How Friends And Family React When You Quit Drinking

Sobriety doesn’t just change what we drink, it changes how people treat us and how we move through rooms that used to feel normal. We name the confusing reactions from friends and family, then share ways to set boundaries and protect our recovery without turning it into a fight. 
• the three common “camps” loved ones fall into before we quit drinking 
• why people stay silent or joke even when they’re worried 
• how unintentional enabling can happen at home and in friendships 
• what shifts fast once we’re sober and why it can unsettle others 
• the remarks that sound small but can be triggering 
• a simple reframe: most people don’t know how to help 
• how we can clearly state boundaries so others can relax 
• why AA open meetings can help families understand recovery 
• why Al‑Anon matters when you love someone with alcohol addiction 
• why relationships changing is clarity, not failure 
If you're loving these conversations, I do have two other podcasts. You need to check them out. You can find everything, episodes, updates, and more on my website, MarcyBacchusmedia.com, Marcy with a Y, Backhus with a CK, Marcybackhusmedia.com, and obviously where everybody gets their podcasts. 

Transcript

Welcome To Unbottled

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hey friends, welcome back to Unbottled, where we are living life sober, clear-headed, and just a little bit louder than we used to. I'm Marcy, and around here we talk about sobriety in a way that's real. It's definitely not perfect. I do my best to not be preachy. And it's definitely, there is nothing that is one size fits all. So I try to hit what I know. Because the truth is getting sober is one thing. Staying sober, that's where the real work, the real growth begins. So if you're new here or you've been walking this road for a while with me, I'm really glad you're here. FYI, this is my 18th episode now in Unbottled. So, all right, let's get into it. Let's talk about the part of sobriety no one prepares you for. Not the cravings, not the routines, not even the God thing. We talked about that a while ago. I'm talking about other people. And this week, you know, I do have a plan for where this podcast is going. But you know, God, God is funny that way for me. You know, while I'm making plans, he's making plans. So are they making plans? I really don't feel that God has a sex. I apologize for using a pronoun there, but uh yeah, life life has a way of changing. And so, you know, I I'm what I'm gonna talk about this week are the other people. Because we don't get sober in a vacuum. We have friends, we have family, the ones that love us, and still somehow make it harder. Not because they're bad people, but because they don't always know how to show up. They may not not only know how to show up, uh they show up. They just, you know, I don't. Ugh. And there's also that part about being the friend or the family member that doesn't know what the hell to do. Just because I've been sober for 38 years doesn't mean I haven't been in a position in my family where someone had a problem and I didn't know how to help, because it's a very sticky subject when it's someone close to you. So let's talk about before you get sober and what they see. And you know that they are your friends and family that love you. That's who I'm talking about. So before you get sober, what do they see? The people around you are usually in one of three camps. They're worried, but they don't say anything. I fell in that camp. They joke about it or minimize it, or they could be right there along with you drinking the same way. Now, I'm sure there's many other camps. I'm trying to keep this in a in a simplified fashion. And here's what's tricky about all this: even if they see something isn't right, they don't know what to say, have no clue when to say it. Think about if you're on your sober journey now, think about how you were when you were drinking, how receptive you might have been. What to say, when to say it, or how you'll react. Now that was what I was always worried about. In my situation, I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to lose that person. It's it's really hard. So most people they do nothing, or worse, they unintentionally enable it. And it could be a husband and wife, it could be anything, friends, but the person that's living next to you or or being next to you may unintentionally enable it. So that's kind of the thought before you get sober. So your friends are out there, they're trying to figure things out, your family members, they may have really blown it. And I and I'm here to tell you if they really blew it trying to help you, for God's sakes, don't be angry at them now, now that you're getting clear-headed. Don't hold them at arm's length. They weren't doing anything bad, they were trying to help. None of us, none of us are perfect. And so if you're holding someone away because they didn't handle you right when you were drinking, for God's sakes, let them back into your life. Don't do that. Because they weren't trying to be mean, they were trying to help. All right, so now you get sober, and suddenly everything changes. But you know what? You we are so as alcoholics, we are the most self-involved people, and it doesn't change when you get sober. We are still self-involved. It takes a lot to get us out of that. I'm gonna hear to tell you eventually you do. But when you get sober, it's about me. Look at me, I'm getting sober. I got 30 days, I got 60 days, and you should be there. But I want to think you to think about your village around you. Everything changes not just for you, but it changes for them too. Because now you're not drinking at dinner, you're not going, you're not, you're you're not joining in at the parties, you're noticing things you did before, and you may even be setting boundaries. Who even are you? This is a lot for people to take in because when you stop drinking, things change radically fast and fast. Now, your sobriety can make other people look at themselves, and who likes to look at themselves? Not everyone likes that. They could get angry, they could get mean, and they could push you away, especially if they were your drinking buddies. And FYI, you should get all drinking buddies out of your life. Sometimes it's hard if they're family. But you need to make some changes. We'll talk about that when we get into next week. But your sobriety can make other people look at themselves and they may not like what they see, and they may hold you responsible for that. But guess what? You're not. You focus on you. Right now, I'm going to hasten to say being self-involved when you first get sober isn't necessarily a bad thing. If you can't move past it, it becomes a bad thing. But in the beginning, really, you do have to focus on yourself. So, what are some of the reactions that you may be hearing right now? Let's name what actually happens, because this is where people feel alone. You might hear things like, you weren't that bad. Oh my God, you can have just one. You're just no fun anymore. Are you still doing that sobriety thing? Now I am gonna say, because people are very sober curious right now, because people are doing all types of sobriety. I'm thinking maybe it's not as bad as it used to be, but since I'm not on that end of newly getting sober, I honestly can't answer that. Or there could be something very very much more subtle. People stop inviting you, people feel awkward around you, and people test you without realizing it, and that stinks because you're over here doing something really hard, and instead of support, you're getting weirdness. Okay, and the truth is they don't know how to help, and this is really important. Here's the reframe that helps soften this just a little. I'm gonna say most people aren't trying to hurt you, as I said earlier. They just don't know how to help, they don't know what to say. It's almost like something somebody died because they did. The drinking, you died. Now we all know when somebody dies, nobody knows what to say, nobody knows what to do, everybody is stymied. There's a word. They're stymied. What does stymied mean? It means stuck in your tracks, you don't know what to do. So remember that most people aren't trying to hurt you, they just don't know how to help. Let's talk about it again. They don't know what to say. What's supportive versus triggering? That is a big one. That is a big one. What's supportive versus triggering? And that's going to change as you walk through your sobriety. What's supportive to you and what's triggering is gonna change. But in the beginning, they don't know what the heck to do. Whether to bring it up or whether to avoid it. And to be honest, these are all things that you have control over. You can sit your friends down, you can set your family members down. I will tell you, um, I just celebrated my 65th birthday. I've been sober for 38 years. I celebrated it with my best girlfriends in Las Vegas, not doing the gambling thing, doing the my girlfriend lives outside of Las Vegas. We stayed at her place. We went in and had a wonderful dinner at the Bellagio, a beautiful, gorgeous dinner. And the day we were going to the dinner, I said to all my friends who have known me, all of these people, my sister was there, my bestie, who's been my bestie since we were 10, and girlfriends that I've had for well over 20 years. And I said to them, hey, I want you to know if you want a cocktail tonight, if you want a glass of wine, feel free to order it. Don't not enjoy yourself tonight because of me. None of them have a problem. None of them have ever drank around me. That's the truth. Not because I've asked them, it's just alcohol's not that important to them. I know, ooh, mind blow, right? Like us alcoholics can't see that. Alcohol is not that important to them. But this was to be an enjoyable night, and I wanted people to enjoy, and people did. But it was my job to let them know where my boundaries were, and they all respected them. They they had a glass of wine or one cocktail, and and that was it, and it was great. And I didn't feel like I had ruined their fun time, and they didn't feel weird about doing something that might bother me. Because sobriety is a language that they don't speak. All right. You know, I've had people say the wrong thing to me. I might have shared this on earlier episodes, but I'll share it again. I've been with my husband, I've been sober 38 years, we've been married 35. I met him when I was two years sober, and we got married within that year. His friends have never seen me drink, as he's never seen me drink. Maybe I was probably, I don't know, 25 years sober, maybe further. I maybe late 20s. And we were at our annual beach party at our friend's beach house, and my one of my husband's friends said to me, you know, I don't think you ever had a drinking problem. I think you just went through one of those times in your life where you drank too much. Now, funny, I've wondered about this person throughout our relationship. But I thought, dude, if you had said that to me in my early sobriety, all you're doing in your beginning sobriety is looking for someone to give you a reason to drink, a situation, a comment, anything. Had I not been secure in my sobriety, I know for a fact that would have been something. Oh, you know what? He's probably right. I maybe I can drink. Thank God I wasn't in that place. I honestly got over my cravings for alcohol rather quickly, I would say, in my first year of sobriety. I know it's not that way for everyone. It was for me, and I feel very blessed for that. So being around alcohol and things never was a big deal. My husband's a total normie, so we've never had alcohol in the house. Nothing more than beer and wine. Yes, I know that's alcohol. Not my wine was my thing, but I don't never had a craving for it. My husband never drinks at home when he gets home from work or things like that. He may have a beer with pizza. Or if we ever had parties, it was a beer and wine party. And honestly, it never bothered me. My relationships shifted after I got sober. People that I didn't think would show up for me showed up for me, and ones I thought would didn't. Family was always super supportive. Feel very blessed there. So your journey will be your journey. It won't be mine. But these are things I want you to think about. I want you to know that all of us go through this stuff. I mean, here I am late in my sobriety, and somebody still says a dumbass. It was a dumbass thing to say. Was it important to say? No. Did he need to say it? Absolutely not. Could it have hurt me? Yeah, it could have. And to be honest, my sobriety is none of his frickin' business. So I want you to think about these things. You're not alone. I'm going to take a quick pause here because I want to make sure you know where else to find me. If you're loving these conversations, I do have two other podcasts. You need to check them out. Inside Marcy's Mind, this is a wild one. I talked last week I talked about the Declaration of Independence. You never know what I'm going to talk about. I hope it gives you something fun, interesting, things to learn, perspective shifts, fun stuff, negative stuff. It could be everything. That's inside Marcy's mind. And aging a for sissies, where we keep it real, a little sassy, and we talk about what it actually looks like to age intentionally and not quietly. That's for anybody 40 years and up. If you're younger than that, you probably won't find much out of it. But if you've got parents, send them my way, please. It's a great podcast. I've been doing that one for three years. You can find everything, episodes, updates, and more on my website, MarcyBacchusmedia.com, Marcy with a Y, Bacchus with a CK, Marcybacchusmedia.com, and obviously where everybody gets their podcasts. All right, let's get back to talking a little bit about our sobriety. I have to tell you something. I live in Chicago. I live in a high-rise downtown. And within the last five minutes, the fog has moved in off the lake. I can't even see out my windows. I can't see anything but a white sheet. And it literally happened in five minutes. Crazy sometimes down here. All right. For friends and family listening, and if you're someone listening who loves someone getting sober, okay? So if you are not the alcoholic, but you're listening to my podcast to try to gain insight, here's how you can help. Don't push alcohol. Don't minimize their choices. And don't make it about you. I'm going to repeat those things. Don't push alcohol. Also, don't act stupid around alcohol. Don't minimize their choice to quit drinking ever. And don't make it about you. Instead, just show up. Ask how they're doing. Support the change. Even if you don't fully understand it. It's not about you. It's about them. You don't need perfect words. You just need to not make it harder. And here's something I'll tell you. If your person is going through AA as their sobriety tool, ask to go to an open meeting with them. Open meetings are for everyone. They're usually a speaker meeting. They're great. So ask to go to a meeting with them if they're if they're doing that. If you have someone you love that isn't getting sober or has just gotten sober, al-Anon. Al Anon, Al-Anon, Al-Anon all day. Okay. Now I'm not going to sugarcoat this. Relationships will change. Some relationships will grow stronger, some will fade, and some the ones built around drinking, those will go away. That's not failure, that's clarity. All right. If things feel awkward, strained, or different, you are not doing sobriety wrong. You're doing something really brave. It's hard to change your entire life. It's hard to give up something that your body craves. And let me tell you something. Every time we grow, and if you aren't even getting sober and alcohol's not your problem and you're listening for whatever reason, growth always changes the room. Just know that. No matter what you're doing, growth, if you're growing, it always changes the room. Always. So, all right, my friends, if this episode hit close to home, just know you are not the only one navigating this. Sobriety doesn't just change your habits, it changes your relationships, your environments, and sometimes even your identity. And that takes time. If you're struggling or wondering if you might have a problem, just know you don't have to figure it out alone. There is support, there are people who get it, and there is a way forward. Thanks for being here. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time on Unbottled.