Why Support Matters More Than Willpower In Sobriety

We move from the first days of quitting to the real work of staying sober, where willpower fades and support becomes the difference maker. I explain why doing recovery alone turns into isolation and how connection, meetings, and sponsorship keep you honest when your brain starts bargaining. 
• shifting from starting sobriety to staying sober 
• why “I should do this alone” becomes isolation 
• how the brain minimizes, justifies, and rewrites the past 
• what real support can look like through meetings and check-ins 
• why this podcast helps but cannot replace real connection 
• what a sponsor is and what a sponsor is not 
• common fears about sponsorship and how to normalize them 
• simple ways to ask for a sponsor and choose someone who resonates 
• staying sober through daily choices, honesty, and asking for help 
If you're liking this kind of conversation, make sure you check out my other podcasts. I have Inside Marcy's Mind, I do life hacks, everyday systems, and things that make life easier. I have my other podcast called Aging A For Sissies. You can find both wherever you're listening.

Transcript

From Starting To Staying Sober

Willpower Ends Support Begins

How Your Brain Talks You Back

Why A Podcast Cannot Replace People

Sponsorship Demystified

Sponsor Fears And Simple Scripts

How To Choose A Sponsor

What Changes With Real Connection

Quick Break Other Shows

Daily Choices Honesty And Asking

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hello and welcome to Unbottled. My name is Marcy Backis, and I am your host. Hey friends, welcome back to Unbottled. I'm really glad that you're here today. Whether you're driving, walking, sitting with your coffee, or just trying to get through a moment that feels a little harder than you expected, you're in the right place. Take a breath with me for a second. I don't know about you, but sometimes just a deep breath in and out feels really good. Because around here we don't do perfect, we do honest, we do real, and we figure this out together. So if you've been listening for a while, you know what we've talked about. We've talked about making the decision the first 30 days, walking into meetings, getting through those early moments, but today we're not talking about starting anymore. We're talking about staying. Hope that sounds good because that's where we're at. It's time to stop feeling like we're starting something. And we're into it and we're staying. This is definitely a transition. Because here's the truth that nobody really tells you. At some point, this does stop being about willpower, and it starts being about support. Well, there's this voice, and I know you've heard it, that says, I should be able to do this on my own. Like needing help somehow means you're weak, or you're failing, or you're not doing it right. Well, let me say this clearly. That is not strength, that is isolation. So I want you to start thinking about it. We've we've stopped. We've stopped the drinking, we've stopped the shopping, whatever your vice may be. You know, here we talk about drinking, but you can you can pretty much insert drinking for shopping or scrolling or anything else. They may not have the same effects on your life as drinking does, but they are detrimental to some people. But we here talk about drinking. And again, needing help does not make you weak. It doesn't mean you're a failure, it doesn't mean you're not doing it right. Again, I want to say this clearly that is not strength, that is isolation. When you're trying to buckle down and do something all alone, I don't know. The people who stay sober, and as you know, I've been sober for 38 years. Yeah, I I know. I I don't know. I that just kind of took me back. I was thinking, yeah, I've been sober for 38 years. And the reason I was able to stay sober wasn't just because I'm strong. I didn't do everything perfect, nobody does it perfect. I did stay connected. I have always had people in my life that I got sober around. I followed the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, and we're gonna start talking about that more and more in my podcast because that is my go-to. So if you're choosing to do it another way, you can take these principles and work them into whatever it is you're doing. If you're choosing AA, you're in the right spot because I'm gonna give you a lot of information, I think. Good information. So, why does support even matter? Can't you do it on your own? Well, no. The principles in AA are just that. Two alcoholics talking to one another is what keeps us sober. Because when you try to do this alone, your brain becomes your only reference point. And let me tell you, your brain's not working great right now. I need a little sip of my Diet Dr. Pepper cream soda. I will tell you this. When I quit drinking, my Diet Coke uptake went high. But you know what? Diet Coke can't get me a DUI. Diet Coke doesn't make me treat people different in my life. Diet Coke is okay, and Diet Dr. Pepper, darn good. So find yourself something to switch to that you enjoy. But because when you try to do this alone, your brain becomes your only reference point, and we already know how that goes. It's not great. I'm gonna tell you, as we've talked about in some of the other episodes, your brain will minimize, justify, rewrite, convince you everything is fine now. Ooh, and without another voice, that story starts to feel true. Man, your brain can tell you anything and you'll believe it. Anything. You need another frame of reference, you need support. Support can look like a lot of things. Meetings, people in recovery, someone you check in with. And yes, even this podcast, even this podcast, because I'm gonna tell you everything that your story tells you, your brain tells you is wrong. You're not okay now just because you made it a few weeks without drinking. You will drink again if you do not have support. I'm gonna tell you that. You will drink again or you will be miserable, one or the other. Support will keep you from being miserable, it'll also help you to keep from drinking. I think one of the things I hear the most in the meetings is before people go out and drink again, is they stopped checking in. They stopped going to meetings, or they stopped calling their sponsor, or they never got a sponsor, they didn't work the steps. There was something they were not doing. They were not doing, they were not doing it, and that's the facts. So support can look like a lot of things. Again, meetings, people in recovery, someone you check in with, and yes, even this podcast. And I want to pause here because if you're listening right now, right now, if you're listening to this podcast, no one's gonna come to this podcast that doesn't think they have an issue. It means something. It means you're trying, you care, or you're showing up. And that matters. If this podcast once a week is gonna keep you sober, well, I am grateful for that. But in my heart of hearts, I know you need more. But if this is where you're beginning, please stay. Please listen. Listen to all my episodes up until this one. Listen. I am gonna say something important, and I say this with love. This podcast can support you, but it cannot replace real connection. I can talk to you, I can tell you you're doing great, I can tell you don't pick up that next drink, but I can't hear you. I cannot check in with you, I can't say, hey, what's really going on today? And that's where this next step comes in. Sponsorship. Let's talk about something people sometimes hesitate around. Getting a sponsor. So if you've been attending AA meetings, first, any and pretty much any AA meeting, they'll talk about sponsors. Sponsors are important. They are that check-in person, they are that person that will kick your butt when you need it, they are that person that will clap for you when you need it. They are your person. How do you find a sponsor? Well, we'll talk about that in a little bit. Now I know even hearing that word can feel like a lot. It sounds official, it sounds serious, it sounds like a commitment. Well, it is, but let's just simplify it. Let's redefine it. A sponsor is simply someone who's been where you are and is a little further ahead down the road. I just want you to think of walking down a road, and your sponsor is that person that's down that road a piece more. Could be a big piece, could be a smaller piece. But they've been on that road where you're at, but they're a little ahead of you now, and they can help you navigate. They're not in charge of you. You're gonna be doing your own check-ins. It's not their job to check in with you. They're not gonna tell you what to do, they're gonna give you suggestions. Just someone who understands. I want you to think of it like this. Would you rather to try to figure everything out alone or have someone say, hey, I've been there. Let me talk with you. Let me walk with you. Let me show you the way. I was walking to the gym the other day. And for those of you that don't know, I live in downtown Chicago, right in the heart of the city. I walk probably 75% of everywhere I go. And I was walking to the gym, and there was a gal, she's looking at her phone, and you can kind of tell when somebody's lost. And I asked her, and she's like, Oh, she asked me, and I said, Let me show you. And I walked her to it. It was easier than trying to explain it, trying to point and this and that and go there. I just was able to walk her there. She really appreciated it. It made her day a lot easier. So having a sponsor and having someone you can walk with will make your day a lot easier, too. What does a sponsor actually do? In real life, a sponsor picks up the phone, which I can't for you. I can be here to support you. And doggone it, that's my goal is to support. Even if this podcast helps one of you out there drinking to keep from drinking, it's doing its job. But a sponsor can pick up the phone, help you sort your thoughts out. Oh my gosh, those thoughts, I'm telling you in the beginning of sobriety, your thoughts are evil. They want to mess with you all the time. It gently calls you out when your brain is lying. It, they gently call you out when your brain is lying. They share their experience, their strength, their hope, not lectures. And maybe most importantly, they remind you who you are trying to become when you forget, because you're gonna forget. You're gonna have good days, you're gonna have bad days, you're gonna have all kinds of things. Your sponsor's gonna be there for all of it. There can be a lot of fear around that. So let's normalize it. Because let's be honest, there's hesitation. You might be thinking, what if I pick the wrong person? What if I don't know what to say? What if they judge me? Oh, those thoughts, again, those are your thoughts, right? They're all normal. Every single one of those thoughts normal. What if I pick the wrong person? Guess what? You don't have to stay with a sponsor. You don't know what to say. All you have to say is, I've been sober 12 days and I am looking for a sponsor. People naturally judge, but in AA we do our very best not to. It's not my job to judge you. You're on your journey, I'm on mine. And if I'm busy judging your journey, that means I'm not paying attention to my journey. So, although it could happen, not a big thing in AA. So all of that is normal. You don't have to do it perfectly. You just have to start. Remember, my big thing is you don't have to do it perfectly. Nobody's perfect. Nobody. You just gotta stick with it. You just gotta start. So, how do I get my sponsor? Well, I gave you a little hint earlier. It doesn't need to be complicated. You don't need a script and you don't need a big moment. You just listen for someone you connect with. Notice who speaks in a way that resonates and say, Hey, would you willing be willing to sponsor me? I was told, look for something, somebody that has what you want. And my first sponsor, I found a gal. Oh my gosh, name has just totally escaped me. But she had a great marriage and she had kids. And I knew that's event eventually what I wanted. I like the way I liked her walk. I liked her journey through AA. I had listened to her speak at many meetings and talk and share. And that's what I wanted. And I asked her and she said yes. So, hey, would you be willing to sponsor me? That's not hard. It's pretty simple. All right, we're gonna take a quick pause here because if you're liking this kind of conversation, make sure you check out my other podcasts. I have inside Marcy's mind, I do life hacks, everyday systems, and things that make life easier. I have my other podcast called Aging A for Sissies, because I am 65. It's about real talk about aging with humor, strength, and honesty. You can find both wherever you're listening. All right, let's get back to it. What changes when you stop doing this alone? Wow. Here's what shifts when you stop carrying this very heavy burden by yourself. Things feel lighter. Have you ever been carrying something and somebody asks to help you and they take part of the load? It's easier, right? So things feel lighter, not perfect, but lighter. Because now you have someone to call, someone who understands, and someone who sees you. And that's connection. I'm going to tell you something. You guys getting sober today with cell phones and texting, uh, what a gift. Because back in my day, the best thing we had is if they had a pager, you could page them, or you could leave a message on their answering machine if you didn't get a hold of them. These days we have pretty much an instant connection. And that's what keeps people going. Connection. Keeping it going isn't about one big decision, it's about daily choices. Staying connected, being honest. Remember from the beginning, I've told you honesty, and your brain is going to try to tell you other things. Don't listen. And that's where, again, connection comes in. You can say, This is what my brain's telling me. I would tell my sponsor, this is what my brain's telling me, and my sponsor would walk me through it. Do you think your brain's telling you the truth? Probably not. All right, then what is the truth? What should you be hearing? Would walk me through something like that. And man, that helped. So it's about daily choices, staying connected, being honest, asking for help again and again. I'm gonna say it again. It's about daily choices, staying connected, being honest, asking for help again and again. If you're listening right now and you've been trying to do this on your own, I want to say to you directly, you don't have to. Not anymore. You are allowed to need support. You are allowed to ask for help. And you are absolutely capable of building a life that feels better than the one you left behind. Around here, we don't do this alone, we don't pretend, and we don't go backwards. We reach out, we stay connected, and we keep going one day at a time. Thanks for being here with me. Have a great week. We'll be back here next Friday.