The Courage to Disappoint | EP8

Why is it so hard to say no?

In this episode, I share a painful realization: for most of my life, I was more afraid of disappointing others than losing myself.

Growing up, I learned to keep the peace, soften my needs, and avoid conflict at all costs. Being “easy” felt safer than being honest. But that habit followed me into adulthood, shaping my relationships, my decisions, and the way I showed up in the world.

Through a difficult turning point, I began to understand something deeply uncomfortable — sometimes keeping the peace means abandoning yourself.

This episode explores the fear behind people-pleasing, the moment I realized boundaries were necessary, and why learning to disappoint others can be the beginning of learning to live truthfully.

Email: elenaswy@gmail.com

IG: @elenaswenyu

Transcript

How I Met Jesus — Episode 8

The Courage to Disappoint

Hi, this is Elena.

Welcome to How I Met Jesus.

Last episode, I talked about the exhaustion of suppressing my anger

and the fear of trying to be strong on my own.

But underneath all of that, there was a deeper problem:

I didn’t know how to say no.

You know what I feared more than losing money?

It’s ... Disappointing someone.

Since I was young, I’ve been afraid of conflict.

Afraid of tension. Afraid of being seen as difficult.

Somewhere along the way, I learned that harmony was safer than honesty.

That being agreeable was more valuable than being authentic.

So in relationships, I adjusted.

I softened my words, minimized my needs.

I compromised before anyone even asked.

Because keeping the peace, felt like survival.

Life has a way of repeating its lessons.

If you don’t fully receive what it’s trying to teach you,

the lesson doesn’t disappear.

it will return — often in a stronger, more painful form —

until you are willing to face it and change.

Because I had been in such a low state for so long —

no motivation, no clarity, no energy —

I decided to go back to China for a month to stay with my parents.

I thought maybe distance would help. Maybe rest would help.

But when I returned to Kansas… The office was empty.

Everything had been moved. The entire business had relocated to a new place.

No conversation. No discussion. Just gone.

I went to ask Steven why he made that decision without me.

And he said he had asked me.

He said that while I was in China, he had asked whether I still wanted to work with him — and I had told him I didn’t.

The lease on the old office was expiring anyway,

so he found a new location.

And then he said something I will never forget.

He told me that if being with him was so painful for me,

then I didn’t need to come back to work at all.

If I changed my mind, if I decided to seriously return to him,

both in relationship and in work —

then maybe he would reconsider letting me come back.

I froze. I didn’t know what to say.

I felt so confused, disoriented.

Almost detached from my own body.

And that was the moment something became painfully clear.

I had tried to keep the peace.

I had swallowed my anger.

I had compromised my needs.

I had stayed to protect what we built.

But in the end… I still lost it.

That’s when I understood something I had never fully accepted before:

Silence does not secure love.

Compromise does not guarantee stability.

And self-abandonment does not protect you from loss.

I thought I was being mature.

But I was acting from fear.

I thought I was sacrificing for stability.

But I was slowly abandoning myself.

In that moment, I finally saw the truth:

I had been negotiating my worth.

And when you negotiate your worth,

you eventually get replaced.

That was the moment boundaries stopped feeling selfish.

They became necessary.

I realized something important:

I didn’t need to learn how to endure more.

I needed to learn how to draw a line.

And that was the beginning of boundaries.

Ending Prayer

Before we close today, I want to take a moment to pray.

Father Lord,

Today I bring to You the version of me who didn’t know how to say no.

The woman who believed that keeping the peace meant losing herself.

The woman who tried so hard to protect everything around her

that she forgot how to protect her own heart.

God, help me see her with compassion.

She wasn’t weak.

She was doing the best she could

with what she knew at the time.

Thank You for not abandoning me

even when I abandoned myself.

Thank You for staying with me

even when I was afraid to stand up for myself.

Teach me to walk in truth.

Teach me that love and boundaries

can exist together.

And give me the courage

to live with clarity,

not fear.

Amen.