Your Therapist Is Wrong About This Phrase

On this episode of the Tony Bova Show, on a raw walk in the woods Tony breaks down why sharing this one phrase most therapist will tell you to use will kill the attraction inside your relationship as a growth-minded man. Instead Tony gives guidance on what to do and how to draw her in.

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Transcript

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If you're a growth-minded dude and your therapist tells you this, fire them immediately. But if your therapist tells you you're having confrontations with your girl, your wife, whatever it is, and she says, and therapist tells you, say, tell them, hey, that hurt my feelings. Stop doing that immediately and fire them. Because I'm gonna explain to you if you want to be able to lead the relationship, and I'm not gonna dive into red pill Andrew Tate shit, but I'm gonna dive into how do you build a foundation so you can lead your relationship and you want to move from being victim to it to actually creating and moving forward with mission and purpose and all the things that I know deeply inside of you, you want to have in your relationship to build an empire with her. And you saying when you did that, it hurt my feelings, is going to deteriorate your relationship over time. It might actually get you somewhere in the conversation you're having, but it's not going to build upon it because that is weak energy for her. And I don't say that to be mean to you, I say that because she doesn't even know that it's weak for her. Therapy was not designed for men and how to build them into their masculine frame. And if you're telling her what hurts you all the time and she's not making any changes, there's actually nothing that's going to change over time because there's no reason for her to change because she doesn't even know why things are coming up for her or why she's doing what she's doing that hurts you. So it's for it's your job, if you want to lead it, to understand why it hurts you and being able to not complain about it. And this is where we're gonna talk about complaint. Complaining energy is not gonna make her wanna ride the shit out of you, okay? She's not going to want it comes across as needy and it comes across as not attractive. She wants the guy that can withstand anything, show up to anything, and be able to just handle it. And you might just not have the tools yet necessary to really understand how to do that. Because for the last several decades, we've been therapized, we've had a narrative that has been against men and masculinity and toxic masculinity. I would so much rather be an asshole than for you to think that I have weak emotional energy. And I'm not diving into this black and whiteness of all right, men don't can't have feelings, men can't go in, you know, be able to express express their their feelings in a way that actually doesn't look like this bottled-up masculinity from our forefathers where men aren't allowed to share and this and that. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying it's not that black and white. But until you are able to actually have a frame, a foundation, you can't go to places where I get to be vulnerable with Sabrina, but the way I do it is completely different. I do it in a way where it's already articulated and framed out for her, where she understands she's not taking on my neediness. And what it does is it draws her into me, it allows her to be remain attracted to me over years and years and years instead of her feeling like, oh, all of a sudden something's missing. What's I don't understand why we're fighting the way that we're fighting, because she will always bring up something that triggers something inside of you. And if you don't know how to handle it, it's going to deteriorate, it's going to take the entire relationship off course because I know that there's this moment. Maybe it's the trash, maybe it's the fact that you didn't carry something into the house. Maybe doesn't really matter what it is, but it creates a reaction for her. She has she then reacts to you, and then all of a sudden you guys are in a fight, and you're like thinking, Man, how did we get here? This is such a small, stupid thing. There's such a logical solution for this. Like, hey, I said just give me two minutes. Like, why can't I just have two minutes? I have to finish this one thing. But because she doesn't trust that you actually will set the tone for her, that you won't set the boundary, then she can never feel safe. Now, before I continue on, I want to make sure that you know it's not your fault, you're not broken, you haven't not figured these things out. And also, it's not your job to make her feel safe. It's your job to be safe. And in order for you to be safe in this process, you have to understand why the things are showing up for you so that you can be able to articulate and have conversations with her in a way where you can set the tone. And what I mean by set the tone is you have a conversation with her where you understand the dynamics that are at play because these are things from a primal perspective, from an instinctual perspective, from a subconscious perspective that she doesn't even know is going on. Nobody is talking about this stuff in the way that we're talking about it right here, because it's not all the way to the right and it's not all the way to the left. It's hey, I'm gonna honor the fact that you are a woman and I want to see you be able to drop into your feminine, feel safe, and then that way I can I get to experience your energy in a way where I feel filled. I feel your radiance, your excitement when you appreciate me, and it fills my heart, and then we get to move into that type of life together. And when we when we start to frame out the conversation and the things that just don't work for you, it's like that criticizing energy, passive aggressive energy, or when she doesn't respect you, like all of those things play a vital role in how you show up because resentment and bitterness will absolutely kill intimacy. And if you cannot frame this out for her and lead the relationship and hold her accountable to the things that you're now starting to understand and see, then there's no way for the relationship to go anywhere in a different direction. That's why it's important for you to start to hear these things, even though it might be really hard. And I understand it's gonna piss off a lot of guys, but these messages, this message is very specifically for the guys that are growth-minded, for the guys that actually want to change the relationship, them for the ones that want to take action and execute. Because I'm gonna be honest, the guys that don't want to do anything about that and they want to complain and they want to say it's somebody else's fault, they're going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. And within that self-fulfilling prophecy, nothing is going to change. They are going to continue to live in their mom's basements, jerking off the porn and God knows what, fantasizing about AI and their life in a basement. But the guys that are up to stuff, the guys that are up to doing something that are showing up, that are able to actually do like lead teams, that are able to show up and to handle very challenging and difficult situations where they're able to logically figure out solutions. This message is for you because if you're feeling lost, like you're losing yourself in this process, that that you don't understand why are these things showing up inside of the relationship when I'm figuring out everything else, like I had the money's coming in, we have the house, like I'm showing up, I'm going, I may even be going to therapy, I'm like going to the gym, I'm doing my MMA, I got my I got my hobbies and I'm really passionate about these things. But what's showing up between you and I right now? Why are we in this situation where I can't figure it out? I can't figure out why we're so disconnected because all I want is to be connected to you and build an incredible life together. This message is for those guys so that you can start to build that. Now, you probably already have read books like Extreme Ownership, and you understand taking responsibility at this point. Now it's starting to figure out the dynamics underneath the surface, the instincts and the primal pieces that are at play, understanding how to set a masculine frame, understanding why her emotions can't affect your decision-making process, why you need to be able to continue to move forward and say, hey, honey, I'm going over here. You want to come with me? Follow me. And it's not about trying to control or dictate or be domineering, but it's about inviting her into this beautiful life together. And that if she can't do that, that you understand you're comfortable doing it without her. It's not that you don't want to do it with her, but that you're going to be comfortable doing it without her because she can't understand, based upon her own design, why these emotional pieces come up for her, why she why she can't control her behavior sometimes, why she feels the amount of shame that she feels underneath the surface without even realizing it, because she feels so justified by the narrative of everybody else around her. And that is not the thing that's going to save your relationship. What is going to save your relationship is by taking the bull by the horns and saying, I'm going over here. You want to come with me, honey? It's going to be fucking incredible. It's going to be one of the most amazing experiences of your life. But hey, by the way, there's a couple things that we need to do in order for us to get there. And one of them is I can't be responsible for your behavior, but I will hold you accountable to it. Because for me, it just doesn't work because I want to I want to love you so hard and I want to have such an incredible relationship that if this if we keep experiencing this, we can never ever get there. Because we always repeat these same patterns. And when we repeat a pattern, what ends up happening is we start back from day one. We start building the foundation again. And in order for you and everything that you want, and I know you want it, you have to have a strong foundation. If that foundation isn't built, you can never get to the roof, you can never get to being able to share the things that you're experiencing in a way where she feels safe enough to be able to hold space for you. And you have to set the tone for that. And it's gonna be probably one of the most difficult conversations. So there's basic things in having an incredible relationship. I'm gonna talk about three of them. This is something that Sabrina and I do and the work that we do with the men that we work with. But one of them is emotional regulation, right? You have to be emotionally regulated, you have to be grounded, you have to be able to handle situations that you feel this reaction inside of yourself. The second thing is how do I have uncomfortable conversations? How do I have those conversations where instead of it turning into a fight, how does it become this thing that we connect even deeper over? Where we didn't see it eye to eye, but we were able to respect each other in that process where now we're closer together because now I see you and you see me. And the third thing is how do we play off of this in a way where we now have an incredible relationship that everybody else thinks we're lying about, where we're now laughing about the things that other couples typically fight over because it's not bothering us because we're both doing our work, that I'm inviting you on this in this journey together to build something incredible, and where we feel like we're the only two people in the world together. That being able to do those three things, and obviously it's not as simple as me just saying those three things, but that is where the incredible relationship is found. Now, if that sounds interesting to you, if you're getting a tremendous amount of value out of this, if your perspective is shifting and you're one of those guys, you know, I I compel you, compel you to take our respect gains assessment, see where you are and the amount of respect that you're receiving at home. And or if you feel so inclined that you want to work with us because you think our message is in alignment with you and you think that we can help you, I'd ask you to reach out, apply. We don't take everybody. Uh we want to make sure it's a good fit. I never want to have uh a situation where I'm working with a guy, it's not a good fit. And so we're very selective with the guys that we work with because we want to make sure that if we're working with you, you you're going to get the results that we're looking for if you put in the work. Like you got to put in the work. Like I can't just sit here and hold your hand through it. But I can give you the path, I can give you the guidance, I can give you the blueprint, and I can give you the framework so that you can build out your mask and container so you can step into that version of yourself that you know is possible, and that you can now have the most complete life full of freedom, respect, and deep connection with her.