Where My Money Fear Comes From | EP23

In this episode, I open up about something I’ve carried quietly for a long time—my fear around money.

It’s not just about numbers, income, or stability. It goes deeper than that.

I share where this fear really comes from—growing up in an environment shaped by pressure, uncertainty, and unspoken expectations… and how those experiences still influence the way I think, work, and even make decisions today.

If you’ve ever felt anxious about money, even when things seem “okay” on the surface… If you’ve ever questioned your worth because of your financial situation… This episode is for you.

We’ll gently explore the roots of that fear— and begin to see it with more compassion, not judgment. Because healing your relationship with money is also part of healing your heart.

Email: elenaswy@gmail.com

IG: @elenaswenyu

Transcript

How I Met Jesus — Episode 23

Where My Money Fear Comes From

Hi, this is Elena.

Welcome back to How I Met Jesus.

In the last episode, I talked about the fear I carry about money.

The anxiety. The pressure. The constant need to feel secure.

After sitting with all of that, I started asking myself a deeper question.

Where does this fear actually come from?

Because when I look back at my life honestly… I realize something that feels a little confusing. I haven’t lived a life of extreme lack. I was never in a situation where I didn’t have food or basic necessities. In fact, in many moments of my life, when I thought I needed money… something would show up. A new opportunity came up. An extra income. A way through. And somehow, I was always taken care of.

However, the fear is still there. Not small. Not occasional. But deep. Almost like it’s written into me. And that made me realize this fear is not coming from my current reality. It’s coming from something deeper. Sometimes we don’t fear what we’ve experienced. We fear what we’ve been taught to expect. And when I started to look closer, I began to see how much my beliefs about money were shaped long before I ever questioned them.

Growing up, money was never just money. I remember watching my parents work very hard. They were always busy. Always trying to earn more. And without anyone saying it directly, I learned that money is not easy to get. I learned that it requires time, energy. And sometimes… even the cost of being together as a family. Because while they were working, they didn’t have much time to be with me. And somewhere inside, I began to believe: If I want money, I have to sacrifice something for it.

And later, as I experienced more of society, I began to see another layer. Money was not just about survival. It was about status. People with money were treated differently. They had more options, more respect, more ease. And people without money… were often overlooked, or even looked down on. Even within the same family. And those observations stayed with me.

But one memory in particular left a very deep impression. I remember when my dad’s business failed when I was a kid. He lost money. And there were people who came to our home to collect the debt. My dad stayed inside. He didn’t come out. My mom had to face them alone. She told me to stay quiet and hide behind the door. So I stood there. Silent. Listening. I could hear her voice… lowered, careful, almost pleading. Asking them to give us more time. And in that moment, I felt something very clearly. I felt how powerless she was. I felt afraid of those people outside. And honestly… I also felt disappointed.

At my dad. At the situation. At how fragile everything suddenly felt.

Maybe at that moment, without realizing it, something was formed inside me.

Money is not just a resource.

Money is power.

Money is pressure.

Money is something that can decide whether you are safe… or not. And from that moment on, money no longer felt neutral to me. It felt heavy. It felt like something I had to get right. Something I couldn’t afford to lose. The way we see money is often shaped long before we ever question it.

And looking back now, I can see that clearly. All of these experiences… they didn’t just stay in the past. They shaped the way I feel about money today.

The fear.

The urgency.

The need to control.

And maybe that’s why even when I have enough… I still feel like I don’t.

Because what I’m responding to is not just my present reality.

I’m responding to everything I’ve learned before.

The fear.

The pressure.

The belief that money is fragile.

And for a long time, I didn’t question any of it. I thought this was just how life works.

That I have to stay alert.

That I have to secure everything.

That I cannot afford to relax.

But now… I’m beginning to see it differently. Not with judgment. But with awareness. Because maybe this fear is not something I was born with. Maybe it’s something I learned. And if it was learned… it can be unlearned. Not everything I feel is who I am. Some of it is what I was taught.

And that realization doesn’t immediately remove the fear.

But it creates space.

Space to pause.

Space to notice.

Space to choose differently.

And slowly, my faith is helping me see something else.

That even in moments when money felt uncertain… I was not abandoned.

Even when I didn’t know how things would work out… somehow, they did.

Not always in the way I expected. But enough to carry me through.

And maybe that’s what I’m learning now. 

Not just to remember those moments. But to trust them.

Experiencing provision is not the same as trusting it. And maybe this is where healing begins. Not by forcing myself to stop feeling afraid. But by gently asking: Is this fear coming from today… or from something I learned long ago? And slowly, learning to place my trust somewhere different. Not in what I can control. But in the One who has been taking care of me all along.

Prayer

Let’s pray.

Dear Lord,

You see the fears we carry — even the ones we don’t fully understand.

Sometimes we live in anxiety not because of what is happening now, but because of what we believe could happen.

Help us see clearly where those beliefs come from.

From our past.

From what we’ve seen.

From what we’ve absorbed.

And gently begin to reshape the way we see.

Remind us of the ways You have already provided for us.

The ways You have already been present.

And teach us not just to see it… but to trust it.

Help us release the fear that we have to control everything.

And learn to rest in Your provision.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

Maybe my fear of money was never really about money.

Maybe it was about what I learned to believe about life…

And maybe healing begins the moment I start to question those beliefs.

Thank you for being here and listening. If this episode resonated with you, feel free to share it with someone who might need it. And if you have your own story, testimony, or questions, I would love to hear from you.

Until next time, take a deep breath… and remember — you are always beloved.