The Victim Mentality That Almost Killed Me

In this episode, Tony discusses the nuances of being a highly sensitive person and the challenges of accepting negative feedback. Tony shares a personal life story, touching on past struggles and mental health challenges, offering insights into personal growth. This video provides valuable relationship advice for navigating complex emotional landscapes.

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Transcript

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You know what's incredibly rare is to find a man that happens to be sensitive and also is willing to take feedback. The Tony Bova show, built by pain, designed for freedom. I remember my own journey about eight, nine years ago when I was like a victim to all my circumstances, where I was getting divorced, I had impregnated another woman, where I was all poor as me, where I wasn't able to see my kids, I was in extreme debt, and I wanted to kill myself. And I was still stuck in this poor as me mindset. And I'm gonna be the first one to tell you that I'm direct, I'm intense, but I'm also understanding, like I get it, like the emotions and the feelings. That's a big piece of what we do. But nothing drives me crazier than when you add value to somebody's life. And part of what I do is I jump on strategy calls with the with the guys that want to come into our program and be able to experience the different things that show up for us as we work through what is going on underneath the surface. But when I'm on these strategy calls and I'm lending my time to you to help you actually probably experience one of the most incredible breakthroughs of your life. When you allow your feelings to get in the way of this victim mindset, and like I'll be the first one to be straightforward with you, we won't be taking victims into our program because there's no way I can ever help you if you're gonna be victim to the circumstances and your feelings that are happening. I will 100% honor the fact that you have emotions and that you're sensitive. I'm one of extreme sensitivity, metallion, intense, I'm dyslexic. So many things go on and on and on. But there has to be this line in the scene where we are not so black and white about it's all feelings or it's all stoicism. There has to be an understanding that I have to be uncomfortable, that my feelings might not actually be telling me the truth. And then I have to step into that. See, I was on the phone with a man that wanted help, that was experiencing the point of breaking down completely, almost rock bottom. And I offered him hard truths where I asked hard questions. And I did so with permission. But the conclusion for him was that his feelings had to dictate what his decision-making process was. And because he was uncomfortable, because he was feeling like he wasn't enough, that he was not going to be able to become the version of himself he knew he was capable of, and he wasn't gonna get to experience great love like he knew it was gospel, that he wanted to experience peace, and he was frustrated, where inside of the relationship, she was constantly asking for more, and he wasn't able to meet her standards, and that it was separating them and making them feel further and further apart. That he felt used in that process. Well, I'm gonna be the first one to tell you that you're actually responsible for your own life, and that it is of by accountability that we start to reform and reshape our perspectives, and that being able to have a different perspective on what we're confronting is the thing that's gonna bring you to the next level. If you are not capable of meeting uncomfortable comfortability as a man, it is going to be a slow death into feeling regret and experiencing a life you knew you could have experienced more from simply because you're unwilling to look at the hard truths. We reflect back what we're experiencing. Everybody has a filter. Their subconscious is running a story in the background, showing you the areas in your life that you're you're avoiding based on the fear you're experiencing now. And I will never succumb to somebody else's experience to bring them into our program simply because they want to feel good about it. I would be a terrible coach if I did that. What is important for me is to remain compassionate and gracious and understanding while also remaining safe, holding accountability, and calling things out directly so that you can make changes. That's how you make fast change, is that you're held accountable for a consistent period of time so you get to experience what we are talking about here, which is respect, discipline, and freedom inside a relationship, inside your purpose, mission, vision, and impact. And when I see guys walking around, dude, I'll be the first one to tell you you need to cry. But you don't get to use as an excuse as to why your life can't be better. It is incredibly disrespectful to all the men out there that are willing to eat shit and go get up day after day and then still do the work that's uncomfortable. Just because you get up out of bed does not mean that you're gonna be successful that day. Just because you put your boots on, just because you're willing to be able to experience something uh over and over again that feels really hard, but you're not willing to actually take the step that into the hard that is gonna give you get you out of it, where you can see the perspective shift of, okay, life's not fair. I get it. It is not fair. But until you finally accept and surrender to the fact that it's not fair, only then will you be able to experience the possibility of it being different. Maybe it's unfair for everybody else. Have you ever thought of it that way? Maybe there's something uniquely different about you that you get to share with this place, a unique mission and impact that only you can do. And because you're too afraid to step into that, what ends up happening is you don't share, that's what regret is, is you're not sharing your unique gift, God-given gift, that you are meant to live out in an authentic way, being willing to be in uncomfortable situations, to become the version of yourself you knew from day one it was possible. Why do we have dreams? You think that they're there to just tease us? Or are they there as a gift of an opportunity where I have to break through to the next level of uncomfortability? Where I have to be willing to put myself in situations that are going to expand me even if I fail. And be okay with the fact that I'm failing along the way. Fail forward fast. There's a reason why people say that. The faster you get up, the faster you learn, and the faster you don't see it as failure and you see it as a lesson, the faster you're going to become the version of yourself that gets to experience everything that I talk about on this show. I'm incredibly grateful for this show and the ability to have a mouthpiece to share with you the insights that I've experienced throughout my life. If you're unwilling to see that you might have responsibility in your life, it's going to be a long life. You will go through relationships, you will be broke, and you will not get to experience the beautiful taste of fruit in life. Because every day I wake up, it's a gift. Yeah, I was just sharing this with my mom today. It was kind of interesting, but that I said that I told her, I said, God's greatest gift is death because we get to die. Because there's absoluteness in death. Now, I'm not sharing that from a place where if you're experiencing love one passing, that that's not painful for you. But what I am saying is that the opportunity of death brings life into our existence. That you get to experience the yin and the yang of emotions, where you get to experience, especially as a man, like the masculine piece of safety and container and strength, groundedness, presence, and the ability to defend. It's a masculine trait, is to defend. And on the other hand, because we're human beings, with the emotions that come in play, that you get to experience sadness because sadness is actually an incredible emotion if you know how to see the perspective around it. Or you get to experience excitement, passion, and the ability to experience that with another person, deeply connected in a way where you feel as though you're living out a dream. It's incredibly powerful when we start to separate ourselves from the experiences that were showing up in our life. Where it doesn't have to be I'm wrong, it doesn't have to be I'm bad, but that maybe my perspective is off and I need to reframe, restructure, or see what's going on underneath the surface. We are going to help a tremendous amount of growth-minded men. I am without a doubt sure of that. And that the right men will come into place and want to experience an incredible transformation. Almost as if you saw color black and white, and for the first time you saw it in color. That is what we do. I appreciate you. And I hope this was valuable to you. I know I'm intense, and that's just not gonna change. I love my intensity, but I also love my ability to connect deeply to humans and see them and care for them, uh, especially men. Men that want more out of life than being average. If you don't subscribe to this channel, please subscribe to this channel. And I wish you nothing but the best of your days. And that you get to experience life like you're eating a piece of fruit.