A Client Story: How to Turn Relationship Triggers Into Healing

Have you ever done all the work, read all the books, understood your attachment style, and then gotten into a relationship and found yourself right back in the same patterns?

That's where Lizzy was when she found me. Painfully self-aware, years of therapy under her belt, and still getting activated in ways she couldn't shift in the moment. In this episode, I'm bringing a former client onto the podcast for the first time to share her story, her experience of our work together, and what actually allowed her to create change.

This episode is for anyone who knows their attachment style, understands where it came from, and still feels like their nervous system takes over the moment relationships start to deepen.

In this episode:

• Why insight alone is often not enough to shift deep relational patterns
• What somatic parts work actually looks like in practice, through Lizzy's real experience
• The "not enough" wound, where it comes from, and how it shows up in dating
• How to tell the difference between your own projection and genuine incompatibility
• What it feels like when grief actually metabolizes from your body rather than just being managed

Key takeaways:

• You can't do all your healing alone. Some wounds only reveal themselves in relationship
• Triggers are not the enemy. They're a roadmap back to the parts of you still needing tending
• Worthiness isn't just a belief. It's something that has to shift in your body to change how you show up in relationships.
• The goal isn't a perfectly calm, regulated nervous system. It's a flexible one

Reflection question: What if your triggers weren't evidence that something is wrong, but a roadmap back to the parts of you that are asking for your attention?

Connect with Lizzy

IG: @lizzyfromtheblock__

Connect with Lindsey
www.lindseybournecoaching.com

Waitlist for my mini-course, How to Actually Move Through the Power Struggle https://forms.gle/PifhFf8DxwFSvAv28

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and/or leave a review to help the podcast reach more listeners! <3

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Relational Alchemy, a podcast exploring how the patterns we live out in love, relationships, and everyday life hold the keys to our deepest healing. I'm Lindsay Bourne, a relationship and couples coach, and my hope is that each episode offers you insight, perspective, and a grounded sense of direction for the shifts you're ready to make in your own life and relationships. Shifts that move you out of fear or survival and into greater expansion, connection, and possibility. This is a space for learning how our most tender pain can be alchemized into our greatest source of growth and transformation. Hello, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Relational Alchemy. Today I am so excited to be joined by one of my former clients, Lizzie. Lizzie is navigating dating in her 30s and has spent years exploring personal growth, relationships, and healing. After decades of traditional therapy, she found that somatic parts work became the missing piece that helped her create lasting change. She's passionate about sharing her journey openly and is beginning to create content about dating and healing in hopes that others feel a little less alone. Outside of that, you'll usually find her at the gym, traveling, or yapping with friends. So this is actually the first time I'm bringing a client onto the podcast to share their story. And I'm so grateful that Lizzie was willing to do this with me. When I talk so much about my work on my own, so I thought it'd be really powerful to give all the listeners just a little sense of what this work looks like from a different perspective. And I specifically reached out to Lizzie because I think she represents so many of the people who find me and listen to this podcast. She had already done so much of her own work. She'd been in therapy for years, she had read the books, knew she had an anxious attachment, and even understood where it came from in her childhood. So she wasn't lacking insight and she knew her patterns. And yet, when she got into relationships, her nervous system still responded the same way. She found herself getting activated and feeling like she couldn't actually shift to those experiences in the moment. And I think it's such an important distinction because so many people think if I just understand myself enough, my patterns will go away. And often that's not how healing works. Insight alone and talking about your patterns is often not enough to actually shift them at a cellular embodied level. And that's why so much of my work focuses on somatic and subconscious healing. And the other reason I wanted to have Lizzie on the podcast is because we actually only worked together for about a month. We did four sessions together. And the amount of change that happened during that time was really remarkable. And even more so, just how that transformation has continued to happen after our work has ended. So I will let her share all of that in her own words. But Lizzie, it is such an honor to have you here with me today. So welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

Thank you so much. I'm super excited for this conversation and I'm extremely grateful that you asked me to join.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

Yeah, so I'd love to just start kind of from the beginning. I would love for you to paint a picture of where you were at before you reached out. We started working together, and then what really compelled you to reach out?

SPEAKER_01 3:04

Yeah, I think to start, every therapist I've ever had has called me painfully self-aware. And so to your point, I had tried just about everything. And you hear all these buzzwords about inner child and attachment styles and toxicity and all these things. So it got to a point in dating where I would go into a new relationship feeling really confident that I had done the work, that I had healed enough, and yet I still found myself really triggered or activated in certain situations. And I tried to zoom out and look at it from a different perspective, thinking, is this my intuition or is this person toxic? Or is this person bad for me? Or am I just still unhealed? I thought I already healed enough. So I think just the universe, the internet, my algorithm pointed me to you randomly one day. And I was like, this makes a lot of sense. I like what she's talking about. And so I think I just followed you. And I was dating someone a couple months in when I first started following you. And I found myself in a dynamic with someone who I knew was a really good human and was a safe man, but I still was having trouble speaking up for myself or navigating difficult conversations. So I actually started talking to you and working with you at a point in that relationship where I think we were about to become official. And I just wanted to show up as the best version of myself for that dynamic that was about to be solidified into something more serious. And I was like, hey, I think I still have some residual trauma, some residual things that I need to focus on or heal more from. So I wanted your help just to be able to continue to show up in a very mature and healthy way for that relationship, for him and for us together. So that's kind of how I found you. Do you remember what part of my messaging resonated with you or spoke to you? I think it was something like you found yourself in a healthy relationship, yet you're still triggered. Like, what the heck's up with that kind of thing? And I'm like, yes, that's literally me. What is wrong with me? I thought I've done enough work. What is going on? And I've always been someone who thinks and believes in the whole mirror theory that we are all mirrors to one another. And that's been illustrated to me by a former therapist who said something like, You could walk into a bar as a beautiful woman, and there's going to be a whole bunch of women that see you walk in and go, I love her curly hair. She seems so fun. I want to be her friend. And then there's other women who see you walk in and go, I hate her just because you're beautiful, right? And so I was like, oh, that makes a lot of sense that we are all just mirroring what is unhealed about ourselves. So I think when I found you and I'm getting all triggered, I'm like, is it him or is it me? What is wrong with me? And so I wanted to kind of dig a little bit deeper into that with you.

SPEAKER_00 6:12

Yeah. And I feel like that is like a golden question, you know, is the activation I'm feeling because the relationship is incompatible, or maybe this person isn't really fully in it, or is the activation because of my own unresolved, unhealed parts of myself? And I love helping people sort of tease that apart because I think at the end of the day, which I've shared with you, is when you get yourself into a relationship, that's going to bring up all of your shit. And even if it ultimately means it's not the right person or you are incompatible, at least you've used the relationship experience to look at your own stuff, you know? And so I think that was actually what happened with you is you were in this relationship and it didn't end up working out long term, but like a beautiful mirror for some of the work that you are still needing to do on your own.

SPEAKER_01 7:00

Exactly. I would say that's like probably the biggest takeaway that I learned from you is that most people think that you have to show up 100% healed to a relationship. But the truth is there's not a single person out there in the whole entire universe that will not trigger the shit out of you. Like, even if you are like, I've I'm good, I'm showing up perfect. No, it's it's just not possible. But to me, now that after I've worked with you, I believe that love is just two people that have decided, hey, we're both gonna trigger each other. But what a beautiful experience for alchemy for us to turn this pain or this unhealed parts of ourselves into something beautiful and transform it into something better. And that's oftentimes where I think relationships don't work out is one person, like for me in the dynamic with the man I was referring to when I first started talking to you. I was like, wow, what a cool reflection. I'm learning all about myself through these triggers and through these activations that I'm triggered about him by, but he wasn't interested and he wasn't ready for that mirror that I was holding up to him. And so we just ultimately didn't work out. So now I'm excited for my future of dating now that I've kind of worked with you and know that triggers are just a beautiful opportunity to learn more about yourself and to dig deeper and heal. So I never looked at it that way before.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

Yeah. And I think it's so natural. And I think this is maybe a place that you were in when we started working together, is when you're triggered, it's so easy to just fixate on the other person that he's the source of your pain, that if he could do something different, then you would feel better. But it's really always doing the you-turn back to self and understanding, yeah, what is actually mine here? You know, and I think that the more we were together, you actually were able to see how much of it was yours.

SPEAKER_01 8:46

Yeah, absolutely. As far as becoming healed to a dynamic, I think I often like to use sports analogies. So I think you could put up a thousand free throws in the gym just by yourself and show up at the game and still miss the game-winning free throw because you didn't know that there was gonna be all of these noises in the crowd and the shrock clock and all these things. But I think after working with you, I'm like, it's okay for me to miss a couple free throws in a game. I just want someone to get my rebound and to be like, it's okay for you to be triggered. This is an opportunity for you to grow. And so I'm no longer afraid of my own triggers because I know it's the key to digging deeper into myself. So it's really exciting.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

I love that so much. I think that what you're saying is such an important point of we can do all the self-work on our own. A lot of people do that and they think, you know, I'm in such a great place. I'm healed, and then they get into the relationship, and then there it all is again. Because there's some healing work you can only really do in relationship with others. There's only some things that get activated in relationship with others, especially because it's so attachment-based and relational and nervous system-based. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. So I'd love to talk about you used this term, some residual things happening. Talk a little bit about what were some of the residual things still happening and what was getting mirrored back to you in this dynamic with this person.

SPEAKER_01 10:06

Yeah. After about three months, he and I hadn't really moved forward towards being exclusive or having a title. And I think I was ready for that natural progression. And it was one of his own boundaries to not ask that question until a certain time, like a three, four months, whatever it was. And so I was feeling like, have I not auditioned enough? Have I not checked all of your boxes enough? And so you helped me figure out, like, oh, this is me feeling like I'm not enough. But I know that 34-year-old Lizzie has so much to offer and is enough and is whole enough, you know, despite my triggers, despite my flaws, to be chosen and to be loved. And so my core wounds, if you will, were like, you're not enough. You're doing something wrong, or you have to be performative in order to get him to want to make you his girlfriend or choose you. And so that was really where I think the beginning of our conversations about that not enough wound came from.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

Yeah. And then the work that we did to teasing apart was that your projection of your attachment wounds, or was it actually because he wasn't ready for the things that you were ready for? It's like such a nuanced conversation to have.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

For sure. I was thinking, is this me being codependent or my former attachment styles stirring up? Or is it that I actually am not enough for this person? Right. And so to your point, I was almost ruminating often to just think like, what am I doing wrong? What parts of myself are not good enough? And it was just this spiral. And so I think when I came to you, I didn't know that he and I, just not even a few weeks after I met you, were going to actually end things and it was gonna get even worse. But the fact that it did get even worse allowed me to have even more triggers. And that was the really the only way that we got to access different parts of me that I'd never expected to pop up. You know, like I said earlier, I've done all this inner child work and all of these things, and it's easy to be triggered and go, oh, this is just little Lizzie thinking that she's not good enough. But you showed me kind of the path to actually access that person inside of me versus just talking about it, being like, it's okay, little Lizzie, you're good enough. That just didn't work. So I think the somatic piece of it really solidified things for me and helped me access parts of myself I didn't know were possible to access.

SPEAKER_00 12:34

Yeah. And so just to give the listeners a little bit of understanding, I led Lizzie through a version of parts work, a version of inner child work, but not a very general inner child parts work, but a very specific. It's basically we were working with the sensations that were present in your body. So whether that be the tightness in your chest or different sensations each session, and especially after you would come in and you would talk about what had happened or what you were feeling or experiencing, and we would take the sensation in your body and we would get you into sort of a meditative state, and we would understand who that part of you was that was still carrying this pain from your past. Yeah. And then we were able to contact that part, we were able to spend time with that part, we were able to show up for that part in a way that your parents or an adult wasn't at the time. Yeah. And we were really able to help that part of you hold that pain and kind of co-regulate that big overwhelming emotion it was experiencing at the time. Yeah. Do you want to give an example of one of the parts that we met and worked with?

SPEAKER_01 13:40

I would love to, yeah. We got to meet two of my parts, which didn't even know that was possible, which is pretty cool. I think to be honest, Lindsay, I came into this thinking like, I know exactly what part of me is gonna pop up, right? It's me at this age and this life experience I knew, but you tried to get me out of my head and trust that whatever was gonna reveal itself was gonna reveal itself. And I'm like, okay, whatever. But I think what was really cool about what you taught me and what you walked me through is just the ability to metabolize grief through the parts work. And so it started, I think the first part that we met, I was what, 12 years old, 12-year-old Lizzie. And you're like, whatever pops up in the screen of your mind, just trust that that's who's who's coming to the surface. And I'm like, what the heck? It's like me as a sixth grader, the first day of school, I had my stuff for my locker and all of this, and she's waiting outside for the bus. And it was just a really interesting experience. And you, you know, kind of guided me to what happens if you go up and try to talk to her. And what in 12-year-old Lizzie do I was like, who the heck are you? And I was skeptical of my 34-year-old self. And so I thought that was really kind of comical, actually, because I'm like, of course, she would be like, Who the F are you? So I think over time, with each additional session with you, she eventually invited me up to her room and got to sit on my old bed and just be with her. It wasn't any like go give your inner child a hug. Like it wasn't any of that. It was more just like getting in touch and gaining contact every time and building that trust. And then I think at a later time, oh, also I forgot to say that through your somatic guiding and meditative state, it was that was the pain that I felt in my chest. And so you instructed me to breathe into my chest. And that's how we came in contact with 12-year-old Lizzie. And then a different time, uh different session, I was talking and I got like a frog in my throat, and it was a different sensation. So you're like, oh, I bet that's a different part of you. And again, not knowing who was gonna pop up, what was gonna appear, but just breathing into that part of my body, we got to meet 28-year-old Lizzie, who is in a not great relationship. And I got to make contact with her in my old apartment, and I opened the door and she just jumped into my arms and she wanted a hug. So it was really cool from that perspective to see that each of those different parts of me that are makes me like an emotional, just needed different things from me now in this timeline in this lifetime. So I think that was really beautiful. And I do still continue to like get in touch with them, even if I'm like, I haven't been dating the last couple of months. So no big triggers that way romantically. But I was triggered at work the other day, just annoyed by something silly. And I was feeling like, why doesn't this person trust me to make this decision? And I thought, this is me not feeling good enough. Interesting. And so their sixth grade Lizzie was again, and I was just able to get in touch with her that way too. But you were like, you can even have those parts meet each other at some point. I thought, how cool would it be to have 34-year-old Lizzie, 28-year-old Lizzie, and 12-year-old Lizzie just like all having a campfire together kind of thing. So I don't know, I just think it's incredible. And even just the experience of going and sitting on my bed with 12-year-old me. It wasn't anything else other than just that. And even that experience helped me metabolize the grief that I was experiencing in the present time. So I just think it's so freaking cool. It really truly changed my life in so many ways.

SPEAKER_00 17:30

I'm so happy to hear that. Yeah, I love what you're saying because sometimes it's these parts of us hold these intense experiences alone. So just the presence of an adult, a grounded adult, can make such a big difference. And then I just want to name something else you described was, you know, our parts live in our bodies as sensations. So the parts of us that experience really difficult things growing up, whether that be a parent's divorce or being bullied in middle school or being yelled at when you're six years old, et cetera, these parts of us hold on to this pain and it gets stored and crystallized in our system. Yeah. And they live in our body as sensations. And then we have things in our life that trigger them, you know, and then all of a sudden we're acting, thinking, and feeling as if we're six years old or 12 years old or et cetera. And so I think you would describe that really beautifully. As soon as we took a sensation in your body you were feeling and really anchored to it and breathed into it, memories and images just started to kind of appear. And that's really this idea that our subconscious will speak to us through the body. So if we just get really into the body, all of a sudden these painful memories and images and beliefs from your subconscious will start to sort of arise and come forward. And then that gives you this material to really work with in a very experiential way. And one other experience that we had with one of your parts, if you don't mind me sharing, I just think was so beautiful. So we worked with a part of you that felt not enough. And so to me, when there's a part that feels not enough, there's shame present. And I was so reminded that when we contact a part of us that holds shame, you often can't just go directly to it. You know, they are shame is a very isolating experience, and you want to carry that alone. You don't want to be seen in shame often. And so I remember we were contacting one of your parts, and instead of trying to do anything directly with her, you started to play a game with her, I think. And then she wanted to take you to the garden. Do you want to share a little bit about that?

SPEAKER_01 19:28

Oh, I've heard about that. Yeah, it was it was 12-year-old Lizzie, and I grew up in Wisconsin on a big farm. And if I called my brother stupid or something, my punishment was to go out to our really big garden and I would have to weed, but I loved it because I would go and just be quiet by myself and eat carrots and tomatoes right off the plant, you know? So I kind of tried to talk to her about what had happened maybe at school that day and how a boy just didn't think she was cute or whatever it was, and she didn't want to talk about it. And so I was like, okay, I'll just, I'll just sit here then. And she was like, Would you want to come out to the garden with me though? And I know what that means. So I'm like, heck yeah, I want to go to the garden. Like, are you shitting me? That's so exciting. This is my favorite place. So she took me out there. And to me, that was symbolic of, hey, I trust you. And hey, I'm taking you to the safe place because you are safe to me. And I I know that you're here for a good reason. And so that was just really profound and beautiful. It was kind of that light bulb moment where I was like, oh my gosh, Lindsay, she's taking me to the garden. This is this is healing, right? Like, this is the core of not feeling enough. She took me to her safe place. So that was really beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

I forgot about that. Yeah. And then the funny part too that we laughed so hard about was you were like, She's putting me to work. She's making me weed.

SPEAKER_01 20:52

I was just sitting there with her watching her weed, and she's like, Are you gonna do something? And I'm like, This is so Lizzie coded. Like, of course, I would be a brat and be like, get to work. I'm like, oh, not much changes, isn't that funny?

SPEAKER_00 21:05

Yeah, but I loved how your humor showed up in your parts too. They're curious, changeful experiences, but it was just so you at your core still. Yeah. Oh funny. Yeah, that was really cool. Yeah. So I want to actually bring up that idea because we talked about that quite a lot. And I know that was a big takeaway for you, is this idea of metabolizing emotions from your body rather than just kind of like stewing in them. And so I'm curious, yeah, what you learned about that or how you distinguish it, or what your experience with that was.

SPEAKER_01 21:34

Yeah, I mean, even to your point of just 12-year-old me inviting me to the garden to put me to work, like you come out of that contact with that part and you come out of that meditative state and immediately feel lighter. And that tight sensation in my chest, the frog in my throat, it subsides. It just doesn't feel as intense or strong. And that's when I was able to physically feel. Feel through the subconscious work that holy shit, that tightness that metabolized. It's now processed. And so I think my whole life, I've thought, haven't I healed enough? Haven't I done enough work? Haven't I read enough books? But those emotions and that trauma is still stored in your body. And so through the somatic work, I think you taught me that it's possible to actually truly metabolize that grief or that shame or that not enough, you know, whatever label you want to put on it, and you come out of it lighter. And then the next time you're triggered, it doesn't feel quite as intense, right? And you're like, oh my gosh, it's actually working. And it was much easier to get in contact with those parts of me every single time. I've done it since then too. So you kind of just build this relationship and this trust where you're able to be triggered. And instead of ruminating and sitting in it and spiraling and checking their Instagram a thousand times and seeing if they texted you, right? So many women are guilty of that. So many men are guilty of that. That I wasn't doing those things anymore. I was just like, oh, I'm triggered. What a great opportunity for me to metabolize this. And it gets faster and faster every time. So that's such a great tool that you gave me.

SPEAKER_00 23:15

Yeah. And I love that because I think what you're talking about, the former of just like feeling a feeling and then just wanting to distract yourself from it. So like your phone, watching TV, reaching for a substance, uh, ruminating, whatever it is. And it just takes us actually away from the feeling. So one is sort of avoiding the pain, and one is actually, could I actually just be with the pain? Can I just be with the grief? Can I be with the shame? Can I be with the fear rather than reaching for this addictive, compulsive behavior that's taking me away from the pain? Because it's interesting because those addictive, compulsive behaviors that take us away from the pain, that's our system's way of trying to feel better or escape the pain. But really, what those do they just keep us spinning in it, right? Yep. So when we're ruminating or on our phone, that pain just kind of like it just stays stuck in place in our bodies. But when we anchor to the sensation, we just breathe into the pain rather than getting into the story about it or all the other things. We actually start to release it and metabolize it from our body. So it's like the combination of just actually feeling the emotion that needs to be felt and bringing breath and regulation to it that actually just dissipates it. For sure.

SPEAKER_01 24:25

And of course, some people process or don't process by just avoiding. And then some people like me, I wanted to process those emotions. I wanted to figure out where the heck they were coming from. I wanted that feeling out of my body, but not just by distracting with something else. So I'm like, I used to just sit and try to cry and let it out, right? I would have pretty decent, I think, ways of coping or processing emotions. I'm definitely someone who lets feelings flow through me, but I never got to the root of like actually where this is coming from. And through metabolizing it, I feel like I was finally able to do that.

SPEAKER_00 25:07

Yeah, that's really cool. So the not enough. So we worked a lot on that, just these kind of core childhood experiences that really gave you that feeling of not enough. Do you want to share a little bit about where those came from? And I was just thinking about when you said earlier, I felt like I had to perform to progress with this person I was dating or to kind of take it to the next phase. And I'm just curious what that brings up for you based on your past.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

Yeah. I think a lot of people in their childhood can resonate with having a parent who's maybe physically absent. Um, so you bid for attention or affection in that way, and nothing ever seems quite good enough. Or they may resonate with having a parent be physically there, but be emotionally unavailable. And you were never really taught how to process those feelings, even if you're like me and you have really big feelings. And then that trickles into adulthood in relationships where you feel like you're too much. I can't share my feelings. I'm dysregulated emotionally because you don't know how to process all of those emotions. So I think it was just a combination of all of those things for me happening where I'm like, I'm emotionally dysregulated as hack. I want to process these things. They don't feel good just sitting and ruminating in, but I don't know how to do it.

SPEAKER_00 26:25

And so being about that kind of idea we talked about earlier, when you get activated in a relationship, is this mine or is this relationship? Once you were able to really understand the roots of your own not enough wound and how it was showing up for you, how were you able to distinguish what maybe you were projecting onto the relationship or what you were actually was like a mismatch between the two of you?

SPEAKER_01 26:47

Yeah. I think one theme that kept popping up in our conversations was when you're triggered to sit with those feelings and not have it mean anything about you. I remember the first time you said that to me and I was like, yuck, hate that idea. Cause I'm like, of course it means something about me, but really it doesn't. So that was really, really hard for me because I'm like, of course, this if this person is doing this thing, it has to mean I'm either not good enough or I'm doing too much, or you know, fill in the blank whatever is being activated for you. So that definitely was a thing.

SPEAKER_00 27:25

So you were making some of his actions mean something about you. Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:31

I think we all do that for sure. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 27:34

And that to me just points to worthiness, attaching your worth to something outside of you. And I think that was a theme for you in the relationship was wanting certain actions from him so that you could feel enough.

SPEAKER_01 27:44

Yeah, wanting to feel chosen, wanting to feel, yeah. If this person asks me to be their girlfriend, then I am good enough versus just inherently being good enough and being whole and being worthy. So yeah, that's spot on.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

Yeah. And I think anytime we are placing our worthiness or value in something outside of us, I think the universe gives us experiences to bring that back to ourselves. And I ultimately think that was a big part of this experience for you is how much of your worth you were placing in the hands of this relationship working out or becoming official, and then that relationship not working out, but you doing then the beautiful work of being like, what if this actually wasn't about my worthiness at all?

SPEAKER_01 28:25

Yeah. What was really, really cool is after things ended with him over a text, by the way. Crazy. I was over it so quickly, like more than you know, previous breakups and things of that nature, just because I had already processed and metabolized so much of that grief, so much of that shame. His actions of sending me a breakup text meant nothing about me at that point. I had been like, you know what? My future husband would never do that. You know, that that doesn't indicate me being less worthy of being loved or anything. So it was really cool experience and timing that all of that kind of went down through working with you because I was like, oh, I'm good actually. This is really great. And the few times that I did feel some grief in the weeks to come after that, I was able to just sit in it and allow those emotions to tell me more about what maybe residual things were lingering there. But it was just a beautiful experience because I was able to zoom out and go, you know what, I'm really grateful for that whole experience with him because I was able to come home to myself. I feel like literally today or yesterday, you posted on your Instagram saying, like, how cool is it that your job is to help people come home to themselves. And I think you really gifted that to me.

SPEAKER_00 29:50

Yeah, I think that was inspired by what someone wrote on one of my posts. What was it? Um, understanding self through other. And I think that is just the most powerful thing. It's the mirror. Yeah. It's like I think in dating and relationships, we all get triggered and make it about the other person, you know. But if we can actually use it as an experience to look back at ourselves, it's just it it brings us back into contact with these deep, deep, deep wounds and limiting beliefs and fears and insecurities. And I ultimately believe that this dating experience that didn't work out for you was just such a beautiful experience to really redirect you back to yourself because I think you will now have such more beautiful, healthy, conscious relationships, knowing that you've done so much of your own work now.

SPEAKER_01 30:37

Yeah. I forgot to say this earlier. One of the trending themes when I first met you too, like, tell me about what happens usually in dating with you, was that I would just stick around even when I knew it wasn't going to work out for me. And I would still try to be performative or have them choose me to be feel worthy. Instead of just the moment that they weren't showing up in the way that I needed, or I knew we weren't aligned, that I didn't have that confidence to walk away. And so that was another just testament to healing and through metabolizing all of that. It helps you move different in future relationships and future conversations, right? You just feel more confident to be able to navigate those triggers as they come up to. So I thought that was really cool.

SPEAKER_00 31:24

It just like speaks to the level of worthiness that I think has returned to you. And I think it's so interesting too because feelings of not enough is a belief, which means it's energetic actually in your body. It's not just a thought. So it's if you feel not enough, it's not enough. No pun intended to just be like, I am enough, you know, I am enough. It's literal energy in your body related to these parts and these unprocessed emotions. And so I think it's a really cool testament to the amount of work that you did and then to feel so much more enough and worthy in an embodied way and not just like an intellectual, like, I am enough, I am enough, but an actual shift in your body to show up and relate differently to dating.

SPEAKER_01 32:07

Definitely grateful to be showing up differently in in dating.

SPEAKER_00 32:11

Yeah, and outsourcing that worth to these. That's exactly it. Yeah. So we've talked a lot about the not enough wound, how that showed up for you, how that was connected to your past, how that can could sometimes get projected onto the person you were dating, and then placing your worthiness in his hands to feel enough. And I'm wondering if there's anything too around the anxious attachment. So it's all very connected, I would say, but anything specifically around anxious attachment that felt alive for you or felt like you were able to shift through our work together.

SPEAKER_01 32:42

Yeah, gosh, probably. I think earlier we were talking about just ruminating and wanting to turn on a show or read a book to try to not think about that. That's all anxious attachment activated, right? You're like texted them, and every minute that ticks by feels like an hour, and you're, you know, I just I don't do any of those things anymore. I think to what you just said a few minutes ago, you're not outsourcing your worthiness based on someone's actions. And that could be how fast they text you back or what they say or what they do or how they treat you. None of that is about you. And of course, that's all the mirror, but yeah, I think most of my life I'd labeled myself as codependent or as anxiously attached. And through that experience with the guy that I was dating, I think I'm finally way more securely attached with some maybe sprinkles of anxiously attached, you know, coming back up. Cause again, I'm human, I'm not fully healed. And those experiences are just now they would be exciting to me because I'd be like, okay, this is an opportunity to connect with a part of me that is, you know, still needing to metabolize some grief or some shame or some not good enough, whatever it is. But you're right, they're definitely all very intimately intertwined with each other.

SPEAKER_00 34:02

Yeah. The one thing I was thinking about for you two, and this is very common with anxious attachments, something I've been talking about recently was anxious, attached, anxiously attached people really want certainty, you know, they want to know when they're gonna hear back, when you're gonna become boyfriend and girlfriend. They they seek safety through certainty, you know. And it's like I think when anxiously attached people feel uncertain in dating or in love, whatever relationships, that's when a lot of the anxious attachment can really come up. And so I'm curious, yeah, what that brings up for you. Yeah, oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_01 34:35

I think that's really the crux of all of it is you want to feel safe and you want to do everything that you can to not be triggered, even though it's not possible. And so you create this false sense of control and want everything to be a certain way. And if they would just ask me to be their girlfriend, then I would feel okay, or if they would just text me back, then I won't feel anxious. Like all of those are just made-up constructs in our own mind based on these attachment styles. So definitely resonate with all of that for sure.

SPEAKER_00 35:10

Yeah. And it's like this idea of placing your anchor of safety outside of yourself and into his actions, basically, or how the relationship is going. You know, if it's if you're hearing back and you know when the next date is, you feel safe. But if you don't hear back or something shifts, or you even feel like uh maybe a pulling back energy, or he has to set boundaries. I'm just making of examples, yeah. Anxious attachment gets really activated and you want to then control, you seek control to feel safe, right? And certainty control are kind of like hand in hand, but it's if you feel certain or in control, then you feel safe. But like you said, like the chicken or the egg, right? Yeah. And it's like an illusion of safety and love. It's like that's the illusion, is we think we can be certain or control or actually absolutely know, but it's like we can never ever know. So it's a losing game to try to control love or to feel certain. All we have to do is actually do the U-turn back to self. And can I build the internal safety to actually withstand uncertainty or to withstand the vulnerability of love and relationships, which could include loss, it could include betrayal, etc. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:22

And knowing that if any of those things happen, that you're still gonna be okay, I think is like at the core of that. You turn back to yourself. Yeah. And the control piece is you always hear you can't control what anyone else does. You can only control how you respond. It's cheesy, it's corny, whatever, but it's very true. And by you wanting to control how fast they respond to you or who they follow on Instagram, or you know, fill in the blank whatever is activating you, that's just it's not possible to control someone else. So I think I was able to really pivot from that anxious attachment and say, however, someone is showing up for you is simply just information. And I get to do with that what I want. And learning how to like regulate your own nervous system, that is the control I think that kind of helps heal anxiously attached people is I can be the one to regulate my own nervous system through the voobra, through meditation, whatever, all of these other tools in your toolbox that you shared with me. But there's a lot of ways to just come back to yourself and not rely on someone else to calm you down because that is how codependency really takes root.

SPEAKER_00 37:32

Yeah. And it drives people away, it sabotages relationships and it creates such chaos in your system. I mean, it's just so deeply triggering. So good. And yeah, it feels really, really difficult when your sense of safety is dependent on someone else's actions. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And it's interesting too, because I like to talk too about also just the energy behind things because it's all energetic. So when we're thinking about dating, and you can have needs, you can want to hear back from someone, you can want, you know, but it's like, what is the energy behind it? Is it anxious and fear-driven and fear of abandonment? And is it that like I'm not okay unless this happens, or is it like I'm actually grounded and I'm just stating a need? Like it's just very different energy. So sometimes people come to me and they're like, Should I should I ask for this? And I'm like, Well, what is the energy behind it? Is it graspy, clingy, fear-based, scarcity-based? Or is it just a grounded adult energy or trying to just create clarity between the two of you? That's very different. So I yeah, I like to make that distinction because I don't want to ever make people feel like they can't state their needs or they can't expect things out of people. You know, but it is it is definitely the energy behind it. And often you can feel it in your body. You're like, is this an inner child energy? Like an inner child wants to throw a tantrum, they want to get their way, they're not okay if they don't. It's a different energy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:54

And the other person can feel that too.

SPEAKER_00 38:57

Yeah, exactly. Okay, so now I want to move into a little bit of painting the picture of what life has looked like since our work together.

SPEAKER_01 39:04

Yeah, I think energetically, as we were talking about, I definitely feel lighter and there's a sense of confidence that is lying behind everything, whether it's navigating a dating app or showing up at work or whatever it may be. But there's this just confidence that if I am triggered or if things go south, that I can come to home to me, take that U-turn and navigate those emotions. So I just have a different approach and mindset towards processing emotions and metabolizing those emotions. So physically I feel lighter and I guess more confident altogether.

SPEAKER_00 39:49

Yeah, and I love that because I feel like our triggers are always like a roadmap back to ourselves. And it sounds like you're able to really do that yourself now, that navigation of what just got touched here, what was the belief, what's the emotion? How can I metabolize it a little bit? And then how can I just move forward?

SPEAKER_01 40:05

Yeah, it definitely feels more regulated as far as my nervous system altogether, whether it's something that's annoying you at work or a personal trigger or a dating trigger, whatever it is, just feeling more grounded in returning to myself. What do you feel most proud of? Ooh, I love this question. I feel most proud that I wanted to or just had the curiosity to want to figure out what was going on. And again, painfully self-aware over here, but it was really cool for me to be gifted the tool of metabolizing grief and shame. And I'm really proud of doing that work because it isn't easy, it's not fun. I cried on every single session with you. Boohoo snot crying, right? Like, and that's not fun. It's not like something that you're like, can't wait to go cry after work today, right? Like it's it's nothing that you're like really looking forward to doing, but it's so worth it because of the gift of being grounded and feeling lighter and feeling confident and metabolizing all of that. So I would say just the fact that I did the work, even though it's not fun and it's it can be hard, but so rewarding, I would say that's what I'm most proud of.

SPEAKER_00 41:30

And you invested in yourself, you know, it's an investment for sure. And you really like, yeah, did that for yourself, which I think is such a good absolutely and so you've done a lot of inner work before, which I said earlier. What felt different about this healing work than other healing modalities that you've tried?

SPEAKER_01 41:47

Yeah, like I said, all the inner child stuff that I'd done previously was all it didn't introduce you to a specific part or age person of your of yourself inside of you. It was just like this elusive inner child that you would go and hug or you know, think of. And in your head, you think it's it's one person. I think it's me at age five, or you know, whatever it may be. But the parts work you kind of have to just let go of control, which recovering codependent, anxiously attached, like we don't like that. I'm like, no, I know exactly who's gonna show up because I'm in control here. And so just letting your body and your nervous system and your subconscious like reveal who that really is inside of you. I think that was the most powerful part to just let go and be like, oh, that's who you are.

SPEAKER_00 42:37

Interesting. Yeah, I know. I loved when you were like, she's really skeptical of me. And I was like, amazing information. You know, I had the client client once where I took her through some parts work, interchild work, and she we met her teenage self, and she was kind of approaching her, and the the part was like, no, basically. And my client was like telling me about it, and afterwards she was like, I almost lied to you and said, like, didn't tell you that because she's like, I wanted to do it right. And I was like, Oh, I'm so glad you didn't, because it's like it's such important information and it's crazy, like what our parts will say and do, but it's just like they carry so much wisdom and memory. And so it when we can actually just listen to what their experience is and what they're still holding, it's so powerful.

SPEAKER_01 43:26

Yeah, I would say that's definitely what made it different is by releasing that control, you got to gain all of this wisdom through your subconscious that I never knew would have been there, anyways. If someone would have told me, yeah, work with Lindsay, your 12 year old self's gonna take you to the garden and it's gonna heal all of your not good enough wounds. Like I would have said, Okay, but it's literally what happened, you know. So it's I I've heard this old saying that says something like the cracks are where the light gets in. And to me, that's what this part's work is of like breathing in. That area that's activated physically in your body thematically, right? To be able to access that, and that's where the light gets in to heal you. So I I thought of that a few times when working with you, but that's that's definitely what made this experience different.

SPEAKER_00 44:14

Anything unexpected about the process that felt like helpful?

SPEAKER_01 44:20

I think all of it was unexpected, to be honest. I just went in with a really open mind. I consider myself pretty woo-woo. Um, again, have tried all the things, but I'm like, all right, I guess 12-year-old Lizzie's like about to go to sixth grade on the school bus. Like, what the heck's happening? So just going in with a really open mind because it is all unexpected. But to your point, the book The Body Keeps Score, right? Our bodies know that subconsciously and are at a cellular energetic level, they hold so much wisdom compared to what we think we know is right. And so just letting go of that control, it's all gonna be unexpected, but in the best way.

SPEAKER_00 45:00

And if you could go back and talk to yourself at that moment that you got in touch about coaching, what would you tell her?

SPEAKER_01 45:08

Yeah, I would do it a hundred times over. I mean, I still want continue to work with you as I'm navigating different chapters of my life, of course. But I think it's really pivotal time that I met you. Of course, that's how the universe works, but definitely 100% do it. The investment in yourself, as you said earlier, is is so important and tenfold as far as what you get back from it.

SPEAKER_00 45:32

What would you want someone listening to know if they're stuck in the same cycles that you were?

SPEAKER_01 45:37

That the key or the answers is you. Truly. Like you said, coming home to yourself, that you turn that roadmap back to you. It's I think find someone like yourself to be able to give you the tools and the toolbox to navigate, finding that and processing and navigating all of those emotions, that grief.

SPEAKER_00 46:00

Yeah. And even deeper than that, the key is your body, really, you know, because I think we all carry these really painful experiences that make our body an unsafe place. Yeah. So then we naturally go up to our mind to try to control or try to escape the pain. And really, so much of my work is can we build the internal safety, the nervous system capacity to release all this stuck energy and emotion to really ground into the safety of your body in a day-to-day way, you know, so you have a flexible enough nervous system so that you can feel fear and then release it. You can feel a little anxious and then move through it, you can feel sad and then release it. But it's like when we have these contracted, rigid nervous systems, they hold they they're so protected against these emotions and then they get stuck in places. And, you know, it just, I think so many people live that way in these contracted kind of survival-based, scarcity-based states. And what I'm really trying to do with people is really just release all that stuck emotion so that people can just live from such a you know, it's not just like a perfectly calm, regulated place, it's just a flexible nervous system to just feel and be with all of the ups and downs of life.

SPEAKER_01 47:11

Yeah. You know, I think your work really connects your mind to your body, and that's probably what's missing with a lot of traditional therapy. And I say that as someone who goes to traditional therapy, you know, often, but I think the CBT is all to your point in your mind, and it's really detached from your physical body. And so the two of those being connected through therapy and just letting go of that control is is really where you find the wisdom and that key back to home. Love the way you said that.

SPEAKER_00 47:43

So I wanted to just give you a little opportunity. You are a poet, and I loved learning that about you so much because, like I told you, I worked at a youth spoken word nonprofit for many years. And so poetry spoken word is very near and dear to my heart. So I would love to give you the opportunity to share one of your poems with the audience.

SPEAKER_01 48:01

Yes, I love that. Outside of meditation and the voo breath and parts work and all of that, I think I've always leaned towards processing some of my emotions through journaling. And recently, probably just this calendar year, I've kind of started to write poetry again. And so this poem that I'd like to share today, it's titled Little. And it actually wrote it after ending things with the guy that I was working with you about. And it is about how when we're young, we have this kind of carefree spirit about us. And then we go through life. And to me, I wrote this as a cathartic way to be reminded that the love that is meant for me will feel like that again. So yeah, that's the crux of all of it. So without further ado, children laughing, squeaky swings, that carefree bliss, paper hearts, plastic rings. The Marys go round, a game of tags starts, not an edge in sight, entirely tender hearts. Then years grow taller, then the trees we used to climb, skinned knees turn quiet, we stop crying all the time. Our princess dresses traded for armor stitched in lace. We learn to hold our kingdoms with careful, guarded grace. Boys with scraped elbows now straighten up their ties, trade mischievous trouble for steady certain lives. They carry clocks and briefcases with names like man and strong, button up their laughter if it lingers a bit too long. And we outgrow the dresses that once made us feel royal, trade bedtime stories for hearts that must stay loyal, until love slips in barefoot, tracks dirt across the floor, laughs too loud at nothing, leaves its shoes by the door. And I forget the careful way I had learned to stand. You catch me mid-becoming and take me by the hand. No guarding of my softness, no need to play the role. I love you a little, like a girl who is whole.

SPEAKER_00 50:19

I love that so much. Thank you. And I think it's such a beautiful metaphor for the corrective experience that love can really be. Yeah. And more importantly, I think it also can be a metaphor for this work that we did together of in parts work we call it unburdening our parts. So helping them to release the pain and the grief and really the burdens that they're carrying alone. And what becomes possible when we unburden our younger parts. They get to go back to being a 12-year-old, they go back to being a six-year-old, they go back to, you know, carefree joy. And I think that's ultimately the process that love gives us.

SPEAKER_01 50:59

Yeah. It's I mentioned mid-becoming in my poem. And I think that's really how I felt like working with you and after working with you. It's like, yeah, love is meant to have you feel light again. And you can give that love to yourself through, you know, listening to your body. So definitely a metaphor.

SPEAKER_00 51:18

Okay, Lizzie, well, do you want to share where people can find your poetry or any of your work or connect with you?

SPEAKER_01 51:22

Yeah, absolutely. As you mentioned in the intro, I am taking content more seriously these days. And so you can follow me on Instagram at Lizzie from the block with two underscores at the end. I'll be kind of sharing my dating journey and healing and things of that nature in a just a relatable way so that nobody really feels alone because we're all going through it these days. And my poetry, I'll be sorting a page dedicated to that as well. So I'm really excited for that work.

SPEAKER_00 51:52

Yeah, I'll put those all in the show notes so people can find it easily. Yeah, thank you so much for sharing all this. It's really like tender, vulnerable stuff. So I appreciate you being so open and of course I know that your story will resonate with a lot of people. So thank you. Yeah, thanks for having me. If this episode resonated with you, consider leaving a review, sharing it with a friend, or passing it along on your socials. It really helps the podcast reach new listeners each week. And don't forget to subscribe so you never miss a new episode. And if you're feeling inspired to explore your own work more deeply, I offer both individual and couples coaching, and there's a link in the show notes to book a free consultation. You'll also find my free guide, Breaking the Pattern, which helps you understand the relational and nervous system patterns that may be keeping you stuck.