13 Rules That Saved My Life After Divorce

In this powerful episode of The Tony Bova Show, we discuss the importance of embracing failure as a path to personal growth. I share my philosophy of choosing failure every time, emphasizing that we learn from mistakes and come back stronger. This is a true failure motivational speech for anyone who believes in self improvement and will never give up on their goals. 💪

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Transcript

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I will choose failure every single time. I will smack my face off the ground and I will pick it up bleeding and get back up and do it again because I know that the next time I do it, I'm going to do it better. The Tony Bova show, built by pain, designed for freedom. In this episode, I'm going to talk about the 13 rules that I created for myself. These 13 rules helped me get over divorce, custody battles, and different situations with my exes revolving around my kids that were excruciatingly painful, where I thought I didn't have any control and I was being completely disrespected in the process. But I was able to flip that so I could go into the core identity of who I knew I was, where I was able to rebuild myself in this process and remove that so I never actually feel that again. And I want to share them with you because I know if you're going through anything like that, if you're a high-performing man that experiences in any situation, maybe not at work, but at home where you feel manipulated, where you feel disrespected, or you feel rejected, this is truly going to help you be able to shift what's going on at home. So you get to have that whole complete life, that one that you know you're is possible to have. And as I start to dive into this, the first rule that I have to live by is you're not broken, but you are responsible. The pivotal point about that particular rule is it breaks up all black and white around things. You see, not being broken, understanding that you're human, that you can make mistakes and you're not perfect, allows you to meet failure, allows you to meet situations where you didn't handle it the best to your perfect ability, but that you can let go of it. Because letting go is the thing that's going to allow you to surrender into this other component of being responsible. Because if you take responsibility for everything and recognize you're not broken and you're not you're not perfect, what that allows you to do is it allows you to be free. It allows you to enjoy freedom at the fullest capacity. And it's why it's my number one rule, because I have to remind myself that I'm not perfect and that I'm not going to handle every situation to the fullest that I know I'm capable of. Like maybe I'm tired, maybe I'm hungry, maybe I didn't get my workout in right before that, and I didn't actually talk to my girl the way that I expected myself to, or my one of my team members in a way that really was going to inspire them to give me their fullest effort. Number two is you're going to die. So meaning you can't fuck it up. As you meet any situation, it allows you the ability to start making decisions. Because if you know at the end of the day that you're going to die and that none of this actually matters after that point because you're not going to exist anymore, then it frees you from any amount of judgment, any amount of shame, any amount of whatever it is that you feel that other people are putting on you, the emotions of not feeling enough or not living up to their expectations, the fact that you are going to die is going to free you from that as well. You see, as you're going to start to find out, every single one of these rules is surrounded by freedom. And how do I live the most free life possible where I'm not manipulated, I'm not rejected, I'm not disrespected in the process. And all of that is going into the core of who you are and starting to understand these principles that are really going to give you the ability to not only overcome it, but live it impactfully, fully, meaningfully. The third one is pay attention to the little things because they will define you. You know, most of us start to think about what it would be like to be in that mansion or to have a jet or to have the Lamborghini or whatever it is that your dream is. It maybe it's not necessarily money, but there is definitely a goal that you have set out for your life that you want it to look in a particular way. Well, the only way for you to actually get there is to pay attention to the little things. The little things are what are what are going to define the path in which you get there, your yeses and your noes. Without your yeses and your no's in the smallest of moments, how will you ever be prepared to make them in the biggest moments? You know, the Bible talks about he who does with a little will do with a lot. And it's such a true statement for anybody. Because if you can't handle the small things right now, why would God or the universe ever entrust you with anything more than that? Which leads me into my fourth. Luck doesn't exist, just choices. And that kind of falls back on number three, where pay attention to the little things. Luck doesn't exist because every little choice that you make is going to define what the outcome of that day is. So if you have a morning routine and let's just say you drink your water, you get your workout in, you get your journaling in, you get your text out, your gratitude text, you're already going to feel complete for that day. You're going to start to meet that day differently than every other day because you've already been successful and that success compounds upon itself. Then you're going to start feeling confident. You're going to feel like you're going to show up differently. And then you do because energy reflects. Your confidence is through energy and it vibrates to the people around you. And when you feel confident in what you've done because you've been successful in the morning, then you're going to feel successful throughout the day. I knew for me very specifically, and this was years ago before I broke my foot, that I would get up in the morning. The first thing that I would do was I would go for a run. And I loved it. I didn't care if it was snowing out, I didn't care if it was raining out. I would go out for my run. It would be a minimum of three miles, sometimes up to eight miles. And I did that every single day. Because I did that, I already felt accomplished for the day. And it was something that exhilarated me, where it allowed everything else that showed up throughout the day to feel easy and light. And so in order for me to have gotten to a point where I felt fit, healthy, energized, and had the ability to overcome pretty much anything, I had to start realizing it wasn't just like going to happen by chance. And then I had to make these small executions, like I said earlier, paying attention to the little things. As you start to execute something over and over again consistently, then you will see what the seeds that you sow will reap. Moving into number five, no one is coming to save you. And this should relieve you. Because then it leaves it upon you to start making those small actions and decisions that are going to change the outcome of your life. Yeah, I took a bet on myself. And once I bet on myself, I didn't want to be held responsible or liable to anybody else's decisions. That I didn't want to be entrapped at the will of somebody else, whether or not they were going to make a decision that was going to impact my life. And so I chose the freedom route of entrepreneurship to take a bet on myself because I didn't want to be told by no one what to do. And I'll I'll be completely honest with you. It's a lot more work and it's more difficult to overcome that, to be that version of yourself that is capable of being your own boss, uh and having your own structure, especially with dyslexia and ADHD, like I do. But the freedom that I get to experience, where I'm not belittled or disrespected or manipulated in the process into a narrative that I don't want to live is absolutely priceless. Number six, pain is not the enemy, but regret is. You have to start to understand that they're gonna have two choices that show up time and time again. It is to do something or it's to do nothing. And if you don't do something, then when you do nothing, the only thing left for you is regret. Now, there's two different types of pain, the pain of regret or the pain of failure. And I will choose failure every single time. I will smack my face off the ground and I will pick it up bleeding and get back up and do it again. Because I know that the next time I do it, I'm gonna do it better. And then the next time after that, I'm gonna do it better. And then the next time after that, I might actually get it down where it becomes unconscious where I can just do it on command without even thinking about it. When you start to recognize that it's the initial pain that's the most painful piece, and then it becomes a natural thing that you get to experience over and over again because of every reput you get in, it becomes less and less daunting. It becomes less and less difficult. And that you're not sitting at the couch while eating potato chips, watching the football game, wondering what your life could have been like. The pain of regret when you're dying in your bed, feeling as though you've accomplished nothing in your life, you didn't even take a chance, is far more painful for me than it is to fail and look like an idiot over and over again until I finally figure it out because I know confidently that I will. It might take me longer than some, but that's okay. I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with not taking a swing and missing and never getting back up. The seventh one, and and I actually I really love this one, is that you fall in love with your problems and your solutions will find you. Because when you fall in love with figuring out how to solve problems, and I'm not just saying in a masculine fix it kind of way, because if you're talking about a relationship and you want to just fix every problem inside of the relationship, you're actually going to create more chaos. You're going to start to create more disconnection, and she's going to be very frustrated because her brain doesn't operate that way. But when you fall in love with the problem, what ends up happening is you get to find the solutions. So in that particular situation with inside your relationship, when you find out what the problem is, is it's not that you need to fix it, but that maybe sometimes you need to listen and just validate her. And that actually she doesn't even necessarily need you to fully listen to what's going on. That she just needs you to be a sounding board where she feels like she's being seen, heard, and understood. Then, as you fall in love with that problem, you find the solution, which is I don't actually have to do anything. This is true inside of your businesses. This isn't true inside of your relationships. This isn't true with your kids. This is true with any amount of problems that you might arise. When it comes to leadership in particular, when you start to fall in love with solving the problem of how do I become a better leader, what you start to find is all of your systems and your business structures and all the little components of the things that you no longer want to do. When you want to work outside of your business system instead of inside of your business being completely tied to it, you fall in love with the problem that you want to work outside of it. And how do I delegate and let go of control? Because the control piece is coming, is stemming from somewhere inside of you where it's difficult to trust that somebody can do something instead of figuring out how to structure and lead so that they actually can experience be they could be 10 times better than you at something, and you not even know it. And that you're actually holding your business back because you want to control over those decision-making processes. Number eight, the game never ends, but it's your choice how it's played. Now, I like to imagine life being like a game. Because if it's a game, then it can be fun. If it's a game, there's rules to it, and I can start to understand, I can create my own. Now, if I wanted to be a hermit and just go up into Alaska and live in a cabin for the rest of my life all alone by myself, I could totally do that. Or if I want to be in a relationship with a beautiful woman and I want to figure out how to be deeply connected to her and how we could be very intimate in a way that is so sexually satisfying that you wouldn't even believe me if I told you. Now, if those were my goals. And I wanted to figure out how to play that game, it's very easy because as you let go of manipulation, rejection, and disrespect, and you start to stand firm in who you are, and you start to call out into the universe what it is that you want, then you're opened up with an opening where it can actually you can actually receive from it. You actually experience what it is that God or the universe or the creator wants to give you, the abundance of which is available to you. But you only can do that when you start to get less frustrated around what the circumstances are coming in your life because you might be attracting them in subconsciously, where it is self-sabotaging the situation where fear is overcoming you, and it's actually drawing in the very thing that you didn't want. Number nine, failure and risk are the antidote, and quitting in doubt are a virus. You know, as I talked about earlier, being able to get up over and over again when I fall flat face on the ground, bleeding, totally disoriented. But then being able to get back up and doing it over and over again, if I succumbed to that failure, if I succumbed to the fact that it felt risky and I wasn't confident of my ability to overcome it, then quitting and doubt would be the virus. Where as quitting in doubt starts to reap more and more quitting in doubt, shame, guilt, and frustration, it's like a disease that infects my body and it starts to give me everything that I don't want and nothing I was called here to do. And then you start to shift out of that into I'm willing to fail, I'm willing to risk. Watch the floodgates open. This is going to lead me into number 10. If it hurts, pay attention. You're closer than you think. Oftentimes, what will happen in life is that we call out to God, to the universe, to creator for something good in our life. And we want to experience it to the fullest capacity. We know that we can have the full experience of it. But then as soon as we ask for it, something shows up in your life. And I'll be honest, for me, it's typically in three. Usually three things come and challenge me after I ask for something that I have to overcome in order to get to the other side. Because if you feel like you're being called to the next level and you're looking to do the next thing, there's a thermostat that your subconscious holds for you, where it limits you because it wants to keep you safe. This is the survival mind. And as you as you start to remove the survival mind, your body is going to freak out, your nervous system is going to freak out, and it's going to dysregulate because it doesn't feel like it's safe. And because it doesn't feel like it's safe, what it's going to naturally do is go under survival mode, what is going to create for you a situation that is going to limit you so you don't go and take that risk. Because if you went and took that risk, it feels maybe like you're going to die, maybe that you're not going to survive it. And that's why the survival mind kicks in for you. Uh, this is oftentimes when you want to go and invest for yourself and you want to become a great version of yourself, but you're not willing to spend the money on the coach that's actually going to do that for you, or the mentor or the program or whatever seminar it is, because it's too expensive. When you say it's expensive, what you're telling yourself is you're not worth it. You're not worth investing to because if that thing was the thing, if that particular program, for instance, was the thing that was going to completely change your life and you knew it was certainty, you would absolutely go and do it. Because you're uncertain of it, you're going to limit yourself and you're going to trap yourself inside of these ideals of that's too expensive, I'm not worth it. Because what you're really telling yourself is you're not worth it. Because if you found the right person that's going to lead you to the place that you want to go, that's been ahead of you, then you're going to limit your ability to actually experience that in your life because you're saying it's too cheap. Because whether you say you can or you say you can't, you're right. It's going to be the same thing if you're looking for a woman and you want to draw in this beautifully feminine woman that brings radiant energy into your life. And if you say they don't exist, you'll never see them. My 11th rule is make it impossible to not be chosen. Now, what I mean by this, and I'm going to give you a brief story because it's kind of strange to say this. And I've said this to many people, but when I started dating Sabrina, what I told her was I said, make it impossible for me not to choose you. Meaning, make our make yourself so valuable to me that I'm going to do nothing but want to choose you every single day of our relationship. But here's the caveat to that is that I'm going to make it impossible for you to not choose me every single day. Because when we ask somebody to make it impossible for us, we need to make sure that we're the version that will make it impossible for them, where our standards are so high that what we're actually asking for can be given to us because it reflects outside of us. You know, if you can't show up as that version of a man that's actually going to be grounded, centered, provide the safety, not just financially and physically, but also emotionally, spiritually, then how could you ever ask a woman to be fully safe with you? How could you ever ask or demand from her that she show up in a way that she would be chosen by you and make it impossible? The same thing is true about your team members inside your leadership, inside of your business. If you want to have A players, then you better be meeting the standards, that you're not manipulative or a poor communicator where you don't actually do the things that you say. You know, the most core piece about leadership is that you're going to do the thing that you set out to do, that you follow your own agreements, because honestly, it doesn't matter to anybody else unless you are actually agreeing to the things for yourself. So if you say you're going to go to the gym, you go to the gym. If you say you're going to eat right, you're going to eat right. Because people pay attention to that. But not only that, your subconscious pays attention to that. It knows and it knows whether or not you respect or trust yourself. And if you can't trust and respect yourself, nobody else can actually trust or respect you because you become unsafe. The 12th rule is lessons over regret find the good. Lessons over regret meaning that when you do fail at something, instead of shaming yourself, doubting yourself, or telling yourself you should have done a better job, that narrative in the back of your mind that's saying to you that you're not enough, that you should you shouldn't be doing what you're doing because you're incompetent to do that, instead of it being regret, shame, guilt, replace that narrative. This was a lesson. I learned from this situation, and I'm going to do it differently. Because when we start to learn from the lessons uh that show up in our life as failures, then you become superhuman. You no longer are tied down to this shameful, guiltful, angry energy that you are frustrated by why how your life is turning out because you're not as fulfilled as you it doesn't matter how successful you are. I don't care if you're running a Fortune 500 company and you have tons of money in the bank and you have a beautiful woman. That does not reflect what's going on for you, how safe you are, or how good your life is. It's just an external reflection of what you've been able to accomplish, but it doesn't actually show what you've accomplished internally. So then as you start to understand that these are all lessons, then you get to remain more present. You're not stuck living in the past, where you're worried about when you die, if you're actually going to mean something in this particular world, where the impact that you're going to make here or the mission that you're on actually is meaningful at some capacity. Which leads me into my last and final rule, which is a two-degree shift will make you an extraordinary rare man. It only takes about two degrees to be set back on center and on course. And there is literally 0.0001% of men that are actually doing this, that are actually taking the necessary steps to start to uncover what's going on underneath the surface, starting to regulate their nervous system, starting to regulate their emotions and repair their child imprinting that has happened throughout decades of their life that have shown up as self-sabotage over and over again, where they get to experience life fully, with full freedom in their relationships, with their finances, with their faith, with their children, with every area of their life, they get to experience this freedom. There's a very, very rare select few of men, and I've only met a few of them. If you want to be that man, if you want to be extraordinarily rare, not because it's a competition to be more rare than anybody else, but that you know that there's more inside of you, that there's more for you to live out of, then just shifting by two degrees, by paying attention to the small things, by recognizing you're not broken, by applying the rules that I've just given you, as you start to apply these into your standards, into your daily walks, and your daily story that you share with yourself, you will start to find that without a doubt, you will start to become this version I'm talking about. You'll start to experience life with extraordinary relationships in a way that is magical and almost as if God intended it. Thank you so much for listening to the Tony Bova show. And if you are new to this channel, you hit the subscribe button. And then I want to remind you that you were built by pain and designed for freedom. Thank you.