How Relapse Really Starts Long Before The Drink

Relapse is the topic most people in recovery whisper about, even though it’s one of the most common turning points in sobriety. I’m Marcy, and I’m going to say the quiet part out loud: relapse is usually not a random moment of chaos. It often starts weeks earlier with isolation, stress, resentment, exhaustion, and the slow drift away from support. When we understand that, relapse prevention becomes less about willpower and more about spotting patterns early.

We walk through the kind of relapse thinking that sounds smart in the moment “I can handle one,” “It wasn’t that bad,” “Nobody would know” and why your brain can feel so convincing when it wants comfort. I share what has kept me grounded in long-term recovery, why connection beats secrecy, and why disappearing after a slip is the most dangerous move you can make. If you’ve relapsed recently, I want you to hear this clearly: you are not starting from scratch. You are starting from experience.

We also talk to the people who love someone in recovery. Shaming doesn’t create change, it pushes people deeper into addiction. Support can look like helping someone get to a meeting, finding therapy, and making space for honest conversation without excuses or humiliation. Recovery is complicated, human, and rarely a straight line. It’s returning, recommitting, learning, adjusting, and trying again.

If this lands close to home, listen, share it with someone who needs it, and then take one small action toward connection today. Subscribe to Unbottled, leave a review, and tell me: what’s the earliest sign you’re drifting away from your sobriety?

Transcript

Relapse Starts Before The Drink

Early Warning Signs To Notice

Dangerous Thoughts That Sound Reasonable

Don’t Disappear After A Slip

What Loved Ones Should Do

Returning And Recommitting With Courage

One Hard Moment Isn’t Your Story

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Hello. And welcome back to Unbottled, where we are living life sober, clear-headed, and just a little bit louder than we used to. I am Marcy and I am an alcoholic. And around here we talk about sobriety in a way that is real, not perfect, not preachy, and definitely not one size fits all. Because the truth is getting sober is one thing. Staying sober, well, that's where the real work and the real growth begins. So if you're new here or you've been walking this road with me for a while, this is episode 22, by the way. I'm really glad you're here. And I really mean that. I love doing this podcast. It's growing really fast. I'm thankful to all of you. And I really am glad you're here. I am, because sobriety is such a big part of my life for the last 38 years that I want to make it a part of yours. So, all right, friends, today we're going to talk about one of the hardest topics in recovery. I, you know me, I start down the path of I'm going to walk through AA, which we have started, but all of a sudden this week, this came to me and I felt compelled to talk about it. So it this is the hardest topic in recovery, and it's relapse. Not the dramatic TV version, not the shame-filled version, the real version. Because if we're going to talk honestly about sobriety, we have to honestly talk about relapse too. All right, here's something that surprises people outside recovery. A relapse usually starts long before the drink. Yep. The drink is often the last part. Relapse starts in the thinking, the isolation, the exhaustion, the I've got this. The quiet drifting away from support. And if we don't talk about that honestly, people suffer in silence. And I don't want any of you to suffer. I'm gonna be totally transparent. I am a one and done. I understand that that is not usual, to be honest. I've been in the rooms long enough to know that it can take many times before sobriety sticks. It is not lost on me that I am a one on one and done. I am grateful for that. And I also worked really hard to make sure that that's how it happened. So it also wasn't easy. But I also understand that relapsing is a part of many people's sobriety journey. And like I said, it usually starts long before the drink. And that drink is often the last part. I don't want anybody suffering in silence. So today we're not we're not doing shame. This is not a shaming episode. We are doing honesty. Because if you've been following me for 22 episodes and you had a period of sobriety and you have slipped, or whatever you want to call it, or you've relapsed, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. But we're we're gonna talk about it. Before we go anywhere else, let's let's say this clearly relapse, and I want you to listen really carefully to this. Relapse does not mean you are weak, it does not mean you are hopeless, please. And it does not erase every sober day you've had before it. Although it can feel that way. And to be honest, I don't want to go out and have a relapse after 38 years, but it doesn't, it wouldn't, if I did, it doesn't erase 38 years of soberness. That matters because people relapse and immediately think, well, I've ruined everything. I kind of I think about all the years I dieted. I don't diet anymore. I work out, I eat sensibly, and it seems to work pretty good for me. But I remember when I would be on a diet and I would have uh cheeseburger and fries, let's just say, and then I just say, fuck it, to be honest. All right, I've ruined that diet. Just keep I always lost sight that if I had been eating healthy or eating in a type of way for weeks or months, that still mattered, but I just threw the baby out with a bath water, as they say. Well, I ruined everything. Nope, you had sober time, you learned things, you proved you can do it. A relapse okay, there I want to say that again. You proved you can do it. If you had a relapse, that means you had sober time. It also means you learned some things. A relapse is serious, but it is not the end unless you decide it is. It's not the end. It's never the end. So what is a relapse? How does it happen? Well, most people don't wake up one morning and randomly decide, you know what sounds fun, destroying my peace today. Relapse is usually gradual. It looks like stopping going to meetings, isolating. Sound like you right now? Listen up. Romanticizing drinking. There's nothing romantic about a blackout. There is nothing romantic about falling down drunk. There is no nothing romantic, people, about not remembering what you did last night. What are some other things? Stress building up, not talking honestly. Hmm. Letting resentments pile up. Sound like you. And it gets worse. Although I've never had a relapse, I know from people that have that each time got worse. And I think that's something to think about. Your diseased as push-ups in the parking lot. All right. So the dangerous thoughts. What's that about? What what are what are dangerous thoughts? Let's call out some classic relapse thinking. You've been sober for a little while. You might think I can probably handle just one now. You can't. It wasn't really that bad. Oh, yes, it was. I've been good long enough. Good? What does good have to do with it? We're all good people. I've been good long enough. No, you haven't. Nobody would know. No, you would. And I'll tell you this: you want to know something really interesting? One of the things that kept me sober is the fact that getting sober and being in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous ruined drinking forever. I knew there was no way I could go sit at the bars I used to sit at, do the things I used to do, and try to enjoy it in any way, shape, or form. I knew who I was, I knew what I was, and I knew what was going to happen. And for me, that was enough. So some of those thoughts that I just read out loud sound very reasonable in the moment. That's why support matters so much, because your brain can sound extremely convincing when it wants to. And it wants to. In the beginning of sobriety, your brain wants what's comfortable. Your brain does not want to be uncomfortable. And guess what? When people struggle, they hide. And it's typical. A lot of people relapse emotionally before they relapse physically. And instead of reaching out, they disappear. They become smaller, they hide. Because shame says you should know better. People will judge you. You failed. So people isolate right away when they need connection the most. So if you've had a slip, if you've had a relapse, reach out immediately, tell someone. And isolation, isolation, I'm going to tell you right now, in any way, shape, or form during a sober journey, is dangerous territory. Whatever program you're using to get yourself sober, if you're using TikTok, if you're using a different group, please reach out to that group. If you're in AA, get your ass to a meeting. I don't care if it's online. There's 24-hour meetings, 24 hours a day online. Get online. If you need a link to a meeting, go to my website, Marcy. Oh my gosh. Marcy Back is Media. I almost forgot my website.com. There's a link there to AA. Click it. Get a meeting. Get to a meeting. Isolation is dairy dangerous territory. Oh my gosh. You know, when I first got sober, I so badly didn't want to be an alcoholic. I knew what I was for a very long time before I got sober. I was 27 years old. I was living a very wild life. I was a functioning alcoholic, though. Not only did I change careers, I changed to a career that was stupid. I went from being a hair colorist and a really damn good one to selling insurance. I don't know whatever made me possess me to do that. I left that and left my husband all at the same time. Got wrangled into living in Malibu with a bunch of alcoholics, because we do tend to cluster. I knew I was an alcoholic a long time before I got sober. And like I said to you, my sobriety, what helped me? I immersed myself in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Hook, line, and sinker. 90 meetings in 90 days. I've got an episode about that. I got a sponsor. I got an episode about that. Go back and listen to some of my episodes. I immerse myself in the program. I surrounded by myself by sober people. I did. And I found a second career in sales of hair color, did a great job at that. I was doing that when I met my husband, who I never would have met. He would have never wanted the alcoholic, Marcy. God know. No, no, no, no, no. So knowing what was out there was enough to keep me in the rooms. And like I told you, once I got sober, the thought of starting all over again freaked me out. You know, you get through those first 90 days, people. I didn't want to do that again. I also didn't want to start over. I really didn't. That's what kept me here. But all the things, I stayed connected, I kept myself busy, I had commitments at meetings, I did the steps, I worked with a sponsor, I had friends in the program. I did all those things. And you know what? Sometimes that's not enough for somebody. Sometimes you do need to go out and hit your head on the wall a few more times, and that's okay. Please come back because we're here and we're not judging you. We really do not judge you. We really do not. So if you got to hit your head on that wall a few more times, you go right ahead. But let me tell you something. We're here for you, and I'll always be here. This podcast will always be here. You can always email me at Marcybackismedia at gmail.com. You can go to my website like we talked about earlier, marcybackismedia.com, and you can send me an email from there. Please reach out if you're struggling. I will do my best to help you. All right, I want to take a quick pause like I always do because I want to make sure you know where else to find me. If I don't advertise my podcast, no one else is going to. So if you're loving these conversations, I have two other podcasts, Inside Marcy's Mind, which this week is going to be about AI. I love AI. So if you hate AI, don't listen. But if you want to know how you can use AI in your life, in your daily life to help you out, check out Inside Marcy's Mind, Aging Ape for Sissies. We're going to talk about old faces and makeup, honestly. So I have Inside Marcy's Mind, Aging Ape for Sissies, and you're listening to Unbottled. You can find those podcasts wherever you found Unbottled. You can find all my podcasts on my website. You can find them anywhere you get podcasts. And I'd love for you to listen. All right. So that's enough about me and my commercial. Let's get back to what to do if you relapse. What do you do? Whatever happened, you stepped away, you stepped out, you thought you could handle it. And guess what? You can't. If someone listening relapsed recently, here's what I want you to hear. Do not disappear. Please. Don't walk away from this podcast. If you're an AA or whatever group you were at, doing whatever it was, TikTok, Instagram, however you were getting sober, don't hide. Please, don't let one bad decision become a six months more decision or six more years because of shame. Please talk to someone. Go back to a meeting. Tell the truth. Start again. You are not starting from scratch. You are starting from experience. I really love that. You are not starting from scratch. You're starting from experience. What friends and family should know. And if you love someone in recovery, please understand this. Shaming people deeper into addiction does not help. I watched this. I will now out myself as a housewife, reality housewife lover. The funny thing is, I lived in Koto de Casa for 23 years, and that's where they started was in Koto de Casa, Orange County. But there was a season, one of the housewives in Orange County had an accident, drunk accident, running into a side of a house down in Newport. And another housewife for that entire season, when she came back after that, shamed her. And I wanted to jump through my screen and strangle her, honestly. Shaming people deeper into addiction does not help. When you're trying to potty train a child, does shaming them help? No. Shaming never helps anyone. Support helps, honesty helps, connection helps. And that doesn't mean enabling. It means recognizing that recovery is complicated and human for God's sakes. If you are a wife and a husband relapses, or if you're a husband and a wife relapses, or if you're a husband and a husband and a wife and a wife, whatever combination thereof you are, do not shame them. Give them support. Drive them to a meeting. Help them find the support that they need. And relapsing can teach you something. This may sound really strange, but sometimes relapse reveals weak spots in your recovery, the support that you may be missing, some unresolved pain. Therapist might be a good idea at this point, overconfidence, hmm, and burnout. Sometimes it shows people what they still need to work on. Not because relapse is good, but because honesty can become a turning point. We know that in the rooms of AA. The minute you get down and dirty and honest, there's a turning point. I went a long time as a dry drunk without meetings. A long time. Don't recommend it. I was just freewheeling it. And I don't recommend that at all. My life is more centered, more grounded as long as I have meetings in my life. It's not a straight line. It's not. Recovery is often about returning, recommitting, learning, adjusting, and trying again. Let me read that again. Returning, recommitting, learning, adjusting, and trying again. And honestly, that takes courage. You know, I want to go back to the kind of comparing it to dieting. People are so hard on fat people. Do you know how many times fat people have lost the weight? Over and over and over again. Until they finally get it. It's not really any different. So if you're listening to this because maybe eating is your problem, you can apply everything I said. Courage. You are also courageous. If you're listening to this and you haven't gotten sober yet, you're courageous. You're listening, you're hearing what you need to hear. Get yourself to a meeting. That's all I can say. All right, my friends, if this episode hit close to home, I just want you to know this. One hard moment does not define your entire story. You are not beyond help. You are not too far gone, and you are not alone. If you're struggling or wondering if you might have a problem, just know you don't have to figure it out alone. There is support. There are people who get it, and there is a way forward. Thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. And I'll see you next time on Unbottled.