leading clinical psychologist and former professor, Louise Sullivan, somatic coach and Sexological Bodyworker, and Shi Min, founder of Waves of Pleasure, who helps individuals and couples explore intimacy, connection, and sexuality.

Who Is This Video For?

If you’re navigating menopause, dating, long-term relationships, body confidence, changing desire, or simply wondering how sexuality evolves with age, this episode offers honest insights and practical perspectives on intimacy in midlife.

Together, We Discuss:

* Does sex really improve with age?
* How menopause and hormonal changes affect libido
* Why confidence often increases in midlife
* The difference between sex, intimacy, and connection
* How curiosity can reignite desire
* Why communication is crucial for long-term intimacy
* The impact of body image and aging on attraction
* Affairs, emotional connection, and feeling desired
* Exploring kink, fantasy, and sexual curiosity later in life
* Rediscovering pleasure and intimacy after years of routine

Key Takeaways

* Sex doesn’t automatically decline with age, many people find it improves.
* Confidence and self-acceptance often grow in midlife.
* Desire is influenced by stress, connection, communication, and curiosity.
* Feeling desired and emotionally connected matters deeply.
* Many sexual challenges have support and treatment options available.
* Midlife can be an opportunity to rediscover pleasure, not lose it.

Quotes

“By the time you get to your 50s, it’s much less about performance and much more about pleasure.” - Louise Sullivan

“People don’t miss the sex itself. They miss being desired, being seen, being wanted.” - Louise Sullivan

Timestamps

00:00 Introduction
02:13 Does Sex Really Get Better With Age?
06:03 Menopause, Libido and Desire
08:20 Aging Bodies and Bedroom Confidence
10:00 Rediscovering Your Sexual Mojo
13:42 Curiosity, Adventure and Desire
14:24 Affairs, Intimacy and Feeling Desired
17:18 Kink and Sexual Exploration
20:08 Advice To Our Younger Selves
22:39 Final Thoughts

Conclusion

Aging changes our bodies, but it doesn’t have to diminish intimacy, pleasure, or connection. For many people, middle age is a chance to let go of performance pressures, embrace curiosity, and build deeper, more authentic relationships. Sexuality doesn’t end with age-it evolves.

#SexAfter50 #MiddleAgeRelationships #Menopause #Libido #Intimacy #SexualWellness #HealthyRelationships #DatingOver50 #AgingWell #RelationshipAdvice #MentalHealth #EllaPodcasts

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:07

Hello, I'm Ella, and this is Ella Podcasts. People talk about the heady days of young love and passionate sex. But what happens when you hit your 40s and 50s when your libido may decline due to hormonal changes? And what you're looking for in a relationship may be more complex. And when your body confidence is different to when you are in your 20s and 30s, people rarely talk openly about sex and middle age. Does desire really fade? How do people hitting middle age navigate intimacy? Talking about this hush-hash topic is Dr. Jonathan Marshall, a Stanford and Harvard graduate who is a leading psychologist and former professor. We have Xi Min, founder of Waves of Pleasure. I love that as a company name. Waves of Pleasure guides individuals and couples in awakening intimacy, loving relationships, and tantric sexuality and bodywork. And we also have Louise Sullivan today, a somatic coach and sexology bodyworker who studies the quest for deeper physical pleasure, authentic intimacy, and meaningful connection. So, Jonathan, why is it more taboo to talk about sex when we hit middle age?

SPEAKER_01 1:19

I think when you at middle age you're in that sort of place between ageism, like people aren't so interested in the elderly, and we're focused sex on youth and the energy of youth. And in middle age, you're just kind of in that middle ground of nobody really wants to think about it. Like younger people know, like we want to focus on us. But there's a lot of it going on. It turns out in old age homes, it's one of the places where STDs are growing most.

SPEAKER_03 1:49

I'm up for it. It's better than at the old age. Help me out. So some people claim sex gets better with age, Louise. Is this really the case? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 2:16

You know, I love I love challenging the narrative that we've all been fed that you know you get to 20s and 30s and then it just drops off a cliff. The research doesn't suggest that though. The research suggests that while 20s and 30s may be high, 30s and early 40s hits a decline as people are busy in their careers and with kids, then you suddenly have this new space. And the research suggests that sex does get better for a lot of people. Not everybody, but a lot of people. And I think some of the key factors are people might be empty nesters.

SPEAKER_02 2:51

Right?

SPEAKER_04 2:51

You've gone through a really heavily child-rearing period. You might be a bit more financially secure. You might have a stable career where suddenly you've got more space, privacy, energy to go and explore and be curious in areas you maybe didn't have time in your 30s. The other big factor, I think, is that people have a psychological shift. You know, you hear people getting to their 50s and say, I just don't really care that much anymore. So whereas in your 20s, it's all about performance anxiety. You know, what do I look like? Am I good enough? What do they think of me? Am I good at what I'm doing? I think by the time you get to the 50s, it's much less about performance and much more about pleasure. And that's I think that's a big shift. And then qualitely it gets better. Maybe not frequency-wise, but qualitatively massive shift for those people who do that work, that is, you know.

SPEAKER_01 3:51

I'm curious about kink. Like it seems to me among my clients that often the exploration of kink happens late 30s, 40s, uh, not twenties. I'm just wondering if if you found that as well, like that kind of exploration of where does my pleasure take me?

SPEAKER_00 4:08

For me, it's like um curiosity. Yeah. So as I have more and more experience, later on in life I discover like parts of myself that I have yet to discover. And as I meet different people, this this curiosity gets grows and grows. And and also I keep learning about myself as well. Oh, when I'm in my 20s versus 30s, 40s, I'll be a different person. And I mean like different things.

SPEAKER_03 4:40

I think as Louise said, when you grow older, you don't really give a shit as much, do you? I mean, when you in your 20s, it was all about am I the prettiest girl he's ever slept with, and do I look good? And you know, it's all about your body image and no cellular light, and you know, it's I I think you become more authentic as you get older and you discover what you enjoy, and and you really don't sweat the small stuff anymore, do you?

SPEAKER_04 5:06

Completely. And I think she means hit the word curiosity. If you can stay curious to your kink question, one of the hardest things for people to do is uh first know what they want and then ask for what they want. So I think as you build confidence and stay curious, and also build language and tools to be able to ask for what you want, that's maybe where the kink world opens up because people can start exploring where perhaps there wasn't there's too much anxiety early on to be able to be confident to ask for things or try things and be willing to fail. I think that's a big thing. Be willing to try things out and it'd be a disaster and be able to like shake it off and start again.

SPEAKER_03 5:52

I've had friends say they've tried things that were big fantasies in reality, they hated it.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

And you're like, not me, no.

SPEAKER_03 6:01

It's gone too. Yeah, so how how can you fight a declining libido due to menopause and angiopause?

SPEAKER_00 6:09

Yes. So as as these natural stages of life come with age, the key thing is to just uh keep your stress level low. And because all these changes become um it's how we how we work our lives around it. So just be healthy, like keep a watch on your uh diet, nutrition, your fitness, but at the same time your mental emotional health as well. How you can navigate this part of your life while still keeping healthy uh sex drives with your partner or on your own. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:01

I think also kind of leaving the sort of world of sex being about intercourse or orgasm or ejaculation, but but it being about sexuality or connection or pleasure. Yeah. Uh so that taking the pressure off uh, you know, whether or not you have an erection or whether or not you you can come, like that taking that off the table, but still being able to enjoy having a physical body, um, I think is is important.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

Yes, I agree with Jonathan. Yeah, like uh if you take the pressure off, it's not about performing, but about enjoying the presence of each other or on your own. That's the key thing. Yeah, just be fully comfortable, okay, what my body is experiencing right now, and what I can do about it. Yeah. How to fully enjoy my own presence.

SPEAKER_01 7:51

Yeah. And I think then it can extend beyond sex to food, having a nice cup of water, whatever it might be. But but but certainly the sex part is important. But yeah, it's it's it's pleasure of the body.

SPEAKER_00 8:03

Yeah, and it can be anything, like you say, food or can be like the simple pleasures of life. Yeah. A good movie or good company of friends. Anything a good glass of wine. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:16

So, how do aging bodies impact confidence in the bedroom?

SPEAKER_04 8:20

Yeah, I think um there's two factors of that. There's the aesthetics that we talked about earlier, and then there's functional health, which you've just mentioned around having various, perhaps erectile, dysfunctional, painful penetrative sex. So that's a functional side.

SPEAKER_02 8:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:35

The good news is with the functional side, is there's a ton of medical support, alternative health support, sexual wellness coaching. There's so much. But you know, the thing that I've read recently is that women who are experiencing sexual dysfunction, up to 70% of people never reach out for support. So there's so many people out there that are dealing with some sort of physical, functional um challenge with sexual dysfunction and don't reach for support when there are quite straightforward support available. I think that's something that I would love to normalize in a conversation so that we can be having conversations. So when people hit those barriers and those walls, they know where to go.

SPEAKER_03 9:24

And there's a lot of performance enhancers out there. I mean, obviously, we all think of the little blue pill, but there's there's things for women now. I mean, it's really morphed into a big industry. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

Sex therapy is one of the more effective sides of psychotherapy. Like the early researchers in sex therapy did a good job. So it's kind of there's a lot that can be treated and is helpful. A lot of it's online. You don't necessarily have to go to a sex therapist or often that's good.

SPEAKER_03 9:49

So, what would you say to say me, a lady who's menopausing has kind of lost her mojo, how would you talk to her to to rediscover her mojo?

SPEAKER_01 10:00

Some people don't really want to. They're like, you know, I'm good as I am. Others, it's like, yeah, I kind of would, but you know, especially if there's a spouse involved, then it can become very tricky because maybe the spouse doesn't want to go there, it's too awkward. But if they don't have that problem, then sort of just going to ground zero, what is pleasurable for you? What would be one small safe step? It'll be nice to get a massage. Really, any particular kind, no, no, not a naughty massage, just a regular massage. All right, why could you do that? So just bit by bit, nothing too ambitious. If there's a failure, then it's a small failure. You can always try again.

SPEAKER_03 10:33

And she means how does your tantric massage help people to kind of reconnect with their sexuality?

SPEAKER_00 10:40

So I would say it's like communicating with the hands, like touching the body and being mindful, being present of the different senses, like oh, okay, this part I'm feeling warm, this part I'm feeling, oh, this curve, every line here. I hadn't noticed this before. And then this goes down into the deeper layers, like the um emotional feelings we may have, and it's for people to become aware. Oh, why did I have this memory or this um feeling that came out for me? This awareness. And then it can go in deeper from there. Is it like a past trauma or wound? But the most important thing is to be aware of how I'm feeling right now at this stage of my life, and how to be uh accepting of it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:45

How does tantric massage differ from massage?

SPEAKER_00 11:49

It's more about the connection. So, like I said, communicating with the hands through touch, and as I do the massage, it unblocks the energy blockages in the body. Because our body stores a lot of tensions and traumas, and some are like be suppressed for years deep down within the emotional layers, and through touch, all this uh the and the energy will just go to wherever there's a blockage and block it. And then it's for the person to uh be aware of all these sensations, it sort of awakens their body to feel again. Yeah, oh this part I'm feeling numb, or this part I'm feeling pain, or maybe I'm feeling oh, pleasure, I'm feeling aroused. So it awakens different parts of them within. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:46

And I guess massage, I mean, for most people it is a turn on, isn't it? It's gonna stimulate feelings of desire.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

My massage massage going.

SPEAKER_04 13:08

So when you talk about libido for menopausal women, I'd like to challenge the libido conversation. I'm quite passionate about this. I think a lot of time people are just bored and they don't know they're bored. So they miss a line or misdiagnose. While there are menopausal factors, a lot of women by the time they're 50 and men are bored. You know, you learnt something at 19 and it worked at 19, and then you just kept doing it for the rest of your life, and you're wondering why you're bored. Imagine if you all ate the same dinner every night for 10 years, would you be hungry? Would the appetite still be there? And I think if that's where the curiosity is required, and that's where a little bit more effort to create um play and adventure and curiosity and try because people are bored.

SPEAKER_03 14:02

That would be so middle age is the time to be more adventurous. Yes. I think so.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

I'm an advocate of that. And generally for women, they get fearless, they have more confidence because you don't need to be fearful of like getting pregnant and all that and all that, so you can go all out and explore more.

SPEAKER_03 14:23

Yeah. And are affairs more common during midlife because of maybe people are at different points in their sexuality.

SPEAKER_04 14:34

Yes. So uh affairs actually happen at every age and there is data to suggest that it peaks at 40s and 50s. However, fundamentally, I think that's just a a symptom of a lack of communication and alignment. You know, people train themselves out of sex and intimacy. Not being the same thing, sex and intimacy. So as soon as sex stops, often the intimacy stops too, and then people just what they lament the most, what people say to me the most, what they miss about not having sex is not the sex itself, but it's the desire. Being desired, being seen, being wanted. That's what we want. And so you meet someone else on the street who suddenly sees you, desires you, that's intoxicating. That's where a fear comes in. But it's as a function of that the being seen starts to be missing in a couple. No, there's so many things that you can do to keep creating something there.

SPEAKER_03 15:42

And you do feel like, you know, I certainly feel like you become more invisible the older you get. So, you know, you could go for a drink in a bar in your 20s and you'd be you know surrounded by guys, and the same in your 30s, but there does come a point where you know suddenly that's all gone. And what's left is someone on Tinder who looks like Father Christmas, and you're like, seriously, how am I supposed to fancy someone with a full white beard? It's never gonna happen.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

Unless it's a kink.

SPEAKER_03 16:14

Unfortunately, I don't have that pink, otherwise it'd be inundated by the I don't know what's going on in the phone looks another. And you realise what you fancy is exactly what you used to fancy when you were 30. Yeah, being desired. Well, I also think physically, what for me, what the kind of guy I look for, he's normally in his late 30s, but yeah, he's not gonna go for me too well.

SPEAKER_04 16:40

Or you'd be surprised. You'd be surprised.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

Would you go for him? If you got some bad boy 30-year-old after you also think about, you know, what what would the future hold?

SPEAKER_03 16:53

I mean, that's a problem too. Yeah, that's a problem too. If you're looking for a future, that's a different if you want both, if you want the companionship and the relationship, but you also want someone hot and youthful, it's you want everything. I don't know. I unfortunately now swipe through Tinder and it's just so depressing. It's like, no, no, no, no. Seriously, definitely no.

SPEAKER_01 17:18

So maybe this is a conversation for afterwards, but I'm just curious, what is what are you know one or two of the more uh surprising kinks you've you've worked with?

SPEAKER_04 17:28

Surprising kinks?

SPEAKER_03 17:31

It's gonna be you, Jollifan. Yeah, yeah, you might have to leave this one up.

SPEAKER_04 17:37

I'm just trying to think. And nothing's really that surprising. I don't think I've come across anything that surprises me about what people like. Um it's a wide variety, and most people come to me embarrassed about what they like, and when they tell me what they like, it's usually quite tame. Um but yeah, um, probably the thing that I've struggled with the most over the last few years is reconciling um people who enjoy large amounts of pain and reconciling that from a place of you know what she means and I come from, which is where you're dropping into pleasure and sensation in the body. And when it comes to large amounts of pain and bruising in the body, that's something I've always struggled with a little bit. I don't have a judgment about it, but it's like connecting that to um pleasure, pleasure. Um, and there's definitely that um there's a lot that goes into uh those aspects of kink, and there's a lot of healing to be done for people who explore various aspects of pain, power, dynamics. Lots of healing there too. I can't think of something really out there to say though.

SPEAKER_00 19:00

I would observe as like uh it's interesting to see like men who are like they are pretty high up in their career level, and they're like the directors or C-suite level, and they they want to be dominated. Yeah, yeah, they want to be submissive to a woman. So it doesn't have to be like those we see in those like BDS, and there's a dominatrix, like you know, whipping the hell off this guy. I could do that right now.

SPEAKER_03 19:30

So grumpy these days.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

That might not be a given sexual design.

SPEAKER_00 19:35

That might be something it's more of like um like being soft and feminine and doing things for the woman. So it can be like running errands, things as simple as that. Like buying food or giving her a food massage, bringing her some tea, things like that.

SPEAKER_03 20:00

You're out there elopters on Facebook. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:08

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 20:08

So if you could give advice to your younger self about sex and aging, what would it be? That's something for all of us to comment on.

SPEAKER_00 20:19

Just be yourself and have fun. And you will just like attract people who are into your vibes, and you'll just go through life so much easier. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:34

Uh continue to play, really play. Like um like a child, play, continue to explore and stay curious, and like I said before, be willing for it to go badly and pick up and try something else. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 20:49

And rather be like, oh, damn, I have done this and I regret that it rather than oh what if maybe might be a long one.

SPEAKER_01 21:06

I'd say like try to avoid hurting anyone and then lean into being adventurous. I think I think being adventurous often can involve hurting someone. And so like try to because I think remorse is a terrible thing and it's a buzz killer, but like try to avoid hurting, and also because you're not gonna be young forever. I think I think there is a decline, especially I you know, evidently for men, that by the time they hit their 50s and 60s, there's a lot of uh sexuality that has changed. So enjoy it now if you can.

SPEAKER_03 21:37

Yeah, for me it's about finding your physical match as well as mental match. And a lot of my girlfriends are with people who you know they're not really physically attracted to, but they're they offer other things, you know, the security, the companionship, they're nice guys, but you know, if you're a physical person, that's just not gonna cut it. So, you know, you've got to find that match and find the chemistry, it's out there.

SPEAKER_04 22:03

Ella, I think nice guy is the next the next podcast topic. Really?

SPEAKER_03 22:08

Okay, I don't really associate nice guys.

SPEAKER_04 22:10

No, I mean the the challenge of nice guy. Oh, right, okay.

SPEAKER_03 22:13

Finding a nice guy who's good in a sack, that would be a challenge.

SPEAKER_01 22:17

Okay, so I remember when I was uh my cup one of my couple supervisors when I was studying couples counseling said to me, between a couple that is intellectually compatible and a couple that do well in the bedroom, he gives the odds every time to the couple that's good in the bedroom. Really? Like they personality-wise may not match, but that's the couple in his experience that will survive more.

SPEAKER_03 22:38

Interesting. Okay, well, thank you for joining us today on Ella Podcasts. It's not just physical changes we undergo in middle age, but a shift in what's important. Intimacy may or may not be a priority, but it's clearly different for everyone. Our discussion isn't about whether sex gets better or worse as we hit middle age, but whether we've retained our libido and curiosity. If you want to suggest a topic for our next episode, please join our Facebook group at Ella Podcasts and message us. Please subscribe, rate and share this episode, and sending you a big sizzling hug.