Step Four Without The Shame

We break down AA Step Four and replace the dread with a simple truth: an inventory is information, not condemnation. We walk through resentments, fears, and patterns so we can stop chasing relief and start building real freedom in sobriety. 
• step four as a practical inventory rather than a report card 
• why alcohol often functions as a solution to buried pain 
• resentments as the “number one offender” and how they keep old wounds alive 
• separating trauma from blame while asking how it affects us today 
• fear as a hidden driver behind anger, perfectionism, people pleasing, and control 
• our part as pattern-spotting for freedom, not self-hate 
• “done is better than perfect” and why we work with a sponsor 
• a weekly awareness practice to start before writing anything 
If this episode helped you, please share it with someone who might need a little encouragement today. 
If you're enjoying my summer series, be sure to subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode, Step Five, where we talk about one of the most powerful and surprisingly freeing conversations you'll ever have. 

Transcript

Welcome And The Summer Steps

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello and welcome to Unbottled. My name is Marcy Backis and I am your host. Well, I hope things are going well for you if you're listening today. I hope that you're finding your sobriety path and working it the best you can. My name is Marcy Backis, and I am an alcoholic. Whether this is your first day sober or you've been walking this road for decades, I am so glad that you are here. This summer we're slowly walking through the 12 steps, not just reading them, but understanding why millions of people have used them to change their lives. 38 years ago, I used them to save my life. I continue to use them until this day to probably save other people's lives as well as my own. But I am glad you're here. If you've missed any episodes, just go back and listen. This is my episode 28. I've talked about all kinds of things on this podcast. This is our summer series, The 12 Steps of AA. Again, we are on step four today. Oh. We started with admitting we were powerless. We've talked about hope in step two. Last week we talked about making the decision in step three to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. If the word God freaks you out, go back and listen to that episode. I explained that. Trying to give you guys ways to get around that part. I don't ever want that part of AA to stop you from being sober. Today

Why Step Four Feels Scary

SPEAKER_00 1:47

we're arriving at what many people call the scary step. Step four. So I'm going to say this. Step four, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Now, if you listened to last week's episode, if you have not really worked on step one, two, three, and four. I mean, sorry, one, two, and three, there is no rush to get to four. Now, I'm going to tell you this again. There is no rush to get through these steps. Good God, I've been sober 38 years. You have plenty of time to work the steps. What I do want you to do is understand each one of them and work them well. So if you have worked one, two, and three and you feel you are ready, then here you go. Step four, make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. You can almost hear people groan when they hear step four. I've heard people say, I'll never do step four. I got sober, but I'm stopping there. I don't want to relive everything. I've already spent enough time hating myself. Well, I understand. I don't know why I made that voice when I read all those. That's weird. I do understand that because when I first heard fearless moral inventory, I pictured standing in front of God with a report card. Every mistake, every failure, every regret, every embarrassing thing I'd ever done. That's what I was thinking. But you know what? That isn't step four. Not even close. Today we're going to talk about what it really is, why it matters, and why you can't say I'm stopping here, and how it can actually become one of the most freeing experiences in sobriety. And I truly believe that. I truly believe that. I

Quick Note On Other Podcasts

SPEAKER_00 4:01

want to make a quick little commercial here, like I always do for my other two podcasts. Inside Marcy's Mind is where we explore everyday life from travel, technology, relationships, AI, anything I can think of. That's why it's called Inside Marcy's Mind, because it's stuff that's in my mind. This week's episode is going to be about what it's like to live in a big city. Because I moved from a suburb of Southern California to downtown Chicago, and I have thoughts and I'm sharing that with you. And if you're navigating life after 60 or planning for someday, join me in Aging A for Sissies, where we laugh our way through retirement, health, friendship, family, and everything that comes with getting older. You don't need to be 60, 40 and above is probably great for that podcast. Now let's get uncomfortable in the best way possible.

Inventory Means Facts Not Punishment

SPEAKER_00 4:52

Okay, the first thing I want to address is what is an inventory? What does inventory mean? If you've ever owned a business, you know inventory isn't personal. A store counts everything. Or if you worked for, I worked for clothing stores when I was young, we'd do an inventory. So a store counts everything. What's in stock, what's broken, what's missing, what's expired, what's valuable, what's worth keeping. No one cries while counting cans on grocery store shelves. They're simply gathering information. And you know what? That's what step four is. It's an inventory. Step four is it's information, not condemnation. You're taking inventory, not sentencing yourself. Okay, so take a deep breath here. Breathe in, breathe out. Let your shoulders relax a little. Here's something that many newcomers don't realize. Alcohol

Alcohol As A Temporary Solution

SPEAKER_00 6:02

was never really the problem. Alcohol was the solution. It covered up fear, shame, resentment, anger, loneliness, trauma, insecurity, jealousy, control. Once we removed alcohol, guess what? All those emotions are still sitting there. Step four finally says, let's figure out what's really going on. Because if we don't, guess what? Eventually you're gonna want relief again. I want you to think about that. Let's figure out what's really going on. Because if we don't, you're gonna want relief again.

Resentments As The Real Offender

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The big book explains it perfectly. The big book starts with resentments, not drinking, not alcohol, resentments. Why? Why does it start with resentments? Because resentment is often called the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than almost anything else. Think about that. Not whiskey, not beer, not vodka, resentments. Resentments. A resentment is an old emotional wound that still has power over you. Some can be huge, some are little, then become huge. But they all take up space in your heart. Not just your brain. Did you hear me? Your heart. Maybe it's my father never loved me. Maybe my spouse betrayed me. My boss embarrassed me. My child won't talk to me. My friend abandoned me. They got promoted instead of me. I deserve better. Why didn't they ask me to speak? How come I'm not? All those things. Every time we replay those stories, our body experiences them all over again. That's serious, you guys.

Trauma Is Real But Look Today

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Here's where people get confused. Step four is not saying everything was your fault. Some terrible things happened to many of us. We've got some real trauma, real abuse, real betrayal. Most people walking around the planet do. Step four never excuses what happened. Instead, it's asking you, how has this affected my life today? Where am I still carrying it? How has it shaped my thinking? Where am I stuck? That's a completely different question. The

How Fear Hides In Plain Sight

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other half of inventory, inventory isn't only about resentments, it's also about fears. Most of us never realized how much fear runs our lives. Oh my god, you guys, when I was drinking, I don't know if resentments were my my driver. Fear was fear was my number one. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of success, fear of money, having money, not having money, fear of aging. There's the fear of illness, fear of what people think. Fear wears a thousand disguises. Sometimes it looks like anger. Sometimes it looks like perfectionism. Oh, did I fall in that category? Sometimes it looks like people pleasing. Again, another category, raising my hand. I know this category well. Sometimes it looks like controlling everybody around us because if you can control everything, just maybe, just maybe, it may be okay. Fear often sits behind behaviors we don't even recognize. And then

Finding Our Patterns For Freedom

SPEAKER_00 10:05

there's our part. Now comes the part nobody loves. Looking at our own patterns. And it's not because we're bad people. We because we want freedom. Questions like, where have I been selfish? Where have I been dishonest? Where have I manipulated a situation or a person? Where have I avoided my responsibility? Where do I always need to be right? Where do I hold grudges? Where do I expect others to make me happy? Those aren't easy questions, but they're all honest ones. You know what surprised me when I finally did step four? I expected to discover I was a horrible person. Instead, I discovered I was a hurting person. I was very wounded by a lot of things. There's a difference. Most alcoholics aren't evil. We're wounded, we're scared, and we're trying to survive. Understanding that changes everything. And you know, it's an interesting thing that I think about a lot. All these things I'm telling you happen to people that don't drink. Okay. We also know that we're prone to drinking. There's people walking around out there that have all these things, but you know what? By getting sober, we get to work through this and address it. They don't. Normies don't have this program. Some reason to be grateful for AA, right? I'm an alcoholic, but at least I get to work through these problems. I've

Done Beats Perfect Work With Sponsor

SPEAKER_00 12:03

watched people spend years trying to write the perfect four step. Hundreds of pages, rewriting it, starting over, adding more, remembering this. Let me tell you something. Done is better than perfect. You're not writing a novel, you're preparing for healing. And I'm going to tell you, you're going to do a step four over and over again. Because things are going to creep up. You're going to remember things, or you're actually going to add to that list in sobriety. It happens. But the beauty is you can do it again with your sponsor. So if you're getting ready for step four, work with a sponsor. Work with a sponsor. Work with a sponsor. Do not rush this, but also don't overthink it. Always pray before you begin. And just write honestly. Remember, nobody gets a gold medal for the longest inventory. The goal isn't perfection, just like anything else in this program. The goal is honesty. Not perfection, honesty. It's an inventory, people. Think about counting cans on a grocery shelf.

Step Five Teaser And Weekly Practice

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So guess what? Here's something really exciting about step four. Step four doesn't end with all this writing. Next week, we're going to talk about step five. And that's where something incredible happens. You finally stop carrying everything alone. For many people, that's where the freedom begins. I'm going to give you a challenge this week. Even if you're not ready to write a complete fourth step, start paying attention this week. When you get angry, ask what was I really afraid of? When you're hurt, ask, why did this affect me so deeply? When you're resentful, ask, what story am I telling myself? Awareness is where healing begins. So if today's episode made you uncomfortable, good. Growth usually does. We've talked about that numerous times on this podcast. Growing comes with a lot, a lot of uncomfortable pain. But I want you to remember something. God already knows your story. Your sponsor isn't there to judge it. And step four isn't about proving you're broken. It's about discovering you don't have to keep caring what has been breaking you. Are you starting to see it? Are you starting to see why the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has been so successful for so long for so many people? Are you starting to feel it? If you can write down your fourth step, and next week we'll talk about sharing it, what a weight is lifted off of you. What a gift. This program is a gift and it continues to give. It gives to me today. 38 years later. I probably did my fourth step somewhere around the summer of that year. So 38 years later, the gift of doing my fourth step is still with me.

Share Subscribe And Keep Coming Back

SPEAKER_00 15:50

I want to thank you as always for spending part of your recovery journey with me. If this episode helped you, please share it with someone who might need a little encouragement today. Every share helps another person discover that recovery is possible. If you're enjoying my summer series, be sure to subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode, Step Five, where we talk about one of the most powerful and surprisingly freeing conversations you'll ever have. Until next time, I want you to keep coming back. Keep doing the next right thing. I want you to remember that it works if you work it. And you never have to do this alone. I am Morsi, and this has been Unbottled. Sobriety uncorked, unfiltered, and unapologetically real.