How to Keep the Spark Alive in Long-Term Relationships | Rebuilding Intimacy & Desire

Why do so many couples stop talking about intimacy? And is it really possible to reignite passion after years together?

In this honest and insightful episode of Ella Podcasts, we explore one of the biggest challenges long-term couples face: maintaining emotional and physical intimacy. As relationships evolve, desire often changes too—but that doesn’t mean connection has to disappear. 

Joining me are Dr Jonathan Marshall, leading clinical psychologist and former professor; Louise Sullivan, somatic coach and sexological bodyworker; and Shi Min, founder of Waves of Pleasure, who helps individuals and couples deepen intimacy, connection and sexual wellbeing. Together, they share practical advice on navigating mismatched desire, improving communication and rebuilding closeness.

Who Is This Video For?

Whether you’re in a long-term relationship, experiencing a loss of intimacy, or simply want to build a stronger emotional and physical connection with your partner, this episode offers practical guidance and reassurance.

In This Episode

* Why intimacy often changes over time
* Understanding spontaneous vs responsive desire
* How poor communication creates distance
* Rebuilding trust, touch and emotional connection
* Can relationships recover after a long dry spell?
* Practical ways to keep the spark alive

Key Takeaways

* Desire naturally changes throughout a relationship.
* Honest communication is essential for lasting intimacy.
* Small acts of affection can rebuild connection over time.
* Intimacy isn’t just about sex—it’s about emotional closeness, curiosity and understanding.
* With commitment and support, many couples can reconnect after years apart.

Conclusion

Healthy relationships don’t stay connected by chance—they require intention, communication and effort. This episode is a reminder that intimacy isn’t something we find once and keep forever. It’s something we nurture, together, throughout every stage of a relationship.

Keywords: intimacy, long-term relationships, marriage advice, sexless marriage, desire, healthy relationships, couples therapy, emotional intimacy, relationship advice, communication, love, Ella Podcasts

#EllaPodcasts #Relationships #Intimacy #Marriage #Love #Communication #Couples #RelationshipAdvice #MentalHealth #Connection

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:07

Hello, I'm Ella, and this is Ella Podcasts. We all think that finding the one, the right match, is the hardest part. But after years together, the hard part is actually staying in love, sustaining intimacy, and a deep emotional and physical connection. How do you keep intimacy alive in long-term relationships? What do you do when your desire for your partner fades, even though you still love them? Here to discuss this subject are Dr. Jonathan Marshall, a Stanford and Harvard graduate who's a leading clinical psychologist and a former professor. We also have Shi Min, founder of Waves of Pleasure. I love just saying that, Waves of Pleasure, guides individuals and couples in awakening, intimacy, loving relationships, and tantric sexuality and bodywork. And we have Louise Sullivan, a somatic coach and sexologist bodyworker, who studies the quest for deeper physical pleasure, authentic intimacy, and meaningful connection. So, Jonathan, why do couples avoid talking about declining intimacy?

SPEAKER_00 1:13

It's awkward and it can sound like rejection, like, you know, I don't really want to go to bed with you tonight, or like they to be able to talk candidly about what's going well and what isn't. It's so rife with potential hurt, and sex is such a sensitive area where if we feel hurt there, uh it can create a lot of problems. So I think a lot of people just kind of avoid it.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

Yeah, people can get very upset if you pass comment and it's seen as a big judgment, and before you know it, it's a rift. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Being there done that. Still hates me for it. Okay. Is it possible to sustain physical desire and passion for the same person over many years? What do you think, Louise?

SPEAKER_03 1:57

Absolutely. I think though, for us to fully answer the question, we really have to understand how desire works. So that that little word desire is packed with lots of nuance. So my answer is yes, and I'm a big advocate of that, and I'm I'd love to have more conversations about how to manage desire and arousal. But I think if if any of you have heard about Emily Nadgowski's work, who's she's really popularised different desire. There's like spontaneous desire and responsive desire. So, in answer to your question, I have to go to those two different desires. If you think about spontaneous desire, that's when you meet a new partner. It's hot, it's heavy, it's the movie style desire. You look across the room, you're ready to go, someone gets out of the shower, you're ready to go, there's no preparation required. We're on. That fades clearly. It's not like you wake up in the morning to someone's 10 years later and you've got that level of desire. But the most common desire, especially for women, is something called responsive desire. And that's rather than thinking about that person and being instantly on, responsive desire is responding to some form of erotic touch or erotic stimulus. So you might have a kiss, you might have a touch. So how that plays out in a long-term relationship is someone says, Do you want to have sex? And you're like, Not really. It's the last thing I feel like, you know, I still have emails, I still have house chores, I still have whatever I have. But when you choose yes and start from zero and then take the action that your body then can respond to, that's an opportunity to where your body says, Hmm, that's actually quite nice. I remember that. And before you know it, you're enjoying yourself. Does that make sense? I actually liken it to the going to a party. You know, your friend says, Do you want to go to a party? And you say yes on Monday, but Friday afternoon it's the last thing you feel like doing, and you just want to lie on the couch, but you drag yourself off the couch, you get in the shower, you get changed, and you go to the party. You don't feel like it at all. But once you get there and the music's going and there's a drink and you meet people you like, all of a sudden you realize you're having a good time.

SPEAKER_02 4:24

Very good points. And I've got a couple of friends who've been in very long-term marriages, you know, 25 years, 30 years, and you know, they they don't have physical relationships anymore. And I think it's a dangerous thing because that's when the affairs start, or you know, the distractions, and you know, if the guy still wants to have a sex life and the woman doesn't with him, it it puts on a you know a lot of pressure on the relationship, and you know it's important to keep it going.

SPEAKER_03 4:55

Yeah, and if we go back to that desire piece, the last thing about that desire piece is if we determine desire as spontaneous desire, we misdiagnose the absence of spontaneous desire as low libido or no desire at all. When in fact desire's there, it's just expressed in different ways and requires different stimulus.

SPEAKER_02 5:19

So do you think one person can meet all your physical and emotional needs?

SPEAKER_01 5:24

This is like asking, can you eat one food for the rest of your life? To me, uh it's more of like, for example, if this person is in a relationship with another person, uh, the partner would have met most of his or her needs. And but that doesn't mean that those needs which are unmet, he or she has to act on it. It's more about communication. How both of them could maybe do this together, meeting both of their needs in ways that uh can um improve their relationship.

SPEAKER_02 6:10

And I found it frustrating with my married girlfriends who've kind of said, you know, I'm out of business, no more. But the husband is also supposed to not want sex anymore. It's like, well, because I don't want it, you're you're not allowed to want it, and you're not allowed to cheat or deceive people. And to me, I've always said that's really unfair. You can't expect him with his good libido to not have it anything.

SPEAKER_03 6:38

Absolutely. And if you think about a marriage as an agreement or a partnership as an agreement, unless it's stated otherwise, there's an expectation that if you're committing to a monogamous relationship, that you're agreeing that sexual activity will continue throughout the relationship. Now, if one person says, I'm done, sorry, I don't feel like it anymore, okay, but it's insufficient for the person to leave their partner to deal with it alone, the fallout. That's insufficient for a partnership. It's at that point then a healthy couple will come together, reset, have a discussion about what are our options here, what support do we need? So that everybody's needs are met.

SPEAKER_01 7:23

Yes. And they are aligned together.

SPEAKER_02 7:27

Jonathan, any thoughts on couples who are in different places with their sexuality after long-term marriages?

SPEAKER_00 7:34

I think it's really tough. Uh I I think of a couple where uh she never wants to have sex again, and the idea that her husband will have any kind of sexual or physical contact with another woman drives her absolutely crazy. And so it's a very difficult situation. They haven't had sex for a decade. He's frustrated by the situation, she feels terrible about it, but uh there's no creative solution at the moment for this couple. Uh and just it's such a quagmire, it's such a incredibly sensitive, difficult place. Because if he were to do something, she would be in incredible pain. But he's also in a frustrating place.

SPEAKER_02 8:14

So I find out there's a lot of women in that situation. I always say, Well, if you don't want him, you can't blame him if someone else does. I mean, sexuality is part of your DNA as a human being, and you cannot be expected to shut it off because your partner's shut down. So I mean I think you get to And it's a bit of a vicious circle.

SPEAKER_03 8:34

So if a man is rejected long enough, there's a certain um emasculit what's the word emasculation that happens. So there's a certain point where a man will no longer be willing to be rejected. Right? So they stop asking. And then there's just no leadership or masculinity in the marriage, which means the woman's even less likely to be attracted to their partner, which is a vicious circle. It's really tough. It's really tough. And the only way to break that is to actually intervene and get support. There is support. Intervene and start to introduce back some form of intimacy. Intimacy does not have to mean penetrative sex, intimacy is intimacy. There's a whole host of touch and available ways to connect again.

SPEAKER_02 9:25

Or you say, well, my husband is allowed to go and you know get satisfied elsewhere if I'm not prepared to do it.

SPEAKER_03 9:33

And that's a valid option. And again, it takes communication, maturity, conversations, and support.

SPEAKER_02 9:40

Can relationships survive that, do you think?

SPEAKER_03 9:43

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:44

Absolutely. Yeah, as long as both parties are willing to put in the work. Because especially for long-term relationships, they would have gone through different stages and their love evolves as well. So towards the later stages, it may not be the hot, passionate love they experienced before. But it's how to sustain this relationship. Why and and it's useful to go back to the why. Why are they together in the first place? Why do they fall in love with each other in the first place?

SPEAKER_02 10:16

I'm always staggered when I'm when I always talk about my Tinder swiping. I'm so bored. But uh when I swipe, I'd say probably eight out of ten are married men.

SPEAKER_03 10:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:29

And they they often will say or their wives are not interested in in them anymore at all on any level. But you know, it's it's kind of a reoccurring story now, and it for me it gets a bit wearing. It's like, well, I just don't want to stay in these relationships.

SPEAKER_03 10:47

No, and I think that's where it's really important to advocate for your needs. It's okay for men to advocate for their needs. It really is okay, but that's a very challenging situation. But if they don't advocate, then the options are suffer for the rest of your life or be uh or have an affair and cheat, which is a massive breach of trust. So there needs to be some form of support to advocate for needs on both sides. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:20

Needs is a strong word. Like, you know, we we we to survive we need water, but to survive we don't need sex. Sex is a preference.

SPEAKER_02 11:28

I disagree with that. I think for some people, you know, if they are sexual, it's as important as food and water.

SPEAKER_00 11:35

They're not gonna die by not having sex. They might get grumpy, Ella. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 11:41

I think it affects many levels of your humanity. I mean, for some people it is an essential part of life and and uh you know it's as important as the essentials.

SPEAKER_03 11:54

And I think Jonathan, the key thing that I think we all agree on is it's not so much um whether someone needs sex, it's more is that a fundamental part of how they'd like to leave their life, and if you've got a fundamental disagreement about that and someone feels like they're really missing out on a core part of themselves, then that's not addressed, right?

SPEAKER_02 12:17

And there are different camps of people, I feel like there's always you know, a horny brigade, and then there's those people who aren't that fussed, and I think that's that becomes very problematic in relationships where it's not a good match sexually, all that all that connection fades and in different places. I mean it's you know it's difficult for people. So, what does a healthy sex life look like in for a long-term couple?

SPEAKER_00 12:48

I wonder if that's the right question. I mean, like, what is a happy couple? And for one couple it might be having lots of sex, and for another couple it might not. Um, I guess like what makes a happy couple? You know, people happy with each other. But certainly I think the research supports the idea that some level of physicality is important for most couples.

SPEAKER_02 13:10

Um and if they've had a long dry spell, is it possible to come back from that?

SPEAKER_00 13:14

I think it can be really tough, but yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 13:17

It's still possible. Yeah. And you've worked with clients who've had to reconnect sexually.

SPEAKER_01 13:23

Yes, because many reasons like stress at work, family. Uh this made them disociate with their bodies. They feel disconnected. So they shut themselves, they up, they feel numb, they withdraw into their shell. And so what makes them come out of it is usually the simplest things like giving them attention or even themselves through touch or through any part of the bodies, the senses. Yeah. And that will just re-ignite that that that little um feeling as inside of themselves, and then with each other. The curiosity again we mentioned before. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:13

And a lot of long-term relationships, they seem to just kind of take each other for granted and you know, don't really treat each other as boyfriend, girlfriend like they used to be. So that kind of I don't know, that chemistry just has changed. Do you think they can pull it back, Louise?

SPEAKER_03 14:31

Absolutely. Yeah. And I've seen that on numerous accounts where it doesn't look possible, but it is. But again, it takes a lot of work.

SPEAKER_02 14:39

It takes a kind of work they've done.

SPEAKER_03 14:42

Um, well, all sorts of things, but really just first a commitment to one another that they're willing to invest the time. You know, it uh for anything in life, we all know if we want to get good at something, we invest time and energy in doing that, right? We what do we do if we want to get better in our careers or fitness? We get a coach, we read books, we go to a workshop, we talk to our friends, we we watch videos. We don't do that with sex. We just assume we'll be good at it. We assume it'll maintain. Um we assume that we should know what we're doing, and we don't think that there's actually a required practice, you know. Like I like the the image of there's the concert and then all the practice leading up to the concert. We just expect a massive concert every time we attempt sexual activity. There's also all the practice. There really is. There's bumbling, awkwardness, practice, trying something new, experimenting. If we stop doing that, that's when the collapse can happen. One thing we haven't talked about at all that I think has um has a big bearing on intimacy is people's own responsibility for their self-pleasure. I mean, I won't go into the details, but when we stop pleasuring ourselves and investigating and uh uh exploring our own bodies, then a hundred percent of the responsibility of me being experiencing pleasure is on my partner. That's a lot of responsibility.

SPEAKER_00 16:19

It goes off and goes to the guy. Right? The guy should know how to pleasure. My boyfriend doesn't know that blah blah. And it's like, well, did you tell him no?

SPEAKER_03 16:26

No, haven't had the conversation, haven't haven't, haven't even discovered what I like or what's good for me, and then haven't taken the time to learn myself and then express that and communicate that, or spend time just pleasuring myself.

SPEAKER_01 16:41

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 16:42

Um, that's a big missing.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

Yes, we have to understand what feels good to ourselves first, and then we can tell the other person what we would like. Yeah, if not, it's just a guessing game. And then usually women get angry after a while, frustrated and men as well. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:58

You know, if you go back to the days of the Cortesans, yeah, the number one tenant when the Cortesans were being trained was the first thing they needed to do was master experiencing and receiving pleasure. Because they weren't ever able to ex be expected to give pleasure expertly before they could receive pleasure. So they needed to self-pleasure and receive pleasure. I think there's something in that for all of us. Can we receive pleasure? Have we spent time exploring that as well as giving pleasure? Yeah. Giving and receiving.

SPEAKER_02 17:31

Yes, the magic combination, which is sometimes a bit elusive.

SPEAKER_00 17:36

You were asking earlier about like couples who say haven't been physically intimate for a long time, what you can do. Sometimes it's because of hurt or infidelities or or that there's sort of a bigger issue of acrimony between them. And I think in those situations it's it's going slowly, but I think also being honest about your sex life, like trying to make those repairs while also maintaining one or two affairs. It it just I've never seen that work.

SPEAKER_03 18:02

You know, one practice that I love that I took on in my own life was asking frequently my husband, what is something you don't want to tell me? Not to un uncover infidelity. But more from the peak, the piece, like you've said, of underlying resentment of things building up. Yeah. And if anything, even it's just it just really annoys me when you leave your dish by the side of the sink.

SPEAKER_02 18:29

It could be to say something like, Don't tell me he's into lady boys.

SPEAKER_03 18:34

It could be that. But that won't be uncovered if we're not talking about the dish near the sink. I'm serious. Like the smallest, tiniest little things that start to grate are the thing that then erodes, and then we're irritated, and irritation arousal can't happen on irritation. Yeah. Right? So having that question and being willing to stay committed to being communication can keep the space clear enough so that people can be intimate.

SPEAKER_02 19:01

Okay, well on to our last round, quick fire points. How to rebuild intimacy.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

She mean be present with each other. And it can be just smaller than things like looking at each other in the eyes, or just shooking each other's bodies, or just hugging. The simple things that matter.

SPEAKER_03 19:24

Tending to each other and time to communicate daily. Even if it's just ten minutes.

SPEAKER_00 19:30

Reminding yourself of something that you appreciate about the other and trying to remind yourself frequently.

SPEAKER_02 19:36

Sounds good. Good tips. Thank you for joining us today on Ella Podcasts. Sadly, intimacy isn't something you find and keep. It evolves and requires effort to keep the spark alive. A change in intimacy creates closeness or creates distance. It's vitally important for couples to have honest conversations before silence sets in. If you want to suggest a topic for our next episode, please join our Facebook group at Ella Podcasts and message us. Please subscribe, rate, and share this podcast, sending you a big sexy hug.