Step One — The Step Nobody Wants But Everybody Needs

We kick off our summer 12-step series with Step One and tell the truth about why “powerless” feels so offensive. We reframe it as relief and strategy, name what unmanageability can look like in real life, and offer questions to help you decide what you already know. 
• why the word powerless triggers our need for control 
• powerlessness as “once I start, something changes” 
• the rule-making phase and the myth of controlled drinking 
• mental gymnastics as a full-time job with no benefits 
• unmanageability that looks quiet: shame, anxiety, secrecy, irritability 
• surrender as wisdom, not humiliation or weakness 
• grief for alcohol and grief for the fantasy of drinking normally 
• what Step One looks like day to day: meetings, texting someone, pouring it out, not buying it 
• questions to reflect on: trust, relationships, sleep, health, mood, money, self-respect 
• reminders about support: AA meetings, counselors, recovery groups, doctors, therapists, medical caution with withdrawal 

If you like this kind of real talk, but want it with a little more life, laughter, and what are we even doing here? Energy, come listen to Inside Marcy's Mind. Check in aging aphysics. Hugs and kisses go out and do something positive. 

Transcript

Welcome And Summer Steps Kickoff

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello and welcome back to Unbottled. Sobriety uncorked, unfiltered, and unapologetically real. I am Marcy and I am an alcoholic. I am also your host. And this week we are kicking off our summer series on the 12 steps. I figure summer's about 12 weeks long. We got 12 steps to get through. So this would be the perfect time to start our one step a week series. One honest conversation at a time. I try not to be churchy, preachy, or perfect, just real. And I have been sober for 38 years. So take with that what you will, but it gives me some street cred, I guess, anyway. We are starting where everyone has to start, whether we like it or not. And to be honest in years of sobriety, sometimes we all have to go back to step one. But we are starting right at step one, we where we admit we are powerless over alcohol, that

Step One Sounds Like Defeat

SPEAKER_00 1:10

our lives had become unmanageable. There's a lot to unpack there. One small statement that covers a lot of ground. And right away, can we just say it? Nobody likes the word powerless. It's a horrible word. Nobody likes to be powerless over anything. Let alone your own life, right? Nobody wakes up and says, you know what sounds fun today? Admitting defeat. No, thank you. As a human race, some more than others, we like control. We like options, and we like saying things like, I've got this, while everything around us is quietly on fire. We could be sitting in a dumpster on fire and still saying, I got this. So step one is not glamorous. It does not come with a cute outfit. It does not come with a motivational quote mug. Step one is that moment where you finally exhale, you finally stop negotiating with yourself and others. You stop negotiating with something that has been beating the hell out of you. And that's your drinking. And guess what, people? That's where we begin.

What Powerless Actually Means

SPEAKER_00 2:47

Step one. Why do you think step one feels so offensive? Well, let's talk about that word powerless. Because when I first heard it, I thought, absolutely not. I am not powerless over anything. Powerless sounded weak. It sounded extremely dramatic to me. Powerless sounded like I had to hand over my personality, my independence, and possibly my good jewelry. But that's not what it means, everyone. Powerless does not mean you are weak. I will say this over and over again in this podcast. You are not weak. In this instance, what powerless means is alcohol has become stronger than your ability to manage it once it enters the room. I want you to think about that. I want to say it again slower. Powerless does not mean you are weak. It means alcohol has become stronger than your ability to manage it once it enters the room. That's it. Cut and dry. It means that once you start, something changes. Now tell me that's not true. It means once you start drinking, something changes. The plan goes out the window. Oh, I'm just going to stop by the bar and have a drink on the way home. One turns to two, turns to three. You know the drill. I'm going to go out with friends tonight, but I'm just going to only have one. I'm going to only drink on the weekends. I'm only going to drink beer and wine. The uh whatever it is, the rules you made for yourself suddenly became suggestions. You said one glass, then it became two. Then it became, well, the bottle's already open. Then it became, why did I say that? I don't have a problem. Then it became, what did I just text? Then it became, I'm never doing this again. You know the drill. If you didn't know the drill, you wouldn't be listening to my podcast. Let that sink in for a minute. So that is powerlessness. Not because you're stupid, not because you're broken, and not because you lack character. Because you are an addict. Addiction is sneaky. It does not walk into your life wearing a villain cape. It actually comes in pretty darn cute. It comes in socially acceptable. It comes in a beautiful wine glass, a beautiful cocktail, a beer after work. You're witty, you're funny. Mommy needs a drink joke just to take the edge off moment. And then one day you realize the edge never actually left. You just kept drinking around it. Sound like anything familiar to you? If it sounds familiar, keep listening. Buckle

The Myth Of I Can Control

SPEAKER_00 6:09

up. Segment two here: the myth of I Can Control It. Before most of us get to step one, we spend a lot of time trying to prove we are not alcoholic. We make up rules, like I talked about earlier. Here's some of the rules. Only on weekends, only wine, only beer, only when I'm out with friends, or only at home, only after five, only after four, because time is a social construct, and apparently so are boundaries. We switch brands, we take breaks, we count drinks, we don't count drinks. We compare ourselves to people who drink worse than we do. That was my favorite. I would ask somebody who drank worse than me, do you think I'm an alcoholic? And every time, nope. Okay, I moved on. What an idiot I am. Not really an idiot. We're not idiots. But when you look back, sometimes you think, gee whiz, Marcy. Comparing ourselves to people who drink worse than we do, that is the favorite. Well, I'm not as bad as so-and-so. So-and-so is still drinking. Honey, so-and-so is not the standard. So-and-so may be a five-alarm fire. You cannot use another burning building to prove your kitchen isn't smoking. Huh. Step one asks us to stop comparing and start telling our truth. Not, I am worse than someone else, but what happens when I drink? Can I reliably stop once I start? Do I keep making promises to myself and breaking them? Is alcohol costing me peace? Is alcohol taking up more mental space than it deserves? And I'm telling you, people, that mental space are the gymnastics that you do to get through your day, your week, your month, your year. Because sometimes the drinking itself is only part of the problem. The mental gymnastics are exhausting. Thinking about drinking, thinking about not drinking, thinking about when you can drink, thinking about how much is left, thinking about whether anyone noticed, thinking about whether you said something weird, thinking about how to act normal the next morning. You think it's normal to go out and check your car and see if it has any dents in it? Not normal people. This is a full-time job with no benefits. And step one is where we resign from that horrible, horrible, horrible job.

Unmanageable Can Look Quiet

SPEAKER_00 8:49

Our lives had become unmanageable. I want to talk about the second half of the step, that our lives had become unmanageable. This is where people get confused because unmanageable does not always look like losing everything. I didn't. I lost a lot, but I didn't lose everything. Sometimes it does mean that. Sometimes there are legal problems, job problems, health scares, broken relationships, chaos, crisis, wreckage. But sometimes unmanageable can mean much quieter. Sometimes unmanageable looks like this: waking up at 3 a.m. with shame sitting on your chest, having anxiety you can't explain. Being exhausted from pretending you're fine, feeling irritated when anything erupts your drinking plans interrupts your drinking's plans. I can remember that. I can remember having my drinking planned after work and then something coming up and being irritated. That's funny. Hadn't thought about that for a while. Snapping at people you love, losing trust in yourself, living with a secret, avoiding your own reflection. Guess what? That's unmanageability too. You can have a clean house, a job, a family, matching throw pillows, and still be emotionally falling apart. Don't kid yourself. Perfection is a sign of alcoholism, also. I hate to tell you that. Let us please stop acting like you have to be in a ditch before you're allowed to get help. You do not have to lose everything to admit something is taking too much. Sometimes the gift of realizing it before the whole house comes down is amazing. My house had come down, but not all of it. And I am grateful that I got it when I did. All right.

Relief Hidden Inside Surrender

SPEAKER_00 10:51

Step one is not humiliation. I don't want you to ever think that. It should feel as a relief. The twist is step one sounds like defeat, but it's actually relief. Because when you finally admit I cannot keep doing this, you no longer have to keep pretending. You no longer have to keep running the experiment. You already have the data. And let me tell you, some of us collected data for years, decades even. We had spreadsheets in our souls. Did drinking help? Nope. Did I control it? No. Did I feel better long term? No. Did I become the calm, elegant drinker I imagined? Also, no. At some point, you get to stop retaking the same test. Step one is saying, I now, I know enough now. That's not a failure. That's wisdom. Okay? Wisdom. There's a strange piece that comes with surrender. Not the dramatic movie kind where you fall to your knees in the rain. Though honestly, if that's your vibe, go with it. But the real life kind of surrender sounds more like I'm done fighting this. I'm done lying to myself and everyone else. I'm done trying to drink like other people because I can't. I'm done proving I don't have a problem while actively having a problem. That is powerful, people. Isn't that funny? We admit powerlessness. And that is the first powerful thing we do. Think about that. Chew on it for a minute.

Quick Plug For Other Podcasts

SPEAKER_00 12:41

While you're thinking about it, I'm going to give you a quick break here and I'm going to do a commercial for my other podcast because why not? Before we keep going, let me just take a little pause to invite you into my other corners of the world. If you like this kind of real talk, but want it with a little more life, laughter, and what are we even doing here? Energy, come listen to Inside Marcy's Mind, where we talk about life, aging, relationships, habits, health, and all the things nobody handed us a manual for. And if you are in the glorious, ridiculous, sometimes exhausting business of getting older, check in aging aphysics. Because aging quietly is not really my brand. We are aging intentionally with humor, SAS, and maybe a little advil, Tylenol. Arthritis strength is my jam. You can find whatever wherever you listen to your podcasts. All right, now we need to get back to step one because apparently we are telling the truth today, rude but necessary.

Grief And The Normal Drinking Fantasy

SPEAKER_00 13:49

There's going to be some things that we grieve when we admit step one. And this is things that people don't always talk about. And that's what I try to do on this podcast is kind of fill in the blanks. Step one can come with grief because even if alcohol has been hurting you, there may be, there may still be parts of you that will miss it. There's a ritual, the escape, the identity, the social ease, the reward at the end of the day. That was a hard one for me. The fantasy that someday you'll be able to drink normally. Not happening. That last one is big, though. You may grieve that because it's not going to happen. I'm going to tell you something. If you've gone to one AA meeting, you've ruined your drinking forever. That's scary, isn't it? But it's true. If you've gone to one AA meeting and listened at all, you're never going to be able to go out and drink again the way you used to. Test me on that one. All right. A lot of us just don't grieve alcohol. We grieve the version of ourselves we wanted to be with alcohol. The person who could have one drink and leave half of it sitting there. First of all, who are these people? Are they okay? Do they know the glass still has wine in it? I think about that. Sometimes, even till this day, 38 years in, I'll watch uh two people sitting chatting and having a glass of wine, and that wine lasts through their whole chat. It amazes me still till this day, people. But seriously, we grieve the idea that we could somehow become that person. Step one, gently but firmly says, that may not be your story. And yes, that can hurt, but it can also set you free. Because once you stop trying to become someone who can safely manage alcohol, you can start becoming a person who doesn't need it. And that person, that person is worth meeting.

Powerless Is Specific Not Total

SPEAKER_00 16:06

I want to clear up a few things before we're done today. Powerlessness does not mean you are powerless over your whole life. You are not powerless over whether you go to a meeting. You are not powerless over whether you ask for help. You are not powerless over whether you tell the truth. You are not powerless over whether you pick up that first drink. Step one is very specific. It says we're powerless over alcohol. So don't use it as a crutch. It does not say you are powerless over all the things I just said. It says you are powerless over alcohol. For many of us, once alcohol enters our system, the outcome becomes unpredictable. The safest move is not to start the chain reaction. That's not weakness, that's strategy. If every time you touched a hot stove, it burned you, eventually you would stop saying, maybe this time the stove and I can have a healthy relationship. No, the stove is hot. Move along. Alcohol may be your hot stove. And step one is where we stop touching it to see if it burns. Because guess what? Spoiler alert, it does.

Step One Questions To Sit With

SPEAKER_00 17:23

Now I want to give you a little step one reflection. Not homework in the scary way. Nobody is grading you. There will be no pop quiz. We are grown and tired. But here are some questions to sit with. When I drink, do I become someone I don't fully trust? Have I tried to control my drinking and failed more than once? Do I drink to change how I feel? Do I feel anxious, ashamed, defensive, or secretive in any way, shape, or form about my drinking? Has alcohol affected any of my relationships? Has alcohol affected my sleep, health, mood, money, work, or self-respect? Do I keep telling myself it's not that bad? And maybe the biggest one of all. What would my life look like if I stopped fighting this truth? That question can crack something open. Because step one is not asking you to solve your whole life today, it's just asking you to stop lying about the problem. And that's enough for week one.

Scared Of Change Tiny Willingness

SPEAKER_00 18:34

For the person who is scared, I want to talk to you right now. I want to talk to the person who's listening and thinking, okay, but what if I admit this and then everything changes? Yes, it might. Is everything working now? Because we often fear change even when the current situation is making us miserable. We cling to familiar pain because we know what the future is of that. Step one is scary because it tells the truth. Because it is also I'm sorry, but it is also kind because it does not ask you to do steps two through 12 today. It does not ask you to become a brand new person by Friday. It does not ask you to understand God, fix your family, make amends, meditate perfectly, or become one of those people who says, crateful before 7 a.m. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not asking you to do that. Step one simply says, can we be honest about alcohol? That's all. One honest sentence can begin, be the beginning of an entirely different life. It was for me. So what does step one look like in real life? It might look like saying out loud, I think I have a problem. It might look like walking into an AA meeting, even though you're terrified. It might look like listening quietly and realizing, oh my God, these people are telling my story. It might look like texting someone and saying, I don't want to drink today. It might look like pouring it out. It might look like not buying it. It might look like crying in a car. It might look like being angry, being embarrassed, being relieved, being skeptical, being hopeful and annoyed all at the same time. All of that counts. Sobriety does not begin with confidence, people. It often begins with a tiny shaking willingness. And that's enough. I want to reiterate that. Sobriety does not begin with confidence. Dear God, that comes with time. Give yourself a break.

Freedom From The Drinking Debate

SPEAKER_00 21:00

There's also some freedom hidden inside step one. Here is what I love about step one: it removes the debate. Once I accept that alcohol does not work for me, I do not have to keep asking. Can I drink at weddings? Can I drink on a vacation? Can I drink? Can I drink for any reason? Can I drink if it's Tuesday and I'm wearing linen? No, the answer is no. And weirdly, that can become peaceful because you stop asking the questions after a while. Because decision, fatigue is real. When the answer is always not today, you get your brain back. You get your mornings back, your integrity, your ability to trust yourself, and your life gets back. Not all at once, but piece by piece. Step one is the doorway. It's open for you. I want you to know not that. Not the whole house, just the doorway. But you can get inside recovery without walking through it. I'm sorry. I said that completely wrong. You cannot get inside recovery without walking through it. You got excited there for a minute, didn't you? No, you can't.

Help Options And Step Two Preview

SPEAKER_00 22:14

So this week, as we begin the summer series, I want you to remember step one is not about shame. It is about truth. It is not saying you are bad. It is not saying alcohol has become bad for you. That's what it's saying. Good Lord, Marcy, you're backwards today. Oi, it is saying alcohol has become bad for you. It is not saying you are hopeless. It is saying the old way is hopeless. And thank God there is another way. If you are new, curious, scared, angry, or just tired, welcome. You don't have to figure this whole thing out all at once. You don't have to know what you believe. You do not have to be excited. You just have to be honest enough to say this isn't working anymore. And that sentence alone can save your life. And as always, if you think you may have a problem with alcohol, please know this. You are not alone. You are not broken. You do not have to figure it all out by yourself. There are 24-hour AA meetings available. They're available in person, online. There are also counselors, recovery groups, sober communities, doctors, therapists, and people who understand exactly what this feels like. Do not be afraid to reach out. If alcohol has become dangerous for you physically, please talk to a medical professional before stopping suddenly, because withdrawal can be serious. There is help, there is support, and there is a way forward. And you are allowed to begin before you feel ready. All right, everyone. Next week we'll move into step two, which is where things get interesting. I came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. And don't panic. We are going to talk about the God thing without making anybody run screaming from the room. I promise. Thank you for being here with me for the first episode of this summer step series. I am Marcy Backis. This is Unbottled, sobriety uncorked, unfiltered, and unapologetically real. Take what helps, leave what doesn't. And for today, maybe just tell yourself the truth. Hugs and kisses go out and do something positive.