The Gifts I Was Afraid to Use | EP30

In this episode, I share how childhood experiences can shape the way we see ourselves — and how we learn to suppress what once came naturally. You were never too much. You were just in places that didn’t know how to receive you.

Transcript

How I Met Jesus — Episode 30

The Gifts I Was Afraid to Use

Hi, this is Elena.

Welcome back to How I Met Jesus.

In the last episode, I talked about becoming aware of my gifts. But awareness is only the beginning. Because once I started to see what was already in me…I also began to notice that I wasn’t using it. Not fully. And the question became: Why?

It’s not that I don’t have the ability. It is something I don't feel safe using it. And when I sat with that feeling, I realized this didn’t start now. It started a long time ago.

I remember when I was very young— I don’t even remember exactly how old I was. I saw a word on TV. “Miscarriage” or “Abortion”, “cause these two words have the same meaning in Chinese. That night, I asked my dad what it meant. And he responded with just one word: “Get out of here.” But it wasn’t just the word. It was the tone. It was very sharp, sudden, almost angry. And I just froze there. I sat there, confused, helpless. I didn’t know what I did wrong. But something in me understood at that moment: not all questions are safe to ask.

And as I grew up, that feeling didn’t go away. I was always a very curious child. I had so many questions. Why this? Why that? Why do we do it this way? But the response I often heard was: “Why do you have so many questions?” “Can’t you just listen and do what you’re told?” And over time, those words started to shape me. I began to feel like my curiosity was a problem. Like asking questions was annoying. Like wanting to understand was too much. So slowly… I started to hold it back.

That pattern didn’t stay in childhood. It followed me into my adult life. Even at work,
 I would often ask my managers:“Why are we doing it this way?” “Why this approach?” Not to challenge them. Not to question their authority. But because I genuinely wanted to understand. And again, I would hear something familiar:“You don’t need to think about that.” “Just do what you’re told.”

And every time I heard that, something in me would shrink… just a little more.

There was another moment that stayed with me. When I was around 15,
 a friend once told me:“You’re really smart. You can guess what I’m about to say  before I even say it.” I felt so happy, so proud of myself. I went home and told my dad. But instead of encouragement…he looked at me very seriously and said:“Don’t do that again. Nobody likes someone smarter than them. Especially not a girl.”

And that moment changed something in me. From that point on, I started hiding my intelligence. I told myself: Don’t be too smart. Don’t stand out. Don’t be too much. And that belief followed me into my adult life. 

In my career…I would hold back my ideas. Even when I saw things clearly, I wouldn’t say them out loud.

In relationships…I would shrink myself. So I wouldn’t make others uncomfortable. 

I played small. I stayed in the background. Letting others shine. Because deep inside, I believed: If I was too smart… I will be rejected. If I stand out… I will be left behind.

And for a long time, I thought that was just who I was. Until something happened a few years ago. A friend introduced me to something called Maya gifts—a system that looks at your natural traits based on your birthday. And he told me that my main gift  was something called the Yellow Warrior. And its symbol… was a question mark.

She said:“This represents the power of questioning.” A natural curiosity. A desire to seek truth. To ask, to explore, to understand. And when that gift is fully lived out…It becomes courage. The courage to move forward. To lead. To stand firm in what you believe. 

And in that moment…I cried. Because for the first time, I saw something differently. My questions were never the problem. My curiosity was never “too much.” It was my gift!

My intelligence… my ability to see things… my need to understand deeply…None of it was wrong. But for so many years…I had been trying to silence it. To hide it. To make myself smaller. So I wouldn’t be “too much.” I wouldn’t be a burden. I wouldn’t make others uncomfortable. And eventually…I started blaming myself. Why do I have so many questions? Why can’t I just be like everyone else? Maybe I’m too much. Maybe I’m too complicated. Or maybe…I’m just not smart enough.

And for a long time, I believed those thoughts. I thought there was something wrong with me. So I tried to change. To ask less. To say less. To think less. To become someone who is easier to accept. And on the outside… It worked. I became more agreeable. More quiet. More “easy.” But something inside me started to fade. That curiosity. That sharpness. That part of me that used to come alive when I was trying to understand something deeply. It didn’t disappear. But it became smaller, hidden.

I thought that was growth. I thought it meant I was becoming “better.” But now I see it clearly. I don’t have to hide it anymore. That’s my gift. That’s something God placed in me. And I’m choosing to use it. To express it. To honor Him and to help others.

And I’m still in that process. I’m still unlearning so many things I once believed. That I’m too much. That I should stay quiet. That it’s safer to hide. And little by little… I’m starting to let those beliefs go. Not all at once. But gently.

I believe this is also where healing begins. Not by becoming someone new. But by returning to who we’ve always been. Some of your gifts were never wrong. They were just misunderstood. And maybe… you were never too much. You were just in places that didn’t know how to receive you.

Let’s pray.

Dear Lord,

Thank You for creating each of us with intention and care. Thank You for the gifts You have placed within us—even the ones we’ve learned to hide.

Lord, You see every part of us clearly. The parts we show, and the parts we keep hidden. Help us to recognize what comes from You…and what was shaped by fear. Give us the courage to gently uncover what we’ve been hiding. To trust that what You placed in us is not a mistake. And to believe that we don’t have to shrink ourselves to be accepted. 

Teach us how to use our gifts in a way that honors You and blesses others. Step by step. With patience. With grace.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

Again, some of your gifts were never lost. They were just hidden in places where it once felt safer to keep them. And maybe today… is the first time you begin to see them again.

Thank you for being here and listening. If this episode resonated with you, feel free to share it with someone who might need it. And if you have your own story, testimony, or questions, I would truly love to hear from you.

Until next time,
take a deep breath…
and remember —
you are already loved.