You Don’t Have To Do This Alone: How To Find The Right AA Sponsor

We break down the real purpose of AA sponsorship and why connection gives you a better chance at lasting sobriety. Practical tips, plain language, and zero pressure on how to choose, ask, and change sponsors if you need to.

• why isolation fuels drinking and connection supports recovery
• what a sponsor is and how they help
• what a sponsor is not and common misconceptions
• how to spot steady sobriety and red flags
• simple scripts for asking someone to sponsor you
• why it’s okay to change sponsors over time
• how meetings normalize your story and reduce shame
• upcoming tools for early sobriety and routines

You can email me at marcybacchusmedia@gmail.com. Take what helps and leave the rest. You don’t have to do this alone.

Transcript

Welcome And Purpose

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hello, my name is Marcy Backis, and I am your host. Welcome to Unbottle. Yep, I'm Marcy, and I'm the pod, and I'm the host of this podcast, which is about sobriety, what it looks like, how people get started, and how they move forward. One honest step at a time. Alrighty, well, here we talk about real life sobriety, not perfection, not labels, not doing it right. Just real people, real choices, and real support. Oh, if you're just sober, curious, newly sober, coming back after a break, or simply trying to understand your relationship with alcohol, you are welcome here. Take what helps and leave the rest. And most importantly, you don't have to do this alone. I don't claim to be an expert. I've been sober for 38 years, and my oldest child said, why don't you marry your love of podcasting? I have two other podcasts, and your sobriety and try to help other people. So that's what I'm here for. Again, I'm no expert. You can email me at marcybacchusmedia at gmail.com. Marcybacchusmedia at gmail.com. You can email me with questions, concerns, thoughts, and topics. As you know, I got sober through Alcoholics Anonymous. It's what I know, it's what I'm sharing. Once we share about AA, I would love to share about other ways people get sober. But for that, I'm gonna need some people to step up and want to share their stories on how they're staying sober. So again, you can you can reach me at my website, marcybacchusmedia.com, or email me at marcybacchus at gmail.com. I'm glad you're here. I'm always glad you're here. And if you are examining your relationship with alcohol, good for you. Let's just see if I can help in any way. Last week we talked about what it was like when you go, well, two weeks ago we talked about what your first meeting was like. Last week we talked about a day at a time, what it means, why it's important. And today, if you've gone to a few AA meetings and you think you might stay, you're gonna hear this a lot. You need to get a sponsor. You need to get a sponsor. Do you have a sponsor? Have you found a sponsor? And if you're not hearing it, that's fine too. It means that you are staying closed and figuring out what you need, and that's great. But if you do hear it, I want you to know what it means. So today we're talking about something that makes a lot of people uncomfortable at first, and that is getting a sponsor. For some people, the word alone brings up resistance. It can sound intimidating, too personal, too serious, and for God's sakes, way too fast. And that's fine. Sit back and wait. I certainly don't want you to step into something that moves too quick and drives you away. The beauty of Alcoholics Anonymous is take your time, figure it out, do it your way. But there are some loose rules, and one of them is having a sponsor. And for others, getting a sponsor it brings confusion. What is a sponsor? What do they do? What if I picked the wrong one? Those are all valid questions. Do I have to stay with the same one forever? So today we're going to slow it down, way down. This episode is not about pressure. It's about understanding why connection matters in sobriety, what sponsorship actually looks like, and how to approach it in a way that feels human, not overwhelming. I want to remind us back a couple episodes when I talked about your first meeting. And all meetings are not alike, all sponsors are not alike. All meetings are not alike, and I told you to try different ones. Find what fits. Go to a meeting three times before you decide it's not for you. We talked about all that. I want you to bring some of that thought process forward into finding a sponsor. So why sobriety is harder alone? All right. It is FYI. Most people start sobriety believing they should be able to handle it on their own. I can stop drinking. I can go on a diet. I can stop spending money. I can stop gambling. I can stop all these. I know I can stop drinking. How many deals have you made with yourself when you've woken up with a terrible hangover or you had a stupid night or you did something stupid the night before? Or you just woke up and looked over, and there's a glass of wine on your nightstand. How many deals have you made with yourself?

SPEAKER_01 5:12

I want you just to sit with that for a minute and I want you to think about it. All right. Why is sobriety harder alone?

What A Sponsor Actually Is

What A Sponsor Is Not

SPEAKER_00 5:23

That belief usually comes from pride, fear of burdening others, past experiences of being let down, or simply not knowing how to ask for help, or being too damn stubborn to ask for help. But here's the truth alcohol thrives in isolation. Why do you think during the pandemic alcoholism went shot through the roof? Because it thrives in isolation. The difference about sobriety, it grows in connection. It dies in isolation. Sobriety grows in connection. When you're alone with your thoughts, fear gets louder. Doubt gets extremely convincing. Think about it. When you're alone, your fear, very loud, doubting can convince you of almost anything. And old patterns feel familiar. Support doesn't mean weakness, it means you're giving yourself a better chance. Why wouldn't you want to give yourself a better chance? You just want to white knuckle it, do it on your own. I mean, all the power to you if you can do it and it works for you and your life is spectacular, you know, yay. But for the rest of us, I'm telling you, support helps. It doesn't mean weakness, it means you're giving yourself a better chance. That's where sponsorship comes in. Okay. Sponsorship. What a sponsor actually does or is, I should say. A sponsor is simply someone who has walked the path of sobriety and is willing to walk alongside you for a while. In Alcoholics Anonymous, a sponsor is someone with more experience in sobriety, someone you can talk to honestly, someone who understands the ups and downs. So you're not looking for someone who just got newly sober who you think's just going to be your best pal. You're not looking for a pal here. You're not looking for a buddy. If you get one, great. But you're looking for someone that has what you want. So you're looking for someone with time, stability, a strong AA program that they're working. That's what you're looking for. You are looking for someone that has what you want. If somebody has a big house and a car and that's what you want, but they have all the other things, okay. But if you're looking at someone's things, you're not looking at their program. A sponsor is not a therapist. They are not your parent. They are not a boss. They are not a fixer. They do not control your life, they do not make decisions for you, and they don't expect perfection. Their role is strictly supportive, perspective, and shared experience. Think of a sponsor as a guide, not an authority. So what you're looking for is someone that has a good program in alcohol. They attend meetings, they have a sponsor. They know how to work the program so they can guide, guide you through it. They're going to give you suggestions on things to do, 90 meetings in 90 days, perhaps, starting with step one, reading the big book, all kinds of things. Again, they're suggestions. They are not the boss of you. But if you truly chose a sponsor that has what you want, my suggestion is you should listen because they got it somehow. And more than likely, they got it doing what they're telling you.

SPEAKER_01 9:35

All righty.

SPEAKER_00 9:37

What a sponsor is not. This part matters because misconceptions stop people from ever asking for one. A sponsor is not someone to tell you who tells you what to do every minute, someone who judges your mistakes, someone who has it all figured out. They're still working a program, remember? Someone who can disappoint by being human. Sponsors are sober people, not perfect people. Oh my God. If if you think even 38 years in AA and 30 years of sobriety, I am far from perfect. Good lord. You know, sponsors make mistakes. Sponsors aren't perfect. They've had cravings, they've had bad days, they've questioned themselves too. That's what you want. You want someone with real life experience that has had moments of struggles, moments of triumph. This is super important. And because of that, they can sit with you in moments that feel uncomfortable without trying to fix or shame you.

SPEAKER_01 10:49

Think about that.

SPEAKER_00 10:52

There's people out in the world that just are going around being normal, not alcoholics. How many people would love to have someone in their life that will listen to you without trying to fix or shame you?

SPEAKER_01 11:06

Sounds like a dream to me. Alright, so I've told you a little bit about what a sponsor is, what a sponsor isn't.

How To Choose A Sponsor

SPEAKER_00 11:17

I hope you're kind of getting the gist of the sponsor thing. How are we gonna choose one? Well, I kind of gave you a few ideas, but let's kind of delve into that. Alright, first of all, choosing a sponsor does not have to be dramatic. Here are some gentle things to listen for. You're listening for someone whose sobriety feels steady. You want somebody with time.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

Doesn't have to be a lot of time, but time nonetheless.

SPEAKER_00 11:54

Someone who speaks honestly, someone who, when they're speaking at that meeting, you're going, oh, I get it. Or I I hear that. Or even I relate to that. Listen carefully in your meetings. Listen to the people sharing. You don't want the grandiose speaker who's speaking to sound good or look good. You're looking for someone for honesty.

SPEAKER_01 12:22

Someone whose life looks calm and not chaotic.

SPEAKER_00 12:28

You may want someone your age, you may want someone older, you may want someone younger with more time. I don't know. But their life needs to be calm and not chaotic. If you're listening to someone who every three weeks at the meeting is saying they've got a new job, it's the greatest, it's this, it's that, even if they have a lot of time, maybe a little too chaotic to be a sponsor at this point. They're working their program. You are allowed to choose someone for now. Is your sponsor forever? Absolutely not. Can they be forever? Absolutely. But you may have a sponsor that you outgrow at some point, and that's okay too. And it's great to be honest with them. You know what? I've been with you for about three years. I think I'm ready to look for a different sponsor for whatever the reason. That's okay. Not gonna kill your sponsor, they're gonna be just fine.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

They've outgrown sponsors too.

Asking And Changing Sponsors

SPEAKER_00 13:35

Just remember you're allowed to choose someone for today. Many people say something simply, like simple, like, I'm new and I'm looking for a sponsor. Would you be willing to help me get started? Right there, you're laying it out. I don't know a lot about you, you don't know a lot about me, but I need to get started and I need someone to point me in a direction. That's it. No speech required. Now, one of my meetings at the end of the meeting, they say, anybody willing to be a sponsor, raise your hand. So everybody raises their hand so you can look around the room and see if there was somebody that was sharing or talking or exhibiting a program you were interested in having be a sponsor. Then they ask all those looking for a sponsor, raise their hand. And you can raise your hand if you want, and somebody may come up to you. So it can go either way. So that there's no speech required. You just need to gently ask. And if it doesn't feel like the right fit later, you're allowed to change. That's not a failure, that's learning. And it can be as simple as you know what? I think I just need someone different. You're a wonderful human being, but as far as the sponsor goes, I need something different. And they're gonna be fine. Why connection is the real tool? Well, I've explained this before, and I'm probably gonna explain it in every episode because it's important. Excuse me, I don't have my microphone. Very sorry about that. I do not have a microphone. I am working on my laptop on this on my road trip. So I did not have my cough button. So I apologize. I'll try to get it out of there, but who knows? This is real life. Why connection is the real tool? Well, we've talked about that. Dr. Bob and Bill W founded AA on the principle of one alcoholic talking to another. So, right there, connection is the real tool. Sobriety is not just about not drinking. FYI, it's not just about not drinking. It's about learning how to live without numbing yourself. And that is very hard to do alone. Connection interrupts isolation, normalizes your experience. Okay, what does that mean? Normalizes your experience. And AA meetings, we're all alcoholics, we all understand. Eventually, you're gonna be sitting in a meeting and someone's gonna share their story of when they were out drinking, and you're gonna go, holy crap, it sounds just like me. I've heard it multiple times. So you are no longer feeling odd. Somebody else did what you did. That normalizes your experience. It offers perspectives when your thinking gets loud. A sponsor is one way to build that connection. Not the only way, but a powerful one. AA has a lot of parts to it. How is one to know all the parts?

SPEAKER_01 16:53

And all the parts work well together.

SPEAKER_00 16:56

So having a sponsor guide you is important. If the idea of getting a sponsor feels uncomfortable, that's okay. Discomfort doesn't mean danger. Please understand that. If you're going to meetings, you're doing it. But discomfort does usually mean growth. You don't have to rush, you don't have to get it perfect, you just have to stay open to what AA has to offer.

SPEAKER_01 17:26

Sobriety is not a solo sport, and you were never meant to do this alone. Thank you for spending this time with me.

Connection As The Core Tool

SPEAKER_00 17:40

If something in this episode resonated, sit with it. If something didn't, let it go. This podcast is about progress, not perfection, about honesty, not pressure. And remember, stay curious, stay connected, stay unbottled. In the next episode, we'll talk about early sobriety tools that actually help. Meetings, routines, and getting through the hard days. I am on a road trip. I don't share a lot of my personal life on this particular podcast. My other ones, I do. I'm going to do a quick little, I have two other podcasts. One is Aging Eight for Sissies, probably for 50 and above that one. And my other one is inside Marcy's Mind. That's life tips, live hacks, just life in general. And on both of those, I share a lot about my personal life. I am on an epic six-week road trip, and I will be going on a cruise this weekend with my best friend. Probably the only person left in my life, because my family didn't see my drinking. I was already out of the house and on my own. Um, who witnessed all of my drinking. Still my bestie. Still my bestie. We're going on a cruise to celebrate being cancer free. So when you listen to this episode, I will be on the ship. And the next episode, I will have gotten off. And yes, I can take a cruise and not drink. It's the only reason I brought it up because we can do life without drinking. I want you until then to be gentle with yourself. You're doing something brave. This is unbottled.