The Fear I Carry About Money | EP22

Why does money feel so heavy… even when we have enough?

In this episode, I reflect on the quiet anxiety I’ve carried around money — the pressure to earn more, the fear of not having enough, and the constant need to feel secure.

Because sometimes, it’s not really about money. It’s about what we believe will happen if money is not there.

When money becomes our safety, uncertainty begins to feel like a threat.

Email: elenaswy@gmail.com

IG: @elenaswenyu

Transcript

How I Met Jesus — Episode 22

The Fear I Carry About Money

Hi, this is Elena.

Welcome back to How I Met Jesus.

In the last episode, I talked about the tension between passion and money. And I ended with a question that stayed with me. Why does money have so much power over me?

And the more I sat with that question, the more I realized something. My relationship with money is not just practical. It’s emotional. Because when I think about money, I don’t just think about numbers. I feel something. Sometimes… it’s anxiety. A quiet, constant kind of anxiety. The kind that shows up when I look at my bank account. The kind that whispers:

“What if this is not enough?”

“What if something goes wrong?”

“What if I can’t sustain this?”

And even when things are okay, that feeling doesn’t fully go away. Because it’s not really about the present moment. It’s about the fear of the future. Money anxiety is rarely about money.  It’s about what we fear will happen without it.

For me, money has always been connected to one thing: safety. If I have enough, I feel okay. If I don’t, everything feels unstable. And because of that, money doesn’t feel neutral. It feels heavy. It feels like something I have to control. Something I have to secure. Something I can’t afford to lose. And that pressure… it affects everything. The way I make decisions. The way I work. Even the way I rest.

Sometimes, I find it hard to truly relax. Because in the back of my mind, there’s always a voice saying:

“You should be doing more.”

“You should be earning more.”

“You can’t slow down yet.”

When money becomes your source of safety, rest starts to feel unsafe.

And that’s exhausting. Because no matter how much I do, it never feels like enough.

And I began to see something honestly uncomfortable. Sometimes, my anxiety about money has nothing to do with how much I actually have. It’s about how secure I feel inside. And if that inner sense of security is not there, no amount of money can fully replace it.

And that was a hard truth to face. Because it made me realize something deeper.  My struggle with money is not just about money. It’s about fear.

Fear of not having enough.

Fear of losing control.

Fear of uncertainty.

And maybe even… fear of not being okay.

And in that place, I started asking a different question.

What am I really looking for when I chase financial security?

Is it just stability?

Or is it something deeper?

Because when I look more closely… what I really want is not just money.

Money is not the end goal. Safety is. I want to feel safe.

And even deeper than that… I want to feel at peace.

I want to feel at peace even when things are uncertain.

See? We don’t chase money for money. We chase it for the feeling we hope it will give us. 

But what if peace is not something money can give me? 

What if the more I try to secure everything on the outside, the more I realize that something inside is still unsettled?

Because maybe the problem is not how much I have.

Maybe it’s where I’m looking for security.

And that’s where my faith begins to challenge me.

Because if my sense of safety only depends on money… then my sense of security will always feel unstable. I will always be anxious.

Because money changes.

Circumstances change.

Life changes.

And when my safety is tied to something that keeps changing, then my peace will keep changing too.

Sometimes I don’t even realize it. But a small fluctuation… a slower week… an unexpected expense… and suddenly, I feel it. That tightness in my chest. That quiet panic in the background. As if something important is slipping away.

And in those moments, it doesn’t feel like I’m just thinking about money. 

It feels like I’m asking something deeper.

Am I safe?

Will I be okay?

When money becomes your safety, any uncertainty starts to feel like a threat.  That’s exhausting. Because it means my sense of peace is constantly being shaped by things I cannot control. So I stay alert. Careful. Always calculating. Trying to create a sense of safety that never fully arrives.

And that’s when I began to see something more honestly. Maybe what I’ve been chasing is not really money. Maybe it’s the feeling I hope money can give me. A sense of control. A sense of certainty. A sense of being okay. But the more I try to hold onto that feeling, the more fragile it becomes. Because deep down… I know it can be taken away.  And that’s where the fear comes from. Not just the fear of losing money. But the fear of losing the feeling that I thought money could give me. And that’s when this question started to change. It was no longer just: “How do I make more money?” It became: Why do I need money to make me feel okay?

And slowly, my faith began to shift something in me. Because what if peace is not something I can build through control? What if peace is something I have to receive? Not from money. But from God. Maybe money was never meant to carry the weight of my peace.

Well I’m still learning this. Slowly. Letting go of fear is not something that happens overnight. But I trust healing has been already beginning when I stop asking money to give me peace… and start learning where peace really comes from.

Prayer

Let’s pray.

Dear Lord,

You know the fears we carry when it comes to money. The anxiety, the pressure, the need to feel in control. Sometimes we try to use money to create a sense of safety in our lives. But deep down, we still feel uncertain. Help us see clearly what we are really looking for. Not just financial security, but peace. Teach us to trust You in the middle of uncertainty. And help us find a deeper kind of security that is not dependent on what we have. Walk with us as we slowly learn to release fear and receive peace.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

Maybe the anxiety we feel about money is not really about money.

Maybe it’s about the question we’re afraid to ask:

Will I be okay… if I don’t have enough?

Thank you for being here and listening. If this episode resonated with you, feel free to share it with someone who might need it. And if you have your own story, testimony, or questions, I would love to hear from you.

Until next time, take a deep breath… and remember — you are never alone.