Why You Struggle to Ask for Help: The High-Achiever Trap of Doing Everything Alone

Why do some of us insist on doing everything the hard way — and then get pissed that everything is so damn hard?

That realization hit me while cleaning my toilet bare-handed, with a bandaged finger, while an entire box of gloves sat two feet away.

In this episode of The Weekly Recharge, I unpack how hyper-independence, high achievement, and burnout can make asking for help feel harder than just doing everything yourself — and how I’ve mistaken not letting people help me for not having support.

Sometimes you don’t need to become stronger or more capable.

Sometimes you just need to put the damn gloves on.

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Transcript

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So I was cleaning the toilet the other day, barehanded, and honestly bitching about it in my head. I just hate cleaning things that clean things. But I digress. So I'm wiping down the objectively grossest thing in the house, internally bitching about how disgusting it is, especially because I had sliced my finger open that morning, and despite it being bandaged, I'm now exposing it to literal shit. And then I looked over. There's an entire box of gloves just sitting right there. Renee, put the damn gloves on. Why am I raw dogging the dirtiest job in the house while actively complaining about how gross it is? When the thing that would make it easier and less disgusting is literally two feet away from me. And then it hit me. But apparently deep down, I prefer hard mode. And if you're new here, this is the weekly recharge, for I take something that happened in my actual life, unpack whatever the hell it might have brought up, and hopefully give you something useful that you could take along with your week. If that's your kind of thing, subscribe, follow, leave a comment, like, or share it with someone else who has a tendency to just make life way too fucking hard. Much harder than it actually needs to be. Alright, back to me, raw dog leaf toilet. See, I have spent a lot of my life doing things the hardest possible way, then bitching about it because they're hard. Not necessarily to others, but just an overall internal belief that life is hard. And here's the part that's considerably less flattering. Sometimes when I see someone else receiving support or having something else made easier for them, there's a little part of me that thinks, well, I didn't have any help. Okay, well, what exactly is that supposed to mean, Renee? That they shouldn't get help because I didn't? Apparently? The what kind of logic is that? I wish someone had helped me, therefore you should also struggle unnecessarily. Makes perfect sense. Except it doesn't. At all. But then I sat with the I had no support sinking in my brain, which has been uncomfortable to look at. During the stretch of my surgeries that I went through, I could have used a lot of help. For over a year, I couldn't even feel my left leg. My right leg hurt so badly that there were times where I couldn't even bear any weight on it. And during some of the recoveries, I couldn't even shower by myself. I couldn't even wash my hair for weeks. And honestly, that's embarrassing to admit to someone that isn't your mom's. I still went to work every day on light duty. I was still doing full gigs throughout the entire months. I was on a shit ton of medication, and there were stretches where I truly didn't even feel like myself. I think we even had lost some gigs because of it, if I'm being completely frank. But most people had no idea how bad things actually were, because I made damn sure that they didn't. I played it off like everything was completely fine for two years. And then I'd turn around and think I have no support. Except that I actually have no support, or did nobody know that I needed it? Because I wouldn't fucking tell them. Because I would bet your bottom dollar that if I had called almost any person that I had considered a real friend and said, hey, this is actually really bad, I need help, they would have shown up. But I didn't give them the opportunity, and I decided I had to handle it myself. And then used having to handle it myself as evidence that I was alone. Let that sink in. I was cleaning the toilet without gloves again. But life may be handing me a do-over. And when I first found out, I'll be honest, I was pretty devastated. Because come the fuck on. I thought this shit was behind me. After three years, I was finally feeling physically good again and strong, and feeling like myself. And now I might have to have another setback. Again, initially it's all I could see. But the longer that I've sat with it, the more I've started to realize and wonder whether this might also be an opportunity to do something very different this time. The first round forced me to start leaving behind an identity that burned me the fuck out. The woman who could handle it all, who could push through anything, who didn't need anybody, and would sacrifice herself before admitting something was too much. But apparently there is another layer that is underneath it. The belief that I'm alone and therefore I have to do everything alone. Maybe this time isn't about proving how well I can handle another hard thing. Maybe it's about teaching my own nervous system that I don't have to, that I can let my guard down, that I can tell people when I'm struggling, that I can actually accept the fucking help. I can let someone wash my hair without turning it into a referendum on my strength and independence because needing support doesn't mean I'm incapable. And doing something the hardest possible way also doesn't make the outcome more valuable. So this week's practice is going to be find your gloves. I don't think that most of us consciously decide to make our lives harder. We have just repeated certain ways of doing things for so long that we don't realize that there are other options. So this week, catch yourself when you are internally saying, Why is this so fucking hard? And before assuming that the answer is because life is hard, ask yourself the where are my gloves type of questions. Where am I refusing help? Where am I making something harder because I think I should be able to handle it? Where am I refusing an easier option because struggling feels more familiar? Or where am I expecting people to know that I need support without actually asking them for it? So you don't get extra points just because you suffered more on the way there. There's no trophy for raw dogging life. Sometimes the breakthrough isn't another strategy, another healing modality, or another lesson that you need to learn. You don't have to always learn the hard way. Sometimes you just need to put the damn gloves on. And apparently I needed a toilet to teach me that one. And then this week on Hustle Rebels podcast, in case you missed it, last week I talked about the downside of being the person who just always has something to prove. For me, it started as the overweight girl on the varsity softball team, determined to prove that she deserved more than the bench. And it followed me all the way into becoming the first and only woman on my fire department. So the lesson became when people underestimate you, work harder, prove them wrong, which is useful until it isn't. Because eventually, competence gets rewarded with more work, perseverance becomes self-abandonment, and you're pouring more ambition into people and systems that aren't actually taking you anywhere. So the goal isn't to lose your ambition, it's to stop wasting it. And then this week, that solo episode was actually inspired by my conversation with Robin Godfrey. So this week you're going to be able to get to hear that conversation that's behind it. So if last week's episode made you recognize yourself a little more than you'd like, you'll want to hear where that conversation came from. So be able to listen to that by clicking the links in the show notes descriptions below. And don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss the next one. You can watch on YouTube or listen to your favorite podcast platforms. Maybe this week you don't need to prove it you can handle more. Maybe you just need to notice where you've been making life unnecessarily difficult. And put those damn gloves on. See you guys next week.