AA Without The Myths

We lay out what AA is, what it isn’t, and how to try it without pressure or labels. The goal is to trade fear for facts and open a path to support that actually fits your life.

• why AA shows up early when you explore sobriety
• how fellowship works: sharing, not advice or policing
• availability of in‑person and 24/7 online meetings
• what AA is: self‑supporting, peer‑led, accessible
• what AA is not: religious, a cult, or mandatory
• finding fit: women‑only, men‑only, LGBTQ, atheist meetings
• suggestions vs rules: sponsor, steps, 90 in 90
• structure, shared language, and hope as core benefits
• permission to listen quietly and leave what doesn’t fit
• AA as one path among many to recovery

You can find all three of my podcasts wherever you get your podcasts, Spotify, Apple, all the usual suspects. You can also go to Marcybackismedia.com and listen to any of my podcasts, any of the episodes.

Chapters

• 0:07 Welcome And Why You're Not Broken
• 0:43 Road Trip And Life After Alcohol
• 1:27 Setting The Stage: No Pressure
• 2:43 Why AA Appears Early In Sobriety
• 4:14 What AA Is: Fellowship And Access
• 6:12 Meetings, Sharing, And No Requirements
• 8:15 Online Vs In‑Person Support
• 9:56 What AA Is Not: Religion Or Cult
• 13:01 Finding Your Fit: Meeting Types
• 15:16 Why AA Works: Structure And Hope
• 17:41 Permission To Explore Without Labels
• 19:07 Next Steps And Closing Encouragement

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:07

Hello and welcome to Unbottled. My name is Marcy Backis and I am your host. Just a little reminder before we get into the body of today's episode. If alcohol has started to take up a little more space in your life than you'd like, if you found yourself thinking, I should probably cut back, or is this normal? Or if you've ever Googled something like, Do I drink too much? At two in the morning, you're not alone, and you're not broken. Welcome to Unbottled. I am on my road trip, which could probably sound horrible to a lot of people. I have driven right now from Chicago all the way to I'm in Flagstaff, heading into Las Vegas, which sounds funny. I've now been sober as of January 11th, 38 years. Really not going into Vegas, Vegas, going to my girlfriends, and we're going to see the Wizard of Oz in the sphere. So if you're wondering about quitting drinking, and if you're thinking, oh my god, my life's going to be horrible, it's not. It's not. I just want to let you know that. Welcome back to Unbottled. If you're listening to this episode, chances are you've heard of AA. You may have strong opinions about it, you may have no idea what it actually is, or you may be somewhere in between. Curious, cautious, and maybe even a little resistant. Today we're going to talk about what AA really is, and just as importantly, what it isn't. This is not an episode to convince you of anything. It is not my job to convince this podcast and all my podcasts, because I do have three, are all about giving you information. Take what you want and leave the rest. This is an episode to replace fear with information because you can't make an informed decision about sobriety if you're working off myths or hearsay or anything else. So take a breath with me. Let's breathe in. Breathe out. You don't have to agree with everything. You don't have to commit to anything. Remember, you're just here to listen. Alrighty then. I know that alcoholics don't have a lot of patience for things, so I try to keep my episodes clear, concise, and to the point. And right now we're going to talk about why AA comes up so early in sobriety. When people are starting to explore sobriety, AA is often the first thing they hear about. Sometimes it's suggested gently, sometimes it's thrown out very bluntly. And sometimes it comes with a lot of assumptions, both positive and negative. How it came to me was I was working in a hair salon in the 80s. Cocaine and alcohol ran rampant. One of the girls, Phyllis, got sober. It started to create a curiosity in me. And Phyllis was living a very fun life. So when it came time for me to get sober, and I made the decision on my own, I'll be honest. Not that probably a lot of people hadn't thought it, but no, nobody had the guts to tell me. But I figured it out on my own. I knew that I could go to AA. So the reason AA comes up early is because it's widely available. It's in every country, it's everywhere you go. If you've ever been on a cruise ship and you've looked at the daily things that there are to do, and you see Bill W meeting, that's an AA meeting. So it's widely available, it's free. It's accessible almost everywhere. And now with online meetings, it's accessible everywhere. It's built on a shared experience. It exists for one simple reason. People realize that trying to stop drinking alone didn't work very well. Dr. Bob and Bill W came up with a very simple way to stay sober, one alcoholic talking to another. Instead of creating experts or hierarchies, AA was built on one core idea, what I just told you, one alcoholic helping another. That's it. No professional, no dues, no contracts. Nobody cares if you're at the meeting or not, except for once you become known, people expect you there. I let my friends know I was going to be gone for six weeks, so they didn't worry about me and think something happened. There are no professionals there. It's just us telling our stories, sharing our shared experiences, seeing ourselves in another human being, and realizing staying sober is possible. There are no dues. AA is a self-supporting organization. They take no money or outside contributions. There are no contracts. Again, nobody's going to make you be there. Nobody's not. You're on your own. And that could seem scary, but it works. But despite how simple that sounds, a lot of confusion has grown around it. What AA is. Let's start with what AA actually is. AA is short for Alcoholics Anonymous. Did you know that? Some people do. Some people have only heard AA. Is a fellowship. We are a fellowship, not a program you enroll in, not a treatment center, and not a belief system. And I will also let you know that there is nobody that officially signs those court documents. There is a leader of every meeting, and if you ask them, they'll be happy to do it. But there is no official AA signature. It's a group of people who share their experience, strength, and hope with drinking and recovery so they can help each other stay sober. Sounds simple, doesn't it? But it works. It's worked for me for 38 years. I am very blessed it worked the first time I walked into a meeting. AA meetings are typically peer-led, based on listening and sharing, focused on lived experience and not advice giving. Nobody is going to give you advice. They are going to tell you what helped them and their lived experience. Nobody's going to tell you you should, you should, you shouldn't. They're going to suggest things like reading the big book, 90 meetings in 90 days when you get there, getting a sponsor. All of these are part of the program and they work. There are no attendance requirements. Again, you will be suggested 90 meetings in 90 days, and I did that. No one tracks you. No one checks on whether you're doing it right. You show up or you don't. You listen or you talk. You come back or you don't. AA is built around the idea that connection helps where isolation fails. Alcoholics are famous for isolating. You need connections with other alcoholics who are sober. And for many people, simply being in a room or on a screen with others who understand is a relief they don't know they needed. Now I've always been an in-meeting person. In-person meeting. There you go. There were no screen meetings when I got sober. Actually, I think they really started to take hold during COVID. I do understand there's other other generations that are comfortable with screen relationships. I need one-on-one person. But if screen relationships work for you, then A has 24 online, 24 hours a day online meetings. If you're sitting home right now and you're and you need a meeting, go to AA and find an online meeting. So we've talked a little bit about what it is: one alcoholic talking to another alcoholic, self-supporting, not getting advice. There are no professionals, there's no AA police. The people care whether you show up again or not. I look for the newcomers at the next meeting that identified as a newcomer at the meeting before. You are asked to raise your hand, and in closed meetings, which are meetings that are only for alcoholics, open meetings can be for anyone. You don't have to identify as an alcoholic. You are asked to identify. Hi, my name's Marcy, and I'm an alcoholic. I've said that so many times in my life, it just rolls right off my tongue. So we've talked a little bit about what AA is. What AA is not. This part matters because this is where most people get stuck. AA is not religious. Hmm, not what you heard? Well, AA does talk about a higher power. And that higher power can be anything. If you have a difficult relationship with God, you may find your higher power in a tree, you may find it in being outdoors, you may find it in your morning cup of coffee. AA is not asking you to find a God. Yes, people may talk about God. Yes, there is a spiritual language, but you can create that to fit your need and what you're comfortable with. You may not be comfortable with that part at all. So just leave it out. As you grow and as you change and you get sober, you may find how God and a spiritual leader fits in your life. But AA itself is not affiliated with any religion, church, or denomination. No one tells you what to believe. As a matter of fact, they'll be very clear. When a lot of people share and they use the word God, they'll say, if God isn't working for you, I get it. Find what does. If it's that morning cup of coffee, if it's that walk in the morning in nature, find what works for you. No one checks your theology at the door. No one cares if you don't believe anything at all. Can you be an atheist and get sober? Absolutely. And actually, there are meetings. You can look up atheist meetings. There are meetings for LGBTQ. There are meetings for just women. There are meetings for just men. If you're a woman and you have been through an abusive relationship and you don't want anything to do with men, you don't have to go to a meeting with a man. There are all kinds of meetings. There are book studies, 12 and 12. There are speaker meetings where you don't have to ever say anything. There are heavily sharing meetings. There are all kinds of meetings. The next one is AA is also not a cult. Oh my gosh. A cult never lets you leave. AA, you can leave anytime you want. You are not required to cut off relationships. If they are toxic, you may be suggested to cut things out of your life, but that's up to you. Again, it's your sobriety, it's nobody else's. You don't have to give any frickin' money. Do we pass a basket at every meeting? Absolutely. We normally have to pay for the books, the coins that you get for your sobriety, your 30, 60, 90, 6 month, 9 month, year, 18 month, and I will get a 38-year coin when I get back. The meeting has to pay for those. A lot of times we have to pay rent for where we are. Funny enough, people that you wouldn't give your wallet to to watch when you go to the bathroom at a bar are now collecting all the meeting, counting it, and taking care of it. It is a self-funded organization. It takes money from no one. You are not required to follow a leader. Think a certain way. You are free to come and go. Are you suggested to find a sponsor? Yes, you are. Why? Because there's somebody that can help you through the hard times and the good times. And there are 12 steps to AA. There's somebody to work those steps with. AA is not about shaming. If you are at a meeting and you are being shamed, you are at the wrong meeting. And are there some rogue meetings out there? Absolutely. If you go to a meeting that makes you feel uncomfortable, don't go again, but don't write it off. There's thousands of meetings all over the world. Find a meeting that works for you. If you're a woman and you find that you're not comfortable with men, find those women's meetings. Men, if you want to share and you want to be open and you're not comfortable with women being in the room, find an all-male meeting. For God's sakes, there's enough out for you to find what you're looking for. AA, you are free to come and go. AA is not about shame. If anything, it's about removing the shame. By hearing somebody else talk about something horrible they've done, you can identify, you can remove that shame. And AA is not the only path to sobriety. No, it's not. This is important. AA does not claim ownership over recovery. It is one option among many. It is the option I chose, it is the option that worked for me. My goal is in the months to come is to share other ways to get sober. My way is not the only way. And I want to make sure that if you're listening and you are suffering and you have a problem, that we find a way that works for you. The value is in having support, not in following rules perfectly. Can you get sober and not do AA perfectly? Absodam Lutley. Sorry, got on a little bit of a soapbox there. Why AA works for many people? So why does AA work for so many people? First, it has structure. Early sobriety can feel chaotic. Meetings provide rhythm. Oh my gosh, for me, they provided a social outlet that I didn't even have in the bars I was going to. It provided me friends, it provided activities. There are so much AA activities going on. When the holidays come, they have 24-hour meetings. Remember, I told you that there are AA clubhouses. At AA clubhouses, they have all kinds of things. Through my AA group, I was in a sober bowling league. We had dances. We had bingo nights. It was so much fun. It was way more fun than I ever had drinking. And I had a much better life through structure. Meetings provide rhythm. I look forward to my Friday night meeting. I knew I was going to see there. I'd get all gussied up. Saturday nights, as I told you, I would go to the Malibu speaker meeting and I'd get all dressed up and feel pretty and meet people. And I got to know people there. Secondly, there's a shared language. Hearing your thoughts spoken out loud by someone else is powerful. Those scary inner thoughts, and you hear someone say it out loud, that's very powerful. Third reason it works for so many people accountability without pressure. You're not reporting to anyone, but people notice when you show up and they notice when you don't. And once I knew the minute I walked through the doors that if I ever went back out, and this is my personal story, I would never make it back. I've stayed sober some days just through the fear. Not anymore. In the early days, the fear of having to start all over again was too much for me. But that pressure came from me, not from AA. And fourth, hope. AA works for people because it's full of hope. Seeing people who have stayed sober longer than you can help quiet that fear that sobriety means losing your life. If nothing else, if you listen to this, I hope that my 38 years aren't daunting to you. But a hope that means from 27 years old to turning 65, I've never had to drink and I don't feel like I've missed anything. AA doesn't promise an easy life, it promises a supported one. Last of all, your permission slip. Here's what I want you to hear clearly. You are allowed to go to a meeting and say nothing. Listen and take what helps. Leave what doesn't resonate with you. Decide later. You don't have to introduce yourself. You don't have to claim a label. You don't have to understand the steps yet or ever. Curiosity is enough. And if AA turns out to not be your path, that's okay. But fear shouldn't be what keeps you from exploring it. I hope this was a non-confusing, clear description of what Alcoholics Anonymous is and isn't. If you're curious, go online, find an open meeting. It'll say open or closed. Speaker meetings are generally open. Go listen to a few speakers on a Friday night. Go ahead. Nothing's gonna happen. No one's gonna go, oh, you're new. No one, no one is that way. They may ask if you're new, you can say yes, you can say no. I rarely does anybody ask if you're new, they'll say, hey, my name's Marcy, it's nice to meet you. They may say nothing to you, and that's okay too. So if AA has felt intimidating, mysterious, or loaded, my hope is that this episode softened that a bit. You don't have to decide today, you don't have to decide at all. But you deserve accurate information, not rumors. In the next episode, we're going to talk about your first meeting, what actually happens, what people worry about, and what usually turns out to be okay. Until then, be gentle with yourself. You're doing something so brave just listening to a podcast about drinking. My name is Marcy Backis. I do have two other podcasts. I have Aging Eight for Sissies. So if you're old and listening to this, you might want to listen to Aging Eight for Sissies. And then another podcast with life advice called Inside Marcy's Mind. You can find all three of my podcasts wherever your podcast you get your podcasts, Spotify, Apple, all the usual suspects. You can also go to Marcybackismedia.com and listen to any of my podcasts, any of the episodes. Again, I want you to know I am really glad you're here. And if you're struggling, there is an answer. You just have to take that first step. And we'll talk about that next week. As I always say, go out and do something positive.