Can Love Survive Cultural Differences? | Cross-Cultural Relationships Explained

Love may bring two people together, but cultural differences can shape everything that comes after. From family expectations and religion to parenting, communication styles and identity, cross-cultural relationships often face unique challenges—but they can also be incredibly rewarding.

In this episode of Ella Podcasts, we explore why some intercultural relationships thrive while others struggle, how couples can navigate conflict, and what it means to raise children across multiple cultures.

Joining me are Dr Jonathan Marshall, leading clinical psychologist and former professor; Dr Jane Tuomola, clinical psychologist, author and mental wellbeing speaker; and Heather Hansen, accent bias, communication and linguistic inclusion expert, author and speaker.

Who Is This Video For?

Whether you’re in a cross-cultural relationship, raising third culture children, or simply interested in how culture shapes love, communication and family life, this episode offers practical insights and expert advice.

In This Episode

* Are cross-cultural relationships harder than same-culture relationships?
* How culture influences communication and conflict
* Parenting across different cultures and religions
* Raising confident third culture kids
* Managing family expectations and cultural bias
* Why curiosity matters more than assumptions

Key Takeaways

* Love is important, but shared communication and conflict resolution matter just as much.
* Cultural differences can strengthen relationships when approached with curiosity and respect.
* Third culture children often develop empathy, resilience and global perspectives.
* Successful intercultural relationships are built on understanding—not assumptions.

Timestamps

00:00 Introduction
00:03 Chemistry vs cultural compatibility
00:08 Navigating conflict and family expectations
00:13 Raising third culture children
00:19 Hidden strengths of cross-cultural couples
00:24 Advice before entering an intercultural relationship

Conclusion

Cross-cultural relationships can bring unique challenges, but they also offer incredible opportunities for growth, understanding and connection. By embracing curiosity, open communication and mutual respect, couples can build relationships that celebrate the strengths of both cultures.

Keywords: cross-cultural relationships, intercultural marriage, third culture kids, multicultural families, relationship advice, parenting, communication, culture, identity, marriage, psychology, Ella Podcasts

#EllaPodcasts #Relationships #CrossCulturalRelationships #ThirdCultureKids #Parenting #Marriage #Communication #MentalHealth #Culture #Family

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Hello, I'm Ella, and this is Ella Podcasts. Love and romance is one thing, cultural compatibility is quite another. You can face concern or even backlash from friends and family, have different communication styles, strong differences of opinion on how to raise your children as third-party culture kids, and different religious beliefs can cause massive rifts. Can love conquer a cross-cultural union? Why do some of these relationships thrive while others fail under the pressure? And how do children react to belonging to two different cultures? Here to discuss this topic are Dr. Jonathan Marshall, a Stanford and Harvard University graduate, a clinical psychologist, and a former professor. And we also have today Dr. Jane Tuomola, a Cambridge University graduate, clinical psychologist, mental wellness speaker and author. Jane is British and her husband is Finnish. And we welcome Heather Hansen. Heather is an accent, bias, and linguistic inclusion speaker, trainer, and author. Heather is American and her husband is Danish. First question for Jonathan. Why are cross-cultural couples judged differently depending on which race and gender combination it is?

SPEAKER_00 1:21

I think it has a lot to do with the histories, colonial history or not. For example, if you see a white man with a Southeast Asian woman, there's a lot of assumption about yellow fever. If you see a uh and you think of the woman and you think, oh, she's just after a passport, uh, or she thinks, you know, white is better than her own culture. We we throw in all of these things because of our past, and it says a lot about uh the culture that we're in. And for the couples in that situation, I think I I typically say, you're never gonna get past that. Your job is to make sure what what's projected onto you doesn't go inside you. Um and it's just something, particularly the dominant culture, when you see a member of your uh the of the dominant culture pairing up with someone from another culture or another race, that's where a lot of projections can come in.

SPEAKER_01 2:09

No, that makes sense. And uh Dr. Jane and Heather, are cross-cultural relationships harder than the same culture relationships or more exciting?

SPEAKER_03 2:19

I think both is the the easy, easy answer. I mean, you can't help who you fall in love with. So I met my husband about 30 years ago, and I think there have been some real difficulties in terms of communication issues, language issues, you know, decision making, where do we live, how do we bring up our children? But through that, we've had so many wonderful experiences together that I wouldn't otherwise have had, and that brings a real richness and diversity and you know openness to many, many different experiences. So I think it's it's been both.

SPEAKER_02 2:49

That would be my answer as well. Absolutely. Yes, it's harder in some ways, and we face a lot of challenges that a typical couple that is not living internationally may not need to face. But on the other side, it is very exciting. We have a very exciting life. We get opportunities that I never would have had if I had stayed in America and married another American. So, absolutely both.

SPEAKER_03 3:11

So it's opened up the world for you and for our children. I mean, they go to an international school and their you know their class is made up from multiple nationalities. They have this wonderful map on the wall of you know what which countries do you identify with? And it might be I was born here and I grew up here, and my parents are from here, and there's a real richness and learning about so many different cultural beliefs and you know different parts of the world that I think is you know absolutely fascinating.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

And Jonathan, is cultural compatibility more important than chemistry?

SPEAKER_00 3:41

I think uh the exotic can be erotic, but there's also a place where birds of a feather flock together naturally. I think uh you're not going anywhere unless there's a bit of chemistry. Um, but on Tuesday morning when the dishwasher's broken and your in-laws are coming to stay and you're frustrated because your brothers just been yelling at you the day before, it the chemistry isn't what's going to carry you through. So I think chemistry is kind of the prerequisite to get started. But I think being able to work with each other's values is key for going on and sustaining it. But more important than culture, I think, is conflict. How do you manage conflict? If uh you've got a good way of managing conflict, even if your cultures are miles apart, uh you're in a much better place than the other way around.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

And why do cultural differences in relationships often show up most strongly during periods of stress or transition? And apparently intercultural couples fight the hardest over holidays, traditions, and obligations. What do you think to that one, you guys?

SPEAKER_02 4:40

Well, I think that when we're really stressed, we fall back on those innate cultural ideas that are built into us. So if we're in a really stressful situation and the transitions that we face are huge. You know, we're moving countries, we're moving schools, we're we're doing these big life-changing transitions several times throughout our children's lives. And in those times, I think we do sort of default on our culture. As much as we've tried to compromise and adapt and change and build a new culture, those other pieces can still come out when we're stressed and tired, of course.

SPEAKER_03 5:13

Yeah, I absolutely agree with that. But I think some of it's also some of the cultural differences don't come out until a transition. So if you're, you know, things might have been working well before you had children, and then you want a family, and you kind of assume we're both going to parent in the same way, and then you realize, ah, well, actually, my culture says this and mine says this, or I assumed this, and I assumed this, and then you know, it's only the only sort of that those times where the kind of friction comes out of oh, we're actually more different than we thought. How do we navigate this? And I think it's about really trying to communicate, as you were saying, you know, managing conflict. Let's not make assumptions, let's have these conversations before we go through any of these transitions. It makes it a lot easier in the moment.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

Before, right after we got engaged, we actually bought a book with 150 questions to ask before getting married. Wow. And we worked through that book, and it went through everything from finances to education to child rearing to household chores and division of responsibilities. And I'm so, so glad we did that. Because I think especially, I mean, that would be a great practice for all couples to go through, but especially in a cross-cultural one, it allowed us to think of things that we really would have never thought to ask until we were in the middle of it. So I'm I think that we got around some of that a little bit by being ultra-prepared and very aware going into it that a cross-cultural relationship is more to manage than just the relationship.

SPEAKER_01 6:37

Yeah, and that sounds like a great book. People dive into these things, and I think the differences can be exciting at the beginning, but maybe further on they can be dividing. So having that and kind of understanding your partner more right at the beginning is Yeah, I think that's crucial.

SPEAKER_03 6:53

When we did our map, we did a marriage preparation course at our local church, which was very similar. And the fact that the priest gave us was the average couple spends 250 hours planning the wedding and zero planning their marriage. Yeah. And that was like a real sort of take-home that actually, if we have these conversations about what are we going to do when our parents get old, you know, are they going to come and live with us or not? Or, you know, how are we going to do this? And we had some great exercises of how did your parents do it and how did your parents do it, and how do you want to do it? And you know, where is their agreement and where where are there some areas to really talk through even more about how we can do this in a way that works for both people because it's not you win, I lose, but how do we do something? You know, what's our culture in our family that brought draws from both both sides?

SPEAKER_00 7:35

I remember a couple I was working with, and um the the father uh he he wasn't really engaged with the son at all. And and when this came up, he said, the boy is not my boy until he's seven. At that point, he is my child and not yours. And I was like, where does this number come from? And he's like, In my tribe, this is the way it is. And I was like, wow, if you didn't know that walking in, that could be quite a tough one. Um, so I think being able to know that your partner, you know, give the benefit of the doubt to your partner, they're just doing their best, rather than how could he or she be so obtuse? Uh, that we come in with hostility often immediately when something goes wrong, rather than realizing actually maybe it's just a different frame of reference.

SPEAKER_01 8:17

You've got to be a bit careful. I had an Australian girlfriend and she married a Muslim guy, and he knows he was practicing Muslim, and they had one son. And of course, when they spit up and were divorcing, the son, it was a very nasty divorce because you know, under you know, Sharia law, I think it is that the son goes to the father, and that's a given. There's no debate about it, and uh maybe it's Islamic law, I'm not sure. But anyway, it was a big fight over custody, and it was very nasty, and you know, she in a way she hadn't done her homework before entering into this relationship as to what could the consequences be if you if it doesn't work out, and you know, it's obviously as a mother having your son taken from you is devastating. So yeah, there's a lot to be aware of. Should someone cut off judgmental or racist family members for their partner? So we've all read about Prince Harry and Meghan cutting off uh the royal family for this reason and the way apparently Meghan was talked about. Um, is that a good idea?

SPEAKER_00 9:24

I think that's a really tricky one. I think it's a big spectrum between being you know deeply engaged with other family members to being fully cut off. And I think fully cut off is quite a dangerous place because it's hard to come back. Um, like if you're just almost fully cut off, you're infinitely closer than fully cut off. And I think it depends how toxic is it really? Like, how manageable can you handle the fact that uh your parents uh demean your spouse because your spouse is from a different place or of a different race? Like how much is okay? But I think it's very important for the spouse to see that you are protecting them, that you are prioritizing them. Uh, but fully cut them off, I think is quite it's hard to come back from. But I'm curious, I know you've probably worked with people in that situation.

SPEAKER_03 10:10

Yeah, I think it's really hard, isn't it? Because it's about where's the boundary and what's kind of tolerable, not ideal but tolerable, and what do we challenge and what can we have a conversation about versus what is actually this is absolutely not okay. And I think a lot of it, I would agree with you, it's about you know, as partners, like this this is what's okay and this is what what isn't, and how does each partner talk to their family about well, this you know, this is not okay that you talk to my spouse like this? And often it's incredibly hard for that person to do, and I think again it's that communication, what do we want as a couple, and how do we invite that or c or you know say yes and no to certain things? But it's that you know, it should be that your decision as a couple rather than well, I'm defaulting to your family or your family.

SPEAKER_01 10:52

And uh, what does it mean to raise third culture kids? And how can parents help them develop a strong sense of identity and belonging, Dr. Jane?

SPEAKER_03 11:01

That's a really interesting one. So we we've lived together in Singapore, we've gone back to Finland. So I'm from the UK, my husband's from Finland, we've lived in Finland together, we're now in Singapore for the second time, and we're just about to move back home, and it's been interesting watching my children's identities kind of change over that time. When we first moved to Finland, my daughter identified as Singaporean and we had conversations about why can't I be Prime Minister of Singapore? And like, well, you're not Singaporean, but I was born there. Um, and you know, what does being Finnish mean? I mean, uh, you know, some of it is sort of what do we do on different holidays, and does Father Christmas come on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? And you know, what what food do we eat? And some of those. Um, and I guess it's about sort of thinking, how do we kind of maintain connection with each of their cultural identities and actually have explicit conversations about and not just do it because we've always done it, but this is what we do, this is what I do, this is what my husband does, and you know, they've had input into some of those cultural practices, and how do we do that? And I think it it can fluctuate because it's like you want to sort of, you know, the it's exciting to have lots of different experiences and being you know open to different cultures, but it's like, well, who am I? is the big question, and and what does it mean to be Finnish, to be British, and that can mean different things to different people. So I think a lot of it's for us, it's certainly sharing both cultures, practicing both, choose you know, but I think it's the explicit conversations because it's like almost being like a fish in water. Sometimes we don't see the culture we're in. So for us, it's I'm like, well, what does being British mean? You know, I I that's just how I am. And actually, sort of reading, there's this wonderful book called Watching the English by a um a British anthropologist who goes and sort of has to to explore what the cultural norms are, she has to kind of break some of them and go, Oh, that's so uncomfortable. And it really made me laugh and yeah, and sort of think, well, what does it mean? And and and so it's for both of us, it's been learning about our own culture, learning about the others' culture, and having lots of conversations in the family so that it's something we see and can can choose rather than it just happens.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

We just touched on humour, and obviously, sometimes you have really different styles of humour. And uh, I remember dating a German chap for many years, and his sense of humour was so different to mine. It was it was it was quite odd how different it was. So he kind of liked slapstick comedy. Whereas I'm more I'm British, I like more the black humour, a dark humour, which he didn't get at all. And I didn't really understand why someone's skidding on a banana skin was so hilarious. So, you know, it's it's an education and how we might be European, but we're actually very different on many levels. Yeah, yeah. So, Heather, what happens when children are raised between conflicting cultural values?

SPEAKER_02 13:44

Hmm. On the good side of that, I think it teaches them to be critical thinkers. You know, I think that what we've always tried to do is present many different options to them, many different cultural values, beliefs, and perhaps my husband and I have differing ideas. Uh, perhaps it's Singapore has a different idea to what we are typically talking about in our home. And I hope that we have taught them well to really question things. They're they're very, very aware of the system, systemic bias, perspective. They they really understand how they can see the world one way, but their best friend can see it very differently. And I think that's such an incredible skill to have, and something that these children who grow up as third culture kids really learn. Uh, but in our home, anyway, we have tried anytime we do have something conflicting, we we would allow them to discuss it and to make their own choices in that because we are blending and taking the best from everywhere that we've lived and and what we know, and we choose all those best parts to create our family culture, which is different and unique from anywhere else. Uh so that critical thinking and the self-awareness that comes from conflicting values is an amazing gift, I think.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

And why do many third culture kids report feeling that they don't feel like they belong to either culture despite appearing socially confident?

SPEAKER_03 15:13

I think it's kind of how how it's handled and how it's discussed, because it's very easy to move, and I don't think moving's the problem, but it's how do we handle that movement, how do we handle being in in different places, how do we deal with difference? It's not this is right, this is wrong, they're just different, and let's think about that. Um, but I think I think one of the things that can be really hard is you know, there's a lot of emotions attached to transition and living in different places, and if that's not handled well, it can leave people sort of feeling like, well, you know, if I'm gonna have to keep saying goodbye, I'm not gonna invest anywhere, I'm not gonna make relationships, I'm not gonna make friends, I'm not gonna engage. So then you sort of cut off to you know self-protection because it's it's unpleasant. And I think so. A big part of that is how do we as the adults help them manage that, you know, manage the goodbyes, manage the emotions, because I think there's a big difference between uh acknowledging a lot of people think, well, if I acknowledge you, then it means I'm agreeing with you, which it you know isn't necessarily the case, or let's just focus on the positive. And it's like, well, that's not helpful either. It's about how do we allow all of those feelings and the sadness and the goodbyes and how do we connect and move in. So if if you don't manage any of those, people can you know not feel connected with with any of it because they've stopped investing.

SPEAKER_01 16:25

My friend, she's her mother's from Bhutan, and her father is Scottish, and she said she felt like she didn't didn't belong to either culture, and she was never accepted by either culture, so she really did feel like she was almost nationless in the middle, no sense of belonging, and it was really hard not being accepted by both cultures, and it's affected everything in her life, it's affected how her career has progressed, it's affected friendships, uh, relationships, boyfriends. Um, so it's a really tricky one to navigate for some people. Yeah. Okay, anything to say on natural thing?

SPEAKER_00 17:07

Well, yeah, yeah, a few things, just noticing, and this is not like empirically validated, but um, what I found is that third culture kids they are more socially fluent. They they can they can connect with people better, but they may have more depression and anxiety. Uh and it seemed to me like those who don't have that are the ones with a more secure base. So a family that's closer or more intact, or they they have a clearer sense of, but I am from this country. You know, I I've I've lived in six countries, but I am from that. So where they have a core sense of stability, the most important being the family. But but I think it can help when there's a country or a culture they do identify with. So maybe I've never visited the United Kingdom, but I know I'm English. And if you have that, it it provides some kind of identity. But even for the third culture kids who've got lots of different exposure and don't have that solidity, it doesn't mean they're all going to have psychopathology. Um, but it does often mean there's there's more to process, there's more, there's more choice, and it's confusing, I think, particularly in teens and early 20s.

SPEAKER_01 18:11

Now, how did you feel? Because obviously you were born in Singapore, your parents were in Singapore, even though they were an interracial marriage. But how did you feel growing up Singaporean when you don't look Singaporean?

SPEAKER_00 18:23

I also had a father who was identified. So both my father's uh legacy and my colour were mixed together, so I never knew was I being favored or beaten up because of one or the other or both, or because I'm a pain in the neck or somehow charming. So it was very confusing. I mean, I have permanent knee damage from being beaten up because of it. But I had favoritism by being uh, you know, in a out of 3,000 recruits, one was white looking.

SPEAKER_01 18:51

Right.

SPEAKER_00 18:51

And and so, yes, if I didn't do push-ups, everybody could see it was me and I'd get piled on. But if I uh I also was identifiable, which meant in an anonymous kind of environment where everyone's wearing the same clothes with no hair, it meant that I had a sense of identity. And that is a form of can be its own affirmation in a way. So uh certainly I'm very familiar with uh very disproportionate racism, but uh also moments of favoritism. So it's confusing. It was a double-edged sword.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

Sounds it. And what are the hidden strengths that cross-cultural couples often develop? Monocultural couples may never need to learn.

SPEAKER_02 19:30

This is going to sound like a boring skill, but I think the one thing we are really good at, and we learned really early, was checking for understanding. We know how to minimize misunderstanding better than anyone. And the very first time this happened, it was in the beginning of our relationship. I was getting ready to move to Denmark. My husband had found us an apartment, and this is three months leading up to moving there. And for those three months, I believed that the kitchen cupboards were painted with turkeys. And we had talked about these turkeys for months, we had had multiple conversations about the turkeys. What are we gonna do about the turkeys? Until finally, in a conversation, I realized they weren't painted with turkeys, they were painted the color turquoise, which is turkeys in Danish. And I was shocked, shocked that we had gone three months having I talked to my mom on the kitchen covers. This had went on and on. And it you immediately realize how easy it is to speak past each other. And especially, I mean, multicultural is one thing, cross-cultural, but also cross-lingual when you're working across languages, or maybe the two individuals are using English as a lingua franca, a common language between them. You're also working across these linguistic differences where he said Turkeys, he said it very confidently. I assumed he just messed up the word stress and it was Turkeys, and we continued the conversation talking about two completely different things. So you learn very quickly to never ever make assumptions, to always check for understanding and not in the you get it, okay, great way, but to actually question and dig deeper and to give the benefit of the doubt because if something really shocks me that he does or he says, chances are I'm misunderstanding something. Right. So it's having the curiosity and the ability to be self-aware and um really check, question before jumping to conclusions.

SPEAKER_01 21:37

Does that ever stop? Do you do you always have to kind of check on some things?

SPEAKER_03 21:42

I was gonna say we've been together 30 years, but I'm still I still no, I think I mean but my husband's completely fluid in English. My Finnish is not nearly quite so good. Um but I think you know that one of the things when we first got together, I remember having a conversation with my mom and obviously talking about some difficulty or other, and she's like, Do you think it's because he's Finnish and you're English and I said, I'm sure it is. And then the the men are from Mars and the women are from Venus who just went, Oh my god, no, it's because he's a man, we just have different communication styles. But it obviously it's neither one nor the other, but it's so I think that doesn't stop. And I think what what's that you know, be curious, not furious is my sort of mantra, and I which I teach all the couples I work with. I'm not always good at doing it myself, but I think coming from that good intention place, and you know, even now just checking have I understood that, have I understood? Because you were talking about humour earlier, and there's you know, British sense of humour. It's very unique, isn't it? It's unique, and there's this whole page of what Brits say or what Brits mean, like it's fine, doesn't mean it's fine. That's not bad, that's interesting. Like, no, that's not interesting, that's awful. You know, it's really sort of checking. I might have said this word, we might we might both know what this word means, but that actually wasn't what I meant. So I think, yeah, that that doesn't or shouldn't ever stop with all couples. Just you know, keep checking, keep one, you know, if I didn't if I doesn't follow that, let me just check what what did you say and what did I hear and what what did you actually mean? So I think that's a huge skill that a lot of couples don't have to, you know, monocultural couples maybe don't have to develop as early on as other couples are useful for everybody though.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

And how do cross-cultural couples maintain individuality while holding a shared identity together?

SPEAKER_02 23:19

I think for us it's been a lot about giving each other freedom. Um I think a lot of cross-cultural relationships that don't work. You cannot be a jealous type if you want a cross-cultural relationship, because if you're reading into body language and you're reading every every action and movement that's different from what you expect, and you're and you're thinking that there's a different meaning behind things all the time, that's just way too difficult and overwhelming. I think we are incredibly trusting and give each other a lot of freedom to pursue our own interests, to maintain our own cultures. You know, I know if badminton is on TV, that channel is going to be on. I mean, he follows or handball, I mean, these Danish sports that I have no interest or understanding of. Um and there are just ways that we allow each other that freedom. You know, he knows that I come up with all different kinds of ideas, crazy those businesses I want to build or things I want to do, and he supports every single thing I say and do, and I try to do the same for him. And it's that freedom and acceptance, I think, that allows the relationship to grow and build while still maintaining your individuality.

SPEAKER_01 24:29

Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. And for the quick round, we're on our final round now. So, what should people know before entering a cross-cultural relationship? Let's start with Jonathan.

SPEAKER_00 24:39

I think try and find out as much about the culture as you can. And like the 150 questions you mentioned sounds like a really good idea.

SPEAKER_01 24:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:46

But to find some way of managing conflict. Like, you know, look at the conflicts, you know, go traveling or whatever it is, but watch how you manage conflict and is it effective? Because if it is, you're in a much better place than if it's not.

SPEAKER_02 24:59

I would say the main thing you have to remember going into it is that love is not enough. You are not only marrying or entering a relationship with this individual, you are marrying an entire culture. You're marrying an individual of a family who is entrenched in a culture, and that family may not be as open and curious and accepting as your partner is. And you have to go in with open eyes. It's very easy to romanticize another culture, to believe everything's going to be so rosy and exciting, and but you have to really bring the reasoning side of your brain in to understand that love is not going to be enough. And you have to be ready to take on a much bigger role than than just being one individual's partner. And I think that's really important when entering into a cross-cultural relationship.

SPEAKER_03 25:49

Thank you, and Jane. I'd agree with both of those, but I think a lot of it is about flexibility. That you know it's not right or wrong, they're just different. Um, and that coming with that good from place of good intention and curiosity is absolutely key. But not just understanding the other culture, but understanding your own, because we often don't know what we do or why we do it. That's just how we've always done it. But being really open to self-discovery, I think, as well as the other person.

SPEAKER_01 26:12

Fantastic advice. Well, thank you for joining us today on Ella Podcasts. Love brings two people together, but culture can tear them apart. Intercultural relationships raise questions around race, religion, family, loyalty, identity, and belonging. For some couples, those differences don't impact the unison, while for others they divide. If you want to suggest a topic for our next episode, please join our Facebook group at Ella Podcast and message us. Please subscribe, rate, and share this podcast, sending you a big hug.