Good Men Don't Realize Her Anxiety Is Trapping Them

On this episode on The Tony Bova Show, we dive into the trap most growth-minded men fall into with women, without realizing it. How her anxiety can make the home feel like a war zone. And the three things needed to create peace inside the home. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Becoming the man that gets to be the man that can handle anything. And when you become this man that handles any situation at home or outside the home, you become unstoppable in that process. The Tony Bova show, built by pain, designed for freedom. I jump on the phone with a lot of high-level guys, guys that were in special operations, guys running businesses. And there's something that keeps coming up time and time again. And these guys are gross-minded, like they're doing meditation, they're doing breath work, they're going to MMA classes and they're going to the gym. And when they get home, there's always this issue that comes up for them time and time again. And there's this moment where she gets super anxious and then they don't know what to do. So in this particular episode, I'm going to dive into why growth-minded men get trapped inside the relationship, what is actually happening for her, and what you can do. As we dive into it, I want you to imagine that you just went through this day where you're able to kill it in all these other areas. And all of a sudden, you know, you have the ability to handle any of these circumstances, the things at work, the team, uh, the different decisions that you have to make, handling the schedule, or being able to handle the most complex issues logically and with uh dignity and the ability to move towards. And then you get home, and once the door closes and the kids start talking, and something happens because the kids are being kids, and all of a sudden her voice comes a little bit different, and you start to hear that anxiety. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. The anxiety that starts to bring that ripple into your chest gets a little tight, and all of a sudden you start to recess from the situation because you're not quite sure how to handle that situation, because all the other situations that you handle, you handle them very skillfully, very precise, where you know what to do. But in this one, the unknown is absolutely terrifying. And you're typically a fighter, you would move into that situation as a fighter. If like if it was another man in that particular situation, you would move towards it. But with her, you can't do that. And as we break down what's happening for her, what's happening inside of you, and how to handle that and move forward, that is gonna be the key to unlocking the deep connection that I know you're looking for, for being able to repair the pieces that are creating dysfunction inside of your family and inside of your home, and becoming the man that gets to be the man that can handle anything. And when you become this man that handles any situation at home or outside the home, there's nothing that will be able to touch you. You become unstoppable in that process. Now, this was very true for me because as I started to pursue my career in law enforcement and I was moving towards it, and the recession hit in 2008 after I graduated college, it was very difficult. But eventually I did get on it because I didn't let up. I didn't quit. I didn't quit after like hundreds and hundreds of rejections, traveling across the country to pursue this job that I so wanted to do, and I had a taste of it in college because I got to do a police cadet program where I had the opportunity to see what law enforcement was really about, and I fell in love with it and I was like, this is for me because I got to handle situations right in front of me. I didn't have to go and plan and do all of these, like, you know, two, three months, whatever it was. Like I was very in the moment. I wanted to handle very complex situations right in front of me that had a lot of risk involved. And as I was pursuing law enforcement, as I got into this industry that was it's domineering, like, you know, you have to do what I tell you to do. And if you don't do it, I take your rights away. And it's very black and white perspective because it is this signal, like this signal of status inside of to keep the community safe, the society safe, and there's a lot of authority inside of that. And I didn't have ever had that feeling of authority as a kid growing up. And as I stepped into law enforcement, I thought I realized I was really good at it. I was very compassionate with the people that I was dealing with, and I was able to start to figure out these complex situations, which brought me into starting to do homicide investigations. And once I was inside homicide investigations, I really was able to see human behavior, like right down to the core of it. And as I started to examine that, I was like, do other people see what I see, what's happening right now? The patterns that keep showing up, the the way that people live their lives, and how it's so obvious to me where their constraint was and why these conflicts were coming up for them. It looked like self-sabotage. But it didn't answer my question for me in my own relationship because I had just left a divorce and I was in a couple different toxic relationships where I still couldn't figure it out for myself, where her anxiety would set me through this place of trying to figure out what I need wrong or how I needed to fix this in order to make her feel better. And I did everything. I remember very specifically with an ex where she had like three washers in her basement that needed to be removed. And I figured out I got a trailer, I removed all of them, I got her the new washer, and I did all of that in like a couple of hours. And it was handled, and it still didn't calm whatever anxiety she was having inside of her life, where she would show up in a different way. She didn't appreciate it. She didn't respect me because I just handled that situation for her, the way that I wanted to feel the respect and the appreciation. And so this brought me down this path of starting to understand why this keeps showing up in my life, because it had become a pattern at this point. And I needed to understand it. I needed to understand why what I had been taught my entire life and how to show up was not actually working. And I knew that there was the opportunity for a greater relationship, a greater connection between me and a woman that would really start to build an empire together. And so I started to uh learn from people that understood masculine and feminine dynamics. And I started to recognize that there's a lot of stuff that I grew up with that was imprinted on my subconscious that I didn't realize that those pieces were actually playing a vital role in how I was behaving. And as I started to peel back those layers, I started to understand why she was responding that way. And this is before Sabrina, because I was able to understand these things before Sabrina, I was able to bring these into framing my relationship with Sabrina, where we are have we have an incredible relationship with her and I, where we are able to have a deep connection, be able to talk about things that most people aren't able to talk about. But yet I also feel extremely masculine and in control of the relationship, not in a domineering way, but in a way where it's an invitation. And she feels very love, seen, heard, and understood and safe inside of the relationship. But it took me a lot of failure to figure that out and the lessons along the way. One of the biggest realizations that I had was learning to actually see that her anxiety was just trapped feminine energy. And inside of that feminine energy, it was something that I actually wanted to experience, but not in the way that she was experiencing, because the way that it was showing up for her was in fear and it wasn't in excitement and passion and spontaneity, where she needed a safe place to be contained with that energy, where she felt so out of control of what the situation was that was ever happening, playing out right in front of us, that because of that, she would kind of dive into this wounded space where she needed to control the situation because nobody was actually containing it energetically in a way that was actually making her feel safe. And even though I was safe at the time, I had great intentions, my heart was big and it loved hard. That wasn't what she was actually looking for. I didn't realize these things until I started learning from some mentors. And as I started to learn these three things about her, and then the three things I needed to do in order to show up that way, that's when everything started to shift. So I'm gonna dive into that. I'm gonna talk about what it is, the three things that are going on for her when she's having this anxiety anxiety attack. Because I've worked with a bunch of different guys, high-level guys that have had the same scenario show up, where whether it's you're about to travel to another part of the world, a country or whatever, and you're you're going on a vacation and she has anxiety about the plane and the travel and all of these different components. Or maybe she has anxiety around the kids and how they're showing up and how she's seeing other people perceive them. Or maybe it's that tough conversation that you're trying to have. And around that tough conversation, she just quite can't seem to handle it. And it kind of throws her into this space where she doesn't feel safe. Before I dive into this, until she actually feels safe, and it's not necessarily your job to make her feel safe, but until she feels safe, she will not tell you the things that are going on underneath the surface in order for you to actually solve the problems that are necessary. So I'm going to dive into these three things. And so what is happening for her is she just wants to be safe. And it's not your job, and I just mentioned this, to be to make her feel safe, but it is your job to be safe. Being safe inside of the relationship looks like you owning your own truth. It looks like holding your own boundaries, it looks like not making decisions simply based upon what she's feeling in that particular moment. It means you have the clarity of where your relationship is going, where your life is going, where the kids are going, so that you can show the path forward. Leadership is not about controlling other people to do what you want them to do. Leadership is about showing them the path and inviting them on the journey. That's what a true visionary is, is that you're inspiring people to come around you and move towards a greater mission together. But unless she actually is able to have that safety piece, and that honestly might be her own work to do. You might actually have to leave that relationship because even if you're showing up safe and she can't show up safe for herself, hold space for herself, then at that point in time, the responsibility lies, why are you still there? The second thing is that her anxiety is just a signal. It's feminine energy, it's this this calling out for a masculine container. It's she's looking for either within herself or with her partner, with you, within her father figure, whatever it looks like, her feminine energy is so wild that she needs it to be contained. Now you can imagine if you looked at a riverbed and that the masculine container is the riverbed and the floor of the river, and that the feminine energy is water. As the water rips through the riverbed, it's guided and directed by the container of it. And the same thing is true with her energies because if she doesn't know where to put it, if she doesn't know how it can be contained, it starts to explode almost like it's being bottled up. And all of a sudden you get that behavior where you're like, where the hell did that come from? Where did that where did that behavior come from? From such a sweet, wonderful human being that I love so deeply. And we have these moments of connection, but these small little moments almost feel as though it ruins the entire experience. Well, it's because that energy is looking to go somewhere and it wants to be contained. And if you can't remain grounded through those different situations that show up, the different behaviors that show up, and sometimes grounded means like, hey, honey, that doesn't work for me. In that particular moment, this does not work for me. How you're responding to me doesn't work for me. And if you continue to do this, it as much as it breaks my heart, this is not going to be something I'm going to be able to remain in. And being able to set the tone for her in that way, where she can, and then actually back up what you're saying with action. And it doesn't have to be this all of a sudden I'm leaving the relationship conversation. It can be set up in different ways and smaller ways throughout the day. Where it's like, when you get like this, I'm actually going to leave because I can't, I can't, I can't do this with you because there's no way to get through to you. So I'm telling you beforehand that when you get like this, I'm gonna leave the room. And I'm not abandoning you because I want to connect with you, but there's no way to connect with you when you're like this. And that you're not in that particular moment, you're not abandoning her because you're communicating beforehand, and you're also not leaving the relationship. So there's other ways to do it than just leaving the relationship. The third thing that's going on for her is that her feelings are dictating the circumstances, her dick her feelings are dictating her behavior, and her her feelings have no consequence to how the actual situation will play out. Where in when she's out of control with that behavior, there it's not relevant to where you guys are going. So the moment you separate the perspective of what's happening for her is not actually what's happening to us, and that you can start to detach from her emotions, then you can start to lead the relationship. Because if we want feminine women, if we want her to drop into her feminine energy, then we have to be able to contain what the wildness feels like. And sometimes that doesn't always feel very exciting. Sometimes it looks like scared, sometimes it looks like fear. And being able to speak to her, because the moment you raise your voice ever so slightly, sometimes it's not even a matter of raising your voice, but there's times when I'll speak to Sabrina and she's like, Why are you yelling at me? And I literally haven't changed my tone, uh, my volume, or anything other than how direct I was. And she's like, Why are you yelling at me? Because women, because the women that are feminine in their in their intuition, they will sense far more than what is externally showing. They're gonna, they're gonna feel what is happening inside of you. And so even though it doesn't feel fair, us remaining grounded is the thing that's gonna make them feel safe, where your feelings do not become consequential to how I'm gonna respond to this. So, what I've learned for myself in this process, and what I needed to do, and these are the three things that I needed to learn in order to be able to hold that container, to move towards her with love, compassion, and connection, while also being able to be firm, grounded, and present was that one, I needed my my mission, my purpose must come before her. Uh, I had to make sure that what I was set out here to do, what God had brought me here to do, what I was created to do, comes before her in our relationship. Because our relationship is a byproduct of what my mission and purpose here is. And I know that she's drawn into me and attracted to me because I'm driven towards this. I'm driven towards what I'm here to create. And because of that, she's able to not feel like she's the priority where she has control over me because she knows what I've already set out for. And when she knows that, it brings down this fear of, okay, well, I I he's gonna, and he's not gonna put me on a pedestal. He's not gonna just change his mind because I my feelings change. And she can't articulate this to you. She can't come to you and be like, hey, you know what? You're not safe because you don't put me in my place. Because I have so much control over the relationship, because she thinks she wants more control, because control equals safety. But the reality is that she needs you so certain of what you're doing in life that she can come in and add value into it and be a part of the journey and build with you. Which brings me into my second thing that I learned. If I own everything, even if it's just still being there, that I'm still in the relationship, if that's the only thing that I can own in the whatever is happening, whatever is showing up, whatever her behavior is, whatever anxiety, whatever frustration is coming up. If I own the fact that I'm present because where I am, there I am, then I'm no longer putting resentment, bitterness, and frustration upon her. And I can actually take control of where we need to go. It allows me to not have to be dictated by how she's experiencing things, and I can still lead us forward. Now, as I tie all of this together with the third thing, which separates and detaches from her experience, her journey and what is happening for her in any given moment, even though that is the most difficult thing for us as men to do, because it's my truest belief that we were designed in our DNA to feel as though if we leave her, then we're leaving her to die. Because hundreds, thousands of years ago, that would have been the case. Because if we left them in the hut where the the predators were and the neighboring tribes were, they were literally that vulnerable. But today in the safe society, it doesn't transmute that way, it doesn't come across that way any longer because we're in a lot safer society. And so we don't experience the same things we did when we were in the woods, but our DNA hasn't changed. And so for guys, we get bonded to our women in a way where it is so difficult for us to leave once we're committed. But I knew I needed to be committed to this before her. I needed to be committed to my growth journey. I needed to be committed to me and how I need to become whole. I needed to work on the things and the stories that happened to me when I was younger, and I needed to be comfortable with this not working out so that it could work out. And because I want to be able to lead the relationship with purpose, with clarity, with confidence, where I'm not allowing her feelings to dictate the circumstances by doing that, it sets me up for success because I can't lose. And if I can't lose, even if I lose her, then it is the only opportunity I have in order to make it the most amazing relationship ever. And that is the message that I want to give to you is that you have the ability to create the relationship you know as possible. Because I know if you're still listening to this, deep inside of you, there's a longing for you to be deeply connected to her. Or maybe someone else that you haven't been able to let go of. And it's inside of these attachments and these bonds, the freeing of this is what it will free you to have the relationship you've always wanted, where it's deeply connected to her, where the sex is absolutely incredible, and it's not about necessarily quantity, because sex can have a different array of energy that's given into you. And it can it can be more magnificent, it can be you can be more present, and it can be more enjoyable in that process. And as you feel more connected to yourself and your mission and your purpose, and you feel more connected into your relationship, the things that show up for you, the people that come into your life, they say, Well, how do you how do you have all of this? How do how do you how is it so easy for you in order to have the life that I wish I could have? Where relationships come in like they're no problem, like they just appear out of nowhere because you elevated your frequency and your energy to a point where people see you now. Money starts to flow in, connections start to flow in, and the life you knew was possible starts to become a reality. But it starts inside of what's her experience and why you're showing up the way that you are. And if this is resonating with you and you find this to be useful and helpful, I want you to subscribe to this channel. I want you to take a look at other videos that I've done up on this that are going to be very valuable and helpful for you. And if you're feeling inclined and you want to work with me or Sabrina, you can find those links below. Uh, I know a lot of you have been reaching out wanting to work with us after we've started to post these videos and these podcasts and um all of our content. And it's really important for you to know that it's not just these videos that are helpful. It's also important for you to know that there's a path forward and there's a blueprint for it, and we have it. And if that resonates with you, you can apply and we'll figure it out and see if you're a good fit. But I want you to take these lessons. I want you to start to microly change how you start to behave inside of your relationship that you so you can show up differently for her because once you show up start showing up differently for her, all bets are off and you're off to the races to having an incredible relationship that people think you're lying about.