Not Everyone Will Cheer For Your Sobriety

Not everyone in our life will love the sober version of us, especially when our “no” forces other people to look at their own habits. We talk about why this pushback happens, how to set boundaries without a speech, and how to let go of relationships that only worked when we were drinking. 
• why some people want the old version back 
• how sobriety can feel like you become “the problem” 
• the subtle ways pressure shows up at parties and events 
• setting boundaries even when it feels uncomfortable 
• reframing boundaries as protecting your peace 
• simple phrases to shut down pushy questions 
• outgrowing environments and relationships as part of growth 
• finding support through AA, Al-Anon, and community 
On my website, marcybackhusmedia.com. I have a link to Al Anon and I have a link to AA. If you're wondering, if you're seeking, if you are someone supporting someone, click those links, get yourself some help 

Transcript

Welcome And The Real Work

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Hello, and welcome to Unbottled. My name is Marcy Backis and I am your host. Hi friends, welcome back to Unbottled where we are living life sober, clear-headed, and a little bit louder than we used to. I am Marcy, and around here we talk about sobriety in a way that is real, not perfect, not preachy, and definitely not one size fits all. Just throw in there, I've been sober for 38 years. Because the truth is about getting sober is one thing. Staying sober, that's where the real work and the real growth begins. So if you're new here or you've been walking this road with me for a while, I'm really glad you're here. Actually, I just realized this is episode 19. Very excited. I keep thinking, honestly, that I'm gonna get into AA and the program, but then I keep thinking of more things to talk about. All right, so let's get into it. Let's talk about something that feels kind of awful to admit. Not everyone in your life is gonna love the sober version of you. Now, last week we talked about some of this. I'm gonna dive into it a little deeper today. So, not everyone in your life is going to love the sober version of you, especially if you were in a relationship where people controlled you by your drinking. Even though they say they hated it, there may be a part that they did actually like. In fact, some people want the old you back, the fun one, the easy one, the just one more drink version of you. Now remember, I talked a little bit about this last week is that when you stop drinking, it makes people hold up a mirror, and some of those people aren't going to like what they see. So now you're the one saying no, and somehow you feel like the problem. Yeah. We're talking about that today. Because honestly, in in for some of you and in some of your circles, the drinker is the problem. It's always the drinker's always the problem. The alcoholic's always the problem. But depending on your circle, when you quit drinking, somehow you feel like the problem. How bass awkwards is that? So, why people want the old you? Why the heck would they want the old you? Well, let's start with this. Most of the time, this is not about you. Mmm. Yeah. Yeah. Most of the time it's not about you, it's about comfort, habits, and sometimes their own relationship with alcohol. I told you, when you quit drinking, it makes others hold up a mirror. And some people cannot handle what they're seeing. And also the old you fit into a system. You drank together, you acted a certain way, you you didn't disrupt anything. Well, that I have a little problem with. Some of us disrupted things, but that was a pattern. So now you've gone and changed the dynamic. What the hell? And people don't always love change, even when it's good, and especially when it's good for someone else, and they're having to face their own issues. So, how it shows up, how it gets called out, this doesn't always come in obvious ways. Sometimes it's come on, just one. You know what? You you really didn't have a problem. Just just have a drink. You're fine, you're fine, you're fine. It may be a special occasion. This is your sister's wedding. She only gets married once. Probably not, but anyways, it's a special occasion. It's a birthday, it's an anniversary. It's there's and guess what? There's gonna always be a special occasion. You're different now. We see that. We see you can control it, you can go without it. You're fine, you're fine. Or there's the sneaky stuff, the teasing, eye rolls, acting like you're being dramatic. And here's the kicker. And this is so stinking true. It can make you second guess yourself. What the hell, people? You know, I know this is kind of bizarre, but I watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Yeah, and one of the housewives, Kyle Richard, quit drinking a few years ago. The women did not like it. The women did all these things to her. What the hell? Here's someone who's working out more, taking care of herself, keeping alcohol out of it. And she made it clear her best friend, her best friend of her whole life committed suicide. She was dealing with things. She wanted to be clear-headed. She didn't say she was quitting forever, but she was abstaining from alcohol. And I think now she's been four years. But but the point is, her friends didn't support her. Her friends tried to sabotage her with all of those things. What the hell is wrong with people? Well, people are people. People don't like boundaries. So let's talk about boundaries because everyone says set them, but no one talks about how uncomfortable they are. Especially if you're someone who doesn't like conflict. There's not a lot of us that do like conflict sober. Wants to be liked. Most people want to be like some people, my husband can care less whether people like him or not. I admire that about him. I'm not that way. If you're used to being the easy one, you may not like setting boundaries. So when you start saying no, I'm not indulging right now, I'm not drinking, I'm not smoking, whatever it may be, it just that doesn't work for me anymore. It can feel like you're being rude, difficult, or yeah, yeah, kind of a jerk. Okay, I'm here to tell you you're not. You're not. You are not. You are not rude. You are not difficult. You are not kind of a jerk.

SPEAKER_00 6:40

But you're not. You're not gonna stop because you're just different now.

SPEAKER_01 6:51

You don't stop because others are making you feel a certain way. Boundaries are hard, setting them are hard, standing by them are hard, but I promise you you will not regret it in this instance. So, how about if we reframe boundaries? This is key. Here's the shift I want you to hold on to. Boundaries are not about controlling other people, they're about protecting your peace. I'm gonna say that again. Boundaries are not about controlling other people, they're about protecting your peace. You're not saying you can't drink, you're just saying I don't. You're not judging them. You are choosing you. And let me think, let me tell you something. They think you're judgy McJudgerson. They think you're sitting there because people that have problems with alcohol think it's all about them. So if anybody in your circle has an issue, they're going to think you are judging them. You're not. I could care less what others do in their life according to alcohol. I'm sad when I see people misuse it. I'm sad.

SPEAKER_00 8:15

But because I don't drink, I'm not judging you. All right.

Where Else To Find Marcy

Simple Scripts For Saying No

Outgrowing People Without Guilt

SPEAKER_01 8:23

I've talked about the moment someone said something to me and pushed me. I don't have any harsh memories about the beginning, but I set my boundaries quick and hard. At the time of me getting sober, I had an on-again, off-again relationship with a very violent, volatile alcoholic. I had left and divorced my first husband. I had gotten into a relationship with a guy named Eddie, and Eddie was a hot-headed Colombian who would drink into blackouts and was violent in blackouts. One time he punched out the windows of my car to try to strangle me. Things I'm not proud of. When I got sober, I set my boundaries and I cut people out of my life. He was cut out of my life immediately. He was getting sober at the time. We got sober together and then I cut him out. I would see him at meetings, but I lived my life. And eventually, to be honest with you, he shot himself in the head playing Russian roulette and died. So grateful that I set a boundary there. So your boundaries are important. If that story doesn't make you understand how important boundaries are, I don't know what to tell you. But I cut people out of my life that were drinkers. I obviously didn't go back to my old drinking haunts. I, you know, I changed my life. AA became my life. I went to meetings all the time. Found what I needed there. I found companionship, friendship, and people going in the same direction as me. I cut all the other crap out. Okay, here's where I want to take a quick pause because I want to make sure you know where else to find me. If you're loving these conversations that we're having, I have two other podcasts you need to check out. Inside Marcy's Mind. This one is all about life hacks, perspective shifts, and the stuff that we deal with but don't always talk about. Plus, I just talk about fun crap. It's a fun one. Sometimes I'm serious on it, most of the time I'm not. Aging Aim for Sissies, if you're 40 and above, you'll like this one. It's where we keep it real, a little sassy, and we talk about what it actually looks like to age intentionally and not quietly. I talk about everything aging on that one. You could also find everything, episodes, updates, and more on my website, Marcybackismedia.com. All right, I want to get back to what we're here for is your sobriety and my sobriety. Ooh. Let's make this easy. You don't need speeches, okay? So here are some things that you can say. I'm good, I'm not drinking tonight. If you're not ready to tell people you've laid it down for good, I'm good, I'm not drinking tonight. Oh, you know what? I feel better when I don't drink. Not doing it. Got a big day tomorrow. Whatever. I've got an early morning, always a classic. Just not my thing anymore. Make it simple. And okay, there's gonna be that pushy McPusherson. If someone keeps pushing, say I'm good. Short, calm, done. I said I'm good. Let's hear that again. I said I'm good. And you can say it in all different tones. I said I'm good. I said I'm good. I said I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I said I'm good. So you choose the tone. Depending on the person, you'll know which one. And as I said earlier, you might outgrow some people. Let's say the hard part out loud. Some relationships were built on the old version of you, and they're never ever gonna accept the new version. When that version changes, the relationship doesn't always come with you. That's not you being difficult, people. That's growth. That's growth. And you know what? In my sobriety, obviously, most of my life has been sober now, 38 years. I'm 65. I've been sober more than half my life. I've let relationships go. I let male relationships go in sobriety. I've let female relationships go. So when you let those old relationships go that just don't suit you anymore, because yes, as selfish and self-centered as us alcoholics can be, sobriety is about no one but us. It's when you really get to be selfish and self-centered. The people who truly care about you, they may not get it at first, but they'll adjust. They will respect your boundaries, they will respect your choice, they will stop pushing, and they'll support you even if it looks different.

SPEAKER_00 13:23

Those are your people. All right.

Help Resources And Closing Thoughts

SPEAKER_01 13:32

So I'm gonna give you a permission slip, just like when you were a kid. You are allowed to outgrow habits. Let's say that together. You are allowed to outgrow habits. You are allowed to outgrow environments. Say it with me. I am allowed to outgrow environments. Excuse me, I'm drinking a Diet Pepper, Diet Dr. Pepper and cream soda, zero sugar, and it just gave me a burp. I'm so sorry. You are allowed to outgrow versions of yourself. Say it out loud. I am allowed to outgrow versions of myself, even if it makes other people uncomfortable. Especially then, because guess what? For once, it's not about them, it's about you, and it's okay. You're not being selfish. You're being true and good to yourself. Okay, I promise we're gonna get into AA and the steps at some point if I stop thinking about important things to talk about. The reason I'm talking about these things is because the first in the first episodes, I did talk to you about your first meeting, your first 30 days. I'm assuming at this point you are working on your sobriety. You are in a program that works for you and you are working on it. I'm trying to help you with some of the outlying stuff, some of the edge stuff, some of the stuff that nobody talks about. So if this episode hit a nerve, just know that part of it's part of the process. Sobriety isn't just about what you stop doing, it's about who you become. And not everyone will understand that, but the right people, they will. And if you're struggling or wondering if you might have a problem, just know you don't have to figure it out alone. There is support, there are people who get it, and there is always a way forward. On my website, marcybackusmedia.com. I have a link to Al Anon and I have a link to AA. If you're wondering, if you're seeking, if you are someone supporting someone, click those links, get yourself some help. I want to thank you always for being here. Thanks for listening to me because if I'm part of your sobriety, you're part of my sobriety. And I'll see you next time on Unbox.